The way you began this story was quite relaxing and adorable. Take that in whichever way you want. It was a good start to your story and made it easily relatable. The fact that you said how trainer legends came from Pallet made me interested into who was in the town and what they were going to become. So hopefully in your further chapters this will be explained, and who knows, maybe I’ll read those too.
So you’ve accomplished what you want to here: hooking the reader into your story. If you can’t gett’em going in the first bit of your story then there is a low chance the reader is going to want to continue reading it, and if they do it’s less than likely that they will enjoy their stay.
For the flocking bird your plot was fine. Two trainers go into battle. Loads of Pokémon come flying at them. Boy battles them. Capture attempt. While this plot is overdone to the point it’s hard to read, the way in which you presented the story made it more bearable. Maybe it could be part of a children’s book?
As you know, this type of plot wouldn’t be acceptable for anything more than an easy-going Pokémon. However, it’s a good way to introduce your story and get it on its feet. I’m going to assume that is what you were aiming to do with this chapter of the many to come- just get it all started and going, with more complex and interesting things to come to us in the future.
Eh. You did fine here. I’ll point out the fix mistakes/typos I did happen to find.
Mortified though she was
, the girl felt oddly compelled to approach the boy.
I found the bold part very confusing and unnecessary, it also has a weird flow to it. Would be better to put “Though she was” before “mortified” and rid of the comma. Or just erase “though she was” all together.
Then in the second to last line “tick” should be plural. HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT? Gosh, terrible.
I kid. Good work.
This was good in some spots, then in other it was lacking. For example, you did a wonderful job in giving off what the characters looked like and what kind of personality each had. But then when it would come to where the characters were it would just be a blank canvas.
Other than the lab being extremely warm how did it look? Papers scattered everywhere? Nice and clean, desks organized to the last pen? You get the point. Don’t forget this in the future, it can make or break story if we don’t know where in heck’s name the people are … unless the story is based in a giant world of nothingness. In that case go ahead and tell me nothing at all.
"What is that?" Blair screamed.
For some reason this made me picture a little boy screaming like a little girl. Oh lawdy…
This was nice, I really have nothing to say about it. It was the right length, you didn’t leave out what the attacks looked like.
Hell you even told me how the Pokemon felt during the battle, not too many people do that. I could feel their emotions coming out of the computer… well not really, but it was a nice addition to the battle, made it that much more exciting.
Obviously this story was enough for the little bird. Spearow captured!
I would have given you more advice but I feel like you know exactly what you’re doing. :P