Journey Begins!
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  1. #1
    Steelin' a glance... Beldum's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
    Olivine City

    Default Journey Begins!

    Journey Begins!

    [OOC]: This was originally going to be a story for multiple Pokemon. However, over the past few days I haven't had any motivation, so I decided that I will instead post this as is, in order to get a second Pokemon so I can try the National Park. I apologize for being much longer than the required MCR. Also, while this is only for a simple capture, I am really interested to see what my grader has to say, so I can take those tips into account when I write my next story. Please feel free to provide more critique than normal, as I would love to become a better writer. The story consists of this post and the next.

    Character Count: 18,080

    Attempted Captures: Diglett (M)

    Chapter 1

    The dawn broke through his bedroom window, casting streams of illuminating yellow light through the half-closed blinds. Dust motes fluttered along micro-currents of air caused by his shallow breathing. As the sun rose higher into the air, the rays of light within his bedroom soon reached his face, causing him to stir. After a moment, he awoke with a yawn and a long stretch while he still lay in bed. His eyes opened sleepily, with several blinks to adjust them to the new light which had disturbed him from his sleep. The young man rose onto his elbows, taking in his surroundings. He was currently in his small, one-bedroom apartment. Various clothing items were strewn across the floor. His dresser was piled high with books and magazines, almost all of which were about Pokémon. Just opposite the dresser was a long mirror, and next to that was his closet. Some would find it amusing that most of the contents that would reside within this closet were currently on the aforementioned floor. The young man sat up fully and turned his body so that his legs hung over the bed and his feet touched the floor. A strange lump underneath the blankets began stirring, and out of this heap of cloth emerged a floating metal ball. It had a screw atop its head, a large ocular circle in the “front” of the ball, and two large magnets on either “side” of the metallic ball. Two smaller screws adorned the bottom of this creature, with their heads pointed forward. This was a Pokémon, of the species Magnemite. Scientists were still arguing over how it maintained levitation through manipulation of electromagnetic waves.

    “Maagnemiiite.” The Magnemite emitted its name with a strange electric humming, like what standing in the middle of a large transformer station would sound like. The young man turned to his right, where an alarm clock sat half-buried beneath several shirts on top of a nightstand. It read 7:39. The metallic creature levitated towards him, its singular large eye watching with a remarkable amount of intelligence.

    “Yeah, I know it’s early Magnet.” He reached over to the alarm clock, fighting against the clothing to reach the alarm switch. Toggling it to off, he swept the shirts of the nightstand and returned the alarm to its original location. He stood now, stretching once more and giving a large yawn of defiance to the sun and the idea of being awake in general. He ran a hand through his messy brown hair. It was quite dark, with an almost imperceptible black streak running right through the middle. His mother had informed him that was his birthmark. He had even seen pictures of himself as a baby, with light brown hair and a shocking black Mohawk. His jaw was adorned with the stubble of several days, clearly having been ignored by a razor. His nose was slightly crooked, from being broken when he was a young boy. Bright blue eyes scanned the floor, searching for some reasonably clean clothes to wear. Spotting a pair of jeans and a decent shirt, he grabbed them and began dressing. His body was in decent shape, as he liked to go jogging at night. Most people tended to avoid this, but since he had a Pokémon, he had no problems.

    Now sufficiently clothed, the young man and his Magnemite journeyed into the kitchen, which was out his bedroom door and slightly to the right. Dragging his feet, he made his way toward the small pantry in search of food. Magnet, however, floated off toward the refrigerator. As a species, Magnemite feed on electrical currents. The fridge provided enough energy to sustain the Pokémon, but was also simple enough in design so it wouldn’t malfunction with Magnet around. The TV, on the other hand, was a different story. The young man was just heating up a pot of water to cook his Cup O’ Noodle with when the phone rang, startling him. He answered, only to have his ears deafened from a mans bellowing shout.

