A Glittering Approval (The First Nathan Castle Adventure (Ready for Grading))
Pokemon Being Caught: Murkrow
The streets of Jubilife, eternally lit by the bustling crowds of people lining it's streets, did not notice the man that jumped across it and landed perfectly on the window ledge. He saw the sign below him. Jubilife City Museum. The building was full of priceless treasures but this man only wanted one. He slipped in through the window and onwards towards his treasure.
He walked through the doors, a number having been typed into the keypad. From his arm a mighty figure swooped down and grabbed the prize.
SMASH! Above him the window smashed. Why had it done that. Stupid beast! He ran, jumping out of the window and onto its waiting back as they flew back across Jubilife City.
As a trainer walking the streets of Jubilife City I was in turmoil over my quest. There were so many options, to become a Trainer, battling Gyms and challenging the Elite Four, or a Coordinator, getting ribbons and competing in the Grand Festival. I could do anything. But that was before I had met Nathan Castle. I was walking through the streets, guide book in my hand, searching for the Poketch Company Offices, when I was knocked over by a man darting through the crowds. I gathered my affairs and looked up, searching for the man. All I saw was a head topped by a quiff of black hair rushing along the way. I ran after him, angry at his affront to me, and dodged and weaved through the crowds on the search for the man. I caught a glimpse of him momentarily dodging out of the crowd and into an alleyway. He was lanky, stern, and wearing a navy trench coat. I darted out of the mass of people and headed towards the alley. The man was looking down at the ground, examining something with an instrument.
"Excuse me," I interjected.
"No traces of Plasma release, so no Pokémon could have been involved," he hadn't noticed me and continued to murmur.
"Excuse Me," I repeated, still trying to attract his attention.
"But the thief entered through a high up window, so someone must have opened it.
"EXCUSE ME!" I shouted.
"That's it! The security guard let the man in! What?" Finally noticing me, he turned around and looked at me. I finally saw his face. It was not creased yet, he was still quite young, but lines were already showing on his face, as if great thought had passed on his face. His appearance was gaunt and serious, ready to leap in at any moment, it seemed
"Who are you?" I asked, wondering what all of his babble had meant.
"That is not the question, who are you, who chases someone that knocked you over in a crowd, a common daily event?" He paused for a moment, pacing up and down for a moment.
"You're clearly a trainer, judging by the rucksack on your back, the mud lining your trouser legs, come from not far away it seems, the size of your rucksack is nowhere near large enough for the provisions for you to have come from Floraroma or Canalave, so you’re probably from Sandgem or Oreburgh, the latter being less likely as there's no rock dust on your legs from Mount Coronet, but your stooping, and your rucksack is nearly empty, so you are tired and haven't rested. You can't be tired from a trip from Sandgem so you must have come from a further away town, probably Twinleaf, stocked up at Sandgem but carried on, and are here on your first day, judging by the fact that you were so surprised by the commonplace occurrence of someone knocking you over." He looked at me, no sign of a smile or jest on his face.
"I'm Nathan Castle. Follow me," He commanded. I trailed him, stunned at what he had said. It was all correct. Once again we were ducking and weaving through the crowds seemingly on a race. Castle raced down alleyways and shot through side streets. Eventually I caught up with the detective in front of a grand building, adorned with a huge sign. "Jubilife City Museum" I looked in my guide book, having noticed the name in the pages of the leaflet previously.
"Jubilife City Museum," Castle announced, interrupting my thought. "Home to more than seventeen thousand artefacts from Sinnoh and beyond, considered the third most prestigious Museum in the region. Tomorrow night it is supposed to unveil a ring supposedly capable of summoning legendary Pokemon to the wearer's need. It's been stolen and we're here to solve this case,"
"We?" I asked, confused.
"You're have clearly followed me, therefore you clearly have nothing better to do than help me," I felt insulted at his assumption, but I realised that he was right, I wanted to follow him. He pushed the swivel door, swinging the entrance open and stepping into the Museum. I followed, trailing Castle as he leapt up flights of steps with unlimited energy. By the time that I reached the top of the steps panting and heaving my way up the last few flights Castle was pacing round the room. It was a marble vault, circled with pillars, and in the middle stood a marble plinth, standing empty. Around the plinth stood a herd of inspectors, pacing around, looking for clues.
"Give me a brief," Nathan Castle asked.
