Journey To Snowdrift Cavern *Graded*
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  1. #1
    The People's Champion Roulette's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Holland, 1945

    Default Journey To Snowdrift Cavern *Graded*

    Journey to Snowdrift Cavern

    Attempted Pokemon: Smoochum and Elekid

    Range: Simple (5-10k) + Simple (5-10k)= 10-20k

    This is my first story, and I decided to go with a simple pokemon capture. I don’t know a lot about the story writing, so this is sort of a trial run. I used my URPG trainer/myself as the trainer in the story assuming that’s what you’re supposed to do hehe. It takes place in and around a fictional town in Johto. Eh, this was originally going to be a single capture, but as I wrote, I realized that the story supported more of a multicapture, so I added the Elekid. Maybe a bit too ambitious for my first story, but who knows?

    Part 1:

    “Hit it with Ember, Hellhound!” I shouted. I was in the middle of a battle with a trainer who lived in the same village as I did. My Houndour, Hellhound, was fighting viciously against his Sentret. The flames bursted from Hellhound’s mouth, and blackened the Sentret’s fur. Sentret stumbled and wiped his eyes, but then looked at his master awaiting an order.

    “Ok, Sentret, hit it with a Quick Attack!” shouted my neighbor. Sentret, who had been balancing on its large tail, began to scurry quickly towards my pokemon. Before I could give a command, Sentret had slammed full-force into Hellhound’s side and knocked him to the ground.

    My Hellhound stayed down, and for a minute I thought it was going to stay there for good, but then it slowly climbed to its feet. The battle was taking a toll on him. I glanced over at my enemy’s pokemon and noticed that he had to have been in worse shape than Hellhound. The continuous onslaught of Hellhound’s powerful fire type moves were bringing him down.

    “Ok, Hellhound, time to finish it off. Rush in and get close, and use a nasty Crunch attack!” I shouted. The swift, black dog sprinted towards the Sentret who was caught completely off-guard. Before Sentret knew it, Hellhound was right next to it. Hellhound opened his jaws wide and clamped down onto the normal type’s neck, then brutally threw the pokemon several feet with one swing of his head. Sentret’s small arms tried to push the rest of him up, but he couldn’t lift even this small weight; he was exhausted to the point of losing consciousness.

    I smiled as Hellhound ran over to me, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. He was obviously just as pleased with the victory as I was. I patted his head and then returned him to his pokeball. I glanced up and saw Brian, my neighbor, solemnly return his pokemon to its ball. His head was steadily looking down at the ground, and he looked quite sad.

    I walked over to him and extended a hand. “That was a good battle, Brian. I really thought you had me that time.”

    He looked up, and he had a frown painted across his face. “I still haven’t won a battle,” was all he said. He still had not shaken my hand.

    My hand dropped to my side, but then quickly went back up and rested on his shoulder. “Brian, you’ve gotta be patient. I wasn’t as good as I am now when I started, but I’ve practiced a lot and battled a lot, and now Hellhound and me are a force to be reckoned with! Have you thought about changing your team up a little?”
    “You think I should get rid of Swipes?” he asked, a terrible look was on his face now. Swipes, his Sentret, was his only pokemon, and the first one he ever caught.

    “No! That’s not what I meant, Brian. I just think that you need to catch another pokemon or two. There are several places near Acacia Town to catch pokemon, and not just your typical “bug-catcher” kinds of pokes, but really strong ones!” I said, trying to comfort him.

    “Well, that’s not a bad idea, Roulette. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for my team to flesh out a little bit. I’ll try to catch something, and maybe train Swipes a little more, then I’ll be ready to battle you again!” he said.

    “Sounds good, Brian. I’ll see you then,” I replied. We walked away from each other and went to our houses. Right before I entered my yard, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Was Brian back?

    I turned around to see a boy whom I had never seen in Acacia Town. He had dark hair, which was poking out from under a backwards baseball cap. He had a hoodie on, and was wearing shorts.

