16th April 2010, 02:38 AM #1
The Honor of Fighting
The story begins at the top secret team rocket base. Giovanni had called for an assembly of all the new member of team rocket. He told us that he needed a spy in the Pokémon league and that he wanted one of us to go out and take down the elite four, he asked for volunteers and me and another person both volunteer so Giovanni proposed a 2 v 2 Pokémon battle between me and him, we both agreed. The only problem is I only had my Magby so I quick rushed out to try and catch a Pokémon. I knew that my opponent had a Charmander and a Gloom so I thought I would go out and get a water type, so I ran to the coast and started looking.
I looked around and saw a Magikarp but I ignored it. I saw a fisherman around and I asked if I could go out with him and he agreed. Me and him set off, behind me I saw that same Magikarp following us. While on the boat I and he made small talk about Pokémon until we reached a good point far in the middle of the lake. I took of my shirt and dived into the water to look for Pokémon to catch. I saw a few Poliwags and a Goldeen or two, I throw pokeballs at them but with only a fire type I had no way of weakening them. I came up for air and the fisherman ask me if I had any luck I asked him if we had any water Pokémon I could borrow, he let me borrow his Poliwag to help me weaken them. I dived back in with the Poliwag and attempted to take down another Poliwag to catch it but the fisherman’s Poliwag was very weak and was easily defeated. I swam around some more when suddenly from out of the sea I see a humongous red Gyarados rushing right at me I quickly sent out the fisherman’s Poliwag and attempted to try and capture it. Poliwag was quickly knocked away and the Gyarados smashed be with a direct impact I was completely knocked out and I was on the brink of drowning when out of the blue out of the corner of my eye I could see that some Magikarp that was following me. When I woke up I was on the boat with the fisherman. He explained to me that the Magikarp single handedly carried me back to the boat. I quickly broke in to tear and jumped into the water and gave the Magikarp a huge hug and it was overrun with joy. I throw a pokeball at it and captured it.
After another 3 hours of looking all I could catch was that Magikarp, I knew that I could not win with just them and I was out of time, so I walked to the Pokémon center to get my Pokémon healed when I saw a young trainer who was boasting a Tyrogue he just caught. I walked up to him and showed him my Magby. He was immediately stricken with wonder and awe so I offered him a trade and he accepted. He put his Tyrogue on the trade machine and I put my Magby in too, but right as the Pokémon switched I quick shouted “look over their” he look and I quickly switched my Magby for my Magikarp. By the time he looked back the trade had been completed and I had quickly made off with his Tyrogue.
I returned to the base and began my battle with the other rocket member. Just as I though he called out a gloom and a Charmander, so I called out my Magby and my Tyrogue. Magby immediately rushed at gloom and used fire punch, a direct hit it was super effective and gloom fell o it back but Charmander quickly hit Magby with a head butt and knocked him back. Tyrogue was scared, I could see it in his eyes, so I quickly went down on one knee and told him “get in there and fight, you and Magby are friends now and friend look out for one another. Your one of my Pokémon now and that means you’re part of my family now. You and Magby are brothers, I care about both of you but I won’t be easy on you. I’m a tough trainer and I won’t let you slack off. If you’re too weak I will leave you and release you back to the wild, now get your ass in there and fight for me and for Magby.” Tyrogue was busting into tears and quick rushed into battle. He ran up and gave Charmander I quick punch right in the face getting him off Magby who ran over and used fire punch again on gloom that had just gotten back up. Gloom was knocked back again and let out a flamethrower directly at Tyrogue; Magby quickly ran in front of it and easily blocked the fire type attack. The other train yelled “gloom used synthesis” I quickly panicked because I did not want to have to start over against the gloom to I came up with a plan. I quickly had Tyrogue throw Magby as hard as he could at gloom, Magby then unleashed a fire punch as hard as he could and knocked out gloom. “Yes one down” I yelled excitedly, but Charmander came up right next to Magby and used slam and smashed Magby into the ground. Magby was knocked out, and that left Tyrogue all alone for his first battle. Charmander quickly jumped straight at Tyrogue and he quickly blocked the headbutt, Charmander tried to scratch but Tyrogue used fake out, dodged it and the knocked Charmander out with on final punch I had won the battle. I ran at Tyrogue and gave him a big hug. Giovanni came out clapping and congratulated me, I said thank you and he left with me to explain the details. He told me that I had to travel all around the world and collect 8 badges that I would need to be eligible to battle the elite 4. He gave me a map and told me to leave in the morning. I woke up next morning and departed for my journey.
I figured that I should say goodbye to the fisherman who helped me so I walked down to the dock and a saw a man who had just captured a Pokémon. I looked in closer to see what he caught. Then out from behind the man I heard a voice yell “THAT’S HIM DADDY”, it was the kid who I traded that Magikarp to, I quickly turned around and tried to run but it was too late. The father was already charging at me at full speed. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the ground. He punched me right in the face before I managed to slip between his legs and get a good look at him. What a saw was a giant monstrosity of a man standing 7 feet tall with muscles the size of a machokes. He yells at me “DID YOU STEAL MY SONS POKEMON” “ya I did, so what” I replied “THAT TYROGUE WAS THE OFFSPRING OF OUR WORLD CHAMPION HITMONLEE NOW GIVES IT BACK” I suggested we have a battle for and he agreed.
So we began, he sent out his first Pokémon and it was my old Magikarp I sent out Magby and quickly cooked it with an ember attack and knocked it out. He crabbed the Pokémon he just caught off the ground and threw it onto the field, the sparks flew out and I was shocked with what games out. What game out was a giant red Gyarados, the same Gyarados that has nearly killed me before. It immediate lunged at my Magby, Magby quickly dodged and used smokescreen, but it was ineffective against the Gyarados. Gyarados used hyper beam it missed but launched Magby into the air he then slammed Magby with full force back down to the ground, he then hit Magby with a full force hydro pump and knocked him out. I was completely over run with fear and with regret I sent out Tyrogue. “Daddy don’t hurt it too much it still mine” to little boy proclaimed, “I WON’T” the father yelled. The final showdown had begun, we both had one Pokémon left each and it was winner take all. Gyarados began with using slam on Tyrogue but he was able to dodge it, at that time I remember what the father had said about him being the child of a Hitmonlee and I remembered that Tyrogue learns a new move when it is breeded using a Hitmonlee. “Tyrogue use hi jump kick” I yelled and like a switch Tyrogue jumped up and kicked Gyarados right in the gut. It seemed only mildly effective and Gyarados easily shakes if off and used hyper beam but he was still a bit disoriented from Magby’s smokescreen and he missed. While he was still recovering Tyrogue hit him with another Hi Jump Kick, this one seemed to be more effective and Gyarados seemed to be dazed from the blow, so Tyrogue used another hi jump kick on him, this sent Gyarados into a rage. He was flailing and blasting hyper beam in every direction. Tyrogue was powerless to doge them all and got slammed down to the ground and blasted with a few hyper beams. He was knocked out in an instant, the fight was over and I lost.
The young child was cheering with excitement. I released the Tyrogue and the boy called it over to him, Tyrogue immediately ran behind me. “He does not want to go with you” I said to the father and I returned it to the pokeball. I started walk away and I heard out of the corner of my eyes, as I turned around I saw the father with a large piece of wood. WHAM! He smashed it over my head and I was out cold. I awoke several hours later to find the pokeball with Tyrogue gone along with my wallet. I went back to the base and went to tell Giovanni the bad news. As I spied in the room I saw Giovanni scolding 3 odd characters. The first one was a woman with long red hair that shot out of her head like a spike, the second was a suave looking man with short blueist purple hair, and the final one was the most peculiar one of them all it was a talking Meowth. Giovanni was scolding them about never getting any rare Pokémon and mentioned the name Pikachu a great deal. As they walked out I offered them a proposal, I suggest that there was an incredible rare red Gyarados at a house in the town and that I could help them break into the house to steal it. The 3 of them agreed and we waited till that night to set out.
That night the 4 of us set out to the house, we arrived and snuck in through a window on the side of the house. I told them that we should slip up through to two halls I directed them to the room of the father while I headed straight for the kids room to get my Tyrogue back. I entered the room and it was a mess, there were toys, clothes and food all over the grounds so I had to be very quiet and sneaky. Just as my hand had nearly grabbed the pokeball, I heard a loud scream. I grabbed the pokeball and ran as fast as I could. When I got to the room I saw the father who grabbed all the 3 of them, he had The team rocket women and The team rocket man grabbed by the neck held over his head and his foot was crushing meowth’s tail.
I ran up and punched him right in the gut and he let go of them, I punched him again right in the face. “YOU’VE GOT SOME FIGHT IN YA KID” he yelled “1st place boxer at team rocket academy” I explained to him “THEN LETS FIGHT”. I charged right at him and put up my fists. He punched left then right then left again I dodged all 3 and then punched him twice in the face and once in the gut. He grabbed my arm and threw me to the ground, I quickly rolled over to the side and he punched the ground and hurt his hand, I jumped back to my feet and gave him a few quick jabs to the head. He got up and smacked me right in the side of the head and I lost my balance but regain my shifting my weight onto a wall. He charged at me I dodged and knocked him down to the ground I hit him a few time while on the ground, he then picked me up and slammed me against the wall I kicked him in the chin to break his grip and then I quickly hit him with three powerful punches right to the face and then knocked him out with one powerful uppercut right to the face, he was out cold.
Me, The team rocket women, The team rocket man, and Meowth grabbed the red Gyarados pokeball and ran off. As we passed the coast the pokeball busted open and an enraged red Gyarados immerged. I quickly unleashed Tyrogue and The team rocket women and the team rocket man let out a Weezing and an Arbok. I was 3 against 1 so we had the strength in numbers but I knew personally the strength of that Gyarados. Arbok used poison sting and Weezing used smokescreen it was not very effective against him. I knew from experience we had to defeat him quickly before he went into rage mode again, so I came up with a plan. I had Tyrogue grab Arbok and throw him as hard as possible, he bit him and cause a great deal of damage to the Gyarados. After that Tyrogue kicked Weezing as directly at Gyarados and right when he hit him the team rocket man had Weezing use explosion. Gyarados was nearly defeated but was still standing, barely; Tyrogue put all his energy and knocked down the red Gyarados with one final powerful Hi Jump Kick shockwaves pulsed from the impact of the blow.
We returned to base without the red Gyarados but I had gotten my prize back. I never told Giovanni what happened over the last 2 days and I probably never will. The next morning I woke up and said my final goodbyes to the people in the town. Before I left I passed by the dock and saw the fisherman one last time, I said my goodbyes and left on my way out of town. As I was leaving the town I was that man waiting for me by the gate. I walked up to him and right before I left he yelled “YOU’RE ONE HELL OF A FIGHTER KID, I WANNA FIGHT YOU AGAIN WHEN YOU GET BACK, IT WAS A HONOR TO FIGHT YOU YOU’VE EARNED THAT TYROGUE, GOOD LUCK WITH YOU JOURNEY AND TRY NOT TO DIE.” With that I left the town and started out on my Pokémon journey with my Magby and Tyrogue. Then about 2 hours after leaving town I realized.......
He still has my wallet!
Ready For Grading
Last edited by dracy; 22nd April 2010 at 02:16 PM.
All Hail Giovanni!
23rd April 2010, 12:37 AM #2
Head of the URPG
Re: The Honor of Fighting
So where do I start? I suppose I want to compliment you for attempting to capture a Tyrogue, by our standards, a medium pokemon. So far, I haven't seen many people attempt to capture a pokemon this rare and it's good to see new URPG members going for the goal.
That said, there are a few things I would recommend you improve.
There isn't much of an introduction as much as you jumping directly into the plot of the story. The main character, who we never learned the name of, decided to volunteer, as a new member of Team Rocket, to infiltrate the Elite 4. Of course, being a less experienced trainer, he needs to capture more Pokemon in order to have a shot at defeating his rival, who we also don't know the name of, and earning Giovanni's approval.
I admit, I wasn't really enticed to read the story as much as dragged in by it. There isn't a hook, just a beginning, and is rather similar to the rest of the story. There is nothing to really set it apart and thus it's quite weak. When I read a story, I want the first few paragraphs to really pull me in and hook me into reading the rest. Perhaps describe the emotions of the protagonist as he volunteers for this duty or maybe what he's thinking. Or perhaps start from a different point of view like Giovanni's. Even a dream sequence that relates to the story would work well. The point is to be creative.
By my count, you have a total of 13,052 characters, including spaces. For a medium pokemon, you need 10k-20k characters, so you're within the range, on the weak side. It's good that you have the proper length, but that doesn't mean you exceeded expectations.
There are quite a few mistakes in here and the writing just feels very rushed and unpolished. I'll try to help you out as best as I can. I'll point out a few things, but I can't post every mistake.
Me and him set off, behind me I saw that same Magikarp following us.
You never address yourself in this order. It should be "He and I". Additionally, the second part of the sentence does not fit grammatically with the first part. It either needs to be a new sentence or joined with a conjunction. Here is a better way to write it.
"He and I set off. Behind me I saw the same Magikarp following us."
My friend, additionally, commas are your friend at certain points. However, sometimes having too many commas means that your sentence needs to be broken up. In many cases, you use a comma where a period should be. Here's an example.
After another 3 hours of looking all I could catch was that Magikarp, I knew that I could not win with just them and I was out of time, so I walked to the Pokémon center to get my Pokémon healed when I saw a young trainer who was boasting a Tyrogue he just caught.
It's a run-on sentence that describes a lot of action in a small space. Additionally, you seem to me missing a few commas to separate certain phrases. Additionally, the first clause needs a subject.
"After another 3 hours of looking, I could only catch Magikarp. I knew that I could not win with just Magikarp, but I was out of time. I walked to the Pokemon center to heal my Pokemon. While my Pokemon was being healed, I heard a young trainer boasting about a Tyrogue he just caught."
Additionally, I highly recommend that you separate your paragraphs a bit more. I saw that you did a little bit of it already, but you need to focus more on separating different ideas. Let me use the above example.
"After another 3 hours of looking, I could only catch Magikarp. I knew that I could not win with just Magikarp, but I was out of time. I walked to the Pokemon center to heal my Pokemon.
While my Pokemon was being healed, I heard a young trainer boasting about a Tyrogue he just caught."
Different locations should be separated as they help the reader understand the transition of traveling. Spaces help give a natural break to the readers and let them know there is a new idea. Additionally, you need to put dialogue in their own paragraphs. Otherwise, it just seems to jumbled.
“DID YOU STEAL MY SONS POKEMON” “ya I did, so what” I replied “THAT TYROGUE WAS THE OFFSPRING OF OUR WORLD CHAMPION HITMONLEE NOW GIVES IT BACK”
I understand who's talking, but it just is too close. Everything runs together.
"DID YOU STEAL MY SON'S POKEMON?!" the man yelled.
"Ya, I did. So what?" I replied.
"THAT TYROGUE WAS THE OFFSPRING OF OUR WORLD CHAMPION, HITMONLEE!" he shouted. "NOW GIVES IT BACK!”
See, much better. Also, don't forget to put in the proper punctuation. It really matters when it comes to figuring out a meaning of a sentence.
You have decent spelling though. I give you that.
You actually have an interesting plot here, though it becomes difficult to follow thanks to various organizational and grammar issues. Another reason why grammar helps a story.
I have one thing to say, however. The plot is too convoluted. It just seems like I'm jumping from one scene to another within only a few sentences. Whenever we see a certain part of the world you've written, it's only for a short while. I get no sense of detail with anyone.
The biggest annoyance, however, was the lack of logic sometimes. Sure the main character is a bad guy, after all, he works for Team Rocket. But the other characters are not. Would the man really give him the Tyrogue he stole? I think not. Just because he was a good fighter doesn't mean he deserves to keep a stolen Pokemon. And even if you had a good reason for it, I need to see more than just that line of dialogue. What was the thought process going through the man's head? Was he concerned that the Tyrogue preferred the protagonist over his son? Why trust a Pokemon to a boy who is clearly untrustworthy.
You have given this man no personality other than he's a father and strongly approves of martial arts. To me, that indicates a strong sense of honor. There is no honor in theft and I fail to see why the man would give the Pokemon at all. The story needs to demonstrate to me how to get from point A to point D. It seems we're missing points B and C.
Description and Detail
This was your worst aspect.
There was very little detail. I didn't know much about the main character except that he was young, a member of Team Rocket, and rather cocky. He also seemed to lack basic morals. While certainly a viable character, that doesn't explain to me who he really is. What does he look like? Why did he join Team Rocket? Does he have any sense of compassion? How does he feel after each event? The main character is a blank slate to me, generic beyond belief.
The other characters all share this trait to various extents. How do I know who these people are if I don't know what they look like or how they act? How old is the man? How kind is the fisherman? Why does Giovanni trust such a task to a young kid? What are their motivations? The more detail you can share with me, the easier it is for me to figure out why they act as they did.
The most detail you provided me was of the Team Rocket characters we've seen in the television show. To me that indicates that perhaps you're more of a visual person. Don't worry, I am one as well. Try this. Imagine your main character and what he looks like. What is his hair color? What does he wear? How tall is he? How old? Does he stand up straight or kind of slouch a little? Write down the answer to these questions. Those are the details you want to add into your story and make the character come alive. And not just the protagonist, but all of the characters you've written.
Details aren't restricted to characters, however. You can also describe locations. Where are they fighting? Is the water murky or clear? What kind of house is it? What kind of window? How large or how small? By sharing details of your location, I can better see the environment you put your characters in.
Descriptions and details allow for a better story in two ways. It slows down your story, allowing the reader to absorb the world around them as your characters travel through it. It also lets the reader visualize what your world is like and who your characters are. If they can picture your story the same way they can picture a television episode, your story is a success. And if you wanted to be more pragmatic, it boosts the character count as well.
Your battle was weak. Yes, you had a lot of battles, but they were more summaries and lists than any description of a battle. you need to add details here as well, else all I see are moves being shouted out. How does a Pokemon use a move? Describe it to me.
A medium pokemon is not easy to capture. It's good to see that you worked for it, but there are simply too many mistakes and not enough details in the story for me to pass it.
Tyrogue Not Captured
I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know you can do better and I encourage you to edit this story or write a new one. If you do edit, just reply to this thread and another grader will come by to check it.
Last edited by HKim; 23rd April 2010 at 01:20 AM.