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  1. #1
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    I lowered my head, my face burring with shame. The head of our tribe looked at me, with a mix of shame and anger in her eyes. The rest of the tribe looked on, whispering. I saw my older brother looking at the ground, he didn’t make eye contact with me. I couldn’t blame him. The head walked until she was right in front of me. She towered over me, and rose her voice


    “This Scraggy, named Scrag, has been charged with the crimes of stealing food, knowingly disobeying the rules and leading a large threat against the tribe. As our law dictates he it to be exiled, unless the exiled would like to challenge the head to a duel.” She looked down at me. I violently shook my head, being exiled from our territory was bad enough, and I’ve rather keep my pants on. Our head was a Scrafty, and no one could beat her, that’s why she was the head. There were a few other Scrafty in our tribe like my big brother.


    “So be it,” our head said “Leave our territory,” She turned to the rest of the tribe

    “And if Scrag ever returns, he is to be called an enemy and treated as such.” The rest of the tribe nodded, and the head pointed towards the large rock which marked the end of our territory. I slowly walked towards then past the rock.


    I heard the tribe leaving the border. I walked for a little bit more, the sandstorm throwing bits of grit into my face. I guess I have some explaining to do. I come from a small tribe of Scraggys and Scraftys, called the Sandwind tribe. I'm a Scraggy, if you haven't guessed by now. I have Two big eyes, with a large mouth. the top of my head has a read scale on top. Most of my head is yellow, and below the mouth, is cream colored. I have a red scaled belly, and two arms with three fingered hands. I have a yellow bit of skin on the lower part of my body, we call them "Pants". It covers my feet, and forms into a tail like thing.


    We live in small caves in a large desert. I was exiled because I broke the rules three times in one moon cycle. First I took some food, it was very little, but food was scarce, and I was punished. The last two go hand in hand. Has someone ever told you that you couldn’t do something, and you just have to? Well we were always told never to go to the area with the old castle. Humans call it Desert Resort, or that’s what I’ve been told. So I went there, and guess what I did? I got the attention of a Sigilyph, one that knew miracle eye at that. It followed me back to our caves had been attacking our tribe ever since. So for all that I was exiled.


    “Wait up little bro!” I turned to see my big brother running towards me.


    “What are you doing here, big brother?” I said. I had walked quite a bit from the border, and was not excepting anyone, even my bother to come after me.


    “I just wanted to give you some advice,” he informed me.


    “I can’t be away for long though. There’s a large human city to the south. I think you should try to get there.” I nodded.


    “Which way is it?” I asked. My brother pointed to what I guessed was the south


    “Thank you.” I said.


    “I will miss you,” my brother said


    “Why do you have to be such an idiot?” I hugged him. “Stop that, you want to be a big Scrafty someday right?” I nodded


    “Then let go. I have go now” and with that he left me in the desert, alone.

    I wish I could say I was brave, that I let nothing scare me. The truth is that I cried like a little girl once my brother left. I started walking south, until something jumped out at me. It was small and like an alligator, a sandile. It grinned at me.


    “A little far from home, eh lunch?” It said “Just come a little closer.” It started crawling towards me. I screamed, and then ran. Then I tripped over a Dwebble.


    “Watch it bro,” It said. I think it may have said something else, but I was a little to busy to care. I went on running until I found a small rock, with a bit of space underneath. I ran to it, and curled in the space. After a few minutes I fell into sleep.


    When I woke up it was day. I had no idea where I was. I went out from out of the rock, and looked around. I saw rocks, sand, and a human. A human, that I would be able to follow to the city that brother mentioned! I ran at him, only to duck behind a rock before he saw me. He may be a trainer and I wasn’t ready for any fights. I followed him for a bit. He went down a small path, a road that the other humans were making. It was out of our territory, so it didn’t really affect us. After a bit he went into a small shack. I was on a much more solid road now, and I had a feeling that it lead to the city, so I followed it.


    Soon the road had ended, and a large expanse of building rose before me. There were so many humans here as well! I did the thing that comes by naturally: hide under a bench. From my hiding place I could see the area. It was there was a fountain in the center of the area, with some trees on the outside of the cement; a few benches were also along the outside rim as well. People seemed to be flowing around the area, hurrying to and from different places. I had never seen so many humans before. A man was walking towards my hiding spot, I didn’t know if he was coming because he saw me, or just wanted to sit. I decided not to risk it, and ran down one of the streets.


