Gold Fruit

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  1. #1
    Sometimes Quiet Joltik's Avatar
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    Default Gold Fruit

    Once upon a time, there was a witch. She lived all alone, in a small hut out side of the village. She was feared by the people of the village, and her only friends were the Erthys. The Erthys were old beings, as old as mother earth herself. The Erthys were powerful beings, but they could not influence the physical world. That was the one thing they wanted. The witch decided to help the Erthys, and started making vessels for the strange beings. The Erthys were able to take control of the vessels, and use them to interact with the world. They were overjoyed! But, this could not last. The Village soon saw the strange things that were going on at the witch’s hut, and -


    “Master! I’m bored!”


    I was jolted out of the book I was reading.


    “Chip,” I was just getting to the good part!”


    Chip looked at me. His orange fur was slightly brown, and I could tell that he had been playing in the dirt. At least it wasn’t like the time that he had made himself all black. The black marks that were on his fur were still seeable, and that was good. The most obvious part was the bib that he had, a cream colored peace of fluff that was stuck to his front. It was the same color as his bushy tail, and the small bit of fur that came from his head. He poked me with his little nose, and his blue eyes looked at me. He was the fire type know as Growlithe, but to me, he was Chip.


    “Just one stick!” He whet on, “You know I love to fetch them!”


    I looked around the grove that we had been in. There were cliffs behind me and the small road that lead back to the village. A few trees were scattered about, but they hung onto their branches, not willing to let the dog like Pokemon have any fun.


    “Out of all the partners I got,” I said, “I had to get the one that liked getting dirty and hated baths!”


    “But water is scary!” He barked “And it’s not my fault we were paired up!”


    I let my anger go. It really wasn’t his fault, he was a fire type and fetching things just came to him. I looked up at the sun, it was getting late. I stood up, and dusted the dirt off of my light green shirt and dark green jacket. My brown pants had gotten leafs stuck to them, and I brushed them off too. My sandals were a bit muddy too, which made me wonder why I even came up here. It was away from everything. That was why. I started down the rocky path that would lead use down to the village, Chip right at my heels. We were about to reach the village when a small voice reached my ears.


    “Kyle!” The voice belonged to my little sister, Emmy. I see a lot of me in her. Same green eyes, same black hair, same light skin, but I also see a lot of differences. She’s a girl for one, and she has a smile that just screams cuteness. That aside, I see that her own partner, a small white Pokemon, with two green leafs for hands, and orange eyes, a Cottonee.



    “What’s up?” I ask her. She doesn’t seek me out unless she really needs something. Given the look in her eyes, I figured that it must be something really big or important. I was hopping it was something like having Chip light a fire or get a ball from the cliff that she would accidently toss balls on to.


    “Come,” She said, as she lead us down a side path, that just scraped the side of the village. We pasted the back of old houses built with brick and wood. This was part of the oldest bit of town. A few lines of laundry hung from the houses, one side tried to a window, the other tried to a tree. We kept on going until we reached a house. I wondered why we didn’t just go through the village, but it would be crowded at this time of day, making our journey to the house harder. The house belongs to the Tams, whose son was a good friend of Emmy’s. We walked in, and headed up a few stairs. We were in a bedroom and Emmy’s friend, Zolar, was lying in the bed. He wasn’t looking so good.


    His partner, a small violet ball of gas, looked at me. Eyes full of worry looked at me. Midnight the Ghasty looked at us, also looking a bit sick.


    “What’s wrong with him?” I asked a little worried. Zolar looked sick and sickness scared me. I decided not to think about it, but I was tempted to run out the door. I pushed that thought away, Emmy’s friend was in trouble, and I should be helping.


    “He got sick,” Emmy said. I held back the urge to say no duh, but I waited. “What do you need me for? You know I don’t like sick people!”


    “I have a name you know!” Zolar said, using a raspy voice. I haven’t noticed how bad he really was. “I need a gold fruit,”


    “Can’t you buy one from Cliffburgh?” Cliffburgh was the town to the east of the village, and was known for their large trees and fruits.


    “They’re all sold out,” Zolar mumbled, “And I don’t know if I can make it till the next shipment comes,”


    “And why do you need me?” I asked “Sounds like a job for someone who is not Kyle,”


    “Well, you see there is one tree that has the gold fruit near here,” Zolar went on “And I need for you to get the fruit. It should not be too hard! I had Emmy mark it on the map”


    Emmy walked over to me holding a map.


