Glaceon Gang (Ready for Grading)

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  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Glaceon Gang (Ready for Grading)

    Feel free to comment!

    Pokemon being captured: Sneasel
    Suggested Length: 20k - 30k
    Actual Length: 22, 916

    Hi. I’m Lex, a Sneasel living in Mount Oktori. And it sure is hell down here.
    Pokémon all say you were meant to be captured, especially a certain group around here. But I say otherwise.
    It all started one day.
    “Hey, Lex! I’m going to go Egg Raiding today. Want to go with me?” My buddy, Alex, asked me.
    He’s a Sneasel, like me. You know, sharp claws, longer left ear than females, stuff like that. We were living the good life: Stealing the stupid Delibird’s eggs, snowboarding on pieces of carved wood... it was the life. Until that day.
    We trekked up the mountain to our usual location: The Delibird Flock Nesting Area. I swear, there must be a million or something birds there. All those white and red birds, dragging their sacks full of whatever they stole from trainers. And they think we shouldn’t steal from them? I hear they make tales that they actually SHARE these whatever in that bag with trainers. I don’t think birds which boast about the trainer they robbed are the kind to give trainers food.
    We reached the nesting ground and walked through the whole place, looking for a nest with extra-nice fat eggs. Sure, some Delibirds think they can stop us, but a slash to the face stops them easily. Besides, there are always many Sneasels raiding the nest at the same time, so all of them too distracted to work together to stop us- or at least, there WAS always many Sneasels.
    Me and Alex reached a nest with huge, juicy, succulent eggs. The Delibird in the nest attacked us by throwing object in its bag at us. Pitiful, simply pitiful. As my partner roughed up the Delibird with a few successful Fury Swipes, I reached for the eggs, only to be stopped by a booming voice behind me.
    “STOP!”
    I turned to see a Glaceon, staring daggers at me. My friend Alex sees her too, and he started laughing, and literally fell on the floor, gripping his stomach.
    “And what can YOU do? You are one army. One against two! Guess who wins? And anyway, we are much stronger than you!” Alex said to the Glaceon, and an unpleasant scowl appeared on her head. She stepped back and a sort of ball made of light started to form on her head, and it got bigger, and bigger. She looked at the laughing Alex, and I gave him a nudge.
    “Alex, stop laughing. Look at what she’s doing.” I said hurriedly. Alex stood up, only to be hit in the face by a beam.
    “It BURNS! It- it burns!” Alex screamed and gripped his face. I looked in shock as my buddy rolled in agony. I urged him to calm down, but he still continued howling.
    “That, my friend, was a Signal Beam. You see, I am not a normal Glaceon. We Glaceon are here to make sure there are plentiful Pokémon, and all of these Pokémon get captured by a human at some point.” That Glaceon said, a twisted smile on its face. I looked at her as my buddy sobbed on the floor.
    “We?” I said, glaring at the Glaceon with my sharp eyes. The Glaceon smirked, and it did something similar to a wolf’s cry. I stared as figures approached, all in a dog-like position. As all came closer I could see all of them were Glaceon. I gasped as all of them started to perform this ‘Signal Beam’ move.
    “Cooperate, because there is a lot more where that came from. We are Mount Oktori’s new rulers, and you will follow our rules... or pay the price,” The original Glaceon laughed manically, and the Delibirds soon started laughing too. She stopped and turned to them. “That goes for you too, you weak, flightless birds! Though, you probably won’t be captured due to your uselessness. All of you are the lower species. Taking over your little mountain will be a pushover.”

