Keep On Keeping On (A Ferroseed Autobiography) (READY FOR GRADING)
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Thread: Keep On Keeping On (A Ferroseed Autobiography) (READY FOR GRADING)

  1. #1

    Default Keep On Keeping On (A Ferroseed Autobiography) (READY FOR GRADING)

    Hello. My name is Ferroseed. I am 16 years old (In Poke-years) and live in small town Mistralton City, Unova. I was born on July 30th, in Littleroot Town. My favorite color is green, my favorite food is a piping hot bowl of gears. I enjoy long spins and listening to the Pokegear radio. I also like blah blah blah.

    Enough babbling, time for the interesting stuff.

    My life started like any other normal Pokemon's. My unnamed father impregnated my unknown mother’s egg, and thus my life began. I sat there, like every other baby before me, in my mother's egg for about a month. Pretty normal right? I wish.

    Turns out my mother didn't want me. I wasn't the girl she hoped I'd be. So, after a day of being in the outside world, I was adopted to an older couple who already had a 12 and 14 year old. My little 6 pound body was moved around more than the moving van's luggage. I had hazel eyes, steel skin and an attitude. Never before did this family see a baby cry and throw more than I did. They loved me nonetheless, and I think I did too.

    I was told that about a year after that I was adopted, my mother and father divorced, causing uproar in the Nidoking household. My sister, Nidorina, moved out, as did my brother, Nidorino. My father, Nidoking, left the house. I didn't see him again until I was 5, but more on that later. Little did Nidorina know that in 6 years time I would return to her life, in a bigger way than anyone expected.

    My earliest memory was back when I was probably about 2 years old. I was out in my little wading pool, eating licorice as my “mother”, Nidoqueen, sat inside, talking to her friend. Being 2 years old, I was deathly afraid of insects, so you can assume my reaction when I noticed the multiple dead Weedle floating around me. I sprang up and dashed into the house, screaming my little lungs until my mom comforted me. That's all I can remember.

    When I was about 4, my mother enrolled me into a preschool in Nuvema Town, where we lived at the time. It was here that I met my first best friend, his name being Pichu. My adventures with Pichu taught me valuable lessons, such as be polite and always listen to others. He was my greatest friend, perhaps even my only friend. We did everything together, and we were ecstatic to learn that upon our preschool graduation, we would be going to the same elementary school together. Our mothers saw it fitting for us.

    Fast forward a year. I'm 5 years old and about to start school. It's the summer time, and my father demanded to see me. Of course, my mother thought this was okay, as she needed a little time off from my wacky antics (such as the classic “” until she cracked or the ever so popular “Please? Pleeaaseee can I have that?”). Thus, about a week after my birthday, she sent me to Goldenrod City to see my father.

    He was a bigger man, if you get what I mean. His pudgy stature and scary appearance didn't resemble anything I saw in the picture my mother had shown me, so I was a little afraid of this Pokemon. Of course, I now realize this was probably the result of the divorce. How would you react if the woman you loved ceased in doing so?

    Anyway, I soon realized that this man was indeed my father, and he was accompanied by a girlfriend, Krokorck, and two other children, Sandile and a male Nidoran, my respective half-brother and half-sister (even though I'm adopted, I use these terms normally.) It wasn't long before I didn't like them. This family wasn't a family I was used to, with constant yelling and bickering and me having to forcefully share my toys. I couldn't wait to get out of there, and after a week, I was able to.

    Okay, here we are. First day of school. My mother moved our two person family nearer to the school, this being about less than a block away. Of course, I was late on my first day of Kindergarten. I don't remember how, but I was. I was happy so see Pichu's smiling face there, ready to greet my presence. We continued our play throughout that Kindergarten year, but it was only a matter of time before the jealousy kicked in.

    I was a naturally shy boy (I still am.), so I didn't make many other friends besides Pichu. However, he was probably the most talkative little mouse you would ever meet. It didn't take him very long to be a friend to everyone in the classroom. He spent a lot of his time with his new friends, while I sat at the table, by myself, playing with the homemade Poke-Doh my mother made me. It was during this time that I met my two new friends, Drillbur and Bulbasaur. They came up to me one day, while Pichu was playing in the sandbox. They asked me if they could play with their Play-Doh alongside me. I hesitated, but eventually said yes.

