I am not your Battler (Mature)

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  1. #1
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    Default I am not your Battler (Mature)

    Targeted Pokemon: Machop
    Required Length: 5,000 - 10,000
    Actual Length: 8,304

    I am not your Battler


    "Bartender, more!" A drunken man yelled. Nobody had manners nowadays. They are sickening me. Every single one of them. I wish they were dead.

    "Venom, you heard him." I told my little helper, Venom. Yes, he is a Venonat. Yes, he is small and has short hands and big feet. Yes, he is a klutz. But at least he could get rid of those drunkards immediately. For good.

    "This is true what they say about you, Shingo. You will give a job to anyone.” he laughed. His big hand stole the glass from my little companion, making him fall on the black bar. I hated John for that. Always coming after a bad day at work, drinking and harming my friend. Sometimes I wish I could kill him. Tell Venom to poison his drink. But after three years in jail, I tend to think twice before I tell him to kill. Sometimes I want my mind to shut up more often.

    "John, stop it. Don’t play like this with the ones who can kill you. I think Teddy learnt it on his flesh." John stared at me as I helped Venom stand back on the bar. Teddy was John’s best friend. Teddy was the first man I killed. "Did I hurt a nerve?" I grinned at him. You might think I have some kind of a disease, but I don’t care. Watching people suffer always makes me feel warm and cozy inside.

    "Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming to this manhole. Maybe it’s because of you, you little fuckturd." The truth is, John comes here because nobody else would accept him. He is ugly as shit, his wife treats him like shit and he is a dumbass. He is the reason I enjoy living my life. No wife, a free spirit, intelligent, handsome and a past prisoner.

    "Well, I gotta go to my wife. Talk to you later, Shingo." John said, left his money behind and left.

    I don’t have many friends. I know Venom ever since I was nine, John is a usual customer and the one who released me from prison, and there was Teddy. The man I killed for being an ignorant bastard that pushed everyone around. Ever since I killed him, bad things happen to me. His spirit looks for revenge.

    "Let’s go Venom." I called. The purple bug looked at me with his big red eyes "Time to go home."

    He simply nodded.

    Venom didn’t talk much; he would usually make a sound to confirm my words. He simply did as I told him to, and he would never refuse. Sometimes I wondered what he had in that little mind of his. Sometimes I prefer not to know.

    "Ven." Venom said quietly as we stepped into the dark streets of Vermillion City.

    "Is something wrong?" I asked as I wore my black, long, leather coat. With the problems I have, Venom’s eyes are my only way of surviving. And now, he saw something. Something moved there, in the dark allies of Vermillion City.

    "Psychic." I said quietly and my companion sent two purple beams out of his big red eyes into the darkness. Better be safe than sorry.

    "Ouch!" I heard a feminine voice.

    I stepped into the alleyway, tightening the grip on my umbrella, ready to hit. Underneath the streetlamp sat a young lady, probably seventeen years old. She had a long brown hair and big brown eyes. She can’t be a threat to me. But I couldn’t leave her alone. Something told me that it would be a big mistake.

    "Are you all right?" I asked.

    "Yeah… I think…" She murmured as she grabbed my hand and stood up.

    I never saw her before, probably because she never stepped into “The Kink”. She was too young to enter my pub. She looked well for her age. Only if she was a bit older, I wouldn’t have to spend that cold night on my own.

    "What’s your name?"

    She stared at me with her big brown eyes. She stared at me like I was some kind of a ghost. Who knew that by the morning I might actually end up as one. This girl is my key for a better life. But let’s not rush.

    "My name is Kuron Ai." She said politely. "And you are my battler."

    I opened my eyes widely. "Excuse me?"

    Venonat ran towards us. He was very nervous, and he had a good reason to. I caught the girl’s hand and returned Venom to his Pokeball and started running. You should never question his sharp senses. If he is nervous, something bad is about to happen.

    "Where are you taking me?" The girl cried.

    "Explanations later. Now stay silent!”

    As soon as John got me out of jail, Teddy’s family tried their best to get rid of me. They ruined “The Kink” twice, and the police would refuse helping me. They don’t want to help a criminal, even though I am trying my best being a good citizen. I could hear the gunshots getting closer, and Ai was shaking. My house was still far from here, and I don’t own a car. Sending Venom out is a suicide mission. My lucky day. And suddenly the noises faded. I stopped running and the girl tried to catch her breath. I told her to stay in the alley as I stepped forward, checking the area. That was my biggest mistake that night.

