A Knight's Adventure [Awaiting Grading]

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  1. #1
    Veteran Roleplayer Knight of Day's Avatar
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    Default A Knight's Adventure [Awaiting Grading]

    Name: Knight of Day (KOD)
    Target: Elekid (Simple)
    Length: 5241 Characters


    As the grey clouds in the sky raced to claim their cities, I sat on a chair on my front porch, gazing out into the forest. The forest was large, and tall. It stretched out to most of my city’s surroundings. My friends would dare each other (and myself) to walk through it; none of us would. There were rumors of a large, terrifying Pokémon that lived in cave. It would attack travelers and hikers that passed by. “But how could that be possible?” asked one of my friends, Alvin, who was not the brightest of the group in any way. “All Pokémon are sweet and kind!”

    My father had gone into the forest once: to look for my Gastly whom I had lost in the night during a Lightening Storm. I thought I had lost him forever. My only Pokémon that I had ever had… lost. I blamed myself, and ran out into the forest carrying my backpack and Pokéballs.

    As I walked through the forest, I glanced at all of the trees, wondering if my Gastly, Knight, had slept here during the weeks he had been missing. In the late evening I was still walking along the same path; my feet were blistering, and I was almost out of water. I stopped on a large, fallen tree to have my dinner. The Horizon flourished with the colors of fire and wind. After I had eaten, the sun's light was almost completely gone. It was getting dark, and late. I quickly ate the rest of my sandwich in two more bites, and refilled my water bottle in a nearby stream. Now the sky was completely dark, and I was feeling cold. I had packed another sweatshirt in my bag too, predicting that this would happen. I had also packed a sleeping bag and a lantern; I knew that I would have to sleep here for the night.

    I slept on a rock that night…the wind flipped through my hair like pages of a book. The forest’s Pokémon were all chanting, but why in the night, though? I got up, and looked around. All of the tree Pokémon were sitting on their perches. All of them were looking down at the cave. There were two surprisingly bright lights at the front of the cave. I could recognize one as an Elekid, but the other was too large, and the light around it was too strong, making almost impossible to identify. The Elekid was knocked to the ground. It had several dark bruises on its head. The Elekid was picked up and thrown at the rocky side of the cave repeatedly. A cloud of gas was floating around the larger of the battle, using Confuse Ray on it, trying to keep it away from the defenseless Elekid. The larger Pokémon attacking the Elekid knocked the shadow aside with a bash. I couldn’t watch any longer; I had realized that the shadow was indeed Knight. I ran over to him.

    Knight cried out in pain, hugging me. I returned him, hoping he would heal fast enough to battle the larger Pokémon. After I ran over to the Elekid, treating his wounds, the larger Pokémon’s body stopped glowing, but its arm stayed bright. It’s outline showed in the moonlight. With two, twin, black tails, yellow fur, and two, yellow antenna on its head, I knew what at was…at least, I thought so: an Electrivire. I quickly picked up the Elekid and dodged the Electrivire’s Thunder Punch. It yowled in pain, holding its badly bruised arm. The Elekid jumped out of my arms, suddenly. It jumped up, and used Focus Punch on the Electrivire. The Electrivire cried out in pain. It wheeled around, still holding its arm tightly, fighting its pain. The Elekid used Quick Attack to hit it from behind. The Electrivire swung its left arm around in an attempt to hit the Elekid away.

    Finally, the Electrivire fell to the ground, unconscious. Elekid fainted a few feet away from exhaustion. I picked him up, and rushed him to a Pokémon Center…



    I sat in the waiting room of the Pokémon Center; I had been there for almost two days. I met the Elekid’s trainer, but…he wasn’t that friendly.

    “Oh, that wimp of a Pokémon? I threw him into the cave in the forest. Good riddance…” he said. I felt so bad for the poor Pokémon…and I wondered…how I many times had he battled? How bad were his injuries? And most important of all…had his trainer always been mistreating his Pokémon (or this Elekid especially)? All of these questions kept my mind busy during my long waiting…

    The Elekid was wheeled out on a stretcher with his right arm and his left leg bandaged heavily. I asked the Nurse how he was doing, and she replied, “We’re not sure yet, but…he’ll be walking in maybe a…week or two.” I hoped it wouldn’t; this Elekid shouldn’t have to pay for his Trainer’s mistake. I kept him company in the room for as long as I could, until it was too late.