    “RAYCE!” The man shouted through the telephone. If spit could travel through phone lines, Rayce imagined he would be covered by the stuff. “Why isn’t this infestation taken care of!? I told you I wanted it finished by this week!” The man, who was Mr. Bradford, owned a large Miltank farm just outside the city. Rayce had been contracted to clear out a Diglett infestation, but he was having a hard time accomplishing the task.

    “Sir, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that my partner and I are at a type disadvantage.” Rayce was referring to the fact that his Pokémon, Magnet, was a Steel and Electric type. Diglett was considered a Ground type Pokémon, which meant that he was advantaged in a battle, since ground type attacks are very effective against steel and electric Pokémon. Rayce and Magnet had been trying very hard to remove the Diglett, with limited success. “I told you it would be slow going. If you were to let me use your Chikorita…” Rayce began, but was soon cut off.

    “Absolutely not! You will go nowhere near my Chika, especially not with the 23rd annual Poké Beauty Contest coming up. Chika’s a shoe in for the victory.” Some people were Pokémon Trainers, like Rayce. They used Pokémon in fights called “battles” to train their companions and make them stronger. Others, like Mr. Bradford, instead treated them more like pets, and Mr. Bradford was quite protective of his prize-winning Pokémon. Rayce sighed internally, and Magnet floated toward its trainer, sensing his frustrating. Covering the mouth piece, Rayce addressed his Pokémon.

    “Looks like we’ve got to go out to Mr. Bradford’s farm today.” Magnet looked physically upset. “Yes, I know you don’t like the Diglett there, but we really need that money. It’s enough to finally send us off on a proper journey!” The Magnemite became cheerful at the sound of a journey. So far it and Rayce had only been able to do odd jobs around the city to scrape by. The idea of a real adventure made Magnet excited.

    “Magnemite!” The floating creature shouted exuberantly. Rayce smiled, shaking his head at the silly thing.

    “Boy, have you been listening to me!?” Bradford yelled into the phone. Rayce was snapped back into the conversation

    “Yes Sir Mr. Bradford! Magnet and I will be out at your farm in about an hour. We’ll have those Diglett gone, you have my word.” Rayce held the phone to his ear with his right shoulder while he pulled the boiling water off the stove, pouring it into his Cup O’ Noodle gingerly. He blew on the soup quietly, waiting for it to reach a more suitable temperature for consumption.

    “That better be the truth boy, or I’ll make sure you don’t ever find work in this town again!” With that, Bradford hung up on Rayce. It annoyed him that Mr. Bradford referred to him as "boy" all the time. He was 22. Sighing, the young trainer placed the phone back on the receiver. He quickly inhaled his food, which was still quite hot, and began the preparations. He retrieved his bag from the closet in the hallway, making sure to grab anything he felt he might need. Running through a mental checklist, Rayce made sure the bag had the most important items – Pokéballs, Potions, and his last few Full Heals.

    We really need that money…’ Rayce thought to himself as he zipped the bag closed and placed it on his back. Magnet came floating over to him, a red hat floating in front of the Pokémon. It was Rayce’s hat, which Rayce had placed several thin strips of magnetic metal in. This meant that Magnet could manipulate electromagnetic fields to carry the hat. It was Magnet’s favorite part of their “getting ready” process. Rayce grabbed the hat and slapped it on his head while he slipped on his sneakers. “Alright Magnet, are you ready?” The Pokémon bobbed up and down in agreement, and Rayce opened the door. Immediately outside was his bike, chained to the railing that kept people from falling off the second story walk-way. Removing the lock and pushing the bike down the stairs, Rayce and Magnet headed towards the outskirts of the city, ready to begin the arduous task of removing Diglett from Mr. Bradford’s farm.

    Last edited by Beldum; 5th July 2013 at 06:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Steelin' a glance... Beldum's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
    Olivine City

    Default Re: Journey Begins!

    A Diglett of Trouble!

    Chapter 2

    The ground surged underneath Rayce’s feet as the Diglett charged toward Magnet. The Magnemite’s large eye followed the mole Pokémon as it burrowed through the ground towards it. Rayce watched his friend with keen interest. Magnet always tried his hardest whenever there was a battle, and Rayce loved his friend’s determination.

