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  1. #1
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Grá

    The bulging muscles, the toned and carefully preserved body, the crude features all indicated that this was a Machamp. The bulging grey stomach indicated that this particular Machamp was a female Machamp and would soon be a mother. Her brutish arms were wrapped around the stomach in a nurturing manner, protecting him while she still could. Her slit for a mouth worked its way into a loving smile when she felt the baby kick. Her lo e numbed any pain she could feel.

    The clearing was not an ideal place for a vulnerable Pokemon to go; even one as tough as a Machamp. The parted tufts of grass acted as a makeshift bed for the Machamp to lie down on, while the surrounding bushes and vegetation acted as a form of privacy. However, this location was at the bottom of a sloping hill, a perfect vantage point for predators. But the Machamp had a strong love for tradition and went to her very own birthplace - her mother's birthplace, and even her mother's mother's birthplace to try and find a good location for the baby to grow up in.

    Searing hot pain shot through her as her first contraction came. The Machamp helf through to the name and did not wince at the pain. Several deep breaths later, she was ready again. Thoughts of her partner flitted through her mind but they were quickly dismantled.

    Little did she know that she was being watched - not by her husband, no. The first of the Mightyena had gotten through him already. These were the second pack. Six crouching black and grey shapes spied on the expecting Machamp. Their yellow eyes locked on their target as their mangey fur shot up; a survival instinct based on intimidation. Had they known this Machamp was no more than twenty minutes from giving birth, they may have waited and devoured the baby as a snack, but that did not bother them.

    Things were tough for all Pokemon here. Even the most cunning Pokemon like Mightyena were forced to rely on teamwork to get just about anything. They worked together to take previously-impossible predators like Machamp through careful analysis and waiting, not to mention their adapted ability to communicate with high frequency barks.

    The largest of the six wrinkled his nose a little. Instantly, the others' backs arched upwards and they prepared their descent. If they didn't get close enough to the muscled brute, she could get up and crush them, or so they thought.

    There was a split-second of darting shadows before the snarling hows, the gnashing fangs and the sharpened claws were upon her, ripping through her tough skin. Panicking, Machamp swung violently, managing to smack one of the brutish wolves in the face, knocking it straight down into the ground. This seemed to e
    rage the other's more and through a carefully co-ordinated routine, they had each pinned down an arm using their bodies as weights. The leader slashed at her exposed neck. Machamp may have stood a chance had she not been bombarded with a series of painful contractions. As her life slipped by, she disobeyed her mother and did the one unspoken law of Machamp - she allowed big fat tears slide down her blood-soaked body.

    It wasn't long into their feasting that the leader of the Mightyena barked commandingly. The others stopped and looked a little alarmed as they heard crying coming from inside the Machamp's spilling torso. One of the Mightyena, one with a flat face, snickered and made for the stomach, wanting to be the first to get at the baby Machop.

    The leader shoved him violently, yapping fiercely. The leader poked his head in curiously only to jump back suddenly. Inside, a scrawny grey Pokemon stared back, giggling after just bopping the Mightyena on the nose. It was smiling and giggling, completely oblivious to what was going on.

    The leader Mightyena snatched it up by the scruff of the neck and tossed it up onto his furry back. He glanced at their fallen member, the one who Machamp had smashed in the face earlier, and trudged onwards. The others huddled after him, curious but not daring to question the leader's authority.

    Mightyena couldn't quite understand it himself but he felt something inside of his gut - perhaps there was something rotten about the Machamp he devoured or perhaps it was even a pang of guilt. Either way he felt he had to spare this Machop and bring him back to their layer.

    The burning orb in the sky was nearly gone to be replaced by night time when the pack of five arrived by a large cliff-face. As they advanced, a large hole, that had previously been unnoticeable, was where they headed. They slipped in past the rough rock, moving in single file in order to fit through the cave.

    After a few minutes of travelling like this, the cave expanded, becoming a large cavern. Mightyena were all over this huge area - on the many parts or rock jutting out of the walls and the gaps in the walls. Some were even lying on pointed stalagmites for reasons unknown.

    The band passed several small Poochyena as they were playing with each other, occassionally nipping each other to prove which was the strongest. Mightyena could feel the Machop's stomach rumble and realised the poor thing must be famished. He couldn't get it food just yet though. There was something he had to do first.

    Their destination became apparent when a wisened old Mightyena turned to them expectantly. Its hair was grey and patchy and its right ear was missing.

    The leader of the pack pleaded his case to the elder Mightyena, who looked disdainfully at the small Fighting type. The elder did not approve at first but when he found out that the Machop's mother had slayed a member of the pack, he became agressive.

    The elder Mightyena's verdict was final and the Machop was forced to stay and be eaten by the elder himself or to get out and fend for himself. Mightyena fidgeted uncomfortably before making a decission. The Mightyena carried the Machop outside, and, for some reason kept walking.

    Head held high, the Mightyena noted her priorities and left the pack, his family, his life behind. And for what exactly?

    Pokemon: Machop
    Ranking: Simple; 5,000-10,000
    CC: 6,041

  2. #2
    the bug catcher pokémon Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Grá

    Claimed, although I don't know why. YOU ARE NEVER GRATEFUL FOR MY SERVICES.

  3. #3
    the bug catcher pokémon Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Grá

    I really should stop picking Simple-rank stories to grade. I'm getting bored. ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR STORY. I suppose it is not my fault, as I am just going with the Story List, but alas, it is the fate I must submit to.
    Introduction: Uh, yeah, I kinda had mixed reactions at first to the introduction of the story. It doesn't actually bring a conflict into the story, which is fine enough, but it doesn't exactly serve the plot either - we're simply sitting there as a Pokémon is introduced to us. A pregnant one at that. Whilst the pregnancy could serve as a conflict in itself, you don't actually use this theme much, but it could have made for a more interesting and an actual plot device. Unfortunately, the Machamp is brutally murdered soon enough, and I suppose since the Machamp has a husband, the pregnancy situation maybe couldn't have been played on a little more. I have to credit you for the seeming originality, however - I hadn't actually thought of a pregnant Pokémon before, and this was the first instance I'd read of one.

    Another thing to address is the lack of tension you build up - usually in a story, before anyone is about to give birth, there's generally a tension built up before the start of labour and even sometimes during labour, if the pregnancy is supposed to play a significant part in the story. I'm pretty sure that your tension-building is being inhibited by your sentence structure - I've noticed that you tend to go for longer sentences instead of shorter, more blunt ones which can perhaps convey tension and other emotions far better. Another technique to build up tension is simply repetition of a key point, but I'll let you decide on what you think you should do. All in all, your introduction was good, but could be improved in my opinion - concentrate on your build-up of tension and other basics (time, place, conflict).

    Plot: Uh, to be honest, I don't get the plot here - a pack of Mightyena kill a Machamp, but one of them is tender-hearted and keeps the child for no reason. They travel to this "elder Mightyena", who says that the Machop has to be eaten or go away... yeah, this doesn't make sense to me, unless I'm missing something. This isn't even a plot, to be honest - it's more of a set of random events thrown together to form a semblance of a tale, to be brutally honest. However, I must aid you in what I can, and clearly asking you to improve the plot would mean that you'd have to rewrite half of the thing, which would probably be an unnecessary effort - I'm aware that you write well when you can be bothered, but this story is truthfully rushed, and I'm sure you know this yourself.

    One of the main things in your stories that I found wrong were the issues with reality (even in the Pokémon world x]). Firstly is that... Machamp is pregnant. Even though it is a humanshape Pokémon, it's been proved that it lays eggs, and strictly speaking, you should abide by that - moving from pregnancy to egg wouldn't even require much of a change in the plot. You could have the Machamp die while protecting an egg, but I suppose that you can't help it right now. So yeah, technically, the Machamp would not be pregnant, as I'm half-sure that the only Pokémon that gives live birth is Mew, who seemingly gave birth to Mewtwo - it's also implied that Miltank gives live birth, although it lays eggs within the games like every other 'mon. Anyhoo, moving on.

    Regarding this: "Even the most cunning Pokemon like Mightyena were forced to rely on teamwork to get just about anything." May I remind you that Mightyena choose to go in packs anyhow? Look up the Pokédex entries, and you'll see what I'm talking about. Other than that, the Mightyena situation was actually excellent - you positively nailed that perfectly-coordinated attack in packs trait.

    Other than that, I have to remind you that stories need coherent plots. yespls.

    Grammar/spelling: BOMBSITE. I would systematically go through your story and correct it all, but you do know how to write properly anyway, you just maddeningly rushed this story.

    Her lo e numbed any pain she could feel.
    Yes, this makes... perfect sense. Did you mean to type 'love'? If you did, this makes quite a touching sentence, but then again, it's quite a nonsensical one at the moment.

    Their yellow eyes locked on their target as their mangey fur shot up; a survival instinct based on intimidation. | There was a split-second of darting shadows before the snarling hows | Mightyena fidgeted uncomfortably before making a decission.
    In boldface are some of your typos - mangy | ??? | decision. Please proofread your stories is all I will say.

    This seemed to e
    rage the other's more...
    Erage... e-rage? Random paragraph break, doesn't even make sense if you join the two together as I'm sure erage isn't a word. Also, an apostrophe and then an s ('s) does not denote a plural. plz note 4 futur plz

    Detail/description: Your description is kind of basic, and I think that you need to widen your vocabulary a good deal if you want to get a good atmosphere brought out. Plus, variety in words can avoid annoying repetition and stop people from getting mad at you. Anyway, your description is good enough for a Simple-rank, but I wouldn't recommend going for a higher Pokémon at this rate. You've given us some visual description, which is always a good thing, and it is a start. We need more - texture. How does said thing feel? Was the grass itchy on the bare back of the Machamp? Was the cavern surface rocky? How did the varied grounds feel under the paws of the Mightyena?

    A good thing to pay attention to is the mood you're trying to bring over - you're not conjuring very much emotion in the story when you're trying to write it, and an emotionless story is about as entertaining as a sock. Yeah, that. Also, as I said earlier, sentence structure is vital in carrying across description - you can have the longer, more descriptive sentences, but shorter sentences are more shocking and can grab a reader's attention better.

    Battle: There... uh... wasn't... one?

    Length: Yeah yeah, shut up.

    Outcome: Machop is captured. Instead of making a list of things I want you to improve, I'll make you read the entire grade. You're not getting off this lightly in the future, however. Be careful, and don't rush your stories, even if they are for Simple-rank 'mons, or anyone can poke holes in them, and you might not even get your 'mon.

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