Her Heart (Rated M for language and somewhat graphic situations)

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Thread: Her Heart (Rated M for language and somewhat graphic situations)

  1. #1
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Her Heart (Rated M for language and somewhat graphic situations)

    Pokemon Capture: Shellos
    Needed Characters: 5000
    Actual Characters: 6520

    A/N: Yeeeeahh, I'll admit this isn't super Pokemon-y, though I should mention that the Shellos IS SYMBOLIC. YOU'LL SEE. AND SO, IN THAT SENSE, IT IS IMPORTANT. A heh. Also I totally didn't steal the whole lesbians thing from Magik. At all. Oh, by the way, LS named Lynn, so that's cool. And another thing, the story is mostly dialogue and that's for a reason, I swear. Okay, before I ramble you to death, here is my story. ENJOY.

    It was the last thing that she ever felt.
    The last she ever knew.
    It was tears on her cheek and a palm over her heart.
    It was enough.

    Afterwards life was hazy and unnecessary.
    What do you live for when the thing that always brought you warmth and light is gone?
    She wanted to go back,
    And perhaps we should start at the beginning


    "If something inside of you breaks," she said. "I can fix it."

    "No you can't. Not without doing something illegal, anyways."

    "I'm not making promises."

    Lynn was lying down, as grey and fragile as a newly hatched bird, covered in blankets even though the fall days were still warm. Kris is sitting with her back against the couch, knees curled to her chest. Her hair is long and dyed a horrible shade of blonde, the kind you find in a box at a dollar store. They're watching something on television. It's something like 'America's Next Top Real Estate Agent' or 'Who Wants to Be a Botonist?'

    Does it really matter?
    What wouldn't she give for another year of watching mindless television together?
    Another month.
    Another week.

    The commercial comes on for some amusement park down in Fuschia (right after the bitchy girl wasn't voted off) and Kris is wondering if they'll ever see another plastic and lead paint covered theme park.

    "I love you," Lynn says so quietly that she almost doesn't hear it. That's when Kris gets chills because-

    Lynn isn't the one who starts saying things like that.

    "Since when are you so sappy?" Brave face. It's the best she can do. She offers a hand. Lynn takes it and that's when she knows.

    She's dying.


    "But there's things you haven't done yet!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well... you haven't climbed Mt. Everest."

    "Too cold, too high up. I feel like I'd be allergic to yaks."

    "Have you ever been to another country?"

    "It depends. Does Johto count?"

    "...." Kris glanced down at the list in her lap. "Ever had sex on a beach?"

    "No, but if we could get them to give me a day pass, it wouldn't be that difficult."


    "What? It's not like you don't want to."

    So Kris hugged her instead, because she was too weak to leave the white, sterilized room. Too broken to take to a beach or to a park or even back home. There was only one place for her now.


    "I just wish I could've done something, that's all," she sobbed.

    "There, there." A hand patted her back.

    "It's my fault, it's all my fault. It was supposed to be me."

    She was screaming and thrashing and everything was wet with tears.

    "Don't say that. God works in mysterious ways."

    "Well fuck that!" Glass smashed against the wall.


    "Look what the hospital people have brought me."

    "Lynn, what the hell is that?!"

    A pink, rather slimy looking blob was in her lap, making a sound almost like purring.

    "It's called a Shellos apparently. From somewhere 'round Sinnoh. I like it. 'S like one of those stress relieving things."

    "Are you sure it won't make you sick?" Kris winced away from it.

    "Can I get any sicker?"


    Nothing else made any noise.


    "Where do you think we'll go when we die?"

    "If those people down the street are right, the ninth circle of Hell."

    Kris sighs. "Can't you take the question seriously?"

    "I'm very serious," Lynn responds, the Shellos curled against the small of her back. It's small body is now thicker around than her. "These are our immortal souls we're talking about. We're fornicators."

    Kris brushed a pillow against her, a weak imitation of a pillow fight.

    "So my heart is shutting down."


    "I did say I'd get one for you," Kris said finally.

    "What's it going to be?" Lynn asks lazily, pushing what thin brown hair she has left out of her eyes. "Are you going to kill a hooker? Or perhaps a homeless man?"

    Kris just smiles. "I'll raid an orphanage."

    "Sounds about right."

    Things are quiet again. Two pairs of brown eyes meet each other. One is filled with tears, the other is dilated from medication. "How long is the list?"

    "...Too long."

    They hold each other long into the night, the Shellos between them.


    "Maybe if I'd said something different she'd still be here. Maybe if I'd done something." She's talking to herself because-

    She still needs her. So much.

    The Shellos doesn't purr anymore. It just watches. A tear drops onto it and it rubs against her. It may have lost its voice, but its as squishy as ever.

    "I wish I could've been stronger for her."

    Strength is measured in many ways. Sometimes showing weakness is the strongest thing you can do. Sometimes you can't do anything else.


    The noise was incredibly loud in the quiet of the hospital. Lynn bolted upright in bed.

    Completely alone.

    "What the fuck?" No one responded. They were too busy running into the hallway. Then she heard the screaming and she knew that something was horribly wrong. "Kris?" Kris had been with her when she fell asleep...

    But where was she now?


    Some people die slow; cigarette smoke eats up their lungs or alcohol burns a hole in their middles. Sometimes their hearts just stop after too many years of working too hard. One last time card to stamp in and then school's out for summer.

