It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines [Ready for grading/Story Deal]

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    Avada Kedavra! Morru Magnum's Avatar
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    Default It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines [Ready for grading/Story Deal]

    Title: It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines
    No. of Characters: 15,446
    Target Pokémon: Cubchoo [Medium Level; 10,000-15,000 characters]
    Technical Stuff:




    It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines



    The blizzard that day was harsh, as each pellet of solidified ice collided with another, forming a rattling winter orchestra. As seconds passed, the snow that was then a mere foot high had become a thick blanket of slush, consuming the grass that hid under. This display of what seemed to be a reprisal of nature sent a feeling of melancholy to the creatures in the area, an emotion as cold as the winter wind itself.

    That day could not have been even harsher for a Cubchoo, as he faces an event that could possibly tarnish his life forever. With his mother protecting him from a potential predator that could be identified as a wild Zoroark, the little Cubchoo cried for her mother’s life. The Zoroark barely heard the Pokémon’s pleas, as the blizzard grew heavier, muffling and distorting any form of audibility. It then lunged at the parent, hitting her with successive blows from Fury Swipes.

    She roared in pain and to this the female Bearctic’s instinct of matriarchal protection kicked in, as she did all she could in order to keep her cub unharmed. The thought of even a single scratch on her offspring sent her into an outrage as she released her primeval ways of combat. All she wanted was to keep Cubchoo safe, and she knew that she had to risk her own life in order to do so. She clawed the Zoroark in return, and thrashed the rogue assailant hard into the snow.

    The sense of triumph faded quickly in the heart of Cubchoo’s mother, when the Zoroark got up and executed a Double Team to create illusory copies of itself, confusing her on which target to attack. The Zoroark’s eyes began to glow in unison. In a split second, all of Zoroark’s copies vanished, revealing the true Zoroark was on the attack. The fox Pokémon raised its arms and released a crimson wave of cackling energy; its flickering hue immobilized the Bearctic into a state of momentary oblivion. Dazed at the aura assault the Zoroark had released, she took the blow severely, causing her to fall unconscious. The Bearctic’s body had become old, and had not been able to endure such an attack.

    The Zoroark took that moment as an opportunity to go for the Cubchoo, who was now unguarded. As the vicious cycle between predator and prey course through both of their very beings, animalistic instinct rushed through the mind of the dark-typed Pokémon, while an innocent fear for what would come came to his target. The fox Pokémon opened his jaw, teeth sharp, with claws just the same. The Cubchoo looked at the Zoroark’s eyes, and in them he saw no mercy, no recognition that he was worthy to exist. The little bear cowered in immense fear as the Zoroark approached closer, and such an intense emotion prevented him from taking immediate action to flee. He curled himself up, hiding his light blue face, naïve to the fact that his defenses were futile.

    Just when the Zoroark was about to grab the Cubchoo, from out of nowhere, a massive ball of blue energy stuck his back. It was a Focus Blast—a rather powerful one, that had hit and sent the Zoroark scurrying from the scene. The Cubchoo, knowing that the malevolent snarls of the attacker had gone, opened his eyes to see that it was his mother that had released the attack. Such a powerful attack drained the Bearctic, who was now lying on the white earth, with fresh, open wounds marking her body. In her last moments she cried, having known her child survived. The Cubchoo cuddled her mother, and licked the blood of her face.

    In her dying words, the Bearctic roared in a Poké-ursine language, ordering her child to retreat to their den, so as to escape the blizzard’s harsh condition. Surely, the child protested in revolt, being stubborn and not wanting to leave his mother behind. The Bearctic insisted as her eyes—her ice-cold eyes ejected tears unto her face. The white snow on which she rested got inked with a tint of red, seeping into the slough that surrounded her.

    And as he was told, the Cubchoo went back to the safety of their damp den, crestfallen by the fact that her mother was gone forever. Minutes would then pass, as the blizzard continues to stir up a storm of harshness, felt mostly by a now orphaned Pokémon.



