Kanto Adventures (Chapter II: VS Poliwag and Poliwag)

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  1. #1
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Kanto Adventures (Chapter II: VS Poliwag and Poliwag)

    Good stuff here, read it. I tried to make this similar to the Pokemon Adventures manga, so if you're into that, I have a feeling you'll like this.

    This takes place in Kanto, and will mostly feature Kanto Pokemon. If I actually do end up finishing the whole Kanto storyline (which is ideal, but not 100% possible), then I will move on to Johto, then Hoenn, then etc., though it will be done in seperate threads titled "Johto/Hoenn/etc Adventures". I will make sure the seperate characters in each arc will eventually meet the others (possibly in redo chapters where the characters revisit a region and do new stuff there, such as battle a villainous group or hunt down a legendary Pokemon or something) and build relationships with them.

    Also, if the number of chapters starts to get really high, this post could come in handy. I will list information about the plot and characters and stuff like that, and I will also give a brief summary or some sort of brief introduction to the characters every other chapter or so. Of course, it is probably a more enjoyable and complete experience to read the whole story, 49 chapters and all.

    Key Characters

    Reuben - The male protagonist of the story. Hot-headed boy with the confidence and desire it takes to be a future Pokemon legend. Currently, however, he is still learning the ropes. Known Pokemon: Charmander, Spearow

    Blair - The female protagonist of the story. Normally a serene and peaceful person. She has a crush on Reuben and is also new to the Pokemon world. Known Pokemon: Squirtle

    Gregory - A friendly man who appeared when Reuben and Blair were attacked by a flock of Spearow. Gregory befriended Reuben and Blair after the ordeal with the Spearow, and decided to join them on their Pokemon journey. He has traveled all over the Pokemon world and has accomplished many things. He is a former Pokemon Champion and has captured over 600 Pokemon. Known Pokemon: Venusaur

    Chapters

    Chapter I: VS Spearow
    Chapter II: VS Poliwag and Poliwag
    Last edited by Nitro; 26th May 2011 at 10:04 PM.

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  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kanto Adventures (Chapter I)

    Ready for Grading.

    Writing For: Spearow
    Characters Needed: 5K-10K
    Characters Have: 7,519

    Chapter I: VS Spearow


    Breezy, easy Pallet Town. A soothingly small town, though it has produced many of the best Pokemon trainers of all-time. One of the reasons for that was because the great Professor Oak lived here and worked here. His Pokemon Lab was located at the southern-most point in the city. The large building did not look like anything special, but it was constantly visited by past greats, current greats, and future greats.

    The door of the lab flung open.

    "Bye Professor, thanks for the PokeDex and the Charmander!"

    Reuben stepped out of the Pokemon Lab. Immediately, the cool air rushed into his face. He closed his eyes and savoured the feeling. After the boiling temperature in the lab (which, for some reason, Professor Oak preferred), the colder temperature was refreshing.

    Not too far away, a brunette was staring at Reuben. However, she did not know Reuben, and she only saw the young fourteen year old as a weird, raven-haired boy dressed in black jeans and a red T-shirt standing in front of the large Pokemon Lab with his eyes closed.

    Then, she realized she had just checked him out. Though she was mortified, the girl felt oddly compelled to approach the boy.

    "Hello there?" she shouted.

    Reuben turned to the stranger. She had long brown hair, and seemed to be about his age. Her large green eyes were staring at him, with some sort of emotion that Reuben couldn't identify hidden in them. She dressed sharply, with a leather jacket and tight-fitting jeans.

    "Who are you?" Reuben replied, walking towards the girl.

    "My name is Blair," said the girl, flushing a bit. "And yours?"

    "Reuben," he answered with pride.

    Blair glanced at Reuben's hands. He held a PokeDex in his left hand and a Pokeball in his right. She remembered he just walked out of the Pokemon Lab, and put two and two together.

    "Are you a new Pokemon Trainer?" Blair asked.

    A bit taken aback by the seemingly random question, Reuben muttered, "Yeah... But believe me, I'll be a legend one day!"

    Blair laughed. It sounded a lot like a soothing bell to Reuben.

    "I'm also a newbie," admitted Blair. "I just got my Pokemon and my PokeDex yesterday."

    "How about we have a Pokemon battle, then?" asked Reuben. "The way I see it, both of us can use the experience."