    Whenever Pichu was busy with other people, I would gather up these two and we would lend our imaginations to the dough in front of us. We made worms, snails, dragons, shields, anything that we saw would be cool and awesome. Every day after school, I would walk with them home, always saying the same things to them.

    “See you later, Feraligatr!”

    “In a while, Krookodile!” they would respond back.

    Of course, I still did things with Pichu. He was still my best friend, and we would constantly call each other after school and arrange play dates. We even had the same lunchboxes, yet somehow we knew which one was ours at all times. Soon, we were done with Kindergarten, us four, and we were ready for Grade 1.

    I was your typical hooligan in Kindergarten, so you could tell I had problems when I actually had to do work. It didn't take me long to catch on, though, and I assume this is where I gained my ability to understand things quickly and demonstrate them just as fast.

    Grade 1 introduced a little system called the “Star Student.” The teacher, Miss Staraptor, would randomly pick a child's name and would call the person who she picked to the front of the classroom. She would then tell the class how great of a student we were, and would ask us questions pertaining to our likes, what we liked to do, etc. I wasn't chosen until near the end of the year, but when it finally happened, I was joyful. I was tearing up. Why was I like this? Well, I enjoyed to be liked. To be recognized. I still do. I liked to feel proud, because when you lived in a humble family, this was the only way to feel proud and not feel bad about it.

    The Christmas of this year was the year that launched something important in my life. I got a lot of presents, but there was one thing that stood out to me. It was a Gameboy Color, specially designed with a human around the screen. The system came with a copy of Humanity Yellow, which was my first video game. This Gameboy meant a lot to me. I carried it wherever I went. It launched my love of video games, and it was probably because of this little system that I want to become a Video Game Programmer.

    Anyway, time for after school stuff. By this, I mean the babysitter's. You see, my mom was a single mother now, so of course she couldn't be there all the time. Sometimes, I would go to Nidorina's apartment, where we would simply watch television until it was time to go home. Other times, I had to go to the dreaded Dusknoir's house.

    Dusknoir and her sons, Dusclops and Duskull, weren't bad people. They didn't do any truly bad things, besides take full control of my Gameboy when I was sleeping. But, they weren't the richest family. In fact, they lived off of Welfare cheques and the such, with her boy's schooling funded by the government. Of course, I didn't know this at the time, and just assumed they didn't want me to have juice because they didn't like sharing. Actually, looking back, I can see this being a somewhat truth.

    Duskull was younger than Dusclops, about 11 or 12, Dusclops being an angry, hormonal teenager. Duskull would stand up for me when Dusclops got mad at me, and thus, this newcomer in my life became my fifth friend. Whenever I wasn't at school, we would go down to the park and play, or stay at his house and watch me play Humanity. He was also the one who taught me the true art of lying, and how to make them convincing. I knew this first hand, as he would constantly tell me tall tales, and I would believe every word until he confessed otherwise.

    It was around this time when my precious Gameboy was stolen from me. Duskull and I went to the park one day, but I just wanted to relax. I took my Gameboy with me and sat down and played it while he went off with the other neighborhood Pokemon. I was having troubles at a specific part in the game, so I went up to a bigger Pokemon and asked if he could help me. This boy, who quickly saw the advantages in this situation, said he could probably help. I smiled and gave him the Gameboy, hoping he could do it. He said he just had to go to a shady place to study it. My naivety got the better of me, so I let him do what he had to do.

    It was about 30 minutes later before I realized something was wrong. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was stuck as well. I ran over to the place he went to, and found nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't know what to do. I spun to Duskull, crying, and told him the situation. Luckily, he knew the Pokemon that took my treasure, and within an hour we retrieved my Gameboy. Oh, how gracious I was! This was probably where I developed my distrust in strangers.