    “Will you help us brother?” She asked, giving me her very best puppy eyes. She was like Chip that way, something that was hard to say no to.


    “Okay,” I said as I took the map. My sister gave me a hug smile and I showed the map to Chip. It was one of the Village and the surrounding areas. A red circle had been drawn, marking the location of the tree.


    “Okay, I’m off,” I said, “If were not back by sundown, send help,” With that we headed out. I looked closer at the map, it lead to a small cliff that was next to a river. We started walking to the mark.


    ~~~~~~


    I looked around the cliff. This was the place, it matched the map. The map was a little misleading as it didn’t show the large drop that was between the river and the cliff that were we on. I looked around the area some more, seeing trees, grass, and rocks. The trees were in a clump. Now we just had to find that tree. I walked over to the clump of trees, and started looking for the fruit. I spotted a tree with golden fruit hanging from it.


    “That’s it!” I said as I ran towards the tree. Then I heard crunching sound, and I looked down. A bone was under my foot. It looked like a leg bone. I looked around the bone and saw a whole skeleton attached to the leg bone.


    “Ahhh!” I yelled as I fell back from the tree. I hadn’t seen the skeleton when I was approaching the tree. I was distracted buy the golden fruit.


    “What’s wrong?” Chip barked at me. “It’s not even human, or Pokemon.”


    I looked closer at the skeleton, Chip was right. The skeleton was made out off wood for one, and it had a large spike emerging from the head. I wasn’t any kind of wood either. The bones seemed to have been made from branches that were torn from trees. The brown bark was flaking off in places, and white wood was showing through. Cobwebs had taken hold, and the legs were under a small about of dirt. The eyes were the weirdest part; they were clean, like time had never touched them.


    “Nothing,” I said “It’s just weird.”


    “Can we go now?” Chip said, “It’s getting dark!” I looked up, seeing that clouds had been forming above us, and a hazy fog had blown in.


    “That’s weird,” I mumbled “Fog doesn’t come in that fast. We’ll be going once I get the fru-“


    I was knocked back by a massive force. The air was tingling. The fog was still white, but strands of blue were starting to form, chanting started. The ground was moving, the wooden skeleton was moving! It stood up, its eyes, which were empty before, and glowing spheres of blue in them. It raised its hand; I stood in shock as it reached down into the ground and pulled a wicked sharp piece of wood out of the ground. I didn’t want to know how the wood had gotten that sharp.


    It looked at me and then done at its leg bone. The bone hadn’t been damaged by my foot at all. The thing didn’t seem to be happy to see me. Getting stepped on would tick me off too. It raised it’s sword at me and charged.
    .

    “Master!” I was knocked to the side by Chip, who had knocked me to the side. We scrambled to get up, and faced the wooden thing. The wood thing it was made out of wood. Wood was weak to fire, which was the element that Chip could use. The skeleton wasn’t good at stopping, or making sharp turns.


    “Chip, set it on fire or something!” I yelled at him. Chip jumped out of my lap and took a battle stance. He took a deep breath and blasted a large stream of flame towards the wooden skeleton. The skeleton didn’t react as the flame rushed towards him. It stopped its march as the flames him and engulfed him. I waited for to turn to ashes, but it didn’t. Chip stopped with this attack but the fire on the skeleton didn’t. The skeleton rose it’s now flaming sword, its eyes still an eerie blue.


    I got up and stared running chip right behind me.


    “Where’s the exit!” I yelled, the fog had become thick, and I could no longer see the path that we had came down. “That fire didn’t help!”


    “I was only doing what you told me to do!” Chip barked. He had a point. What to do! What to do!


    “I have an idea!” I yelled and it’s just crazy enough to work!”


    I picked up Chip, and whispered in his ear. He nodded, and I placed him on the ground. We ran towards the sound of the river. The flaming thing was getting closer to us. We had to time this just right. The rushing of the river was getting closer. I could see the edge of the cliff.


    “Now!” I yelled. I made a sharp turn to left, Chip made a turn to the right. The skeleton, which was going full speed, went strait off the cliff. I stopped running; the fog was going, almost like it was following the skeleton down the river. The blue stuff was already gone. I walked over to the cliff, and looked down, no sign of our wooden foe.


    “We did it!” Chip barked “Now we can get the fruit!”


