Thread: I Talked to God (Mature, ready for grading)

Pokemon: Poochyena
Number of characters needed: 5K-10K
Total characters: 9,143

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I Talked to God

“I am sorry ma’am, but this is my first time doing this.”

“Let Tobias replace you! He knows how to do this!”

“N… No...!” I said and opened my eyes widely. I won’t let this old fart replace me.

“B… But it hurts! Let Venom do it! Please!”

“Please ma’am, I know it hurts, but please give me a chance!”

“Don’t you dare harming our mistress! Let someone that has been doing this for five years replace you!”

“I know this is my first time tying this kind of sandals, but please give me a chance! I promise to be gentle!”

I had to gain Ai’s trust, or else I will never get out of this place. I have been working here for around three months, and apparently I suck at cleaning, cooking and taking care of the garden. Tonight Ai and her main battler, Tobias, are leaving to a party that one of the rich families has arranged. Ai wanted me to come instead of that old asshole, but I told her that I prefer to stay in the mention and take care of it. She trusted me of course. Tonight I am going to escape.

I still have no idea where I am, but I did figure out why I am here. Apparently my older brother owed the Kuron family shitload of money, which he, of course, couldn’t afford. As soon as Ai’s father asked him to be Ai’s battler, my brother agreed. One night later he hanged himself. To tell you the truth, I don’t have any hard feeling for him. He was no different from the other losers that come to “The Kink”. After our parents divorced, when I was about the age of seven, he left with my father. He learned everything about the world of losers from the king of it. Drugs, alcohol, gambling and prostitutes. Life of a perfect loser. So anyways, Ai’s parents figured out that my brother had me, and now I pay for his mistakes. Again.

Tobias and Ai left the mansion, and Macho, the Machop I caught three months ago, closed the big wooden door. I got time until tomorrow night to plan my big escape. Luckily, I was the only resident of the mansion. Ai’s parents were barely around. I feel kind of bad for the poor girl. She was all by herself, and Tobias was her replacement for her biological parents. At least I got to see my father once in a while, even though I never wanted to. But Ai’s mother reminds me of my own. A busy career woman that could barely take the motherly part in her child’s life.

I waited in the living room for a couple of minutes. I had to be sure not to be caught by them. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the house, Macho standing next to me.

Kuron’s gardens were huge. No matter how many times I tried to reach the other side, I never succeeded.

“Mach.” Macho said with a conserved voice.

“Is something wrong? Are you afraid of the dark or something?” I asked and chuckled.

“Ma!” He yelled at me at the darkness. I looked at the direction he pointed at, but I didn’t see a thing. He must be tired. We worked all day long, of course he would see thing. But I couldn’t let him rest yet. He is my key for getting out of here. Venom is my plan B. If something will be fucked up to the point I will have to kill someone, he will be the one to help me. Venom didn’t really want to leave this place. He liked working around, cooking, helping around the gardens, and basically doing most of my chores.

I looked around again. The coast was clear. But the feeling that somebody is watching me kept hitting me in the back of my head. Machop was very close to me. He could feel it as well. I kept lighting the way with a flashlight, when suddenly I heard a sound behind me.

“Grrr….” A beast’s voice was heard.

I turned around and saw a small, grey, female wolf growling at me and revealing her sharp, white teeth. A Poochyena, this is exactly what I needed now. I tried to back off slowly, but the wolf jumped on me, her teeth ready to bite off my neck. Luckily I blocked her with my right arm, causing us to fall on the grass. I tried to struggle.

“Machop, do something! Help me!” I cried at him, trying to hit the beast with my free hand.

Machop was terrified. I kept calling his name, reminding him that he has an advantage on her, but he simply froze in his place. I reached my belt and grabbed Venom’s ball and released him. I could feel the beast’s sharp fangs digging dipper into my arm. Venom didn’t spend time and bit the wolf’s neck, injecting poison into her body. She finally let go of me.

I grabbed my arm and ran back to the mansion, my Pokémon running after me. My first stop was the bathroom. I washed the injuries with cold water and Venom gave me some Vodka. I poured it on the bite mark.

Never, in my entire life, I screamed and cried like I did now. I can’t describe the horrible pain I was going through. I don’t wish it to my greatest enemies.

Machop kept sitting on the bathtub’s edge, looking down. The only thing in his mind was that it was his fault. We could have been out of this place if he could hit Mightyena. I tried to calm him down, to explain him that it wasn’t his fault, but the tears in my eyes and the fake smile didn’t help much. It only got things worse.

I sat next to him and bandaged my injury. I won’t be able to use this arm for a while. I had to think about plan C.

I remember that Tobias told me something about guard dogs. He told me that in the depth of the gardens they kept a wild Poochyena. They didn’t feed her; they didn’t take much care of her. They simply let her do her job, taking care of her territory.