    Eventually, it was time for second grade. Dusknoir and her family moved away, and I didn't see them for a long time. My friends and I ventured into this unknown world, not sure what to expect. We already learned how to add and subtract, and how to write. What else do we need to know? This is when we learned that our messy way of printing wasn't going to cut it, and we had to learn cursive. I was starting to settle down around this time in my life, so I gradually became a smarter child. I was dubbed the smartest Pokemon in class before, well, before I left.

    My mother had to have a surgery in her neck, you see, so she couldn't care for me while she had to recover. The only person she could think of was Nidorina, who now lived by herself in Moose Jaw. In October, 2001, about 2 weeks before Halloween, I was sent to live with her. Pichu cried, I cried, almost everyone cried. Apparently, I made more of an impact than I assumed.

    I wouldn't see Pichu again for another few years.

    I lost my first group of friends, and in return gained a new experience. I now lived with my 18 year old sister. I remembered where we lived: a little shanty one roomed apartment, right across from the bank. She told me that I wouldn't go back to school until after we moved into a real house, which wouldn't be until after Halloween. I was 7 at the time, so I was happy for the little “second summer” I had. But, it wasn't as long as I had hoped, and the day after Halloween, I was enrolled as a second grader at St. Agnes. Again, I was late for my first day of school. It was like a curse.

    My new teacher directed me to my desk and started class. All these new faces frightened me. I wasn't used to these people at all. I was scared. Who were these people? Who were these new kids? I went out on the first recess in a long time confused and unsure of where to go. This is where I met Bellsprout and Scraggy.

    They were awkward Pokemon like me, and this time, it was I who approached them. I had hopes that they liked video games, and they did. We hit if off great, discussing them daily. It wasn't long before they became my new best friends. However, I still had that place in my heart that Pichu once filled. It was empty, but as the years went on, I would soon learn to forget him.

    In third grade, Nidorina and I received a call from our father. We had just learned that our little brother, Nidoran, had passed away. I was far too young to be affected drastically, but it truly shocked my dad. It did so much that he decided to move to Moose Jaw. Funnily enough, I still didn't see much of him or my sister Drillbur.

    For the next few years, it was just my two friends and I against the world. We would talk about which girls were cute, what games were great and whose house we should go over to. Things turned around, possibly for the worst, when we became acquainted with Machoke.

    It was about 4th grade when Machoke started to talk to us. He was a larger Pokemon, tall wise, and we were always a little intimidated by him. He wasn't really a stranger, though, as he was in our grade for the past 2 years. His startling looks, however, would always send shivers down our spine, so of course we were surprised when he asked us to hang out.

    After that, he was officially our “friend.” Us four would do a lot of things together, but I was still unsure about him. The others welcomed him, but he would constantly abuse me, but would later tell me that he didn't “mean” it, and he was just having fun. I didn't enjoy his idea of fun, but I went on with it. He was essentially my bodyguard now, and with him I felt safe.

    Things changed a lot in fifth grade, however. The new kid, Hitmonlee Berenik, started attending our school, which was at the same time my group of friends were split up, with Machoke and I being in Mrs. Medicham's grade 5, while Scraggy. and Bellsprout were attending the 4/5 split class. It wasn't that big of a deal, as we would simply meet up at recess and lunch. It was at these meetings that Hitmonlee would follow me (he was in my class) and talk to my friends. He soon became their friend, but I wouldn't take him in easily.

    However, eventually, he did become my friend, and our group grew to five. Hitmonlee introduced us to the youth program at the Minto Church, and we jumped on it. Yet, Machoke and Scraggy did not really enjoy these outings, and would rather stay home. No matter, as we still had fun anyway.

    It was here at the youth group that I met Alakazam Cleveland. He was the youth pastor, the one in charge of our fun activities every Friday night. I was able to trust him soon after I met him. From that point on, he was like my mentor. I could talk to him about anything, and he would listen. He still does.

    It was also the year that Nidorina gave birth to a female Nidoran. Nidoran was a beautiful baby girl, the daughter of Sandslash Ambrose and Nidorina, and she changed our lives. It was hard for me, an “only child” of sorts, to adjust to the life of a baby. It was around this time that Sandslash started to change towards me, perhaps for the worst.

