"Keeper of the Cave!" (Graded)

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    The Antithesis of Fun Feng's Avatar
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    Default "Keeper of the Cave!" (Graded)

    Story by Feng277394. AKA- Bill.

    Writer's Note:

    Bill just started his Pokemon journey today, so he has no idea or experience at adventuring.

    Dunsparce is my favorite Pokemon! So of course I would capture it!

    _____________________

    Keeper of the Cave!


    Taking his first steps into Route 31 from the Violet City borders, Bill begun his journey as a Pokemon Trainer! With his trusty Sentret, Swipes, Bill marches confidently on a sketchy dirt path, sprouting the beginning of his own adventures.

    "Hey Swipes, today is the first day we get to start traveling without my dad!" said Bill with glee and happiness.
    "Ret-Reet!" cried the tiny Sentret with confidence.

    Previously, whenever Bill wanted to travel out of the big city, his father would prevent him from sidetracking into the wildlife by strangling Bill's ambitions with a tough, strict iron fist. Swipes, a Sentret who was once Bill's childhood pet and friend, is now his companion for years to come on his new adventure.

    The very first thing Bill did on Route 31 was rush directly into the moist tall grasses. Impatiently, he searched the grass for living creatures. Bill stared into the wild grass on the opposite side of the road, glacing at a huge Caterpie feeding on plant stems.
    Bill shouted and pointed at the bug, "A Caterpie!"
    Swipes pointed at the big pokemon, mimicing Bill,"Seeenn!"
    "Swipes! Use Scratch"
    Swipes revealed its sharp claws hidden in its furry right paw and viciously jumped at the Caterpie with all its fury
    "Ieeee!" screeched the massive bug Pokemon.
    Caterpie sprung into rapid action after seeing the terrifying Sentret jump at it, and uses String Shot. Swipes is captured by the sticky fibers and is strung to a tree.
    "Swipes! Noo!" screamed Bill in terror.
    As Bill rushed to help his Sentret, Caterpie made a quick escape back into the untamed grass.
    "W-wait!" Bill threw one of his two pokeballs that were given to begin his journey at the Caterpie, but it hastily avoided it.

    "*sigh* What a bad start for the beginning of our adventure, Swipes," exclaims Bill in a negative and gloomy manner as he attempted to undo the thick silk that Swipes is glued under.
    "Sennn..." weeped Swipes for its failure to fight the Caterpie.
    "I guess I'm not that great of a trainer after all, Swipes."
    "Sent!" disapproved his Pokemon.
    "No, your wrong, I was never prepared for this journey, I might as well just go back to Father..." Bill was about to make his way back to Violet City, when Swipes jumped in front of him, blocking the way.
    "T-Tret! Sen-Entret!"

    As the sky grew darker when night danced its way through the clouds, haze begun crawling into what was daylight. Bill begun feeling a freezing cold cling to his body, so he began searching for the closest shelter possible on the route.
    "Swipes, a cave! We should be safe here for the night!"
    "Trrreeet?" Swipes felt some mysterious presence coming from the terrifyingly dark cave.

    Bill took out his flashlight from his bag, not knowing that the cave he was diving into was the infamous "Dark Cave". A treacherously long passage from Violet to Blackthorn City blackened by darkness which has been a local area known for producing long lists of missing hikers and adventurers.

    The further Bill ascended into the dark passage, the more stiff and awkward Swipes began to feel. After a few minutes or so, Bill has cluelessly forgotten where the entrance of the cave was. Swipes bumped into a boulder in the dark environment, which soon began to bustle with movement.
    "Geeo-GeoDUUUUDE!" erupted the boulder, which Bill soon realized to be a Geodude.
    Soon, more boulders became animate around Bill and Swipes.
    "Swipes! What have you done!" spoke Bill in a shocked manner while wildly pointing his flashlight around at the crowd of swaggering Geodude. The Geodude were pushing each other, trying to snatch at Bill and his Sentret with their sturdy arms.

    "Sssssssssss..." rattled a creature on a ledge, visually hidden by the darkness.
    All the Geodude slowed down their advance, and in a few moments they begun to halting their action and went a few feet away from Bill and Swipes, who were now hugging each other in pure desperation.
    "H-Huh? Wh-What was that?" Bill pointed his flashlight at the hissing Pokemon. "A... A Dunsparce?"
    "Sssspaaarrrccee!" Dunsparce's eyes began to glow deep red as it prepared to use Glare.