A clever idea, if you ask me. I wish that someone could give me an idea, a sign, something. I must get out of here.

Suddenly something broke.

“The fuck?” I stood up and looked out of the bathroom’s window.

I saw nothing, obviously. I grabbed my injured arm and slowly went outside, into the garden. Macho used the flashlight on the place the sound was heard from. A broken garden gnome. Never liked those bastards anyways. I looked around and suddenly I noticed two red eyes staring at me, and yellow rings floating around it. Something in the back of my head told me to follow it. I ordered Machop to turn off the flashlight, and we followed the creature. I knew Poochyena could have found a Pecha berry and heal the poisoning and then seek for revenge, but I had to keep following it.

The blood loss made everything look blurry to me. I didn’t know if I was following an illusion or something real. But I had to keep following, no matter what. And then, it disappeared.

I fell on my knees. I couldn’t believe it. We reached to the other side of the garden, just to see a desert. I had to choices.

I could hear the beast’s growling. She was getting closer. I could fight her, but for what? If I will stay, I will have a lot of explanations to give to Tobias and Ai. If I will run, I will have to survive in the desert with an injured arm, and look for a nearby town, which I have no idea where is located.

I could hear a voice in my head, telling me not to give up. It will always protect me and make sure I will be safe. All I had to do is to make my choice. To make the right choice that will impact my life. This is up to me now.

I stood up and smiled. If I have a guardian angel, I would better make a good use of it. My Pokémon looked at me like I was some kind of a lunatic. Poochyena rushed towards us, ready to rip us to pieces. Orders just came out of my mouth. I didn’t know what I said and I didn’t know why I said it, but my Pokémon did everything I wanted. Machop finally was filled with the courage I wanted to see in him. Venom, on the other hand, stood next to me, letting his friend prove his fighting abilities. I don’t know, and I don’t care, why Machop was so afraid in the first place, but now there were no remaining of this fear. We were ready to fight.

Machop’s fist shined in a bright white color. The young wolf stared at it, knowing what is about to happen. The pooch backed off as Machop ran towards her. Machop released the DynamicPunch, but Poochyena jumped aside and dodged the hit. It could have defeated her in one hit. Such a pity.

I could hear the voice in my head again. It told me to defeat her as soon as possible, or else I will never get out of this place. She was about to call her friends. I told Machop to hit her head before she will dare to. Machop’s Karate Chop landed between the pooch’s ears. It should have done it. But why do I have the feeling that it’s far from being over?

I could hear a great voice growling. I looked around, and then I saw her. A big female Mightyena, Poochyena’s mother. I am in big trouble now.

Machop backed off slowly as he noticed ten couples of red eyes staring at him. I told Venom to get ready to a big fight. I could hear the voice in my head again, telling me to stay calm. It promised to help me.

“Don’t you dare breaking that promise. Or else my rested soul will haunt you. As soon as it will find you of course.” I smiled. I didn’t know why I trusted this voice, but it sounded almost godly. It was warm and caring, but intimidating and confident at the same time. Exactly how I pictured God when I used to listen to his wonders every Sunday morning at church as a child.

I have no idea how long we have been fighting the pack. It felt like seconds, but the rising sun told us it has been longer. Much longer.

Machop Low Kicking a Poochyena, Venom poisoning a Mightyena. But we weren’t complete victorious. The furry bastards bit and tackled my friends. If the fight was in slow motion with dramatic music, it could have been some kind of an action scene in a movie. But it was in the real life. Who knew that good old Shingo would be part of such a fight? Amazing, isn’t it?

It was the last one of those wolves. They were running away into the gardens, with their tails between their legs. Quite a happy sight to someone who barely participates in Pokémon battles. I still could hear a crying sound. I looked around and saw the same female Poochyena that bit my arm last night.

“Poor girl… They forgot you behind…” I said and knelt next to her.

She stared at me with her piercing red eyes. She was very angry at us, but who could blame her? We kicked her mother’s ass, we defeated her friends, and now she was left behind, so a human being and his two bully Pokémon to decide her fate. I wouldn’t want to be her. She growled at me, as she wanted us to apologize.

“I am not going to bag for your forgiveness, pooch.” I said and showed her my bandaged injury. “You are the one who has to apologize to me.”

She growled at me again. She clearly didn’t like the idea. I had to think about something that will satisfy us both. The voice in my head told me so. I didn’t know why, but I decided to do as it told me. Maybe because I owe it my life. I patted the wolf’s head. She stared at me with a confused look, not knowing if to bite me or lick me.

“Look, I will treat your injuries only if you will help me survive in the desert.” I offered her.

