The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!!
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!!

  1. #1
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    The World of Shadows
    Posts
    421
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!!

    pokemon going for:
    Gligar
    Natu
    Magikarp

    Characters needed 23,000 to 43,000
    Characters in story 25,819


    The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!


    It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining bright in the sky and the spring breeze is pleasant against my skin. As I look down at the lake, the sun reflects off the surface of the water. The water sparkles from the sun's light, and the lake reflects the big oaks trees, and long grass which grows all around the lake. This view fills my heart with joy; to see the beauty of this land all around me is the most beautiful site I have ever seen. All around me I get to see this divine site; I can smell the flowers that are in bloom and hear the sounds of the birds singing. What a perfect day this is. I lay back to take a nice long nap. As I close my eyes I hear a voice from far away. I turn to see my cousin Gwen coming down from the house. Now Gwen was the fattest girl I had ever seen in my life. She could eat twelve cheese burgers, five large fries, and three milk shakes all by herself, that's how fat this bitch is. I know it is not nice to talk about my cousin like that, but damn, the girl is sixteen and weighs 250 pound and that's all I can say.

    “Spartacus, where are you? Aunt Lois is looking for you. Spartacus!”

    “I’m over here. What do you want now? I’m trying to take a nap!”

    “Well its about time you came out. Aunt Lois is looking for you and this time you're in big trouble”

    “Yeah right, I’ll tell you what, why don't you take your fat ass and go stuff your face full of some donuts and chips and all those goodies you like. So get out of my face and go do your fat shit!”

    “You're a jerk, Spartacus, and I’m telling Aunt Lois on you!”

    That's right, go cry!. Well things were good until she showed up, guess I’ll go see what mom wants. I walked up to my house. It has three levels on it and it’s panted a sky blue color. We had a porch in front of the house and double doors leading into it. As I walked in, I go down the hall, into the living room. I see my older brother playing on the game system. We have a flat screen TV, 52" wide, an Xbox 360, and other game systems to go with it. Not that I like to brag. My mom and all my aunts were in the kitchen. They didn’t look too happy to see me, but I don’t care. All of my aunts were stupid and had no idea what they were talking about most of the time, so if they were mad at me I just learned to ignore them. After all, someone has to be an adult around here, and it was not them. My dad and uncles were no help at all. They just hide in the back of the house, watching sports all day, so any help from them was no good. I turned around, and my mom was glaring at me from the kitchen. She was not happy to see me, so it was time to see what I had done this time.

    “Spartacus, did you glue you sisters underwear together again?!”

    “What? No! Why would I touch her underwear? What do I look like. some pervert? Come on!”

    “Oh, well who did it then, because your cousin Gwen said she watched you leave your sisters' room.”

    “Like you can believe a word of what that fat pig says, and if I remember, she also said that I was in the living room and broke the DVD player, yet James said he did it by mistake when he was moving some thing around. So how about you go see Mark, and Luke, about that? After all, they did say they were going to get back at Lily for taking their bikes without asking.”

    “That does not mean that they did it, but I’ll let you off for now. But if i find out you're lying to me, you're in big trouble now. Why were you being mean to Gwen and calling her names?”

    “Well, I don't like her and she acts like a jerk and does not know what the word shower means, so how do you want me to act to her I just treat her like she acts, which is like a pig”

    “That's not nice and for that I don't want to see you in front of the TV for a week, and no games either!”

    “Sure, i’m cool with that now, I’m going to get out of here. See you later.”


    Well it was nice to know my mom thinks I am a pervert, but it doesn't matter. I was sleeping outside tonight, that way no one can blame me for anything. I walked out to the shed and got my camping gear. I turn around and grabbed my fishing rod as well. I closed the shed door, locked it back up, and walked back to the lake, the sun was now setting. I pitched my tent, laid my back against a tree, and watched the sun set. Time for that nap. I closed my eyes and slept. I awaken to the sound of a splash. I look up to see a Politoed right in front of me.

    “Politoed.”

    “Wow, don't see much of you guys out and about. So what you up to?”

    “Politoed! Politoed! Politoed!”

    “What in the world are all you guys doing here?”

    “Croagunk.”

    “Damn, why are all you guys out here? Go back to the lake. Go on, leave me be!”