    The next morning I was awoken by one of the Nurses. She rushed me to Elekid’s room, and showed me Elekid. He was limping around his room happily. I walked up to him, wondering if he would remember me. The Elekid tried to jump up onto my shoulder, but his leg was too weak to. I picked him up. He smiled, looking down to Knight’s Pokéball pleadingly. I gently set him down on his bed, and let Knight out of his Pokéball. Knight yawned, looking to the Elekid with surprise. They both smiled at each other, talking. Knight looked to me a few times, and still talked and talked.

    After a while, Knight floated over to me. He pointed to Elekid, and took his battle stance. I smiled; “But Elekid doesn’t have a trainer, that’s the problem-.” Knight pointed to one of my spare Pokéballs in my backpack. My smile brightened. “Are you sure, Elekid?” Elekid nodded twice.

    __________________________________________________________



    We finally found a courtyard outside our city; apparently Elekid had been here before. He raced toward his side of the field, full of energy.

    I called out Knight, and stood back from the battle. Knight took his battle pose. I nodded to Elekid, signaling that he could have the first move.

    Elekid charged his electricity, and used a powerful Thunder Bolt on Knight. Knight was thrown backward. He slowly got up, and threw a Shadow Ball at Elekid. Elekid dodged with Quick Attack, and hit Knight with another Thunder Bolt.

    Knight got up again, and used Spite, taking all of Elekid’s Thunder Bolt’s PokéPower away. Knight then used Shadow Ball repeatedly, knocking Elekid to the ground instead.

    Elekid was hit by all of them, but managed to summon the energy to get up. He used Fire Punch on Knight, but Knight disappeared and reappeared to dodge the attack.

    Elekid was panting hard, so I thought I could catch it. I threw a Pokéball at it, and…

    (Hopefully this isn't too terrible...)
    Last edited by Knight of Day; 25th April 2010 at 04:49 PM.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Knight's Adventure [Awaiting Grading]

    Hi, there. Thanks for waiting: I'm here to grade your story now!

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory:I liked the intro, style-wise. It sets the stage well. However, it does lack more than a minor amount of backstory, only mentioning the information that's relevant to the plotline (with the exception of a reference to the main character's father and one of his friends.)
    The fact that your main character is never described, or even named, is actually justified by the way the story is told in the first person. However, that doesn't quite justify the way very little else is described, which I'll go into below.

    Plot Content, Plot Flow: Your plot is an interesting break from the classic, "Trainer goes searching for Pokémon to catch, encounters and battles one, then catches it." However, the main problem with your plot is that it seems very disjointed. What I mean is that the transitions from one location to another can sometimes be very sudden, going from one place to another without warning and occasionally without explanation.
    Quote Originally Posted by Knight of Day
    My father had gone into the forest once: to look for my Gastly whom I had lost in the night during a Lightening Storm. I thought I had lost him forever. My only Pokémon that I had ever had… lost. I blamed myself, and ran out into the forest carrying my backpack and Pokéballs.
    This paragraph is the worst offender. I thought you were still just giving backstory, but then suddenly... Wait, it's not your father in the forest? It's you? Where did that come from?
    Essentially, it's not clear what you're trying to say. My guess is either:
    a) Your father failed to find Knight and so your character took matters into his own hands, or
    b) These were two separate occasions?

    A bit more clarity in your transitions would be nice. For instance, that one transition between your character trying to sleep and seeing the battle in the distance is good; others, such as this one, are simply too short, giving the feeling of an unnecessarily abrupt 'scene change:'
    Quote Originally Posted by Knight of Day
    Finally, the Electrivire fell to the ground, unconscious. Elekid fainted a few feet away from exhaustion. I picked him up, and rushed him to a Pokémon Center.
    Grammar, Sentence Flow:Your grammar and spelling, on the other hand, are very good. I couldn't find anything that leapt out at me as wrong, and I won't bore you by (as I tend to do) going through your story with a fine-toothed comb and pointing out tiny errors that don't actually impact the legibility of your writing. Good job on this count.