    A few moments later, Reuben and Blair both had their Pokeballs ready in an open field on Route 1. They were ready for battle.

    "Charmander, I choose you!" Reuben threw his Pokeball, and a bright orange lizard came out. There was a fire burning at the end of its tail, and it had a fierce look in its teal eyes. However, Blair thought the Pokemon was cute.

    "Awww!" she marveled.

    "Hurry up!" Reuben complained.

    Blair smiled serenly, and threw her Pokeball. First, a brown turtle shell appeared. Then, the limbs, tail and head of a light blue turtle popped out of the shell.

    "Squirtle!" the Pokemon yelled excitedly.

    Though neither trainer had much experience, they locked eyes. They understood how to battle, and were ready to start off their Pokemon careers with a win.

    Just then, both trainers heard the sound of wings beating the air. At first, it was hardly audible. However, it grew pretty fast into a loud storm of sound.

    "What is that?" Blair screamed.

    Reuben didn't know, and was about to say so when his answer flew across the open sky. However, he couldn't tell Blair as he was left speechless. Then again, so was Blair.

    A massive flock of Spearow were flying straight towards them with pure hatred in their eyes.

    Both trainers were scared out of their minds. They had no real experience in the Pokemon world, and they were certainly unprepared for this. As the Spearow bore down on them, Reuben, Blair, and their Pokemon could only stare in horror.

    "Venusaur, Vine Whip!"

    Multiple dark-green vines came from behind Reuben and Blair and started to swat away the Spearow. One by one, the Spearow fled with bruises caused by the vines.

    Reuben and Blair turned. A tall and confident man in his twenties was standing beside his Venusaur. His long black hair was wrapped into a ponytail, and he wore a simple green sweater and common pants. Beside him was a large green Pokemon standing on four feet. Its large red eyes seemed lethargic, but the many vines protruding from the large flower on its back were the same vines ferociously swatting away the Spearow.

    "Hello there!" the man said, calmly approaching the two while his Venusaur continued to knock down Spearow. "My name is Gregory. Are you two new trainers?"

    Both Reuben and Blair nodded.

    "Thanks so much for your help," Blair said breathlessly. "We were so scared..."

    "Maybe you were, but I wasn't!" retorted Reuben in defense. "I was just waiting for them to get closer so it would be more fun."

    Though Gregory saw straight through Reuben's lie, he saw no need to destroy the boy's confidence. Instead, he felt the boy's confidence should be raised further. Gregory knew how valuable confidence was in a Pokemon journey. He signalled to Venusaur, and the Pokemon understood what its trainer meant.

    "Hey, young man, look up," Gregory said as he turned back to Reuben. Reuben stopped arguing with Blair, and did as he was told.

    Venusaur had gotten rid of all the Spearow except one. It had the Pokemon wrapped in a vine, and the bird could not move.

    "How would you like to try and capture this Spearow? It seems to have the urge to fight you in particular." Gregory asked Reuben, handing him a Pokeball.

    Reuben accepted the gift with a quick thanks, and faced the Spearow. Indeed, it was staring at him angrily. Reuben was nervous, but he knew he couldn't show it with other people looking.

    Venusaur released the bird Pokemon, and Spearow flew down to Reuben. Charmander stepped to Reuben's side, and waited for its first command.

    "Charmander, use Ember!" Reuben declared.

    The fire-type Pokemon leapt into action. It opened its jaw and small fireballs flew out from its mouth.

    Spearow easily dodged the attack. The brown bird had an aggressive look in its eyes, and taunted Charmander as it flew up and down. Its sharp beak snapped shut, and Spearow lunged forward, trying to jab Charmander with its beak.

    "Dodge it, Charmander!" yelled Reuben.

    Charmander tried to sidestep Spearow's attack, but Spearow was too fast. Charmander was struck by the Peck, and stumbled backwards with a large bruise on its shoulder.

    "Char, char!" it yelled in pain.

    "Are you okay?" Blair hollered in concern.

    Charmander nodded at Blair, and Reuben saw the anger in its eyes as it did so. He remembered what Professor Oak had said at the lab about this Charmander being an especially fierce competitor in battle, and more specifically, the move this Charmander was most adept at using.

    "Charmander, hit that Spearow with Rage!" Reuben commanded.

