Hasta Luego, Mi Amor

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    Awesome Opossum Sequentio's Avatar
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    Default Hasta Luego, Mi Amor



    Hasta Luego, Mi Amor.
    Needs to be Graded


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    Author's Note; I need a Caterpie, and Murkrow are pretty neat too. Warning for slight gore near the end of the story.

    A wimple is the headdress worn by traditional Catholic nuns.

    I also apologize in advance for my awful, broken Spanish. There is, however, a glossary of Spanish terms at the end of the story.
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    He clawed at his own throat, begging the mighty gods above for a simple lick of water. Thirst had overwhelmed him on this journey, taking priority over the burned skin on his numerous feet. Unlike a human, he could not find solace in shoes. The only relief he found was in his ideals. One day, he would be able to take revenge on his attackers and relish the feeling.

    The desert was a harsh, unforgiving mistress; often enveloping any who were not prepared and introducing them to the grim reaper. He was lucky, though. It was not his time. Struggling as he was, the tiny insect continued his journey across the scalding sand. Thick muscles in his abdomen tightened and released, crying for relief as he moved inch by inch. The tendons, even the chitin in his exoskeleton, begged for hydration.

    He paused, halting his journey momentarily. His large eyes closed in defeat, crusted with hot, southern wind. His oddly shaped antennae drooped, heavy with sweat. Several large creatures eyed the bug from behind the desert cliff side - just waiting for him to keel over. Then... Then they would close in and devour the roasting insect. He was an easy target after all - a lush green in a world of dull, lack-luster sand.

    Creatures, monsters as large as houses stalked the shadows. They licked their lips, excess drool falling onto the dry earth and fading as soon as it touched the surface. Soon, so very soon, they would be able to compete in a vicious competition for food. The prey just needed to stop moving.

    And he did stop. The Caterpie simply couldn't continue. His eyes were bleary. His muscles, weary and weak. They refused to move without nourishment of some form and had shut down completely. Even his own body had betrayed him as the insect fell over without struggle. His mind wanted desperately to move on. It urged his body forth, pleading with all its might. There was no response.

    The creatures howled in delight. They were to get a feast or at least, a chance at one. Several emerged from the shadows and took cautious steps towards the fallen, all while keeping an eye on one another. Closer and closer the crept, forming a circle of death around the weak Pokemon.

    "Aye! Shoo! Shoo you monstruos! You leave this poor, defenseless insecto alone, okay?" The voice rang out, echoing from the reflection of the plateaus. It was so strong, stern. Those in range of the Caterpie fled quickly, leaving only the insect and the hero who saved him.

    It was just as the darkness arrived, that the savior had appeared. He wished to call out, to ask who had come. He wanted to thank the angel, even if he could see no more than a wispy silhouette in the sun. Before a word could escaped the parched lips, the bug drifted away into unconsciousness.

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    Running. He was running, or, whatever running was for an inchworm. He didn't know what he was running from, though. All he recognized was the striking fear in his heart and the need to get away from the impending danger. From behind, murderous cackles exploded, pushing him faster and faster. He didn't dare look behind, but he knew it was getting closer. The darkness crept, scurried after him and the feeling of desperation loomed overhead. There was no way he could outrun the terror behind him, nor could he ever escape. Closer and closer it came, piercing his ears with a duo of screeching. It was going to get him. It was going-

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    "Ah!" he cried, bolting upwards in a cold sweat. Eyes wide, panting, the Caterpie took a look at his surroundings. He was no longer in the bland desert, the desert which had almost caused his demise. Instead, sandstone walls that arched in every door way littered his sight. On the walls hung varied religious symbols, crosses made from bundles of dead wood, stained glass of the mighty God, Arceus. Other than the bed he was in, the only other furniture in the room was a dilapidated dresser spanning an entire wall length, accompanied by a withered plant in the corner and a chair - currently held by a stranger.