    I could not believe my eyes, four Politoed and one Croagunk. What were all these frogs doing here? I watched as they returned to the lake, but still couldn't understand what were all the frogs doing. Guess I’ll just go back to sleep and find out what was going on tomorrow. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. The sun shined right in my face and woke me up. There was a Pokemon near the lake, playing in the shallow water. I got up and took a closer look at the Pokemon. I couldn't believe my eyes; it was a Gligar. I turned around, and grabbed my old backpack, and opened the side pocket. Yes, there it was, my Grandfathers' last Pokeball in it! I grabbed the Pokeball and ran down to the lake were the Pokemon was playing. I dropped behind a bush, and waited for the Gligar to turn its back. It took a minute for the Pokemon to turn its back, but when he did I jumped out from behind the bush and threw the Pokeball at it. The Pokemon turned around, and slapped the Pokeball right back at me. The Pokeball hit me right in my chest, and knocked me off my feet. Then the Gligar took off. I got up, and grabbed the Pokeball and ran after the Pokemon. I ran into the woods to find the Gligar. It had stopped to try and get some berries off the trees, but could not reach them. This was the perfect opportunity for me to get it. I grabbed some berries off the tree and put them down one at a time on the ground. I threw a rock at the Pokemon, and he turned around to see the berries I laid out for him. Its eyes were filled with joy to see the food. It rushed over to the berries and started to eat them one at a time. Just a little bit more, then he was mine! But no, he picked up the berries and took off into the air. What a fucking dick. I took off after it. I ran for sixteen minutes before, the Pokemon stopped. It landed on a branch. I was out of breath and about to give up when the Gligar jumped down off the branch. It was drinking water from a stream. I was in no hurry, so I waited it out. I climbed a tree and watched the Gligar from my tree. I was going to be in trouble for leaving the house, but I didn’t care much. They couldn't do anything any ways, so I laid back and waited. It had been four hours and still this Pokemon wouldn't go to sleep. I was running out of patience, by the time the sun set and I was still no closer to catching this Pokemon. I could see why the Gligar liked this place. These tall trees were gorgeous, even more so with the little stream there running through down to the lake. It was nice and quiet. That was the best thing about this place. I had my eye on the Gligar, when I spotted my little cousin Tyrannius. He was ten and was my favorite cousin. He loved Pokemon. Well, bug Pokemon that is. His first Pokemon was a Weedle. My aunt didn’t want him to get one so he asked Grandpa for one for Christmas, and he got him one, and boy was my Aunt Kristen mad. But it was too late. He had one. That was two years ago. Now he has a Beedrill and an Abra. Abra is a psychic Pokemon, but he thinks its cute so he saved up all his money and got one. Now, what I want to know is what he is doing out here by himself. It was dark now, and this part of the forest is no place for him to be playing in. I climbed down out of the tree and walked over to him. Gligar was not going anywhere.

    “Tyrannius, what are you doing out here? It's late.”

    “Oh! You scared me, Myifee, why are you sneaking around out here?”

    “I’m doing something, and you didn’t tell me why you are out here, so start talking.”

    “Okay. I was looking for some bug Pokemon. I found a Caterpie out here, so I used the Pokeball Grandpa gave me to catch it, so now I'm trying to find some more bugs.”

    “Well I don't care, it's dark out here. Go back to the house, got it? I don't want to see you out here again.”

    “But what are you doing out here?”

    “I’m trying to catch, a Pokemon, now go home.”

    “Oh, I want to help! Where is it, what is it?”

    “Its over there, and no. Aunt Kristen will have a fit if I keep you out here, now go back now!”

    “I’ll cover for you! If you let me help you, then we both can go back together. That way I’m not by myself.”

    “Okay, but you have to do what I say, and no going off by yourself. You stay right next to me, got it?”

    “Yup, I got it!”

    Well now I have to look out for him, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to have someone to talk to. To get this Pokemon, my plan was to wait for it to go to sleep, but since Tyrannius was with me, I needed a new plan, and one just popped into my head.

    “Okay, here is the plan: you are going to use your Beedrill and knock it out of the tree, then use Beedrill's Twineedle attack, and then I’ll throw my Pokball at it. That's the plan, now go!”

    Tyrannius, was happy to help me, but my plan was all up to him. If he made a mistake, I'd lose Gligar. I watched him sneak up to where Gligar was, and pull out his Beedrill’s Pokeball. He threw it into the air, and a red light flashed from the ball, and Beedrill appeared in front of him. Beedrill was yellow with two black stripes, and its rear its legs were black. Its arms were black also, and it had red eyes. It looked like he had two wings, but he really had four. Its stinger was toxic as well. Its hands were needles; they were sharp as could be. Boy, I’d hate to get hit by them.

