Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

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    Kyu in a Fedora Agent K's Avatar
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    Default Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

    Before any grader rants on the misspelled title, I meant to spell it that way. Most stories about animals replace 'tale' with 'tail' if the former is in the title.
    I'm trying to get a Vulpix, not a Charizard. The Charizard is there to add excitement.
    To clarify, this is told from Kali the Vulpix's point of view, not Alisha's.

    Story begins now!
    Hiya, I'm Kali the Vulpix. I'm a bubbly, fun-loving and funny Vulpix. I like telling jokes and playing tricks. One could say I'm quite mischevious. Also, I'm kind and caring. I like to make friends and have a laugh. My nature is naughty.

    I look like a normal Vulpix, but I have five tails instead of six. However, as the Pokedex states, a Vulpix is born with one tail. The tail splits as they get older and more mature. That means I'm perfectly normal with five tails. But other fire types treat me as an outcast. The ones that bully me the most are a Magby called Erupt and a Growlithe called Barker. They tease me because I'm not normal. The most commmon insults are 'Vulpive' and 'Five Tail'. The Fire Types that tease me don't know about Vulpix's Pokedex entry, and that's why they tease me. Despite that, my brothers never get teased, even though they have five tails like me. The teasers always pick on me. They think I'm weak because I'm a girl. But I'm strong. I can fight back, but I can never find the courage to.

    By the way, I live in the Fiery Highlands. They're big fields inhabited by Fire Type Pokemon. Each evolution line gets a field to itself! All of us Vulpix in the Tail Field, a field for the Vulpixes and Ninetaleses, treat each other like brothers and sisters. The grass is scorched red grass, and the trees are all broken, from Pokemon training themselves. Almost no humans know of the Fiery Highlands, apart from one, Alisha Townend.

    Alisha has brown skin. She's treated like an outcast because of that, treated like me. But it's something natural that can't be helped. Alisha has blue eyes and a dazzling smile. Standing at 4 foot six, she is the height of an average eleven-year old girl. She wear the same things almost all the time: a blue t-shirt, a black cardigan, black leggings, a pink knee-skirt, black socks and black buckled boots. Alisha's personality is a lot like mine; kind, caring, and liking a laugh every now and then. Also, me and Alisha are both lonely outcasts.

    I'll tell you how we met. She stumbled upon the Fiery Highlands one day while searching for Pokemon. While most trainers would let them weaken me and then go for the catch, Alisha noticed me being teased. That was back when I only had three tails. She fought Erupt and Barker off with Anchor, her Shellos. Anchor was her starter Pokemon, and that showed in the way they were battling. They battled as one; as a team; as friends. She helped me, and I gained trust in her. We've been friends ever since, and she regulary comes to the highlands to check on me.

    So, back to the present. Today, Alisha comes over to check on me. She does that every day. I'm like her best friend! She finds me being teased by Barker and Erupt, who are out of their own fields to tease me yet again. She holds up Anchor, her Shellos', Pokeball, but that doesn't scare them off. She puts Anchor's Pokeball back on her belt, and shouts at the stripy Growlithe and the red Magby.
    "Thanks Alisha!" I try to say, but all that comes out is a 'Vulpix vul!'.
    "You're welcome if that's a thank you!" she replies, giggling. Just then, a Charizard swoops down from the sky and grasps Anchor's Pokeball! Its claws closed around the red and white sphere.
    "Thanks a lot, Blast! Te he he he!" Erupt and Barker evillily huckle as the Charizard flies off into the distance. Then, Erupt and Barker start teasing me once again, with smirks on their faces.
    "Don't make me have to use my Suicune on you!" she shouts at the pokemon teasing me, holding up a Ultra Ball. She has a serious smirk on her face. Erupt and Barker run far far away, back to their own fields, in fear of her legendary Suicune. She returns the Ultra Ball to her bag, saying "I don't really have a Suicune, I was just threatening those losers teasing you. You know why they bully you? Because they are jealous of you. You are unique, they aren't. They bully you to appear more important than you, when rally, you're more important then them. So, what do you say to getting Anchor's Pokeball back? Anchor was my starter Pokemon, and I'm really attached to him. I can't bear the thought of not having him. Please will you help me rescue Anchor?"
    I reply with a silent nod.