    "¡Ay, Dios mio! You're awake?" the voice choked, obviously startled. It seemed the occupant of the chair had been asleep too. The tired Pokemon looked towards the Caterpie, golden eyes weary with age. His heavy red brow hung over the disheveled white hair of his face. "I am Father Inferni, priest of this fine church. We're at the St. Mesprit Cathedral, amigo," the ape forced a slight smile, extending a wrinkled hand.

    The insect returned the weak gesture, not offering a limb of his in return.

    "Ah, I see," the Infernape spoke. The flame that rested on his head as a crown dimmed a bit in disappointment. He pulled his hand back and placed it within the dirty white robes draped around his sunken shoulders. The other hand went to rest on a slight pooch, pushing against the woven belt that held the robe in place. "I found you out in the desert, you know. You looked pretty awful and the monstrusos were getting closer. It's pretty lucky I found you when I did, thank mother Mesprit."

    "Aaa-" The Caterpie tried to speak, but only hoarse rattles escaped his muzzle.

    "Say no more, señor," the priest commanded, holding up his monkey paw. "The sisters Darumaka will assist you. Hermanas!"

    As soon as the aged man called, three tiny beings rushed into the room. They were giggling, holding three handed fingers over disturbingly large grins. They were unusually small, almost as small as the insect himself. The sisters were filled with energy, feet unable to halt the continuous movement. The bug had to stop himself from laughing, as adorned each their heads were large wimples, left flowing in the wind as the trio ran in circles. Eagerly, they awaited a demand from the head of the church.

    "Bring some agua for our new amigo, alright? His throat is awfully dry and he can't speak to us in his current condition."

    The three crimson nuns looked up at the new addition for the first time and giggled incessantly at his abnormally large eyes. "Sí."

    "Sí, sí," the second and third chimed in.

    "Rapido!" Inferni glared, clapping his navy hands twice in a gesture to hurry them up.

    The tiny nuns ran from the room, clambering over one another like a comedy troupe. Yet, just as quickly as they left, they returned with an object held as a sacrifice over their wimples. They moved in an awkward unison rather than fumbling about, taking the formation of a triangle underneath a large porcelain bowl. Droplets of water sloshed over the side, soaking into the wooden floor. One of the nuns squealed, not wanting any sort of liquid to dampen her fiery exterior.

    The Infernape laughed, watching the three avoid water so earnestly. He picked the yellowed porcelain up, careful to not let anymore water leave the basin. Setting it next to the bug on the bed, his attention returned to the sisters Darumaka. “Gracías, hermanas. That will be all.”

    With a last glance to the small insect and a few more giggles from the young dumpling-shaped nuns, the trio ran from the room to attend to other, less serious matters.

    "Go on, drink. It will help ease your pain," the priest urged.

    He did as he was told, seeing no reason to forego care. Slowly, he bent over, sipping at the water in the basin, letting it trickle down his throat. The cool liquid granted the raw muscle the relief it had been seeking since dehydration had set in. Faster and faster, it drained from the bowl as the bug gulped greedily, stomach expanding to accommodate the influx of water. Soon, it was as dry as the surrounding desert and the insect looked up, content as one could be.

    Seeing that the Caterpie had been tended to properly, the Infernape felt it was as good of time as any to begin asking the questions gnawing on his mind. "So... What's your name, amigo?"

    "I..." he paused, turning his head.”I don't have one. I've given it up to start anew."

    "Then I won't ask anymore... But," pausing, the priest thought about how to word the inquiry without causing much trouble. "Is... Is there anything that brings you out in the middle of the desert?"

    "Hah," the bug replied, knowing that it would be the next question from the other's mouth. "Well, about a month ago..."

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    "Lily, you need to hurry. I can see the town from here and you know we need to be there before dusk."

    "I do know," she sighed. "We'll make it in time for the fiesta. I promise. And I know we need to be there before dusk. You know the old proverb. 'In the sun, you're safe and warm. In the dark, avoid the swarm.'"

    "That's right," he nodded. "I don't want to be dinner for anything that swarms. And we need to get a move on. Your sister will be upset if we're late to another party. It's not even like she lives that far away."

