Into the Desert

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Thread: Into the Desert

  1. #1
    Registered User Dzebs48's Avatar
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    Default Into the Desert

    Daniel hated people, he didn't know why, but he just couldn't stand being around others. They just grated, annoyed him. He didn't just dislike people, but he disliked there pokemon. Pokemon in many ways take on the personalities of their trainers, so if a person was annoying, than chances were the pokemon would be too.

    Daniels tendency to dislike people left him pretty isolated. Here he was a young adult, someone who had never moved or been made fun of in school, and yet for some reason his only friend was the Riolu, Noaz, his parents had given him for his birthday a few years back. The little guy was blue, Daniel's favorite color, and had a really cool black mask. While Daniel hated to admit it, the fluffy tail and floppy ears were kind of cute too. Daniel couldn't help to feel a connection to Noaz right away. Also, being a fighting type pokemon, Daniel and him had learned to fight together. Both of them practiced often in a little gym in his parents' basement.

    Daniel didn't particularly like his parents either as they were people, and well... he didn't like people. So when it came time for all his peers to go out on their big life time adventures with their first pokemon, Daniel decided to leave his family home in Castelia City behind too. Of course, while the others were leaving to meet new trainers and make memories, Daniel was really just trying to escape the loud, populated city.

    And so, on a chilly winter day he prepared to set off. Daniel had packed a drawstring bag with clothes, several black t-shirts and a pair of jeans, along with a few necessities such as food. He slung the bag over his right shoulder and headed downstairs to leave the house. Both of his parents were in the kitchen waiting for him.

    Daniel's mother extended her arms for a hug, "Don't give me that look Danny. Your not getting away without at least giving your mother a hug."

    He couldn't very well walk out than, so he did as commanded and hugged his mother. Still, she looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow, "What? You can't even give me a kiss on the cheek?" Daniel just smiled, as he stepped back from her.

    Than his father extended his hand, "Well son, your off on your own now. Remember that your mother and I love you, and if you ever need anything don't be afraid to call us."

    Daniel nodded his head, "Thanks Dad, don't worry about me too much either, I'll be fine. Well, I'm off, I love you two and will speak to you soon."

    As he headed for the door he wondered, did he lie when he told them he loved them? He didn't know if he had ever felt an emotion that generally would be considered love, but he had tolerated them for a good many years. He supposed that compared to his opinion of most people that could be called love. Also, they had given him Noaz when he was younger, and he definitely appreciated such a gift.

    Many would feel lost when they take their first steps out into the world on their own, but not Daniel. He had a goal, and it was solitude. So, even as he stepped out that door onto the streets of Castelia, he knew that his goal was route 4. The desert. What better place for someone that was as antisocial as Daniel to live. He and Riolu would find a shaded spot out in the desert where they could perhaps build a small shelter. There they could live without having too worry about crowds or annoying people.

    The streets were not overly crowded, as it was still early in the morning, and Daniel and Noaz enjoyed their quiet walk north towards the gates. Just before the gates an old homeless man was begging. Daniel, of course, ignored the bum, but the fool made a big mistake. As the two passed the man, he reached out towards them trying to get their attention, he came too close. Noaz, most likely thinking the man would grab him, or perhaps out of a shared disgust with his master, spun to face the man and kicked him straight in the chin. The poor bum flew backwards, and with a crash knocked over his shopping cart full of trash. Only it wasn’t trash in the cart, but rather the bum’s own Trubbish. As the hobo crumpled on the ground, he was undoubtedly knocked unconscious by such a forceful kick, the Trubbish, with its ears standing straight up, opened its mouth to spew poison gas. Noaz had no time, and was hit by the gas and poisoned. However, before a true battle could break out, Daniel heard police rushing towards them. There was no time.

    Daniel grabbed the reeling Noaz by the arm, and pulled him along as he ran. The police were slow but they had an arcanine with them. Daniel could not afford to stop and battle, not with the nearby Trubbish and several police officers after him. To make matters worse, the gates were closed! Daniel looked for a spot that they jump the gate, but was not surprised to find there was none. He had to think fast, as the arcanine was catching up.

    He yelled out to his companion, “Noaz! Blast through the fence, we need to get out of here!”

    The Riolu continued running before he jumped up and with a side kick flew towards the metal fence. There was a metallic screech as the chain links ripped apart. Daniel jumped in after him, not without a few scratches, and the two kept running. Fortunately, he could hear the police whistle and call the arcanine back. They would not pursue him. Still, the two kept running down route 4, making sure to put some distance between them and the city.

    The route was not in the best condition, and as Daniel was running his foot fell into a small hole, and he went tumbling forward to fall flat on his face. He was jolted by the pain, and when he tried to get up he realized how tired he was. Noaz and he had just run for at least 3 miles, in the desert no less. Daniel was drenched with sweat, and was panting quite heavily. Noaz was doing even worse than he, in the rush of things, Daniel had forgotten about the poison gas the Trubbish had sprayed on Noaz. Daniel quickly went into his bag and found a Pecha berry.

