Indigo Time (First Chapter)(Grading Needed!)
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  1. #1
    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Indigo Time (First Chapter)(Grading Needed!)

    Chapter one vs. Elekid

    Indigo swung around on his expensive, black, leather swivel chair thinking to himself. Those pictures, they were a hoax, nothing more. Yes, the mere thought of it was ludicrous. A space virus Pokémon? One that morphs its form? Deoxys, really? He knew that there was space Pokémon out there, cleffa’s line being one of the more well known. But one that was an adapting space virus? That was two queer and improbable, even though Pokémon like trubbish did exist.
    Indigo was a youth of 14 years, having decided to wait before getting his trainer’s license, wanting to know full well what he was getting into. They were rare, but there were tales of ten year olds, fresh out with their first Pokémon, getting critically injured by being foolish or even killed. Although the death of little Mike Hinklebuckle was a real shock, not to mention it made the newspapers prove what eager, ravenous beasts they were. A boy, only ten, killed when his head was caved in by a nidoking? Cor, it’s Christmas!

    Indigo had an average build, although among a group of people his age, he would be slightly taller than them, but not by much. His eyes were blue, although some contacts meant that it looked like there were some dice in there. He had a nose that was very prominent and he was bullied about it at school. From what he knew, the leader of the group was now on life support, since he decides it would be a good idea to play, lets-throw-rocks-at-a-crogunk-while-its-mother-watchs-and-oh-crap. Seeing his previous tormenter like that, still as a statue, all those wires and monitors, those tubes and devices. Doctors said they would be able to take him off them in two months’ time, but it would take about a year for him to walk again and stop vomiting five times a day.
    Indigo had brown hair, which went down to his ears and had a short ponytail at the back. He had a long neck and you could see the veins on his face with ease. He was a loner and the hours spent inside and away from people had meant two things; firstly he was hopeless a sports, which was unfortunate considering where he lived when he went to school had the policy that if you didn’t spend every waking second practicing for sports, then you were just a piece of scum and getting shouted out for missing the ball was a way “building character”. Secondly, he lacked social skills, never having any real friends, since he was the freak, that strange kid who didn’t do sports yet could name all the scientific names of over 300 Pokémon by heart. When he was trapped at his aunt’s for the weekend, listening to elm drone on about Pokémon classification and their name origins was certainly more appealing than “Hey, Indigo let’s play scrabble,”. He knew enough social skills to get by, please, thank you, no I would not like some new windows thanks you kindly sir (how to hell did they get his number?). He was wearing the same clothes he often did, a t-shirt with a master ball on the front and jeans, held by a dragtini belt. He lived on his own, in a small house with two bedrooms; one used for storage the other he slept in. There was small kitchen that was part of the dining room, a bathroom and a living room. How did he, a 14 year old without a job afford the rent of such a place? Mr Kengrotle, who for an ironic joke, had selected a chimchar as his starter. Indigo looked around his bed room.

    It was a small room, yet not so small that he his claustrophobia would play up. It had a metal framed single bed, with a periodic table blanket and two second hand treecko pillows that had the stench BO cling to them like a golbat to blood. There was a desk with a computer, several bobble headed Pokémon figures and a pot containing some stationary equipment, most of which were pencils which gleefully broke whenever the graphite scraped some paper. He had a small cupboard towards the back of the room, which contained his clothes and another one which contained lots of training supplies. He also had small bookshelf near his bed, which contained mostly novels from the Respono Rebbala series, of which there was massive 30 books, plus several spin offs and five graphic novels, some of which skipped vital plot points, which was why they were mostly hated by the fans. What was the time? 2:00 pm and the day was Sunday, meaning he had a full day to get for training. He packed several pokeballs, a couple of potions, a vs seeker and a fuel heal into his backpack. He then got his two Pokémon, still inside their pokeballs, and clipped to his belt. He was just burning for a battle.