    "Augh, I know. She keeps asking me to baby-sit for her. And usually, I wouldn't mind, but she wants me to walk an hour each way between our towns! As much as I love her and her egg, I'm not going to do that. My feet hurt from work. I'm on my feet all day tending to other Pokemon! You should be more compassionate. I'm going as fast as I can and besides, we're already over half way there," Lily explained, exasperated.

    Behind them, the sun was retreating quickly, as if to escape its own heat. The sands turned a hideous brown under the murky purple of the sky. Above, the clouds had disappeared, leaving open space for birds of prey to circle and hunt.

    The duo began to pick up the pace, noticing the darkness creeping up on the surroundings. Shadows elongated, indicating they should have been there twenty minutes ago. Both of them could see the destination, lights strung across the town's horizon. It illuminated the sandstone structures in the darkness, making a mockery of Christmas decorations.

    "We'll make it," the male insect sighed in relief.

    "Of course we will," Lily smiled. "I told you we-"

    "We what?" The bug looked towards his mate. "Lily? We what?"

    She was silent as she stopped, tears dripping from eyes the size of coasters. One of her many legs attempted to point at the cause of her paralysis, but she was simply frozen in fear.

    He halted, rushing back to her aide. "Lily? Lily?"

    Slight whimpers escaped the frightened female.

    "What is it? What's wrong with you? We're almost there!" he yelled in frustration. He was confused, angry, and impatient. His head snapped back and forth, trying to find a reason for his beloved's distress. From the corner of his eye, he caught it. The shadows were moving, turning in lazy circles. He glanced upwards to the source, finally seeing the cause of horror.

    "SKREEEEE," the vile sky creatures called. As dusk had settled into the desert, the birds of prey came out to play. A mother and her child soared over head, stalking the insects - ready for dinner.

    "Lily, please," he hissed. "We need to go, now. Now."

    They tried to escape, the male tugging at his mate fervently. Yet, no matter the physical strain placed upon her, she stayed frozen in place, sealing their fate. From behind, the shrill cries and sharp squeals that escaped the crooked beaks of the predators sent shivers through the small bugs. For now, there were only two hovering the landscape, but others would be along momentarily.

    The largest bird landed not far from the quivering insects, her feral beak curved into a snarl. A sickly flush illuminated her skin; skin that was stretched to its limits over the disfigured skull. Her sunken eyes only magnified the image that the bird was made of nothing but bone and feather. Her presence was only more frightening, as the remains of her conquests were adorned as armor. Presumably, it was the only defense the Mandibuzz had, but it worked undoubtedly as well to intimidate her prey.

    In a flash, her wings expanded to their limits, ushering her child forth to feast. In the span of a few seconds, a bird of another species spiraled downward to hunt. In the desert, it wasn't uncommon for a mother and child to be of different species. Children were known to die in the harsh desert, as did adults who failed to find an adequate source of food. To replace the fallen children, mothers would take in abandoned ones and raise them as their own. The Mandibuzz and her Murkrow were no exception.

    The Murkrow was far smaller than her mother, and quite a bit less grizzled by the harsh climate. However, she was still just as sinister as her bloodshot eyes narrowed in on the two Caterpie. The feathers which covered her head like a hat bristled in delight at the chance of a meal. She was hungry and already, her stomach was churning to the point it created a dull groan that could be heard over the desert winds.

    "Child," the Mandibuzz croaked, her voice able to send chills down the spine of any living being. "It is time."

    The daughter nodded in return, void of any and all emotions. After all, being emotional would not put food on the plate; only giving it a chance to run away. She too, fleshed her wings outwards to prevent any chance at escape. “You’re mine,” she hissed.

    The Mandibuzz cackled in delight, watching her daughter become a true bird of prey. “Now Samantha, get the smaller one! Get her by any means!”

    Before either one of them knew it, both Caterpie were in the midst of a battle where the only prize to be won was life.