    She throws the Pokeball of Eyrie, her Staravia, into the sky. The red and white sphere opened in mid air, releasing red energy that transformed into a Staravia.
    “Staaaaaar-avia!” it cried, letting its beak open as wide as it could in midair.
    "Eyrie, I need a flight. For me and Kali, this Vulpix here," Alisha said to her Staravia, which flew higher, letting Alisha grab its talons.
    "Come on Kali, grab my leg and I'll let you help me find my Pokeball." Alisha kindly said to me. I wrapped my legs around Alisha's leg, before Eyrie took off. As Eyrie flew up into the cloudless sky, I felt excited about the journey we were going on. It was clear Eyrie didn't mind the weight. Every so often, Alisha would command Eyrie with a "Left now!" or a "Right!"
    We fly above a lot of the fields, including a Cyndaquil field, a Ponyta field and a Houndour field. In every field there were Pokemon playing, and training themselves so they could get stronger. I also get to see more Pokemon than I had seen before, as I have lived in the Vulpix field all my life, never journeying out of it.
    Soon, Eyrie was above the Charizard field. From my height, I could only make out the Charmanders playing hide-and-seek in the fields and burnt forest. The grass is more severly burnt than the grass in my field. Also, the Charizard field is bigger. Eyrie felt tired, however.

    "Eyrie, land now!" Alisha commands. The Staravia slowly and gently descends from the clear sky above. Soon, I could feel one of my tails touching the slightly hot ground.

    When we landed, I can clearly see the Charizards that were attacking each other, the Charmeleons Scratching the trees, and the Charmanders pretending to be Charizards. The Charmanders were jumping and running fast, pretending they could Fly. They were also letting out Flamethrowers, trying to impress each other. One Charmander was staring at a Charizard with a Pokeball in its hand, which was looking way from us. Realizing that Pokeball was Anchor's Pokeball, I tugged at Alisha's leggings.
    "What is it, Kali?" she asks me, staring at me. I point towards the Charizard clutching the Pokeball. I immediately Ember it, showing my madness at it. I opened my mouth, letting tiny balls of fire fly at the Charizard. As soon as they hit its face, the Charizard turned to look at me and Alisha. I used Ember yet again, this time putting more effort into it. The Charizard just took off in flight, dodging the Ember. It releases a powerful Fire Blast at me and Alisha. The Charmanders cheer, supporting the Charizard. Alisha commands her Normal/Flying type take the hit, and then use Mirror Move. Eyrie flew in front of the Fire Blast, taking the hit bravely. It then used Mirror Move, attacking the Charizard with Fire Blast. It hits the Charizard's wings, burning them. Alisha thought the Charizard coukdn't fly any more, but she was wrong. Almost immediately after the hit, the Charizard takes off again. Alisha commands Eyrie to use Gust, knocking the Charizard lower a little bit. However, it remains barely scathed. The Charizard responds with a Flamethrower, knocking Eyrie down. Down but not out. The Staravia was able to stand up, though weakened.
    "Chaaaar! Charizaaaaaard!" the Charizard mightily roars.
    "Now! Aerial Ace to get Anchor's Pokeball!" Alisha courageously commands. Eyrie charges in mid air at the Charizard's claws, but not to attack. As Eyrie dashes past the Pokeball in the Charizard's claws, he grabs it with his talons. Eyrie tried to grapple with the Pokeball, to pull it out of the Fire Type's claws. Its attempt failed, however. This put Eyrie in a perfect position for a Metal Claw hit! The mighty dragon-like beast's claws turned metallic, and he slashed Eyrie's wing with them. Eyrie fell to the burnt grassy floor, unable to battle. Alisha held up Eyrie's Pokeball, and the evolved Starling Pokemon returned to it.
    Just then, I had an idea! I run into the forest, and pick up as many sticks as I can; Long sticks, short sticks, thin sticks, fat sticks. Then, I ran out of the forest and dropped the sharp sticks at Alisha's feet. I picked one up with each of my tails, and began hurling them at the Charizard. The first few were off target, and the next few were masterly dodged. I picked up a long stick with all of my tails, and I tossed it at the Charizard. I embered it when it was heading towards the Charizard, making a flame stick. Since I had put so much power into it, the Charizard could not dodge the fast stick. The flame stick hit the Charizard in the tummy. The Charizard fell to the ground, releasing his grip on Anchor's Pokeball. I scampered over to the Pokeball, and nudged it over to Alisha. She picked it up, grinning.
    "Thanks a lot Kali! You saved my starter!" Alisha said. She lets out Anchor, hugging her starter Pokemon.
    "So Kali, you wanna be my Pokemon? You'll get to spend a lot of time with Anchor and Eyrie if you do," Alisha asked me, leaving an empty Pokeball in front of me. I walked over to it.

