I Still Look For You (Ready to be graded, Collab Story)

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  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default I Still Look For You (Ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    Collab Story with Synthesis. I write in First Person, from the Spheal's point of view. You have to see how Synthesis writes.

    Pokemon being Captured: Spheal, Gligar
    Suggested Length: 20k - 40k

    -----

    I was always your friend. Your best friend.

    We lived in a small, remote Pokemon village. It had Pokemon of all types... grass, water, dragon... all the children would congregate at the village square everyday to play with anyone they found there. You were the Pokemon I always played with.

    I am a chubby little Spheal. You were a purple flying scorpion, a species that scared away most children. But not me. I saw you for what you were inside, not the fearsome image you displayed.

    I remember when I played a game of hide-and-seek with all our friends. I could never find you and you always found me. You laughed and rolled on the floor upon finding me every time... you were so innocent, so childish... I cannot imagine how you turned into the beast you were now.

    One day, you came back after a one-day trip to the seaside. You made a necklace out of seashells and some Wurmple's String Shot. I still wear it to this day.

    "Tadda!" Yon said to me, presenting the beautiful gift. I loved it so much. I nodded as you said you needed to leave for the toilet. I waited for you at the village square.

    You never came.

    I waited days on end at the square, returning at the first light of dawn till the moon was high up in the sky. Everyday, I ignored the requests of other children to play. I focused my attention on waiting for you. Even when my parents told me to stop, I didn't obey.

    One day, you parents told me the truth.

    You were kidnapped by Imperial Guards, saying that you were the youngest member of an ancient bloodline of rulers, to be the next one to rule the whole of the Pokemon Region. They needed fresh, young bloods like us to brainwash and turn into destroying zombies, tarnishing anything in sight.

    You rule an area far away from our original village now. You rule as a vile, cruel leader, killing anyone who stood in your way in cold blood. But I know, the innocent, kind side of you is still buried inside.

    I reached the huge, ancient tree, the size of a human castle. The humans did nit know that within the forest there was a reign of cruelty, terror, and bloodshed.

    I stood in front of the castle and read the sign. 'Behold the Gligar King!' was written on it. I knew you needed more servants. There were rumors that you killed servants for the heck of it.

    I walked up to the guards. "My name is Clarissa Chandile. I am here to apply for the position of a servant, any class."

    The guards gave me a confused look. They searched me- well, they just searched my necklace- and let me go, but not without a word of warning.

    "You be careful out there, lady. The King may not go easy on you." The guards said. I nodded and walked up the carved stairs.

    You were sitting on a throne made of wood and padded with the softest, sweetest flowers. You gave a yawn which I heard when a guard alerted you of a new servant coming in. When I walked up to your throne room and kissed your claw you were positively gobsmacked.

    You knew it could be any other Spheal, but the necklace I wore was unmistakable, and so was my name.

    I was your new servant.

    -----


    Current Character Count: 3066
    Last edited by Timpeni; 14th January 2011 at 06:28 PM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    "Please my lordship, I-I have a family to look after and feed," the Sealeo pleaded. "Please," he whimpered. "I am innocent."

    "You disgust me. Off what his head!" I snapped. I had no time for this insolent thief. He stole from me so I should be allowed claim what is rightfully mine. I have no need for his earthly possessions so that means I am entitled to his life. I did not care for his sob stories.

    I watched stony faced as he was shackled down. The glint of the axe shone in the darkness, before slamming down and severing the head. I watched in mock amusement as it rolled along the cold stone floor towards me. The dead coal eyes stared at me, penetrating my tough exterior. I knew that look. It was the stare of an old friend. But, I had no time for friends. I was a supreme ruler. Friendship was non-existent here.

    -*-

    Thousands of droplets of rain poured down from the sky, drenching my skin. I was in a hurry. My wings shielding my head. Being a Ground type, I hated water.

    "Spheal, where are you, buddy? I can't see anything in this rain. "Spheal? I-I'm scared," I whimpered. Suddenly I tripped in the slushy mud landing face first. I felt salty tears drip down my purple face and gave a little whimper. I froze as I heard a scuffle in the bushes nearby. "Spheal?" I called out, stumbling forwards. There was no response. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach.

