The Grand Awakening [The Beggining of an Unforgettable Journey] (Story 1)

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  1. #1
    What the deuce? Badal's Avatar
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    Arrow The Grand Awakening [The Beggining of an Unforgettable Journey] (Story 1)

    The Grand Awakening

    Pokemon Targetted: Pichu
    Length: 5446 characters (without spaces)


    It was just 7 AM when he woke up. The sun was shining down on his face, he covered it up with his blanket and felt like going back to sleep. But then he remembered that today was an important day and he should get ready. So he got up and went to his bathroom, got dressed, took out his washed Purple jacket, combed his hair, just the way he wanted to with the blue streak popping out of the hat and walked out of the bathroom.

    It wasn’t that big of a surprise to see his friend and neighbour- coolking49 standing outside his window waving like there’s no tomorrow, but it was peculiar seeing him hold his Beldum between his hands as though it were a show piece. Well Badal walked downstairs grabbed his Pokedex from the table, picked up a carton of Apple juice (the kind that got him high) and walked out of the doorway. Well he was all set to go on another trip so he walked with coolking, chatting about how Charmander was better/not better than Beldum. It wasn’t long before coolking asked Badal if he spotted something different, well turned out that Professor Leonardo told him that there was a rare pokemon that he had spotted, so they would both go and get em.

    It was barely 15 min. into the journey that they heard grass rustling, at first Badal charged forwards, but realized that it wouldn’t help so he quietly walked and hid behind trees, trying to catch a glimpse of his opponent the rustling went on even after Badal looked around everywhere! But still couldn’t find this mysterious pokemon. He just couldn’t give up. He yelled “Charmander, help me search, try using slash on the grass, maybe it’s a small pokemon”. That didn’t help either. Frustration was slowly kicking in and Badal wanted to just find that Pokemon. He felt thirsty so he sat down and took out his bottle of water from his bag, gave it to his Charmander and then had a few sips himself. It was right then when he saw the fast pokemon, it was lying right there with a yellow belly. Badal pulled out his pokedex and pointed it at the pokemon. The Pokedex spoke loud and clear: “Pichu, the electric pokemon. Pichu are fast and are very jolly, they enjoy making friends.” That was when Badal knew it, he wanted the Pichu.

    It wasn’t just the need to catch the pokemon, it was just the speed of the pokemon! “Oh all the battles I can win with Pichu, I just can’t imagine”, he thought. Just then coolking appeared and asked “Where were you, I thought I lost you in these woods! I’ve had enough of this searching, I’m going home for breakfast, come back soon, its almost 11 AM”. Badal quietly pointed behind coolking and whispered- “Pichu”. Coolking in all his arrogance said, “Eh I don’t give a damn, my beldum is strong “ and walked away. It was right then that Badal spotted the Pichu twitch its left hand. “How do I wake it up?” Badal thought, “maybe water” he took the water bottle out and poured it on the sleeping Pichu, but nothing happened. That was when Badal said, “Charmander lets do this! Charmander, use Flamethrower”. Charmander leaped up in the air and breathed the flames…
    Pichu felt the flames and woke up, its eyes wide open, it jumped up. Badal could see the sparks on its cheek. Charmander looked into its eyes and jumped to his right, somehow predicting an attack! Badal was already loving this and yelled, “Charmander, way to go! Another Flamethrower! To his right!”
    Charmander quickly used flamethrower. This wasn’t enough… “Charmander Slash to get his HP down!” said Badal. Badal was getting excited and so was Charmander though he wasn’t going to let this get the better of them. Charmander tried dodging Pichu’s attack though Pichu was too fast for him. A bolt of electricity passed through Charmander as Pichu attacked. Charmander fell down though he kept his hopes up. Charmander charged towards the Pichu and slashed it with its razor sharp claws. The Pichu fell to its knees, almost as though admitting defeat. That was when Badal knew it was the right time, he yelled “Charmander, enough” and chucked that shining red ball that he was clutching in his hand (No not his balls) His eyes were on the pokeball as it landed near the Pichu… opened up and the Pichu went inside…. The Pokeball twitched… once…..twice….thrice….. it felt like Pichu would come out. Click, the pokeball sounded. “YES!” yelled Badal! He got it! He picked up the pokeball and clicked the middle button and Pichu popped out.

    Pichu walked with Badal and Charmander as Badal went on with a long speech. “Pichu, welcome to Team Ninja! Charmander and me were the only 2 until you joined, welcome! We all rely on each other and we trust each other with our lives. Here’s something I say everytime- Loosing is just another step to victory. Apart from that, just tell me if you ever need anything and Oh! I forgot to introduce you- this is Charmander, my buddy, he is my first ever pokemon! and we’re on an unbeaten streak :P. Well its upto you wether you want to be in a pokeball or you want to walk, Charmander is fine with anything so I suppose he should walk now to get to know each other is that fine?” A nod followed by “Pika!” was Pichu’s response.

    They walked along the forest path as Badal continued singing to himself “When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell” Well that wasn’t the best song to be singing with a new partner around was it? The song was accompanied with constant “Char” ‘s and “Pika” ’s. Until suddenly Badal heard a loud “PICHU!!!!!!” Followed by “CHARMANDER, CHAR CHAR”. He turned around and saw both the Pokemon using thunderbolt and Flamethrower at the tree. He noticed it was an apple they were trying to get down. “Wait! Pichu, use thnderbolt on the small branch near the Apple and Charmander you jump up and use Slash on it” The two pokemon used the two moves resulting in the apple falling down, unfortunately on Badal’s head. “NEWTON!” said Badal, as he picked up the apple and gave it to the two pokemon to eat.

    They walked out of the forest and came near coolking’s house and Badal picked up Pichu and walked to coolking’s window and yelled “Coolking! Come here! I have something” as he saw coolking come to the window. Badal held up his Pichu and grinned the same way coolking did in the morning! He saw coolking’s jaw drop and he walked away. Badal then went to Proffesor Leonardo’s house and showed him the Pichu! “Congratulations Badal! Though this is not really the “rare” pokemon I was talking about but it is rare nonetheless!
    Pichu, Charmander and Badal walked out of the Lab and had the same grin on their faces, the grin that said- Lets catch that rare pokemon!
    Last edited by Badal; 17th April 2010 at 02:25 PM.

  2. #2
    CAPS KidBeano's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Grand Awakening [The Beggining of an Unforgettable Journey] (Story 1)

    Pichu Auto-Captured for being awesome

    I'll have the Grade up sometime tomorrow.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: The Grand Awakening [The Beggining of an Unforgettable Journey] (Story 1)

    PLOT:

    I wouldn't really expect anything much more for a first story – it's a typical 'trainer looks for Pokémon, trainer finds Pokémon, trainer catches Pokémon', although you did continue it on to show people's reactions. I'm fine with the fact that you caught Pichu in the story, since you know that you don't actually get Pichu unless the Grader says so. However, the part after the battle seemed a bit like it was just filler. I suppose, in a way, it was a bit original, since it put a bit more background into Badal's personality with his speech, but it seemed quite randomly placed. It might just be me, but I thought that there could've been more explanation to them.

    INTRODUCTION:

    You gave us a brief introduction to the characters, but not much information on the setting. Where are Badal and Coolking? Do they live in the hustle and bustle of Goldenrod City, or are they in relaxing New Bark Town? Heck, are they even in the Johto region? Without any confirmation of the setting, they really could be anywhere. When writing a story, you want the audience to see the action roughly the same as how you see it, and most likely, my view of where they were was different to yours, which would be different to a third person's imagination.

    However, the characters were introduced well, so this section was okay in general.

    SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

    It was a bit iffy here. I think you have a bit of a basic understanding of some grammar rules, but quite a few were inconsistent.

    For example, you sometimes randomly capitalised words, like 'apple' and 'purple'. You only capitalise something if it's a name of a person or thing (Jack, Australia), a proper noun (I, Pokémon), or the beginning of a sentence (This is an example). Also, things to do with Pokémon, such as items or moves are considered proper nouns, so they get capitalised too (Potion, Sand-Attack, Pokeball). Technically, Coolking should've been capitalised every time, but since it was another person's username, I'm not too fussed.

    --

    Whenever a new person speaks, you start a new paragraph.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    It wasn’t just the need to catch the pokemon, it was just the speed of the pokemon! “Oh all the battles I can win with Pichu, I just can’t imagine”, he thought. Just then coolking appeared and asked “Where were you, I thought I lost you in these woods! I’ve had enough of this searching, I’m going home for breakfast, come back soon, its almost 11 AM”. Badal quietly pointed behind coolking and whispered- “Pichu”. Coolking in all his arrogance said, “Eh I don’t give a damn, my beldum is strong “ and walked away.
    becomes

    Quote Originally Posted by example
    It wasn’t just the need to catch the pokemon, it was just the speed of the pokemon! “Oh all the battles I can win with Pichu, I just can’t imagine”, he thought.

    Just then coolking appeared and asked “Where were you, I thought I lost you in these woods! I’ve had enough of this searching, I’m going home for breakfast, come back soon, its almost 11 AM”.

    Badal quietly pointed behind coolking and whispered- “Pichu”.

    Coolking in all his arrogance said, “Eh I don’t give a damn, my beldum is strong “ and walked away.
    --

    I think you know this, since you did it once – it just might be a typo the other two times – but I think I'll mention it. 'Its' is used for possession (It was its tail), whereas 'It's' is used for 'It is' and sometimes 'It has'. (It's great that I'm telling you this).

    --

    Generally, numbers 1-10 are written out instead of in numerical form. So, '7' and '2' become 'seven' and 'two'.

    --

    One final thing, it doesn't really look good to use smilies in a story, especially not in dialogue (since they would have to literally pronounce the smiley).

    Oh, and it's spelled 'beginning' ;)

    LENGTH:

    Characters are always counted with spaces, so you've actually written about 6.6k. Fine for a Simple mon.

    DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

    There was a little bit of basic description, such as the colour of Pichu and the way Badal had his hair styled, but there wasn't much more. This also ties in with what I said about introducing the setting – really describe where the characters are, so the reader can get a feel for things. It's great if you want to leave stuff for the reader's imagination, but you still need to give some sort of indication.

    Also remember to describe people and Pokémon. Coolking didn't get any description – even if you don't know what he looks like irl, just make it up. It IS a fictional story, after all. Also, his Beldum, and Badal's Charmander weren't described much. Pretend we're all thick and don't know what Pokémon look like – try to give us an idea of what they do. Charmander's a lizard, so mention that, and it stands on two feet; it's tail is also ignited at the tip. Mention an orange body with a tan belly, and you've got a rough idea.

    BATTLE:

    The length of this was good in respect to the length of the story. It took up about a third of the story, which is great. There wasn't really a huge range of moves used, though. The only attack Pichu used was Thunderbolt (which it actually doesn't learn naturally) and the only two Charmander used were Slash and Flamethrower. You could've incorporated status moves into it, as the effects that they can have don't have to be limited to what the game tells you they are. For example, Charmander could've used SmokeScreen to get up close to Pichu and use an attack at point-blank range. Creativity is a great thing to be able to include in battles.

    Also, it's just a suggestion, but I thought that the water being poured onto Pichu could've had an effect on Flamethrower. The heat would've caused the water to evaporate, meaning that it didn't actually take that much damage from the attack. That would've been a good thing to do, imo.

    OUTCOME:

    I'm quite on the border about this. The plot was fine, and there wasn't really anything majorly wrong with the battle. There was some description, and the characters were described. However, the grammar need a bit of bringing up to scratch, and there could be more description… I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and hope that you improve on your next story by taking things into consideration, and say Pichu Captured!. It was a bit borderline, though, so the next story you should work on improving grammar and description for the most part. Moves are a great source of detail.

  4. #4
    What the deuce? Badal's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Grand Awakening [The Beggining of an Unforgettable Journey] (Story 1)

    Yup thanks for all your time and effort and I will explain a certain things you took as mistakes in the AIM chat.. Otherwise, thank you.
    PICHU!!!

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