    “Alright Magnet, here he comes.” Rayce said, tensing as the Diglett prepared to launch an attack from beneath the surface. “Remember, you can dodge it as long as you focus. I believe in you buddy.” Magnet never took its gaze off the small mound of earth that contained the enemy Diglett. The steel-type Pokémon bobbed to the left and right, hoping to stay quick when the ground-type launched its attack. As Rayce watched on in apprehension, a sudden burst of earth flew out from the ground toward Magnet; the Diglett’s Mud Slap attack. Magnet moved to the left of the attack easily, and countered with his own attack. Small, translucent orbs of light began orbiting around Magnet, growing in intensity and luminosity very quickly. Rayce recognized the move almost immediately; it was one of Magnet’s strongest attacks. He also realized he was right in the line of fire. The trainer took to large steps to the left and dove for cover, just as the Magnemite let loose its mighty Flash Cannon attack. Magnet’s aim was true, and struck the Diglett full on, nearly engulfing the little Pokémon in the beam of light. The beam traveled past it, digging a furrow into the ground a foot wide at the beginning, and widening to about 4 feet near the end of its nine foot length. It was over a foot deep at the end of the gouge, but at the beginning only inches deep. As Rayce stood, he brushed of his pants, taking in the damage. There were small vapor trails coming of the ground where the attack hit, and the faint smell of ozone permeated the area. Snapping back to the battle at hand, Rayce scanned the area for any sign of the Diglett. He found him, amazingly, still conscious and moving. This little guy was tough alright. Magnet moved in a semi-circle toward Rayce, keeping its eye trained on the Diglett. Rayce reached down to his belt, unclipping one of the Poké Balls that was clipped their and currently miniaturized. He depressed the center button, and the ball enlarged to full size, ready to attempt a capture on any Pokémon.

    “Magnet, I want you to attack it with your Metal Sound attack. Hopefully the disorientation, along with its currently weakened state, will be enough for me to capture it.” Magnet bobbed up and down in agreement, and floated along toward the Diglett, which was orienting itself to face the Magnemite. It certainly looked the worse for wear, and was clearly nearing the end of its strength. Rayce had to respect the tiny Pokémon, he knew it wouldn’t give up with out a fight. It was only befitting the last Diglett to plague Mr. Bradford’s farm. A sudden flashback made the trainer shudder. How Magnet had managed to knockout that Dugtrio was still unknown to Rayce. He wished he could have captured the evolved version of Diglett, but in hindsight, was glad he didn’t. Such a powerful creature would surely be too difficult for Rayce to handle, and it could cause untold destruction around the small rural town he was visiting for this job, let alone the big city he actually lived in. Returning his focus to the task at hand, Rayce readied his arm, preparing to launch the Poké Ball at the Diglett as soon as Magnet finished his attack.

    Magnet floated toward the injured Diglett, proceeding with caution. So far, he had done a great job avoiding the attacks of the ground type, but one hit could leave him quite injured. As he approached, the Diglett attempted one last ditch attack, which Magnet easily avoided. The floating Pokémon began rotating the twin magnets that were on either side of his body. An electric hum was being emitted from the Magnemite, growing louder and louder as the magnets spun faster. Eventually, the hum became loud enough and reached a pitch that became to painful to hear, and Rayce was forced to cover his ears. The Diglett wasn’t so luck as Rayce, and the painful sound soon became too unbearable to listen too. It ran from Magnet, towards the trainer who wished to capture it. Seeing this, Rayce removed his hand from his ears, immediately wishing he hadn’t. “Magnet, that’s enough!” He shouted, pulling his arm back to throw the Poké Ball. He released the ball, and watched as it sailed through the air and smacked the Diglett right on top of its head. The Diglett looked at Rayce with a look of bewilderment as it was digitized and downloaded into the Poké Ball. The ball snapped shut and fell to the ground, a red light being emitted from the button in the middle. Suddenly, it wobbled slightly, as though something inside were attempting to break free. Rayce held his breath, as Magnet travelled over to him, watching the ball with interest. It wobbled again, although with less enthusiasm this time. Rayce began counting the seconds. If he reached six full seconds without the ball moving, he knew the capture was successful. ‘One...two...three...four...’ As he began to think the fifth second, the ball wobbled once more. His heart caught in his chest, and once more he began the count, aloud this time.