    The town where Indigo lived was one of those towns with one of those names that was just a mix of continuants, a vowel maybe and an apostrophe stuck in the middle just to annoy people. The town he lived in was called Pinkopzr’koszt. Or was it PonKerp’kontsz. Or maybe it was, never mind. He looked around the familiar setting, shivering slighting, having misjudged how cold it would be.
    The town was a relatively large, divided into four districts, the gym in one, the contest hall in one, a battle tent in one and a Pokémon department store in the other. Indigo lived in the gym district, which was the smallest one. The town had a small population, with lots of wide open spaces outside, perfect for exercise. There was a lack of roads in the area and it was a rare sight to see a car pass by. The people here enjoyed a quiet lifestyle, and there was a low crime rate. There had however been some reports in the newspaper about some shady characters moving in and out of the abandoned warehouse, but most people dismissed the characters as teenagers mucking around. There was a pokemon centre about ten minutes away from his house and his favourite training spot, which he started to head towards. As he walked down the path he saw boy that looked the same age as him standing in the path, flipping a coin in his hand. Indigo held up his VS seeker and flick it on. The small, blue device bleeped quickly and boy turned around, so Indigo could get a better look at him. He was slightly shorter than him, with curly ginger hair that was hidden by his cap. He was of an average build and was wearing a plain white t-shirt, a sleeveless jacket clad on top of it. He took out his ear phones and turned to face Indigo. The boy grinned, stepping towards him.
    “Hello! My name is Donald and I want to beat the eight Pokémon gyms. Have you got any gym badges? What’s your name,” He exclaimed, waving his arms about.
    “My name is Indigo and I have no gym badges,” Indigo snapped startled by Donald’s energy.
    Donald stepped back, taken aback by Indigo’s sharp words.
    “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been waiting to see what a gym badge looks like,” Donald whimpered.
    “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. Want to battle, 1 on 1?”
    It occurred to Indigo that this was one of the longest conversations he had held with another person and the boy was a stranger at that. Could then become… friends? He doubted it, nobody had ever chosen him as friend before and that had made him wary about whom he spent time with.
    “1 on 1? Sure, just don’t cry when you lose!” Donald taunted, but Indigo could see it was a friendly one.
    Indigo took a pokeballs off his belt, pressed it so it expanded in his hand and, with a flick of his wrist, sent it hurtling through the air, until it burst open.
    “Bee, bee,” The Elekid exclaimed, spinning its arms around in a wild arc.

    Donald looked the Pokémon over, one he had never seen before. It had an oval body, with two ears on the top with looked like a plug outlet. It had two, short, thick arms and it was spinning them both at insane speeds, making electricity crackle between its ears. It was yellow coloured, with black stripes running down its torso, reminding him of a bumblebee. It had two short legs and when it opened its mouth he could see a couple of sharp teeth. He got his pokedex out. The voice spoke out in its usual calm manner.
    “Elekid the lightning Pokémon.
    It spins its arms around to charge up powerful electrical attacks, but cannot store the charged energy. The pre-evolved form of Electabuzz. Rarely found in the wild, but can be found in power plants and urban areas where there is plenty of electrical energy,”
    “An electric type? Hmm, let’s see how you handle this! Go, Bulbasaur!”
    “Saur!” The Pokémon said as it burst forth from its ball.
    The Pokémon stood on all fours and had a greeny-blue colour across its body. It went up to about Donald’s thigh, including the bulb on its back. It had a dinosaur like look, with its triangle face and rough sounding voice. It had wide, clawed feet and a bulb on its back, which was swaying slightly. Indigo got his own pokedex out and frowned.
    “Bulbasaur, the seed Pokémon. It feeds itself by using the bulb on its back and sunlight. Said bulb can be used in several powerful attacks, such as solarbeam. Rare in the wild and given away as a starter Pokémon. The pre-evolved form of Ivysaur,”
    “Elekid! Charge attack!” Indigo commanded.
    Elekid spun its arms around even faster and its entire body began to crackle with electricity.
    “Now’s our chance! Bulbasaur use vine whip to conduct the electricity away from you!” Donald shouted, jumping up and down.
    The thunder shock hit the vines and Bulbasaur placed them on the ground, making the charge fizzle away harmlessly. Indigo paused, wondering what to do now his attacks were limited. He held his hand up to stop the battle and got his pokedex out, inserting some headphones into them so his opponent couldn’t here. He scanned Elekid with a green light.
    “Know moves: Charge, thundershock, tackle, growl, thunderpunch, icepunch, fire punch,” The dex said in its monotone voice.
    The three elemental punches? His Elekid knew them? How did it? That didn’t matter; all that mattered was getting a fire punch into Bulbasaur’s face. He signalled to let Donald know that the match had resumed.
    “Bulbasaur! Use bullet seed!” Donald commanded, watching as his Pokémon got on its hind legs and sent a shower of seeds at its adversary.
    Elekid dodged gracefully out of the way, before letting out a triumphant “Be!”
    “Bulbasaur use your vines to toss it!”

