Haunted Tunnel (B/W) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

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Thread: Haunted Tunnel (B/W) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Haunted Tunnel (B/W) (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Pokemon being Captured: Roggenrola
    Suggested Length: 5,000 - 10,000
    Actual Length: 8,731
    Note: Since this Pokemon is in Black & White, I do not expect this to be graded in a while.
    WARNING: ANY NIGHTMARES OR NEWFOUND FEARS FORMED AFTER READING THIS HORROR STORY IS NOT MY FAULT. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

    -----


    I sat on the black chair as I riffled through my papers. All had a 'CASE SOLVED' stamped on them in red. I smirked as I grabbed the money on my desk. Being a detective was my dream job, and it pays well- especially if your clients are rich. It was nice having my handsome face, complete with my stylish brown hair stamped on the papers whenever I solve a major case.

    Someone said that if you choose a job you love, you never work a day in your life. I agreed wholeheartedly. Bringing criminals to justice was what I wanted to do. I wanted to rid of all corruption, to rid of all evil on innocents, but I know that was impossible. I would rather achieve what I can and not live by a hopeless ideology.

    I heard a knocking on my door. I grabbed the keys on my brown table and unlocked the door. Outside was a man in a lab coat, his face pale. His hands were trembling, and his eyes widened.

    "Cool down, fellow. Have a seat." I led the man to my white couch, where he sat silent for quite a while, his spiky auburn hair moving under the fan. I didn't want to ask him anything till he calmed down. It was quiet in the room, the soft whirring of the fan could be heard.

    Suddenly, he spoke.

    "Hello, Detective Osborne. My name is Professor Clive. I have... gotten news that I would like you to investigate about." The man said, and it was then did I notice he was wearing a belt with a Pokeball hanging on it. Cool, a Pokemon trainer too.

    The scientist continued. "My daughter, Clarice, went to visit a new train ride near our home. I heard of strange rumors of children going made or dying after visiting it, but I thought nothing of it. But my child just died today."

    My eyes widened as the scientist continued. There was a long, awkward pause as the scientist sat, silent. Then, he reached for his Pokeball. Out came a Pokemon I have never seen before. A rock with what seemed to be a hole in the middle stared straight at me. Two mud-colored pieces of rock acted as its feet while one was either balanced or stuck to its head- it was hard to tell.

    "This is a special Pokemon called a*Roggenrola, from the region of Unova, a region where me and my wife visited recently. We captured this Pokemon and gave it to our daughter." Professor Clive said, and I think I saw a tear drop from his eye.

    "It is the only witness to my daughter's death."

    The Pokemon was wary of me, making sure I didn't get too close to it. The*Roggenrola*edged closer to Professor Clive, keeping a keen eye on me at all times- even though I didn't see eyes. I knew, though. Whenever I moved, its body turned to where I was.

    "This Pokemon is quite cautious, especially after what it must have seen." Professor Clive said, and he pushed the*Roggenrola*towards me, as if he was expecting me to do something.

    "I want you to investigate the train ride. Only a few days after she first visited it, she wanted to go on it again. The train enters a small, lit underground tunnel. After she came out, she was dead, along with all the other children who was in the train. The news reporters are already there. The word is just starting to get round. Only*Roggenrola, who she brought along for the ride, saw what happened. I want you to get someone to tell us what happened."

    "What? Why me?" I said, and the scientist replied swiftly.

    "Because the people told me you were the right man for the investigation and data extracting. The police told me they were going to do it themselves, though."

    "Then why can't they do it themselves?" I said, trying not to look scared. Most of the time I took a case with pleasure, but I wasn't very enthusiastic about this one.

    "Because their dead."

    *

    I sat in front of my friend Cassady as she coaxed the jumpy Pokemon. I saw the live broadcast on the television. The scientist was right; the reporters were already at the scene. Just then, the picture on the television switched over to a police station, blood spilled all over the floor like red paint. I shuddered. There really needs to be a filter for graphic images on television. The whole region was in pandemonium; the death of the entire police force meant a whole wave of robbing, murder and the like. But that was at the back of my mind.

    "This Pokemon doesn't really want to tell us what happened, and I don't blame it." Cassady said, and I groaned. She pushed up her red glasses up her fair-skinned nose.*Roggenrola*suddenly jumped onto her locks of blonde hair and moved all over the place, as if it was trying to tell us something.

    "Do you know what it's trying to say? Or are you going to be demoted from top Pokemon psychologist in Sinnoh?" I teased, but I could see by the look on Cassady's face something has gone very wrong.

    "I want a complete background check on the tunnel, along with a formal investigation. No questions asked. Do it." She said, and I looked at her in surprise. This was not the same woman I took for a date a few days ago.

    *

    "What's the results?" I asked my panting assistant, her black, straight hair hung over her shoulders. The door to the office swung wildly after she dashed in at high speeds. Her blacked rimmed sunglasses hid the fear in her eyes as she told me the truth behind the tunnel.

    "The tunnel used to be a graveyard, sir Osborne... but it was destroyed. All the remaining relatives were dead or accepted a hefty sun of money to have the tunnel installed and their dead relations moved from their resting place." Lily said, and Cassady sat beside me, looking grim. She petted the*Roggenrola, who she has bonded with quite quickly.

    "It was a Children's Graveyard, to be specific. Only children under the age of eight were buried there...," Lily suddenly gasped and opened her mouth. " I saw something just now, which made me dash to your office. Something was behind me..."

    "Don't go mad, Lily. I'm going over to conduct an investigation." I looked at Cassady, who shook her head, not willing to follow me. I didn't want to call her 'scaredy cat', which I normally did when she refused to come with me. This time, it was serious. Even I had to admit I felt a tinge of fear. The*Roggenrola*snuggled up close to Cassady, and emitted a sense of insecurity.

    "I'm... leaving now." I said. I checked the time. 4 o' clock in the afternoon. Almost time.

    *

    I reached the tunnel at exactly 6'o clock. My team was waiting, and one of them had a camera in their hands. I nodded, and reminded my team about what to do.

    "Okay. Red team, use the camera to take a ride through the tunnel. Record the whole thing. Blue team, we study was happens outside the tunnel and wait at the exits for Red team to come out. Then, we view the tape." My team nodded, though I could see a few members of Red team seemed a bit unsure. They shifted their feet and reluctantly entered the small train designed for children, barely fitting in.

    The man who was supposed to start the train asked us if they were sure they wanted to enter the tunnel. They answered with a shaky 'Yes' before the man pulled the lever. The childish ride started, and soon, it went underground into the fated tunnel. I observed the surroundings. Nothing odd. I instead started to mentally prepare myself for what I might see.

    Nothing could prepare me for what I saw.

    When the train came out, it wasn't full of people. It wasn't full of dead people either.

    It was empty.

    Completely and utterly empty.

    I noticed, however, the camera still in the train. With my face pale, I grabbed it. I never had my hands shake so much in my entire life. I played the tape.

    It was completely static, except for the sound of children laughing in the last few seconds.

    "What should we do..." Someone in Blue team said.

    "Return to the lab immediately. Close this ride." I replied.

    *

    I returned to the office. Blue team has gone to the lab downstairs, and I was curious at where Cassady and Lily have gone. I called up Lily on my intercom but nobody answered. Just then, a stranger with a scared look on her face opened the door.

    "Detective Osborne... would you like to hear me say something... bad...?" She said, and I feared the worst. I nodded slowly, and she opened her mouth.

    "Cassady and Lily are dead, along with the Roggenrola. Their remains was strewn all over the lab, where your Blue team discovered them."

    The news made me jump of the chair. My girlfriend and assistant was dead. Without warning, without reason, they were gone. I didn't even say goodbye. It was too late. They were gone.

    Gone.

    That word echoed in my ears. I was too frightened and stunned to cry, so I cried inside. Someone took away something people only have once.

    Suddenly, the woman shrieked and ran away. I looked behind me.

    A child stared at me, a devilish grin on her face.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 10th March 2011 at 02:30 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Haunted Tunnel (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome (WARNING: Graphic and distur

    Bump for finish~
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  3. #3
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Haunted Tunnel (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome (WARNING: Graphic and distur

    Plot:
    What to say… what to say? Oh, I know. This plot was really enjoyable, not only original, but also intriguing. Not everyday do we say someone put an ounce of thoughts into such a simple little story. More stories need to be written like this, short little one shots that can keep someone interested throughout. But at the same time I feel like you could’ve used this idea in a longer more drawn out story, but it fit this little idea more than perfectly.

    The only critique I have, while it isn’t really a critique, but, don’t leave me hanging. :’( It is such a terrible thing to do, although I do believe I know what was going to happen next to Mr. Detective. Really, I have nothing wrong with just about anything in this category or area of your story; you wrote an excellent little story here.

    Grammar:
    There were only a few mistakes my not-so-keen eyes found me. One, a reoccurring one, was the comma and period in your dialogue; many times when it should have been a comma you had a period there. The other problem was a one time misused of “their” which makes my brain go ‘whooooaaaa, we need to fix that!’ even if it was only one simple error.

    Instead of trying to explain to you the ins and outs of dialogue tagging and all that snazzy, I’m going to link a perfectly correct post that explains it better than I could to begin with. Grammar Gripes

    And the ‘their’:
    "Because their dead."
    I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you do know the difference. I am just going to make sure you do!
    There – shows ‘placement’ or where something is. “There is the apple!”
    Their – shows possession or ownership. “That is their team.”
    They’re – simply means ‘they are’, self explanatory I’d say!

    Oh also, for whatever reason you put asterisk around Roggenrola, please don’t do that it is so distracting. XD

    Length:
    Boo-Yah

    Detail:
    This started out very well but then dropped off. In the beginning you told me about the scientist and the detective and then Roggenrola. After this though, you seemed to drop off in the descriptions. I should also say that you really gave me nothing about the setting or the tunnel itself. You did well in telling me about all the characters, which is nice and good and all, but what the setting looks like can really give me a tone of the story. Though, how the story plays out it gets it own tone.

    Speaking of tone, I’m going to discuss it! I really like when a story is supposed to be perceived in a certain way, like this one. You made it feel very frightening and unsettling, which in a way makes it that much more addictive. Without some kind of feeling in the story it is very dry and dull, makes me feel like there is no incentive to reading it because I feel nothing but boredom.

    The emotions that you finished off dialogue with was very good too. That is what gave the story its tone, I believe. It made the characters feel more real too, not just fictional characters in a short story.

    I would say this: work on giving your characters even more complex descriptions, other than their hair and skin color and to give a sense of what the setting and any surroundings are. You seem to have down the basics of it but you could improve your writing by just giving a little more effort.

    Ending:
    Since you didn’t have a battle this is where I’m going to discuss the *drum roll* ending of your story!

    It was a good wrap up; you finished telling the story in a way that made everything come together. And in same twisted way it made the ending somewhat happy, assuming the little girl is the one who killed everybody and her next target was the detective.

    The ending was also unexpected; I would not have expected the little girl to be the murderer. Although, maybe that is because of my lack of scary movie watching. : P

    Outcome:
    You did enough for me in this story. I’ll give you the little rock but when writing for more complex Pokémon don’t forget to give a bit more detail! :) Roggenrola caught!
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 14th June 2011 at 09:53 PM.

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