    “One...two...three...” Magnet moved closer to his trainer, attempting to help ease the tension. Rayce laid his hand on the back of the Pokémon, its smooth metallic surface cool and reassuring. “Four...five...six!” Upon saying the final second, the red light on the Poké Ball blinked out, leaving the button the same white it was before. Rayce looked at Magnet with a fierce grin, then grabbed the Magnemite and spun around, laughing out loud. “We did it Magnet! We caught a Diglett!”

    “Magnemite!” Magnet said, his “face” showing clear satisfaction. Rayce released his friend and dashed over to the motionless Poké Ball, scooping it up gingerly, as though it were a priceless artifact that could turn to dust at the slightest incorrect movement.

    “My first Pokémon capture.” Rayce said, looking at the red and white sphere with a mixture of awe and excitement. Magnet had always been Rayce’s friend, since before he could remember. His dad had been an electrical engineer down at the Power Plant, and found the Pokémon feeding off of the main grid lines on night. Too enamored with the little guy, he brought him home to his wife and their two year old son, Rayce. Ever since then, the two have been fast friends. Rayce looked at Magnet, a small tear forming in his right eye. “Dad would’ve been proud of us Magnet.” He said, wiping away the moisture in embarrassment. He was a grown man, nearly twenty-two years of age. He shouldn’t be crying like a little baby. Still, Rayce couldn’t help but feel the emotional surge remembering his dad brought forth. He tried his best to bury the feelings, making his way toward his bag, which he left hanging on the fence not far from his current location. Inside was a Super Potion, a medical item used to make the healing of injuries much easier for Pokémon. Rayce grabbed the item, which was a literal miracle-in-a-bottle, and pressed the small button on the Poké Ball containing his newly captured Diglett. A white beam of light appeared as the ball jumped out of Rayce’s hand and released the Pokémon.

    The Diglett emerged from the ball and took in the surroundings. It was still in the field where he had been battling the Magnemite. The trainer and Magnemite were both in front of him, looking expectant. Magnet floated down to the little Pokémon and began verbalizing with him in an excited manor.

    [Hello, my name is Magnet. This is my trainer, Rayce. I’m sorry for having to battle you. You fought very well.]

    The Diglett looked up at the floating Pokémon and answered back in kind.

    [Don’t worry. I understand it was a battle, and I lost. You fought well too. Tell me, how do you like your Trainer?]

    Rayce watched as the two Pokémon conversed, wishing he could understand them. He’d heard rumors of trainers who were so in-tune with their Pokémon they could understand them just fine, and sometimes didn’t need to say anything at all in order to convey commands or information. Rayce imagined that it took years of training and bonding with your Pokémon to reach that level of intimacy. Unless you had a Psychic type of course, in which case many can speak telepathically to their trainers. Rayce knelt down and addressed the little Diglett.

    “Hello there. My name is Rayce. This is Magnet. I’m sorry we had to battle you like that. I have something to make you feel better. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.” Rayce made a gesture toward the Super Potion and leaned down to apply the spray. The Diglett winced as the medicine was applied, but soon he felt much better. Already some of his cuts began to close, and bruises were lightening all over his body.

    [That’s much better.] The Diglett said to Rayce, smiling in appreciation. [Although I wish you could understand Pokémon so you didn’t have to repeat what Magnet just told me.] For such a tiny Pokémon, Diglett had quite the intelligence. Magnet laughed at the Diglett’s remark, and addressed his first question.

    [Rayce is a great human. As for his abilities as a Trainer, we’re actually just starting out. I would say we’re doing well because we captured you though.] Magnet watched as Rayce stood and brushed off his pants.