    “Hurry up, Melisand! Let’s pull out of this blizzard before it gets rougher!” Nick said, as he rode on his ever faithful Togekiss by the name of Melisand. Nick was a Pokémon trainer, and although not fully skilled in the ways of battle, he persisted to do his best in everything he did. Now, he and his partner are on their way to deliver technical machines to Icirrus City, as tasked to them as a favor from Professor Juniper, who they met and befriended when they sat foot on Unova for the first time two days ago. Nick wiped the moisture from the goggles which protected his eyes, only to see a frenzy of hail and snow in front of them. The fifteen-year old suggested that his Togekiss use ExtremeSpeed, so they could extricate themselves from the winter’s icy grasp.

    “Toge, Togekiss, Toge!” Melisand cried out, her pristine plumage shone a white light as she prepared to execute the move. Nick braced himself.

    Normally, Melisand possessed such excellent grace in aerial movement that people would call her an empress of the wind, but the bombardment of hail prevented her to fly fast. Not to mention that the air currents were more forceful, driving the Togekiss back instead of forward. Togekiss clamored to this, as she struggled to keep the breeze from diverting her of her course.

    “Professor Juniper should have warned us about this horrible weather,” Nick began, holding tight to the reins on Melisand’s backside. “Then we should have just waited for tomorrow to deliver the Gym Leader’s TM supply.” Melisand was slightly irritated at his trainer’s whining, but she still kept on focusing on getting to Icirrus City.

    Then, an idea came to Nick’s mind. He then called for Melisand to slow down. The Togekiss looked at her trainer with a puzzled look, expressing her confusion. “Speeding through doesn’t seem to be working at all, Melisand. If we can’t conform to this weather, maybe we could alter the weather itself.”

    With this statement, Melisand knew exactly what Nick was talking about. The Jubilee Pokémon began to gather up energy from within her body, clearing away all the pelting hail from her thoughts. Then, a radiant orb of concentrated light formed as she put her wings together. The light the orb emitted intensified, as the orb itself began to increase in size.
    Both of them knew that it was ready, and Nick commanded Melisand to fire the Sunny Day thusly. Like a rocket of luminescent fire, the orb ascended higher into the clouds, and afterwards seemed to have dissipated into the sky. Nick looked around, noticing that the amount of snowfall had somewhat slowed down, or rather, decreased—a sign that his plan was beginning to take effect. Then, a resounding blast was heard from above. From a small window in the layer of clouds that hovered above them pierced a ray of sunlight. The ray began to expand, clearing clouds that it made contact with. Soon, the blizzard settled, and the Sun became visible again.

    “Sunny Day won’t last long,” Nick said as he removed his goggles, allowing the heat to gently touch his blue face. “So we better get moving and bring these TMs to Brycen before another blizzard whips up.”

    “Toge, Toge, Togekiss.” Melisand approved, and she was pleased that she could now fly without hindrances anymore.

    Down below, a curious bear-like Pokémon emerged from its habitation: a cave made of hard limestone. The Pokémon’s nose was constantly running; light blue mucous came drooping from it. It got down on all fours and walked out of the den, wondering if the blizzard had finally gone. To his delight he saw the sun again, and began to return to the spot where he left his mother.

    He used his nuzzle to pinpoint the location, filtering out the smell of blood from the scent of fresh pine. The snow receded slightly, allowing him to walk without tumbling. Not long after, the Cubchoo had arrived, but the body of his mother was nowhere to be seen. In its place the Cubchoo noticed tracks—similar to what the Zoroark had imprinted on the snow earlier, except there was more than a pair. There the snow was still stained in red, and in its center the Cubchoo sat down. And then something poured from his face—no, it was not mucous, but tears. He sat there, arms curled up; his mucous becoming watery. He could only remember how warm he felt when his mother embraced him. That warmth was gone, and not even the sunlight could replace it.

    Melisand, while up high, took sight of the weeping Pokémon. The Togekiss notified Nick, alarming her trainer of what was going on. Melisand, like much of her kind, are very peace-loving and thus dislike places where there is suffering and pain. As such she wanted if everything was all right with the Pokémon she spotted. Nick told her to land quickly so that they could see how the Pokémon is doing.

    Below, the Cubchoo chased a dark figure on the snow, and for a moment, it thought that, the shadow might be of his mother’s. Blind to the fact that what he chased was the shadow of Nick’s Togekiss, the little ice-type followed wherever it went, completely forgetting his ability to walk erect was imperfect, and thus running had caused him to stumble flat in the snow. The Cubchoo fell over, bruising his arm. He cried some more.

    “It’s a Cubchoo,” Nick said, as Melisand descended for a landing. “It might just be hurt.” The Togekiss quickly landed at least ten feet away from where the Cubchoo lied. Nick got off Melisand and hurried to the Cubchoo, as the Togekiss followed him.

    As Nick walked closer to the wild Cubchoo, he noticed that a patch of snow near the area was drenched in blood, triggering him to go see to the Cubchoo immediately. Instinctively, the Cubchoo went away from the human, “threatening” Nick with petty growls. Luckily, Melisand, with her motherly nature, told the Cubchoo their good intentions.

    Nick inspected the bear Pokémon for any cuts or wounds. He sighed in relief when he found none, but he could only wonder where the blood in the snow came from. He then told Melisand to ask the Pokémon if it was hurt in anyway.

    The Cubchoo growled, as Melisand interpreted for Nick. According to her the only thing broken with him other than his bruised arm was his family. This struck both Nick and Melisand. The Cubchoo continued, and told the bitter ordeal he had to go through earlier. His story shone the light on how the blood got there, and as Nick found out, he held back his emotions, as Togekiss did the same.

    Nick reached a spray vial of Potion from his bag, searching through the TMs he was supposed to deliver. “It looks like Brycen is going to have to wait for these. I’m not leaving you behind, Cubchoo.” He applied the solution to Cubchoo’s arm. “We’re getting you to a Pokémon Center.”

    He carried the Pokémon and his supplies, as he got on the Togekiss who prepared for flight. “It’s not long until the Sun fades, Melisand. So we better get this Cubchoo in Nurse Joy’s hands before we experience that horrible blizzard again.” With that said and a nod from Melisand, they were off.

    Nick felt really sorry for the Cubchoo. It must be hard for a Pokémon so young to experience such a devastating tragedy. “You need a home,” Nick thought, while he looked upon the Cubchoo, who, even while asleep, has his nose still runny. They arrived at a secluded Pokémon Center just in time before Melisand’s Sunny Day faded.

    Melisand landed with extreme precaution so it won’t wake the Cubchoo up. The Pokémon center wasn’t as big as the ones in the city. It was like a lodge, made of what appeared to be timber from the surrounding pine trees. Nick called back Melisand to her Great Ball, and returned the blue sphere back to one of the latches of his belt. He entered the facility, a young woman with pink hair and two of her Chansey greeted them in. Nick did not waste any time in exchanging any pleasantries, as he gave the Cubchoo to Nurse Joy right away. She began to examine the Pokémon, who was just waking up from its sleep.

    “This Cubchoo had its arms bruised,” Nick stated with a deep sigh. “Poor guy lost his mother to a Zoroark today. It must have been traumatizing for him.”

    Nurse Joy saw genuine sympathy in the trainer’s words, and he reassured him that, at least, the Cubchoo had only sustained the bruise from an unrelated accident, possibly from stumbling on something. She put a cast on the Cubchoo’s left arm, and gave it some Pokémon food.

    And in a snap, something occurred to the veterinarian.

    “You say this Cubchoo’s mother was the victim of a Zoroark attack?” The nurse asked eagerly, and got a nod from the trainer, who was looking at the window, watching as the blizzard brew up once again. “Come with me.”

    The Chansey escorted Nick to the emergency room, as Nurse Joy carried the Cubchoo. She opened the green doors of the room, and inside they encountered a woman of average height, who, judging from her uniform, was a ranger. Beside her was a six-foot creature, having a somewhat golden luster for body coloration. Two axe-shaped protrusions came from the Pokémon’s face. It was a Haxorus, and Nick assumed it belonged to the ranger,

    “This is Ranger Hannah,” Nurse Joy introduced the red haired ranger to the trainer. “She and her Haxorus patrol the woods when heavy blizzards occur.”

    “This trainer claims that this Cubchoo was the child of a Bearctic who was assaulted by Zoroark.” The Nurse added.

    “Is this true, young man?” The ranger raised a brow at Nick, giving him a very inquiring look.

    Nick then confirmed that that was indeed true. “I guess we’ll have to find a home for this orphan...”

    But strangely, Nurse Joy and the ranger did not appear to share Nick’s sadness, for in fact, they seemed glad. This did not make any sense to the trainer, but before he could get infuriated at the two for being happy at a time like that, the ranger spoke:

    “You see, Haxorus and I found a weakened Bearctic not too far from here. From what I’ve studied in Pokémon behavior, I inferred that the claw marks left on her was from a Zoroark. She was bloody, and so was the snow around her—”

    “Yeah, I think that’s this guy’s mother.” Nick intervened, while petting the bear Pokémon.

    “Well, Haxorus and I, we brought her back here for immediate treatment,” The ranger continued. “And we think she might just be able to make it.”

    This was a gleam of hope for the Cubchoo, and Nick too, was delighted that all was not lost. Nick just noticed that behind them was a red curtain, which Nurse Joy lifted up, revealing what could be the Cubchoo’s mother.

    And in that moment, the Cubchoo leaped from the Nurse’s arms, and jumped into the bed with her mother. Each of them knew that they were, without a doubt, parent and child. The Cubchoo felt a happiness that was impossible to describe. And suddenly, the warmth—the warmth of love that only a mother could give, came back to him. And he cried no more.

    The blizzard outside had again stirred up. The winter winds howled ever louder. Minutes would then pass, as the it continues to stir up a storm of harshness and coldness, but the Cubchoo would feel none of these. He had hope once again, and a reason to wake up to the serenity the morning sun gives to all. But for now, they would sleep, for it was still a cold night, until the morning shines for them again.



    Last edited by Morru Magnum; 24th March 2011 at 05:36 AM.

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  2. #2
    Leader of the Autobots Dinobot's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines [Ready for grading/Story Deal]

    I got to grade stuff ~ Claimed.

    Expect a grade within four days cause it takes time ;]

    EDIT: Actually I lied, I'm almost done. Should be up soon.
    Last edited by Dinobot; 3rd May 2011 at 11:29 PM.
    Even in death, there is no command but MINE!™°|
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  3. #3
    Leader of the Autobots Dinobot's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's a Cold Way until the Morning Shines [Ready for grading/Story Deal]

    Introduction/Plot: The introduction was rather nice in my opinion. I liked the way you described the setting. I could really see myself there, even though with the events taking place, I wouldn’t want to be there. ;[ Your description here is well done, it sets the mood for the story. It’s sort of gloomy, and your introduction helps us feel that, and I really liked that here.

    The plot was a bit basic, not much to it. However, certain events did catch me off guard. Okay so, a Zoroark is attacking a Beartic and her cub, Cubchoo for its next meal I assume. The mother is protecting her cub at any costs necessary, even if it means her own death. Real bears are known to do this (as is almost any mother). The small Cubchoo doesn’t witness his mother’s death, but he sees her dying which is quite sad.

    A boy and his Togekiss are riding through the storm to deliver technical machines to the gym in Icirrus City. The storm makes it harder for them to fly, so Togekiss uses Sunny Day. In doing so, the area clears up and they see a Cubchoo and the blood in the ground. They rescue the Cubchoo and take it to the Pokémon Center where they tell the nurse what happened. The nurse takes them to the back where a Ranger and her Haxorus are overseeing a mother Beartic which they rescued. To my surprise, Cubchoo’s mother didn’t die and might just pull through. You take the story with a sad beginning and give it a happy ending. It’s a classic story tale. I didn’t expect that. I expected for Cubchoo to decide to go with the boy. I didn’t expect there to be a chance that his mother survived. Then again I should have suspected something since the body was gone when the boy arrived, but my initial thought was that she died, which is what you were aiming for I guess.

    All in all, it was a sad story that had a surprising finish to it. I liked it.

    Dialogue: There wasn’t much dialogue in the beginning, but in the end where it was added, was presented nicely.

    Grammar: I didn’t see many grammar errors, but a couple of typos did stick out to me:

    Minutes would then pass, as the it continues to stir up a storm of harshness and coldness, but the Cubchoo would feel none of these. He had hope once again, and a reason to wake up to the serenity the morning sun gives to all.
    The first sentence has a typo that doesn’t make sense.

    As such she wanted if everything was all right with the Pokémon she spotted.
    Here you just forgot a few words lol, happens to me a lot.

    Detail: Your detail was half done. In some places you had great detail, and in others it lacked. I think that’s your strong point. You just need to implement them more on developing how the characters look. You do an extremely well job with the setting, so if you could take what you do there and describe your characters more, I think you’d have this nailed. Examples of the descriptions that you do well:

    The blizzard that day was harsh, as each pellet of solidified ice collided with another, forming a rattling winter orchestra. As seconds passed, the snow that was then a mere foot high had become a thick blanket of slush, consuming the grass that hid under. This display of what seemed to be a reprisal of nature sent a feeling of melancholy to the creatures in the area, an emotion as cold as the winter wind itself.
    That warmth was gone, and not even the sunlight could replace it.
    Stuff like the above really makes stories good, and you do a good job of putting that in your story. So like I said, take that and develop your characters. How does Nick look? Use your five senses here.

    “Hurry up, Melisand! Let’s pull out of this blizzard before it gets rougher!” A fifteen year old boy said. He was riding on his ever faithful Togekiss by the name of Melisand. He tried to strap as much of his golden brown hair as he could to the black temple of his glasses. - Nick wiped the moisture from the blue goggles which protected his eyes, only to see a frenzy of hail and snow in front of them. The fifteen-year old suggested that his Togekiss use ExtremeSpeed, so they could extricate themselves from the winter’s icy grasp.

    - Not to mention that the air currents were more forceful, driving the Togekiss back instead of forward. The white colored, round-shaped Pokémon struggled to flap her wings as she tried to stay airborne.
    See what I did there? I put a small description of how Nick looked. It’s not a lot, but it definitely helps us see him better. You could add it however you want. Of course don’t go overboard on it, but do enough to give us a visual, that would make your story that much better. You see, the problem with what I did there is that I put how I see him. I’m not able to see Nick, or any of the characters the way you do. Pretend I didn’t know what a Togekiss looked like, or Beatic. Describe them to me, I know you can do it, because I’ve seen the way you describe the setting. You just need to find a way to apply that to the characters.

    Length: You’re good to go here. 15,446 is in between 10 and 20k. It could have been a bit longer with a bit more description, but you’re good here.


    Reality: Didn’t see anything that didn’t make sense. In fact, I like the way you use Beartic’s bear instincts to protect her cub since they are notorious for doing so. So well done here.

    Battle: The only battle here was the one against Zoroark and Beartic… and maybe the battle of survival ;[. It didn’t involve Cubchoo so it won’t be counted as ‘the capture battle’. A battle isn’t always needed, and I don’t think one would particularly go well here anyways. You could have added one, but a small Cubchoo has the mentality that he just lost his mother, so the battle in my opinion wouldn’t fit too well or be all that great. That's just me.

    Outcome: Well, the introduction was really nice, description was a bit lacking on one side, but great on the other and there was no battle. The lack in description in the area I mentioned above almost made me want to deny you this cub, but description that you did add was great. It didn’t balance out the two, but it sure made the story good to read. Be sure to add that in your future stories cause I’ll be watching o_o. I’m going to say…



    Cubchoo captured. Good job ;]

    Any questions, feel free to IM/PM me
    Last edited by Dinobot; 4th May 2011 at 12:18 AM.
    Even in death, there is no command but MINE!™°|
    White FC: 0776 8732 5101
    3DS FC: 4914 3333 8109 IGN: Jerome


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