    “Beedrill!”

    The Pokemon let out its battle cry. Gligar turned around to look for the Pokemon.

    “Okay, Beedrill, go knock that guy out of the tree with Rage attack, go!”

    Beedrill took off at a violent speed, straight for Gligar. The Pokemon spotted Beedrill flying right to it, but it was too late. Beedrill was right there. He slammed right into Gligar, and knocked him out of the tree. Gligar hit the ground hard and was trying to get back up, when Tyrannius called out the next attack.

    “Cool, now finish him off with a Twineedle attack!”

    Beedrill's two needles, that were on its arms lit up as it was flying right for Gligar. The attack was about to hit, when Gligar jumped off the ground to dodge the attack. He now was about to counter by attacking. His pincers lit up and he dropped from the air, and hit Beedrill right in the back and knocked him out of the air. I had seen that move before; it was X Scissor and was a powerful attack, but Beedrill got back up.

    “Okay Beedrill, use your Fury Attack!”

    Oh boy, Beedrill didn’t look so happy, and he had used Rage already, so that would help the attack. Beedrill's speed was incredible! He got to Gligar before he could turn around. Then again, Gligar could only glide in the air, not fly. Beedrill started to stab Gligar in its back six times with his Fury Attack .

    “Gligar!”

    This was the end. Gligar fell through the air and landed in the small stream.

    “Okay, Myifee, now throw your Pokeball at it!”

    I pulled out the Pokeball and threw it in the air. The ball opened up, and sucked Gligar into it. The ball wiggled once, then wiggled twice, then I heard the “Bing!” sound. Yes! Gligar was mine. Now all I had to do was get Tyrannius back to the house. Tyrannius, called back Beedrill. It was time to get back. It was now 8:42pm, and my dad was going to be pissed off at me for having Tyrannius out here this late. We finally got back to the house, and dad was in the back of the house.

    “Myifee, we need to go to the Pokemon Center to get Beedrill some help. He needs to heal!”

    “Okay, go find mom and tell her to do it.”

    Tyrannius, went to find Aunt Kristen so I went into my room to get my flash light, and some snacks I had in there. I was about to go back outside to my tent, when Tyrannius ran down the hall calling my name.

    “Myifee! Mom's not here! She and the girls left to go out, what are we going to do?!”

    “Okay, calm down, I’ll go get dad, and he can take us to the Pokemon Center, just stay here”

    I went to the back room, were my dad was. I opened the door and walked in. Now, no one is allowed back there, but Tyrannius needed him to take his Pokemon to the Pokemon Center, so here we go.

    “What are you doing in here boy? Get out now!”

    “I cant. Tyrannius needs to go to the Pokemon Center. His Beedrill got hurt, and will faint if we don't get it there and mom, and the girls left. That leaves you, so you going to take us?”

    “That's okay, I’ll take them to the Center, you guys finish watching the game.”

    Yes, Grandpa was going to take us! I liked it better when we go with him, because he's not a douche bag like the rest of them. So we went out to the car and left for the Pokemon Center. It took about ten minutes to get there, but we made it in time. We got out of the car and went in. The nurse was nice to us. She took Beedrill and put him in a healing chamber.

    “Umm... Nurse, can you take a look at my Pokemon? He is the one that injured Beedrill. We were trying to catch him, and he got hurt too.”

    “Yes, please give him here and I will put him in the healing chamber as well.”

    It took about, one hour for the both of them to get back up and running. Grandpa was not happy, when I told him what happened to Beedrill and how I got Gligar, though he was not all mad since I got the Pokemon. We went back to the house, and Mom was back already. Tyrannius went to bed and I was on my way outside. I closed and locked the doors, then went back to my tent. I got in it and when to sleep. It was a little hard since it was nine o'clock, but who cares? I shut my eyes and went to sleep.

    “Seismitoad!” “Seismitoad!”
    “Great, what now?!”

    I got up, and when out side to see what was making the noise. “This was not good: in front of my tent were fourteen Seismitoads, ten Politoed, and twelve Croagunk’s what was going on with the Pokemon?”.

    “Croagunk!”

    I turned around to a Croagunk running at me. He jumped into the air and his fist lit up a purple, and he hit me right in the stomach, and knock the wind right out me.

    “Ahhhh! oh! that hurt!”

    I took off to the house to get help, from grandpa. He had pokemon that could take on the jerks. But I didn’t make before a Politoed use its Hydro Pump attack. the water hit my back and sent me flying through the air,
    I hit the ground hard, then to make things worse the Seismitoad jumped on my back, and started to use its Water Gun attack in my face.

    “Help! ahhhhhhhh! help! help! ahhhh!”

    “Alakazam, use your Psychic attack!”

    I felt a wave move through my body, then Seismitoad started to rise up off me, I looked up and all the Frog and Toads, were in the air. Then like a rocket they shot through the air back lake.

    “Wow!”

    “Are, you okay, Myifee!”

    “Yeah, I am now, thanks, Grandpa I don’t know what with the Pokemon around here?”

    “Well, let get you in and clean you up”

    We went back to the house, and I took a shower. my body was sore and my head was on fire, I got in the shower and finished it then, when down stairs to get something to eat, I had a black eye from when I hit the ground. I could just hear the jokes, about this one over powered by some frogs, I was not going to live this one down. I walked into the kitchen my mom and aunts, were making breakfast. I took a seat at the table, we were having eggs sausage pancakes, and this time mom was make the eggs which means they wont get burned.

    “Myifee! what happen to you?!”

    “Um.., I was coming up from the lake when I fell and hit my face”

    “Ha, like that happened! I watched out the window as some Pokemon beat the crap, clean out you boy got his ass whipped, like a four year old girl in the super market haha!”

    “Hahahahaha! you got beat up by some Pokemon! hahahaha!”

    “Shut up Mark! and thanks Simon I appreciate the help”

    “Anytime, bro anytime”

    “Okay quite down now! I want to see you boys out side after breakfast!”

    We got done eating, then when out side to see what grandpa wanted. I was the first one out the door. Grandpa had a table with three pokeball on it.

    “Okay boys step right up its, about time you boys learned, how to battle with pokemon. Now I have three pokemon here, for you boys Luke you get Voltorb Mark you get Bellsprout, and Spartacus you get Natu.”

    “Wow, Luke my pokemon is better, then yours you know that right?”

    “You wish I got the better, one not you and mine is a Electric type.”

    “Okay that's enough, I don't want to hear it. Now I know you have a pokemon already, Spartacus, but you can still have this one. Now I will teach you all how to battle, with your new pokemon. Tyrannius get over here, you will battle with Mark, and Luke will battle with Spartacus. Move to the middle of the yard and sent your pokemon!”

    “Beedrill, you’re up!”

    “Okay, little cousin time for me to show you how it done Voltorb come on out!”

    Now this would a good match, and I didn’t mind watching Tyrannius whip Lukes butt. now I would have something to hold, over Lukes head next time he wants to clown me. I watched as Tyrannius, called out his attack and Beedrill took of at the Voltorb. Voltorbs eyes were filled with fear the little Pokeball pokemon turned around, and rolled away from Beedrill. It was so funny watching, Mark yell at his new pokemon, which was now on the run from Beedrill. But that little guy was not fast enough, Beedrill hit that pour pokemon, with its Furry Attack. Beedrill hit Voltrob four times with its Furry Attack, voltorb rolled over on its side then fainted.

    “Well you just got your butt handed to you Mark! What do you have to say for yourself!?”

    “It was not my fault, the little coward ran away from beedrill how's that my fault!?”

    “Because its your pokemon it does, what you say to do, there for its your fault not its! now get back in line!. Spartacus you and Luke are up lets go. “
    Now since you got Natu, and Gligar you can choose which one you want to battle with”

    “Um.....okay i’ll use my Gligar in this battle”

    I step into the middle, of the yard and Luke threw his pokeball first. Bellsprout came out. The little pokemon was a weed. It was some what funny looking at this pathetic pokemon almost made me not want to kick Lukes butt, but I was not about to let that happen.

    “Okay, Gligar its your time to shine!”

    I through the pokeball into the air, then it opened and a red light flashed from the ball my Gligar appeared in front of me. Gligar was a purple color with a claw on each foot. The skin under its arm made it look like a flying squirrels, under arm because of this it made it possible for Gligar to glide but not fly.

    “Okay, Gligar use you X-Sisser attack now!”

    “Bellsprout, use your Vine Whip attack to throw Gligar to the ground!”

    Gligar jumped in to the air, then glided right for Bellsprout, his pincers lit up as he ready his attack. Bellsprout reached out its arms, and tried to wrap its arms around Gligar. Gligar use its X-Sisser to block the attack and glided right into Bellsprout. Bellsprout was sent, flying through, the air and hit the house. one move ended this battle, but I guess that was normal since mine and Tyrannius’s pokemon where stronger.

    “Okay that enough for today. You guys can keep on practicing if you want, i’m going back in to watch the game if you have any questions just come ask me”

    I went back down to the lake, but didn’t make it back to my tent when I spotted a big group of pokemon. This time there was only ten Politoed, six Seismtoads, and one big Croagunk. Each of these pokemon were strong, and smart Seismitoad, was a blue and white toad. Politoed was green color. And Croagunk was purple, and red frog and was the leader of this group. I could tell that by the way the other, pokemon were acting around, it I went back up to the house, to get my cousins to help get rid of these pokemon. I was not about to spend one more night in the house to think about it, that sad when a man can’t sleep in his own house.

    “Hey, I need your help guys”

    “You, want our help, well that interesting what's in it for us?”

    “You, guys can have my TV if you help me out, and i’ll give it to you so you have something in your room to watch, at night fair enough?”

    “Hmmm.........you got a deal now, what do you want us to help you with?”

    “I want to go back down to the lake but I can because, there are pokemon down there, and they attack me when I go near them. So I need you guys to help me battle them, and kick them out that my camp site!”

    “Okay were help with that were clear them out tomorrow morning. that way we can battle some more, and with some luck my pokemon might evolve. So tomorrow morning we go to battle!”

    “Okay, I will meet you guys out here in the morning I‘m going in”

    I walked in to the house, went up stairs. I took out my pokeballs, and let out my pokemon. Natu and Gligar, seem to like each other, Natu was a little bird pokemon that was psychic and flying, not all that strong, but when it evolved it was powerful pokemon. Mark and Luke were still out side and the sun had set. Natu and Gligar were, playing with each other Tyrannius was playing with his pokemon, All I could think about was getting back my camp site. All I wanted to do was sit back take a nap, and go fishing that’s all and now, I have to fight if I want to do that. I don't know what got into these pokemon, but I was about to end this once and for all. I woke up the next morning, Mark and Luke were out side already, Tyrannius was with them. This was it the day I get back my camp site, Natu and Gligar were asleep on the floor I put them back in there pokeballs. Then I went down stairs to meet Mark and Luke.

    “Well, its about time you got here, we were about to let you do this yourself”

    “Well, i’m here now, let go”

    We when down to the lake were the pokemon had taken over my camp site.

    “Okay, guys let get them charge!”

    This was not a good start, but this was it I throw my pokeball in the air and Gligar, appeared Lukes Bellsprout had evolve from all that battling they did last night now, he had a Weepinbell, it was yellow and green with a brown stem. The Seismitoads, and Politoed, charged right for us. The Croagunk, stayed back. Before I new it a Seismitoad, was in my face about to use a Hydro Pump attack, when Weepinbell jumped in the way, then he used his Razor Leaf attack which KOed; the water pokemon.

    “get in the fight dick head! what are you waiting for!”

    “I called out for Gligar, to attack.

    “Gligar, use you slash attack!”

    the battle was bad. I watch as Gligar slices through the pokemon, and Weepinbells Razor Leaf cut the heads of the Politoed. Blood was every were I called out for Gligar to use X sisser attack. most of the pokemon were dead, before we new it a Seismitoad had jumped out the lake.

    “Seismitoad!!!!!!”

    Not good all, I heard was a “boom!” sound and I lost my hearing. I fell to the ground, and covered my ears up, a smell come over me it was like bad fish, and burnt hair. Then my sound come back slowly, I got back up and stepped on a body, when that damn Politoed use it focus punch attack and hit me, right in my gut I let out a cry when a blast of heat hit my face. Then there was a loud sound like thunder, a flash of light when by my eyes, it had looked like lighting. I turn around to see my older brother standing right next to me, with his Gengar, Which was a ghost pokemon had use a thunder, attack which split the pokemon in two. I got back up again, and took control of the battle.

    “Okay, guys Luke, finish off the Politoed, Mark, you got Seismitoad, and Simon, you get all of them. Gligar, use you Poison sting attack, and get rid of that Croagunk!”

    Gligar, jumped in to the air. Then at full speed he slammed, right in the Croagunk. he use his stinger, and stabbed it through its neck. Then he took his pincers, and wrap them around Croagunks, neck and then cut it right off. He then let go, and came back to me. I took a good look around, me to see we had won the battle. I didn’t do that much but it was over.

    “Yeaaaaaah! let this be the day that every one remembers! the day that we went into battle, and won! it was not some big hot shot but us, my brothers! we will be the one that are remembered!”

    “Yeahhhh!”

    “Hell yeahh!

    “Thanks for the help guys, The TV is yours now, I going fishing see you guys later”

    “What, ever let get out of here before it starts to stink”

    “Wait, we have to put a something here, to let people know what happen”

    “That's, right okay Weepinbell, use your Razor Leaf attack on that tree!”

    “Wait! what are we going to call this?”

    “I know guys, this will be the place were The Great Toad-Frog Massacre, happened”

    “Yeah, that it The Great Toad-Frog Massacre okay now, use you Razor Leaf attack!”

    Weepinbell, had slashed the name of the battle, on a tree I walk back to my tent, got my fishing rod walked down to my fishing rock. then cast my line in to the water, it didn't take long before I got a bite. It was a Magikarp, pulled it in walked back up to my tent started a fire, and through that sucker a the skillet I lad back against the tree, and enjoyed the sun rise. I turned around to take one last good look at the battle field I was happy I got back my camp site I got two pokemon to share the rest of my summer with. So the air smelled like a slaughter house of rotten meat, and I was next to the body of a Politoed, but that was all right. My fish was done I picked it up took my blade out cut all the scales off it. Then I took out its eyes sliced off its head ripped out all the guts put it between two pieces of bread, the I grabbed the ketchup put a glob on. Then sunk my teeth into it, I turned back to the sun rise.

    “Yup, this is going to be a good day!”




    I dont have good grammer because i’m not a good writer so if i’m off on the grammer that why and this is my first story.
    Last edited by Black Reaper; 4th March 2012 at 05:05 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,726

    Default Re: The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!![WWC]

    Claimed, bro. May take me a couple days. School sucks. T_T
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,726

    Default Re: The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!![WWC]

    @Black Reaper

    I would first like to say: SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SCHOOL AND URPG AND SCHOOL AND WRITING GROUP AND THEN I FORGOT I CLAIMED THIS AND GAH. Moving on now.

    Intro/Plot/Characters:

    The intro is great. You start out with this whole 'it's a beautiful day' thing and then it turns into 'DAMN THAT BITCH GWEN IS FAT'.

    Now Gwen was the fattest girl I had ever seen in my life. She could eat twelve cheese burgers, five large fries, and three milk shakes all by herself, that's how fat this bitch is. I know it is not nice to talk about my cousin like that, but damn, the girl is sixteen and weighs 250 pound and that's all I can say.
    I lol'd. So your exposition is good, definitely funny. To be honest, though, as time went on, your grammar sort of distracted me from the humor and all the good stuff that you can do, so you really have to work on that. I think that if you could get it so like 80-90% of your grammar was right, you would be an awesome writer. I can clearly see emotion and humor and stuff in your prose, and I think the reader would be able to as well, and that would pull them right into the story, as this does.

    The plot itself is not complex. It's just a guy living with a lot of family members who gets fed up with them and goes to sleep in a tent. He ends up catching some Pokemon, learning to battle, and in the end, him and his cousins kick the collective asses of a ton of frog Pokemon. I mean, there's not much more to it than that. Now, this isn't a bad thing. A lot of the greatest authors have done some very meandering type stories. To name a couple off the top of my head, Ulysses by James Joyce, Cannery Row by John Steinbeck, The Red Horse also by John Steinbeck. So it's not a bad way to go. The catch is, when you write stories like that, they need TONS of detail, and generally to have something make up for the plot. In this story I could see it being your character's improving relationships with his cousins, but it's not really explored enough to make up for the lack of a plot. However, I definitely enjoyed reading your story. I'm just saying that in the future, you should try to have more events or character development happen. Also, like I said before, you gotta clean up your grammar, but I bitch about that below, so ;D

    Grammar: Okay, so, grammar is something we need to work on. That's okay. Mine was icky too when I started.