    *

    Today is now simply a week after that day, and sure enough, Glaceons rule the mountains. They patrol the area, up and down, making sure no one’s making any trouble. The thing that really gives them this position is the fact that they seem to know every single move, and they know all our weaknesses. Even Alex, who used to be the strong one, now cowers in fear at the sight of them. I blame the experience with Signal Beam.
    “It’s horrible. Really, it is.” Alex said to me, after I asked it how bad it hurt.
    “As bad as the time a Growlithe hit us with a Flamethrower?” I said, and Alex nodded. I was taken aback. Getting hit in the back with a Flamethrower was damn painful, and back hurt when someone just touched it for days on end.
    I sat on the ground, thinking of a way to overpower those Glaceons. No, we can’t overthrow them. It’s too hard.
    Then, I hit a question, and a very good one. Why did those Glaceons want to rule just to get us captured? They don’t take extra food. In fact, I don’t think they eat at all, I spied on the one patrolling around my cave by keeping an eye on him high up a peak and he didn’t do anything but patrol for two days on end, and I ended up falling asleep. They don’t have fun. They don’t have anything to gain from doing this!
    I sat up and started to ponder on the true intention of the Glaceons. Walking around my cave, I tried to list all possibilities of why they wanted to conquer us but nothing came up. Suddenly, I was disturbed from my fruitless train of though by a voice. A Glaceon’s voice.
    “You two Sneasels. Come with me. I want no trouble, no questions, no nothing. Just come with me.” The Glaceon said. Alex obeyed immediately, following the Glaceon and trembling at his feet too. I followed, not wanting to risk getting hit by that Signal Beam move.
    I wanted to ask the Glaceon the thing on my mind, but he simply shot me a warning look and I shut up immediately. The Glaceon led us to a small tunnel in a rock, which could bare fit us. At the other side was a route where trainers like to take through their visit to Mount Oktori. I looked at Alex and he looked back at me.
    We were going into a Pokémon battle.
    “One of you will go out there and battle a trainer that’s coming soon. You. Hit me with a Fury Swipe.”
    The Glaceon commanded me to do something I deemed impossible for him to say. I wondered if this was a trick. But I obeyed anyway, enjoying the feel of slashing up the Pokémon I hated. Another swipe, another swipe.
    I panted and looked at the Glaceon. My eyes widened when I realized there wasn’t even a scratch on it. He turned to Alex and ordered him to do the same. Alex squeaked and simply stood rooted to the spot like a statue.
    “The weaker one has been spotted, and the weaker one shall be battled. Make sure if he attempts to catch you, you do not resist, or I will come looking for blood.” The Glaceon told Alex, and I gasped. I tried to oppose the Glaceon but Alex shook his head, signaling for me to stop.
    “I don’t want you to get hurt for my sake.” Alex whimpered, and the Glaceon laughed, making me simply disgusted.
    “Oh, how SWEET. Too bad I have to break up this friendship, huh? Well, life’s unfair. Get used to it!” The Glaceon yelled, and he looked at Alex with a menacing look. Alex got the message and got out of the tunnel, to the route, where voices started to drift by.
    “If you want to see your friend go, boy, you cans stay here. But don’t try anything funny. Remember, and remember always: We are watching you.” The Glaceon said, and he left the tunnel, leaving me looking at Alex. Soon, I heard two voices, but I saw no figure, due to the fact that I was in the tunnel. But from the look on Alex’s face, he definitely saw them.
    “Aw, look, a little Sneasel! I want to catch that Pokémon!” A young girl’s voice reached my ears, followed by a deep man’s one.
    “Oh, sure! By the looks of it, it’s quite a timid Pokémon. I wonder what it’s doing out of its cave, though. It must have been making its way to a nest. Be careful not to scare it, or it may escape.”
    “I’ll make this quick! Go Numel!”
    I saw a red flash, and a panicked look on Alex’s face. A annoyed grunt came, and the girl spoke.
    “I’m sorry, Numel, but I promise I’ll give you plenty of berries later! Now, first, use your combo: Sunny Day, and then Lava Plume!”
    “Nu mel nu!”
    The Numel grunted, this time a delighted one, and chanted a few gibberish words I did not understand. Suddenly, bright sunlight shone all around the place, and I started to get a bit hot. Suddenly, an inferno of scarlet flames flew at Alex, burning him heavily. Even I felt the heat in the small tunnel. After the blast subsided, Alex’s skin was mostly burned off, making him vulnerable to the elements.
    “I’m going to try capture now! Numel can’t last long in this cold. And better do it before it attacks!” The girl said, and I saw a Hyper Ball flying towards Alex, sucking him into the small, round thing. I gasped as it blinked and said ‘Successful capture’.
    “Congratulations! Your first Pokémon from this run! Now, remember, I have to keep it until I escort you out of the park.” The man said, and I saw two pairs of feet walking past me.
    “Aw, how sad, your little friend got captured.” A voice from behind me said. I turned and saw a Glaceon smiling.
    Just then, I noticed something odd. The Glaceon’s breathe was not cold. All Ice Pokémon’s breathe were cold: Delibirds, Sneasels, Snorunts... and yet, this Glaceon’s breathe was actually warmer then the surrounding air. Not to mention the air around me has been warmed up by the Lava Plume.
    “Um... why is your breathe warmer than the area around us?” I asked the Glaceon, who suddenly had a frantic look on his face.
    “It’s... it’s because we patrol so much! Now, go back to your cave!” He said hurriedly, and escorted me back to my cave, but not before I noticed he was far less frightening then before with the look on anxiety on his face. Why would he be scared of me knowing his breathe was more hotter due to the fact he was patrolling so much?
    “How come you Glaceons want to take over the whole of Mount Oktori? It gains you absolutely nothing.” I said, and the Glaceon jumped again.
    “Stop asking so many stupid questions!”
    “But why shouldn’t I ask?” I started to get a little cheeky, and a ball of light appeared on the top of his head, making me keep quiet.
    “Now THAT is better. Fine, I will answer. It is because we like trainers and want them to be happy with Pokémon than leave empty handed.” The Glaceon said, and we soon reached my cave. He reminded me about the fact that they were watching, and then took off to begin patrolling again. I went deep into my now empty cave, lying on the floor.
    “That Glaceon is an outrageous liar.” I muttered, before closing my eyes and drifting to sleep, but not before a tear streaked down my eye.
    “I’m gonna miss your company, Alex. The cave will have only one lone occupant now.”