    Then there's people who die fast. There are car accidents and bombs and guns and boxes of rat poison with a three year old's teeth marks on it. They are over and done with so quick that they are like lightning, a flash and then nothing is left. Gone in the blink of an eye and in their wake there is only thunder, a loud noise with no meaning.

    But most common of all is everyone else. We're all dying and Kris knew that very well. She knew as she watched Lynn drowning while hooked up to an oxygen machine. The nurses walked by and they were dying. The child running up the hall with a box of candy for a relative was dying. The chair she was sitting in was dying, as best as chairs can. So was the earth. The sun. The sky. Kris just wished that maybe she could go a bit faster.


    Her heart beats in her chest, but it's not her heart. Not really. She stole it from someone else. Someone who needed it more, who deserved it more. It's raining outside and the Shellos is out there, playing in the mud. Meanwhile, she's busy inside, looking at old pictures.

    Brown eyes, blonde hair. Her nickname had been Sunflower and God, had she hated it. Lynn touches the picture, wishing she could feel her again.

    Technically, she thinks, She really is inside of me always.

    The tears start again.

    Tears for the girl who gave up her life. Tears for the girl who gave up her heart.

    Tears for what could've been.

    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 15th July 2012 at 06:04 PM.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît

  2. #2
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Her Heart (Rated M for language and somewhat graphic situations)

    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  3. #3
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Her Heart (Rated M for language and somewhat graphic situations)

    lolololol /shotforbeingsooolate

    ok so once upon a time, I had a template saved for my grades that i like grabbed from some other grader's grade so I could just have a fill-in-the-blank thing when I grade, BUUT idk where that file went SO HERE WE GO WITH SOMETHING ELSE STRAIGHT FROM THE MIND OF FC:

    I've read this many, many times. It always kind of puzzled me. Like, in how I should go about grading it. So again, this time I read it, and I guess I finally got it.

    I need to mention this first, your flow is really weird. Not like how you placed your little ~*~ -insert shwoosh noise here-, but like. Because you have two female characters talking back to back without dialogue tags. Taking into account that this is probably how you wanted it, I suppose its okay, but there's definitely some pronoun-antecedent problems, because I sometimes couldn't tell who the "she" was without going back and rereading, which I had to do pretty often, given the amount of times that I've read this lol. HOWEVER, I was able to completely understand all of it, so its not inconsistant or anything. It's just easy to trip over. x_x

    Around the beginning, you start out writing in past tense, which I'm pretty sure is a standard thing to everyone, but then you randomly switch tenses to present. Like, in the first paragraph or so lol. "Lynn was lying down, as grey and fragile as a newly hatched bird, covered in blankets even though the fall days were still warm. Kris is sitting . . ." and then it kinda just wobbles from there. XD

    Your whole story has this sort of tone, this "Alaska" tone that I've seen in your other works. The way you write is with emotion, like you're raping the reader with saddness, or whatever emotion you pick. WHICH IS A GOOD THING. My mother always told me that if a book(story w/e) could make you smile or laugh, that it was a good book, but if a book made you CRY, then it's really good, because not all authors can evokoe such emotions out of people like that. And I must tell you, Alaska, this last time I read this story, I cried. And I already knew that Kris was going to die because I've read it before, and I still cried.

    While on the topic of flow(lol that was a few paragraphs ago), you have a section that just doesn't fit with the rest of the story.

    I mean, it makes sense WITH the story, but its placement . . . It's weird. Like. Like it doesn't match your other little shwoosh ~*~ sections. It's probably because you don't have any actual dialogue, you just have narration, which makes this part stand out from the rest of the story. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG ITS VERY GOOD OUT OF PLACE NARRATION, but it kind of distracts from the story. It winds itself back in nicely, but it feels like it wasn't originally meant to be there.

    I caught a bunch of wrong its and it's. Watch out for those lol.

    The Shellos, finally only after this last time, stood out to me as symbolic. Before I kept trying to see how it was symbolic, and why. It took me a long time to realize that the Shellos will always remind Lynn of Kris and what she had done for her. That's a pretty big effect for something to have on someone! Your characters are always marvelous. Always always always. They're always have more than one layer, more than one dimension. The Shellos in the story BECOMES one of those layers. It makes her more realistic.

    Honestly, I've been trying to grade this story since immediately after I claimed it. Part of the reason of why it took me so long was because it was such a difficult story to understand. I've read it so many times, and tried grading it more than a few times, but I just couldn't get through it. I couldn't understand what exactly the purpose of the Shellos was. Until today. I just decided it needed to get done, because I couldn't in good conscience grade any other story until I'd graded this one. It's been long enough anyways, and I'm really sorry about that. ^_^;;

    Now, with all of that said, I must say that Shellos is NOT captured. I feel like a bitch making you wait all this time and then not even getting the Shellos, but it wouldn't feel right making it a capture. It was hard to read and understand. The first time I read it, it just rolled right back out of my head. It didn't make any sense, and I had to reread it, and reread, and reread. Each time I read it, though, the more I understood until I finally got it. And hey, it could just be me being weird and not understanding it because in reality, literature can be taken any way the reader imagines. That's what makes it so fantastic; it's a different experience for everybody. But this story, it took too long to understand, which is bad. It's definitely because of a flow error though. Tweak the flow a little bit and let me see it. I'll definitely regrade it(the same day you ask). (: <3


    Yes, that absolutely makes the story flow in a more understandable fashion.

    Last edited by FrozenChaos; 15th July 2012 at 06:15 PM.
    Arctic Penguin likes this.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."


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