    "Why helloe there, prince," a voice jeered as I was shoved forward roughly. Something pinned me down and my mouth was gagged. Something struck my head, hard. My mouth filled with copper tasting blood. I began to wail.

    "Hey, ease off!" another voice yelled. "We need to keep this buggar alive, remember?"

    "I was just having a bit of fun."

    I blacked out then.

  3. #3
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    I obeyed your every command. As your new maidservant, I had too. When you wanted rich milk pudding, which you seemed to like quite a lot, I made you the most delicious in the land. When you commanded me to deliver or escort I did it and I did it with most satisfaction.

    When you asked me to kill, I obeyed.

    That day, you told me to assassinate the Dragonair Princess of a neighboring kingdom, for reason you did not state to me. I did not hesitate and immediately booked two flights on Staraptor, back and forth.

    Later that day I clung on the the back of Staraptor as he flew at high speeds towards the neighboring kingdom, cutting through air like knife through butter. He dropped me off at the castle's entrance, and I felt quite dizzy.

    Not being known in any way by anyone, I easily passed off as a new servant towards the lazy, dim-witted pair of guards at the entrance. I entered the tree and looked at Dragonair on the throne, hanging her head up high. I knew the perfect move for this.

    As I reached up to kiss the Princess's nose, I released a torrent of Sheer Cold. The air at absolute zero froze up the Princess, leaving her looking like an ice statue in a bowing position, which not only left her dead, but was an insult to her ghost as it was bowing down to me.

    The guards dashed forward foolhardily and I simply pulled off several consecutive and successful Sheer Cold. The air froze up the entire tree; I heard children scream as they were enveloped in the killer ice. The guard's face forever held a shocked look. I turned away from the tree as it continued to freeze, and tried to block the screams out of my head.

    The villagers backed off, not willing to go near me. Mothers hid their children's eyes as I hopped back on Staraptor, who was used to seeing all these violence. After all, the kingdom where you ruled was a nasty, corrupted one.

    However, while Staraptor was returning, a tear fell from my eye which I wiped away immediately. I could not let you see weakness in me. I had to remain strong as I slowly work towards gaining your trust and, if ever, unlocking your heart again.

    When I reached the castle and said the good news to you, you never showed any signs of relief, happiness or anything kind of emotion. You simply yawned again.

    "Alright. Go make me brioches." You said nonchalantly, and I obeyed. I knew you did not appreciate me; you appreciated no one. I, however, did not care. No matter how you trash me, treat me like dirt or anything, I will still remain loyal to you.

    But my wish to really find you again...
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    One day a Spheal was brought to my attention by the gaurds. They assured me she chose to me a servant of mine of her own free will, knowing her life was insignifigant. For the first time in years ai felt something that wasn't contempt or hate. It was an unusual feeling I had long since forgetten. Admiration.

    The gaurds brought her to me and hurled he to the ground like some low life. However, she wasn't a low life. She was once a friend. A very good friend I had forced myself to forget about. But there was no denying it. Many a time I had wondered about her. But,she could have changed. Perhaps she was a spy from a neighbouring region. I had to test her.

    I told her about a Priestess known as Dragonair. One of the swetest and purest beings alive. I needed Spheal to kill this serpent to prove herself. If she could do it, I would know. If she failed me, she would be killed. Harsh, but necessary. Days passed before she returned and I feared the worst. Perhaps she had returned home. Perhaps she had moved on. Perhaps she had... died.

    But, she did come back. There was something different about her. She had come back a ruthless killer but I still saw her as the innocent little Spheal that she used to be. I hated to hear that she was a murderer. It was unbearable. I ordered her to make me a brioche as I contemplated.

  5. #5
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    As the days progressed, I noticed that you became a bit more... soft, towards me. But whenever I thought of it I shook it off immediately. I had to realize that you were now a murderer, a stone hearted maniac who killed many with his voice: The voice which commanded. And I had to act the same way towards you, in fear of being destroyed for weakness, which I have heard you have done before.

    You then ordered me to spy on the villagers for you, feeling that some trouble has been stirring up recently. I dressed in a black coat before setting off to the market, where there was all the gossip and mayhem. Plots and juicy bits of information congregate at that area, with nosy shopkeepers, drunk buyers and several people who simply can't keep their mouth shut for the world.

    As I walked around in the crowd, I heard someone say something which got me interested. A Roserade whispered towards a Beautifly a sentence that would determine the two Pokemon's fate.

    "I hate this king. Taxes, leverages! It's just not fair!" The Roserade said, and the Beautifly nodded in agreement. "Join with us this afternoon, 4 p.m., at the Red Brick Base, next to the famous bar that sells Beedrill and Combee honey... ah, yes! Beedrill's Bar!"

    I smirked and my eyes darted towards a clock stall, all the clocks ticking away. I walked up and asked whether the clocks were keeping perfect time.

    "Ah, yes! They are top notch! Would you like to purchase one?"

    "No thanks." I said, and walked in the direction of Bedrill's Bar. It's already 2 p.m. here. Not much time left to spare.

    *

    I noticed a wall of red bricks next to the famous bar, the laughter of drunk Pokemon inside. I felt an urge to join them but continued on, sneaking behind the wall. On the ground, I noticed a hole with a ladder, leading to the base underneath. I cautiously proceeded down- a hard task with small arms and a large body.

    I reached the bottom when I heard Pokemon talking. I walked silently, gliding across the floor like a ghost. The voices got louder and louder, and I saw the corridor come to a dead end. I gave a 'Hm' before I noticed that some bricks looked... fainter, in a way, than others. I noticed a handle on the extreme left bricks and pushed it right. The bricks on the right were hollow, and the real bricks slotted in nicely. I was greeted by the sight of many Pokemon in one room.

    "Ah, another! You are smart enough to figure it out, I see. Close it before you get right in." The Roserade said, the same Roserade I've seen at the market. I closed it and blended in with the crowd if all kind of Pokemon.

    "If we do not fight the corrupted king, our home will crumble! We must fight, destroy them! We shall rebel!" The Roserade said charismatically, and the Pokemon cheered. Three sentences and I knew I had to end it.

    I used a harsh blizzard to lead the Pokemon inside into confusion and mass hysteria, before I blasted every one of them with a Sheer Cold. Everyone froze, leaving a scene of utter chaos. I smiled, then headed off back to the tree castle.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 29th December 2010 at 09:09 PM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

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    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    The news reached me. The citizen's had a rebellion planned. Normally, I would take action myself but I had an idea. Spheal could go down and investigate for me. I ordered he to do so. Yet, it didn't feel like a command. It felt as though I asked her to do it. It felt as though we were equals as opposed to master and servant. She left the tree-bound chateau in the early afternoon and I began to grow anxious as the seconds trickled by slowly.

    It was near nightfall before Spheal burst into the castle. She looked like she did when she returned from killing the Dragonair Priestess, cold and murderous. She went off to her room, tired and guilty. I let her have some rest before summoning her to my throne.

    "Well, what happened Spheal?" I asked, stony as usual.

    "You were right. They sought to rebel and kill you. They hates you with a passion and wanted you to suffer at their hands like so many had suffered at yours," she said solemnly.

    I couldn't help noticing the past tense as she spoke.

    "Carry on," I whispered.

    "So I... killed them."

    "Wait, you killed them. But, why? It wasn't safe, you should know better than to do something without my orders. Go to your quarters!" I shouted, unsure of why I was so angry. "I don't want to see you again any time soon!" I roared. Spheal looked at me in horror before running to her room, tears spilling down her cheeks.

    Why did I yell at her? I had no reason to do so. Perhaps I care for someone other than myself...

    -*-

    I stared down at the steep cliff face and gulped. The waves below crashed against the cliff angrily. Rain poured down from the heavens. I had to get away. I was a monster. I didn't deserve to live. I took a step forward, ready to leap off the edge, and paused. I couldn't do it. Sure I was a monster. But, I couldn't even have the guts to kill myself. I was the worst King in existance

    "Well look who it is," something sneered as a paw clamped around my mouth.

