The Hunt

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Thread: The Hunt

  1. #1
    Registered User eternus_situs's Avatar
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    Default The Hunt

    Target Pokemon: Mankey
    Target Length: 5k
    Final outcome:5,317
    Status:Completed

    The jungle was quiet except for the buzz of Yanmega and mosquito’s, the slight rustle in the leaves and the clicking of the Heracross and dung beetles, green vines hang from every tree, large branches and dark tree trunks, leaves the size of pillows at every turn. A Mankey sits in a tree, hidden behind a blanket of leaves only his eyes can be seen from the outside, he waits for his moment and the leaps from his hiding place. Grabbing onto a vine in front and swinging to another makes the leaves move as he swings, a faint ruffle of a branch as he fly’s by it.

    It will not show his position to his prey though, and if all goes well he will be full this night. He swings like he is mad, known as the angry Pokémon it is no surprise. His hand-like paws stretch out to grab hold of vines as he swings from one to another in the treetops, high above the receding ground as he swings ever higher. Every step he takes off a branch in between vines reassures him of his capabilities, reassures him that life is on his side, always providing for his needs.

    His eyes focus ahead on his target: a Pidgey flying through the air dodging the trees as he whips around them, one hundred feet is all that separate them, a small distance for one that is so dedicated to the hunt. Mankey’s movements became faster each limb swinging wildly towards its prey, grabbing onto the environment as easily as a he would grab his own hand. His breathing gets heavier air whistles from his snout as he keeps swinging. Exerting himself for the pray is getting harder but if he stops then his efforts would be for nothing. His heart beat starts to regulate matching the rhythm of his swinging arms and legs. His eyes glow red as he gets closer his anger evident on his face, his movements get stronger and stronger forcing himself to speed up to catch the Pidgey. He leaps from another vine grabbing onto a thin one just ahead, it slows him down as it breaks but he continues, feet finding their way on a thick branch propelling him onwards.

    The Mankey realises how close it is and before it hits the next branch it uses a low kick of a tree trunk launching itself high into the air above the Pidgey, he begins to fall making a shadow form underneath the Pidgey who didn’t know it was being chased until it saw the shadow. The Pidgey dives hoping to make the Mankey crash from falling, the Mankey follows though not heeding the warning bells going off in its head, he propels himself faster downwards to catch up with the Pidgey again pulling himself closer to the ground with his arms pushing on the underside of branches.

    The Pidgey can feel the adrenaline and flips onto its back so as to free fall backwards and see its attacker, the fear is evident on the Pidgey’s face as he sees the attacker and realises that his only way to defend itself would be to hit and run. It slashes its wings at the Mankey forming air at the tips and throwing it in the direction of the Mankey’s face, it hits it right in the snout. The pain would be unbearable if not for his anger and adrenaline; it shook of the wound and continued, only angrier then before the attack by the Pidgey, Mankey’s power only increases as it gets angrier.

    The Mankey cannot wait any longer to make his main attack, especially when he knows that it will have him fed for the coming night and until the next hunt. Knowing that his next move will determine everything he focuses not wanting to waste all of his effort, he brings both arms sweeping down in a cross motion, slashing open the Pidgey’s chest when the fists chopped into its chest like an axe into wood. He pulls his arms away from the Pidgey’s chest ripping it open slightly more, blood sprayed away from the small chest and blood dripped from the arms of the Mankey.

    The ground was quickly appearing below the two Pokémon, the Mankey has no way of stopping himself from hitting the ground but to reach out for the branch’s and vines that were whipping past his face and body. Holding the Pidgey’s almost lifeless body in its foot paws, this meant that he wasn’t able to use his greatest manoeuvring limbs, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to survive the crash even in this enraged state. His only option was to use the Pidgey’s body to break the fall, he transferred the almost lifeless body to his tail, which curled around it. Just before he reached the slightly dark soil he slammed his strong tail down on the ground using the body of the Pidgey to absorb most of the momentum. Then using its strong legs it touched down absorbing the rest of the shock with his knees as he crouched into the landing, dust rose around the Mankey as he landed. The small clearing was quiet as the dusty started to settle, a slight ring becoming evident around the Mankey. He transferred the Pidgey’s body to his hands and felt a slight heart beat; he silenced it quickly with a quick scratch to the Pidgey’s throat finally silencing the Pidgey’s life.

    This meal will be enough for now but soon the Mankey will have to go on the hunt again to feed itself, no animal or Pokémon will be free from this monster, it has rages that last for days and is well equipped to hurt others. Soon this Pokémon will be on the hunt again; Arceus help what gets in his way, no matter what it is it will fall to it’s never ending hunger and need for blood.

  2. #2
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunt

    AND HERE WE GO.

    Plot/Intro
    This was quite a good idea you had running there. I liked the idea that the story was the story of a Mankey looking for his evening meal. It was like a little children's book showing them how different animals get their food ... and I mean that in the nicest way possible, I swear.

    This plot could probably go for more than a Simple 'mon as its quite unique and not just THIS GUY GOES HERE AND THEN WURMPLE COMES OUT OF TREE AND BOOM. I like it when people put thought into even easier categories, you've got yourself a good career in writing if you can keep up plots and stories like this.

    Maybe you should write children's books? XD

    Grammar/Spelling
    I noticed a few problems here.

    One being you switch from past to present tense quite a bit, which can make things a little bit confusing. For example-

    "The jungle was quiet ... green vines hang from every tree"
    As 'was' is a verb in the past tense and 'hang' is a verb in the present tense you'll want to switch around which tense. Likely making 'was' to 'is' as most of your story is in the present tense hereafter.

    Another problem was long long long run-ons.


    This bad boy could be split up quite a bit to something more like this:
    A Mankey sits in a tree, hidden behind a blanket of leaves. Only his eyes can be seen from the outside as he waits for his moment and then leaps from his hiding place grabbing onto a vine in front. Mankey swings to another making the leaves move.

    You also add in things that make sentences redundant, such as in the above quote at the end you put "swinging to another makes the leaves move as he swings"
    Since we know he's swinging already you don't need to add in that the leaves move because of it.

    Not bad, here. These are just a few minor mistakes.

    Length
    Yeahyeah. Fine.

    Detail
    This was good too. Like I said earlier, like a children's book. Everything was easily described which made it possible to picture each scene - whether it was Mankey swinging from vine to vine or Pidgey's body slapping down onto the ground after its defeated. However, a few things you could work on in the case that you want to write for anything harder than a Simple or Medium tier 'mon.

    First off, make sure you describe what the Pokemon look like - yeah yeah, this is a Pokemon forum and a Pokemon RPG, but pretend we have no idea what Pokemon are or look like. Hell you could go as far as to pretend we don't know what anything looks like, smells like, or any of that jazz. Do anything to make the story come to life. But don't go overboard as that could distract from the story itself.

    Battle
    I don't have much to say here as it's just another battle.

    Like I said in the detail section don't forget to describe everything as it happens and whatnot. But you did a good job at that, even.

    Outcome
    WELL THIS STORY WAS ... pretty good, actually. Just make sure you proof read your story a bit, before posting it. Even little typos and errors can make it all the better. :wink:

    Mankey captured.
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 3rd May 2011 at 06:48 PM.

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