    "Trett!!!" screamed Swipes.
    Instead of using Glare at Swipes or Bill, Dunsparce used it on the flashlight.
    The bulb in the flashlight soon begun glowing brighter and brighter, until it exploded. "Huh? What the-" started questioning Bill, who was soon interrupted by a rush of darkness and a mood of despair.

    "Tret?" something nudged Swipes.
    "Dunsssssss..." rumbled the Dunsparce.
    "Tr-Tret!!" replied the Sentret.
    "Ssssparccceee..."
    "Sen!"
    "Sssss!"
    "Tret!" understood Swipes.

    Swipes tugged Bill really hard.
    "Huh, you want me to follow you? I can't see..."
    "Trrrret!" the tugging got ever more tough.
    "Okay, okay fine!" grumbled Bill.

    Bill was guided by his trusty Sentret, who miraculously in return was being guided by the Dunsparce for an unknown cause. Bill walked slowly through narrow passages in the cave, hearing the screeches of Zubat. Bill had never felt like this before, blinded by the darkness. His other senses sharpened, he begun to understand the true meaning of adventuring. He could feel the wet rocky walls, hear the splash of the puddles he walks into, smell the dead air of the dungeon.

    Within half an hour since Bill approached the Dark Cave, Bill was seemingly guided back out.

    "We're alive!" shouted Bill in joyful celebration.
    "Sentre-tret!" replied Sentret.
    "W-Wait... hold on a second... we aren't on Route 31 anymore..." Bill said motionlessly as he stared at a wooden bridge that connected to a village-like civilization lined with wooden huts.
    "Dunsssss..." answered the Dunsparce as it fluttered with its gracious, tiny wings which were now visible to Bill outside of the cave. The Dunsparce floated serenely to a wooden sign nailed to a lifeless, splintered tree, by the bridge.

    |____BLACKTHORN CITY_____|
    |A QUIET MOUNTAIN RETREAT|


    "Sssssss..." the Dunsparce begun to flutter back to the cave entrance. Swipes understood what Dunsparce was, it was the Keeper of the Dark Cave, the caretaker of the cave's dominion and leader of the cave's Pokemon.
    "N-No wait!" Bill chases Dunsparce into his previous exit.
    "Ssss-sparce?" asked the Pokemon.
    "Swipes! Use Scratch!" Bill understood the means of becoming a trainer now, he was going to catch that Dunsparce, and unlike his earlier failed attempt.. This time, Bill will think tactically.
    "Tret!" Swipes first paused in confusion but in a quick moment it soon got Bill's plan. They were going to capture Dunsparce. Swipes launched its claws at the Dunsparce in a fury.
    "Sssparcee!" Dunsparce suffered greatly from the wound that was spurred from the surprise attack that was inflicted onto its back. As Swipes continued scratching it, Dunsparce utilized its rough, rattle-like tail to furiously flail Sentret off of its wounded body. Dunsparce eyes began to glow a different red than previously seen by Bill. It then sprung onto Swipes, smacking the Sentret with a voracious Rage.
    "Swipes, use Defense Curl!" ordered Bill.
    Swipes quickly curled into a defensive position guarding its soft belly from the raging Dunsparce. The Dunsparce soon begun tiring itself out with the meaningless attacks at the Sentret's broad back, to the point where its delicate wings couldn't flutter no further.
    As the Dunsparce began going down its path to downfall, Swipes jumped several feet into the air. The Sentret then hardened its belly and begun diving at the dying Pokemon, slamming it's torso with immense velocity.
    As Furret collided onto the rocky ground, bits and pieces of gravel and dirt flew in multiple directions, blinding Bill's view for just several seconds. Once the cloud of rubble dispersed, Bill found Swipes planted into the ground and a round hole where the Dunsparce once was. Then all the sudden, a few meters away from Swipe's impact zone, Dunsparce's drill-like tail shot out of the ground. Dunsparce eyes began to grow red again, the rubble produced by the Sentret started levitating, Dunsparce was releasing its inner Ancient Powers.

