Heart of Spades (Ready For Grading)

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  1. #1
    Bitch. Kenyari's Avatar
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    Default Heart of Spades (Ready For Grading)



    Heart of Spades'
    ----------------------------

    The Heart of Hearts...

    Amongst the carnage stood a lone figure, silhouetted in the glow of the houses ablaze.

    Long hair, stained with the crimson lifeblood of the slain, flowed in the stale winds that blew through the small village. The air was a flaming cesspool of gaseous oxygen, incapable of sustaining any life. She did not feel it; not while she stood behind the large, red creature in front of her.

    Its arm, lodged through the chest of a male, was stained with blood. Its eyes were emotionless, complete devoid of any feeling or life. Turning its arm to its left, it flung the body into a pile of wood. The broken timber was littered with similar corpses; ripped agape, limbs thrown haphazardly - many of which not even with their original owners. The air was filled with the stench of rotting bodies, filling her senses with the overwhelming urge to recoil - to show her inherent disgust in the form of a contorted expression.

    But she kept her composure, and with a voice as cold as the stare she held at the scene, she said; "Are you finished, now?"

    She was addressing the creature that stood before her. Turning its head to the side, she could see it nod its head in confirmation. "Zor," its own voice was deep, growling in a deathly low voice. 'Fitting' was the only word she could think of for it. However, she'd always failed to notice - and care - about anything other than the Pokemon's killing ability.

    It was a part of her protocol, a part of who she was.

    Scizor had spent so much time on that man, savoring the instantaneous death its gargantuan claw delivered, that it hadn't even noticed that the girl had moved on for the briefest of minutes. When she'd come back, it still had the male on its pincer; staring like a starving vulture at his slowly decomposing corpse, growing cold from the lack of a heartbeat - or heart, for that matter. Scizor had dealt a quick job with it.

    She was sure it was completely destroyed.

    Turning to face behind herself, the stained and dirtied gown she wore flowing by her, she scanned the landscape. The village of people had been completely wiped out... all of its inhabitants had either escaped or were parts of the multitudes of piles littered across the streets. She'd made sure to keep them all inside of wood, which would burn quickly. She never wanted her work to be seen.

    Looking to a nearby rooftop, she watched as a gaunt silhouette crouched down on another. The figure seemed to be doing something... she knew exactly what. Then, it threw the other, obviously limp, figure from the rooftop onto a pile of smoldering wood. Leaping from the roof, it walked toward her slowly.

    "And, you? Are you finished?"

    The six-foot tall creature, a Garchomp, growled out its response. Its maw was stained with crimson, liquid dripping from its fangs. Garchomp noticed her stares, smirking to allow her to see more. She swore she could feel her stomach churn from the repugnant sight. Absolutely sick.

    And she sighed. What was the goal; the overall need for all of this violence...

    Looking to her left, she eyed a red fish-like creature; limp on the ground as its beady eyes stared into the heavens. "All for such a useless prize..." she couldn't help her employers and their desires for a Pokemon of great power. However, a Magikarp was only good once it actually evolved. Until then, the pathetic thing was barely a novelty. Frankly, the creature had been put out of its potential misery; a burning piece of house wood falling onto it. It was obscured, but she could tell that the dead Pokemon would be butane to the fire. Not her problem, anymore.

    But she'd failed in her mission, and that was what made her stomach twist. Failure... it was something she couldn't afford, especially what with the things that her employers were capable of. She was... saddened. She could almost feel the tears begin to prick at her eyes.

    However, cutting a glance to the two Pokemon who'd accompanied her, she bit back her sadness. The two were busy carving apart the strewn corpses, blood spraying upon them in a macabre shower.

    They were murderous, as they were trained to be. She was to be emotionless, as her job required. As an executioner... the Heart.

  2. #2
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heart of Spades (Ready For Grading)

    Claimed for Grading
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heart of Spades (Ready For Grading)

    @Kenyari;

    Plot

    The plot is unique, which is always a good thing, especially in Magikarp stories where you don't need to put in much effort. You space out your plot a lot throughout this story, not giving us a lot of action, but a lot of thought and description. In a way there is most definitely a plot, and you mark it very well, with the scene after the fight, the reader discovering the Magikarp and finding out more about her. You had 3,000 characters and you did a very good job with them. There was a bit of irony in here too, which kept the story alive. You put in the effort for a good plot and got out what you deserved, well done.

    Description

    You did pretty well with the description, spending a long time on each character. One thing that you didn't do much was describe the Pokémon themselves. For instance, you said:

    The six-foot tall creature, a Garchomp, growled out its response. Its maw was stained with crimson, liquid dripping from its fangs.
    Try not to assume that the reader doesn't know what Pokémon look like, even though this is a Pokémon forum. We know that Garchomp's a tall Pokémon with an impressive display of fangs from your description. But this leaves a lot of room for the reader to deviate their own image of the Pokémon, and in longer stories where detail may be added later on, making the reader change its opinion of Garchomp's appearance will annoy them. So put in a few more details, like its colour and general body shape. To give an example sentence:

    The six-foot tall blue creature, a Garchomp, growled out its response. Its maw and long claws was stained with crimson, liquid dripping from its fangs, its long, sleek body, covered with fins, was covered in weeping cuts.
    You don't describe the environment much, which is always a good thing to do in a story. Remember the five senses, many graders will tell you, and I stand by that. Once, you said:

    Turning to face behind herself, the stained and dirtied gown she wore flowing by her, she scanned the horizon.
    You could add in some things about the smell and the sounds, like this:

    Turning to face behind herself, the stained and dirtied gown she wore flowing by her, she scanned the horizon, arid smoke filling her nose, the screams and moans of the dying resounding in her ears
    Otherwise your description was excellent and more than enough for a Magikarp.

    Grammar

    Your grammar was almost perfect, but I could perceive a few mistakes. Here, you put:

    Long hair[,] stained with the crimson lifeblood of the slain,
    Although this isn't wrong, the comma between hair and stained isn't necessary, and just breaks up the flow of the sentence. Given how many commas you already have, you might want to leave this one out, by doing this:

    Long hair stained with the crimson lifeblood of the slain
    You do this quite a few times, I shan't elaborate on them now that you know what to do. As I said, they're not wrong, and if you have a long sentence that needs to slow down by all means utilise them, but don't overuse them.

    Also, later on you said:

    Absolutely sick.
    Being picky here, this isn't really a sentence. You always need to have a main verb that isn't a participle in each sentence. You can remove this problem either by adding a verb:

    It was absolutely sick.
    Or by changing the full stop to a comma, which creates a better flow, like this:

    She swore she could feel her stomach churn from the repugnant sight, absolutely sick
    Here you put:

    [And] she sighed.
    You technically shouldn't start a sentence with "And", and in this case it's unnecessary. Just put:

    She sighed.
    Dialogue

    There wasn't much, but what there was was good and it split up the action well. The only thing that you didn't do was that you didn't use the rule of using a new line for a new speaker. For instance, here you put:

    she could see it nod its head in confirmation."Zor[,]" its voice was deep
    Another thing that you didn't do here was put a full stop at the end of the dialogue. If there is no "he said" or "she asked" at the end, then you put a full stop. So, to summarize, you need to put this:

    she could see it nod its head in confirmation.

    "Zor." its voice was deep
    The rest of your dialogue was fine, even though there wasn't much.

    The Battle

    There wasn't one, and in this case there didn't need to be one. However, I would have prefered it if you had included some snippets of action from the previous battle, just because it would have made the story even better for action-loving people like me.

    Plausibility

    I don't see why the Heart's employers are putting in so much effort for a Magikarp. You do explain the power of Gyrados to be the reason, but why go into so much effort for a Pokémon that can be fished for pretty easily. Also, with Pokémon like Scizor and Garchomp with them, why do they need a Gyrados? Otherwise its perfectly plausible, and I like your twist at the end.

    Length

    You scrape in 500 characters past the 3K mark, which is enough for Magikarp.

    Verdict

    Magikarp Captured! Well done, this is a really good story, even if it seems like I've really criticized you a lot. This is better than most people's first story, and I think that you have great potential. Have a fun time doing basics!
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

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