  7. #7
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    I cried in my quarters, confused about the plan I have thought over so well, laid out so perfectly... maybe you WERE different then what I have originally expected.

    I didn't understand why I wanted you back anyway. It's been ten long years, I should have gotten over it by now. And yet... why did I go back to look for you? Love? No, not love... now it's mostly an obsession. I didn't want you to feel displeased with me or fall from it.

    I just wanted the Gligar who played with me all those days ago back.

    But it seems both of us has evolved into cruel, ruthless beings. If I killed others who were pure, killed others who only wanted freedom- didn't that make me as bad as you?

    Well, maybe I was as bad as you. But doing this was all in my selfish motive to see you again. I said to my Elders... your previous elders... that I simply wanted to attempt to bring you back from the edge of insanity. So I could restore peace to the land. I lied.

    I didn't care a damn about the land. I only care about you. If I could have you back at the expense of the land- the world, maybe- I would give it gladly.

    I still looked for you... the true you... and I didn't care what I destroyed along the way. I thought over these when I heard a yelling sound nearby.

    I peered out of the hole in my quarters which served as a window. I gasped.

    The citizens arrived at the entrance of the tree, and killed the guards in cold blood. But the citizens didn't come too prepared, and were overpowered by a second onslaught of guards.

    I knew this wasn't going to be the last of these rebellions. One of them might be a revolution. We had to act, and we had to act fast.

    Well, faster than I thought.

    Another batch of citizens- much larger and angrier than the former group- came over. The guards slayed them viciously, but them themselves were weakened severely. I knew the first two groups sacrificed themselves as suicide fighters- the main army is to come soon.

    I peered out of the hole and gulped. You had to get new guards fast. Quite fast indeed.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 29th December 2010 at 10:42 PM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  8. #8
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    My head was thrust forward and my body went along with it. I landed on something hard and a boot connected with my back, rolling me forward. A door slammed down hard and an engine started purring. Then, the car throtled forward. I had no idea where it was going.

    "What is that in my trunk? I think I heard something," the Ursaring driving the car asked.

    "It was nothing. Keep driving!" the Ampharos in the passenger seat growled, pressing the nozzle of a vun up to the Ursaring's head.

    "Where to?" the Ursaring asked.

    "Shut up and don't ask so many questions or I'll blow your brains out all over the windscreen. You got that, punk?!" Ampharos demanded.

    "Well, how can I bring you to your destination if I don't know wbere it is? And, I know you wouldn't dare kill me because you can't drive yourself," Ursaring sneered.

    "Just bring us to the tree fort. We have a certain guest we need to bring somewhere," Ampharos chuckled darkly. "A certain Spheal..."

    My heart stopped in my chest and I began thumping on the booth door. If he could make a scene he could stall them out. They couldn't take Spheal. They couldn't! I started slamming my stinger against the door, desperate for attention.

    "What was that?" Ursaring demanded. The car breaks screeched and the car drew to a halt. The other doors slammed as Ursaring made for the car booth.

    He pulled the trunk open to receive a stinger in the face. As Ursaring fell to the floor, clutching his face. I hopped out and started to run. The cool night air clutching at my heart. I had to hurry to Spheal's rescue. For once, my thoughts were of someone other than myself.

  9. #9
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    I ran out of my quarters towards your chamber, only to find it empty without he exception of a lone guard. I ran up to him and asked him where you have gone, and he sighed.

    "The Gligar King went off to do... something. He didn't specify it. You know, you better get back to your quarters. Two groups of citizens attacked the guards just a few minutes ago." The guard said, and I feared for your life. No matter where you were, angry civilizations could kill you easily. You weren't the best fight, not in childhood, and from the looks of it not now either. And if you were, a lone fighter probably couldn't over power a whole mob.

    "Do you have any clue where he went?" I said to the guard, who thought for a while.

    "Actually, I overheard him muttering something about cliffs. The nearest one is Seel Cliff, but it'll still take you half an hour by car." The guard said. I gasped. Why would you go to a cliff?

    "Guard, were you there when I was sent to my quarters by the Gligar King?" I asked, and he nodded. "Uh-huh."