    Indigo grinned, why Donald had just surrendered! Bulbasaur wrapped its vines around Elekid’s waist. It then lifted the Pokémon up, getting ready to swing it into oblivion.
    “Elekid! Use thundershock!”
    The bolt of electricity went down Bulbasaur’s vine, stunning it.
    “But how?” Donald gasped, looking at his stunned Bulbasaur.
    “Always keep a little bit left over. Now Elekid! Use the vine and fire punch it!”
    Donald could only stand there with his mouth wide open as his Bulbasaur received a conflagration of fistful fire flung into its face. Bulbasaur fainted, rolling over onto its bulb. Donald called his Pokémon back, just in time to see a sinister looking figure appear with a pokeball in his hand. Without her face showing emotion, she flung a pokeball forward.
    “Go Houndour. Burn him,”
    Indigo watched in horror as the dog like Pokémon let a stream of fire out of its mouth, directly at Donald.

    Last edited by Squeaky the sixth; 1st May 2012 at 01:09 PM.
    Smart enough to use forth in the wrong context
    Claims: Metagross and Travis Touchdown

  2. #2

    Default Re: Indigo Time (First Chapter)(Grading Needed!)

    You, good sir, are going to be my first grade.

    Prepare for the grading of a lifetime.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Indigo Time (First Chapter)(Grading Needed!)

    Indigo Time (First Chapter)

    Sorry about the delay! I was really anxious about this, and wanted to make sure I did a good job on my first grading.

    @Squeaky the Second

    Intro: The beginning of the story is interesting, not your standard catch story. I'm interested in what the "space virus" Pokemon is, and I wish it had been better explained in the opening, especially explaining why it was so improbable. Everything you say about it you immediately counteract with evidence of Pokemon that can do the same thing. Simply repeating, "but a space virus" doesn't help me understand why this is so strange. It would have helped to dive right into why it's such an impossible being.

    I was also very interested in this impossible being, but it's not mentioned anywhere else in the chapter. It seems fairly pointless, at least for this chunk of the story (though I'm sure it will be relevant for later on). You should probably take it out from here, and move it to chapter 2 or 3, wherever you spend a chapter discussion this outer space creature.

    You did, however, introduce your character Indigo very well. However, you do add a few things that aren't necessary, such as: "From what he knew, the leader of the group was now on life support, since he decides it would be a good idea to play, lets-throw-rocks-at-a-crogunk-while-its-mother-watchs-and-oh-crap. Seeing his previous tormenter like that, still as a statue, all those wires and monitors, those tubes and devices. Doctors said they would be able to take him off them in two months’ time, but it would take about a year for him to walk again and stop vomiting five times a day." This is all about the bully, who isn't very important. It would be important if Indigo had somehow caused this to occur, but the stupidity of his bully isn't important. Still, you tell us a lot about him. We know what he looks like, though the phrase, "His eyes were blue, although some contacts meant that it looked like there were some dice in there" confused me. I don't know what that is suppose t mean. He's cautious, quiet, likes to be alone, and smart enough to know he wasn't athletic enough to go on a Pokemon journey as a kid. You have a nice, awkward genius character. I like those.

    Plot: I'm a little disappointed in the plot. You set up this wonderful, interesting intro, and interesting character, but then it just degrades into a battle, and the chapter ends. What about the creature from space? Why did you cut off in the middle of the battle? Nothing really happens, except for half of a battle, a lot of backstory. I feel like you were really getting into writing it, and then noticed you had more than enough characters and stopped.

    Detail/Description: Your detail and description was very good. Like I said in the intro, you do occasionally add parts that aren't necessary to the story. Think about what you want the reader to know, and why you want them to know it, and you'll do fine. If your reason for wanting the reader to know is just something like, "I think it's cool", don't put it in. Or, if you really like the idea, write a different story around it, where it is important.

    Grammar/Mechanics: This isn't entirely grammar, but, online, it makes it a lot easier to read if you hit enter twice when you start a new paragraph. You missed a spelling error or two, but all in all your grammar was fine.

    Length: You're good on length.

  4. #4
    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Indigo Time (First Chapter)(Grading Needed!)

    First of all I understand that the plot may have been a little bland. I plan to release new captures to expand the plot. I choose a simple Pokemon because I wouldn't have to get into a massivliy deep plot just yet. I've got an idea in my head, but it will likely change my ideas with time. I got my grammar right mostly? Yeah baby. Two spelling errors, better than normal I suppose. About the space virus pokemon, I'll expand it during the next chapter. Too much detail, yeah I know, I won't add to much detail that I relevent anymore (I might write a couple of fanfictions)

    Don't worry about being late.

    Thanks for grading :)
    Smart enough to use forth in the wrong context
    Claims: Metagross and Travis Touchdown


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