Hooting Love

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  1. #1
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Hooting Love

    Difficulty: Simple

    A young woman about the age of twenty four rolled out of bed. Her hazel eyes looked red and puffy, and black circles surrounded them. She approached her dresser and sighed. She let her red hair out of the now messy bun that it was in and let it fall down to the middle of her back. Another sigh escaped her as she closed her eyes.

    About thirty minutes later, she made her way downstairs and into the kitchen. A Growlithe was at her feet instantly. The girl noted that the Growlithe's food bowl was empty, and she went to fill it back up. As soon as it was full, the Growlithe ran over to it. She grabbed the water bowl, dumped the old water in the sink, and refilled it with fresh, cold water before placing it back down next to the food bowl that Growlithe was currently eating out of.

    A sigh escaped her again as she peaked in the fridge. No eggs, no pancake mix, nothing. All she had in her fridge was a milk carton. A quick glance at the expiration date indicated that it expired a week ago. She picked up the carton and tossed it in the trash.

    "I'm going out, Growlithe. I need some food. I'll be back later," the girl announced. She grabbed a black coat off of the coat rack and threw it on over her purple dress before walking out of her house and locking the door behind her. As soon as she set foot on the sidewalk, she was nearly run over by one of her neighbors, a young girl with black hair about the age of fifteen.

    "Sorry, Miss Carden! I'd stop and chat, but I'm late for school!" the girl cried as she continued running.

    "Wait!" the red-haired woman called after her. "I can give you a ride, Kate! You'll get there faster!"

    The girl with black hair stopped and ran back towards Miss Carden. She looked really hopeful. "Really? That'd be great, Miss Carden! I really appreciate it!"

    The girls entered a cerulean blue car with Miss Carden getting in the driver's seat and Kate in the passenger's seat. They buckled up their seat belts, Miss Carden started the car up, and they were driving down the street.

    Miss Carden lived in a small neighborhood just outside of Violet City. She preferred it there to the city because it was quieter. She didn't have to deal with all of the hustle and bustle of the city every day. She only had to deal with it when she came into the city, like today for example.

    She made a stop outside of the Pokemon School so that Kate could get out of the car and head in for her class. Her next stop was the Poke Mart, and that was where she parked her car. Miss Carden stepped out of the car and grabbed her black crossbody bag before closing the door to the car and entering the Poke Mart.

    As soon as she walked in, she grabbed a cart. If her refrigerator was empty, chances were the pantries were empty too. She didn't know about other people, but Miss Carden liked to eat. Maybe not as much as her Growlithe, but she still liked to eat.

    After about a good ten to fifteen minutes, she was nearly done shopping. She just needed to get another bag of Pokemon food for her Growlithe so that it wouldn't starve to death and the items that came from the freezers in the back of the store, like milk. Hopefully milk that wasn't expired. She was about to make her way to the back of the store after grabbing her Growlithe's Pokemon food when her cart collided with another cart. She had been a little preoccupied with looking at her PokeGear that she hadn't realized someone was in front of her as she was walking. Miss Carden looked up and paled slightly.

    "Hello, Mel. How have you been?" a masculine voice asked. A young man about two years older than her was in front of her. He had dark brown hair and emerald green eyes. Mel found herself staring at him for a brief moment. She shook her head. Melanie Carden would not shed a tear. Not in front of him.

    "Need nothing to complete myself," she whispered to herself. It was one of her favorite lines from Katy Perry's Wide Awake. It described her life perfectly at the time she had heard it, and she went to the lengths of memorizing the song. "I've been fine. What about you, Jacob?"

    The young man named Jacob seemed a little taken aback. He hadn't expected Mel to use his full name rather than the nickname she had given him when they were together. Regardless, he managed to keep a smile on his face as he replied. "Fantastic. How about we meet up tomorrow night at the Pidgey Restaurant? Six o'clock sound good? We can catch up. It's been awhile since we've last spoken to each other."

    "I'll think about it. I have to go now. Growlithe is waiting for me back at home," Mel replied. She pushed past Jacob with her cart and made her way to the freezers in the back of the store. Tears were filling up her eyes, and Melanie blinked them away. She would not cry in public. She had to whisper another line or two from Wide Awake to keep herself together at least until she got home. "And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems. Need nothing to complete myself."

    The following evening, Melanie found herself curled up in a ball on the couch. The news was on, and she had no desire to get up and get the remote to change the channel. She wasn't paying much attention to it anyways. She was too busy thinking about whether or not she should go see Jacob at the Pidgey Restaurant or stay at home. Growlithe was in his bed, sleeping.

    "Perhaps I should go... All he said he wanted to do was catch up," Melanie said softly. With a sigh, she got up and got ready. She looked like absolute crap right now, and she would hate to see Jacob in the condition she was in. She still loved him, even after he cheated on her. Love was weird like that.

    About fourty-five minutes later, Melanie found herself sitting at a table by herself waiting for Jacob. A frown slowly started to develop on her face. 'Maybe he's ditching me... Maybe this was a set up. I shouldn't have come. I'm so stupid,' Melanie thought. But then she saw him. Jacob was here. A sigh of relief escaped Mel.

    "Sorry I'm late. I got caught up in a little traffic," Jacob said as he sat down.

    "It's fine. I was getting a little worried you wouldn't come though," Melanie replied. Jacob chuckled.

    "Oh, please, Mel. Those days are over," Jacob replied. Melanie's face paled. She should have seen this coming. "I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend again. What I did was stupid. I'm sorry. Will you take me back, Mel? Please?"

    Melanie sort of froze up. She wasn't really sure what to say. Part of her wanted to quote Wide Awake, stand up, and leave. Go back home and hide in her room, bawling her eyes out as she had done the past three months. The other part of her told her to stay and say yes to Jacob. "Yes."

    It sort of just came out. Mel wasn't really ready to let out that simple, three letter word, but it just came out. There was no taking it back now, but as soon as that single syllable word came out of her mouth, a smile lit up her face. At least for a good thirty seconds or so. People screaming wiped the smile off of Mel's face.

    "Let's go see what that is, shall we?" Jacob asked. He threw a few Poke Dollars on the table for the drinks and as a tip before jumping up and running out of the restaurant. Mel took a moment to regain her composure before leaping up and following Jacob.

    Several Hoothoot causing a ruckus were the cause of people screaming. The city's gym leader, Faulkner, was trying to calm them down to no avail. A mouse-like Pokemon with a lightning bolt as the tip of its tail ran towards the owls.

    "Thunderbolt!" Jacob cried. Mel watched as a large bolt of thunder struck down a couple of the Hoothoot, rendering them unconscious. "Do it again!"

    And this continued until all of the Hoothoot were defeated. Jacob returned his Raichu to its Poke Ball and turned to Melanie. A smile was on his face. "Shall we go back to your place, Mel? Perhaps we could pick up dinner on the way?"

    Mel smiled. "And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems. The story's over now, the end." Jacob looked a little confused, but Melanie ignored it. "I'm sorry. Yes, that sounds perfect, Jakey. I'm sure Growlithe would appreciate more company than myself anyways."

    Together, hand in hand, Melanie and Jacob made their way to a small restaurant near the edge of town. One story ended, but another story began.

    Word Count: 1543
    Character Count: 8360
    Pokemon: Hoothoot


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  2. #2
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    Default Re: Hooting Love

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  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hooting Love

    Plot

    So, you had 8K to write a story and your plot wasn't too bad. You squeezed a fair amount in, fitting in a whole day, which for a Simple Capture is a good start. At this point of writing you have freedom to write a plot and if you do it should be relatively long, and you did this. I'm not one for love stories, especially with such little room to fit it in but you did it well. You explained a long relationship concisely and clearly and Melanie's feelings were explained well. If you had had her simply hating Jacob it would have been confusing if she had accepted him. Putting in music from real world people was an interesting and quite rare idea. You seem to have a thing for Katy Perry but that can be forgiven.

    Grammar

    Your grammar was mostly sound, but there were a couple of mistakes.

    As soon as she set foot on the sidewalk, she was nearly run over by one of her neighbors, a young girl with black hair about the age of fifteen.

    "Sorry, Miss Carden! I'd stop and chat, but I'm late for school!" the girl cried as she continued running.

    "Wait!" the red-haired woman called after her. "I can give you a ride, Kate! You'll get there faster!"
    This whole section confused me because you said one thing: she was nearly run over. Those words implied that it was by a car, rather than a human. So I was reading this, thinking that this woman had been run over by a fifteen year old in a car and then was offered a lift and then took the car once the kid had parked at school. If you had said she was nearly knocked over I would have immediately understood. While I'm on this topic it would also have been better to have used Melanie's name previously, so when ambiguities like this appear you can separate the confusion quickly.

    Later on you said:

    Hopefully milk that wasn't expired
    Here it sounds better to say hadn't rather than wasn't. You would use wasn't for an adjective like red or fast. Even though expired can count as an adjective its status as a participle overides that in this sentence. Also it would be better to put the "that" in front of milk. So the sentence looks like.

    Hopefully that milk hadn't expired.
    Later you said:

    The news was on, and she had no desire to get up and get the remote to change the channel.
    Here the comma is not necessary. It isn't incorrect, but just so you know for future reference.

    Description

    This is a big part of stories and you used a lot of it. Sometimes it worked really well, like here:

    The girls entered a cerulean blue car
    This gave me a much better image of the car. Some other times, however, it made the sentence a bit clunky, like here:

    She grabbed a black coat off the coat rack and threw it on over her purple dress.
    Using multiple colours in a sentence makes it become clunky and it starts to sound like a French translation. So a note for further use would be to use description but don't use too much. It's like makeup (or, as I think of it, Vibrato on an E flat trumpet as I don't know much about makeup), use a bit and it improves your look a lot. Use too much and it's weird.

    The Battle

    Your battle could have been a bit better. Your move descriptions were good, especially for a Simple Capture, but you could have made it a bit longer and less one sided. You had one Pokémon against a horde, which can make out for a great battle, especially when they're birds. A longer battle is always better, whatever the circumstance, and have your enemy fight back. If you had had Hoothoot diving down left, right and centre it would have made for a brilliant battle with poor Raichu barely holding on. But this is just a Simple Capture and I'm getting carried away. But when you progress on further with your stories try to make a battle as long, fair and detailed as you can.

    Verdict

    This story was good. There weren't many grammar errors, you had a lot of plot but not too much and loads of description. Also I'd be really mean to fail your first story (in a while at least) so well done, Hoothoot Captured! I wish you luck in URPG!
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