    Okay, it is now time for sixth grade. We were all in the same class now, which was great. The summer was uneventful at best, the most interesting thing being that Machoke got stung by a wasp. Our regular hang out, the Tech Pond, was going strong, and we were always interested in those computer games. Machoke would rarely join us, though, as he was too busy working out at the Fighting Gym in town. He got a little addicted to it in this time, and now the little punishments he gave me would hurt even more.

    This year was slow for me. For some reason, I can't really remember much about it. The only thing of significance was that Hitmonlee and I grew closer. Soon, he became my best friend, and we did mostly everything together. This was quite the change from the resistance I gave him before. There was also a boy who was obsessed with trying to be my friend, but I suppose it was so insignificant that I can't even remember his name. I think he moved.

    It is now grade 7. Once again, our group was split up, with Hitmonlee, Machoke and I in the 7/8 class, while Bellsprout and Scraggy were in the pure 7 class. Like before, we would simply meet up at the playground, yet we didn't really play all that often. Our “sophisticated” minds were far too advanced for barbaric games like football. At least, most of us.

    Machoke, and occasionally Hitmonlee, would go play football with literally everyone else in the 7th grade, leaving the original group alone, just like the old days. We would walk around the schoolyard, just talking. It was this way that we met Lombre and Munchlax.

    Lombre was a boy from California, looking quite short and slightly Asian. Munchlax was his best friend, yet he was on the chubbier side. One day, while leisurely strolling, we bumped into them. Literally. We said sorry, and went on our ways, talking about video games. It must have been dumb luck that they did, but the duo we just met overheard us talking. They rushed back to us, saying they also enjoyed playing them, and from then on it was friendship at its finest.

    Machoke left our group for a while, taking the route to do physical things now rather than our video games. Adam returned from the football craze, though, and we were now at a group of six. I like our new friends, but I opted to ask my older, usual friends to do things outside of school instead of these newcomers. With all things, though, this would change the following year.

    We spent the year doing the standard things, playing games, talking about games, etc. Nothing out of the norm. I quite enjoyed my teacher, Mr. Hypno, mainly because he was my first male teacher and was a pretty “chill” Pokemon. My friends thought the same way. We were also thinking about the next year, the eighth grade, and how it might change us.

    Eighth grade turned out to be a slight change. We were all together now, which was great, but we were also different. Machoke was a jerk now, attacking people who disagreed with him. I tried to avoid him while I tried to enjoy the last year of elementary school. I was beginning to bond more with Munchlax and Lombre, while slowly listing away from my old group. Soon, I would sometimes disregard my old friends to hang out with Lombre and Munchlax. We would do the zaniest things that a few 13 year olds could do, like sneak out at night and throw eggs at (abandoned) houses while trying to get back before we were noticed.

    Near the end of the year, however, things changed. My friends told me they missed me, and I missed them as well. Machoke came back, too. He realized his mistakes and vowed he would fix them. That night I remember I cried, for our group was together again. We replaced our home phones with cell phones, our Gamecubes with Xboxes. We became more technologically savvy.

    It saddens me how they have changed so.

    After graduation, we promised each other we would all go to Vanier Collegiate. We made sure we got lockers near each other. Things were good for that grade nine year.

    This was also the period of time that I was hit by a car.

    I won't get into much detail, but it happened on the third day of grade nine. I was rolling home from Scraggy's house, without a care in the world. I had to make sure I got home on time, though, because I had a paper route to carry out. I never did deliver those papers.

    I was crossing High Street when the man pounded me against his car. Some thorns on my head were flapping wildly as I held on to his hood. I didn’t know what in the world was going on. My brain was working too fast for my liking, I couldn’t think straight at all. It took me a moment to realize what had just happened, and as soon as I saw the blood zip past my eyes, my heart sank. I screamed for dear life as he kept going, until finally, a block later, he stopped. I can’t remember much after that, but my head injury needed over 300 iron stitches and a week in the Pokemon Center. I feel like I should have died, but I didn’t.

