Sorry about the wait, the document with all my notes got corrupted so I had to go through it again, but enough for excuses i know what you want: the grade!
The intro did a nice job of re-introducing the character's quips and charms (which the story being in first person can really convey well). I don't think I really needed to read the first chapter to understand what was going on, which is a plus.
Interesting take on the whole "real world" Pokemon or at least an American Pokemon story. It reminded me of some vampire stories I've seen (the whole eyes different color, feeding on taboo things, etc.). Though it was, at least for me, a little odd that the kid wants Alaska to go around with him as a sort of "cover" under a traveling duo. Cause, the two that the kid's Pokemon ripped apart (awesome btw) found him relatively quick, so why draw attention to themselves? But I get it somehow, but still its somewhat odd.
Nicely detailed, small little things alaska notices that become important later on was nice. Though, some of the Pokemon could have been more detailed, like what Charizard looked like after the "battle" in the parking lot (all ravaged from ripping the men to shreds would have been gory, yet detailed and make the reader not at ease more with this character).
Some details seemed like mistakes, or at least like little things you missed:
The boy was wearing sunglasses, but Alaska could see an eyebrow raise across a "battlefield" distance. It could happen, but it was one of those things that caught my attention.
Eventually, the boss of Team Shadow
decided to do something risky. He decided to create Shadow Humans. No one had any idea what would happen, and even the mad scientists that worked for Team Cipher
were too afraid to try it out. However, Team Cipher's
boss was ruthless. He recruited a batch of kids off the street to experiment on.
It seems like the second "Team Cipher" was supposed to be refering to "Team Shadow." Small things like this you gotta be careful of.
Also, Bellsprout and Mantyke seemed perfectly find after being taken by people that killed their masters. It would have been an interesting dynamic for Alaska to deal with these two upset Pokemon, trying to tell them that their masters were evil people, etc, until finally joining her side.
This section I won't point out every little thing like I usually do (partly cause I lost most of it and felt that you've been waiting long enough and partly because I feel like you'd find out multiples of the mistakes I will point out).
“Yeah,” I answered
"I answered" either refers to "Yeah" or "his question" but with the way you punctuated, it seems like both, but with dialogue, it can't be both. You either answer, "Yeah" or you answer "his question." So to best fix this would to change the comma into a period.
“If you want a ride,” the man called from the other side of the truck, “You'll
have to earn it.”
Since the dialogue tag is acting upon both the dialogue before and after it (as the second comma suggests), "You'll" should be "you'll" as it is really apart of the same sentence.
Sometimes you separate words like "mini van" and "stand off" when they are really just one word: "minivan" and "standoff."
Also, there are times where it would make more sense to use the lowercase version of an attack name, since it is describing an action. For example:
The Poochyena took a deep breath and stared at the sky before letting out a long, mournful Howl
It's like describing a word by using the word in the definition. The bold "Howl" would make more sense as a lowercase "howl." since its describing the action of the move, instead of just repeating the move again.
Since then, there have been many Teams that have arose
from their ashes and then fallen again.
to say being caught by them isn't better than being caught by you?”
"Who is" = "Who's"
But Overall the Grammar was good.
Gym Battle was fairly paced (being the first gym it was bound to be unchallenging). It even had humor at the end with the Magikarp. The moves were described well, including the reactions to each attack which most people forget so good job!
It didn't seem like it was too long for a three Pokemon attempt. I was more focused on the story though, which is good. It was nicely paced and had interesting plot twists. +1
Interesting story so far. I'm kinda expecting for a kinda Twilight dynamic (but you know, with a lot more action and less whiny main characters :P).
Intro: Always good when you don't need to spoon-feed the reader on what happened last time
Plot/Reality: A bit of unsureness with the whole "i'm going to protect you so go get gym badges" thing but not enough to really drag the grade down.
Details: You really just need to watch out of little slips of titles and finer details, but for 3 simple pokemon, it is fine.
Grammar: Watch contraction words and Move Titles vs move details.
Battle: Fine for the first gym leader
Length: More than enough character wise, but still a good unoverbearing read.