    *

    I yawned, staring at the ceiling. I noticed that the area I was in was quite warm. I tried to move, but it was as if I was nailed to the ground. I noticed ropes tied around me, and nails pining them down into the ground.
    “That Sneasel is too smart. He’ll figure us out sooner or later. We need to exterminate him now!” I heard a voice, sounding exactly like the Glaceon who brought me to the route recently, but sounding much more scared.
    “Relax. We’ll deal with him swiftly. We’ll tell him about us.” Another voice, and a feminine one, sounded, and the previous voice gave a loud gasp.
    “Are you mad?! He could tell everyone about us!”
    “Don’t worry. I’ll give him a test that I already prepared. If he doesn’t pass, we’ll kill him.”
    “I’d prefer the latter.” The voice grumbled, and I heard a creaking sound, and soon, a Glaceon was leaning over me.
    “Oh, good, your awake. Saves me the trouble of waking you up.”
    “What do you want from me?” I said, gritting my teeth. The Glaceon simply laughed, giving me an uneasy feeling.
    “I’m letting you go, boy. There’s no point in telling anyone we did this. After all... everyone knows what we do already.”
    She released the ropes one by one, and soon, I sat up, looking around.
    It was simply a square, black room with two doors. The Glaceon went to the door on the left and opened it. The familiar cool breeze greeted me.
    “Well? Go.”
    I darted out of the dingy little room and ran in the snow, using my natural homing instinct to find the way back to my cave.
    As I traveled towards my destination, I heard a wailing sound. I ran towards it, ignoring my original path, and found a baby Glaceon, crying, and lying on the floor, apparently wounded.
    I was reluctant to help it, because it was the child of my enemy, but at the same time I was feeling guilty inside. How come I can steal Delibird eggs and eat them, knowing I’m killing the thing inside, yet I cannot resist helping someone in need? My mind in strange sometimes.
    Suddenly, a roar was heard. An Abomasnow appeared, locking on to the crying Pokémon.
    “Finally, I found you! You will pay for taking over Mount Oktori, you devilish beasts!” The Abomasnow said in a booming voice. I gasped and stood in front of the crying Pokémon, my arms spread wide, blocking Abomasnow from getting any closer.
    “Don’t hurt it!” The Abomasnow heard me and the look on his face suggested that he thought I looked like an alien or something.
    “But do you not want to destroy the forces that has taken over our beloved mountain, destroyed our beloved peace, and, most of all, taken away our friends, never to be seen again? Why, we have to aim at their young, hit them at the weak spot! That is the way to victory, my fellow Pokémon!”
    “I cannot deny what they have done. But this Pokémon is helpless! If you have the heart to kill a baby, I say you are as bad as them!” I yelled, and that seemed to have infuriated the Abomasnow.
    “Well, if you stand in the way of victory, I must fight you!” The Abomasnow blasted me with Icy Wind, and I felt even colder than before.
    Uh oh. This isn’t good.
    I knew I stood no chance against the Abomasnow. Why couldn’t I run? It was easier than battling the Pokémon that probably weighs more than a sack of fat Delibirds, and way stronger. Besides, I could just grab the Glaceon and go... now, that won’t work, I bet I’ll bump into some other Pokémon... after all, it’s a small world here. Not to mention the wounds on it...
    In fact, the most I feared about this Pokémon was its signature move Sheer Cold. I do NOT want to be hit by absolute-zero wind. I don’t know how it feels, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t pleasant.
    From the Abomasnow’s body came leaf after leaf, spinning at such high speeds it could cut through my flesh. They hit me, causing cuts and gashes all around my body. And having exposed wounds in the cold was not a good idea.
    I fought back, extending my long, well-sharpened claws and jumped up, landing on the Abomasnow’s chest. I grabbed the leaves that was closest to me, getting a firm grip before slashing him. The leaves that made up his body was ripped as my weapon did its work. He howled and used his large, clumsy hands to bat me away.
    I looked at the baby Glaceon and knew the only thing to do was grab it and get away. I maneuvered through the Abomasnow’s legs and picked up the Pokémon, still wailing. I ran with my agile, speedy legs down the mountain, trying to block the sound of Abomasnow’s agitated roars out of my ears.
    Suddenly, a hallucination appeared in front of me. No, it was not a hallucination, although I tried to dismiss it as one. It was far too real.
    It was Alex, standing in front of me.
    “ALEX! You came back?!” I dropped the Glaceon on the floor, jumped and tried to hug Alex, but something repelled me, sending me sprawling onto the floor. I looked at realized that the Sneasel in front of me was not Alex. He scowled.
    “My, my, is that a traitor I see? Oh, why would a perfectly good Sneasel save the enemy’s baby? Don’t you want to avenge your dear old Alex?” The mysterious Sneasel said, and I hurriedly grabbed the Glaceon, and having fallen asleep while I was running. No way is it getting its dirty claws on the poor thing.
    “How... how did you know?” I said, and the Sneasel hissed, staring into my eyes.
    “Oh, of course I know. I know everything. Why, Alex would be so betrayed if he knew.”
    “LIAR! Alex won’t hurt an innocent Pokémon!” I yelled, and I realized the smirk on the Sneasel’s face. I turned and saw the Abomasnow right behind me.
    I felt the brute force of temperature. The wind that was brought next just froze me. I hurt, yet I was too cold to notice it hurt. I just blacked out instantly.