    Then, I felt an odd sensation happening. It was one of my tails. Something was happening...
    It felt as if it was evolving, but without the rest of me. I looked behind me to see one of my tails had two tips. The tail continued to peel into two, until I had six tails instead of five. It felt weird now I had an extra tail, but at least Barker and Erupt wouldn't bully me any more. I knew would adapt to it, just as I had adapted to it before.

    I refused to go in the Pokeball however. I wanted to battle, like all other Pokemon do when they are tried to be captured. Somehow, she knew I wanted to battle. She said that if she won, I'd be her Pokemon. If I won, I'd decide if the Pokeball was my destiny.

    Alisha let out a Oddish to face me. It was supposedly called 'Jump'. Jump made the first move. On command, he Razor Leafed the grass before me, making me jump back. This was repeated until I couldn't go back anymore, when I hit a tree. Then, the small Oddish used Sweet Scent. The aroma made me lose focus, in time for another Razor Leaf! I obtained some cuts and bruises, but I was still able to battle. The little plant Pokemon then used Acid, spraying harsh acid at me. I ws poisoned. Badly. I knew I was going to faint if I didn't do something soon, so I used Ember with all my strength. medium sized balls of fire appeared in my mouth, before they were shot at Jump. The Ember hit Jump hard, making it fall back. But the poison weakened me. Me and Jump were on our last legs. I let out a small Ember with the last of my strength, which hit as the poison reduced my HP down to one. I had won the battle. I try to cheer, but the poison would kick in sooner if I cheered.

    "Hey Kali, that was a good battle there. Your poison looks bad. Let me heal it," Alisha says to me, pulling a spray out of her bag. She sprayed it on me, removing the poison.
    "So, do you want to be my Pokemon?" she asks me, putting an empty Pokeball in front of me.
    I tib the Pokeball with my wet and cold nose, and I get sucked in. I didn't struggle, but the Pokeball shakes any way. It shakes one time... Two times... Three times...

    Story ends now!


    So, do I catch the Vulpix?
    Last edited by Agent K; 23rd February 2011 at 08:21 AM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

    Plot/ Introduction:

    Plot ~ You have a very simple plot for a very simple mon. It works for this case because you are going for a simple mon. However, for higher tiers of Pokemon you are going to need to come up with something more original and cohesive. For instance, something I saw that you could have done was: because of the persistent teasing the Vulpix decided to chase after the trainer to make her battle and capture her. You could have done something about a journey along the way then the Vulpix eventually comes back to battle her bullies.

    Characters ~ This is a short story so you didn’t get a chance to really develop the personality of your characters but you’ll need to do this for harder captures.

    Introduction ~ You start off fine here with some basic information on the main characters and the backdrop of the story. You could have expanded on the introduction though. You talk about Alisha being the only person who knows where the field is, but you never explain how she stumbled across it; you just say she does. Furthermore, once she saved Vulpix the first time why didn’t she try to catch it then? You need to consider such issues when you write for harder mon.



    Grammar:

    You run into quite a few problems in this area. There were many different types of mistakes you made so I’ll show you what you did wrong for each example and tell you what you need to do to fix it.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    I look like a normal Vulpix, but I have five tails instead of six. However, as the Pokedex states, a Vulpix is born with one tail. The tail splits as they get older and more mature.
    You don’t need the word ‘more’ there because it is not necessary and doesn’t add anything to the sentence.


    Quote Originally Posted by you
    All of us Vulpix [are] in the Tail Field, a field for the Vulpixes and Ninetaleses, treat each other like brothers and sisters
    You left out the word ‘are’ in this sentence. You had more than a few sentences where you were missing letters or a word. The best way to catch these is to re-read your story at least once and try reading your work out loud if you have the time.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The grass is [scorched red grass], and the trees are all broken[,] from Pokemon training themselves.
    The first part in brackets is redundant and confusing. Is the grass red in color? Or scorched from the flames? Remember, you have to be clear. Just because you know what you are trying to say doesn’t mean the reader will.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    They battled as one; as a team; as friends.
    In the instance you can use the semi-colon, but it looks awkward. Using comma serve the same purpose and less ugly.

    You also need to watch out for awkward wording when writing. Here’s an example of what I mean:

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Eyrie, I need a flight. For me and Kali, this Vulpix here," Alisha said to her Staravia, which flew higher, letting Alisha grab its talons.
    ~ You say the Staravia was released into the sky just a sentence ago. So, how can she grab its talons if the Pokemon is flying higher?

    Beyond these problems here your grammar was pretty good. You just need to tighten your punctuation up in a few places and proofread. Finally, you need to run this through a word checker as I spotted nine different spelling errors that could have been easily corrected.


    Detail/Description.

    Here is another spot where you run into trouble. When writing you should strive to describe the things in the story. This includes emotions, characters, Pokemon, environment, and Pokemon attacks. You gave good description of the Alisha but you never went the next step in describing her features. Was she gangly and tall? Short? You’ll need to pay attention to these details in further writing as well.

    For the Pokemon you did some basic description of Vulpix but beyond that the other Pokemon only had a passing mention. With so many Pokemon you can’t expect the reader to know every Pokemon. Act as if you are introducing us to the Pokemon for the first time.

    You mentioned the Pokemon field and a forest for the environment but you never went specific. Was the grass high or low? Was it sunny, windy, rain? Throughout the story I was most picturing a blank environment. You can leave some things up to the imagination of the reader but you as the writer still need to do a chunk of the work.

    One thing you did do well was add some basic description to the Pokemon attacks.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Its attempt failed, however. This put Eyrie in a perfect position for a Metal Claw hit! The mighty dragon-like beast's claws turned metallic, and he slashed Eyrie's wing with them
    I’m pleased to see that you put stuff like that in as some writers forget to. After you get this step down you can add even more things to the attack section. For example you can add how the Pokemon reacted after getting hit, or the sounds it made from the pain. As you get more practice you can start incorporating things into your descriptions.


    Length:

    You scraped by in this department.


    Battle:

    This might be your best part. You did really well in having the Pokemon exchange blows without having one side obliterate the other. So good job. Now that you have this part down you should expand your horizons and add more stuff. For instance, you can add how the Pokemon’s body reacts to using an attack and how it feels when getting attacked. Does the fatigue start to play a role the longer you battle? What about combos and the environment? During the Charizard and Eyrie battle how could’ve have wind played a role in battle? Which Pokemon is faster and could they have used the wind to their advantage? When you write for the future try to add some of these things.


    Overall:

    Not Captured. This was really close but the grammar coupled with detail caused me to say no. You need to remember to run your story through a spell check and remember to proofread, even for a short story. Be sure to try to expand your horizon when writing detail for your stories.

    If you want your Pokemon you need to tighten up your grammar by going back and fixing the problems I’ve showed you. You will also have to add a little more detail to the Pokemon and just a sentence or two about the environment. Once you get these things done PM for a re-grade.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 19th June 2011 at 07:26 PM.
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  3. #3
    Kyu in a Fedora Agent K's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

    Thanks for the grade, ATF, even though it was failed. (seriously, I posted this back in November on PE2K. That's *counts* 8 months since it was originally posted) This was my first story and I decided to go for a Medium mon because I trusted my writing abilities. I can write even better now, so I'll go and fix it up to my present abilities.

    EDIT: One thing I forgot to mention.
    Quote Originally Posted by ATF
    You left out the word ‘are’ in this sentence. You had more than a few sentences where you were missing letters or a word. The best way to catch these is to re-read your story at least once and try reading your work out loud if you have the time.
    I think it makes sense.

    All of us Vulpix in the Tail Field, a field for the Vulpixes and Ninetaleses, treat each other like brothers and sisters
    The 'a field for the Vulpixes and Ninetaleses' is the additional information. 'All of us Vulpix in the Tail field treat each other like brothers and sisters' makes sense on its own.
    Last edited by Agent K; 16th June 2011 at 02:36 PM.
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  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

    I don't wish to argue the point. The way you you wrote that sentence makes the wording seem awkward and doesn't flow very well.
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  5. #5
    Kyu in a Fedora Agent K's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kali and Alisha- A Vulpix Tail (ready for grading)

    Quote Originally Posted by AmericanTreeFrog View Post
    I don't wish to argue the point. The way you you wrote that sentence makes the wording seem awkward and doesn't flow very well.
    Oh. Okay then. I just thought that you were wrong on that point.

    Anyway, we should stop posting - until I finally edit the story.
    Trapinch is claimed || I was once IceKyurem/Rainbowkit || Avvy by King Corpse


    Gaiz and galz, if you like Inazuma Eleven, I reccomend joining the Inazuma Eleven Fan forum. It's like BMGf, but instead of being for Pokémon it's for I11. Oh yeah, and it's not as big as BMGf.

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