    He handed Noaz the Pecha berry, who quickly grabbed it and popped it in his mouth. He smiled, “Next time, be careful before you go around kicking people.” Then he patted Noaz on the head reassuringly, “I know you must not be feeling well, but we need to move on. It’s almost midday and the sun is going to make things quite hot here. I promise that we’ll stop and rest as soon as we find shade.”

    After chugging quite a bit of water from the canteen Daniel had slung to his hip, he finally pushed himself to stand up. Looking around, he saw that whole sections of the road were filled with similar holes to the one he himself had tripped on. It was quite strange, as earlier the roads had no holes. He wondered what might have caused it. He decided to walk on, till he could at least find a good place to rest.

    The two went for about another mile before they came across a large rock formation. There were several boulders, and one was high enough to give shade at that time of the day while he and Noaz could sit on the smaller rocks. He sat down on a large flat rock and took off his bag. As he was rummaging through it, he didn’t notice the extremely round boulder that Noaz approached to sit on. With his head half way in his bag, he suddenly heard a screech. He quickly pulled his head out just in time to see Noaz fall off the yellowish boulder as it rolled away. A couple feet away it unwrapped itself to reveal that a rough dirt colored scaled pokemon with a tail. Daniel pulled out his pokedex and looked it up. The pokedex told him that it was a sandshrew. He knew from reading its description that it must have been the cause behind the potholes. It must have been burrowing under the road causing sections to fall. Looking at the hissing creature, he also realized that a sandshrew would be the perfect desert companion for him and Noaz.

    He looked over at Noaz, worried that he might be too tired to fight, “Well buddy, you think you could take this guy on?” Noaz just smiled and ran towards the sandshrew to use the move force palm. The sandshrew used defense curl however and Noaz’s chop was deflected. Than the sandshrew uncurled and kicked sand into Noaz’s face. Noaz was able to turn his face in time and the attack missed. Daniel’s Riolu buddy used quick attack and took out the sandshrew’s legs. As the sandshrew went to get its balance, Noaz went for another force palm down onto it, but the sandshrew was able to roll to the side. It came up and jumped at Noaz, slashing him right across a cheek. Daniel could feel Noaz’s anger as he used counter and spun toward the sandshrew and kicked it over. As the Sandshrew was on the ground, Noaz jumped on top of it ready to kill.

    “STOP!!!” Daniel yelled. He wanted to catch the sandshrew, not kill it. That whole fight had been a mess, Noaz had just jumped in there without waiting for any commands from Daniel. The riolu really did need to learn some discipline, and the blame was on Daniel for never having trained him. Fortunately, Noaz had obeyed the command to stop and left the sandshrew alone. Daniel ran over to check on it, the poor thing was a bit bruised and looked tired, but he didn’t look too injured. He looked the pokemon in the eyes, they were filled with fear, “Hey buddy, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean for him too try and hurt you, you’ll be okay. I’m going to train you now, and the three of us are going to become great friends you’ll see.” With that, Daniel reached into his pocket and opened up a pokeball for the sandshrew.

    Last edited by Dzebs48; 20th June 2011 at 10:53 AM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Into the Desert

    Plot/characters/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ You have almost everything we need in an introduction. You introduced us to the main Pokemon and trainer and set up the story. But what you were lacking was a clear picture of what the main character looked like and you could have told us what the young man’s room looked like. The idea behind an introduction is to draw the reader into an immediately vivid scene that captures their attention. Here’s an example:

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    The rain was coming down in sheets of pure misery. The sense of fear and gloom mixed with the cool night air and choked any good emotions out of people. Thunder rent the air, lighting up the night sky like a fireworks show. The alley I was in was lit only be the occasional flash of lightening and the probing of the lights on the cruiser behind me.
    Characters ~ You had a hit and miss on this section. I like how you gave your main character some personality and how you gave some good information on that. You usually don’t see that development in a story this short, so good job here. What you didn’t do for your character was describe what Daniel looked like.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    Today was the day I would Castelia City and start up on my own. I was wearing some blue jeans and a plaid sweater. A drawstring bag was hung over my shoulder containing the things I would need. I covered my straight blond hair with a red cap to complete my assembly. My heritage gave my the typical look of my ancestors; blond hair, blue eyes, tall body, thick muscles and usually an abrasive personality. I got all those but the personality.
    ~ You don’t need to do what I did, I just want you to give us a description of what the guy looked like. The character development you did was spot on, be sure to continue it for future writings.


    Plot ~ This is a trouble spot. What I mean is that you did the cliche story. This is: boy walks into environment and randomly finds mon. This type of story will only work for easiest and simple ranked mon so you are fine for now. Even though you are okay for now for higher ranked mon you’ll need to change it up by adding not so straightforward plot lines. I’ll tell you what I mean.

    Example: Because of Riolu was poisoned Daniels bypasses the desert and goes to the forest to find a Paras to harvest the mushrooms off its back to heal Riolu. He then goes pas the desert and finds Sandshrew. This is just something I came up with off the top of my head. For future stories it doesn't have to be complicated for mons up to complex rank it just needs to be solid.

    Something else I noticed was that you never told us the age of the character. I assumed he was a teenager, but you don’t want to leave details like these out as it could possibly create some confusion later on.

    One last thing I’ll say about the plot had to do with the bum and Police. I understand Riolu attacking when it did based on what you wrote, but were the police randomly there or did they get called by someone? You also say the police were slow and had an Arcanine with them. Arcanine is pretty fast and I assume that the Officers are adults so wouldn’t they easily catch up to a fleeing boy and a wounded Pokemon? You’ll want to be careful of these kind of holes because they can take away from the story as well as be spots that have no bearing on the story and just seem to be in there for filler material.

    Grammar: You mostly did fine. I spotted a few consistent errors that I will point out. You also need to be careful of typos. I spotted a few that could have been spotted with a nice read over. For higher ranked mons you’ll want to read over your work at least twice to catch as many errors as possible.

    [quote=you]They just grated, annoyed him[/quote ~ You don’t need both grated and annoyed because you are using them to mean the same thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Don't give me that look Danny. You[‘re] not getting away without at least giving your mother a hug."
    ~ Simple mistake here, you contracted the words wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Still, she looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow[,] "What? You can't even give me a kiss on the cheek?"
    ~ That needs to be a period because the sentence before the dialogue is not acting upon the dialogue. If you had something like ‘said’ before then you would use a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    [Than] his father extended his hand[,] "Well son, your off on your own now. Remember that your mother and I love you, and if you ever need anything don't be afraid to call us."
    ~ The first word should be ‘then’ not ‘than’ because you are not contrasting something. The comma should also be a period. You had enough mistakes with the comma-period confusion that I don’t want to list them all. It would be better if you went back and tried to catch the mistakes yourself for better practice.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Daniel looked for a spot that they [could] jump the gate, but was not surprised to find there was none
    ~ Missing that word from the sentence.

    I noticed you didn’t capitalize a few Pokemon names, items, and attacks. You’ll need to do this as the Pokemon universe must be capitalized. For instance,

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Than the [s]andshrew uncurled and kicked sand into Noaz’s face.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    With that, Daniel reached into his pocket and opened up a [p]okeball for the [s]andshrew.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The police were slow but they had an [a]rcanine with them.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Noaz just smiled and ran towards the [s]andshrew to use the move [f]orce [p]alm.
    Where I put the brackets are where you need to capitalize. Now I didn’t mark all the mistakes, I would prefer it if you went back and did that yourself for more practice.


    Detail: You did below average here. When describing the scenes you need to take care to tell the reader what the Pokemon look like, what the characters look like, emotions, senses, Pokemon attacks, and the environment. Because you are starting out as a writer you want to start with Pokemon attacks, Pokemon, characters, and some things about the environment. I already talked about the character descriptions and you did decently on Pokemon descriptions. What you’ll need to work on is something about the environment and Pokemon attacks. I’ll give you a couple examples of what I mean.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Noaz just smiled and ran towards the [s]andshrew to use the move force palm.
    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”Use your powerful Force Palm technique,” I shouted to Noaz. The small blue hand of Riolu glowed a blinding white and strengthened as the Fighting Pokemon poured its strength into the blow.
    ~ You just don’t want to tell us what happened, you’ll have to show us what happened and how the Pokemon react to it.

    [quote=you The sandshrew used defense curl however and Noaz’s chop was deflected.[/quote]

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    The Sandshrew rolled up into a tight ball of armor as its bony, dust colored scales created a better defense against attacks. The Force Palm attack was deflected sideways from the angled plates and did less damage, but caused Sandshrew to roll away from the force of the blow.

    Length: You neared the max so good job.


    Battle: Even though you are going for a mon of this rank you’ll need a longer battle than what you had. To start, you’ll need to learn to have both Pokemon inflict attacks at an equal rate so that battle is not completely one-sided. You’ll want to act like you are not only your Pokemon (Riolu) but are the wild Pokemon as well (Sandshrew). Something i think you could have taken advantage of in the Sandshrew battle was the desert environment. Sandshrew could have easily whipped up a Sandstorm and used it to hide or battle. Something I noticed during the first battle was that Riolu got poisoned during the engagement. In the Pokemon universe steel types can’t be poisoned and do very little damage in point of fact.

    After you get the basics down of battling (even moves and environment) you can start to tackle abilities and combos.


    Overall: Captured. Your writing needs some more work to get all the basics for what the URPG requires from writers, but you did a good job for your first story. For the future attempts you need to focus on description, grammar, and a plot that is not as cliched as this one.

    @Dzebs48
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 27th June 2011 at 09:07 PM.
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