Jake's New Adventure

Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Jake's New Adventure

  1. #1
    Registered User Jake434's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    In my mind
    Posts
    96

    Default Jake's New Adventure

    "Hound!"

    "Ahhh! Soot, don't do that to me!" I sat up and rubbed my bright blue eyes, trying to focus in the new light. I looked up at the sky and noticed that the sun had just risen. I looked back at my Houndour. "Let me guess, you want breakfast," I said sarcastically. Soot just nodded and wagged his short tail. The small dark-fire type was a dark gray, almost black all over except for his muzzle and underbelly which was orange. There are light gray skull protruding from his forehead to make a mask, rings around his ankles, and two 'ribs' on his back. "Alright, fine. I'll get up and once I change I'll start making it." "Hound!"

    Once I got up from my sleeping bag and packed it away I changed out of my night clothes into my day clothes,. I fixed my ruffled brown hair so that it was straighter. I started the fire when I finished getting ready. I couldn't help but notice that my white shorts were quite dirty even though my orange t-shirt, which fit nice around my skinny torso, was clean. Even my light brown sandals weren't as dirty as my shorts. I looked at Soot and caught him as soon as he slid under a bush. "Soot, did you by chance take my pants last night?" I got no reply. "Soot?" I went over and looked under the bush. Soot wasn't there. I went back to the fire and there he was, sitting like he was there the whole time. I just shook my head from confusion and went back to making breakfast.

    After breakfast I got up and grabbed my backpack. As I slung it on my shoulders I called for Soot. "Come one Soot! We have to get to Saffron as soon as possible." We left Celadon City yesterday to deliver an urgent message to Saffron's gym leader. It's not a fun job to do when your sixteen, but I had nothing better to do. We left Celadon right away and were able to travel to where I slept last night. Once Soot was at my heels I started walking. The forest was made of large trees with a few bushes and other plants scattered here and there. It was a beautiful sight, especially when you saw all of the flowers and their many different colors. The flowers and plants weren't the only magnificent creatures in the forest though. Many Pokémon made their homes here, from the small Caterpie to the large Sawsbuck.

    I began to notice that the trees and bushes were started to become thinner as we moved deeper into the forest. I stopped so that I could set my pack down. I then started digging into all of the pockets trying to find it. "Aha! Here it is, always in the last place you look." I opened my map that I received in the last town I entered, just before the forest. It was a special map because, unlike most maps that either show the whole region or others that show the topography, this one showed precisely how the forest was along with the path, danger zones, or other places of interest. I looked for where we were at and found it. I then found the reason for the thinning of the trees, there was a meadow coming up.

    I neatly folded the map as much I could and tucked back into the pocket I found it in, "Okay, I've got to remember that the map is in this pocket." I patted the pocket to try and help my mental note. I stood back up and put the pack back on and off we were again down the path.

    In a few short minutes we reached the meadow. It was a very large space with a few Pokémon roaming in it. It was filled with flowers of just every color. The Pokémon that I saw were almost as diverse in color, shape, and size as the flowers were. I pointed some out to Soot and he just barked happily. Then I heard a strange noise coming from the edge of the forest just behind me. I tried to see what it was, but all I saw were trees and nothing else. I turned back towards the meadow and I heard the crack again. "Soot, is that you?" I looked at the Houndour and saw him just sitting there, staring intently at a pair of Rattata that were eating some flowers. I got curious as to why and completely forgot about the strange noise. I crouched down and gently touched Soot. "Houndour!" Soot jumped at the slight touch of my hand on his shoulder and sprang at the Rattata. He started chasing them all over the meadow. "Soot! Come back here!" I sat down and started to play with a flower, as I waited for Soot to return from his chase.

    I wasn't long until I heard the noise again I turned around very quickly and caught a glimpse of a tail. "Hey, don't be shy, I'm not going to hurt you." Once I said that, the creature stepped out. It was a rather small Pokémon. It had a black mask over it's eyes, a stripe patterned coat, and a very zigzagged walk. "Hey, now there you go. Come on, you can come closer. I believe you are a, uhhh... oh , a Zigzagoon. Well, come here." I patted the ground next to me and that sent it flying back into the forest. I stood up to try and see where it went, but I figured the chances of me finding a little Zigzagoon in this large forest was slim. I turned back just in time to see Soot give up his chase and return to my side. "Did you have fun, Soot?" "Hound!" He wagged his tail. "That's good. Now, let's get a move on before noon. I'd rather not get caught in the heat." As we started moving on, I couldn't help but look back to where the little Pokémon disappeared and noticed that a little furry tail had just ducked back in.