    I had decided to stay to the side of the street. The humans were too busy running somewhere that I went unnoticed. I saw a large group of humans around a stand. I decided to investigate. The humans would hand something green to another human on the other side of a counter, and then the human on the other side would give the human a white pile of something on a brown thing. The human would then lick the white part as they walked away. I figured that I was food.


    I had always wondered what human food was like, and one girl had just got one. I ran at the girl, jumped up, and snatched the food away. The girl looked surprised, and made a graving motion towards me, but missed. I ran back up the street I had used and risked a glance behind me. The girl was chasing me. I ran to the area that had the bench that I had hid under in it. I made a beeline for the nearest tree. I was a good climber, one of my few skills. I was up the tree and out of the girls reach.


    I got a good look at her from up here, she had Black hair that was going down to her shoulders, and brown eyes. She was wearing a light green T-shirt with a pink flower on it, and a dark green skirt. She also had brown tennis shoes and a green ribbon in her hair. Her brown eyes burned with hate as she tried to get to me. A few minutes passed and she gave up, and went back down the street.


    I let my breath out; I didn’t realize that I was holding it. I looked at my prize. Some of the white stuff was dripping onto my hand. I lifted the thing up to my mouth and took a lick. I didn’t take another lick; I just took a large bite of the thing. It was amazing, it was cold, and tasted like nothing that I had ever eaten before. The brown thing at the bottom was crunchy and tasted good as well. Feeling content, I curled up, and went to sleep.


    I woke up a little after dawn. Looking around I saw another human, he was doing something with a grey box. I dropped down and walked towards him. He put some of the green stuff into the box, and a yellow can dropped down. The human reached into the box, and pulled the can out. He then pulled the cap of the top of the can, and started drinking it as he walked away. So if the white and brown thing was human food, then the yellow can was human drink!


    I walked over to the box; it had a clear part and a small part at the bottom, that’s where the human got the drink from. I could fit into the part. I pushed the part open and forced myself though. I climbed the rows of other drinks, focused on the yellow one. I got to it, and came across a problem. The can was entwined by a black bit of metal. I could force it open, but that would draw a lot of attention. Suddenly the metal stated moving, I turned to look out the clear part. I almost screamed it was the girl from the day before. She looked at me with cold eyes. I latched onto the can, which was a mistake. It fell to be bottom of the box. Before I could react a hand came down and picked me and the can up.


    The girl held me up, and inspected me. She was holding me by my pants, much to my anger. She pulled the can from me and started walking towards a bench. She set me down and faced me.


    “You’re the one who stole my Ice cream right?” she said. I guest that the food was ice cream, so I nodded. “I thought so;” the girl said


    “First I was going to make you pay me back for the cone, by working for a long time. I have a better idea though; you see I’ve been having problems beating the gym leader here.” she took out a book, and filliped to a page. She pointed at an image, a man with a pile of brown hair, a green shirt, a red scarf, green and red pants, looked at him.


    “His name is Burgh, and he’s been giving me trouble.” the girl spoke


    “He has a Dwebble, and it’s been giving me problems,” The girl then took a book out of her bag that she was caring on her back. She opened it and flipped to a page.


    “This is what he looks like.” she pointed at a picture of a man. I nodded; I bet I could take him.


    “If you help me beat him,” The girl said


    “I forgive your debt, and buy you some more ice cream”. Ice cream I instantly nodded, of course I would do it! The girl opened the yellow can and handed it to me.


    “You may as well have this; I don’t need it.” she looked at me


    “When will you be ready? Oh, and by the way my name is Sophia”


    I finished the drink; it tasted nice and cold, like something sweet I had never tasted before. I felt instantly revitalized, I jumped off the bench and flexed my arms, Sophia just laughed.


    “Come on big guy, let’s go” she said as she walked down a street. I followed her down the street, until we were at a large official looking building.


    “Well here we are,” She said


    “The place of bugs” We walked inside.


    “I’ve already beat all the trainers here, so we can just skip to him” I stopped, looming before me was a large, yellow, gooey wall.


    “It’s just honey,” Sophia said


    “I think” That didn’t make me feel any better.


    “Just get behind me,” She said


    “and stay behind me.” She then pushed her hands against the yellow wall and started walking. I got behind her and walked after her. In a few seconds of walking, and we were though. Sophia made a strange grunting sound, she looked at me.

    “Just a few more to go.” She was right, a few more walls and we were done. She took out a napkin out, and cleaned some of the goop off.