    Hearing her mother’s command, the Murkrow leapt into action. Her small eyes grew large, red irises expanding over the white; like dye in water. Soon, the entirety of both eyes was a deep, hypnotizing red. The insect duo couldn't help but be ensnared into the trap. Now, no matter what they wanted to do, they couldn't escape the bird's Mean Look.

    "Lily, please," he hissed again. "Please move. We need to at least fend them off!"

    Seeing her daughter trap dinner was more than enough of a cue to begin her own descent. Her head lurched back, mouth agape as she let out a fierce wail. Each syllable was pushed from her gullet as she bellowed her bittersweet battle cry.

    The raven child spotted her chance. Dusty wings folded behind her, over a small dimple in her back. She smirked in the delusion of a victory already won.

    "Lily, watch out!" the male bug cried. He could only stare as the plumage on Murkrow began to glow a misty grey. Each feather spaced out evenly among her broad arms, forming a hard-hitting steel plate.

    The bird charged the female insect, knocking her to the ground without any hint of remorse. "Die!"

    "No!" the male yelled, rushing to the aid of his fallen lover. He shielded her fragile shell with his own frame, mind racing for any hint at what to do. He kept reaching, clawing, begging for ideas on how to get out of the situation. There was no mercy that day.

    "We can't have that," snarled the wicked huntress. "Can we, darling?"

    "No mother," the Murkrow replied. "We certainly can't have that."

    The Mandibuzz cackled, throwing her head back and letting out raucous laughter. "Go on, Samantha. I'll take care of the feisty one."

    Lifting into the air, the mother tore off after the huddling insects, burning through the sky as a car on a race track. The air around her increased in heat as she barreled down on her target. The Giga Impact would undoubtedly hit hard, but it would leave her incapacitated long enough for the male to think of a plan.

    She struck his side with the blunt shape of her head. The sheer force behind the blow sent him flying into the surrounding area. His body twitched in pain as it hit a misplaced stone among the sand. It hurt, everything hurt - but he couldn't let that get him down. Opening his eyes, he looked around quickly, for anything that would be of help.

    Adjacent to the warm stone was a large, healthy looking cactus. He knew that within these cacti were very wide canals that shunted water upwards to its long limbs. The canals were just big enough to shelter two tiny insects, and hopefully, sturdy enough to keep the birds away. Though he was sure they would try to pry inside, the thick rind and numerous needles would keep them away. He just needed time to stall out the Mandibuzz.

    "Please, don't leave me," the female bug sobbed, trying to back away from her predator. "Please, please help me."

    "I'll help you." Samantha grinned, looking down at the whimpering insect.

    Meanwhile, the mother kept her target locked on the male bug. She edged towards him carefully, not wanting to underestimate the feisty thing. He however, couldn't risk her getting too close, let alone in the air again. Using only what he had in his arsenal, a thick white string burst forth from his mouth, spraying along the bird's talons. It caught along the bony ridges of her feet, wrapping tightly like wound bubblegum. She fell, twitching angrily, trying to free herself.

    "What is this garbage?" she snarled. Her wings fluttered madly, but neither they nor her beak could reach her legs because of her misshapen proportions.

    Sensing the chance of a life time, the insect dove towards the cactus, biting at the waxy coat with all his fervor. He was lucky; he was so small that his entire body could avoid most of the needles. Furious teeth chewed at the exterior for what seemed an eternity, though in reality, it was mere seconds. As soon as he bore through the outside, the inner, melon-like inside was far easier to proceed through.

    He was almost there, almost inside the hollow canal of the cactus when he heard it. An ear-piercing scream, one that could shatter anything in its path, had struck the deepest chord he possessed. It wasn't a call of pain, misery, or even torture. It was one of death.

    "L-Lily?" He was afraid to turn around, for inside, he already knew the outcome. Despite his mind urging better judgment, his heart pulled him towards the gruesome scene. Above his beloved, the murderess stood tall and proud. The feathers on her face were soiled with crimson, apparent that she had burrowed her way below the hard exterior of the shell. Tiny entrails wormed out of her mouth, laying against the cartilage of the beak like limp leftovers. His stomach twisted into knots.

    "Excellent, my child," screeched the Mandibuzz. "Now come help mother out of this trap."

    Samantha abandoned the body with some regret. It wasn't right to leave food where anyone could snatch it up, but the call of her caretaker triumphed over anything else. She flapped her wings, awkwardly flying and clumsily half-hopping towards the trapped bird. Without being told a second time, the ragged, stained beak began to rip apart the string tying her mother's feet together.

    Every fiber of the insect's being wished to run to his Lily, to cradle her corpse and hold her to his aching chest. But fear overpowered any feelings he held, and his feet threw him towards the opening in the cactus. He wormed his way inside, backing against the inner hollow.

    Finally free of the String Shot, the mother turned her attention to the flora where the prey had escaped. She pecked at the cactus relentlessly, trying to fit her elongated muzzle into the tiny opening the Caterpie had made. Her repeated, furious barrage of pecks pounded against the spine-ridden exterior, but to no avail. The quivering, crying caterpillar has escaped the suffering, even if it was only momentary.

    "Come, let's go. One is enough for today, child," the Mandibuzz said, abandoning the pursuit in lieu of a bloody beak. She lifted herself into the air, beckoning her child to follow.

    The Murkrow smiled brightly, happy she could do something to please her mother in desperate times. Grabbing the carcass tightly between her talons, the bird flew off into the sunset to feast with the only family she'd known.

    The lone insect huddled in the darkness, tears falling in disbelief. His entire life was just ripped away from him in one evening. Now, there was no one to console him, to smooth over the harsh reality. There were no warm arms to embrace him, only the cool melon rind on the inside of the cactus.

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    "And I stayed there over night. It was my only shelter, my only salvation. I tried to sleep, but every time I shut my eyes, I'd have vivid flash backs. That Murkrow, the blood...That's when I decided I on my own fate," the bug explained, finishing the recounting of his tale.

    "I... I'm still lost, amigo," the Infernape said, shrugging gently. "Please don't get me wrong, I am very sorry for your loss, but I do not see what would bring you all the way out here!"

    "I need guidance. I need someone who can help me rebuild a new life and take revenge on the creatures that carried my Lily off to her grave! I came searching in this forsaken desert to find the only person who can help me. I came to find... El Grande Mono de Fuego," the insect said, passion rampant in his speech.

    The other's jaw dropped, startled to hear a name he hadn't heard in decades. "You... you came searching for El Grande Mono de Fuego?"

    "Yes! Yes! Do you know him?" the Caterpie asked, his charcoal eyes large and pleading for any information that would lead him to his goal.

    "Sí. Sí, mi hermano. I knew him well," the Father sighed. "He was a great wrestler; one of the best luchadores in the entire world. Though our town is not on any map, everyone knew its name because of him. We used to get a lot of turistas and we used to house them in this church when the hotel would get full. He was truly a great man..."

    "You speak like he's dead," the bug said quietly, hanging his head in mourning.

    "He is." Silence fell over the room without any interruption. A single tear escaped from the corner of the priest's left eye.

    The Caterpie had never felt more awkward, though he wished to go further in his line of questioning. He had so much he wanted, nay, needed, to know...

    Sensing the tension in the room, the Infernape took it upon himself to quell the feelings sported by his new acquaintance. "Aye, do not feel so down. Though it was a glorious fall - one that does not need to be recounted, he will live on in los corazones of his many old fans."

    "So he's really gone...." The disappointment in the bug's voice was apparent. He was heavy with emotion.

    "No. He is still alive, mi amigo, but his will.... It is dead. The part of him that was El Grande Mono de Fuego is gone and will remain so. He now, is only a shell of a being. He hides, alone and away from everyone. His true self is finally lost and forgotten to the rest of the world."

    "He isn't forgotten to me!" Caterpie yelled, leaping out of the heavy wool sheets and onto the floor. "I came all this way to follow in his footsteps. I came here to become a luchador! To protect the good and stand strong for the sake of my dear Lily! El Grande Mono de Fuego is my idol! You can't take that away from me... And you certainly can't take it away from him!"

    The Infernape simply looked at the panting, emotional bug. Turning away, he reached a hand into his robes and withdrew an item he kept close to his heart. "Here, take this..."

    "What is it?" the other said, still bitter from the talk of his idol. But when he stopped to take a detailed look at the object he was presented with, a soft gasp escaped his throat. "This! This is..."

    "Sí. It is his luchador mask. I... I no longer need it. You take it."

    "I couldn't! I don't even know what to say... To think!" The Caterpie pushed the mask away, returning it to the priest.

    "Take it, por favor. To him, it is just a reminder of a painful past. For you, it could be the beginning of a wonderful future. It may serve you better." Still, the monkey could not look at the Pokemon on the floor. He was too ashamed, feelings too mixed, even though he had resigned to his fate long ago. "I just ask... I ask you to think carefully about your decision. If you are not weary, the world will eat you up."

    Taking his idol's mask, the bug held it to his chest as he inched away from the domicile he had spent the last several hours in. "Do you have somewhere I could go that's quiet? I... I want to mull everything over."

    "Of course. If you exit this room and go to your left, there's a staircase that leads to the bell tower. It's usually vacant. I used to go there when I was younger... I don't think anyone goes there now, but the door should still be open."

    "Thank you," the bug said nodding, following the advice of his elder.

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    The Caterpie had escaped to the bell tower of the cathedral; a beautiful, quiet place to make his decision. Out on the balcony, the air was dry... and yet there was still a slight breeze pushing through to tickle his antennae. It was almost dusk, but the town had already fallen asleep. With no one to impede his decision, the bug had made up his mind fairly quickly. He knew what he had to do, for his heart led the way. "I must become strong. I will choose a new name, a new life. Isn't that the correct path?"

    The only answer he received was the wind's whisper.

    Smiling, the insect brought to his face one of the items he had carried with him up to the tower. It was the mask he was given earlier by Father Inferni. He finally had something to provide a new identity and a newfound strength... a will to continue. The spandex was pulled over the round head, allowing only a circular mouth to escape the navy entrapment. The second item was a simple piece of paper with two names scrawled in horrid, rushed writing.

    "I kept this with me, our promise to each other... But this is my old name on here, your name too. This was my old life... And now, it is time to say adios." Bringing the paper to his lips for a dry, emotional parting, he let the light scrap fly away in the breeze.

    His voice cracked with the final farewell. "Hasta luego, mi amor..."

    END

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    End Note; Short stories are even harder than long ones! :x
    I also didn't mean for this story to be so serious. I originally aimed for a comedy and then bam. This.

    Spanish Words;

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    Pokemon Attempted; Caterpie & Murkrow.
    13k - 25k Character Range.
    (Caterpie 3-5k. Murkrow 10-20k).
    Character Count (Without Spaces); 20,000+
    Character Count (With Spaces); 25,000+
    ((All character counts do not include Author's Notes or Divider Bars.))
    Needs to be Graded.
    Last edited by Sequentio; 13th September 2011 at 05:49 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hasta Luego, Mi Amor

    Claimed because you seem like a cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hasta Luego, Mi Amor

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Alright, let me start by saying sorry for the wait, and that it had nothing to do with your story, but more with me being lazy. X_X The story itself was wonderful, but we'll get to that in a moment.

    First off, your intro.

    He clawed at his own throat, begging the mighty gods above for a simple lick of water. Thirst had overwhelmed him on this journey, taking priority over the burned skin on his numerous feet. Unlike a human, he could not find solace in shoes. The only relief he found was in his ideals. One day, he would be able to take revenge on his attackers and relish the feeling.
    You start off talking about how this character is dying of thirst somewhere, but don't really describe them. Normally, that'd be bad, but here it builds even more interest, and you do point out that he's not human, so that gives us some idea of what's going on. Now, a successful introduction should answer some questions, and open up others. Yours tells the reader enough that they can envision what's happening, but leaves enough up to imagination that it captures their interest. Where does it take place? In the desert. What kind of creature is the narrator? Some type of insect. What sort of conflict is he facing? Faceless monsters, heat, lack of food and water, a longing for revenge. Other than that basic story telling information, you leave everything else up to the reader for now, which works out well.

    The plot itself was definitely original. The setting almost reminded me of Rango or something like that, because of the Mexican-influenced desert motif. I also liked the elements of the whole luchador thing. Combined with Pokemon, it gave a very refreshing spin to everything. ANYWAYS. It all worked. The sad parts were sad, the suspenseful parts were suspenseful, the funny parts were funny. I do think you could've expanded on some things, such as:

    The lone insect huddled in the darkness, tears falling in disbelief. His entire life was just ripped away from him in one evening. Now, there was no one to console him, to smooth over the harsh reality. There were no warm arms to embrace him, only the cool melon rind on the inside of the cactus.
    Perhaps a new scene in between this one and the next one demonstrating how the Caterpie's entire life view has changed could've increased the sadness here, but that's probably just a personal choice. Overall, I thought the Caterpie was a pretty three dimensional character, and making him one was no easy task. As for the priest... HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EL GRANDE MONO DE FUEGO, RIGHT? RIGHT!? Yeeeeah, nice touch there.

    Detail: Your details were pretty solid. You didn't forget to describe any Pokemon and your scenery was far from lacking. Here's a few of my favorite passages:

    Hearing her mother’s command, the Murkrow leapt into action. Her small eyes grew large, red irises expanding over the white; like dye in water. Soon, the entirety of both eyes was a deep, hypnotizing red. The insect duo couldn't help but be ensnared into the trap. Now, no matter what they wanted to do, they couldn't escape the bird's Mean Look.
    The largest bird landed not far from the quivering insects, her feral beak curved into a snarl. A sickly flush illuminated her skin; skin that was stretched to its limits over the disfigured skull. Her sunken eyes only magnified the image that the bird was made of nothing but bone and feather. Her presence was only more frightening, as the remains of her conquests were adorned as armor. Presumably, it was the only defense the Mandibuzz had, but it worked undoubtedly as well to intimidate her prey.
    If I had to pick out the main thing that you were doing right, I'd say it was all the similes and metaphors, WHICH ARE FANTASTIC BY THE WAY. KEEP THOSE UP.

    Grammar: Mostly your grammar is excellent. Just a couple small things:

    His muscles, weary and weak.
    You don't need a comma there.

    "Aye! Shoo! Shoo you monstruos! You leave this poor, defenseless insecto alone, okay?" The voice rang out
    'The' should be lowercase, as it's part of a dialogue tag.

    It was just as the darkness arrived, that the savior had appeared.
    Also no need for a comma.

    Before a word could escaped the parched lips
    'His parched lips' would sound better, since they belong to someone.

    On the walls hung varied religious symbols, crosses made from bundles of dead wood, stained glass of the mighty God, Arceus.
    Since you're making a list, the comma after 'symbols' should be a colon or semicolon.

    "I am Father Inferni, priest of this fine church. We're at the St. Mesprit Cathedral, amigo," the ape forced a slight smile, extending a wrinkled hand.
    This is a common mistake. See, what you did is make 'the ape forced a slight smile' into a dialogue tag, which it can't be. Dialogue tags describe the way something is said, for example, 'he shouted', 'she yelled', 'it whispered', etc. Forcing a smile is a facial movement, rather than a tone of voice or way of speaking, so it should be in its own sentence, not attached to the dialogue.

    holding three handed fingers
    You mean three-fingered hands? *raises eyebrow*

    as adorned each their heads
    'Adorned' should be 'adorning'.

    Her small eyes grew large, red irises expanding over the white; like dye in water.
    'Like dye in water' isn't an independent clause, so that semicolon should just be a comma.

    If you are not weary, the world will eat you up.
    Should be 'wary', not 'weary'. Weary means tired, wary means cautious.

    Length: You're a-ok for length, way past where you need. :D

    Outcome: Caterpie and Murkrow... captured.

    ENJOY.



    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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