    “Uh, can I help you?” I asked him, shaking off his hand.
    “Hey, I saw that battle just now. You’re pretty good, wanna battle me?” he asked.

    It was getting a little dark, but I only saw one ball on his belt. I surely had time for one more battle before nightfall. “Why not? Come on out Hellhound!”

    Hellhound emerged from his ball, and barked at the unfamiliar trainer. His barks ceased and were replaced by low growls.
    The trainer grabbed his ball and threw it to the ground. “Totodile, come on out!”

    Crap. A water type. It was true, Acacia Town was at a crossroads of different environments. Several different kinds of pokemon could be found around the town. Water types, however, were not generally found here. Acacia was compeletely landlocked, and there weren’t even any streams or lakes within twenty miles. I had virtually no experience dealing with water types, and to add to that my Houndour was weak to them.

    “Toto, use Water Gun!” the trainer shouted. Toto’s mouth closed and its cheeks rapidly began to swell. Once they could hold no more, a jet of water erupted from within and shot onto Hellhound. Hellhound yelped and fell to the ground. He shook off the water and quickly got back up.

    “Hellhound, you’ve gotta work hard if you’re gonna win this battle. Crunch, now!” I commanded. Hellhound obeyed and ran towards Totodile. He bit down on the small gator and caused it to cry out in pain.

    “Water Gun, one more time!” the trainer cried.

    One more was all it took. In only two hits, the battle was over. Hellhound fell to the ground, and didn’t get back up. How had this trainer, a trainer I had never even seen, beaten me so easily? He was clearly talented.

    I returned Hellhound to his ball, as did my opponent. He jogged over to me and shook my hand. I smiled and waved him off, but I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t lost since I started my career as a trainer. I stormed into my house and slammed the door behind me. I ran up the stairs to my room and slammed that door as well. I tossed my bag and pokeball onto my desk, and jumped onto my bed. I buried my head into my pillow. Maybe I was being a baby, but this loss was taken hard. This sparked a painful realization that I wasn’t the strongest trainer out there.

    The strongest in Acacia Town? Sure. There were only a few trainers here, and they were mostly just hobbyists. I needed to expand if I wanted to become a serious trainer. I needed to take my own advice, and catch a few more pokemon.

    Part 2:

    The first thing I did the next morning was go to the pokemart. I gave the cashier my money and bought 5 ultra balls; no expense spared, I was catching a pokemon. I left the pokemart and headed north. To the north of Acacia Town was a small cave called Snowdrift Cavern. It was home to a few ice type pokemon. Most trainers thought that ice types were weak, simply because they were known for not being the strongest defensively, but they were crazy. Almost all serious trainers, including regional Champions, had at least one dragon in their team. In fact, Lance, Johto’s Champion, specialized in using dragons. If you wanted to slay a dragon, you need to use an Ice type.

    My plan was to venture through the forest just north of Acacia, and then head to Snowdrift Cavern to catch an ice type. Then I could start building my team, and become a real force in the pokemon trainers' world.

    I stopped by the house before leaving town and said goodbye to my parents. They wished me luck and I was on my way. As I left Acacia Town, I let Hellhound out of his ball so he could walk beside me. I entered the gate station that was on the road which connected Acacia to the forest to the north. The guard smiled and waved me on, and I continued on my journey.

    The forest on the other side was thick, but a road carved a path through it, making for easy navigation throughout the forest. I knew that the forest was not a small one. Most people elected to go east and then north, going completely around the forest, but I knew that this forest contained pokemon as well, and it wouldn’t hurt to catch another pokemon on the way to Snowdrift Cavern.

    We had been walking for an hour at least, and Hellhound and I became hungry. I sat down on the side of the road and opened my bag. Houndour’s feet began working furiously as he danced around excitedly. I pulled out some of my mom’s homemade poketreats that she made especially for Hellhound.