    “We’re here”


    “Back again Sophia?” the man in the room said. I guessed this was Burgh.


    “Hello, let’s do this.” Sophia said.


    “Very well.” Was Burgh’s reply. He held up a red and white ball, a Pokeball, and opened it. In a bright flash of light, a round pokemon with an eye in the center. It had four feelers, and many smaller spikes emerging from its body. the part around it's eye was a darker color, gray even.it had O shaped makings, which were red, a Whirlipede, appeared in the room. I jumped up, and took up a fighting stance.


    “Let’s begin,” Burgh Said “Whirlipede, screech, and then poison tail!”


    “No wait” Sophia said “I don’t want to use him first” I gave her a look, I could take this.


    “It looks like he’s not standing down” Burgh said


    “I’m not stopping” The Whirlipede made a loud screeching sound, I clapped my hand over my ears, then the Whirlipede came rolling at me. It’s whole body glowing purple. That must be poison tail. It hit me full on, and I was thrown against the floor. I tried to get up, but felt my energy being sapped away. Poison. “Whirlipede, we’re almost done, another poison tail!” Burgh said. I looked up just to see a large purple blur come at me, then I fell into darkness


    When I woke up, I was on a bed, in a room. I looked around, I saw a blue snail like pokemon, it had two wavy "fins" coming out of its back, and two knobs, which stated out blue, and turned to white. it's body was spit into two parts, the upper part being blue, the lower part a shade of green. The two parts were divided by a yellow lining. the two fins also had this lining. I didn’t know what is was. It could be from a different region. There was another pokemon, a small yellow ball of fur; it had four legs, which formed into blue toe like thing. It had two big eyes, with two smaller ones above them. I figured it was a Joltik. The slug was climbing up the wall, while the Joltik was attacking an alarm clock, Maybe it was looking for batteries. I felt strange, after a fight like that I should be bruised, but I was feeling great. I’ve heard that Trainers had access to a machine that could easily heal Pokemon. I guess it was true. The blue slug had reached the ceiling, and was hovering over my head.


    “Hi there,” It said. “I’m Fluffy, What’s your name?”

    “I’m Scrag” I said ‘what are you?”


    “I’m a Shellos” It said


    “You’re supposed to listen to listen to trainer, not fight all by yourself.” I hung my head, that’s was what Trainers and their Pokemon do, right? That’s what Sophia wanted me to do. I wanted to try again, this time I would show her, and pay back what I owned.


    Sophia entered the room, holding three bowls, all of which had some brown pellets in it. Two were placed on the floor. Fluffy and the Joltik made a Beeline for the bowls and started eating. Sophia walked over to me, and put the bowl in front of me.


    “Eat,” she said. I started to much on the pellets. The bowl was emptied almost as soon as I started. Sophia was looking at me sadly. I wanted to apologize, but Humans couldn’t understand Pokemon speak.


    “Well,” Sophia said “You still own me, but you did try. So I may have to just let you go.” I shook my head, I wanted to try again. I jumped of the bed and started going thru her bag.


    “Stop that,” she said as she walked over to me. I pulled out the book with the image in it and pointed at Burgh.


    “You want to try again?” I nodded.


    “Well we Have nothing to lose. But you have to listen to me”. I nodded. she called the Joltik and Fluffy in to Ball. She then picked me up, and we headed out the door.


    In a few minutes we were at the gym. We walked thru the yellow walls, and we were finally at Burgh.


    “Sophia, you should just give up.” He said.


    “Yes, yes.” Was Sophia’s reply “Let’s just do this.” she sent out Fluffy, while Burgh sent out his Whirlipede.


    “Shellos,” Sophia yelled. “Water pulse”


    “Poison tail!” Burgh yelled. I watched as the rings of water that Fluffy had made collided with the spinning purple blur. It snapped the Whirlipede of Its attack. They when on fighting, but I stopped watching. I got distracted by a glass window; it had many colors and I was mesmerized by it.


    “Scraggy!” Sophia called “you’re up.”


    I jumped up to the battle field. Burgh had called out his Dwebble. Now that I wasn't running away from one, I got a good look at it. It had a lager gray rock, with dents and a few chips off of it. It had a almost completely orange body, with two large pincers, and two smaller legs. I did not see Fluffy anywhere; I guessed that she had been called back into her ball.


    “Ok Dwebble, use Smack Down.” Burgh called.