    Charmander's anger leapt to the front of its mind as it heard the word "Rage", and it fiercly jumped onto the Spearow. The bird Pokemon tried to fly away, but Charmander had a firm grip on it. Charmander clawed at Spearow, bit Spearow, and did everything it possibly could to hurt Spearow.

    Charmander continued to beat on Spearow, and Gregory yelled, "Throw the Pokeball now!"

    Reuben threw the empty Pokeball he had received from Gregory at the wild Spearow. Charmander stepped off as Spearow as it was enveloped by the red-and-white capsule.

    One tick. Reuben started to sweat.

    Two ticks. Is it supposed to take this long?

    Three ticks and...
    Last edited by Nitro; 8th May 2011 at 02:40 PM.

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  3. #3
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kanto Adventures (Chapter I: VS Spearow) (Ready for Grading)

    Introduction:
    The way you began this story was quite relaxing and adorable. Take that in whichever way you want. It was a good start to your story and made it easily relatable. The fact that you said how trainer legends came from Pallet made me interested into who was in the town and what they were going to become. So hopefully in your further chapters this will be explained, and who knows, maybe I’ll read those too.

    So you’ve accomplished what you want to here: hooking the reader into your story. If you can’t gett’em going in the first bit of your story then there is a low chance the reader is going to want to continue reading it, and if they do it’s less than likely that they will enjoy their stay.

    Plot:
    For the flocking bird your plot was fine. Two trainers go into battle. Loads of Pokémon come flying at them. Boy battles them. Capture attempt. While this plot is overdone to the point it’s hard to read, the way in which you presented the story made it more bearable. Maybe it could be part of a children’s book?

    As you know, this type of plot wouldn’t be acceptable for anything more than an easy-going Pokémon. However, it’s a good way to introduce your story and get it on its feet. I’m going to assume that is what you were aiming to do with this chapter of the many to come- just get it all started and going, with more complex and interesting things to come to us in the future.

    Grammar/Spelling:
    Eh. You did fine here. I’ll point out the fix mistakes/typos I did happen to find.

    Mortified though she was, the girl felt oddly compelled to approach the boy.
    I found the bold part very confusing and unnecessary, it also has a weird flow to it. Would be better to put “Though she was” before “mortified” and rid of the comma. Or just erase “though she was” all together.

    Then in the second to last line “tick” should be plural. HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT? Gosh, terrible.

    I kid. Good work.

    Length:
    Cool.

    Detail/Description:
    This was good in some spots, then in other it was lacking. For example, you did a wonderful job in giving off what the characters looked like and what kind of personality each had. But then when it would come to where the characters were it would just be a blank canvas.

    Other than the lab being extremely warm how did it look? Papers scattered everywhere? Nice and clean, desks organized to the last pen? You get the point. Don’t forget this in the future, it can make or break story if we don’t know where in heck’s name the people are … unless the story is based in a giant world of nothingness. In that case go ahead and tell me nothing at all.

    "What is that?" Blair screamed.
    For some reason this made me picture a little boy screaming like a little girl. Oh lawdy…

    Battle:
    This was nice, I really have nothing to say about it. It was the right length, you didn’t leave out what the attacks looked like.

    Hell you even told me how the Pokemon felt during the battle, not too many people do that. I could feel their emotions coming out of the computer… well not really, but it was a nice addition to the battle, made it that much more exciting.

    Yeah!


    Outcome:
    Obviously this story was enough for the little bird. Spearow captured!

    I would have given you more advice but I feel like you know exactly what you’re doing. :P

  4. #4
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kanto Adventures (Chapter I: VS Spearow) (Ready for Grading)

    Thanks, Jr! And I believe it's two tick... :/

    Writing For: Poliwag and Poliwag
    Required Characters: 6K-10K
    Characters: 14962

    Chapter II: VS Poliwag and Poliwag


    There was one more tick, and then the Pokeball stopped moving.

    "Congratulations," Gregory said, a smile growing on his face as he watched the ecstatic boy pick up the Pokeball.

    "Good job! Aww, I'm so proud of you! I wish I could have had a chance to catch a Pokemon as well... Still, I'm soooo happy for you right now!" gushed Blair as she ran over to Reuben.

    Reuben heard Blair's soothing voice, saw her long brown hair waving in the wind as she ran towards him, and smelled her overpowering lavender perfume.