    “Alright guys, lets go report to Mr. Bradford that we’re done so we can get our money!” Rayce picked up Diglett’s Poké Ball and pressed the button in the middle. A red beam was emitted from the center of the ball, and the Diglett was placed back inside the ball. The trainer miniaturized the ball and attached it to his belt clip. There were five clips, and four of them held empty Poké Balls. Rayce clipped Diglett’s ball onto the first clip, picked up his bag, and began the short walk towards Mr. Bradford’s house.
    Last edited by Beldum; 5th July 2013 at 12:18 AM.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Journey Begins! [Ready For Grading]

    Claiming! =D

  4. #4

    Default Re: Journey Begins! [Ready For Grading]

    Hi! So, graders don't usually go this far for just a simple-ranked Pokemon story, much less for somebody's first story! But I do want to outright say that you went above and beyond for this Pokemon, and it is only fair that I honor the request you posted before the story. If you ever have any questions, let me know! And here we go!


    Ah, the wonderful awakening introduction. Although this type of introduction is overused (trainer wakes up, almost ready for his Pokemon journey), I really appreciate how you characterized Rayce through those early actions. We have a messy young man with all sorts of Pokemon junk flung all over his place; we can see how much he loves Pokemon, and it's a great foreshadowing for his loving relationship with Magnet. The story does not really begin until Rayce receives a phone call from his boss, but until this point we are slowly accustomed into the Pokemon world you have created as well as the character of Rayce. Overall, this is a casual introduction that works very nicely.

    Now, I can only challenge you to go further. In future stories, attempt to begin without a character arising from a dream of some sort, arising in general from bed (the most common introductions). Again, casual introductions such as these are nifty for immediately setting up your world and establishing the five who's of the introduction (who, what, when, where, and sometimes why); however, these type of basic introductions tend to lure the reader away because they are not immediately interesting. Starting off with dialogue (such as the phone call occurring first) or even action is a lot of fun for the reader. Anyway, that is just general advice for the future. You did a fine job with this introduction!


    Firstly, I quite enjoyed your narrative style! It seems that you know absolutely what time is appropriate to add additional information. This is a skill that is especially important when you need to explain what aspects of the Pokemon world do; although this is not always necessary, I do appreciate the effort from the author. My favorite plug in from the narrator was the part where Magnet's and Rayce's friendship was explained. Very nice! Aside from this, I also wanted to comment on how realistic your Pokemon world is. Rayce lives in an apartment, has an actual job, comes from a big city (perhaps a foreshadowing?)...these aspects make him more relatable to us as the reader. We like his character from very early on, so great job there! You've done what this first story (in the series) needed to accomplish: establishing Rayce and Magnet as the hero in this Pokemon adventure. Fantastic!

    Now, for the actual plot itself. Like the introduction, this plot is a straightforward A-B plot where we are given a simple problem and expect a simple response or action. For a simple-ranked mon, this type of plot works! Keeping the events and characters simple is sometimes the best way to go. For future stories, the plot should definitely become more involved as well as unpredictable. For example, in this story there is only one moment where the reader doubts Rayce's ability; this is the moment where he asks his boss to use his Chikorita. When Rayce and Magnet manage to defeat the infestation, the reader knows the story is over because the hero has triumphed over that one doubt and can now only go to victory. This is the B part of the story, and it leaves readers with a very "oh" feeling that is neither rememberable or perplexing. We fix this by changing the A-B story to a A-B-C story, and then we switch C and A and add a few elements of suspense and perhaps confusion in between there (for metaphorical purposes; it is by no means a solid formula XD). In this way, along with an interesting, fresh base plot, we have a very involving story that keeps our reader the whole story through, asking for more.

    A few tips for an ongoing story. Rayce definitely seems like a character that has a great story to tell! Keep up the momentum; remember that you want to begin the next part of this story by recapping, briefly, what had just happened. Tying in with this grade's introduction section, you want to begin that next story by making it interesting: immerse us into this awesome world of Rayce and Magnet! Furthermore, I would definitely recommend bringing back a few of the story's characters every now and then as the story progresses. Making villains out of somebody like the boss would be a lot of fun! But yes, keep your readers on their toes, always guessing, always reading to discover what happens next. It's clear that you know how to characterize well, so I look forward to how Rayce and Magnet develop through this story!