    Detail, Description:Unfortunately, this was by far one of your weakest points. What you need to remember is that, while you likely have a clear mental picture of the people and places you're trying to describe in your writing, the reader does not have the same picture: You need to paint it for them using your words.
    While the very beginning of your story gave a good description of the forest and the current weather, it was undermined by the fact that nothing else is described. Your house, and the porch on which you're sitting, remain complete blanks, as do the trees of the forest that you're walking through (and that your character is actually glancing at) two paragraphs(!) later. At least tell the reader what he sees with those glances.

    This problem persists throughout the story, as well-described details are mixed with a lack of more necessary information. When your character stops to have dinner, the horizon 'flourishes with the colours of fire and wind,' but a mere sentence before, none of the surroundings of the 'large, fallen tree' he ate by are mentioned, even the cave which is apparently visible from where he's standing (since he doesn't move between then and being awoken by the forest Pokémon.)

    Later, your character meets Elekid's abusive/uncaring Trainer, but no explanation of how he met the Trainer (was he also in the Pokémon Center? Did your character seek him out?) is given, and the Trainer isn't so much as described, much less given more than one line (despite being significantly important to the plot...)
    For that matter, the waiting room of the Pokémon Center remains a complete blank, and the same goes for the Nurse who your character talks to.
    One thing that was particularly jarring was that Knight, who consists entirely of a ball of gas with eyes, is shown to do things like hug your character and 'point' at Elekid, but it's a bit of a leap of the imagination to figure out how. How this happens needs to be explained to the reader in order to avoid a potentially frustrating attempt to figure out 'just what would that look like??'

    Finally, see below for a comment on the battle-related descriptions, which were also lacking.


    Battles:While your battles seem well-thought-out and are innovative in that they don't specifically keep to the in-game use of attacks... both of the described battles consist entirely of sentences like:
    Quote Originally Posted by Knight of Day
    Elekid charged his electricity, and used a powerful Thunder Bolt on Knight. Knight was thrown backward. He slowly got up, and threw a Shadow Ball at Elekid. Elekid dodged with Quick Attack, and hit Knight with another Thunder Bolt.
    Sure, you go so far as to actually describe Knight being thrown backward once, but honestly? This was the part where I found myself wanting to yell, "What exactly does a Thunder Bolt look like??" Yes, it's an attack that anyone who's played the games will know, but that doesn't mean I want to see a battle report straight out of the games.
    Describe each attack to make it more interesting. For example:
    --"Elekid spun his arms, charging up his electricity, then loosed a crackling bolt of power at Knight: a Thunder Bolt! Knight was thrown backward. The ghostly ball of gas slowly rose from where he had landed on the ground, and the courtyard seemed to darken, the shadows lengthening ominously. More shadows gathered in an undulating orb in front of Knight. A moment later, Knight launched the Shadow Ball at Elekid, who dodged the counterattack with blinding speed."

    Nonetheless, what you wrote was approximately what I'd expect for a Simple-rated catch, so while it's obvious you can do far better, this complaint should be taken simply as 'advice for next time.'


    Overall:This story's interesting plot and easy-to-read sentence structure are offset by a distinct lack of the most vital details of the world around your character. The battles are well-thought-out and have great potential to be interesting, you failed to translate them in a way that makes them both interesting and descriptive, which dulled the story's spark by a great deal.
    Nonetheless, the story is enjoyable for all that, and it does, in my opinion, meet the requirements for a Simple catch. I must warn you, though, that this story would not have received a pass if you were attempting to catch a higher-difficulty Pokémon. It's evident from your writing that you can do better, so don't stop trying. I hope my feedback helps: I feel like some of it was a bit harsh, but it's there to help you improve on the weaker points of your writing.


    Result:
    Elekid: Caught.
    Congratulations!
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 2nd May 2010 at 12:09 PM.
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