    My ribs hurt so badly, and breathing turned into one of the hardest tasks I have done today. I could hear heavy footsteps approaching me, and a cold object touching my neck. Is that it? Is that the end of the game for me? And then, more gunshots. Heavy bodies fell on the cold floor next to me. Everything turned black. People say, that before you die, your life flashed in front of your eyes. You see a white light. I didn’t see any of it.

    ~~~

    It didn’t hurt anymore. I could actually breathe without feeling the piercing pain. One thing I was sure about, and that was the fact that I wasn’t in Vermillion anymore. Maybe I was in hell. No, it couldn’t be. The bright purple curtains and the white walls didn’t have anything hellish about them.

    "You are finally awake."

    "Where the fuck am I?" I asked and tried to sit up. Sadly, the pain won’t let me. In front of me sat an old man with a long gray hair and a big gray mustache. He was dressed like some kind of a battler. Wait, a battler? I remember that girl, Ai, telling me something about me being her battler. I didn’t think she was serious. Why would a seventeen year old girl would want me, a thirty year old bartender and a past criminal, to be her battler? Wait, more important… What about “The Kink”? I can’t leave the bar unwatched! I had to get out of here.

    The old man stared at me. He had something soft yet intimidating in his bright blue eyes. The wooden door opened and someone came in. That was that little bitch, Ai. She through a grey battler’s outfit at me and smiled. I just stared at her angrily.

    "Good morning, Shingo." she said and smiled at me. How the hell did she know my name? That was when I realized that my clothes were completely gone. Those sick sons of bitches. They shot me down, stole my clothes, made me into their little battler and took my... my Venom…

    "Dress up, battler.”

    "Excuse me? I don’t remember excepting this position.” I said and looked at her. I won’t let a child order me around.

    "Now that my family saved your life, you owe us.” She said with a smile. "Your little friend is already waiting."
    ~~~

    "Would you like something, ma’am?" I asked and stood next to her. Being a battler sucks. I had to do everything that this little bitch asked me to do, and I had to live in her mansion. I preferred my tiny apartment in Vermillion. At least Venom was happy. He finally saw what a real field looked like. Did I mention that I still have no idea where the hell am I? Every time I asked Ai, she would order me around. And the old man, Tobias, was even worse. The bastard would actually scold me, like I was some kind of a thirteen year old. I decided to do as Ai wished until I will figure out an escape plan.

    Ai pointed at the bushes, claiming that there is something over there. I called Venom and went to check it out. It was a wild Pokémon. It was gray with a three brown ridges on top of his head. It had big red eyes and three rib-like stripes on each side of his chest, and a small tail.

    "A Machop? You are not supposed to be here." I said and waved my hand at him, trying to scare him. Damn, it was a big mistake. His fist met my face, breaking my nose and a couple of teeth. The bastard actually laughed at my pain. It will pay for it. I spitted blood out of my mouth and told Venom to get ready to kick that little shit’s ass. Maybe I would try to capture it? It might actually help getting out of here and get back to my manhole. Venom was ready to fight. Venom didn’t like to fight, but the purple bug would do everything to protect his master. Like a real friend.

    "Venom, let’s get rid of it. Use Psychic!”

    "Ven!” He called. Two purple beams got out of his big red eyes. Machop rolled aside, dodging the attack. The gray creature ran towards Venom and kicked his head. That was a big mistake. You can push him around, you can call him names, you can even pull his antennas, but you never hit Venom’s head. Especially when most of his body is a head. Now the fight got personal.

    Venom’s fangs shined in a deep purple color. He bit Machop’s arm and injected the poison into his body. The fighting Pokémon started panicking. He kept punching and kicking Venom, but it didn’t know that doing so will only make things even worse for it. Venom’s head shone in a pink color as he launched himself at the enemy. Machop flew back and hit a tree. I could hear footsteps approaching. I looked back and saw brown haired Ai and old man Tobias. I looked back at the battle. Machop tried to stand back up, even though the Zen Headbutt and poisoning should have taken him down. I ordered Venom to finish the fight. It shouldn’t be so difficult now.

    My master and the old battler approached me. Tobias gave me his handkerchief so I could clean the blood from my face. Ai was scolding me for staining the suit with blood, like it was my fault. I looked at Venom that stood next to me and stared at me. I could swear that I heard him sigh, a thing he usually won’t do. Ai and Tobias left and I approached the unconscious Machop. He sure is a tough fella. I couldn’t leave him alone. Not after I promised myself that I will capture him, tame him, and use him for the sake of escape this place. I took out a red and white Pokeball and smiled. I never was a trainer; therefore I never captured Pokémon before. But there is a first time for everything, I guess. Even a past criminal like me deserves a second chance. I looked at my target and throw the ball at him. The ball opened and sucked the creature in with a white light and started shaking.

    And then, I waited.

  2. #2
    He Sees You... Dog of Hellsing's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am not your Battler (Mature)

    Whoo, finally my day off and I can get this thing Graded lol.

    Also I Graded this while listening to many epic Hellsing musicz. BWUAHHWA HELLSING FTW! >8D *Shifty eyes.* Ahem...let's continue lol.

    Introduction:
    Heh, I don’t think I’ve read too many stories that open with a bartender wanting to kill his customers. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever read any lol. It’s a solid way to hook the reader; when someone has such dark thoughts right off the bat, most readers will tend to stick around to find out exactly what’s going on in that person’s head. It’s also not over-the-top or forced, so kudos there, too.

    You realize that after making such a good impression with your first URPG story I’m gonna be all like Intro Nazi on you in the future, right? XD Good job here, I iz pleezed.

    ===

    Plot:
    The story honestly jumps around too bit, which is the first thing I want to mention. It seemed like the story was going to revolve around the fact that Teddy’s family has it out for Shingo, but then all of a sudden you shift gears and make the main topic about Battlers. If it had been worked a bit more carefully it could have turned into a very nifty little plot twist, but as it is, it seems to go from one train of thought to another and rather randomly at that.

    On top of that, you never tell us exactly what a Battler is. If I’m right this is based off Battle Girl Ai, which I’ve never seen and have only heard of in passing. Since I have no idea what a Battler is, there’s a fair chance other readers wouldn’t, either. When you use terms that other people may not be familiar with, be they ones you’ve made up yourself or terms from other fandoms, you really need to explain what those terms mean so people can still understand what’s going on.

    The thing with Machop just randomly showing sort of has me on a fence. For the most part you never want your target Mon to seem like it was just randomly thrown in for no other reason than to mention it. On the other hand, the fact that it just shows up out of nowhere is kind of nice when compared to stories that revolve around “person hunts for X Mon, finds X Mon, catches X Mon” plots. Which let me take a moment to thank you for not making your first story like that lol. It’s rare for a person making their first URPG story to not have it be a variant of that plot, and I have to admit that I myself used it for my first story ^^’. At any rate, I can’t really give a verdict one way or another on the randomness of Machop’s appearance, as I can honestly call it either way. In the future, perhaps a brief mention of your target before it appears (foreshadowing yay!) can help alleviate things like this.

    I have a slight issue with the relationship between John and Shingo, by the way. Teddy was John’s best friend and Shingo killed him, which John clearly knows. So why would John get Shingo out of jail? Also, his general attitude towards Shingo seems to be one of mildly irritated indifference. It doesn’t really make much sense to me why he wouldn’t despite Shingo and make it obvious. After all, if someone had killed my best friend, even after three years I doubt I would have gotten over it to the point of accepting that person’s presence again.

    All in all, I like the originality of the plot, but in the future you need to explain things a little more clearly when using terminology readers may not be familiar with. Also make sure to not just make your target Mon seem like a completely random encounter, and you should be fine.

    ===

    Grammar/Spelling:
    Hmmmm, I think most of what I saw was tense shifts scattered around. I won’t list them all, just a few so you know what to look for in the future. There were some other things I’ll point out as well, so let’s get down to business, shall we?

    "Bartender, more!" A drunken man yelled.
    *Since the sentence didn’t end with the dialogue, “A” should be lowercase.

    "This is true what they say about you, Shingo. You will give a job to anyone.” he laughed.
    *Who’s “he”? The way you word this makes it sound like you’re talking about the Venonat, which obviously isn’t the case but can still cause confusion. A better way to say this would have been:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    “This is true what they say about you, Shingo. You will give a job to anyone,” the drunkard said.
    I think Teddy learnt it on his flesh."
    *This doesn’t really make any sense to be honest. I can’t really make out what you’re trying to convey here, other than maybe Teddy died by being cut or something. It would have been better to word it simply, such as:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    “I think Teddy paid for that lesson with his life.”
    Or something along those lines. It makes it less confusing as to what you mean.

    I don’t have many friends. I know Venom ever since I was nine, John is a usual customer and the one who released me from prison, and there was Teddy. The man I killed for being an ignorant bastard that pushed everyone around. Ever since I killed him, bad things happen to me. His spirit looks for revenge.
    *This entire paragraph doesn’t really contribute to the story. In fact, it diverges the reader’s attention from the main story, forcing them to focus on something that isn’t relevant to what’s currently happening. This can easily knock someone out of the groove of reading, especially if they’re really getting into it. The best way to prune a story of unneeded bulk is to let it sit for a few days and then read over it. You’ll pick up on things that can be edited, removed, and in the case of typos, fixed. I have a habit of doing this several times as I work on a story, again after the whole thing is done, and even after I’ve posted the story, JUST to make sure I didn’t miss anything. The result? My last story had no spelling or grammar issues that the Grader noticed. I know it can be a lot of work, especially for longer stories, but it’s a good habit to get into nonetheless.

    Sometimes I prefer not to know.
    *This is one of those tense shifts I mentioned a minute ago. What you did was go from past-tense to present-tense by saying “prefer” instead of “preferred”. Tense shifts are almost always never acceptable, with certain exceptions being made for things like transitioning between first- and third-person perspectives. There are very circumstantial cases where you could legitimately use them, such as in a story where a character is mentally unstable and they are telling the story (in this case, their narrative may switch between tenses as their mind makes the change to past, future, and present).

    Oh great now I have another idea for a story I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

    She stared at me with her big brown eyes. She stared at me like I was some kind of a ghost. Who knew that by the morning I might actually end up as one. This girl is my key for a better life. But let’s not rush.
    *This paragraph, if it were entirely redone, could possibly fit in with the rest of the story. As it is now, though, it jars the reader more than anything, especially the “who knew” part tossed in there. It would probably be easier to remove the whole thing and maybe do a bit of editing to the paragraphs before and after this one.

    I could hear the gunshots getting closer.
    *There was never any mention of gunshots before this, so saying that they’re getting closer is confusing to readers and makes them think they’ve somehow missed something. You may want to edit in somewhere the fact that Shingo hear shots being fired and that’s why he started dragging Ai off.

    I asked and tried to sit up. Sadly, the pain won’t let me.
    *In the previous paragraph you mentioned Shingo wasn’t feeling any pain, yet here it sounds like he’s been hurting ever since waking up. On top of that, another tense shift here in “won’t", which should be "wouldn't”. Rewording this will solve those issues:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    I asked as I tried to sit up, which turned out to be a mistake. The pain I thought was gone returned with a vengeance, making it hard for me to move.
    She through a grey battler’s outfit at me and smiled.
    *”Through” should be “threw”.

    I spitted blood out of my mouth…
    *”Spitted” should be “spat”.

    I looked at Venom that stood next to me and stared at me.
    *”that” should be “who” and you would need a comma between “Venom” and “who”.

    I never was a trainer; therefore I never captured Pokémon before.
    *If Shingo wasn’t a Trainer, then why did he have a PokeBall? It’s kind of impractical to carry one around if you never intend to use it. You may want to edit in a reason as to why he had a random spare PokeBall on him; otherwise it seems like he has it for convenience’s sake.

    There were a few other things, but honestly I don’t think they really need a mention here on top of the other things I’ve pointed out. I don’t want to overload you with advice and have none of it stick because there was so much lol.

    ===

    Description:
    For a Simple-level Mon, Graders tend to be more lenient in this department, especially for someone who’s new to writing for the URPG. Because of this there may be a few who see this as a bit harsh for a first story, but I would rather give you this advice when you may still be open to it than wait until you’ve written a dozen more stories and are set in the way you do things. It’s harder to break old habits than form new ones, after all. Hey I should use that as my motto or something lol. ANYWAYS, on to the critique!

    Now first off lemme make this clear: I’m not saying you’d have to describe every tiny breeze and blade of grass, but you should always give at least a general run-down of the scene. We really have no idea of what Shingo’s pub looks like, for example, and in that case readers would fill in the blanks with a generic bar crowded with rowdy drunken good-for-nothings. That may be the case here, but it’s never a good idea to make your readers have to guess about what something is like. And speaking of not knowing what something looks like, we never get a good picture of any of the main characters other than the barest, most basic comment here or there.

    You also don’t want to rely just on visual details. Flesh out the story and really give the readers something to picture. How do things smell? In this case, did the alley stink of trash overflowing from dumpsters? How did things feel? Was it warm outside, cold, muggy, dry? Adding in a sentence or two for other sensory details other than just visual ones make a story more engaging and more interesting.

    In the future, I’d like to see you focus more on giving us a clearer picture on what your characters look like. Height, build, skin tone, clothing, hair and eye color, things like that. You don’t have to break down every physical aspect of their appearance, but at least give us more to work with than simple descriptions. I want to see, “He was a bear of a man, nearly six feet tall and with a chest like a barrel” and not, “He was big”. I know you can do it, I haz teh faith! *Pumps fist.* If you ever need help with descriptions don’t hesitate to ask me, they’re kinda my forte lol.

    And now to mention something I found hilarious:

    Quote Originally Posted by You
    One thing I was sure about, and that was the fact that I wasn’t in Vermillion anymore. Maybe I was in hell. No, it couldn’t be. The bright purple curtains and the white walls didn’t have anything hellish about them.
    I swear I lol’ed at that. Things like this are good, trust me. A little correctly-placed humor can be a welcome relief in even the most serious or terrifying of stories, as long as it’s done right.

    ===

    Length:
    Good enough for a Simple-rank Mon. *Ponders.* Why do I even do this section for Grades? Bah, must be habit. HARDER TO BREAK OLD ONES REMEMBER? /shot

    Battle:
    Even for a Simple Mon this was a little one-sided. Other than the initial kick to the head, it doesn’t really get to do much other than flail about after getting bitten by Venom. In order to keep battles somewhat even, I generally have Pokemon use roughly the same number of moves or do something that would count as a move (such as use a rock to deflect an attack and then throw the rock at the foe, or making use of Abilities). It wasn’t really a battle but more like Machop getting his butt handed to him by Venonat.

    I have to admit, though, that it was funny when Shingo got his nose smashed in. Yeah I know, sue me for liking violence ‘>>. Still, I count that as part of the battle, and any time a Pokemon deviates from the norm in a battle is grounds for brownie points in my book.

    A few things to keep in mind when doing your battles: one, try using extra moves the Pokemon wouldn’t normally know, like Eggs Moves. These can drastically open a Pokemon’s movepool and let you get more creative in your battles. Two, try to make use of Abilities. In this case if Machop had the Guts Ability, being Poisoned by Venom (lol unintentional play on words thar) would have actually made his attacks stronger, which could have temporarily changed the tide of battle. Finally, making use of the surroundings is always an interesting way to spice up a battle. If there are trees everywhere a Pokemon can hide in the branches; if the ground is soft and full of knee-high grass, then a Pokemon capable of digging could make hidden pitfalls to catch the foe in.

    By the way, incorporating these elements into a battle can also do wonders for your description, especially making use of the surroundings. Just something to keep in mind.

    Outcome:
    Well. I liked the introduction and your length was fine. The battle was rather one-sided but it that for-the-lulz moment with Shingo getting FALCON PAWNCHED makes up for it in my opinion. On the other hand, the plot is kind of choppy and a main element (just what the HECK is a Battler, darn it?) isn’t described. The detail is lacking, even for a Simple-rank Mon. You had some repeated grammatical errors, but nothing was horribly wrong, so I can let you slide on that aspect.

    To be completely honest with you, if this had been even your second story I would probably fail it because of the flaws with the plot and the description. HOWEVER, writing for the URPG is very different from writing normal fanfiction or what-have-you. Unless you read several Grades before making the plunge, it’s hard to know what’s expected of you for this kind of thing. Taking that into consideration as well as the fact that this IS for a Simple Mon, I think I’m justified in saying Machop Captured.

    Just work on those things I mentioned and you shouldn’t have any problems with future stories. Also keep in mind that other Graders will be stricter with you since you now have some experience and an idea of what the Story section is about. Again, if you ever need anything just PM me or leave me a VM and I’ll be more than happy to assist you. *Throws a Machop at you randomly.* AAAAA MACHOP USED FLY!

    *Slinks off to bed before she spouts more weirdness and forever scars you with her oddity and strangeness and stuff.*

    EDIT: Bah another long Grade. Sorry for making you read all that ^^'.

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