    Rayce released his friend and dashed over to the motionless Poké Ball, scooping it up gingerly, as though it were a priceless artifact that could turn to dust at the slightest incorrect movement.
    This sentence is my favorite description in the story. Not only does it provide a rare metaphor, but it also serves as characterization for Rayce by showing how gentle and kind of a trainer he is. Two points!

    Description throughout this story was tame; you knew just when to pick up the description, and when to have the narrator step in and further explain an item or event. The tone is also kept the same throughout, and the narrator is consistent, which is great! Based on the battle sequence, you've proven that you can describe quite well! I do appreciate the sensory details used, such as the ozone detail! As most of the events of the story are ordinary, the description is ordinary too; this is quite fine though. Your characters are described fully, both aesthetically and personally (we love backstory!). As with the other parts of this story, I can only advise you to go beyond with description. Have fun experimenting with different tones, sentence structure, creating new ways to compare details!


    There are a few nit picky issues that I would not normally go into for a story of this rank. Some people are just perfect.

    Yes Sir Mr. Bradford!
    Yeah, I know it’s early Magnet.
    I believe in you buddy.
    Because Rayce is about to announce a name or a title at the end of these sentences, a comma needs to go before that title. This also serves to give the reader a chance to take a mind breath.

    Yes Sir, Mr. Bradford!
    Yeah, I know it’s early, Magnet.
    I believe in you, buddy.
    Steel-type; Electric-type
    We want to put a dash mark in between the type and the word type. These words are connected.

    “Alright Magnet, here he comes.” Rayce said, tensing as the Diglett prepared to launch an attack from beneath the surface.
    “Dad would’ve been proud of us Magnet.” He said, wiping away the moisture in embarrassment.
    Because you have the action of said directly following the quotation, you would need a comma where the period is (within the quotes) and a lowercased subject directly following. This rule follows with exclamation points and questions marks, but using those respective expression marks instead of a comma.

    “Alright Magnet, here he comes," Rayce said, tensing as the Diglett prepared to launch an attack from beneath the surface.
    “Dad would’ve been proud of us Magnet," he said, wiping away the moisture in embarrassment.
    The Diglett wasn’t so luck as Rayce, and the painful sound soon became too unbearable to listen too.
    The trainer took to large steps to the left and dove for cover, just as the Magnemite let loose its mighty Flash Cannon attack.
    Rayce reached down to his belt, unclipping one of the Poké Balls that was clipped their and currently miniaturized.
    I know that you know the differences between their/there, among to, too, and two, so I instead wanted to remind you to proofread. Proofreading is a wondrous tool that catches most silly grammatical errors that we make in our stories. We are human and tend to make these tiny grammatical errors that we just never notice. Make sure you spend five minutes after writing to just proofread - it'll make a big difference!


    Hehe, never feel like you have to apologize for a story being too long! As long as your story isn't long because there's filler (unnecessary events or characters rambling), you're just fine! In fact, we tend to look up to stories that are over their MCR naturally because it shows that the author has put forth plenty of effort and time for this Pokemon. It's really a sign that the author has really just gone above the call of duty and delivered for the reader. In terms of pacing, this was fine as well. Events occurred at a natural pace and the battle was never stretched out. Your narrator spends a moderate amount of time to explain, which is a great quality! And a unique aspect of your writing.


    GEEZ, THIS MONSTER GRADE IS SCARY. THIS NEW WRITER IS JUST TOO GOOD. In honesty, you've written a fine first story! It's clear that you can only go up and up; and I really do hope that you return to our fun Story section! This first story holds a lot of potential and I'm quite excited to see it continued! You've definitely deserved this Pokemon! Diglett Captured! Have fun in the National Park, and thanks for putting up with my grade. We're always up to give more critique than necessary, and I hope that you find at least something in here that is helpful to you. (=


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