    However, his brain did not register any of it. Reuben was still staring at the Pokeball in his palm.

    "My first capture..." murmured Reuben. He realized something, and turned to Gregory. The man was still standing there alongside his Venusaur with a small smile on his face. "Thanks a lot, Mr. Gregory! I couldn't have captured this Spearow without you!"

    "I merely presented you with the opportunity. You were the one who weakened the Spearow enough to capture it," smiled Gregory. "And please, just Gregory will do."

    "My name's Blair," Blair replied, "And this is Reuben." She pointed at Reuben, who nodded at Gregory.

    "Nice to meet the pair of you. Now, it's getting late. I was planning on camping in this clearing not too far from here, and I have some extra tents packed as well. Would you two like to camp with me?" asked Gregory.

    After the ordeal with the flock of Spearow, both Reuben and Blair trusted Gregory. And so, a few hours later, everything was set up. Three dark green tents were put up around the perimeter of a small clearing, and a nice warm fire kept the three heroes of this story warm as they sat in front of it.

    The sun had set hours ago, and it was almost midnight now. The stars dotted the black sky, and the moon was looking down at the world from the sky. The sounds of nocturnal Pokemon slipped in between the tall evergreens surrounding the campsite, and the entire forest was in its most peaceful state.

    However, neither Reuben nor Blair nor Gregory were tired. Reuben and Blair were both feeling excited following the drama of their first day as Pokemon trainers, and Gregory was simply used to staying up this late.

    "Are you two cold or anything?" asked Gregory as he ate a bowl of rice.

    Both Reuben and Blair shook their hands, and the three of them enjoyed a brief silence. Then, Blair spoke up.

    "So, Gregory, tell us about yourself," Blair said, before quickly adding, "If you're comfortable with that, that is."

    Gregory finished his food (both Reuben and Blair had finished quite a while ago), and laid his plastic bowl on the dirt.

    "I was born and raised in Viridian City, which is on the opposite end of this route. When I was around your age, I begun my Pokemon journey with my Bulbasaur at my side. Of course, he has since grown into a full-fledged Venusaur..."

    "I journeyed throughout all of Kanto, collecting Gym Badges and Pokemon. I eventually defeated the Elite Four and became the Champion. It was one of the happiest times in my life, and I've since visited all sorts of places."

    Gregory smiled at the astonished faces of the children, and got up.

    "No, no, don't go!" yelled Reuben and Blair. "Which places did you visit? How many Pokemon do you have? What's it like to be Champion?"

    Gregory smiled even more at this.

    "I've visited Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, the Sevii Islands, Orre, Fiore, Almia and Oblivia," Gregory recited effortlessly, "And I have captured over 600 Pokemon, though I have donated each and every single one of them to various Professors that I know. And being Champion... I cannot describe it with words. It's truly amazing. Now, good night."

    And with that, Gregory headed back to his tent.

    Both Reuben and Blair were amazed. Astonished, but amazed. This man had done so many great things, and he seemed relatively young as well. Who knows what other secrets he held?

    The next morning, Reuben awoke to the sound of hissing. It was not sinister hissing, it was more like... the hissing of a frying pan.

    Opening his eyes, Reuben tore off his sleeping bag and changed into a red sweater and sweatpants. When he was ready, the youth entered the world outside.

    At first, the sunlight was overwhelming. The sun shone brightly in the sky, and Reuben could not see a thing.

    When his vision returned to normal, he realized the clearing was a lot bigger than it had seemed when it was night. Trees grew thickly around the clearing, and a narrow path led back to the actual route.

    "Good morning, sleepy! Come over here, breakfast is ready!" called Gregory.

    Gregory had changed into a pair of jeans and a pale green vest over an orange T-shirt. He was holding a frying pan over a fire, and Reuben quickly spotted the bacon in the frying pan. Rushing over, Reuben grabbed a plate from Gregory's open backpack on the ground and put some bacon on his plate.

    "Hey, guys." Blair's voice sounded as she exited her tent. Unlike Gregory and Reuben, she didn't look drowsy, and rather looked cleaned up and tidy. Her long hair was brushed so that it fell neatly down just past her shoulders. Like both Reuben and Gregory, she too had changed into a fresh set of clothes. Blair now wore a light blue jacket and a pair of black leggings.