    *

    “You passed the test.”
    The female Glaceon who let me go was leaning over me. I was startled and jumped a bit. I looked around, and realized I was back in my cave.
    “You brought me back?” I asked the Glaceon, who simply laughed again.
    “No, silly. You were always here. I simply put you in a dream. And the dream was the test. I now know I can trust you with our secret.”
    My eyes widened with surprise and my mind raced, churning out a thousand thoughts at a time. What kind of secret do they have? What is it?
    “We are actually robots, created by the humans on this island.”
    I was taken aback. That was NOT one of the secrets on my mind.
    “We were the first product of a project call ‘Robots with a Conscience’. And we worked perfectly. Recently, the people discovered that in Mount Oktori there were far less wild Pokémon appearing to confront trainers, and less trainers came. The money stopped rolling in. The humans on this island panicked, and then thought up of an idea. Why not use us to make the Pokémon in Mount Oktori appear? So, they mass-produced us and released us into Mount Oktori. Trainers captured all normal Glaceon already, so mixing us up will not be an issue. They have thought up of a perfect plan.” The Glaceon said.
    “But... I thought the humans here were good?” I said.
    “You thought only. Yes, the leader was a good man. But his employees were not. They wanted money, and their salary consisted of the money given by trainers who want to enter the island. Their salary was recently cut by the shortage of trainers. So, to battle this, they created us.” The Glaceon said.
    “So that’s why your breathe is hot and you don’t get hurt? You are robots?” I said, and the Glaceon nodded.
    “Mind you, we don’t want to be robots actually. We want to breathe real air, we want to be free from this conscience, and we want to stop hurting you Ice-Pokémon and live beside you as comrades and friends. But it is not possible.”
    “Why?”
    “Because if we disobey our true intentions, our systems go into complete lock down and we shut down forever.”
    I gasped, and the truth hit me in the face hard. These robots were really just Pokémon like us, but they never had the chance to live by their own means, by their own mind. They simply had to play along with their creator’s programming, and are forever trapped in a vortex of no freedom.
    “Though, I want to ask you one question.” The robot Glaceon said, and I nodded, snapping away from my thought.
    “Why do you real Pokémon not want to be caught? We robots do not understand. The humans bring you to places that you could never go alone. To explore the world is our dreams... and we can never achieve that dream.”
    “Because... because we love our home, and we don’t want to leave our friends,” I answered the robot’s question. “Besides... how do we know if the human we go with is good or bad?”
    “Wise choice of answer. I understand now,” The Glaceon walked to the outside of my cave. “Oh, and, by the way, a trainer is coming along now, so come with me.”
    I was shocked by what the Glaceon just said. I was going to leave and go to battle with a trainer. I was sort of still, like I was frozen. The Glaceon smiled.
    “After telling you about us, I thought you would be more cooperative.” The Glaceon giggled this time, not a laugh that made me uncomfortable. Actually, it was the same way she always laughed, but this time it was much more... natural, in a sense. Maybe it’s all in my head.
    I nodded and followed the Glaceon as she led me on the same road that the other Glaceon has led us on to get Alex captured. I knew what I had to do, and the robot in front of didn’t bother telling me.
    Inside of me I felt a tinge of sympathy towards the robots that abused us, called us useless, and trashed us hard, because they did it all against their will. Of course, I knew that the scandalous story Glaceon told me might be an outrageous lie, but the way she said it... it just made it true. And that explains why an Ice Pokémon knows Fire Moves... because they were programmed with every move that the humans knew.
    We have reached the tunnel, where I was supposed to get captured by a mystery trainer. I had no idea what to expect. Little girl, big man, sinister figure... I heard the sound of footsteps and I quickly squeezed through the tunnel. I glanced at the Glaceon, who, believe me, looked like she was sad. She gave me a reassuring smile and turned her head and walked off, not looking back.
    I now heard voices in the distance, and I assumed one was the voice of a young woman, another the voice of a young boy.
    “Do you think that I’ll capture a strong Pokémon?” A squeaky sounded.
    “Sure you can! I believe in you!” The figures started to get closer. My assumptions were correct: A young woman and a young boy. The woman wore the typical ranger outfit, which the boy simply wore tons of think clothing.
    I was still too far for humans to see, however, so they kept on talking about their silly conversation.
    “Miss Timpeni, don’t you feel cold?” The boy said, and the ranger, apparently named Timpeni, shook her head. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”
    Impatient, I dashed up front and they immediately noticed me. The boy squeaked and fell over, while the ranger helped him get up.
    “This Pokémon seems to be rather bold to approach us like this. Well, do you want to catch this Bold Sneasel?” The ranger asked the boy, who immediately sent out his Houndoom, signaling that it was a ‘Yes’.
    I slashed the Houndoom with my extended claws out of fear, and darting back. But then I remembered that I was supposed to get captured. But not without a good fight.
    “Hit him with a Fire Fang and Heat Wave combo, Houndoom!” The boy yelled, and the Houndoom smiled, obviously glad that its trainer ordered offensive attacks. Its teeth was cloaked in flames, and it dashed up to me, hitting me with a hard bite. Not only did the bite hurt, but the fire severely burned my back.
    The Houndoom released me from its grip and jumped back, storing heat in its breathe for a Heat Wave attack. I stood up and dashed at the Houndoom, dealing a Faint Attack before dashing back again. The Houndoom fell, and then got up again, pretty angry now.
    It ran up to me and opened its mouth, and the breathe that came out was hotter than the Fire Fang move. I laid on the ground, and sustained more damage from my previous burn. The boy cheered loudly.
    “Good boy, Houndoom! Now, Hyper Ball, go!”
    A blue ball flew my direction, and I went into it. Inside, I saw many mechanisms which I had a chance of breaking.
    A chance of breaking and going free before it’s too late.
    There was a counter on the screen in the Hyper Ball.
    It displayed a one.
    It displayed a two.
    I looked at my claws, and decided on what I would do.

    -----

    If this gets a successful capture, please PM Bumblebee that it has been so he can go on the trading station. This is a story deal.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 29th January 2011 at 11:57 PM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Glaceon Gang (Ready for Grading)

    Plot/Introduction/character:

    Introduction ~
    You start off with a good introduction about who the main character is, a Sneasal. I like how you introduce a before and after scenario with the living environment before the Glaceon enforcer pack show up.

    Characters ~
    You tell us a little about the players in the story but you fail to provide some in-depth information that could have been used. For instance, at the beginning, the Sneasal strike me as arrogant Pokemon confident in their ability to do as they want. However, as the story develops the Alex character is revealed to have no backbone; whereas, Lex seems to have the personality of a stubborn survivor. Lex challenges the Glaceon and is reluctant to back down from a confrontation. You could have took these character qualities and imbued them in the story with greater force. Just something to consider for future attempts.

    Plot ~
    I like what you did here. It was creative and original with the view from a Pokemon on range.



    Detail/Description:

    Detail ~ This was the weakest part of your story. It was weak because you left out a lot of detail that could have been added and I’ll give a few examples to illustrate my point.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    I turned to see a Glaceon, staring daggers at me. My friend Alex sees her too, and he started laughing, and literally fell on the floor, gripping his stomach.
    Quote Originally Posted by me
    I turned to see a small turquoise colored Pokemon calmly sitting on its haunches staring at us. It causally flicked its pointed ears and used one of its scarf-like skin flaps on its head to cover its dainty feet. Alex took one look at her and fell to snow covered ground laughing uproariously, oblivious to cold and wet snow, clutching his blue skinned stomach with the its long claws.
    A tad bit of detail can make a big difference to a paragraph if used correctly. You need vivid detail to help the reader better understand what kind of scene you are trying to portray.

    You did a good job here:
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    From the Abomasnow’s body came leaf after leaf, spinning at such high speeds it could cut through my flesh. They hit me, causing cuts and gashes all around my body. And having exposed wounds in the cold was not a good idea.
    You should take what you did in this sentence and apply it to other scenes to create a good image for the reader.

    Your detail was really average because you didn’t give the reader a clear picture of what was going on. For instance, when Abomasnow enters the dream what was the weather with its ability? What was the weather during everything? Rain? Sun? Snow? Since you’re on a mountain top the environment descriptions are limited in a sense but you can still describe what you can. Pretend if you were reading your story and ask yourself. What does this look like? If you come to a blank try and fill, just be careful not to go overboard.

    When writing, try to describe these things: Pokemon, characters, environment, attacks, senses and most anything you can think of.


    Grammar:

    You did a good job in this department, but I spotted a few errors that you need to address.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    “We were the first product of a project call ‘Robots with a Conscience’. And we worked perfectly. Recently, the people discovered that in Mount Oktori there were far less wild Pokémon appearing to confront trainers, and less trainers came. The money stopped rolling in. The humans on this island panicked, and then thought up of an idea. Why not use us to make the Pokémon in Mount Oktori appear? So, they mass-produced us and released us into Mount Oktori. Trainers captured all normal Glaceon already, so mixing us up will not be an issue. They have thought up of a perfect plan.” The Glaceon said.

    “Though, I want to ask you one question.” The robot Glaceon said, and I nodded, snapping away from my thought.
    You had quite a few of this throughout your story. Where the bolded parts are should be a comma, not a period. This is because you are using words to acting upon the dialogue.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    “Wise choice of answer. I understand now,” The Glaceon walked to the outside of my cave. “Oh, and, by the way, a trainer is coming along now, so come with me.”
    At this point there should be a period because you have nothing acting upon the dialogue. There were other mistakes just like these ones that you need to keep an eye out for in your future writings.

    I also spotted a few mistakes were you left out a word or put in the wrong word.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Do you think that I’ll capture a strong Pokémon?” A squeaky sounded.
    “Sure you can! I believe in you!” The figures started to get closer. My assumptions were correct: A young woman and a young boy. The woman wore the typical ranger outfit, which the boy simply wore tons of think clothing.
    I was still too far for humans to see, however, so they kept on talking about their silly conversation.
    The first sentence you are missing the word voice. In the second paragraph you mistakenly put ‘think’ instead of ‘thick’. In the last sentence you are missing the word ‘away’ after far. These are minor mistakes but too many of them can make your story cumbersome. Be sure to read through your stories carefully to comb out these kind of errors. Do it more than once too, and be sure to take break between proofreading to clear your mind.


    Battle:

    Lack luster performance here as well. The biggest problem I saw with your battles is that they weren’t really battles so much as one side getting pounded into the dust. For instance, during the final battle (which should have been the climax) there was only a total of four attacks. Granted Houndoom has a distinct advantage over Sneasal but you could have surely done more creative things. Sneasal is both faster and on its home turf, so you could have used those two things to your advantage when battling. Yes, you were planning on getting caught but you could have created more of a challenge. If you are going to have a battle at the end try to make it blend with the rest of the story, this battle just seemed pointless.

    Length:
    Good here.

    Outcome:

    Not Captured. Although your plot was sound and has potential, the weakness in your other sections put you down. In order to get your mon captured you need to go back and proofread for word misplacement, wrong words, and proper punctuation during dialogue. Go back and add some detail to the areas that I mentioned, and you need to work on some more exchanges in the main battle. Your Pokemon was fairly close to getting captured so don’t get discouraged.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 14th June 2011 at 10:57 PM.
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