    “Right,” I said “I had almost forgotten about that.” I walked over to the tree and grabbed a gold fruit off of a branch. “Let’s head back to the Village!”


    ~~~~~~



    We went back to Zolar’s house. It was dark by the time that we had arrived. I walked into the house, Chip at my heels. Emmy was waiting for us.


    “I was getting worried!” She said “Did you get the fruit?”


    “Yup,” I held up the gald fruit. “Is Zolar okay?”


    “He’s asleep,” She put out her and, wanting to take the fruit. I gave it too her. We headed upstairs. Zolar was asleep in his bed, and we walked over to him.


    “Zolar,” Emmy said “Wake up, Kyle got the fruit!” Zolar opened his eyes, and looked at us.

    “He did?” Zolar asked as he looked at us, and sat up.


    “Here,” Emmy said offering the golden fruit. “Eat it,” Zolar took the fruit and started munching on it. Soon it was all gone.


    “Thanks guys,” Zolar said as he lay back down. “I should be fine now, I owe you guys one,” With that he fell back to sleep. I looked at Emmy.


    “Let’s go,” Emmy said, “I’m ready to take a nap,”


    “You think that you need a nap?” I said “Wait until I tell you what I had to do to get the fruit!”



  2. #2
    Biznis Kitty Zolar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gold Fruit

    I think Emma gave me the okay to grade this. So I guess I'll claim it unless she tells me otherwise.
    @EmBreon;

    [22:18] [URPG Chat]: (commanderbadass1) How dare mell fuck his hoe every night

  3. #3
    Senile EmBreon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gold Fruit

    Yeah, sure. Outcome isn't valid until I approve it, yada yada.

    Be punctual this time, scrublet.

    urpg

  4. #4
    Biznis Kitty Zolar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gold Fruit

    Sorry this took as long as it did. Heh, school... @EmBreon; @Joltik;

    Introduction
    You started this out by describing an unwanted witch who was feared by the people in the village near of which she lives. Her only friends are these beings that can’t influence with physical things, so the witch makes them vessels. They were soon discovered and the villagers were angry, so on and so forth.

    Then we meet Chip and his master, Kyle. Immediately following this, Emmy, Kyle’s sister, asks him to help him cure her friend, Zolar. Wonder where you got that name, hmmm.

    Overall, good intro, I want to see how the witch and Erthys link into the story. You got me hooked. Hi5.

    Plot
    Boy gets sick and has friend go out and find him a magical gold fruit that will instantly cure him. Unique. Props for that Jolt. This is much more interesting than an average “Oh-I’m-starting-my-Pokemon-journey-found-a-wild-Pokemon-and-I-caught-it” sort of story and I enjoyed reading it. Another Hi5.

    Grammar
    You did a decent job here for the most part, just a few errors here and there, but nothing too major. I hope I’m not too harsh. :x Most corrections will be in [].

    “Chip,” I was just getting to the good part!”
    “Chip, I was just getting to the good part!”
    You added an extra quotation mark here.

    “Just one stick!” He whet on, “You know I love to fetch them!”
    “Just one stick!” He [went] on, “You know I love to fetch them!”
    You accidentally spelt “went” wrong.

    I looked up at the sun, it was getting late.
    For this one what you did was okay, but in my opinion, I would have put a semicolon.

    That aside, I see that her own partner, a small white Pokemon, with two green leafs for hands, and orange eyes, a Cottonee.
    Once again, I would use a semicolon or even a period here. So it would look something like this.
    That aside, I see that her own partner [;] a small [,] white Pokemon with two green leafs for hands and orange eyes. A Cottonee.
    I was hopping it was something like…
    You misspelled “hoping,” making this saying that he was jumping up and down for something.

    [quote]… or get a ball from the cliff that she would accidently toss balls on to. /[quote]
    [quote]…or get a ball from the cliff that she would [accidentally] toss balls on to.
    Later in the same sentence as your last error, you misspelled “accidentally”.

    “Come,” She said, as she lead us down a side path, that just scraped the side of the village.
    Lead should be led.

    His partner, a small violet ball of gas, looked at me. Eyes full of worry looked at me. Midnight the Ghasty looked at us, also looking a bit sick.
    A few things wrong here. First, the opening sentence is actually a fragment, but if you combine the first two sentences together you would be good. Second of all, Ghastly is spelt wrong.

    I held back the urge to say no duh, but I waited.
    I held back the urge to say [“no duh,”] but I waited.
    “I need a gold fruit,”
    “I need a gold fruit[.]”
    “And why do you need me?” I asked “Sounds like a job for someone who is not Kyle,”
    “And why do you need me?” I asked[.] “Sounds like a job for someone who is not, Kyle[.]”
    You forget to put a period after the speech verb in many of your sentences, not a big deal with a couple though.

    It looked at me and then done at its leg bone. The bone hadn’t been damaged by my foot at all.
    It looked at me and then [down] at its leg bone. [My foot hadn’t damaged the bone] at all.
    It sounds a lot more smooth if you say it like this.

    I was knocked to the side by Chip, who had knocked me to the side.
    You don’t need to say “knocked to the side” twice, just seems messy.

    I got up and stared running chip right behind me.
    I got up and [started] running[,] [C]hip right behind me.
    “I have an idea!” I yelled and it’s just crazy enough to work!”
    “I have an idea!” I yelled[,] [“]And it’s just crazy enough to work!”
    The skeleton, which was going full speed, went strait off the cliff.
    The skeleton, which was going full speed, went [straight] off the cliff.
    “Yup,” I held up the gald fruit. “Is Zolar okay?”
    “Yup,” I held up the [gold] fruit. “Is Zolar okay?”
    I gave it too her.
    I gave it [to] her.
    Watch those “to,” “too,” and “two’s,” my dear.

    Hi4 here.

    Detail
    You had a fair amount of detail in this story; perhaps it could have used a bit more. One thing I must say in this section is that you probably should have described Kyle a bit earlier. The reader is stuck with little information about the protagonist until his sister comes into play. Zolar wasn’t described much at all, was he? All you said that he was sick. What color hair did he have? How tall does he look? What color are his eyes? Is his hair long or short? What did the clothes he was wearing look like? These things are vital in making characters come to life and even though Zolar is sick, he seemed unimaginably plain, like one of the random people you see on the street, but don’t pay attention to the details.

    Growlithe was decently described; you had good use of color names when explaining to the reader what color furs it has. I liked how you added that because he was a Fire-Typed Pokemon, he is naturally afraid of water. Had someone who had never known what a Growlithe is, you would have explained this to them to give them a deeper understanding of the creature. One stone that was left unturned was, “How was this Pokemon able to talk?” Sure, Meowth does it in the anime, but why can Growlithe? Just a few more details here would have been excellent.

    Something else, add more detail to the landscape. It felt lifeless and dull to me due to the lack of detail. What does the village look like? Approximately how many people live there? With the little detail put into the background, it is a lot harder for the reader to picture it.

    Hi3 here.

    Climax
    “Going to get a Gold Fruit to save a sister’s friend, la de da. Jinkies! A skeleton!”

    The climax was simple enough, but still had an interesting background. The vessel that the witch built turns out to be a wooden skeleton that Erthys can use to interact with the physical world. Cool. Kyle and Chip are forced to battle the creature and little do they know that it isn’t going down as easy as they would think. Chip tries to burn it with limited to no effects and soon they just run. Kyle realizes that the skeleton runs as fast as possible, but can’t turn sharply. He uses the surroundings to his advantage and drives him off the cliff with a smart move.

    I feel that the whole battle scene seemed a bit rushed. It also seemed quite one sided. Perhaps an extra paragraph or two describing the struggles between the vessel and Kyle/Chip would have made a world of difference. In the end, the protagonist makes it out without a scratch on him, seems a bit cliché, don’t you think? A gash here, a cut there would have made the battle seem more intense than it was. All in all, it was a good climax and as the reader, I wouldn’t have expected a supernatural being using a wooden skeleton to be awaiting them at the tree. Hi5.

    Length

    Medium rank is 10,000-20,000 and you have just over 10,000. Good here. Hi5.

    Conclusion
    Well Jolt, it was a good read. I was intrigued by how the witch was going to tie into the rest of the story, and boy did I find out. You had a great hook and I immediately wanted to know more. I’m not going to lie, there are areas of improvement for you. Some of which could affect you in higher ranks of stories, but because this is a Medium ranked mon, I feel as if I can let most of these slide.

    You do have to improve upon the following areas though:
    -Detail of Landscape/People
    -Grammar and Spelling
    -Climax rushing

    Overall, I feel like this is something you should be proud of. The plot was unique and you tied together all loose ends. Hi5. Finally the part you have been waiting for. *drumroll*
    I’m going to have to say:


    Good job, Jolt, I hope to see more stories from you in the near future and enjoy Chip.

    [22:18] [URPG Chat]: (commanderbadass1) How dare mell fuck his hoe every night

  5. #5
    Senile EmBreon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gold Fruit

    Hm, well I suppose there's no harm in doing this in public.

    The Grade (Zolar)-

    Pretty decent. You did some good things towards the end, like provide specifics and give your opinions about the actual story. But, the first half was a bit irrelevant. All you did for both the Introduction and Plot sections was recap what the author already wrote. Doing this in a grade is fine if you are using it as a means to get your point across, or separate points as sectional progression, but simply typing out a summary and nothing else is the same as leaving the sections blank. She wrote the story, more than likely she knows what happened in it. :P Use the introduction section as a way convey how you felt it affected the rest of the story. Was it too short/rash? Did it make sense? Was there a hook? Was it used effectively? Was there one at all?

    As for the plot section, this is probably the most influential space of your entire grade. Of all the areas, the plot weighs the most. The plot ultimately decides whether the story passes or fails, unless all the other sections combined were weak enough to pull the capture down. Advice here may be the most subjective, but it is also the most important. How did you feel about the story? Opinion and feedback is an incredibly large factor in growth. Tell the author what you liked and disliked - simple as that. Did it read smoothly? Was it creative? Was there a twist? Tell them what you felt they did well, as well as tell them what you thought could have made the story better.

    Your grammar section was indeed a little critical. It's good to see you have the knowledge to spot mistakes, but at the same time, don't nitpick things that you know the author already knows were errors. You mention yourself a few times that she accidentally misspelled a word, so if you know it is an accident, you don't need to correct it. This section is to correct mistakes that the author doesn't realize they are making. Graders improve grammatical error by addressing constant and reoccurring issues. If things like comma usage and dialogue punctuation are constantly being used improperly, address them here. If there are a lot of typos and misspellings, feel free to mention that the story needs a stronger proofread, but long blocks of nitpicking is not constructive and just makes your job a lot harder than it needs to be.

    Also, I should mention this:
    Quote Originally Posted by Zolar View Post

    I looked up at the sun, it was getting late.
    For this one what you did was okay, but in my opinion, I would have put a semicolon.

    That aside, I see that her own partner, a small white Pokemon, with two green leafs for hands, and orange eyes, a Cottonee.
    Once again, I would use a semicolon or even a period here. So it would look something like this.
    That aside, I see that her own partner [;] a small [,] white Pokemon with two green leafs for hands and orange eyes. A Cottonee.
    ...is actually not correct. The first correction requires a semicolon, the second correction does not. A semicolon is required between two related independent clauses. Your second correction was originally fine as it was in the first place. If anything, it could use a simple colon, but you've separated two fragments there.


    The rest of your grade is pretty solid, but I'm kind of on the fence about it. I don't think this should be a full pass yet, but at the same time, I don't see a realistic way for you to improve your method other than getting experience. So I'm going to do something really weird and give you a temporary Grader license good for three grades. You can go ahead and make a log and add this grade to it. After three grades, I'll reevaluate and switch you to full Grader if you've shown good improvement. Semi-congrats AND I'LL BE WATCHING.


    The Story (Joltik)-

    I do agree with a lot of Zolar's grade, but I personally believe it's a bit more borderline than what was portrayed. There were indeed a lot of grammar errors: many typos, punctuation inconsistencies, and (not stylistic) fragmented writing - and I think a lot of these could have been eliminated with some solid proofreading (as I've mentioned earlier). While not entirely a big deal, there were enough of them to weigh on your outcome. Your plot was good for this rank, but the story itself was heavy in dialogue. Dialogue is a great tool to create character and personality, but too much of it leaves your story reading like a script. Mediate your events between setting and progression. Give your reader downtime to absorb your world. Speech should be an accent, not your foundation.

    In the end though, I'll lean to give you your Pokemon. While it was a bit borderline for me, you should get a break for letting us use your story for this little experiment. I probably would have pushed this towards the capture had I been the original grader on it anyway. :P So Growlithe captured, yes. Enjoy your mon, and good luck with future stories. ;3

    urpg

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