    Both Blair and Gregory joined Reuben with bacon on their plates quickly. As they ate, Gregory released his Venusaur from his Pokeball.

    "It's a great day out. Perhaps you two should let your Pokemon enjoy the nice weather as well?" asked Gregory.

    Blair's Squirtle joined Venusaur quickly while Reuben had to fiddle with his two Pokeballs to get both Spearow and Charmander out. Soon enough, the small brown bird and the cute orange lizard joined the other Pokemon as they played around the campsite.

    "So, I take it you two are continuing to Viridian City?" asked Gregory.

    "I need to pack supplies and money and the like," Reuben shook his head reluctantly. Blair nodded in agreement sadly.

    Gregory laughed. "Oh, I think we can work around that. Look, I'm very interested in joining you on your journey. You two are both interesting individuals, and I think joining you on your journey could be a very enjoyable experience for everyone involved. Also, allowing me to accompany you allows us to continue immediately. As an experienced trainer, I can easily handle the supplies."

    Both Reuben and Blair were ecstatic at this news. They had become rather fond of Gregory (and the opposite is true as well), and soon the trio had made their way into Viridian City.

    The place was green. Simply overwhelmingly green. The buildings were all various shades of green, and there were trees and plants everywhere you looked. As Reuben, Blair and Gregory walked through the city gates (which were quite literally a set of steel gates), they marvelled at their overwhelmingly green surroundings.

    "The Eternally Green Paradise," Gregory said, "I think it's become more green since the last time I've been here."

    They walked past a glittering pool, and Gregory added, "The blue isn't half bad, either."

    Looking at Reuben and Blair, he asked, "Now, there's a Pokemon Gym in this city. Are you two interested in trying to procure the Gym Badge?"

    Reuben nodded emphatically. Blair, on the other hand, shook her head.

    "I'm only interested in exploring Kanto and making more Pokemon friends," Blair explained, "But I'll come along with you guys to the Gym and root for Reuben!"

    However, when they arrived at the Viridian Gym (much greener and larger than the other buildings in the vicinity), they found the large double doors to be locked shut. There was a note taped to the brass handle, and Reuben read aloud:

    "Gym Leader Giovanni, the Gym Leader of the Viridian Gym, has temporarily left his post as Gym Leader to deal with personal matters. Gym challengers must wait until his return, the date of which is not known at this time. Sorry for the inconvenience."

    Below were a list of signatures from the Pokemon League Comissioner, the Gym Leader, and some other important people.

    Reuben was crushed.

    "What? Why?" Reuben complained, kicking the brass doors in frustration.

    "Calm down, Reuben. Perhaps this is a good thing. The Viridian Gym Leader was the most difficult Gym Leader for me to beat, and battling him later may allow you to develop some more experience. I suggest you defeat the other Gym Leaders first, then collect your last badge here," suggested Gregory, "It works out, as this city also branches off towards Victory Road and the Indigo Plateau."

    Reuben wasn't happy about it, but he nodded reluctantly. There was no other option, after all.

    "Meanwhile, there is something else we can accomplish in this city before we move on. I know you've been wanting to capture your first Pokemon, Blair. You remember that glittering pond by the city gates? Many Water Pokemon live in that pond. We can go there, and you can catch your first Pokemon there," said Gregory.

    Blair liked this idea a lot, and so they returned to the pond they had spotted when they walked through the city gates.

    By the time they arrived at the sparkling pond, the sun was already beginning to set. The sunlight was filtering through the trees behind the pond, and it cast an orange glow on the water. The grassy ground was still a violent Viridian City green, but now it was tinged with orange as well. As Reuben, Blair, and Gregory walked toward the water, Gregory remembered something.

    "Right, you can use this to find Pokemon..." Gregory quickly removed his dark blue backpack, rummaged through it, and took out an old-looking fishing rod. He handed it to Blair, who grabbed it nervously with two hands.

    "I don't know how to fish," whispered Blair, a bit embarassed.

    Though she didn't know how to fish, Blair learned very quickly. With Gregory's instructions, Blair was (nervously) holding Gregory's fishing rod in the water in no time. She waited for Pokemon to bite anxiously.

    "How long is this supposed to taaaaaaaaaaa!!!" Blair's question turned into a scream as she suddenly straightened up, pulling on the fishing rod.