    When I got back to school, I missed the phase where everyone made new friends. Of course, my usual group didn’t stray far from the path, and upon my return they returned to normal.

    At least, so I thought.

    It all started after I had an infatuation with this girl Pokemon who owned the locker next to mine. This was nothing new to me; I had crushes in the past. But, this one seemed different. I seemed almost…obsessed. She was the only thing I talked about to my friends, and I guess I brought it upon myself that they were annoyed by my babbling. My sulking over her was not well received by them, but of course, I didn’t catch on. It took me a year to realize that yes, she did indeed dislike me so much to the point that she told me I was creepy.

    Yet, maybe my subconscious mind did catch on to my friends’ emotions, as I started to branch out from our group now. During this grade nine year, I met some new people, their names being Lickilicky, Sawk, Croconaw, Mamoswine, Seedot and Gastly. I wasn’t immediately thrust into them, however, meeting Sawk the first day I came back.

    He was almost as awkward as I was, playing his DS during school hours (which was taboo for your social status). I would laugh at him on the inside and call him names when he couldn’t hear. This all stopped when I actually talked to him, however. He liked everything I liked, the main focal point being our love for video games. I would grow to talk to him more, discuss more events with this Pokemon, while at the same time somewhat disregarding my old group of misfits.

    It was through Sawk that I met Croconaw, Seedot and Gastly. These boys were nice to me, they accepted me, and they too enjoyed the video games, albeit different genres. It was a little interesting to meet people who could debate things friendly. But, with the more new friends I made, the more often I would deny my other friends, my old friends. Of course, I would talk to them after school hours, and learn of the things I missed, the discussions I did not take part in.

    Finally, near the end of the year, I met Lickilicky and Mamoswine. I knew of Lickilicky through my paper route, but I wasn’t aware of his name, only that he was a large guy who liked Pokemon battles. The first time I talked to him, he ridiculed me, but then told me to sit down. I decided to, curious of what he wanted. I sat across from him and his friend Mamoswine.

    It was during this hour that we found out how “cool” we were to one another. I liked these new Pokemon, they were funny and witty, while sarcastic at the appropriate times. When it was time for the end of the year, I had made a new group a friends. I would occasionally try to incorporate my new friends into events with my older ones, but my usual group didn’t take them all too kindly, and would usually ditch me, saying that I had new friends.

    By the time tenth grade started, I had lost my old friends. The people that meant most to me were lost in a sea of memories, never to return unless they willed it.

    For the second time in my life, I had a void that my friends left, except this one could have been prevented.

    For a couple weeks after that, I spent my time alone, ignoring everyone, sulking most of the time. It took me a long time to remember that I had a new group of friends, and that I could be with them. After a few months of readjusting, and the birth of Nidorina’s second child, Sandshrew, my life was going uphill. I could finally be included in all conversations, and I could look back and laugh at the old times. I could see all the bad things my old friends did to me, and looking back, I realized that they weren’t all that great of friends to begin with. I spent that grade 10 year with my new friends, and all I could think of was how lucky I was to have them.

    We had a newcomer named Bidoof, but he was just a total “douchebag”, for lack of a better term. He would demoralize women, and I would take that terribly. He made me angry with his typical remarks; people like him made us nice guys look bad. Near the end of the year I tried to fight him, but it turned out he was all words. He left by grade 11, and we found it funny to find him in the grade 9 section in the yearbook.

    The summer of grade ten was great. I got a part time job at McPoffin’s (that I now learn that anyone could get) and I actually participated in events with my friends. I grew closer to Sawk, Croconaw and Lickilicky particularly, and we went driving around in Croconaw’s car. I never did get my license, my learner’s still rotting in my wallet. However, we had fun cruising around late at night, rocking out, having the occasional drink of soda pop.

    And here we are. Present time. Not much has changed, in fact I still think it’s summer holidays. I’m still having a great time with my buds, we are still cruising around, and the year has gone by ever so quickly. I think there is only one phrase that can relate to my situation, one that has kept me going through all these years. It was from a movie I had watched when I was 8.