    “Great what now!”
    There should be a comma after 'great' and then that sentence should end in a question mark. Remember, question words are: Why, What, Where, When, and How.
    This was not good the in front of my tent were fourteen Seismitoad’s ten Politoad’s, and twelve Croagunk’s what was going on with the Pokemon.
    That should say something like, "This was not good: in front of my tent were fourteen Seismitoads, ten Politoeds, and twelve Croagunks. What was going on with the Pokemon?"

    You only put apostrophes after proper nouns to indicate possession or as a contraction of 'it is'. So what this really says is: 'Fourteen Seismitoads is, ten Politoeds is,' etc etc.

    I took off to the house to get help from grandpa, he had pokemon that could take on the jerks.
    This should be split into two sentences where the comma is.

    then like a rocket they shot through the air back lake.
    Make sure to capitalize the first letter of the first word in each sentence.

    “Yeah, I am now thanks grandpa I don’t what with the Pokemon”
    Comma after 'now' and 'thanks'. Grandpa should be capitalized. Everything after 'grandpa' should be a new sentence, and it looks like you missed a couple words there. To remember where to put commas, try to place them after pauses. A new sentence should be started when the subject is changed.

    We when back to the house and I took a shower.
    You use the word 'when' instead of 'went' multiple times, so watch out for that.

    I walk in to the kitchen my mom and aunts were make breakfast.
    'Walk' should be 'walked' since it's past tense. 'Make' should be 'making'.

    “Like that happened I watched out the window as some Pokemon beat the crap out you”
    Should be, 'Like that happened! I watched out the window as some Pokemon beat the crap out of you.'

    “Wow, luke my pokemon is better then yours you know that right?”
    Names should always be capitalized.

    now I know you have a pokemon already Spartacus but you can still have this one.
    Should be, 'Now I know you have a Pokemon already, Spartacus, but you can still have this one.'

    “Beedrill, your up!”
    Your is used to indicate possession, like, 'Your dog is in my yard.'
    This should be 'you're', which is a contraction of you and are. 'Beedrill, you are up!'

    what do you have to say for your self!?”
    'What' should be capitalized, 'your self' should be 'yourself'.

    It was not my fault the little cowered
    Should be 'coward'.
    I step in the middle of the yard, and Luke through his pokeball first Bellsprout came out the little pokemon was a weed.
    This should be, 'I stepped into the middle of the yard and Luke threw his Pokeball first. Bellsprout came out. The little Pokemon was a weed.'

    Okay that enough for to day.
    'Today' should be one word.

    “You, want are help well that interesting what's in it for us?”
    'Are' should be 'our'.

    I walk in to the house, went up stares.
    A 'stare' would be looking at someone for a long time. You're thinking of 'stairs'.

    There's more stuff than this but I just sort of put down the gist of it, so you have an idea of what to fix.

    Detail:

    Gligar was a purple color with a claw on each foot. The skin under its arm made it look like a flying squirrels under arm because of this it made it possible for Gligar to glide but not fly.
    I'd say this passage sums up your quality of detail for the entire story. For a beginning author, you do capture some very nice, fine details, and I like the simile you made here in particular. Overall, your visual detail is fine, especially compared to other new writers. You do a good job describing Pokemon and the humans in your story. The actual settings could use a touch more description though. Your battles were all properly detailed, so I could imagine the moves perfectly. Good job! One thing you could try adding in the future is more detail pertaining to the other senses. Most of your detail was focused on sight. You could also include sounds, tastes, smells, and how things feel in your next stories.

    Another kind of detail (and don't worry, a lot of people forget about this), is emotional detail. What your characters feel, how you show what they're feeling, etc, etc. There is a golden rule of writing that goes "Show, don't tell". That holds true here. Your main character has a definite strong personality, but if I had to pick a dominant mood throughout the story, I'd say 'annoyed'. I don't know if you intended this or not, but he felt very snarky and cynical. However, instead of saying something like 'I was annoyed', you could put, 'I scowled and rolled my eyes at him'. Or something like that at least. xb It's difficult to master, but since details are one of your strong points, I think you could do it.

    Length: Yeah you just make the cut, you're good.

    Outcome: Natu... Captured. Magikarp... Captured. Gligar... Not captured.

    Overall, I liked your story, but the plot was very simple and your grammar kind of messed up all the good stuff your prose had going for you. Go back and fix the grammatical issues and maybe throw in some extra detail, and you can have Gligar.



    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,726

    Default Re: The Great Toad-Frog Massacre!!

    @Black Reaper

    Looks good, you can have Gligar now!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •