Honey, and the Elusive Burmy

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    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Honey, and the Elusive Burmy

    *may contain amateurism*

    "Its 6:00 p.m., was it successful?" I wondered as I went to Floaroma Meadow to check the tree I slathered with honey. Nearer and nearer, I tremblingly walked to the tree to see something. "Alas, there is none. Oh well, better luck next time." I said to myself while applying honey to the aromatic tree, which smelled like a bloom of flowers.

    The next day, I went back, armed with Poké Balls and Riolu, my trusty starter. Nervous and anxious, I went closer to the tree, hoping for something that never came since the previous three weeks. I shoved over some weeds and other clutter, and being a good person, picking up some trash left by irresponsible people who, are like me, looking for Pokémon with the help of honey. And the result? No Pokémon for this trial, for the 45th time in a row. A mild curse in the wind, I returned back to home.

    As I ate lunch by a window at our home, a sudden thought hit me. "I forgot to put honey!" Moving aside my lunch, I grabbed the bottle of honey, and dashed through the back door. As I reached the meadow, there are people swarming over a tree. I didn't bother to join the commotion, but from what I eavesdropped, a lucky Trainer happened to catch a very fine Munchlax, and it was a Shiny. "Oh when is the time I'll get something to catch?" I said while dripping the honey to the tree, the key to a new Pokémon.

    8:00 p.m. The time-slot for my favorite documentary, Life in the Undergrowth which is hosted by Tobias Fangor, a known Pokémon researcher specializing in Bug-type Pokémon. Apparently, there is nothing to document, and so they showed replays. This one is about Burmy, the Pokémon I've been hunting for weeks. Mr. Fangor is talking about Burmy and honey, the method I was following. "You don't just need honey. Put some flowers like a rose or-" "Wait, what?!" I exclaimed. Probably I did not happen to watch this part. "Hmm... I'll take that word." And I took the bottle of honey and a flower in the vase of my mom.

    9:00 p.m. is the time when I reached the meadow. Whatever things I need to do, I did it as fast as I can. Reaching home, I turned off the television and slept. The next day, I went to the meadow and I saw a Burmy! There was nothing to lose, and I called my Riolu to fight.

    "Riolu, use Force Palm!" I said, to which he followed. The attack landed perfectly, and paralyzed Burmy. I set to throw the Poké Ball. One, two, three, throw! It hit Burmy and the Poké Ball started its job. One wiggle, two wiggles, three epic wiggles.........

    I woke up, fallen to my bed. "Noooooooooooo!" I screamed in fury, in realization of the dream.

    I went downstairs to eat breakfast, which is some fried eggs and rice. I was in a mildly bad mood by then. After cleaning up, I went to the meadow, feeling less energetic than before. And there it was, for the real time, a Burmy! There was again nothing to lose, and I called my Riolu to fight.

    "Riolu, use Force Palm!" I said, to which he did. The attack landed, paralyzing Burmy. I prepared to throw the Poké Ball. One, two, three, throw! It hit Burmy and the Poké Ball started its job. One wiggle, two wiggles, three epic wiggles.........

    And I woke up. "Oooookay, was that a dream in a dream? Wow." I climbed out of bed, and did all my rituals. Then, I set off to the meadow. And now, for the final time, there is a Burmy! I readied for battle, alongside with Burmy, and let the battle start!

    "Riolu, Force Palm!" to which the Burmy countered with Protect. "Riolu, Force Palm!" Burmy used Protect again."Riolu, Force Palm, now!" It hit, finally. Burmy damaged and paralyzed, stumbled. I reached for the Poké Ball, and then I threw it. It hit Burmy. One wiggle. Two wiggles. Three epic wiggles.

    Pokémon: Burmy
    stage: Easiest
    Letters: 3,027

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  2. #2
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Honey, and the Elusive Burmy

    Claiming. Grade should be up by Thursday at the latest.
    Voltaire Magneton likes this.


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  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Honey, and the Elusive Burmy

    It's done earlier than I expected. xD I started on it earlier today, and I've just finished it. Hopefully it's not too bad or harsh or whatever. :x (If it is, I apologize now.)

    Introduction
    You open your story with a bit of dialogue from your character while they go to check on a tree in Floaroma Meadow that they put on it the previous day. Nothing is there, and so they leave to return the next day. It's not the most exciting introduction, but it's something, which is better than nothing.

    For higher ranked stories, something to keep in mind for your introductory part. You'll want to say something that grabs the reader's attention. You'll also want to answer questions like "who? what? when? where? why?" so that the reader has a grasp as to what's going on. It also gives them a bit of an insight to the character and what they're trying to do. The higher ranked the story is, the better introduction you'll want to have.

    Nevertheless, this is an Easiest ranked story, so this isn't too bad.

    Detail
    There is literally very little detail in this story. All I know about your character is that he or she wants to catch a Burmy and has a favorite documentary called Life in the Undergrowth. I have no idea as to whether or not your character is male or female. Is he/she tall or short? Is he blonde, brunette, a red-head, or does he/she have some obnoxious or abnormal hair color? What color are his eyes? What is he wearing? How does he act? The reader only gets a bit of what the character is like, and if you don't include any of that, it makes it harder for the reader to envision who your character is. You don't have to do this so much for minor characters, but main characters should definitely have some decription to them.

    You should also describe the Pokemon and their attacks. You mention a Riolu and Burmy in your story, and you also have them use Force Palm and Protect respectively. You should describe what the Pokemon look like and what their attacks are doing specifically. Though I've seen a Riolu and a Burmy before, someone else may have no idea what they are. Always assume the reader has no idea what you're talking about.

    Grammar
    Your grammar isn't too shabby for a story of this rank. There's some stuff that you could fix if you gave your story a quick proofread, but there's a couple things I want to point out so that you can keep them in mind for your future stories.

    "You don't just need honey. Put some flowers like a rose or-" "Wait, what?!" I exclaimed. Probably I did not happen to watch this part. "Hmm... I'll take that word." And I took the bottle of honey and a flower in the vase of my mom.
    You should separate lines of dialogue, especially if two different characters are speaking. If it's the same character talking the whole time, it can work if it's all in the same paragraph, but that's not the case here. In this case, this bit of dialogue would look better if you had done something like this.
    "You don't just need honey. Put some flowers like a rose or..." Mr. Fangor was saying.

    "Wait, what?" I exclaimed. I probably didn't watch this part of the documentary. "Hmm... I'll take that word." I took the bottle of honey and a flower that was in my mom's vase.

    That separates the dialogue and gives the reader a distinct idea of who's saying what.

    One wiggle, two wiggles, three epic wiggles.........
    The amount of periods you have here is unnecessary. If you wanted to use something similar to that, three periods (...), also known as an ellipsis, would suffice. The same thing applies to the "Nooooooooooo!" you have in the next line. One "o" on "no" would have sufficed and had the same effect. Extra and unnecessary letters and punctuation make your work a little more obnoxious, and it may turn people away from your story.

    Other than that, I would also watch your tenses. I noticed you mainly used past tense in your story, but you had moments where you switched to the present tense. Stay consistent with your tenses. If you start with past tense, keep using past tense throughout the whole story, and the same applies to the present tense.

    Climax
    Your climax was kind of anti-climatic, to be honest. I also kind of didn't follow it, and I read over it like three different times. It literally just seemed like you took "Riolu, use Force Palm!" and put it in three different instances, two of them dream-like and one of them where the character actually catches the Burmy. It was a little confusing, and it probably could have been executed better to where the reader could follow it better.

    The battle was also rather one-sided. Burmy just used Protect the whole time while Riolu kept using Force Palm. I would imagine Burmy would have tried to fight back more so than it did. For a story of this rank, it's okay. In higher ranked stories, one-sided battles won't fly.

    I would just make sure the reader understands where you're going with your story, especially towards the end, and that you keep your battles less one-sided if they're included in the story. (Not every story needs a battle!)

    Conclusion
    Without the asterisked part and the tidbit at the bottom where you tell the grader what you're trying to catch and all that fancy stuff, I get 3700 characters even. (I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but spaces do count as characters in the URPG.) If the asterisked part was actually part of your story (which I didn't think it was, so I didn't include it in the count), you would still be in the character count range for the Burmy, so you're good on length.

    I'm going to go ahead and say Burmy captured. This is an Easiest ranked Pokemon and also your first story, so it would be kind of wrong for me to deny you this Pokemon unless this story was just downright crap, which it wasn't. I would just take the advice I've given you above and apply it to future stories you write. If the Pokemon is ranked higher, then the grader will expect more from you. Keep what I've said in mind when writing your future stories. You have potential to become a great writer, so just keep practicing! Welcome to the URPG, by the way! (:


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  4. #4
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Re: Honey, and the Elusive Burmy

    Quote Originally Posted by Felly View Post
    It's done earlier than I expected. xD I started on it earlier today, and I've just finished it. Hopefully it's not too bad or harsh or whatever. :x (If it is, I apologize now.)

    Introduction
    You open your story with a bit of dialogue from your character while they go to check on a tree in Floaroma Meadow that they put on it the previous day. Nothing is there, and so they leave to return the next day. It's not the most exciting introduction, but it's something, which is better than nothing.

    For higher ranked stories, something to keep in mind for your introductory part. You'll want to say something that grabs the reader's attention. You'll also want to answer questions like "who? what? when? where? why?" so that the reader has a grasp as to what's going on. It also gives them a bit of an insight to the character and what they're trying to do. The higher ranked the story is, the better introduction you'll want to have.

    Nevertheless, this is an Easiest ranked story, so this isn't too bad.

    Detail
    There is literally very little detail in this story. All I know about your character is that he or she wants to catch a Burmy and has a favorite documentary called Life in the Undergrowth. I have no idea as to whether or not your character is male or female. Is he/she tall or short? Is he blonde, brunette, a red-head, or does he/she have some obnoxious or abnormal hair color? What color are his eyes? What is he wearing? How does he act? The reader only gets a bit of what the character is like, and if you don't include any of that, it makes it harder for the reader to envision who your character is. You don't have to do this so much for minor characters, but main characters should definitely have some decription to them.

    You should also describe the Pokemon and their attacks. You mention a Riolu and Burmy in your story, and you also have them use Force Palm and Protect respectively. You should describe what the Pokemon look like and what their attacks are doing specifically. Though I've seen a Riolu and a Burmy before, someone else may have no idea what they are. Always assume the reader has no idea what you're talking about.

    Grammar
    Your grammar isn't too shabby for a story of this rank. There's some stuff that you could fix if you gave your story a quick proofread, but there's a couple things I want to point out so that you can keep them in mind for your future stories.

    "You don't just need honey. Put some flowers like a rose or-" "Wait, what?!" I exclaimed. Probably I did not happen to watch this part. "Hmm... I'll take that word." And I took the bottle of honey and a flower in the vase of my mom.
    You should separate lines of dialogue, especially if two different characters are speaking. If it's the same character talking the whole time, it can work if it's all in the same paragraph, but that's not the case here. In this case, this bit of dialogue would look better if you had done something like this.
    "You don't just need honey. Put some flowers like a rose or..." Mr. Fangor was saying.

    "Wait, what?" I exclaimed. I probably didn't watch this part of the documentary. "Hmm... I'll take that word." I took the bottle of honey and a flower that was in my mom's vase.

    That separates the dialogue and gives the reader a distinct idea of who's saying what.

    One wiggle, two wiggles, three epic wiggles.........
    The amount of periods you have here is unnecessary. If you wanted to use something similar to that, three periods (...), also known as an ellipsis, would suffice. The same thing applies to the "Nooooooooooo!" you have in the next line. One "o" on "no" would have sufficed and had the same effect. Extra and unnecessary letters and punctuation make your work a little more obnoxious, and it may turn people away from your story.

    Other than that, I would also watch your tenses. I noticed you mainly used past tense in your story, but you had moments where you switched to the present tense. Stay consistent with your tenses. If you start with past tense, keep using past tense throughout the whole story, and the same applies to the present tense.

    Climax
    Your climax was kind of anti-climatic, to be honest. I also kind of didn't follow it, and I read over it like three different times. It literally just seemed like you took "Riolu, use Force Palm!" and put it in three different instances, two of them dream-like and one of them where the character actually catches the Burmy. It was a little confusing, and it probably could have been executed better to where the reader could follow it better.

    The battle was also rather one-sided. Burmy just used Protect the whole time while Riolu kept using Force Palm. I would imagine Burmy would have tried to fight back more so than it did. For a story of this rank, it's okay. In higher ranked stories, one-sided battles won't fly.

    I would just make sure the reader understands where you're going with your story, especially towards the end, and that you keep your battles less one-sided if they're included in the story. (Not every story needs a battle!)

    Conclusion
    Without the asterisked part and the tidbit at the bottom where you tell the grader what you're trying to catch and all that fancy stuff, I get 3700 characters even. (I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but spaces do count as characters in the URPG.) If the asterisked part was actually part of your story (which I didn't think it was, so I didn't include it in the count), you would still be in the character count range for the Burmy, so you're good on length.

    I'm going to go ahead and say Burmy captured. This is an Easiest ranked Pokemon and also your first story, so it would be kind of wrong for me to deny you this Pokemon unless this story was just downright crap, which it wasn't. I would just take the advice I've given you above and apply it to future stories you write. If the Pokemon is ranked higher, then the grader will expect more from you. Keep what I've said in mind when writing your future stories. You have potential to become a great writer, so just keep practicing! Welcome to the URPG, by the way! (:
    Thanks, for the grades and the advices! I'll try to improve much, since I'm making a Simple-ranked story.

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