She stared at me and started thinking about my offer. It sure was tempting. After a couple of minutes she wagged her big fluffy tail. I threw my ball at her and smiled. Suddenly I heard the voice again. It wanted me to help it.

“I helped you run away from the mansion, now you will help me.”

I asked it what it wanted me to do, but the voice disappeared. Probably it was the type that used to give you riddles when the time comes.

“Macho!” Macho cried and pointed into the distance.

I could see a black fox staring at me, like it wanted me to follow it.

And so I did.

LE CLAIM.

Introduction: The introduction to the story does draw the reader into the story somewhat, but the reader can be deterred from reading through the rest of the story when the first thing they notice is a grammatical/flow error, so watch out for that in the future. Also, what I didn't get about your introduction is that it had no relevance to the rest of the story, really - there's a conversation about tying sandals and Tobias and the like, yet I don't see how this relates to the rest of the plot - usually, your introduction should have the focus of introducing things that are going to have relevance to the story, even if it's just a character or just a setting or whatever... but here it's a conversation that doesn't contribute to the story all that much apart from making it longer.

Another conflict I had with your introduction is that you didn't explain why the main character wanted to escape from Ai or whoever. Usually, you should mention something along those lines, or it seems like your character's just doing something randomly - no reason or motive behind it, just something for the character to be doing. ;x Also, you should try to split your introduction from your story in some way, however subtle, I guess. I couldn't discern where your introduction ended.

Plot: You tell the story as a boy/girl (I couldn't tell which, but I'll assume that the character is a girl) who wants to escape from somewhere. You give no explanation as to why she wants to escape. Are the masters mean? Is the place slowly killing her? There's nothing particularly nasty that the main character's superiors do apart from tell her off, which is hardly a cause to run away. Why did her brother owe a lot of money to the family, and how did it come to the point that she had to pay for his mistakes? Why was it that she was paying for his errors? Plot-holes like these are rather jarring and leave the reader wondering why one character is doing this and one character is doing another, and can make the story seem jumpy and some characters' actions very unnecessary. Direct explanation isn't needed for ALL issues, but quite a few.

Also, what is a battler? I get the impression that it's not what we think in the sense of Pokémon - simply a Pokémon who participates in battles, as an actual person is a battler, which I get the impression isn't the same thing as a trainer? A bit of highlighting to the reader as to what one is would help a lot, as otherwise we get more confusion in the story, and this disrupts the general ongoing action throughout the story, much like the gaping plot-holes you've left in various places around your story. Things that you've made up do require an explanation - just a note for future stories that you write about this. If it's a continuation to a previous story, however, you should post the next chapter in the same thread so the grader knows that the repetition of information isn't needed.

The general flow of your story wasn't great. The plot wasn't flowing from one place to another smoothly like it generally should - one action should lead to the next, which leads to the next until the end of your story. Of course, little twists can be thrown in to make your story more alive and interesting and steer it in a different direction, but you throw them in at moments when they shouldn't really be there - however, you don't really need to worry about this since this is a simple story, but for higher categories you need to think more about how the actions flow from one into the next - such as the mistress giving death threats, causing the main character to run away: in his haste to get away, he accidentally trips over a Poochyena cub and injures it, which causes the pack to start attacking the main character and from there, after defending themselves, the Pokémon can be captured. Not really unlike your story, just corrected a bit to suit the general feeling of causality more.

The conclusion to the story was a cliffhanger, but it didn't exactly close up the story like it should - it was a black fox-like creature leading the main character away. This is a suitable ending for a chapter of a story (if there's going to be another), but I'm not entirely sure if it is or not, thus perhaps you should have used a different ending. I'm sorry if it looks like I haven't read your story properly, but it's what I could decipher from it. x]

Grammar/spelling: The first thing I noticed was your tense shifts, which happened often throughout the story. In any story, you always keep it in one tense, unless a character is writing a diary entry midway through or something similar to that. Even in a diary entry, if it's describing the previous day, it's generally in the past tense. So yeah, try to avoid switching tenses. Here's a few examples within your story I caught in which you've switched tenses for no reason:

I said and opened my eyes widely. I won’t let this old fart replace me.

I had to gain Ai’s trust, or else I will never get out of this place.

At least I got to see my father once in a while, even though I never wanted to. But Ai’s mother reminds me of my own.
This last quote has more than one problem. Whilst also switching tenses, the period you've used should be a comma, since the word 'but' shouldn't really be used to start a sentence, and it makes more sense with a comma anyway.

Secondly, dialogue tags - when a character is described as speaking (words such as 'said', 'whispered', 'replied'), we use a comma before we close up the speech. Example: "I was walking down the road the other day," he said (remember that the thing speaking remains uncapitalised unless it is a proper noun). However, when the character is described as doing an action whilst talking, but you're not specifically describing this character as speaking, we use a full stop (or period) before we close up the speech. Example: He shook his head. "I don't know." (Remember that the thing doing the action is capitalised under all circumstances.) Also, when addressing people in speech, a comma goes before or after their name depending on where it is.

Also, in some dialogue and some sentences, you switch to present participle in places where it makes no sense (“Don’t you dare harming our mistress! Let someone that has been doing this for five years replace you!” - harming should be harm). Read and re-read stories for errors like these in the future, and try to find and correct as many as you can. You also seem to use words in inappropriate ways in the story (not inappropriate as in rude, just not appropriate for the sentences and contexts in which you've used them).

If I have a guardian angel, I would better make a good use of it.
'Have' should have been 'had' - apart from that, 'would' is if you do something or not. 'Should' would be a better replacement here, seeing as it is something that you nearly must do, or you probably should do.

I don’t wish it to my greatest enemies.
'Wouldn't' is a welcome replacement to don't, but isn't overly necessary if you're writing in the present tense. And you don't wish something to someone, you wish it on them. "I do not wish it on my greatest enemies" is a much better version of the sentence.

I knew Poochyena could have found a Pecha berry and heal the poisoning and then seek for revenge, but I had to keep following it.
'Seek for revenge' - the word for doesn't sound well in this sentence, and so shouldn't be there. You look for something, but you simply 'seek ___'. Conjunctions aren't needed.

There are a few more errors scattered throughout your story, but I'm a nitpicky person and I don't want to overload you with fixing grammatical errors in your stories, especially as you're a new writer to the URPG. Spell-check and grammar-check are good options to use if your word processor has them, but otherwise just read your story to yourself and see if it makes sense, and if your grammar actually looks right. Many people who write stories for the URPG don't actually proofread their work, and so their grammar turns out to be quite bad as a result.

Detail/description: I felt that you simply didn't include any good description in this story, just enough to get you by without actually writing anyway. We're trundling along in a senseless world for most of the story. Basic description is sensory description - describe the feels, smells, tastes (not usually included when describing most things), sounds and sights vividly. However, there is a line not to break - don't overly describe things, as this makes the story pause a bit just so you can get in some more description and halts the action unnecessarily. There is a fine line between not enough description and too much description, but as you continue writing you'll begin to learn where that line is and how best not to cross it. A little missing out of description can actually be a good thing for your story if you use it in the right places, because it may make the story seem a little more mysterious and you can hide things that may be important later in the story.

Also important in description is choosing the right words - if your story is uppity and adventurous, don't use words like 'melancholic' or 'depressing'... use bright words like 'exciting' or 'joyous'. It should be easy for you to notice if you read over your story when the description has gone astray from the general mood of your story - of course it can change, but you have to change your description to fit the mood. You did a good job with sustaining the rather dark mood throughout the story, with a few slip-ups here and there. Although you did describe some things, your descriptions weren't really enough to do your story justice. You need to work on describing characters in your story with better details, alongside describing the places in which your characters are.

Also, it was hard to distinguish what some things were - was Venom a man or a Pokémon? Again, a mistake that people make is not describing things that they think everyone knows what it looks like simply because they think everyone knows what it looks like - Pokémon, for instance. You should describe Pokémon - pretend you're writing for a person who doesn't know the first thing about it. Just some things to think about ^-^.

Battle: The battle was put in for a reason, which is always a good thing - self-defence. Usually, people may write in a battle simply for the purpose of boosting up their character count, but this one was kind of necessary, which is a plus. However, the way you described your battle wasn't great. It was basically 'Machop used Low Kick' and 'Venom poisoned x', and that was it. Of course, a good thing was that it wasn't one-sided: the opponents actually did get fierce attacks in, but you could have described how that felt to the Pokémon. Did they cry in pain? Did they simply ignore the pain and fight back their feelings? Answers to questions like these in your stories can make your battle that extra bit better to the reader, to make it that bit more exciting. However, the potential for a great battle was not fulfilled, sadly enough, which is minus points for you, unfortunately.

Focus on "choreographing" the battle a bit more carefully next time, including how the attacks looked and felt, how effective they were and things such as that.

Length: The length was good for a simple 'mon, and it's nice that you have that cushion in case the rest of your story is mediocre.

Outcome: I'm going to have to say sorry and Poochyena not captured. There are some serious flaws with your plot and your description, as well as those grammatical errors and tense switches. I'm going to ask you to fix up those errors, fill in the plot-holes with explanations and flesh out your story with more description. After having written your first story, I guess that you know what's expected of you and this isn't enough, I'm afraid.

PM me for a regrade when you think that your story is fixed. This has the potential to be a good Simple-rank story if you put in the extra effort. Sorry. x[