    “Brick Break.” Sophie commanded. I ran at the bug, my hands glowing. The Dwebble pulled a rock out of its shell, and chucked it at me. I ran at the rock and hit it. Due to the fact that rock is weak to fighting attacks, I managed to chop it and continue running at the bug. I then chopped at the Dwebble, scoring a hit. The Dwebble was pushed back and I kept on hitting.


    “Sand attack, then tackle” The Dwebble spit a small clump of sand out of its mouth. The sand got into my eyes; I raised my hands to wipe them. The Dwebble took the opening and launched itself at me. I took the hit and got thrown. I got up, and readied for another attack.


    “Scraggy Use Hi Jump kick!” Sophia ordered. I jumped up into the air heading straight for the Dwebble. I hoped I don’t miss. I hit my mark; the Dwebble fell to its side, defeated.


    “Well,” Burgh said “You may pull this off, Sophia” he let out his final Pokemon, Leavanny. Leavanny is a tall pokemon, if I was standing next to it, it would towered over me. It looked a little like a human, with two arms, legs, and a head. It had a yellow head, with two antennae emerging from it's head. A large green leaf wrapped around it's head. Its arms were made out of leaves, while it's legs had dark green parts, down to the halfway point, where a yellow part emerged. It's chest was a dark green, with a yellow and green tail. I looked at Sophia.


    “Keep on kicking” She said. I nodded and jumped again. Unlucky for me, Leavanny are much harder to hit then Dwebble. It took a step back, and I hit the ground hard, my foot throbbing.


    “Leavanny use String Shot” Burgh said. “Then razor leaf!” The grass bug pokemon fired a shot of string at me. I moved to the right, but the Leavanny followed my movements. In a few seconds I was covered in a sticky thread. The Leavanny threw a large amount of shape leaves at me. Already weak from my miss, I felt my self weakling, until I fell into darkness.


    When I woke up, I was back on the bed. I rubbed my head. Fluffy and the Joltik seemed to be talking to each other, too far away form me to hear. Then Sophia entered she was holding a small cup with both brown stuff and white stuff with brown chips on top. She sat down next to me, and handed me the bowl.


    “Dig in,” She said. I Did so. It was Ice cream, the white part tasted like the cone I had stolen from her. The brown part tasted different, and so did the chips on top. In a few seconds it was all gone.


    “I was thinking,” Sophia said “That you may want to come with us.” I didn’t have anywhere to go once Sophia left I could not go back to my tribe, just because I could beat a Dwebble, didn’t mean that I could take down the head. Fluffy and the Joltik nodded at me. I looked at Sophia, and nodded.
    Last edited by Meow Wow; 18th June 2012 at 09:33 AM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Ice Cream

    This has been waiting long enough, claimed.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3

    Default Re: Ice Cream

    Introduction:

    I liked how the situation started out. It was a well done introduction that introduced the readers to the main character and the why of the story. It’s always important that you explain what it is happen the events that lead up to the story. If you had just said that Scrag was being banned from his tribe I would have wondered why, but not only did you put why he was banned, but you also had him explain the reasons he committed the crimes. Having all those elements present is a good thing, especially the latter portion, which could easily have been overlooked.

    Besides explaining what was going on, you pointed out the direction of the story when you had the main character heading towards the human city. I liked this approach in a story because while I reader does like mystery in a story, they don’t like to be totally left in the dark. It wasn’t apparent that the Scraggly was going to battle a gym leader, but it was obvious that he would run into a trainer.

    Now the only real thing you had missing in the introduction was some physical detail. Physical detail is very important in a story for two main reasons, imaging and background context. I’ll explore this point more later, but you needed to have detail on most everything in the beginning that was mentioned.


    Plot:

    As for the plot, I also liked it. Relatively simple, but it did keep my entertained with the human food elements thrown in there. You do have a few problems in the execution of the plot, but all the elements for a good story are present. The introduction really set up the meeting between the Scraggly and Sophia, and made it so the Scraggly owed the girl for making off with her snack. I think this was a good alternative instead of just having the Scraggly randomly running into the girl and her just capturing him. Your method was a bit more original and exciting. Having Sophia battle the gym leader was something I’ve seen many times before, but it worked to give Sophia a motive to capture the Scraggly besides just getting revenge on it. The bonding of the two between the battles also gave a compelling reason for the Fighting type to join her, instead of a conventional Pokemon battle.

    So, now let’s move onto the parts that needed to be fleshed out to make the story shine. The biggest thing was that the gym battles were just not exciting or long enough to capture the interest of the reader. I was pretty bored reading those sections. Detail was a part of that, but the battles could have been longer and involving the other Pokemon present.

    This doesn’t really apply towards the first battle because Scraggly was knocked out rather fast, and since the story is from his view point you couldn’t do anything more than that. The second time was where you could have been better, so let’s explore this part in detail.

    The first battle was between Shellos and Whirlipede. You had the two Pokemon exchange a flurry of attacks at the start, but then you suddenly had the Scraggly get distracted. You then transition into the part where Scraggly is up next, entirely skipping that first battle completely. Now, if we switch to the other battles involving Scraggly we come across another problem, the battles were completely too short. Each only involved a few moves on each part. I understand the need not to have a long and drawn out battle, but you need to balance that with the desire to make the battle exciting for the reader.

    To make the battles better you want to focus on a few things. One, detail, detail, detail. Detail is in integral part of a story, if you’ve ever read a novel you find that almost everything physical is described in some manner. You’re not writing a novel so you don’t need to go quite that far, but you’ll want the important stuff, which in this case happen to be Pokemon attacks (which will be discussed more later). Two, longer battling. The basic idea here is that the longer the battle the closer it is and the suspense is built up. If a Pokemon has a clear advantage over another you can limit the battle, but you’ll still want to make the effort to make it even. Thirdly, which you did do, is add combos to the battle. Not only do you have the trainers call out more than one attack, but try to weave them into one big attack. (An example would be using Agility plus Tackle). There are my three rules to make battles fun. Getting a hang of all three can be a hassle, but rest assured it will pay dividends in the long run for your writing.

    For the final plot notes, your ending does need a little work in a couple of areas. It’s clear that Sophia won the battle, but you should’ve explained how by adding a sentence or two. The next thing is pretty minor, but something you should consider for later stories. Scraggly does join the group, but you should have something saying what Sophia’s plan for the future is. This could just be you saying that she wants to become a champion someday or something along those lines.

    To sum everything above up, not a bad attempt, but you still some time to develop further as a writer.

    Description:

    Besides the grammar section you need some fair work here. So, let’s start simple. The basic things that need described in a story are: Pokemon detail, human detail, Pokemon attacks, the environment, and physical surroundings. Let’s start with each one and explore it and go from there.

    I got a good look at her from up here, she had Black hair that was going down to her shoulders, and brown eyes. She was wearing a light green T-shirt with a pink flower on it, and a dark green skirt. She also had brown tennis shoes and a green ribbon in her hair. Her brown eyes burned with hate as she tried to get to me.
    Okay, really good description on the little girl here, you could have had a few more details, but we’ll leave that for later stories. There is no problem here, but what is a problem is that there was no detail on any of the other humans or Pokemon. You need detail on the characters involved in your story, with more detail being given to those who are more involved in the story.

    It was small and like an alligator, a sandile.
    There was another pokemon, a small yellow ball of fur; I figured it was a Joltik.
    Here’s two examples that you had of Pokemon detail. The first detail for the Sandile is enough because it only appears very briefly, but the second quote isn’t good enough. Joltik appears a couple of times and is one of Sophia’s Pokemon, meaning that you’ll have to do more. Saying Joltik is a ball of fur is only a small description, but its doesn’t tell the reader what Pokemon they are looking at. You have to assume that not all you readers know exactly which Pokemon a Joltik is, as such you need to explain it to them.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    There was another Pokemon on the dresser next to me. It looked like an overgrown spider, only it was bright yellow and all the fur made it look like a toy from far away. It’s multiple blue eyes were fixed on an alarm clock next to the Bug Pokemon
    My description above isn’t too specific, but with that the reader can at least understand that they are looking at a spider, whereas they couldn’t with yours. That is what you need to do for Pokemon in your stories.

    Next up is Pokemon attacks, which you did better on, but still need some improvement. While I had no trouble envisioning what was taking place with your attacks because of your detail, there were certain spots where a little more additional detail was needed.

    “Keep on kicking” She said. I nodded and jumped again. Unlucky for me, I missed. I hit the ground hard, my foot throbbing.
    Take this paragraph as an example. You only say that he missed the Hi Jump Kick, but didn’t explain exactly how, and that was need. My basic to getting this sort of done is this: show the reader, not just tell. Telling is good, but showing is much better for numerous reasons.

    I’m going to combine environment and physical surroundings into one things. Let’s start with the environment, we as readers want to know about the weather. This piece alone is minor, but it is a piece of a much larger puzzle. As for physical detail, it can be a little harder to do, but the principle remains the same. To help you understand these two things we can go back to your start of the story.

    I lowered my head, my face burring with shame. The head of our tribe looked at me, with a mix of shame and anger in her eyes. The rest of the tribe looked on, whispering. I saw my order bother looking at the ground, he didn’t make eye contact with me. I couldn’t blame him. The head walked until she was right in front of me. She towered over me, and rose her voice
    Quote Originally Posted by me
    I lowered my head, my face burning, not from the scorching heat beating down upon us, but from the shame. The head of the tribe, a Scrafty female, looked at me, her normal yellow tone a shade of red. The slight breeze easily carried the voices of the other Pokemon to my ears. We were all gathered around a rather large rock that served as our meeting place. I was in the center of the group with the leader while the rest formed a ring around us.
    My quote is what I’m talking about what was needed. I threw in details about the environment and where the Pokemon where. Describing the ‘where’ part is very important, and needs to be done for all areas of the story. Another example was when Scrag was recovering in the Pokecenter. If I was the writer, I would have described the layout of the room and what was in it. This could be done with a couple of sentence or a paragraph.

    That concludes the description portion. Now I didn’t include everything that should be done for detail as I limited it to the basics. Get these things under control until you’re comfortable with them, then you can move onto more advanced stuff. Just read over what I have and try to apply it to other stories.

    Grammar:

    I can see you are new to writing, because there is a lot of basic mistakes. The good news is that since they are basic mistakes it only takes a little effort to fix everything.

    [quote]“So be it,” our head said[.] “Leave our territory[,]” She turned to the rest of the tribe[.] [quote]

    You have three mistakes in this little paragraph of dialogue. You need a period in the first bracket because the sentence has ended and you are starting a new one. The second bracket where the comma is is incorrect, it should be a period, not a comma. Finally, you forgot the period at the end of the sentence.

    I he[a]rd the tribe leaving the border.
    Missing a letter there.

    I was exiled because I broke the rules t[h]ree times in one moon cycle.
    Another letter here missing also.

    It [fowled] me back to our caves had been attacking our tribe ever since.
    Once again a simple mistake. Obviously you mean ‘follow’ instead of ‘fowled’.

    These three mistakes above mean one thing to me, you didn’t go over your work carefully enough. Everyone makes mistakes when they are writing, that’s why you always have to go over your work. A simple spellcheck is always needed, but it’s no substitute for going over the work yourself. This is called proofread. I recommend this happening at least once for every story, but depending on the length it should be done more than once. It can be a tedious work to reread your own story, but it pays dividends in the future when getting graded.

    What are you doing here[,] big [bother]?” I said[,] I had walked quite a bit from the border, and was not excepting anyone, even my [bother] to come after me.
    You need a comma before ‘big brother’ because are using that as a name to address him. Brother is misspelled twice, so that needs to be corrected also. Finally, the comma after ‘said’ should be replaced with a period or a semicolon

    “I just wanted to give you some advice,” he informed me[.]


    “I can’t be away for long though. There’s a large human city to the south. I think you should try to get there[.]” I nodded[.]
    You need a period at the end of the first sentence because it is being ended. You also need the two other periods I pointed about. Finally, only one person is speaking so both the paragraphs should be combined.

    “[w]hich way is it?” I asked.
    Start of a sentence so this needs to be capitalized.

    “Thank you.” I said “I will miss you,” my brother said
    Here’s a section you had, and I’ll show you what it should look like.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    “Thank you,” I said.

    “I will miss you,” my brother said.
    The word said is a dialogue tag, meaning that a comma is needed instead of a period, the same is true of the sentence below it. Just like before you are missing some periods at the end of the sentences.


    Length:

    Right smack dab in the middle.

    Conclusion:

    Scraggly Not Captured. Your plot and introduction where up to par, but your grammar and detail were lacking in multiple sections. Now, if you want the Pokemon go back and fix as many of the grammar errors as you can, then add some detail to Scraggly, Joltik, and Shellos. The Pokemon of the gym leader could also use a little sprucing.

    @Joltik
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  4. #4

    Default Re: Ice Cream

    Alright, you did a good job on the Pokemon detail, it was well done. Continue to work your detail like you did above, it is an important piece that must be good.

    As for the grammar, you still have a bunch of errors that I glanced over, but you did go back and fix much of the ones I pointed. Because you made the effort to correct as much as possible I'm going to say: Scraggly Captured.

    @Joltik
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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