    Once we managed to find the trail again after searching in the heat for a couple hours in the meadow, we were finally able to continue on our journey. I never thought of using the map again until after I was back in the forest on the shaded path. I noticed that the wind had also started to pick up while we were searching. I thought that maybe a storm was on it's way, but when I looked at the sky, there were no clouds in sight. At least no storm clouds, there were a couple white thin clouds, but other than that and some bird Pokémon, there was nothing.

    "Hound." Soot barked at me. I looked down at Soot and saw that he was walking slower. He looked like he was pointing at something with his nose.

    "What is it?" He whimpered softly. "Do you want something to eat?" He just looked up at me and looked at me. Then without warning he started barking and wagging his tail. "Okay, I get it. Over there looks like a good spot." I pointed to a small rock outcropping near the path, just inside the forest. I was quickly able to start a fire, thanks to the slight wind and dry wood, and most importantly, Soot's Ember attack.

    In no time we had our supper in our bellies and were about to head out to continue our journey when the thunder boomed in the sky. I ran out onto the path with Soot and looked at the sky. It was completely covered in rainclouds. "Wow, I didn't even notice, it's just so dark in the forest and the trees block the sky." Then I saw the lightning strike in the distance. "Okay, no more traveling for the day. It's a good thing we found this rock. Soot, let's get back under those rocks. I started to walk, but that became a run when the rain started falling. When I reached the trees I noticed that the rain could still get through, making the ground soggy and wet. It was slippery even in some places that shouldn't be. I found that out when I stepped on a wet tree root and went flying, landing right in a bush. I was able to pull myself out and reached the rocks without any more delays. I checked myself over and found just a few scrapes that would heal on their own. Then the rain really started coming down. Since there was really nothing else to do, I pulled out my black hoodie as a blanket and I used my back pack as a pillow. Soot just curled up next to me providing extra warmth.

    "Soot, stoooppp." I moaned to Soot. I kept feeling him sniff my head and hand. "Soot, cut it out." Then he started gowling, "Soot, stop!" I jerked awake and jolted upright. When I looked though, it wasn't Soot who was next to me, it was a little dark gray and black dog. "Oh, you're not Soot." Its fur on it's back was upright and I could see its canines. "Oh, uh, h-hello Poochyena." I slightly turned my head. "Sooot!" As soon as I called for him he appeared and immediately growled at the strange Pokémon. While it was distracted I quickly stood up and stepped back so I was right next to Soot. It kept growling at me and I couldn't understand why. Then I realized that his must be its home. It started backing up towards the rock wall and once the dog Pokémon reached it, he fled into a small crevice.

    "Well, that's enough excitement for today. Soot, let's get moving." I hastily packed up my gear and found the trail again. Once I started traveling once more I felt calmer. I for some reason unknown to me stopped. I looked in my backpack for my map and realized that I didn't have it. "Oh, I forgot my map. It must have fallen out when I took out my hoodie. It's probably still at the cave." When I finally found and reached the cave again I searched everywhere for it. I even had Soot help. Neither of us could find it. "If it's not here, then it must be farther back from the way we came." I left the cave again and this time headed for the meadow. When I was almost there though, I caught a glimpse of something unusual. It was a pale piece of... paper!

    "My map!" I went over to the bush it was under and pulled on it. Only, it wouldn't budge. I tried again and this time I got it, only there was something on the other end. "What! Aren't you the Zigzagoon I met yesterday?" I put the map back down and it let go. "You must have found my map when I dropped it. Wow, you're ability to find stuff is amazing." It scrambled back under its bush.

    I turned around once again to continue my journey. I started off and when I looked back I couldn't help but notice that the Zigzagoon was following me. I didn't really think of it, I just noticed. As I continued down the trail I passed the cave again.

    Instead of passing the cave in silence though, I heard a growl and turned to see the Poochyena charging. "Soot, use Leer!" Soot did as he was told by staring angrily, trying to intimidate his foe, but it didn't seem to affect the Poochyena at all. It wasn't planning on attacking me so it didn't see the attack. Instead it tackled the Zigzagoon that has been following me. It went flying into a bush. Then the Poochyena noticed Soot and I, but didn't really care about our presence. The Zigzagoon suddenly came charging out of the trees and tackled the Poochyena with its whole body. The Zigzagoon wasn't as strong, but it did do some damage. The Poochyena retaliated with a strong Bite attack to the Zigzagoon's body and the it fell, cringing in pain.

    "Stop, Poochyena! Soot, use Smog!" Soot released a dark, thick cloud of poisonous gas from his mouth that quickly reached the Poochyena's own mouth. The gas gave the Poochyena some pain since it cringed a bit, but it wasn't enough to stop it. I couldn't see, but when the Smog attack cleared I could see that the Poochyena started to charge at Soot. I had to think fast.

    "Now Soot, use Ember!" Soot prepared himself, then fired the fiery embers at the Poochyena. It fell, almost as if it fainted, but then it stood up. It looked as though it was painful to stand for the Poochyena. I was about to call for Soot to attack it again when if fell. Then I saw the Zigzagoon walk up to me. It slowly raised its head against my leg. "Oh, do you want to come with me. Well, first let's get you healed. I pulled out a potion and sprayed the little raccoon Pokémon's injuries. It wasn't completely healed, but it was able to move enough that it stood on its hind legs and put its font paws on me leg. I looked back at the Poochyena and back at the Zigzagoon. "Here, then." I pulled out a Pokéball and touched the Zigzagoon with it. It got sucked up in the beam of red light. I reached into my pocket again.

    "Okay then. Go! Pokéball!" In one fluid movement I pulled out the small red and white capturing device, pushed the button so it grew to it's normal size, and threw it at the weakened Poochyena. It bounced off its head and opened up sucking in the Pokémon in a beam of red light. Both Pokéballs rocked, one with Zigzagoon inside it, the other held Poochyena. "Come on, you can help can get of here and deliver my message quickly." I said as I hoped both captures were successful. One rock, two rocks...

    ~~~
    Necessary info:
    Pokémon being captured: Poochyena, Zigzagoon
    Requirement amount of characters: 10,000-20,000
    Actual amount of characters: 12,265
    Last edited by Jake434; 27th May 2013 at 04:01 PM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,403

    Default Re: Jake's New Adventure

    Claimed. Should be up in only a couple days.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,403

    Default Re: Jake's New Adventure

    Plot/Introduction:

    I’m on the fence about the introduction of this story for a couple of reasons. While I do like the description of the main character and the environment, there was some detail that was needed, plus an issue that ties into the plot.

    The portion of detail that was missing was what the Houndour looked like. I’ll talk more about this later, but you need to have description on Pokemon. In the opening this was the only blank spot in it, but it was enough that I easily noticed it.

    The final portion of detail that was missing is basically context. All we, the readers, have is that the main character is suddenly jolted awake by the Houndour. We know he is in the woods, but know very little beyond that. Was he sleeping in backpack or on the hard ground? While you did describe the forest, you didn’t describe what the main character was doing. Thrusting a reader into a situation creates for an interesting tale, but you have to remember that you need to explain this stuff.

    My next point ties into the one above and the plot. My question for you is how did the main character get to the woods, and what is his goal? It’s okay to keep the reader in the dark about a few issues, but before you worry about the direction of the story, we need to know where the person is coming from. It felt to me like you are missing a prologue to this story. You need to explain the origins, it’s a piece of the puzzle, and without it the reader is in the dark.

    Your plot was fairly simple and something that I usually have an intense dislike for. I hinted on this during my introduction spiel, but this story really felt incomplete. I didn’t see where the main character came from, much less his name, nor did I find out where he was going. It felt to me like I was looking at a corner of a photograph, but I couldn’t see everything else.

    Without a directional beginning and ending all you had was a boy in the woods and he randomly comes across a couple of Pokemon. While this works for lower captures, it can fail on you if a few other elements are lacking. Unfortunately, those elements were lacking in terms of the plot and introduction.

    I think you could have easily tweaked the plot to make it more interesting, losing and recovering the map could have been that part, but you failed to fully develop that story. For good news, the plot problems can be easily fixed with a few additions or tweaks. If this was my story, I would explain why the character was in the woods in the first place. Perhaps he was searching for a special healing mushroom and the map would lead him to a location where they grew. But as he was walking he saw that the Zigzagoon was carrying one on its back or something. Or, conversely, you can develop the ending instead and link it back to the beginning. Another method would have involved the two wild Pokemon, or something along those lines.

    To cap, a couple of problems, but ones that can be developed to not only include more, but to also create a better tale so that reader becomes more interested.


    Description:

    Your description could use some work in a few areas, but overall I’m satisfied with what you did. The areas that I look for, you had in the story, even if they need some work. Those areas are environment, Pokemon description, human description, and Pokemon attacks are the main things. For more advanced stories and writers, I like to see senses, personality, and specific facial features. So, for next time, I would like to see you attempt the human facial features and expand on your description of the Pokemon attacks. Now, let’s move on to some more specific things that I would like to illustrate.

    I must say, I liked how you described the main character. Instead of the self-explanation method of describing the character, you blended that information well with the rest of the opening information. This is harder to do, but it doesn’t disrupt the flow of a story and flows rather easily.

    For Pokemon description I’m a little confused. You didn’t describe the Houndour at all besides saying it had a small tail and was dog-like, but for the Zigzagoon you easily described the Pokemon so much so that without even knowing what it was I could’ve guessed on its appearance. This is something that needs to be done for all Pokemon in the story. As a writer you have to assume that not all your readers know what every Pokemon looks like. Therefore, you need to tailor your detail to the importance of the Pokemon in the story. So Pokemon like Houndour would get a detailed description, while those wild Rattata only need a sentence or two.

    Another area that you need to develop is your description of Pokemon attacks. Just like the Pokemon appearance, you need to describe all the attacks, even the evident ones. Let’s take some of your attacks and use those as examples.

    The Poochyena retaliated with a strong Bite attack and the Zigzagoon fell, cringing in pain.
    This paragraph is what I call, telling and not showing. Obviously we all know what a Bite looks like, but there is much more to it that that. For example, where does Poochyena Bite the Zigzagoon and does hit bite down hard, or just grasp it? There is so much information that you could use. The purpose is that you clear up any foggy areas so that the reader fully understands exactly what is going on.

    "Stop, Poochyena! Soot, use Smog!" Soot released a poisonous gas that gave the Poochyena some pain, but not enough to stop it.
    Here is another example. This one is better than the last because you actually say he releases a poisonous gas, but once again, that is only a fraction what you need. If I was writing about this attack I would have included a few different details.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”Soot, time to stop that Poochyena! Go with a Smog attack!” I commanded my Pokemon. Houndour responded with a bark and turned to face the fellow Dark Pokemon. He inhaled, puffing out his chest, and when he exhaled a dark, thick, purple gas emerged from the mouth and nostrils of Houndour. The gas quickly spread across the battlefield, choking out much of the light and making it harder to see and breathe. The gas enveloped Poochyena, but the dog Pokemon didn’t seem to take notice of the gas.”
    What I did was describe a complete picture of the attack and not only its origins, but its look, feel, color, its effect on the Pokemon, and the effect on the human. You don’t always needs a giant paragraph, but you do want to describe the attack(s) to the best of your ability.

    Finally, I would have like to see a few additional features are the main character. While you include eye color, I would have like to seen hair color and style, and maybe his age plus a few additional details like body shape. As it was I only had clothing shape and color, plus eye color. That is enough to barely scrape by for a story of this rank, but for medium and above you’ll have to do much more than that.

    Grammar:

    Your grammar was above par with what I expected, but I did notice a few errors that should have been caught with a proofread. Like using ‘started’ instead of ‘starting’. Such things are light, but if you have too many of them it is annoying to read and disrupts the flow of the story. My point, be careful to go over your work as many times as it takes.

    You did this a couple of times, but all dialogue needs to be separated by spacing. Even the Houndour speaking counts as dialogue and needs its own paragraph.

    As of now, I can’t really provide too much advice on grammar, except for those pointed out above. So, continue with your writing and I think you’ll do fine.

    Length:

    In the lower end of things here. Not always a bad thing, but not always a good thing.

    Conclusion:

    One Pokemon Captured. I was at first going to say that neither Pokemon was going to get captured. Your grammar and description really saved the story though, otherwise if those two areas were weak I would have failed the story. Now, if you want the other Pokemon go back and develop the story more using my examples above (fix the start or end etc). By expanding on the Pokemon attacks you’ll earn some extra credit, also. Enjoy the one Pokemon and message me for a regrade later on.

    @Jake434
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,403

    Default Re: Jake's New Adventure

    You did as I asked. Just remember to watch out for the stuff in the future and continue to develop your writing. Other Pokemon Caught. Enjoy your Pokemon.

    @Jake434
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •