Internet: A URPG Story

Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Internet: A URPG Story

  1. #1
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Black City
    Posts
    1,764

    Default Internet: A URPG Story

    The internet is a resource, a tool that can help shape mankind. But what do we do with it? Surf pornography; learn how to make weapons, even starting up cults that are targeted towards suicidal emo kids. But what happens when the internet decides to fight back and start to target the biggest cesspool of heathens ever imagined: The URPG. This is what happens when the internet is consumed with much hatred, much rage, so much drunken, furry, and sexual elements. This was the day the internet started its purge.

    It was the summer of the year 2011. I had finished showering and had a towel around shoulders. I was so bad to look at. Brown skin, short black hair, not completely muscular but close to it. Normally, I could be listening to rap, playing basketball or heading out to score with chicks. You know, the typical thing a black male in his young adult years would do but I did what I normally do, get on the computer. After five minutes. Logging onto AOL Instant Messenger, or AIM for short, I was waiting for my friends list load up. Seeing everyone from the hyperactive cyber whore Alaskapigeon down to everyone’s favorite Mexican, Xali. My parents were enjoying the company they had brought over so I had the entire upstairs to myself. In the chat room, we talked straight nerd lingo. What special attack Porygon Z had or whether Trick Room affected Priority Moves. I switched between the chat and Bulbagarden forums just to see if anything new happened. Refreshing the page every five minutes, I then switched back to AIM, focusing on a gym battle and a chat room for a soon starting FFA, or Free For All. Leaning back in my chair, I noticed that the referee, Bumblebee, or Bee, had rolled a successful hit and won me the battle which was just in time for me to focus completely on the FFA.

    About five minutes later, Xali had posted the rules for the FFA. Everything looked fine: No Encore, No Rest or sleep moves, all generally fine...except for the special rule. The theme was Mathematics but that’s all that Xali put. We all wondered what was going on. Ten minutes later we all had sent our Pokémon’s and moves, waiting for Xali to reveal the mystery rule. After everyone had used Substitute, Xali rolled the dice and chose a Pokémon.
    The user of that Pokémon was allowed to divide by as many number of Pokémon in the FFA and KO that amount.

    “Shit." I thought to myself, switching my focus between my LCD monitor and the Flat screen on the wall. On the screen was Isaac Clarke from Dead Space2, curb stomping an alien necromorph. Quickly turning back to the screen I saw that the owner of the Pokémon was Near. No not the epic kid genius from Death Note. The crappy, fapping, homosexual Near form URPG.

    “Fucking Canadians!!!" I shouted pissed off beyond belief. He was going to fuck everything up.

    My speaker was ablaze with the pings of messages begging Near not to kill everyone. This was going to be a nightmare. Then shit really hit the fan. After combining a multiple number of swear words, three known only by sailors, he said to divide by 0. At that exact moment, all hell broke loose on my computer. First the screen gave me the Blue Screen of Death, and then it turned a stark black before flickering back to life. That was too weird. Then the real magic happened when the screen turned a sickly, ghastly green, like the color of ectoplasm. I backed up and looked around frantically as I reached for my bat but a tentacle grabbed my arm and yanked it back into the screen. My hand went into the computer screen....What the hell is this?! I tried to pull away but I couldn't as it was like quicksand. Three more went out to grab my remaining limb and forced me into the computer, my screams were never heard. The wine and loud music drowned out all music and a chance to save their son.

    I drifted into the crossroads of time and space, eyes squinting to view around me but it was too bright. I could've sworn it was Purgatory. I twisted myself around and opened my eyes fully. Groaning as I clutched my head, I turned and saw shadows approaching me. They moved awfully....Human. I rubbed my eyes and I turned to see a short girl, about in her high school years. I tilted my head and then I remembered.

    “A-Alaska?" I hesitated softly.

    “Who in the....Black guy? Damn it where the hell is my gun!" She fumed, checking to see if she had a weapon on her.

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!" I shouted, waving my hands in front of me. Sighing, I put them down.

    “It's me. Maverick? Mav?" I pleaded seeing if she would recognize me in the slightest.

    After stopping and looking me over, she basically tackle hugged me and knocked me to the ground. Pushing her off for a bit, I looked around and wondered where we were. I then saw another shadow and then another. There was a tall, almost six foot four person and another white male.

    “Buzz? Chainy?" I asked as I figured it was the only logical choice.

    “Where in bloody hell are we?"hissed Buzz in a completely stereotypical English accent.

    “I haven't the foggiest," replied Chainy in his Australian voice.

    Getting up and brushing myself off, I turned to everyone and tried to get my head straight. First of all, we needed to figure out what in the world was going on. Crossing my arms, I looked around.

    “I'd say Hell since Alaska and Buzz are here. But only two problems. One, Chainy's here and two, no fire," I said

    “Purgatory?" asked Alaska.

    “Doubt it," replied Buzz as he held his arms out in front of him and walked forward.

    Suddenly a booming voice was heard, forcing all of us to our knees. It was as if nails on chalkboards were all around us with a piercing shrill of a banshee. Groaning, I put my hands to my ears in an attempt to muffle the sound and it worked slightly. What in the world was going on? Suddenly, the noise stopped and a bright light came floating down from the surface and appearing far off from us. The flash intensified and then retracted, forming the shape of a four legged Pokémon with two elaborate rings on each side of its body.

    “Is that...Arceus?" said Alaska as she walked closer to it but was shocked by an invisible barrier. Arceus.
    The legendary Pokémon that was sought by collectors everywhere. I think Pidge had Arceus for a while. DoH too. I saw Chainy take a small step backwards as The God Pokémon floated closer. The immense rage it contained floated off of it like a bad stench. Turning to everyone else, I tilted my head towards Arceus and moved a bit closer, holding up my hands to try and calm it down.

    “Arceus? Wha-"

    “Silence you fools! I am not this Arceus of whom you speak of! I am 0110100010!" It roared loudly as it got in a charging stance.

    “Ehh I'm going to call you Arceus," I muttered softly.

    Just then, a massive bolt of electricity struck my body and pinned my body to the ground. It was like I was hit by a semi truck then beat with a Louisville Slugger, but not before being tazed in the back. Pressing both palms flat on the surface, I attempted to get myself back up. The beast still wanted revenge.

    “This URPG is an abomination to the entire world. Your talk of pedophilia, bestiality, man slaughter, hatred and rage. The horrors your stories contain and not to mention the sheer stupidity of your members. I have seen nothing like this in all my years in the internet."

    “On?" Chainy asked hesitantly

    “I have been created by the United States government in order to weed out harmful sources of malice and negativity. The URPG has amassed massive amounts of this. Since BMG is the primary cause, it shall be deleted as well and then on to the main hub, PE2K."

    “So we are basically one of the scourges if the internet?" asked Alaska.

    “Yes."

    “Fucking A," I said chuckling as I stood up.

    The Arceus AI thing growled and suddenly dark spots appeared beneath us. I looked down as hands suddenly grabbed my leg and another sprung up and pulled down on my shoulder. I turned to everyone and the same was happening to them. I struggled and pulled against them as I tried to reach the program.

    “But I am bored with my creators’ standard deletion policies. I will give you the chance to change your ways with a game I have developed especially for you."

    Snarling, I thrashed against the restraints holding me back, in complete rage. I wasn't about to let some computer program take me hostage and then kill me for some of the small things I was a part of. It was only all in fun right? Right? I turned to Arceus as my chest was beneath the black hole, a glace of spite fully enveloping my eyes.

    “Then I'm going to make you regret sparing us. No one takes me hostage toys with me!" I yelled before I saw nothing but a black abyss.

    Chirping bird and the winds soft gentle caress. The rustling of leaves and the soft overlapping of the ocean crest. The smell of fresh cut grass invaded my nostrils. It was like a hangover except three times worse. Feeling the pulsations throb in my head, I struggled and stood up gently. It was a pain as the loud chirping of birds had drove deeply into my head. What the hell had happened and more importantly, here was I? Taking a step forward, I heard a loud metal clink. I looked down to find that I was wearing bits and pieces of armor on my body. They were black with bits of gold and purple on them.

    “Why do I look like Ike?" I wondered as I flexed my hands, hearing the leather rub together on my gauntlets.

    I even had a cape but thank god no head band. The sound of a babbling broke caught my attention and I ran towards the sound as my armor clinked from my speed. Upon reaching the river and looking into the placid waters, I could barely recognize myself. Odd how such little changes could make a person different. I scooped up a handful of water with both hands and splashed the refreshing liquid in my face. The smell was quite calming and I could smell a bit of the minerals in it. After splashing water on my face two more times, I saw a handkerchief appear by the side of my face. Hesitantly looking up, there was a girl no older than seventeen looking over at me with a staff in hand. She wore a long billowing white gown with golden accents and hood covered her hair, a silver braid laid on her shoulder. The green orb of her staff sparkled in the sunlight as her azure eyes cast upon me.

    “Are you alright, good sir?" she asked as her voice came out gracefully.

    “Y-yeah," I said defensively as I took the handkerchief and dabbed my face slightly, wondering who or what she was. Being grateful, I handed it back with a smile and smiled.

    “Thank you very much. My name is...." I said as I paused to think. I guess I wouldn't use my real name in situations like this, and plus it sounds cooler.

    “Maverick miss,"

    She chuckled softly, putting her hand to her mouth in a lady-like manner. Extending her hand, she tilted her head ever so slightly and smiled.

    “I am Lady Elise."

    Considering I was wearing armor, she was carrying a staff and I could see a castle of in the distance, I figure I was in some type of medieval online game or some type of digitized world. Remembering my manners, I kissed her hand in respect and let it go. Blushing, she let it go and fidgeted with her fingers a bit. I chuckled and turned around to try and figure out where I am.

    “Ehh you wouldn’t happen to know where or when I am?” I asked, hoping she won’t say I’m in 1191.

    “You’re in 1191, good sir.”

    Fuuuuck. Groaning, stood up and remembered every bit of info that was shoved at me. So in ancient medieval times, next to what looked like a princess and stuck in the middle of a forest. What the fuck? Arceus had sent me here
    As we approached the town, I gazed at all of the sights and sounds. Lute players and the banging of a hammer on hot steel. The smells really did smell like I expected it to. Just like 1192. Pigs and hay lay around as horses made their casual droppings.

    I groaned as I turned to a local pub where someone was apparently getting thrown out. A girl no older than fifteen, wearing a long silk blue robe adorned with golden accents. Really short as well. She was burning one alive as the others tossed her out shouting odd words at her.

    “Alaska?" I said as she turned towards me.

    “Maverick? MAV! Check out what I stole!" she said as she pulled out a red book written in an odd language.

    “So you're friends with a mage?" Elise said with a smile.

    “Umm sure let’s say the- wait a mage? So is that how you were burning that guy alive?" I asked as I looked at the book myself, unable to read the symbols.

    She was wearing a light red cloak along with standard medieval clothing along with thigh high boots. Her pants were adorned with leather straps the connected in a crisscross pattern.

    “Yeah! Apparently I can read this old language and burn the living crap out of things!" she said excitedly. As a mage, Alaska's brain was hardwired with a certain extra brain function that enabled her to see the symbols in actual words. Sort of like how Spanish people understand other Spanish people or how autistic kids see the world in a different way. At least someone can read it and that's all that mattered.

    I just shook my head and tossed the book back at her, turning around to hear another set of commotion coming from a massive stone building. It looked very odd as a massive crowd was carrying torches and pitchforks. Standard mob formation. Yawning, I walked over to see what was going down. There was a lot of massive chatter about some giant or troll that was terrorizing the eastern sector. This seemed like the perfect chance to test out some new skills.

    “We must destroy this new menace so we can reclaim our lands!” yelled the mercenary in charge,

    “Yeah!!” shouted the mob.

    “Who among you has the courage to face this new menace with a steely grit?!”

    The crowd went silent and there was small chatter debating it. Most weren’t up to the task of being bludgeoned to death...or eaten. This was my chance.

    “I’ll do it!!” I shouted out, jumping up and down while looking like an idiot.

    The man just looked at me with an odd look, wondering just who in the hell was I. Being dressed in full armor didn’t exactly help either. Raising an eyebrow, he motioned me up to the wooden plate form and gave me the floor. I stared at a hundred people with pitchforks and torches. Reminded me of the South all over again. Being black didn’t exactly help either. I turned to everyone and gave them a decent smile since I hated talking in public.

    “So...I’ll take care of this troll problem you got here...hehe trolls...but yeah I can handle this,”


    “Psst...don’t forget to charge them,” Alaska whispered in my ear, causing me to flinch.

    “Eh yeah, and I need a weapon and how do I find this troll. Do you have a guide?” I said

    The man nodded and walked towards a wooden shack, entering and rummaging around for something. After ten minutes, he exited with a light glowing being on his shoulder. The light flared up and dissipated while revealing a white, circular Pokémon, with white, puffy sections on the top of its head and two leaves on each side. I hummed that theme where you find an item in the Legend of Zelda.

    “Maverick found a Cottonee!” Alaska said excitedly.

    “This Cottonee will aid you in your quest to slay the troll. And your instrument of destruction,”

    Two armored soldiers appeared and handed me a Great Sword, the blade almost bigger than me but oddly light. I gripped the hilt and swung in a wide arc. The wind gathered and extinguished the flames of the multiple torches that were lit. The crowd watched in awe as they turned back to me. My ego was so inflated right now. I turned to the Cottonee and smiled.

    “Are you ready to do work?”

    “Cot. Cottonee!” It said as it floated all around me excitedly. That was all I needed to hear. Hopping down from the stage, I gave a nod to the man and Cottonee lead the way, followed by Alaska and Elise. A bystander came up to the mercenary and looked out towards us as we were leaving.

    They both gave us a wave good bye.

    “Think they’re going to make it?"

    “They dead,” He said as he gave us a smiling wave
    We traversed into the woods as quietly as possible, hoping to avoid any types of conflict on the way. Knowing Alaska, she would just burn the woods down if she was too excited.
    “It's a huge forest Maverick." Alaska said as we were nearing a massive cave.

    “I think you can mark that down under the file: SHIT I ALREADY KNOW," I said wryly as possible.

    The priestess only giggled as the Cottonee perched itself on her shoulder. I was looking along the outer edges of the cave and saw massive scratch marks all along the sides. I ran my metal plated hand along the edges and saw that they were fairly deep gouges.

    “Err last time I checked, trolls don't have claws,"

    “Yeah, only Memes..,"
    Alaska voiced dejectedly, Elise looking at us quiet confused. Turning to the pitch black darkness, I heard a loud thump. The bad kind of thumping. Stepping backwards, reached towards my side
    and grasped the hilt of my blade. I was going to have to fight this out. My boot dug into the firm earth beneath me as I put on a determined face.

    “Alaska, take Elise and give me some cover over there,"
    I ordered, pointing to a group of tree in the northeast.

    The area I stood in was free of brush and anything flammable. The thumping got bigger so both girls ran towards the area I told them and waited. Then I saw it, two giant red eyes glaring at me. It freaked me out to no end. Knowing my luck, I'd be facing Groudon or Rayquaza. Oh well, death can only be as glorious as you make it.

    Heavy, raspy breaths were heard as the monster revealed itself. It had to have been the biggest Scrafty I have ever seen in my life. I mean, this thing was the size of my house, for Arceus' sake. This was going to be horrible. The Scrafty carried a massive tree trunk and was definitely not afraid to use it. Glaring at me, it brought the trunk above its head and swung it at me in an arc. Anticipating the move, I jumped out if the way and moved into a roll. Hefting the blade up, I prepared to charge when suddenly another thumping was heard.

    “Please let it not be two of them," I muttered as I kept my eye on the Scrafty who seemed to want to kill me after such a short meeting. How sweet. I sidestepped and waited for the next attack but the Scrafty wasn’t interested in me at all. It was look almost beyond me in a sense but what I always was taught about fighting was to never turn around in fight. I probably should have as a massive dragon hopping over me and roaring like a mad man. It was navy blue all over except its bright red skull.

    “Drudiggion?” I yelled as it growled and grasped the Scrafty, matching it in complete height. I just stared in awe. Was every Pokémon in this universe super sized? Alaska peeked out from the bushes and shouted at me, telling me to get my ass into gear. I nodded and turned towards the cave. It was shelter from this massive battle and I could get a better vantage point. I ran towards the giants in full sprint, making no avail to the destruction they were causing. The tree trunk landed right in front of me but it was only a hurdle as I jumped over it. The two barely noticed me as I sneaked inside of the cave and looked around hoping to find something. Looking back, I saw Alaska casting fireballs at the two but with her skill they didn’t do much. Cottoned was helping its best too as it shot out multiple Razor Leafs at the dueling Pokémon. Why were those two battling it out? I had no clue but I searched the small space for answers. Just darkness and Pokémon eggs. Pokémon eggs?!

    I ran over to them and found four light brown eggs resting by a nest. Three of the eggs had already hatched as three helpless Scraggy eyeing me intently while the other egg was shaking and has a few cracks and shaking quite a bit.They seemed oddly small despite the giant Scrafty out on the field. I hefted one up and headed towards the exit. I watched dust rise up from the stomping and the clawing the two were doing. Now how would I would get out of here without causing alarm? Well my natural instinct told me to sneak out but by the time that thought came, I was screaming like hell with the Scraggy egg in my hand yelling “RUN!” Alaska looked at me with a weird look and so did Elise. I didn’t stop as I ran past them, not stopping for a second.

    “Maverick!? What about the Scrafty!”

    “Screw that! I got the real prize!” I yelled back.

    She shook her head and turned back and saw that the Scrafty was charging at them like a mad bull. The mother was very angry. They both followed suit as we ran towards the river. I groaned at the thought but had no other choice but to jump in. Alaska and Elise came up from behind but didn’t stop as they ran me into the lake. It was beyond freezing and the water was rushing like crazy. We saw the Crafty yell in rage as we drifted further and further away. The Drudiggion tackled it and began to vicious bit at its neck.

    “Thank you!” I yelled back at it as I tore in to the reddish meat.

    “Well that can’t get any..,” That was all I could hear as Alaska’s voice over the crashing of the waterfall.

    “Ohh shit…,” I muttered as I was still holding on to the egg as we all went over the sixty foot tall Waterfall. It was a long way down, a very long way down. I blacked out a bit on the way down as heights and I don’t usually mix. I then just felt cold. Really cold. When I awoke, I found myself lying on a silken garment, coughing up whatever remains of water that was left in my lungs. Groaning, I got up and staggered a bit. I looked myself over and saw that most of my armor fragments were gone as well as my sword. Those were replaceable but the egg wasn’t. I looked around frantically and found Alaska talking to Elise, fearing what type of corruption she would be feeding her. The Cottonee was perched on Alaska's shoulder and watched everything.

    “Hey Maverick, this chick knows her religion arguments!” she quipped, causing Elise to blush.

    “Oh...well tis just a simple theory of the concept of a divine being against the other concepts that essentially that mimic it yet stay true to their own cultures and economics,"

    I could’ve sworn women weren’t allowed to read in this time. Shaking off that thought, I walked up to them and saw Elise had the Scraggy egg in her lap. I was going to ask if we could sell it but suddenly it began to start glowing. I had to shield my eyes as the bright light intentionally flared up and then died down. On her lap was a fresh born Scraggy, acting all happy in its derp like demeanor. I turned to Alaska and then we both turned to Elise, who was cradling the Scraggy like a mother would. I would say I wanted to catch it but realistically, I had no Pokeballs so I had to let her keep it.

    “So…now what?” Alaska asked, Elise looking up at me as well.

    “The next town…and the next adventure,”
    I said as I stretched my muscles and let the warm sun bask on my face. It was time to go and raise some hell.


    Ready for Grading:

    Pokemon Attempted: Scraggy and Cottonee

    20K

    Character Count (With Spaces):22,052
    Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 6th August 2011 at 09:25 AM.

  2. #2
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Internet: A URPG Story

    I guess I'll claim this. x]

  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Internet: A URPG Story

    I'm pumping these grades out like a baws.

    Introduction: Okay, so you just draw the reader into the story through an explanation of some of the uses of the internet. However, to make your introduction more full and explanatory - since this is an explanation of the internet - you can say HOW the internet was helping to shape mankind. Of course, it doesn't have to be something completely factual, but it can at least be plausible. You did set the theme for the story (just in case someone hadn't read the title and couldn't have guessed what it's about) - the internet, of course, and some kind of purge. Of course, with what you said about the internet fighting back against the URPG, we can almost be sure that the story's going to be revolving around this theme.

    Something to draw attention to - people will go off a story if one of the first things they notice is a grammatical/flow error. Your introduction - at the beginning, at least - is the only thing you have to actually make the readers the tiniest bit interested in your story, at least enough to read on. If they see or notice an error which they don't like very much, they'll ask themselves what's going on - patient people will continue on, but some people might think that they shouldn't bother wasting their time reading something that could potentially just be half-put together. Of course, that's not always the case, but a lot of readers have high expectations grammar-wise when trying to get into a story. Just a little thing to note for future stories.

    Plot: Quick breakdown - the internet/USA government wants rid of URPG, so they send this 101010 thing to override the computers of users of URPG and take them into this strange nexus of interwebz and the like... and then banishes them to some wondrous place for bad behaviour? Sure, it was an "opportunity for them to change their ways", but that would generally have meant for them to be banished to a horrible place or whatever, which would shape them into the beings that they should be instead of all this namby-pamby FREEDOM. Of course, I don't really have a problem seeing as it's all your ideas and such, but maybe it would have made more sense to have done what I had suggested. I wouldn't ask you to rewrite your story because of me, though. >_>;

    Anyhoo, the plot was original, and would certainly be enough for just one of the Pokémon you had written for - but you wrote for two, which means that grading will be harder on you since two Mediums are practically a Hard. You had good ideas for the plot, but you didn't piece them together well and there were a few plot-holes here and there - why was it that Chainy and Buzz weren't encountered in the virtual world of 1911? How exactly do you get sucked through a computer screen? - explanations simply like "it's magic!" can be suitable without seeming half-assed about it, but an explanation should be put out for everyone, or at least a bit of foreshadowing. Again, there are more questions put out there - why was it that Alaska could read the odd language? How could the Arceus programmed with deletion policies gain a mind of its own and decide to send you somewhere else?

    Of course, since this is in the first person, the main character wouldn't know everything about this - or, understandably, anything. Again, the main character could guess at these things, at least in the diary-esque way since he would have had time to ponder over these things. The way things moved along through the story were also quite nice, and it's one of the better things you have going for you when you write stories, although moving things along smoothly is an easy concept once you've gotten the hang of it.

    Grammar/spelling: Okay, here I'm going to repeat a lot of the things I said to you last time. Your grammar/spelling isn't exactly the best, nor is it the worst, but it could be better if you took the time to proofread your stories - it really seems that you don't, to be honest.

    First, commas and usage. Independent clause is a sentence which can stand on its own as it is a complete thought, and a dependent clause relies on another as it cannot be on its own in a sentence. Two independent clauses can be joined together with a word conjunction such as and, for, etc. Two dependent clauses or a dependent clause and an independent clause are joined by commas. I'll give you an example from your story to let you see what I'm talking about.

    Incorrect:
    I mean this thing was the size of my house for Arceus sakes.

    Correct:
    I mean, this thing was the size of my house, for Arceus' sake.
    Not the best example, but you get the gist of it. 'I mean' does not have a subject, so it's not a complete sentence and thus needs to be joined to the sentence with a comma. Same goes for 'for Arceus' sake'.
    Secondly, you seem to jump around in tenses a lot. In a story, stick to one tense - period. No jumping around, as it will confuse the reader and deter them from reading onwards and it makes your story generally mixed-up and of worse quality than you would have wanted it. For example, near the start you have this:

    Incorrect:
    After everyone had uses Substitute, Xali rolled the dice and choose a Pokémon.

    Correct:
    After everyone had used Substitute, Xali rolled the dice and chose a Pokémon.
    I don't know what happened here, to be honest with you. You've changed the tense twice in one sentence. After everyone would first indicate that the sentence is past tense, as it should be seeing as most short stories are written in the past tense... but you go ahead and put in a present tense part of a verb. Also, after 'Xali rolled' he 'choose' a Pokémon, which firstly isn't right for a third-person description of him doing the verb, but it's also present tense straight after a past tense verb. Watch out for tense switches.
    Dialogue errors - not too many, but something to get your attention. Split dialogue up into their own separate paragraphs, because in some places you've had them squashed together, which detracts from your story's layout. Secondly, when addressing someone in speech, put a comma before/after their name. Thirdly, if someone asks a question or exclaims something, the pronoun of the thing which is speaking is not capitalised unless it's a proper noun, seeing as the sentence doesn't end with the dialogue. Lastly, a comma is used when someone is described as actually speaking, but a full stop is used when someone's speaking, but you don't describe them with an actual dialogue tag.

    The last one is more of a stylistic thing, but it's your use of ellipses. You use them far too often, when they should only be used sparingly in a story to help create tension or to show when someone's trailing off. Also, even when you do use ellipses, keep them strictly to three dots, which is what an ellipse is. We don't need five to ten dots to show that there's tension.

    There are a few more errors, but I don't want to overload you with information. Please proofread in the future.

    Detail/description: Your description was fine, with a few stylistic errors here and there. However, the basic things were missing - how did the new world smell to him? How did the armour or whatever he was wearing feel against his skin? Sensory description is needed in most cases, although I'm not asking you to describe everything down to the last strand of grass in a field, as over-describing things is kinda bad and halts all the liveliness of a story. You didn't capture emotions so well in this story - the only thing I noticed you did get quite well was confusion as to everything going on in your story. Try to flesh out surroundings, emotions and characters a bit more - Alaska, Chainy and Buzzer could have been shapeless blobs for all I could tell in this story.

    Just sayin', but try to avoid using the word 'said' so much in dialogue tags. Everything is 'said' in this story - there's barely any other thing you've inserted into a dialogue tag rather than 'said'. Repetition of things like these can make your story seem a little bland.

    (By the way, 'Crafty' is supposed to be 'Scrafty'. x])

    Battle: A medieval-esque dragon battle, only with Pokémon inserted instead of a dragon. What I didn't get was how Maverick was so good in battle at this stage - he had only been brought into the world, but yet he was fighting like a soldier and he didn't seem awkward with his sword at all - just a little realism error with the battle of course, no big deal really. You can see by now how explanation can go a long way in stories, especially when put in at the right moments. Of course, the battle didn't last long, and for good reason - he probably would have died if he had stayed there for long. But no, he fled from the battle with a Scraggy egg (which seemed to have hatched far too soon, unless they were already close to hatching - in which case you could have described the egg as riddled with cracks and the like, I guess... or shaking like a crazy thang).

    Length: MEH, it's good enough for your purposes.

    Outcome: Cottonee and Scraggy are not captured. Read over your work and fix the grammatical errors, fill in those plot-holes that I pointed out and flesh out characters, emotions and scenery with some descriptive words. I won't ask you to tweak the plot simply because I know how difficult it would be to rewrite a story.

    Feel free to PM/AIM me whenever you feel that the story is ready for a regrade.

  4. #4
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Internet: A URPG Story

    Regrade:
    This is gonna be kind of short, but okay, sure.

    We've talked on AIM for a bit, but I'm still going to have to say they're not captured. I've been trying to explain all the grammar errors to you, but you WILL have to proofread if you want to fix it up - by that I mean reading the whole story over yourself and saying, "Hm, does this look right?" in places where I've pointed out are wrong. You've basically fixed the things I've explicitly told you to fix, which is bordering lazy at this point. If you want either of the 'mons at least fix up the majority of your grammar - it still looks really borderline, I'm sorry to say, and I can keep failing because not fixing stuff which I've been trying to explain to you isn't cool at this stage. I'm sorry to come off harsh - I know how hard it is to fix a story after you've gone to the bother of writing it, but I suppose you'll have to learn how.

    Also, the description is still so-so, although the plotholes which I pointed out are great now. [; I want to see you add a bit more description to your story rather than the few you've added in. So, fix grammatical errors and add in a LOT more description and you're good to go.

  5. #5
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Internet: A URPG Story

    Regrade AGAIN.

    I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised. You've fixed more than 90% of the grammatical errors and there's a lot more description there. Both are now captured.

    Write like I've forced you to in the future! ;D

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •