Justice or Death

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  1. #1
    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Post Justice or Death

    This is a story deal I wrote for Morru Magnum
    Justice or Death



    Things happen. Everyday. We know about people, risking lives to save Pokemon. We are partners, and together we work together. This is the story about Death.




    “I want a battle!” A little kid, probably nine, stomped his foot on the ground. Chris laughed. “Not right now kid. I'm busy. Perhaps another time?” Chris asked. The kid jumped up and down in frustration on the ground. “I WANT TO TRY OUT MY NEW PONYTA!” The kid yelled in Chris' face. He laughed. “Look kid, do it in the wild. I have important business to settle with my rival Jake.” Chris groaned and walked away. “Meanie. I'm going to sign up for Nick Deathstalk's tournament and try out my Pokemon there.” The young boy walked off to this supposedly “tournament”. Chris froze in his tracks. “Nick....Magnum......Deathstalk? I'm coming with you!” Chris turned around and followed the boy.

    “No! You were mean to me, you're not going to-” The two boys looked up at a huge stadium. A television screen was on the front. Nick's face appeared. “Welcome one and all to my tournament! Thirty two people are going to compete! The winner of the tournament will receive great prizes, and the losers will receive......death.” The screen turned off. “We're competing.” Chris walked in without saying a word. The boy trembled and followed him.

    The place to sign up looked incredibly light hearted. Velvet couches, a TV screen with info on the tournament, and a pleasant looking desk with two women working. Chris was walking up to the desk. The boy trembled as he followed Chris.
    “I don't wanna die!” The kid began to cry, and Chris sighed. “Look, you signed up and-” A voice was heard on the intercom. “Welcome to my tournament! Let's announce the matches, shall we?” Nick began reading off who against who, with boos and cheers and “Oh no!”. Chris listened carefully when he heard his name. “Against Stacy Heart.” Who was Stacy Heart? Anyways, she sounded like an easy opponent. When the youngster heard his name, he payed close attention. “Tommy against ???” So apparently the youngster's name was Tommy.

    “Who's ???, I'm scared!” Tommy began to sweat. Chris sighed, for this was only the beginning of the tournament.

    “Shake hands.” Stacy stared into Chris. They shook hands, then stepped back to their sides. “One on one. Begin!” Chris quickly picked up the Poke Ball. “Go Torterra!” A huge turtle with a tree on his back, spikes on the edges of his shell, stomped out. “Go Gyrados!” The huge dragon like Pokemon came out. “Leaf Storm!” “Ice Beam!”

    “Results of Round One. Firstly John is the winner of the first match. Cornelius of the second.” Chris relaxed. He had won the battle against Stacy. Her Gyrados put up a tough fight. “And ??? wins.” Chris gasped. The boy was gone. Dead. He had lost. “Yo. Good job on your performance.” It was the man called John who complimented him. “Thanks....or no thanks? You're trying to butter me up.” Chris smiled at him. John scowled. He walked off with dignity. Nick was on the intercom. “Second round, things get intense here. John against Cornelius.” Nick kept going on with names, till he reached Chris'. “Chris against Alexis.” A huge shocker. Huge.

    “Shake hands.” Chris smiled a jerk smile and shook hands with Alexis. Her face was pale. “One on one, begin!” “Skarmory, come on out and use Steel Wing! The metal bird flow towards the opponent's side. Alexis whimpered. “Go Espeon! Psychic!” The elegant cat Pokemon came out and its gem glowed. Skarmory was sent back. “Swift!” Chris shouted. Skarmory shot stars at Espeon, which it blocked. “Quick Attack!” Espeon leaped with speed at Skarmory, which it howled when it hit. Espeon was jumping up and down in pain from Skarmory's steel body. “Sorry Alexis....Aerial Ace!” Skarmory charged with immense speed at Espeon, knocking it back. Chris won.

    “Round results. John won against Cornelius....” Chris waited for his name. “Chris won against Alexis. Now moving on to the third round!” Chris sighed and flung his body on the couch. John walked over, with a Murkrow perched on his shoulder. “Greetings. Nice battling out there, I hope to face you.” Chris smirked at John. “No. Hopefully you die in the next round pig.” Chris said. Nick was on the intercom. “Let's see.....John against ???” Chris heard the names. ??? was a strong trainer, and John was strong too, it would be a tough match. “Chris against Barbara.” Chris laughed. An easy battle this would be.

    “Shake hands.” Chris frowned. Why shake hands before each match? He shook her hand anyway, which was cold. “One on one, begin!” Chris pulled up a Poke Ball. He chucked it. Magmortar came out. “Overheat!” Magmortar fired flames of ten thousand degrees from its cannon like arm. “Go Altaria! Dragonbreath!” Barbara smiled.

    “Winners of the round.....??? won against John......” Chris' mouth gaped open. That trainer was tough. “Chris won against Barbara....okay! Next round will be the semi-finals, matches will be up soon!” Nick stopped the intercom speech. Chris saw a man in a black uniform, hood over his face, walking over to Chris. An injured Murkrow was in his hands. “Looking for this?” ??? asked. Chris laughed. He took the Murkrow from ???, and watched him go off. “Idiot. I'll show him.” Chris heard the intercom again.

    “Well.....Chris against ???, and Lucas against Melody.” The intercom shut off. It was time. The battle with ??? would begin soon. This would be beyond the definitions of epic.

    “I'd shake hands....but you don't have to. One on one. And....BEGIN!” Chris pulled up the Poke Ball. “Goodbye, friend! Torterra!” The huge colossus turtle came out, and stared daggers at ???. “Humph. Go Mewtwo!” ??? chucked the Poke Ball, the DNA Pokemon coming out. Its eyes were closed and it was meditating, Mewtwo didn't look ferocious at all. “Mewtwo, Psychic!” The Pokemon grew a purple flame, and its eyes opened, a shade of purple. “T-Torterra, use Leaf Storm!” Torterra's tree rustled, and leaves glowing bright green were sent at Mewtwo. ??? laughed. “Now!” Mewtwo sent a beam of psychic energy, the storm of leaves now under Mewtwo's glow. The leaves turned from green to purple. “Fire!” ??? said. “MEW! TWO!” The leaves were whipper forward at Torterra. “No....NO! EARTHQUAKE!”

    The entire stadium shook, causing Mewtwo to lose its balance and fall. Mewtwo shook across it, body bouncing up and down. The leaves no longer were controlled by the psychic energy. Mewtwo's purple flame disappeared. “NO! AURA SPHERE!” Mewtwo tried to gain focus, but a Leaf Storm hit it in the face. “Yes! Torterra, Rock Climb!” A huge cliff grew underneath Mewtwo, causing it to wobble back and forth for its balance. “Now.” Torterra's claws grew, then he stampeded up the cliff. It was too late. “Shadow Ball.” ??? watched the battle closely, he probably had a plan. “TWO.” Mewtwo gathered up a black ball in its hands, and as Torterra was about to stomp onto Mewtwo, it fired the ball straight in Torterra's face.

    “TERRA!” Torterra fell off the cliff and onto the ground. “Torterra is unable to battle. Mewtwo-” A black crow flew in at that moment. It was that Murkrow. Nick's face pressed up against the glass overlooking the tournament. “THAT'S CHEATING!” Nick yelled into a microphone. “CHRIS WILL BE EXECUTED AT ONCE FOR CHEATING! ??? IS THE WINNER!” Nick was in a rage. Chris stole the referee's microphone. “Why must innocent people die for this? It is nothing but horrid. I wish for this tournament to end. If people die, what good is that? We must all take a stand. What wish for is the freedom of this Murkrow and other Pokemon, and the people who died to be brought back to life. Thanks in advance.” Chris dropped the microphone on the floor. Nick was in a state of calm matter.

    “Guys...get Chris. We need to talk to him.” Nick said. Two guards went out to the battlefield. “Thanks a lot Chris. Now I can't get you dead.” ??? looked over at Cris and scowled. Mewtwo closed its eyes and went back into meditating. The two guards were almost to the field. “It's time.” ??? removed his hood. He was there. Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket. “Too late. Honchkrow!” The huge bird came ouut and bowed to Chris. The two guards arrived. “Dang it! Giovanni, what are you doing here?!” The guards were angry. Giovanni laughed. “Who cares? I'm out of here, have fun!” Giovanni threw down a card, an ace. He flew away on Honchkrow. “Forget him. Nick needs you now!” Chris followed the guards and....Murkrow perched on Chris' shoulder.

    “Greetings.” When they found Nick, he was by a prison cell. And in that cell, all the people who supposedly “died”. Nick chuckled. “No I didn't actually kill them, but I was planning on keeping them in there till their flesh rotted and they were just a pile of bones. Have fun with your friends.” Nick put a key in the lock, and turned it. Everyone began running out, Chris had to jump to the side. Nick laughed. “So, is this good?” Nick asked. Chris nodded. “It was much more than that. We finally have the peace people and Pokemon alike deserve.” Chris said. Nick and Chris shook hands.

    THE END, OH WAIT? SOMETHING ELSE?

    Giovanni stared at the plans. “Honestly? We failed our mission to capture Mew.” Giovanni glared at Proton. “AND our plan to get an Elekid to power up our base.” Giovanni looked over at Petrel who was fiddling with a deck of cards. “Our job to get a Gligar to raise a windstorm, we could use as a weapon, FAILED AGAIN!” Giovanni this time looked at Ariana. “But this time, we're not going to fail. We have ourselves. We're heading to the Aura Guardian's castle next, where we will capture a Riolu.” Giovanni explained to the group. Archer sighed. “This time can I do a mission? I'm sick and tired of just staying here all the time.” Archer said.

    Giovanni laughed evilly. “Sure. If you don't fail this time I'll promote you. Anything else?” Giovanni asked rhetorically. They all shook their heads. Giovanni scribbled on a piece of paper, making a map. He handed it to Archer. Archer got out of the chair he was sitting in, then hurried off to the castle.

    NOW REALLY IT'S THE END.
    Target Pokemon: Murkrow
    Group: Medium
    Required Characters: 10k-20k
    Characters used: 10168
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f401/knight-shadows-stats-86723/
    My URPG Stats

    Warm my eggs and feed my Pokemon please!

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Justice or Death

    Claimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmed. Yes, that was necessary. And Google Chrome really hates that word.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Justice or Death

    Intro/Plot/Characters: To start, I'm just going to say, this story was....confusing. Your intro starts out all right, a quick conversation between someone named Chris and a little kid. Chris seems to be a little bit arrogant and quick to dismiss people he thinks are below himself and the little kid seems like, well, a little kid; very stubborn and constantly excited. They are both apparently in some sort of Battle Royale/Death Race-esqe competition where the winner gets both fabulous prizes and his life, while all the losers are killed. Then, things start getting weird.

    First of all, Chris seems to have very little concern for the kid. This could be explained away by death being a normal part of this world, but if it is, why is the boy still so afraid? Weren't they aware of what they were getting when they signed up? And even if this was a normal part of their world, then Chris completely changes feelings when the boy is killed; but only for a second. He gasps, and then moves on and is fine. It just seems like he should either care or not care, and judging by his speech at the ending about not needing to kill people for entertainment, it seems like he's leaning toward caring.

    Next, the actual battles. There weren't really any. Mostly you just had the characters send out two Pokemon and call an attack, then it was over. In the first round, it's a Gyarados vs a Torterra, and Torterra beats it with a single Leaf Storm, even after taking damage from an Ice Beam. The Torterra would have to be massively more powerful than the Gyarados for that to work, and if it was, you should explain more about how Chris got such powerful Pokemon.

    Also, you introduce characters as if we already know them, like Nick. Is this the second chapter in a story? If it is, you should probably put that somewhere. One more confusing thing about Nick in particular, is that when Chris loses his battle, he screams that Chris cheated and should be executed, even though Chris lost and was going to be killed anyways....

    The addition of Giovanni was definitely an interesting part of the story, though. Bringing Team Rocket into this dystopian world was definitely a good idea. Do they have something to do with the death tournaments? What about '???'? It's definitely a cliff hanger, and that's a good thing. It makes the reader want to know what happens next and keep reading your series. I definitely think that you need to clean up your plot, though. Lengthen the battle scenes and make certain things clearer. This story has definite potential though. I like the idea of their being these gladiator-like battles in some alternate Pokemon universe.

    Detail: You did a good job when describing the Pokemon themselves, but you left most of the human characters without any description. You definitely want to describe your characters, as you can make certain aspects of their personalities known through detail. For example, a character who wears a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers is obviously very relaxed and casual, while someone who wears a suit all the time is probably more concerned with their appearance. Also, you can use appearances to foreshadow things about a character. You did a little bit of this with '???'. We see him wearing a black cloak and hood, which tells us he's supposed to be mysterious and secretly evil. So that was cool.

    You should try to describe more about the battles, too. What exactly does a Leaf Storm attack look like? A tornado made of razor sharp leaves? Or are the leaves fired like bullets, one by one? Things like this make the battles better, and battles are a great way to build suspense in a story, thus helping the plot along.

    One last thing, is you should try to be as accurate as possible when describing things.

    “Go Gyrados!” The huge dragon like Pokemon came out.
    I know that Gyarados is supposed to be a traditional Chinese dragon, but when most people hear 'dragon-like', they think of Western dragons, which look something like this:



    I probably would've described Gyarados as more sea monster-like, or even serpentine, but yeah. Gotta know your audience.

    Grammar:

    We are partners, and together we work together.
    This is kind of an awkward sentence, but it would still be correctish if you put a comma after 'together'. Still, it's never that good to put the same word that close to another use of it.

    “I want a battle!” A little kid, probably nine, stomped his foot on the ground. Chris laughed. “Not right now kid. I'm busy. Perhaps another time?” Chris asked.
    Every time a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph. Otherwise people get confused and you have huge paragraphs that are confusing to read.

    I have important business to settle with my rival Jake.
    Comma after 'rival'.

    light hearted
    This should be one word connected by a hyphen. As in, 'light-hearted'.

    A huge turtle with a tree on his back, spikes on the edges of his shell, stomped out.
    You need an and after 'shell', otherwise you have no independent clauses, which means that is a sentence fragment, rather than an actual sentence.

    Gyrados
    That's 'Gyarados.'

    dragon like
    It's the same as 'light-hearted'. It needs a hyphen to make it one word.

    Length: You have a little over 10k, so you're just over what you need.

    Other: Your story was a little bit hard to read, though underneath it all you have a good plot waiting to come out. It just needs a little bit of work and it could be much better.

    Outcome: Murkrow....not captured.

    Here's what you need to do to get your Murkrow: Go back and fix up the battles, fix your grammar issues, then add some more detail. After all that, IM me, PM me, VM me, or whatever, and I'll give you your Murkrow.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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