    "Then, how much time has passed from then to now?" I asked.

    "About... two hours."

    Two hours! How long have I been crying? I must have lost track of time long ago.

    "When did the king leave?"

    "About after he sent you to your quarters." The guard said. That was NOT a good answer.

    I looked up in the sky and noticed the stars and moon were now clear in the sky, while the last time I looked out in the sky- two hours ago- the sun was still up. While the battle against guards and rebels ensued I was too absorbed in it to notice the changes in the sky.

    I knew what to do immediately. I had to drop by on Volbeat's Rental Car service. I dashed of the tree, leaving the confused guard, and tried, as fast as I could, to reach the building.

    *

    A garage loomed before me. Inside it, small, bare contraptions with simply a seat, a small engine underneath with a string you have to pull to start it, a wheel to steer the four wheel tucked underneath the engine and a brake and accelerator. It was similar to what humans called a go-kart, but completely bare except for essential parts.

    To us Pokemon, it was the latest car. I walked up to Volbeat and dropped the Pokedollers I held in my mouth. "Keep the change. I need a car now."

    "Okay, use the one next to you right now. I'll rev up the engine, you go off." Volbeat said, and he tried to rev the engine, but it was dead. He tried the next one. The next one. None in the entire garage worked.

    "Impossible!" The Volbeat said, before noticing a note sticked under the engine. He picked it up and read it in discontent. "Looks likes someone doesn't want you to leave. Read it."

    He dropped it on the floor and I looked at the note. It read, 'Stay put, cause you ain't going anywhere, Clarissa Chandile!"

    I turned to say something to the Volbeat, but then realized something. "I'm not famous. How do you know Clarissa Chandile is my name?"

    The Volbeat turned pale. He tried to escape, but I hit him with Powder Snow, sticking his wings together. I nailed him on the tiny legs of his, and he squeaked.

    "You won't dare kill me. Only I know how to refill the tank." He laughed, and I hissed. This isn't going well.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    Panting, I arrived outside the fortress. I looked up at the holes that represented the windows. The lights weren't on in any room. What was going on? No one was here. I was beyond nervous, the people who attacked me where targeting Spheal next. If she wawn't at the castle, where would she be? Perhaps she was in the town. Yeah, that makes sense, I realised. I took off into the air, gliding through the night sky, me eyes were pealed for any signs of life. As I flew over the usually busy town I saw no lights there either. It was completely dark. Where was everyone? The quietness was slightly unnerving.

    I landed on the dirt trail below, distressed. I sat there for who knows how long. It could have been seconds, minutes or maybe even hours. But, suddenly my ears pricked. I could hear chanting in the distance. Slightpy worried, I rose up to the sky and advanced. My heart stopped as I saw a mob of hundreds if not thousands of Pokemon were advancing, carrying flaming torces and chanting. This was it. The end. They knew I was here. I couldn't run or hide. I had to face this like a true king. I took one deep breath before flying forward and swooping down before them.

    "Hello there, people of the town," I said to the crowd. Despite being nervous, I think I managed to hide it. I was ready for death but there was someone I had to say my farewells to first. "I know what's coming. Unfortunately, I too believe it is a necessity-"

    "GLIGAR!" a familiar voice roared from behind. Spheal came into view from the darkness behind me "this is it."

    "Goodbye, my good friend. I will miss you." I moved forward, preparing to shake her hand. Then, I stopped, and gave her a big hug. The rowdy mob advanced and I pushed Spheal away. I wanted to embrace with open arms.

  11. #11
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Not ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    I went to the town square, only to see you there. I called to you, and that enraged the mob in front of you. You approached me to shake my hand, but instead hugged me. It was a strange feeling of happiness, tranquility... until someone pulled me away.

    I didn't dare to watch as they closed in on you. I advanced up the tree castle, and climbed up the highest branch with much difficulty. It took quite a while, but I made it. I looked at the ground without emotion, and I whispered softly.

    "I'll meet you there."

    My little round body slid off the branch with the help of a push I gave. My life flashed before my eyes as the wind blew against my face. I think, I think I cried a little.