"The break in was discovered at three this morning, our men found the blast proof doors broken and a hole in the ceiling. No plasma traces and 20 grams of glass on the floor. Give us what you have,"
I was leaning against the wall, staring at the floor, waiting for an assumption. Castle stopped stalking around the room and gave a cry.
"Of course!" He exclaimed.
"What, have you found something?" One of the inspectors asked.
"I have many parts of the puzzle so far," my newfound companion replied."The thief clearly didn't steal this himself; he wouldn't be able to walk across the floor without leaving prints and possibly activating the alarms."
"My men deduced that the man must have entered from above and stolen it from there. There's even a hole in-" The inspector interrupted but Castle silenced him.
"He can't have entered from here. You can also see through the hole in the ceiling that it was made from the inside. Look at the glass on the floor, if he had broken in from the top then there would be more glass. Which raises a point, what sort of a thief brakes through a window and neither exits the way he enters or cuts a hole through the ceiling?"
The men all looked perplexed. I too had no idea what he was talking about.
"A Pokémon, isn't it obvious?" He said. The room looked at him, blank.
"But there were no Plasma traces," The inspector countered.
"The Pokémon can't have belonged to someone, it was tamed rather than captured. But how-?" He stood pausing mid thought. Everyone looked in, waiting for him to continue. Suddenly he broke into action and started running back down the steps.
"Inspector, you're looking for a Murkrow!" He shouted down the marble stairwell.
We were riding a cab, stuck in the traffic of Jubilife. All around us people were driving past, stuck in the circle of their daily lives. I used to be one of them. Now I had Nathan Castle.
"How did you figure out what Pokémon it was?" I asked him.
"The Pokemon that we were looking for would have to be able to navigate through the system of lasers, therefore see them, which limits us down to a collection of around thirty four Pokemon. The Pokémon would have to float or fly which takes us down to fourteen. The Moon was full last night, that ring must have been glittering,"
"And therefore the Murkrow family, well known for their love of glittering objects," I finished for him. "But why not Honchcrow?"
"The hole in the ceiling was far too small for a Honchcrow to make. Only a Murkrow could have made it," He replied.
"Where are we going?" I asked. Before he could answer a dark figure swooped down from the skies and plummeted down, pulling sharply out of its dive by the pavement. A woman yelped as the Flying Pokémon grabbed something out of her hands and flew off. Both of us recognised the Pokémon as a Murkrow. Castle had already leapt out of the cab and I followed him, hastily thrusting some coins into the driver's hands. The Murkrow was already halfway down the street and no matter how fast my companion ran he could not get near to it. I suddenly remembered my Pokémon.
"Chimchar, chase that Murkrow!" I shouted as I threw the Poke Ball containing my Starter. Chimchar rolled itself into a ball of flame and followed our thief, bouncing over cars and running along ledges on its pursuit. I kept on running, determined to catch the quarry.
We were running down an alleyway when Chimchar rejoined us. He was grinning happily as he approached us. He led us more than a mile across the city, through streets and alleyways, over rivers, through parks, and eventually to our destination. We were in a small clump of trees, the meander of a river carelessly flowing around us. Chimchar skilfully leapt up the centre tree and climbed up the branches to a nest at the top. With unexpected agility Castle raced after him, finding handholds in the most unlikely places. I observed as he came up to the branch with the nest resting on it. He edged along the branch, not noticing as it bent under his weight.
SNAP! The branch tumbled to the ground below, taking Castle and Chimchar with it. I caught my Pokémon in my arms and my new companion crashed onto the ground. Without a break he scrambled up and started ransacking the nest, looking for the ring I assumed. Each object that he found he held up a strange instrument to before carrying on I joined him in rummaging through the contents of the nest. We found nothing, only glass gems, a pocket watch, and a few coins. However my partner got up and started pacing around in the position that I knew meant that he had new information.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"These objects, they're all have a greater reflective index than the ring," He replied, excited.
"A greater what?" I asked, perplexed at his terminology.
"They're all shinier than the ring," He stated, a touch of annoyance in his voice.
"And..." I asked.
"Isn't it obvious? Clearly the thief has had this Murkrow take the objects and then exchanged them with a shinier object, after all, the Honchcrow doesn't care how much something's worth, just how much it sparkles.
"Then how do we find the thief?" I asked.
The Sun was falling in the sky, the streets of Jubilife City preparing for the noise and bustle to come. Shops closed for the night and bars and night clubs opened; all part of the vital lifeblood of the city. A figure appeared, silhouetted by the Sun, flying towards us. It passed over the meander and squawked in surprise as it found its nest scattered on the ground below. From inside the bushes Castle and I observed as the Murkrow flew up into the sky and away. Out of the bushes a wheel of flame shot as Chimchar started chasing its quarry. Castle and I broke our cover and ran out of the clump of trees, jumping over a meander and sprinting towards the road. Hailing a taxi, I shivered in the cold air as my companion watched the two Pokemon chasing each other. A cab slowed down and we climbed in.
"Follow those Pokemon," Castle said, the cliché falling from his lips. The taxi sped away, taking full advantage of the quite before the storm of Jubilife's hidden life and trailing Chimchar. They passed through high streets and back streets, over bridges, under archways, and eventually to the dull monotonous blocks of flats that were the outskirts of Jubilife. We watched as Murkrow flew in through a window and Chimchar came to a halt outside the building. I paid the extortionate taxi fee and followed Castle out of the cab and towards the block of flats.
"How do we get in?" I asked.
"Our thief is out," Castle replied. "If he had been in then the Murkrow could have just flown in through the window. Instead he had to smash it,"
"That doesn't help us,"
"The woman in the flat above is new, look, her tag is only temporary. She won't know who she is, all we have to do is come say we locked ourselves out and need her to let us in,"
The flat was a mess, strewn about with papers, mugs and clothes. Castle examined these items as I looked for Murkrow.
"The thief's about twenty seven, short and with a brown hair," He deduced. Even after spending a day with him I was still startled by his snappy decisions. I heard a great crash from behind a door. I listened carefully and heard bottles smashing to the floor in the commotion.
"Murkrow's in the bathroom," I said to Castle. He looked up from his investigating.
"Good, let's go, I have everything that I need," He replied.
PING! The lift came to a stop at the bottom floor of the block of flats. Outside it stood a man. He was about four foot ten, and looked young. His head was topped by a brown quiff. I tensed as I recognised the man as the thief but followed Castle out of the lift as he greeted us. We walked down the street at a fast pace.
"Why didn't we stop him there?" I asked.
"We have no evidence; he's been selling the objects immediately to a buyer straight after stealing them. We would gain nothing," He replied.
"So what now?" I asked.
"Again, we wait,"
Unlike last time we only had to wait for a short time. We watched as Murkrow burst out of the window, on his back was a small figure. They flew over buildings and over the city on what we hoped to be their last crime. This time there was no need to chase. Judging from their last crime spree and the leaflets in the thief's room he was sure to go to the Natural History Museum, my friend had assured me. All we had to do was cab over there and observe him as he committed his crime.
It was approaching midnight as we departed the cab and sat down outside the museum. The building looked like it had been ripped out of the Classical world, lined with a marble facade topped with panels depicting ancient scenes. I shivered in the cold air and Castle looked on.
"Here he comes," He announced. High in the sky, barely visible despite the light from the now bustling Jubilife, Murkrow was flying, slowly descending. He approached the Museum and from his back the thief dropped onto the building, clothed in black. He climbed onto the uncharacteristic glass dome that topped the Museum, holding an instrument. A bright light issued from the object and penetrated the glass. His cutting complete, he skilfully caught the falling slab and placed it carefully on the roof. The black figure darted down from the sky and through the window into the Museum. Soon it came out, a crystal orb in its claws. The man handed his partner in crime an object visibly shiny to the bird and caught the orb as it dropped from its claws and rolled on the roof.
"Now's our chance!" I hissed at Castle. "Get it now and we catch them red handed,"
"No, not yet," Castle replied murmuring gently. "He's been selling them all on to a buyer, and my contract is to retrieve the ring, not catch the thief. All we need to do is follow him,"
"How are we going to do that?" I asked
And we ran, dodging cars, over railings, across Jubilife. I had never felt so alive in my life, rushing through a city which had once seemed so dull. Occasionally they flew above us, sometimes we caught sight of them at a distance, and all I knew was the chase.
We finally stopped in an alleyway, barely wide enough for Murkrow's wingspan. We saw the thief, Murkrow resting on his shoulder, speaking in a quiet murmur with another, much taller and lankier man. In the thief's hands rested the crystal orb, in the taller man’s a briefcase. We crouched down behind a pair of bins.
"What do we do?" I hissed.
"Well, if we attack them they can just fly off on Murkrow, and if we target Murkrow then they can run away," He replied, also in a whisper
"Then what's the plan?" He crouched, eyes glazed over. I waited, thinking myself about what he would decide to do. The wait was irritating and I took matters into my own hands. I stood up and threw two Poke Balls into the air.
"Seedot, block off the alleyway, Chimchar, use Flame Wheel on Murkrow!" I shouted. My Seedot released itself and stood at the end of the alleyway, looking menacing despite its size. Meanwhile the disc of flame slammed into Murkrow and sent the Bird Pokémon flying, dropping its new treasure. The lanky man cowered by the wall of the alley, trying to move only to be frozen in place by Seedot's Tri Attack. Murkrow flew up and launched a Dark Pulse, only to be countered by a jet of flame from Chimchar, scorching the alleyway. The Big Boss Pokemon, ignoring orders from its adopted trainer, tried to escape up the sides of the alleyway. At my command Chimchar twirled in the air and perfectly executed an Acrobatics attack. The Flying type fell to the ground and Chimchar landed next to it.
"Go Poke Ball!" I shouted, throwing the red and white sphere at my opponent.
Bleep...Bleep...Bleep.....PING! Murkrow was caught. Suddenly Castle stood up from his cover.
"You are both under arrest under the charge of theft and black market selling!" He announced. The two men, shocked, looked at me for confirmation.
"Don't worry Nathan. These two are mine,"
The Jubilife City Museum was full of guests and journalists from all over Sinnoh gathered for the unveiling of the ring, which, to much disappointment, had not displayed any magical powers. Our way out of the building was harassed by reporters, wanting to know about the fiasco of the stolen treasures, despite the Museum's attempts to keep the story quiet.
"Don't worry about it," Castle assured them. "Just remember the name of Nathan Castle; it might save your life, or kill you," With that we both forced our way out.
"So you live here?" I asked as we entered the flat.
"Yes, 22b Cook Street. It's a bit messy but I'm sure that you'll get used to it," He replied. What I saw was more than a mess, it was a bomb site. I knew that tomorrow morning I would need to sort this out.
"You like it messy don't you?" I asked.
"It doesn't concern my job so should it matter?" He asked.
"Yes, its a tip!" I replied. We both laughed savouring the moment.
"I hadn't prepared for the occurrence of a companion so I'm afraid that for now you'll have to sleep on the couch," he said. pointing at a lump in the pile of clothes and paper. I got to work, folding or just shoving off this layer of messiness from the coach. Suddenly the phone rang. I picked it up
"Nathan Castle's residence," I said
"Mr. Castle come quickly, there's been a murder in Jubilife, we're at Berryfield Street. Come Quickly," I put the phone dead.
"What's wrong?" Castle asked.
"We've got a murder on our hands," I announced. With that we walked out the door, into a new life
Re: A Glittering Approval (The First Nathan Castle Adventure (Ready for Grading))
For a Honchkrow, it is recommended to have a 30K - 40K story. Yours is half of the minimum requirement, which severely hurts your chances of a successful capture.
A Murkrow, its pre-evolution, requires 10K - 20K, so your story is at a perfect length for it.
If you still wish for me to grade your story as a Honchkrow capture, message me. If you wish to change your capture to something that fits the character requirements, message me for a grade when you're ready.
Re: A Glittering Approval (The First Nathan Castle Adventure (Ready for Grading))
Introduction: Oh my, it starts off with a robbery! So thrilling! I’m a fan of the introductions that lets the reader know what’s going, but the main character has no idea what happened. It gives one the sense of “I know something you don’t know” feeling. On the other hand, the audience still doesn’t know who this character in the introduction is, giving is something to look forward to.
I would like to point out that all we know about the setting is that: it’s Jubilife City and that it’s around late evening, just before people decide to retire to their homes. Beyond that, we know nothing about where the story takes place. You have to remember that not everybody that reads Pokémon stories have played the games or watched the anime. If someone has never played. Diamond, Pearl, or Platinum, how will they know what Jubilife City looks like? There’s also the possibility that your own Jubilife City might differ from that canon one. As for places of your creation, like the museum, description is vital, especially since the museum will be the setting for the story again.
So in short, what you want to do in an introduction is establish the setting. You already have the name down, now you just need to flesh it out so readers can visualize it throughout the entire story because otherwise, the story won’t have the impact you want. The city is a point in your plot, after all, and you need all the points of the plots to work. With characters, you have the same concept, but since the character in the introduction is meant to be a mystery, lack of description is okay.
Plot: Oh, mysteries, how I love them so. All in all, the plot was pretty interesting. As for the pacing, well, let me tell you exactly how that made the plot fall short of what you were going for.
Once again, the plot was nice. It had all the elements I was looking for: protagonist, antagonist, a problem, a climax, and all that good stuff. However, everything felt like one, big summary of a much larger story. For one, many things felt as though they were quickly resolved. For instance, it doesn’t take long for Nathan to deduce that it was a bird that broke into the museum and what species it was. The encounters with Murkrow and the thief also seemed rushed. Such encounters are considered the highlights of the story. The reader’s been following along to find out who this mysterious thief in the beginning really is, so for the encounter to be so short, it feels disappointing. Since the initial encounter of the thief was disappointing, the capture has the same effect because we hardly got to know the thief at all.
The thing about this plot is that it’s actually quite elaborate for a Medium Pokémon (which I understand; it was meant to be for a Complex Pokémon - Honchkrow). Since this plot is so elaborate, there are many events happening, and you need to flesh them out in order for the story to be told. If not, you’re going to be stuck with a story that reads more like a summary. Plots with many events can be great if you take the time to give each event the attention it deserves. If you end up with a longer story than you anticipated, you can always add on more Pokémon to capture. If you do not want to spend so much time on a story, there’s always the option of cutting down the events and focusing on only on what’s the most important.
So for a plot, you want each important event to make an impact. If you don’t take the time to do that, the result will be boring and rushed, no matter how exciting the plot might have been.
Characters: There weren’t many, so we’ll focus on the protagonist:
Trainer: He’s pretty quick to join up with a guy he doesn’t know, especially a guy who seems somewhat rude and frank. We never find out exactly why he’s following Nathan around. He trainer also seems undecided about what he wants to do as a trainer, so I suspect he would have more pressing matters to attend to than a robbery. Or maybe he’s taking this as a time to forget those worries. Unfortunately, we never know why he’s doing this with Nathan.
Nathan Castle: The know-it-all of the story and the one who gets the plot rolling. Just like the trainer, we don’t anything about him except for the fact that he’s a detective. Seems he seems to solve each set of clues quickly, we can blame the story being rushed on him. Nathan comes off as rather emotionless and someone who doesn’t seem to socialize. I don’t know what to make of him.
Grammar/Spelling: Right off the bat, I can tell you that the spacing makes the story somewhat hard to read. A rule of thumb is to start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks and when you introduce a new idea. The story will be spaced much more evenly, and it will easier on the eyes. If, after spacing, you end up with one-liners or paragraphs of two sentences, that’s a hint that you might want to flesh out some scenes.
When it comes to grammar and spelling mistakes, any mistakes I might have seen were typos. Make sure you proofread your story at least twice before posting it up for a grade. It helps to finish the story and then come back around a day later to read it again; when you read something nonstop, it all blurs, and you’ll likely skip over any mistakes there might be.
I wanted to point out that all numbers below 100 are written out, unless they’re part of a phone number or an address.
A man riding on a Murkrow? I’m pretty sure that’s not possible when you take into account Murkrow’s size. I know this can be explained by the fact that Honchkrow was your intended capture first, but when you change targets, you have to go back to your story and wheedle out anything you need to change accordingly.
Length: Character-wise, you’re good to go for a Medium Pokémon like Murkrow. Story-wise, I already said that all of it seemed rushed.
Description/Detail: This is the second culprit as to why your story is rushed. I already explained how essential description is in an introduction, and the same holds true for the rest of the story. Places such as the flats and the forest need to be describe in order to set a new scene and transition the story easily from one event to another. Important characters such as the trainer and Nathan should also be taken the time to be described. I’m not only talking about their physical appearances but their personality and history as well. We cannot connect with a character that is a total stranger to us.
Remember when I said not everybody watches the anime and plays the games? That means not everybody may be familiar with how a Chimchar and a Murkrow looks. All Pokémon should be described somewhat, the level of description depending on how big their role is. Since Chimchar is the protagonist’s Pokémon and the Murkrow your intended capture, both should be described more.
Battle: Around a paragraph, which isn’t that much for a Medium Pokémon. No battle is required for a capture, but the battle here serves as the climax of your story, the point where everything takes place just before the main problem is resolved. Since the battle is so important, you need to take the time and flesh them out.
Outcome: So I’m going to say, Murkrow captured! The story had a number of flaws, but it was interesting and did the trick. Your biggest flaw is plot, so work on fleshing out your ideas. Take your time. Make it the best you can be. Also apply new spacing to your stories, spacing that makes reading easier.