The Hunt for the Abra Food Thief!

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  1. #1
    Dork Nerdlord's Avatar
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    Default The Hunt for the Abra Food Thief!

    This is an attempt at catching an Abra. Here it goes!



    It was a gorgeous morning in Viridian City. The summer sun cast a warm glow over the Emerald Metropolis, illuminating not only the buildings and windows of the city, but also the many trees and lawns that accompanied them. Within one high-rise apartment building in the center of town, our story begins with Adam Evans, fast asleep.

    Adam’s apartment was small, cramped, and falling apart. The windows let in a draft, the outdated, avocado-green paint was peeling from the walls, and the floors creaked when anything heavier than a Jigglypuff walked on them. Adam was in his bed, snoring obnoxiously. The morning sun peeked through the curtains, casting strange light shapes upon the many posters taped to the walls of the tiny bedroom. One poster depicted the Pokémon League Champion, Lance, and his Charizard posing dynamically. Next to this was a poster of Sabrina, the Saffron City psychic master. On the latter, it appeared that Adam had done a bit of modification to the poster with a black magic marker, adding various hearts all around the Gym Leader’s face. The sounds of Adam’s snoring were only matched by the roar of the old television set in the corner of the room, apparently left on too loud from the previous night. The voice of a news reporter echoed throughout the room.

    “Thank you, Richard. I’m here on the outskirts of Vermillion City on the east side, where it seems a sleeping Snorlax has blocked the route into the famous local landmark, Diglett Cave. Local authorities have tried to rouse the sleeping giant to no avail, and traffic between Vermillion City and Lavender town has been halted. Here with me is Vermillion Police Chief Robert Surge. Chief Surge, what has the city done to try to rectify this situation?”

    “Well, uh, at first we thought we could just sorta poke it, see, but when that didn’t work we called my son out here to see if we could zap it awake. Even a full-power thunderbolt wasn’t enough, though, so what we’re thinking now is that we might hafta just, you know, move it out of the way ourselves.”

    “And how does the Police Department intend to do that?”

    “Well ya see… “

    The TV’s noise was interrupted, however, by another source of racket. Adam’s alarm clock had begun to go off, blasting metal music from what was obviously the clock’s radio function. The lyrics of “Wrath of Rayquaza” shook the walls of the room. Adam let out a muffled groan, hit face buried in his pillow. His hand jutted out from under the covers and searched blindly for the clock radio. After knocking over an old pizza box and a Nidoking action figure, his hand found the top of the device and slammed down on the “off” button. He let loose another groan as his head slowly raised from the pillow, eyes squinted against the sun shooting through his window. With a heave, he pulled himself up and threw the many mismatched blankets of his bed off of him. Adam was a handsome young man in his early twenties, with messy brown hair and a body that looked like it was in shape from frequent strenuous activity. He blinked several times, as if willing his eyes to focus on something in front of him as his hand scratched the back of his head.

    “Rise and shine, Stinger,” he said hoarsely as he banged on the wall next to his bedframe. As Adam swung his feet around to rest on the floor next to his bed, a very disoriented and very sleepy little Nidoran male tottered out from under it. Stinger, as he was named, blinked against the sun’s rays in a manner very similar to his owner. The little Pokémon stood on the dirty carpet for a few seconds, as if trying to decide what exactly was going on, before hitting the floor again, asleep. “Hey now, you can’t sleep all day buddy. We’re going out looking for a big catch this morning!” Adam said encouragingly. Stinger didn’t seem to respond. “Oh come on, you’ve slept long enough!”

    Adam prodded Stinger with his big toe, and the tiny little monster slowly lifted himself off of the floor, still swaying as if he wasn’t fully conscious. “That’s the spirit!”