    “Sit, Hellhound,” I said. The dog stopped moving around and promptly planted his rear on the ground. His tongue was hanging loosely out of the side of his mouth. A look of pure delight was in his eye. I tossed the treat into the air, and Hellhound jumped into the air and ate it before he landed. He licked his chops, and I patted his head. I pulled out a sandwhich and a few berries and had my lunch.

    After eating, we set off again. We had only been walking for a few minutes when Hellhound began growling. He stopped in the road and looked to the right side of the path. I saw nothing in the thick bush, but Hellhound was eying the woods intently. I thought that he was simply spooked, but then I saw the bushes begin to shake a little. I was now as focused on the bush as Hellhound was. I had no clue what was going to come out.

    Hellhound’s growling became more furious, and my anxiety increased. Suddenly, a small yellow wad with two…protrusions coming out of his head emerged from the woods and rolled onto the path. Three Combee were chasing a small Elekid, and he was furiously swatting at them and shooting thundershocks at them. The swarm finally buzzed off into the distance, and Elekid got back to his feet, dusting himself off.

    He was about to walk back into the forest, when he noticed Hellhound and I. He was taken by surprise and stepped back a few paces when he saw us. His surprise soon left, and he immediately tried to look tough. His small, round chest puffed out, and small bolts of electricity began sparking between his two pointy ears. I had never seen an Elekid, or any pokemon for that matter, who acted this way. Elekid then began to flex his biceps.
    I found this exceptionally funny and started to laugh. When Elekid saw this, he shot a quick thundershock at me, which ended my laughter. Hellhound immediately launched an Ember back at him which hit him square in the chest.

    “Looks like the battle is on, Hellhound. Use another Ember!” I commanded. Hellhound shot another burst of fire at Elekid. This time, Elekid did some sort of barrel roll to dodge the attack. He quickly got back on his feet and sprinted towards Houndour. Just before reaching Hellhound, he launched a sliding attack, Low Kick.

    Hellhound’s feet were knocked out from under him and he fell to the ground. Luckily, Houndours were a small breed and the attack had little effect, despite having the type advantage.

    Elekid was still getting up when I gave my next order. “Hellhound, while he’s near you use Crunch!”

    As Elekid got up, he was met by a set of sharp, white teeth. He was released from Hellhound’s mouth, and slowly backed up. He gripped his arm where he had been bitten, and shuddered; his defense had dropped.

    “Great job, Hellhound! Now hit it with a Fire Fang!” I shouted. Hellhound’s mouth began to glow red as he bit down on Elekid once more. Instead of attempting to counter, Elekid simply froze in terror and took the attack. Hellhound loosened his jaws, and Elekid collapsed.

    “Whew, I didn’t think he was ever going to faint,” I said. “Talk about a strong-willed pokemon.”

    A thought came over me. This really was a strong willed pokemon. I could definitely use a pokemon like this on my team. And to add to that, I knew that Elekid had a strong evolution; Electivire. I reached into my bag and grabbed one of the Ultra Balls I had purchased this morning. I threw the ball at the collapsed mound of yellow fur, and he was transferred into the ball in a flash of red light. The ball moved back and forth and the pokemon struggled about within. Then the movements stopped. A small clicking sound was heard, signaling that I had captured the Elekid!

    I yelled out in triumph, and Hellhound gave out a bark of joy. I attached the ball to my belt, and then I continued walking. I really wanted to use my new pokemon, but he was knocked out, and there was no way that I could use it for battling. I hadn’t even packed any revives or potions for this outing. Elekid needed his rest, but that was ok, I still had Houndour for battling.

    Eventually, the forest began to thin out and we could see a bright blue sky above us. A few minutes later, the forest was gone and we were walking on a trail which cut through the middle of a field. The field was beautiful, and full of flowers.

    We walked a bit further until we could feel an unusually cool breeze. The cool air was refreshing on the hot summer day. I knew exactly what this meant, we were nearing Snowdrift Cavern. I walked around a curve in the road and around a small outcropping of rocks. When I came around the curve, I saw a large hole in the middle of a rock wall, which was emitting the frigid air. The rocks around the cavern’s entrance had frost on them. Hellhound and I entered the cave, intent on catching an ice type.