    "What the heck is this..." muttered Bill. Bill realized Swipes was in intense danger.
    "Senn..Sen.." responded the implanted Sentret.
    "Swipes! Get out of there!"
    As the Sentret wriggled out of the floor in desperation, rocky shards flew threw the air in its direction. Swipes popped out of the ground, with only a few tufts of its fur scrapped off by the flying rubble. The Dunsparce then stumbled after using its remaining energy.
    "Swipes! That was a close one, the Dunsparce is weak. Let's finish it off with Focus Punch!"
    "Trettt!" The Sentret closed its eyes, stiffened its balance on its tail, and began concentrating to transfer all of its energy into its right fist.
    Dunsparce leaped at Swipes as quick as possible, attempting to prevent it from using a mighty Focus Punch, but Bill rushed in the way intervene, blocking the Pokemon's attack with his chest. The impact against him was quite wimpish, proving Dunsparce was out of steam. Swipes finally prepared its devastating attack, launching its coin-sized fist at the Dunsparce's face, finally ready for capture.


    It's time, Bill reminded himself in his mind. This is my only chance, Bill swiftly grabbed out his final unused Pokeball from his bag and launched it with his tingling muscles at the dazed and exhausted creature. I've done it.

    The Pokeball slammed against the creature's forehead - only to reflect back into the air, opened up. Beamed out a lazer-like red that enveloped Dunsparce, the capsule sucked the Normal-Pokemon into itself. The Pokeball dropped onto the thousand-year old rocky outcroppings scattered around the entrance, where it tilted side-to-side as Dunsparce attempted to free itself with the little strength it still had harnessable. Bill could feel the air tremble as the ball shifted side to side. Side to side.

    Swipes stopped breathing.

    *tilt*

    Curled into a ball.

    *tilt*.

    Glowed distinctly.

    *tilt*

    Swipes body transforms. Its plump body elongated. Its long ears shrunk into pointy stems. Its tail merged together with its body. Its shape stretched out.

    "...Errr... Swipes?..."
    Last edited by Feng; 21st June 2010 at 03:15 PM.




  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Grade Needed)

    hello, this is just a claim to grade, expect a grade within two days of this post

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Grade Needed)

    Intro:
    We're introduced to Bill, who has just left his dad to go on his adventure.

    There isn't much of a hook, and the one interesting thing that people see in the beginning is that he traveled with his dad. What did they do? Why did he decided to leave his dad? Etc. Etc. A hook needs to get a person interested in your story. Maybe if you started with some action like the Geodude group surrounding Bill, and he starts to regret leaving his father, or something like that.

    Plot:
    Bill leaves his father to start his journey. He ventures into the Dark Cave and interrupts a group of sleeping Geodude, who are scared away by a Dunsparce. Dunsparce leads them out of the cave, which Bill returns the favor by trying to catch it.

    The plot is a bit too simple for a Medium attempt. If you would include more backstory or have the Geodude be more of a problem for Bill, the story would have more drama and interest.

    Grammar:
    One Geodude, two Geodude. Pokemon are like deer. You don't add an "s" on the end to make it plural.

    Also, you should try to keep the same tense throughout a paragraph at least. Here is a prime example:

    As the sky grew as dark as night, haze began crawling into what was daylight. Bill begun feeling a freezing cold cling to his body, so he began searching for the closest shelter possible on the route.
    You use different tenses of the same verb, which is bad. If you just reread your story, you can find these small mistakes.

    Detail:
    Needs a bit more. I keep asking myself why/what in this story. Why is this Dunsparce helping Bill? Why is the group of Geodude afraid of one Dunsparce. What was Bill doing with his father before hand. All these things can help increase the length of the story and help bring the reader into your story.

    Remember, you know everything that is happening in your story. However, you reader only knows as much as they are told.

    Length:
    Short story is short. About 5K from the min for the medium Pokemon. I suggest including more backstory about Bill traveling with his father.

    Reality:
    Glare shouldn't destory a flashlight, since the glare is a psycholigical attack that instills fear. Flashlights are not alive. Also, why would a very large group of Geodude be scared of a Dunsparce that can't even hurt a Sentret.

    Battle:
    Too short for a Medium Pokemon. Plus it wasn't much of a battle. A defense curl doesn't protect that well. More fighting, more moves, more excitment, these are what are needed to help boost up this category.

    Personal Feelings:
    As a digital media major, I enjoyed the fact that you included images in your story. While they don't replace a good description, they are a good suppliment. Also, as you've seen, I like to pick at the small stuff, like Bill's dad. There is some trope that if the author introduces something in the beginning, it will definetely be relevant. But Bill's dad isn't really brought up anymore.

    Verdict (I'll do the tilting here):
    Wiggle:
    Wiggle: Dunsparce is too Epic to be caught!

    Increase the amount of characters, make the battle more epic deserving a Dunsparce, and more plot twists will help. PM me when you revise the story.

    I look foward to see the new version.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    The Antithesis of Fun Feng's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Graded)

    Okay I will fix this up. Add more content. Ya.
    Last edited by Feng; 27th May 2010 at 07:03 PM.




  5. #5
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Graded)

    Quote Originally Posted by feng277394 View Post
    by the way, aren't graders supposed to count spaces? anyways done re-editing!
    I do, and right now, starting after your title, you have 7,247 characters with spaces which is still too short. Before I do another grade, I must suggest again to add more with the Geodude attacking and just a longer battle, maybe two more moves on each side. Explore the different aspects of the two Pokemon battling, remember: these Pokemon are for the URPG so they can know a lot of different moves. Dunsparce can use yawn, dig, ancient power, etc. They also don't have to be limited to 4 moves.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Graded)

    Ready for a grade again!




  7. #7
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    Default Re: "Keeper of the Cave!" (Already Being Graded)

    Guess who finally found time to regrade?
    This is going to be a whole new grade since its been awhile since the last grade:


    Intro:
    Section 1: Hook
    Not so much of a hook. It was a little interesting though with the passing mention of his backstory.

    Section 2: The Character
    The character wasn't described as well as he could have been. I understand you have the graphic, but you should still describe him. Thing of the graphics as a supplimentary material: They aren't the main attraction, but they help accentuate what has already been said.

    The backstory and the inital attempt to catch the caterpie was a good insight into the soul of the character which was nice. It even brought a sense of Sentret's character, which is good because Pokemon have feelings too...

    Plot/Reality:
    The plot was again, not complex, but had some turns. I half expected Bill to run home and end his journey. It was a good thing that it was getting late.

    The one thing that bothered me is that it was getting late when he entered the cave, yet when he exited the dark cave he could see the tiny wings in the dark night. I guess you could argue that there was a moon or something else lighting the way, but you should put it there.

    Length:
    Around 10,120 Characters by my count. The pictures helped a little. The story is a bit on the short side, but since its your first story, it isn't much of a mark down.

    Grammar:
    Not as many Grammar mistakes as before, but there were a lot of the same few mistakes.

    Tenses:
    Caterpie sprung into rapid action after seeing the terrifying Sentret jump at it, and uses String Shot. Swipes is captured by the sticky fibers and is strung to a tree.
    Sprung is past tense while uses and is captured are present tenses. This happens a few times.
    "*sigh* What a bad start for the beginning of our adventure, Swipes," exclaims Bill in a negative and gloomy manner as he attempted to undo the thick silk that Swipes is glued under.
    Began, Had Begun
    Began is present tense,
    Begun is past,
    Had Begun is used for past perfect tense.
    As the sky grew darker when night danced its way through the clouds, haze begun crawling into what was daylight. Bill begun feeling a freezing cold cling to his body, so he began searching for the closest shelter possible on the route.
    Past perfect is used to show which of two events happened first. So you had, "As the sky grew darker when night danced its way through the clouds," so you begun should be "had begun."
    Also, Bill began feeling and began searching.

    You did good with Paragraphing, but you forgot something important that happens with the URPG stories: You always double space between the paragraphs. It helps the readers, well, read.

    Small errors:
    Weeped --> Wept
    Glacing -->Glancing
    He could feel the wet rocky walls, hear the splash of the puddles he walks into, smell the dead air of the dungeon.
    Don't for get the "and" before smell.

    Detail:
    Again, describe the main character. Imaging that the reader's browser doesn't support images. Describe everything, the more detail, the more characters: the better experience readers will have.

    Battle:
    MUCH BETTER
    You put more much detail into the battle than anything else, Describing each attack and their responses well. If you put more effort into the rest of the description, you'll be catching harder Pokemon in the future.


    Personal Feelings:
    I noticed that this was your first story here, which is in your benifit. The story was overall a decent tale, with a lot of the same mistakes grammatically so I couldn't take off too much for that. I also like the little diversion you made at the end with your Pokemon evolving. Very: Who's that Pokemon.

    I still like your inclusions of graphics. But in the future, other graders might not like this. I say, I pictures is good enough for Harry Potter, its good enough for me!

    Verdict

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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