    Adam stood up and stretched, letting loose several cracks and pops from his stiff joints. He walked over to the TV and gave it a sharp slam on the top, turning it off and cutting the newscast short as the police chief continued to stumble through his interview. Adam searched around the floor of his bedroom, found a pair of socks that didn’t look too dirty, and put them on. He then walked into the cramped bathroom adjacent to the room, followed halfheartedly by Stinger. After washing up, brushing his teeth, brushing Stinger’s tooth, and taking a quick hop in the shower, Adam moved into the kitchen. He poured some Poison-Chow® into Stinger’s food bowl, and turned on the even older TV that sat on the kitchen counter. The same newscast covering the Snorlax was still on.

    “Man, it’ll take a bulldozer to move that thing off the road, eh Stinger?”

    Stinger’s only response was his tiny snoring as his head lay buried in his food bowl, asleep yet again.
    ---

    The sun was high in the sky now as Adam set off from the front door of his apartment building. Stinger, now sufficiently awake, rode on Adam’s left shoulder. Adam was most at home here, amongst the hustle and bustle of a large city. Smog and car horns were what set the mood, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Adam set off walking further into town waving to his neighbors and local foodcart workers as he went along. One elderly lady, in particular, got a special greeting from Adam as he walked past. “Good morning, Mrs. Greenfield!”

    “Oh well hello, Adam!” she said happily, waving back. “Where are you off to today, son?”

    “I’m headed to the Poké-Mart. Stinger and I are going out to the grasslands today to see if we can catch anything.”

    “You young guns and your Pokémon. Aren’t you a little old to be going out chasing critters? And I thought you had a job over at the Silph warehouse!”

    “It’s my day off, and besides, you’re never too old to challenge yourself, Mrs. Greenfield!” said Adam with a large grin. Stinger gave a cry of agreement.

    “Well you be careful out there, you hear me?” she said as Adam kept moving down the sidewalk.

    “Sure thing!” he yelled back.

    The Pokémart was only a few more blocks away. Adam and Stinger made it there in no time. Paulo’s Pokéshop was hands-down Adam’s favorite place in the city. It was a tiny shack of a buidling situated on a side alley away from the main road. If you blinked, you missed it. From the outside, it certainly didn’t look like a very reputable establishment. The sign’s letters were peeling, the glass of the windows was dusty, and the whole store itself was only slightly larger than Adam’s tiny apartment. But once Adam walked inside, it immediately became apparent why the store was wonderful. The shop was well-lit and immaculately taken care of. Items of all descriptions lined the shelves -potions, Poké Balls, training aids, official Pokémon League merchandise – the store had it all. Today there was a large display set up at the front of the store, with a huge mound of Net Balls and a sign reading “HUG SALE – 20% OFF!”. A TV in the corner of the shop was tuned in to the same news station that Adam had on in his apartment, except now showing a trainer and his Machoke trying to move the troublesome Snorlax off of the road. A rotund, jolly looking man in his early fifties stood behind the counter on the other end of the store, and as Adam walked in he gave a jovial greeting in a thick accent.

    “Oy! It is Paulo’s favorite new customeer, Adeem!” Paulo, the store’s owner, looked overjoyed to have some business in his otherwise empty shop.

    Adam returned the older man’s enthusiasm in kind. “Morning, Mr. Paulo! How’s things around these parts?”

    “Oh you know, always the same! Paulo get shipment, Paulo no sell nothing!”

    “I’m sure business will pick up, Mr. Paulo. I wouldn’t worry.”

    “Always such a nice boy, Adeem! My favorite customeer!” Mr. Paulo gave a hearty laugh as he clapped Adam on the shoulder. “So, Adeem, what can you be getting today?”

    “Three Poké Balls is all for me today. Oh, hey! The new issue of Trainer’s Weekly is in! Ring me up one of those too.”

    “Buying Poké Balls, eh? You see the big display Paulo put up? Net Balls 10% off! Paulo give good deal!”

    “Yeah I saw that, but I’m not hunting bugs today, sorry,” Adam said with a sheepish grin.

    “Ah, is ok Adeem! What are you chasing today, then?”

    Adam had to ponder that a while. He hadn’t really decided what he wanted to catch, just that he wanted to make a new capture. “I’m not sure Mr. Paulo. Something rare I guess. Everybody around here has Pidgeys and Rattatas. Have you heard of any sightings of anything good?”

    Mr. Paulo’s expression suddenly went from happy and jovial to somewhere between angry and annoyed. “Has PauloI heard of seeings? Yes, Paulo has been seeing things for himself! A thief has been stealing from Paulo’s back room!”

    Adam didn’t quite understand. “A thief? Well, I’m sorry Mr. Paulo but I don’t understand how I could catch a thief with Poké Balls.”

    “No, the thief is a Pokémon! It come here and steal all my Poké Chow I keep in the back! Paulo cannot catch it, not even with all the Net Balls I order!”

    At this piece of information, Adam’s eyes immediately lit up. “A Pokémon? What kind, Mr. Paulo?”

    Mr. Paulo scrunched up his face, as if in deep concentration. “Bah, I do not remember how to say it in this country. It is the brown one that can disappear like ‘pop!’. Paulo cannot catch it because it always go away right when he sees it!”

    Adam thought for a moment. “Brown and able to disappear… you mean like teleport?”

    “Yes! Yes! Teleport, that is what the technique is called in your language! Bah!”

    “A brown teleporter? Well the only Pokémon that can do that is an Abra.”

    “ABRA! Yes that is the name! Abra comes into my shop at night and steals my Poké Chow!”

    “An Abra!? Those are pretty rare, Mr. Paulo! Do you mind if I try to catch it?”

    “Catch it, fight it, blow it up! Paulo does not care anymore! If Adeem can get Abra out of Paulo’s shop, Adeem is welcome to it! Paulo has already tried with his Porygon and Poochie, but they no good! Abra is too fast!”

    “You leave it to me, Mr. Paulo. I’ll catch that Abra for you!”
    ---


    That night, Mr. Paulo let Adam into the shop to stake out his new quarry. The night was pitch black with no moon, and the store took on a eerie feeling. Adam perched himself behind a stack of boxes in the storeroom, Stinger sitting beside him. Stinger was obviously bored with the stake out, as he proceeded to gnaw on the corners of the boxes they were hiding behind. After a few hours of trying to fight it, Adam had decided to just leave the little Pokémon to it. He could be doing far worse, Adam supposed. As the night wore on, both Pokémon and trainer got sleepier and sleepier, eventually with the result of both of them dozing off. Adam wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep, but he was awakened with a start by a flash of purple light that filled the storeroom.

    Adam blinked a few times to get the spots out of his eyes while he slowly peered around the corner of the stack of boxes he had fallen asleep behind. Sure enough, he swathe outline of a little brown Pokémon climbing the shelves on the other side of the room, getting to the Pokémon food stored at the very top.

    Stinger was still fast asleep in Adam’s lap. He gently poked the petite poison type and whispered, “It’s here, Stinger! Get ready to roll!”

    Stinger awoke at once and gingerly stepped down from Adam’s lap, careful not to make any noise. It was obviously very excited to be getting the chance to fight. “Ok buddy, on the count of three, give it a Horn Attack. You ready?” Stinger gave a sharp nod to signify that he was. “Ok… One, two… THREE! GO!!”

    Adam stood up and jumped out from behind his hiding spot as Stinger tore off across the floor of the storeroom. In all the excitement, the thieving Pokémon fell from the shelf it was climbing on. Stinger kept his charge, lowering his horn into attack position. In the dark it was difficult to see, but the Abra, startled, had gotten to its feet. Fractions of a second before Stinger could make contact, another flash of purple light illuminated the room and Abra disappeared. Nearly immediately, a second flash of light brought the Abra back to another corner of the room.

    Adam gestured towards the new location of the Pokémon. “He’s over there, Stinger! Use Poison jab!!”

    Stinger made a quick about-face and shot off diagonally at the elusive Abra. Before Stinger could even close half the distance that lay between him and his opponent, another flash of purple light went off and Abra was gone once again. This time, Abra did not reappear.

    "No! It got away! Shoot!” Adam kicked a box and fell into a seated position against the wall. “Good try, Stinger. It looks like we just aren’t fast enough to be able to catch a teleporter. I don’t know how we’re going to be able to do this.” Stinger, giving a small disgruntled cry, trotted over to adam and resumed his position in his trainer’s lap. “Mr. Paulo’s Poocheyena and Porygon were’ fast enough either. How the heck can we catch this thing?” Adam looked down at Stinger, who of course had no answers. Adam sat there for several minutes, deep in thought. “If only we could figure out where it teleported to after it left here, we could catch it. Abras sleep for most of the day, so it wouldn’t notice us coming. But how could we track a teleporter? ...I’ve got it! Stinger, looks like I’ll have to take off of work tomorrow.” Stinger, however, wasn’t listening. He had fallen asleep yet another time.
    ---

    The next day, adam came to the Poké-Mart with an odd request.

    “You want to borrow Paulo’s Poochie and Porygon? But they already both tried, Adeem! What good could Paulo’s Pokémon be to you?”

    “Trust me, Mr. Paulo. I have a plan! Between Stinger, Poochie, and Porygon, I can capture this Abra. Then, you won’t have to worry about your stock getting stolen anymore.”

    “OK Adeem, Paulo trusts you. I keep Poochie and Porygon in their Pokéballs upstairs. You can use them for tonight.”

    “Thanks, Mr. Paulo! You won’t regret this!”
    ---

    The next night was very similar to the first. The moon was nowhere to be seen, and the store remained as dark as ever. In order to entice the Abra into coming back after last night’s calamity, Adam had put all of the store’s Poké Chow on the ground in the middle of the storeroom, positively beckoning for something to come steal it. Adam hid himself in a different spot, with Stinger asleep yet again. This time, however, Mr. Paulo’s Porygon sat with Adam, somewhat oblivious to what was happening. It took far longer for anything to happen this time, and Adam was very close to giving up hope. But in the wee hours of the morning, his chance arrived. A now-familiar flash of purple light appeared, the Abra returning with it. The little psychic Pokémon seemed far more timid this time, walking slowly towards the pile of food while looking all around itself carefully. Having eventually made the conclusion tha the storeroom was safe, the Abra starting gathering heaps of Poké Chow into its arms. It was now that Adam decided to strike. He jumped up from behind his hiding boxes with a great yell. “BOOO!!!” Exactly as expected, the Abra was startled into dropping most of the food it was holding. “Pprygon! Use Lock-On before it escapes!”

    With a series of electronic beeps and whistles, Porygon flew into the open in front of Adam and immediately projected a holographic crosshair pattern onto Abra’s body. Abra, having had quite enough of this, disappeared yet again with a flash of purple light.

    “Do you still have it, Porygon? Which direction did it go?”

    Porygon took a few seconds, as if waiting. Then, light lighting, the Porygon snapped its entire body in midair to point due north.

    “Haha, alright Porygon, good job! It went North! Now all we have to do is wait until morning, and we can track it down.”

    Morning came very quickly, since the commotion had happened so late the night before. As the sun was just beginning to rise, a click on the front door signaled Mr. Paulo’s arrival to the shop. Adam was waiting for him behind the counter. Mr. Paulo seemed eager to know what had happened.

    “Did you catch my thief?”

    “Nope, but it’s ok. I wasn’t expecting to be able to track him until the sun was up anyway.”

    Mr. Paulo now seemed slightly exasperated. “What are you playing at, Adeem?”

    “I waited for the Abra to appear again last night. When it did, I had Porygon Lock-On to it right before it teleported away again. Now I know that its home id due north of here. And since I made sure it got to the food before I scared it, it’s going to be covered in mint-flavored Poké Chow.”

    “But how is being covered in Paulo’s Poke Chow going to help you catch my thief?”

    Adam gave a mischievous grin. “That’s the final part of my plan. Abra should be going to sleep right about now. Now that I know which direction to go in, all I have to do is walk north, and use Poochie’s sense of smell to track down the Poké Chow. Track the food, track the Abra. Once we find it sleeping, it will be easy to catch.”

    Mr. Paulo’s face slowly lit up as he comprehended Adam’s plan. “Adeem! You are a genius boy! Paulo knew he was right when he picked you to be favorite customeer!” Mr. Paulo ruffled Adam’s messy hair. “Now go! Go find my thief!”

    “We’re on it! Let’s go, Stinger!”
    ---

    Adam jogged out of the shop with Stinger chasing at his heels. He pulled out the Great Ball containing Mr. Paulo’s Poochyena, and let it fly. “Let’s go, Poochie!” With an explosion of red energy, a rather drowsy-looking Poochyena appeared at Adam’s feet.

    “Ok Poochie, I want you to get the scent of this Poké Chow. Got it? Ugh, ok, I guess you can eat it too. Now, we’re gonna go for a walk. I want you to keep your nose out for that scent, alright?” Poochyena gave an affirmative bark. “Good boy. Let’s go!”

    Adam, Poochie, and Stinger set off on Emerald Street headed due north. They walked several blocks, Poochie keeping his nose working the whole time. More than once they were led off onto a false path by other people’s Poké Chow being fed to their own Pokémon. By noon, nothing had turned up and Adam had been walking with the two Pokémon for twenty blocks. Adam’s feet were hurting, Stinger was lagging behind, and Poochie seemed to be very tired of smelling.

    “You two look pretty pooped. Let’s take a break, shall we?” Adam said, resigned. He took a seat on a street bench, and Poochie and Stinger curled up underneath it. “I didn’t imagine the Abra would have gone this far. But I guess when you can teleport, you can go as far as you want.” Adam ran his hand through his hair. “Maybe we won’t find it. I’m sure it won’t come back, though. We scared it pretty well twice now. If I were it I wouldn’t want to come back either.” For a good long while Adam sat, watching as the cars went by. He fell into a sort of trance, daydreaming about where Abra could have gone off to. Maybe it was from some faraway land like Hoenn, and teleported to Viridian city every night to get food. Did Abras commonly teleport long distances like that? It was something to think about…

    Adam was brought of his haze by Stinger and Poochie nipping at his heels. They were getting restless. “Ready to go? Alright, I guess we’ll head back to the shop. Come on.” Adam got up and set off down Emerald Street the same way they had come. This time as they walked back, he noticed a small ice cream shop on one of the corners. He beckoned to his two companions. “What do you two say? How about some ice cream? Then at least this whole day wouldn’t be a total waste, right?” Stinger and Poochie seemed to perk up immediately at the idea of getting a sweet treat to cool them down after a long summer day of walking. “That’s what I thought!” Adam said with a laugh.

    Adam went through the doors of the ice cream shop with his two little companions close behind. The place was busy, and there was a line coming from the counter all the way across the store. It looked like Adam and his two little Pokémon would have to wait. The line moved slowly, and eventually Poochie and Stinger began to wander about the place. Several people bent down to pet Poochie, and Stinger had engaged himself gnawing on one of the table legs. “Hey Stinger, come on! Stop that!” Adam left the line to scoop up the little Nidoran when he heard Poochie barking furiously in the corner of the ice cream shop. Several people looked very harassed by this behavior, and a few looked at Adam as if to tell him to do something. Adam rushed over to Poochie, who, he realized, was barking furiously at the door marked ROOF ACCESS.

    “What’s the matter boy? Why do you want to go up stairs?” Adam asked as he stroked Poochie, trying to calm him down. Poochie made a great show of sniffing and scratching at the door, followed by barking furiously. Adam got it. “You smell something? Upstairs?” Poochie yelped enthusiastically. “Well I guess we’ll have to get up to the roof. Come on!”

    Forgetting the ice cream, Adam and his two partners ran out of the shop. Adam hurried around to the back of the building, and sure enough there was a fire escape that went all the way up to the roof of the four-story building. “Thanks Poochie, Stinger and I can take it from here.” Adam recalled Poochie to his Pokéball. All that barking would have no doubt startled the Abra anyway. Stinger hopped up onto Adam’s right shoulder, and Adam took the fire escape’s stairs two at a time all the way up to the roof. Once there, he surveyed the area quickly. There was the small brick part of the roof that housed the staircase going downstairs inside, as well as a large air conditioning unit and several ventilation pipes and openings. Abra didn’t appear to be anywhere, but Adam hadn’t given up hope yet. The way the sun was shining, the shadow of the roof access enclosure was on the opposite end of where Adam was standing. “If I were an Abra, I’d want to be in the shade…”

    Adam and Stinger slowly crept their way around to the shaded half o the roof, and sure enough, there sat an Abra up against the wall, fast asleep. “Easy pickings, Stinger. You ready?” Stinger gave a cry of excitement. “Well then here we go. Tackle, Stinger!”

    Stinger dashed towards the Abra at full speed, this time connecting with his attack. The Abra awoke with a start, skidding across the concrete on top of the roof. Before it could get its bearings, however, Adam had already thrown a Pokéball at the psychic thief. It was a direct hit. The Abra got scooped into the Pokéball in a bright flash of red light, and the Pokéball hit the ground.

    One shake.

    Two shakes...


    The End
    Last edited by Nerdlord; 18th April 2010 at 07:41 PM.
    AIM: Ubersketchy621

  2. #2
    Trainer Ordinaire evanfardreamer's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunt for the Abra Food Thief!

    Comment per your request in the top thread:

    I really liked this story. Your pacing was fine; you skipped the boring parts with only a brief description of events happening, but gave plenty of description for important scenes so we could visualize.

    The beginning of the story was engaging; I liked that it kept mentioning the Snorlax Saga going on nearby. It gives the idea that the poor little town is so starved for anything major happening that they'll lock onto a Snorlax napping. It also gives us the idea that either the whole nation is this idyllic, or they're an insular town who focus more on local events of import. However, his waking up seemed more like he was hungover than representing it was early.

    Your caricature of the shopkeeper was classic; you had enough of an accent and dialectic choices to indicate he was likely a foreigner, but refrained from using it heavily enough to make fun of any particular race. My only quibble was that most accents would probably render Adam as 'Adem' 'Adom' or 'Adum' though the latter two would be close enough to retain the original spelling.

    And using the Porygon/Poochyena to track was a stroke of genius. Well done.

    Stinger’s only response was his tiny snoring as his head lay buried in his food bowl, asleep yet again.
    I 'aawwwww'ed hard at that. My coworkers now keep giving me funny looks as they come past my cubicle.
    Evan F's Stats

    Long Live the Ghost Dojo!

  3. #3
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunt for the Abra Food Thief!

    Plot: I admit. At first, there wasn’t anything special about the plot. A trainer out to catch a Pokémon thief isn’t anything new, but you managed to keep the story entertaining by having Adam try multiple times to get Abra. The way he utilized Poochie and Porygon was very smart, too. I was, however, disappointed in the fact that the whole Snorlax blocking off the path problem was not a part of the story. Yes, it may have been obvious if this was included, but at the same time, you mentioned the news report enough for me to theorize that it was going to play a role in your story and/or capture. That wasn’t the case, and I feel like I got hyped up for nothing. There’s nothing wrong with putting some random tidbits like that in a story, but sometimes the extra information can be misleading.