    Part 3:

    The cavern was incredibly cold inside. I pulled out a sweater from my bag and pulled it over my head. It helped a little, but my bare legs remained cold. Jeans would have been a good choice today. I looked at Houndour who didn’t seem bothered by the extreme coldness of the cave.

    I didn’t know exactly what pokemon could be found here, but I wasn’t going to be picky, I just needed an ice type. We wandered the cave for several minutes without seeing anything. Suddenly, I saw a tiny pink pokemon running as fast as it could, and squealing. The pokemon was tiny and girlish, and had a blonde mop of hair on its head. I wanted to laugh at it, but then I saw why it was running. A giant Tsunbear was chasing the small pokemon. The massive polar bear roared as it cornered the Smoochum.

    The Smoochum began to cry as it sank down into a ball. The Tsunbear was just about swipe the Smoochum up with a giant paw, when I commanded Hellhound to attack. “Ember!”

    The usually small jet of fire was much bigger this time. Flames erupted from Hellhound’s mouth; he had learned Flamethrower! The stream of fire hit the Tsunbear on the back and knocked him down. He got back up and roared loudly, causing icicles to fall from above. Tsunbear was much larger than Houndour, and it seemed to be a lot stronger. It hadn’t seemed hurt by Hellhound’s new, powerful attack. He roared once more and then raised a massive paw into the air. His claw was shining in the light. He then brought the giant claw down towards Hellhound and hit him with a painful Slash. Hellhound was sent flying.

    I looked to where Hellhound was now lying, and waited for him to get back up. He growled and pushed with his front feet, but he couldn’t get back up. The Tsunbear was just too strong. What was I supposed to do now? I had no pokemon to battle, and a giant polar bear was about to rip my head off! I should’ve just left it alone!

    Tsunbear marched over to me and raised his claw again. He was snarling violently and his warm breath could be seen as a foggy mist in front of his face. Then I felt something vibrating and wiggling on my waist. I looked down and saw Elekid’s ball moving around violently. I grabbed it and instinctively through it to the ground.

    Elekid came out with new vigor, and flexed his muscles. “LOW KICK!” I yelled. Elekid sprinted for Tsunbear and launched a sliding kick at his feet. This time, the move was much more successful. Tsunbears were massive pokemon, which caused Low Kick to work much more effectively. Tsunbear was brought to the ground. Without missing a beat, I commanded Elekid again; I was taking advantage of the giant pokemon being incapacitated. “Thunderpunch!”

    Elekid’s fist balled up, and static was jumping around all over the fur. He slammed his fist into Tsunbear’s stomach, causing his breath to be knocked out of him. Tsunbear’s eyes bulged as Elekid slammed several more electrically charged fists into the giant ice type. Elekid finally grew tired and dropped his fists. Tsunbear stood looking at the small foe, he swayed, and then fell like a massive tree to the ground with a huge thud, causing more icicles to drop.

    Somehow, someway, Elekid had defeated the Tsunbear. “Great job, Elekid!” I shouted excitedly. There was no doubt in my mind now that catching him was the right choice. I soon remembered why we had begun fighting the polar bear in the first place. I ran over to where the tiny Smoochum was cowering. I extended my hand to the tiny pokemon, who glanced up at me, then over to the collapsed Tsunbear. She graciously grabbed my hand as I helped her up.

    As I started to walk away, in search of an ice type to add to my team, I felt something tugging at my shorts. I turned around to see the tiny Smoochum holding her arms up, like a child wanting to be held by a parent. I smiled and accepted her thanks. I picked her up and she planted a surprisingly large kiss right on my cheek and began to chatter excitedly.

    I laughed and placed the small pokemon back on the ground. When I tried to leave a second time, the Smoochum held onto my hand tightly. Her eyes showed an extreme gratefulness and I realized what she was wanting.

    I bent down until my face was level with the cute pokemon’s. “Smoochum, did you want to come with me?” I asked her.
    The tiny pokemon nodded excitedly and her blonde hair went everywhere. I began to laugh again at the funny little pokemon, and pulled out an Ultra Ball from my bag. I held it out to the Smoochum and opened it. The Smoochum nodded once more, as to confirm her decision, and I zapped her into the ball. Without a struggle, she accepted capture. I placed the ball on my waist which rested beside two others.

    My mission could not have gone better. I left Snowdrift Cavern and trekked through the forest. I made it back to my house just before nightfall. I placed my bag and pokeballs on my desk, and slipped into my pajamas. I laid on my bed and quickly fell asleep, I was in a much better mood than when I went to bed last night.

    Just before sleep came to me, I smiled. It was no longer just Hellhound and me. I actually had a team now, and I couldn’t wait to start training them.

    Final Character Count: W/ Spaces: 18,190. No Spaces: 14,862
    Last edited by Roulette; 24th December 2010 at 11:18 AM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Journey To Snowdrift Cavern *Ready To Grade*

    I claim this story.

    Will try and grade as quickly as possible.


  3. #3
    The People's Champion Roulette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Holland, 1945

    Default Re: Journey To Snowdrift Cavern *Ready for Grading (its short)*

    K, after receiving permission from JoC, I am officially requesting a new grader for this story, so feel free to claim it! It's short, and I wrote for mart mons *shot*, so a quick grade would be... appreciated. But, I'm patient, so just claiming it will make me happy :)

  4. #4
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Journey To Snowdrift Cavern *Ready for Grading (its short)*

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory: The first 'chapter' of your story forms quite a good introduction; it introduces your character, shows a bit of who he is to the people around him, and most importantly gives an impression of what it is that drives him: becoming the best Trainer he can.

    Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot is simple but interesting, featuring your character, a boy named (of course) Roulette, who's decided he needs to catch some more Pokémon and sets out to the nearby Snowdrift Cavern, meeting a new friend on the way as well as when he gets there.
    All in all, your story has a good pace to it, with sections of action being given more time and attention than 'boring' parts, while you still managed to convey time passing as your character travelled (little episodes during the travel, like stopping for lunch and giving his Houndour a treat, helped a lot.)

    I thought the second battle's ending (the one against the newcomer Trainer with the Totodile) seemed very abrupt. The reason for this is that, in comparison to the initial battle against Brian's Sentret, its aftermath was extremely short. After the battle with Brian ended, you included a description of Hellhound's response to winning, and devoted a fair bit of dialogue to what happened afterwards. In contrast, the second battle ends... and then there's half a paragraph of tantrum, no real dialogue with the winning Trainer, and no description of Hellhound's weary slump to the ground, drenched by the Water Gun attacks and whimpering feebly in humiliation.

    Grammar, Sentence Flow: From the very beginning of your story, I found myself a bit thrown off by the way you kept changing the pronouns you used to refer to the Pokémon. Half the time the Sentret you were fighting was 'him,' referring to 'his eyes' or 'his master.' The next paragraph, though, you're using 'its tail' to refer to the same Sentret's tail.
    This pronoun confusion continues throughout the story, with your Houndour having the Sentret knock him to the ground, but for a minute, you think it is going to stay there for good. It's important to pick a pronoun and stick with it, because referring to a Pokémon as 'it' has a very different meaning than referring to one as 'him.' In my stories, I either use 'him' and 'her' for all Pokémon, or only use 'it' for Pokémon whose gender is unknown (generally Pokémon belonging to antagonists.) The choice is yours, but once you've picked a pronoun for a Pokémon, try to stick with it.

    Other than that, there were no recurring errors, and nothing else major enough to distract me from the story itself. =) The following is just something I noticed while I was reading; nothing huge, but to be avoided:
    Quote Originally Posted by Roulette Dares
    His head was steadily looking down at the ground, and he looked quite sad.
    This sentence was a bit awkward. One's head does not generally do the looking; one's eyes may be cast downwards, or one may be gazing steadily at the ground, but the phrase you used just seemed odd. I only mention it because , try as I might, I couldn't really envision 'a head steadily looking down at the ground.' Using 'looking down' in the same sentence as 'looked quite sad' sounds strange, too, because of the repeated verb 'look.'