    "Keep pulling on it!" Gregory urged, sitting on the grass with Reuben a few feet away.

    Blair tugged on it, screaming and flailing as she tried to pull whatever was biting the fishing rod out of the water.

    Blair's Squirtle suddenly leapt out of his owner's Pokeball, determined to help his trainer with her struggle. The light blue turtle grabbed the fishing rod with its two hands and pulled alongside its trainer. They yanked hard on the tool, and managed to pull the Pokemon out of the water.

    The fishing rod flew backwards towards Gregory and Reuben, and both of them quickly got up and avoided the flying fishing rod. When they looked back towards the pond, they saw that Blair and her Squirtle were facing a Poliwag... No wait, there were two of them!

    The two blue Water Pokemon stood on their small feet. They were spherical in size, and a long, transparent tail sprouted from their rear end. Large eyes and a small, pink mouth made up their faces, but their most distinguishing feature was on their abdomen. Both of the Poliwag had a black spiral pattern twisting counter-clockwise on their white bellies.

    "Oh my gosh, they're so cute!" squealed Blair.

    The high-pitched squealing seemed to annoy the Poliwag, and both of them entered combative stances.

    All of a sudden, a small, brown bird joined the fray. Blair recognized it as Reuben's new Spearow. She looked to her left, and saw Reuben running towards her, holding two Pokeballs in his hand.

    "Here, Gregory gave me these. He said we should each capture a Poliwag," said Reuben, handing a Pokeball to Blair.

    Blair nodded, and the two young trainers faced the two Poliwag with their Pokemon. A waterfront Double Battle it was.

    "Reuben, Blair!" called Gregory, "It helps if you nickname the two Poliwag with different names beforehand so your Pokemon can listen to your order knowing which Poliwag you want it to target!"

    Reuben nodded; it made a lot of sense. "I think I'll the name the Poliwag on the left... Wrain."

    "Toby will be the name of my Poliwag!" said Blair.

    The two Poliwag didn't really understand this, nor did they care for it. Instead, they took advantage of the trainers' distraction and unleashed a Bubble attack. They blew a stream of transparent bubbles towards Spearow and Squirtle, which burst painfully on them at impact.

    "Spearow!" "Squirtle!" The Pokemon cried in pain when they were hit by the attack.

    "Squirtle, are you okay? Counter with a Water Gun attack on Toby!" ordered Blair.

    "Hit Wrain with a Peck!" commanded Reuben.

    Squirtle launched a stream of water from his mouth at the Poliwag on the right. The Poliwag stumbled backwards as the move hit in right in the face. Meanwhile, Spearow quickly dove towards the other Poliwag. His beak hit Poliwag right in the face, and he stumbled backwards as well.

    However, both Poliwag shook off the attacks. They were clearly even more annoyed, and they jumped towards Spearow and Squirtle simultaneously. Their long, thin tails slapped the faces of Reuben and Blair's Pokemon numerous times before the Poliwag landed gracefully on their feet.

    "Why you little... Spearow, go get them both with a Fury Attack!" yelled Reuben, his face turning red.

    Blair nodded at Squirtle, saying, "Use Bubble to hit both of the Poliwag!"

    Squirtle launched a stream of bubbles from his mouth just like what the Poliwag did earlier. When the bubbles hit the Poliwag, they grimaced in pain. After the onslaught of bubbles, the Poliwag were assaulted by Spearow's beak numerous times as he flew above them pecking at their heads.

    Eventually, the two had enough. They started to struggle towards the water.

    "No, don't let them get away, Squirtle! Use Water Gun to knock them over!" commanded Blair.

    However, the Poliwag spotted the jet of water coming. They used Water Sport, causing the pond water to leap out of the pond and fly all over the place in large drops. Squirtle's Water Gun hit the rest of the water drops, growing weaker and weaker as the drops absorbed more and more of the attack's water. By the time Squirtle's Water Gun hit the Poliwag, it ended up refreshing them instead of hurting them.

    "I've got something else that might work! Spearow, use Pursuit!" instructed Reuben.

    Just as the Poliwag were close enough to dive into the water, Reuben's Spearow dove towards the Poliwag. Instead of retreating into the water, they ended up falling flat on their faces after Spearow struck them in the back.

    "Impressive, Reuben... You're a very good battler!" praised Blair.

    Reuben smiled, and threw his Pokeball at the Poliwag. Blair followed suit, hoping for her first capture.

    The two Poliwag transformed into red light, and the Pokeballs sucked them up. The red-and-white capsules shook...

    I GOT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT, FUCK A BANK ACCOUNT - SOULJA BOY

    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
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    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

  5. #5
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kanto Adventures (Chapter II: VS Poliwag and Poliwag) (Ready for Grading)

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Your intro basically continued straight from the first chapter, so it wasn’t overly exciting, but since it’s a multi-part story, that’s alright. Still, though, as you aim for more complex Pokemon, you should try to give each chapter a good, sturdy beginning to set up the mood and theme of the chapter. While your story has a simple plotline so far, that doesn’t mean you can’t give the whole thing a unique feel. It just takes a couple twists on the normal trainer journey formula…. But yeah.

    Like I said, your plot is simple, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. With all the crazy, artsy fics out there, it is nice to go back to basics sometimes and remember our roots as Pokemon fans: a little kid gets a Pokemon, hits the road, and has adventures. You do this quite nicely, following the original plot of the games closely, with just a few different characters. Still, if you try to capture harder Pokemon, you’re going to have to add something to the plot. This doesn’t necessarily mean making a huge deviation from the plot of the games, but could be something like giving your characters more emotional depth. Maybe have some tension between Blair and Reuben. Or maybe Gregory is jealous of the kids’ innocence. You could have the normal plot of R/B/Y and twist it around by having the characters have very unique personality. You could also go the route of giving each Pokemon its own little quirks, which is an easy way of adding some life to your story.

    Overall, you do fine with the characters for a simple story. They’re not overly complex at this point, but at this stage in the story that’s fine. Reuben and Blair are little kids, so they wouldn’t be super emotional at this point anyways. You might want to do a coming-of-age type thing with them later on, though. Also, Gregory is old enough to have a past. Work with that. It doesn’t have to be a TRAGIC past, but there could still be events that set off a domino reaction and made him who he is today. Explore that. It’ll make your story better for it.

    Details: You do fine describing the human characters, Pokemon, landscape, etc, atc. At least sight wise. You could’ve done more with the other senses. For example, what is the climate like in Kanto? We know it’s mostly a large grassland, but that could make it a variety of things. Is it hot outside, cold outside, windy? Are there any smells in the air that stand out? Any unique plants?

    Also, how do the characters feel? I talked about emotional depth above, but this isn’t necessarily DEEP. You do a little bit of ‘Oh, Reuben is excited’, but he’s only a few days into his journey. Isn’t he nervous as well? Especially if he’s travelling with the Champion. Just a few things to think about.

    Grammar: Your grammar was mostly good. There were just a couple things I mentioned below.

    He realized something, and turned to Gregory.
    You don’t really need that comma there.

    "I merely presented you with the opportunity. You were the one who weakened the Spearow enough to capture it," smiled Gregory.
    Right. So. Dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are the little sentence fragments that come after dialogue. You know like, ‘she said’, ‘he yelled’, ‘it whispered,’ etc. They’re basically used to express the way something was said. One common mistake is using words like ‘laughed’ or ‘smiled’ as dialogue tags. These can’t be used as dialogue tags, because you can’t laugh or smile words.

    I begun my Pokemon journey
    That should be ‘began’.

    Other: Okay. This is nitpicky, but I see this all the time and it kind of annoys me.

    I was planning on camping in this clearing not too far from here, and I have some extra tents packed as well
    Most Pokemon trainers carry all their stuff in backpacks. On their backs. While they’re hiking across all kinds of terrain day after day. Even very lightweight tents usually weigh about three or four pounds apiece. Carrying around two or three is somewhere between six to twelve pounds. That’s in addition to food, first aid supplies, battling supplies, and God knows what else. In the end, one person would end up carrying about thirty pounds of supplies just by themselves. If you’ve ever gone backpacking, that’s a lot. No one would ever carry around extra tents just in case. They would end up with a hernia or a slipped disc… But yeah, that was my rant on that. X_X

    Outcome: Despite my rants on emotional depth and backpack weights, I deem this story good enough for two simple Pokemon. Poliwag…. captured.

    Have fun with your Pokemon!
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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