    “You just have to keep on keeping on.” And so I will.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Keep On Keeping On (A Ferroseed Autobiography) (READY FOR GRADING)


    Introduction ~ Not the best I’ve seen. Introductions should be eye popping and draw the reader into the story. Yours didn’t do that. You did fine by telling the reader about the main character and you give some information about him, but the information has no bearing on the story and just seems to take up space.

    I think you could have created a better first impression on the reader by starting out in the future when something happened, then going to the past to explain what happened. The format you did was just too bland.

    Plot ~ The idea is very original and creative. I like how you completely switched the roles of humans and Pokemon, the Humanity game was especially entertaining in idea. That being said, the plot was just bland and uninteresting. You tell the story of the Ferroseed, but the question I have is why? The story should have a climax or a moment that the preceding text builds on, and your story didn’t have anything of the sort. I found myself waiting for something interesting to happen but nothing ever did. When I finally read the part about getting hit by the car I thought something exciting would come up, but nothing ever did. The idea and execution were solid, but the information (the story) just didn’t make the cut. I think you could have added something that the history ties into at the end, such as telling his grand kids how he was raised or something.

    Something else that took away from the story was when you jumped from grade to grade the general idea stayed the same very time. Hang out with friends, lose old ones, discover new ones etc. For a hard mon you’ll need more than this. If you are going to do something like these for future stories you might consider having something significant happen in the Ferroseed’s life that is milestone or shapes what kind of Pokemon it will grow up to be.

    I also spotted a few holes that need to be explained or flushed out.

    First, what caused the adopted parents to get divorced in the first place? How did his older brother pass away? Was there a reason for him getting hit by the car other than random coincidence? If you include something in the story there has to be a reason behind it and it needs to be explained. When going over your work ask yourself if this part really needs to be there and why is there in the first place.

    One last thing, you need to mention what Pokeyears are. By using them in the sentence the way you did makes it seems like there is another way to measure the lifespan. So, you’ll have to explain if you’re comparing it to humans or another species or whatever.

    Character ~ Since this is an autobiography you completely focused in on the Ferroseed and that is fine. I like how the personality of the Ferroseed evolved as the Pokemon matured, which is good because the personality of the Pokemon would not remain the exact change all the way from infant stage to adolescence. Overall, you did a good job in this department.

    Grammar: You did a really good here also. I only spotted one mistake and it was in the opening paragraph; you need a comma after ‘town’. Other than that I didn’t spot anything and I was looking for them.

    Detail: Because of the format you didn’t have very much room for detail in terms of the typical stuff, so you have to focus on senses, environment, and Pokemon. You described the emotions pretty solidly and you even included some of the other senses. However, you were lacking in the Pokemon department heavily. Even if you are using Pokemon in the place of humans you still have to describe the characters you are interacting with.

    For example,
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    It was here that I met my first best friend, his name being Pichu
    ~ You have to describe the Pichu, and the others that you run across even if it is a sentence.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    It was here that I met my first best friend, Pichu. Although we are similar in ago or appearance and species are vastly different. Where I was a Grass and Steel type Pokemon, Pichu was an Electric type. The red pouches on his cheeks always stood out against his yellow skin and complimented the smile that was always present. His small beady eyes always held a twinkle that could light up the day of anybody.
    I added a ton of description about the Pokemon in there to illustrate what I mean. You don’t need to put that much information or in that manner, you just need something to remind the reader what he or she is reading about.

    Something I felt you could also expanded on was the senses during the car incidence. You didn't have much opportunity to include all the senses, but this one spot could have been a treasure trove for you to expand on. You could have described the terror he felt, the metallic smell of the blood and automobile, the sound of the engine. There was just so much that could have happened that I was slightly disappointed.

    Length: You were over the mark.

    Battle: Who needs one?

    Overall: Not captured. This was real borderline for me. The reason you failed boils down to the plot. It wasn’t strong or good enough for a hard mon, if you were aiming for a medium mon I would have gave it to you. In order to get the mon you need to include some basic description for all the important mon and include something that the story moves toward.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 23rd June 2011 at 08:08 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis


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