    I felt no pain, only regret, as I heard a soft crunch on the rocks.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    Claimed, because Synth is still active. ;D
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  13. #13
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    Default Re: I Still Look For You (Ready to be graded, Collab Story)

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Your story starts out with the line:

    I was always your friend. Your best friend.
    It's a simple statement, but it's filled with sadness and regret. It sets the tone for the whole story and sticks in the reader's mind as they read. While I was reading it, my thoughts kept drifting back to this line and I actually became emotionally invested in the characters. It wasn't a bad start. After this line, the intro becomes a little more standard, just describing the setting and the main characters, but it gave the necessary background information and fulfilled its purpose. Also, the intro displayed the characters as being very sweet and innocent; children. This is a major contrast from the rest of the story and serves to show how different Spheal and Gligar are by the end. Muy bien.

    The plot itself was definitely waaaay different than other things I've read. Also, I kind of enjoyed Timpeni doing second person and Synth doing first person. A couple times it was confusing and once or twice you switched from past to present tense, but overall I thought it was a cool way to set the story apart. Anyways, the plot was pretty emotionally charged, with Spheal and Gligar being childhood friends and then her giving up her freedom to be with him again. One thing I was confused about, however, was why Gligar got kidnapped in the first place and by whom? Who was it that stole him away to make him an evil dictator? We're never told. Also, I think that for all that Spheal gives up for him, it should be revealed earlier that she loves him. I mean, we can figure it out, but simple friendship can't explain the lengths she goes to for him. However, the ending was GREAT. I love those last lines:

    I felt no pain, only regret, as I heard a soft crunch on the rocks.
    Very haunting. You came in on a strong note and ended on a strong note. ^^ It's lines like those that MAKE stories, that stick with the reader once they're done. It's what makes you successful as a writer.

    There were a couple more problems. One of which being, why the hell are there cars? XD The main characters live in a castle carved into a tree, everything seems almost medieval, and there's no humans in the story, just Pokemon (Though you do mention humans at one point). It just really seems out of place and annoys me. Lastly, I just feel like there should be more background. Where are they? I don't know. Some country somewhere. It's never really explained and is a bit... ehhh. Overall, however, I liked this story and feel like it was worth the Pokemon you aimed for.

    Details: Details, details, details; you're pretty hit or miss with these. Either you've got great description or none at all. As I mentioned above, I really want to know more about the setting of the story. For example, if we knew how the Pokemon were governed before Gligar became an evil tyrant, it would be much easier to understand the anger of the villagers, and create more suspense when they attacked the castle. Also, one thing that I see missing a lot in stories is missing here: emotional description. Spheal killed herself because she couldn't live without Gligar. However, we almost never see how powerful that love is during the story. We get some glimpses, but never the full picture. You need to dial it up a notch. Your goal with this kind of thing is to get the reader emotionally involved with the character, if that means drawing out several scenes and putting in some romantic tension, well... you have fun with that. ;D

    Grammar:

    I cannot imagine how you turned into the beast you were now.
    'Were' should be 'are'.

    killing anyone who stood in your way
    'Stood' should be 'stands'.

    The King may not go easy on you." The guards said
    Change that period to a comma, as what follows it is a dialogue tag.

    As your new maidservant, I had too.
    'Too' should be 'to'.

    gaurds
    Should be 'guards'.

    insignifigant
    Should be 'insignificant'.

    It was an unusual feeling I had long since forgetten. Admiration.
    You should change the period to a colon.

    But, I couldn't even have the guts to kill myself
    'Couldn't' should be 'didn't'.

    only to find it empty without he exception of a lone guard.
    'Without' should be 'with'.

    and dropped the Pokedollers
    That should probably be 'Pokedollars'.

    Length: You needed 20k and you guys had 23k, so you're good there.

    Outcome: I'm not a judge, but my judgement on this story is that.....

    Gligar and Spheal... captured. Mostly because of the lame joke. (Kidding, I passed because you were good. If I passed for anything else, Winter would kill me, then Scourge would reanimate my body, THEN kill me again.)

    Have fun with your Pokemon!



    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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