    Detail, Description: This is a common point for writers of all kinds to slip up on, from newbies just testing the waters to experienced writers who get complacent. It's often hard to realize, and keep constantly in mind, the fact that your readers don't have the same clear mental image of your story's world as you do. Characters, locations, objects... All of these things have to be described to the reader before you can be sure they have a picture in their heads that's similar to yours.
    Quote Originally Posted by Roulette Dares
    I entered the gate station that was on the road which connected Acacia to the forest to the north. The guard smiled and waved me on, and I continued on my journey.
    What do the inside and the outside of the gate station look like? What exactly is the 'gate?' (Is there a wall running around the town, or is the 'gate' just a gap in the surrounding trees?) You tell us that the road on the other side goes through a forest, but what does the forest look like?
    This isn't something that most writers come to just like that— it takes diligence and a constant conscience of the divide between your mind and the reader's to consistently describe everything. You said that starting with a couple of Simple-rated mart Pokémon was your way of doing a 'trial run,' and I applaud your restraint: a Simple catch doesn't really require you to have learned this particular lesson already.
    That said, you did do some describing: Elekid's body shape was explained when he was first encountered, and the battles contained attacks that I could imagine clearly because of the way they were described. The entrance to Snowdrift Cavern was also a fairly clear image. Your mission as a growing writer is to apply those good descriptions to cover everything important in your story, from human characters, to Pokémon characters, to each new scene those characters arrive in or pass through. When in doubt, describe it! ^_^

    Dialogue: While it wasn't dialogue in the strictest sense of the word, one really nice paragraph that caught my eye was when your character (Roulette) took a moment out of his travels to train his Houndour:
    Quote Originally Posted by Roulette Dares
    “Sit, Hellhound,” I said. The dog stopped moving around and promptly planted his rear on the ground. His tongue was hanging loosely out of the side of his mouth. A look of pure delight was in his eye. I tossed the treat into the air, and Hellhound jumped into the air and ate it before he landed. He licked his chops, and I patted his head.
    I approve greatly; this kind of little aside, so very like any normal kid and his dog, serves to add just that little touch of the genuine and recognizable to the relationship between your character and his Pokémon.

    Battles: In the first battle, the Pokémon tended to move 'too quickly for the opponent to react' a lot, which is one way of ensuring that all the moves hit. It became apparent that you weren't just copying the games, though, when you had Elekid dodge Hellhound's Ember attack later on. For most of the attacks, you explained what they looked like, but there were a few— like Elekid's thundershocks— that you seem to have assumed your readers can imagine for themselves. That's more or less true, but as I said before, when in doubt (and even when not!), describe it fully. ^_^
    The way you included a description of Crunch's effect on Elekid was an example of a situation in which you did it very well:
    Quote Originally Posted by Roulette Dares
    He gripped his arm where he had been bitten, and shuddered; his defense had dropped.
    Rather than just saying 'Elekid's defense dropped,' your inclusion of an explanation of just how that manifests itself in the 'real world' was a good decision. Kudos!

    Character Count: 17,890. Impressive, approaching the upper suggested character limit rather than the lower.

    Overall: While the inconsistent use of descriptions was a detracting factor from the overall impact of your story, the narrative as a whole shows promise and imagination. It's good to start off simple, and I'm happy to say that because you did, I can with confidence award you a double-catch of your target Pokémon, Elekid and Smoochum. As long as you make sure to always have descriptive detail in mind, and keep up the good standard that this story sets in other areas, I'm certain that your future stories will merit increasingly challenging levels of catches!

    Elekid: Caught.
    Smoochum: Caught.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 24th December 2010 at 02:42 AM.
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