    I liked the fact that you have a foreign character in your story; I make those all the time. It would have been interested to know where Paulo was from. He had an accent, so he was obviously from somewhere far away, probably from another region. I just think that putting more information would have made his character more realistic.

    Introduction: Not the most exciting intro, but it worked for the type of character you made Adam to be. An action-packed intro full of battles would not fit him, in my opinion. Among the description of the surroundings, however, I didn’t catch a description about Adam himself. Not only do I have no idea what he looks like, but his age is also a total mystery. Usually, this isn’t that much of a big deal, in where in most URPG stories, the trainers are somewhere between 12 - 16 years of age. When you mentioned that Adam lived in an apartment with no evidence of parents, I had to wonder how old Adam is. Small details such as age can be huge in trainers. It can differentiate between newbie trainers with one, uninvolved Pokémon to casual trainers in their late teens/early adulthood who have a Pokémon as more of a friend than a battler. This can be more misleading information.

    Grammar/Spelling: There were a good handful of typos, especially towards the end. Proofread more closely to eliminate things like “adam” and “Pprygon.”

    Also, when a person is being addressed by another, you put a comma before the name of the addressed person. For example:

    “You’re being silly, Francine.”

    “I love you, Jake.”

    Length: Please include the length of your story somewhere in your posts; it makes it a lot easier to know whether the story is at a proper length. It will also help Galleon and I when we do Grader Wages. After putting this into a character counter, you managed to scrape 22K.

    Description/Detail: This area was iffy. You showed you can describe well. Adam’s room was described nicely, as well as other details. However, you neglected to describe very important things sometimes. Like I said earlier, I have no idea what Adam looks like, and the same goes for Paulo. Pokémon were scantly described at best. The surroundings, at times, were vague. On the matter of the Pokémon, you have to pretend that your reader knows nothing about Pokémon because, to be honest, who can draw up a detailed picture of every Pokémon while they’re reading? We’re bound to forget what some Pokémon look like, or we might even mix them up. Describing the Pokémon not only gets you used to describing everything, but it also provides the reader with a reminder.

    Your characters, especially your main ones like Adam, need to be described. Character description can vary, depending on their importance, and the most important characters are going to be the ones who will have more to contribute to the story. If we can’t see them, even a bit, we’ll be following a shadow or our own character throughout the whole thing.

    Other than that, the description you had was a bit list-y. For example, when you described the posters in Adam’s room and the Pokémart, it followed the pattern, “There was this with… Beside that was….” It’s good to be descriptive, but when you throw out all the details at once, one after the other, it can give the reader a bit of an overload. When they add one detail to a scene, they have to add another, then another, then another, all in one paragraph. By spreading out the detail throughout that scene of your story, you are gradually creating the picture of the bedroom or the market. The reader can take a breather here and there.

    Battle: There wasn’t much of a battle; the whole thing was more like a wild goose chase. I’ll give you props, once again, for coming up with that clever tracking technique, but you have to give Abra more credit. Apart from Teleport, he can learn a good handful of Egg Moves, such as the elemental punches and Encore. He can also learn Tms, and seeing as how in the games, you find Tms on the ground, it’s possible Abra could pick these up. If you don’t want to make Abra seem too unbelievable, you can still utilize Teleport while remembering the fact that Abra has claws on his hands and feet, which he can use to scratch with. Pokémon are merely animals with more tricks up their sleeves. They can still bite, scratch, kick, and so on.

    Outcome: Despite some iffy description and a battle-less battle, the story was well-done. Abra captured! Keep my points in mind for your future stories, and you’ll be able to snag any Pokémon with little problem. :3

    - Kat


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  4. #4
    Dork Nerdlord's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunt for the Abra Food Thief!

    Great, thanks!I appreciate the input immensely.

    One quick thing I'd like to point out, Adam's age IS mentioned in the opening scene. Granted, it was said offhandedly, and I'm not surprise dyou didn't catch it. Otherwise, your points are completely valid.

    Thanks again!
    AIM: Ubersketchy621

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