Your intro is a bit simple. A boy is forced to go on his journey by his parents. And intro should have a strong hook, and the hook should be one of the first things the reader should see.
For a stronger hook, I suggest you start with the battle with the Staraptor; it would have gotten me more interested, since you only have a Togepi. It would also introduce us to your character's attitude towards his Togepi sooner.
Also this confused me:
The Togepi, whom Wolfgang affectionately called Nova,
This tells the readers that Wolfgang likes his Togepi, yet later on, you say that he doesn't throughout the rest of the story. He gets annoyed by Togepi. Just watch out for little things like this. Plot:
Past the intro, I quite enjoyed the plotline. Though a kid wanting to catch his own Pokemon isn't exactly new, the way Wolfgang dropped trying to catch the already damaged Swinub and concentrates on the shiny one was funny. It showed a more of his character. And I liked how the herd didn't care if you caught a regular one, but go after the shiny one then all bets are off.
Though, using Metronome to get "random" attacks gives me mixed feelings. For one, it shows me more of Wolfgang's character of being a sort of gambler, yet, it is a copout. You use it twice, one was not useful, but the other was exactly what you needed. Maybe if it did more useless moves for awhile as your running away from the herd and a last moment useful attack, while predictable, it still would have built the tension better. Length:
6,991 w/ Spaces.
Swinub: Medium (10K-20K)
Your story is too short for this Pokemon. Here are some suggestions of how to put some more meat on this story:
Make Battles Longer:
By including more battles with the Swinub
By including your character getting beat up by the heard before the Whirlwind
Include Staraptor Battle:
This will more the battle ability of Wolfgang and his Togepi, and help with the hook.
Explain more about his family and why they are sending him to the National Park Battle:
It was interesting how you seperate the battle and the actual capture. The battle was good, I liked how you didn't actually name the wild Pokemon's atttacks. However, logically, a flamethrower (is what I'm assuming from your description of the attack) would do a lot of damage since Swinub is weak against it.
The only thing I hoped for is that there would be sort of a rematch between Swinub and Togepi, since Swinub would be a little healed up by the end, and since you attacked its mate as you said, it would have more determination to fight you. Grammar:
Not too much problem here. There were just a few paragraphing problems. Just remember:
- Start a new paragraph whenever someone new begins talking.
- Start a new paragraph whenever you begin writing about what a different character is doing.
- Only your character's actions may be in the same paragraph.
- Remember that paragraphs don't have to be a certain length. A paragraph can be one sentence long (and they often are).
Here are some other grammar mistakes:
"But I don't want to train Pokemon,
I just want to live a nice life."
"Look," said his father, "we've already purchased a ticket for you to go to the National Park, and you've that
Togepi for years."
"Heh, heh, I-I think I might have be going now..."
he said before sprinting away with Nova.
I'm not sure why that attack is called Metronome. It's more of a Deus Ex Machina."
The first example are two seperate sentenses so they should either be just that or you should use a ";".
The second example translates to: you have that Togepi for years. This should be: you have had that Togepi for years. "You have" implies present, but the father mentions something of the past.
The third might have been done just for effect but properly it would have been: I might be going now...
The last is improper use of commas. You should use a colon because the phrase that follows "you know" is directly related to it as the explaination of "you know."
Also the only spelling error:
Wolfgang, now out-of-breath, followed him out, expecting to see the Swinub out-of-breathe
You had it right at first, its "breath." "Breathe" is the verb form. Details:
Decent amount in moves, yet not enough about the character's outfit. He is pale and has black hair, but he could be wearing a dress. Maybe his parent's forced it on him lol. But yeah just a bit more detail will help beef this story up as well. Personal Thoughts:
I liked the story, yet it was just too short, besides the character count. I felt like there should have been more with the herd attack and more backstory to let us know more about Wolfgang. Verdict: