Thread: GIMME SUSHI NAO

The homeless man licked his cracked lips tentatively as his grubby hands shot into the murky water below. He scooped up a large handful of the foul liiquid and splashed it onto his wrinkled face greedily. The cool liquid felt brilliant on his dry face. He felt his stomach growl with hunger as his mind wandered to the thought of sushi. There was nothing this man loved more than dead fish. It had cost him everything, his wife, his kids, his job and even his home. But, the cravings continued.

He eyed the water greedily, imagining the scaly exterior of those beautiful, succulent creatures. The man's mouth started to water and a drip of drool spashed down onto the hard ground below.There was a tremendous thundering sound as a flash of glaring lightning shot from a dark cloud above, striking the surface of the water. There was a horrific cackling sound as electricity rippled through the river water. The man's hands returned to his warm body instinctively and he retreated slowly, not wanting to be caught out in the middle of the fierce storm.

The man crouched back a few steps until he was directly under the stone bridge, his new home. Broken branches and empty tinslittered the floor and a gust of wind carried a torn plastic bag away in front of his eyes. He turned back to the water to seethe most amazing thing the elderly man had ever seen. On the water's surface lay hundreds upon hundreds of red, scaled bodies of fish, Magikarp to be precise. He smiled anxiously as his mind wandered back to the lightning. It must have killed all of the fish, the man thought as he pulled up his trouser legs.

In a flash the man ran across the lake as his eyes feasted on the plethora of Magikarp. He splashed water up into the air above as the clouds parted above.

"Yippee!" he screamed with excitement. "Glorious, glorious sushi!" he added, scooping one of the Magikarp out of the water. "Hello pretty little Pokemon," the man said, in a slight insane manner. "Would you like me to eat you?" he asked excitedly. His hands pressed against the Magikarp's wobbly jaw and opened it with his fingers, as though it were talking. "Eat me, eat me!" the man squeeked, miming the dead Magikarp "Well, of course I will," the man chimed bringing the Magikarp up to his jaw and popped it's head into his mouth. There was a chilling crunch as he bit through the Magikarp's head and flung the body to the ground.

"Who's next?" he cackled evilly. The sound of his high-pitched laughter ringing out into the quiet night sky. The man gave an elegant pirouette as he pranced around from one fish to the next.

"Poor diluded bastard," a woman said, covering her daughter's eyes. "Promise me you'll never eat sushi," the woman at the bank asked her daughter.

"Never again," the little girl shuddered, clearly horrified by the thought. "What's wrong with that crazy man?" the girl asked, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground.

"He must really be obsessed with su..." she trailed off, deep in thought.

"Mummy, what's wrong?" the little girl asked, looking at her mother dead on.

"Well, remember the way I told you about your Father," she stalled. "Well, he, h-he was a sushi addict!" the woman panted.

"NOOOOOOO!" the girl screamed, causing the man in the murky river to turn around and stare at her in astonishment. A fish tail poking out of his mouth.

Status: Ready for grading
Pokemon: Magikarp
Reason for writing: I wanna Magikarp, kay?
Length: 3,347

The story's introduction is good, giving some of the history of this odd and borderline insane old man, while setting the stage with darkness and pouring rain, with crackling lightning.

He is a... sushi addict. And, in this filthy river, there are many Magikarp. A lightning strike hits the water and gives him his wildest dream: a grotesque feast of dead fish that bob to the surface.

Just a couple of sentences that seemed odd:

Originally Posted by Synthesis

He scooped up a large handful of the foul liquid and splashed it onto his wrinkled face greedily. The cool liquid felt brilliant on his dry face.

I wouldn't recommend using liquid twice in a row here, especially since you're describing it in both a positive (cool) and a negative (foul) way. Substitute 'water' for one of them, or just say, 'The coolness felt brilliant on his dry face.'

Originally Posted by Synthesis

He turned back to the water to see the most amazing thing the elderly man had ever seen.

Using 'he' for the sentence's subject, and then repeating 'the elderly man,' seems redundant, which wouldn't be the case if you switched them around. Using 'to see' and 'had ever seen' is less so, since they have different meanings despite being the same verb, but you might have done well to structure the sentence differently, for example: "The elderly man turned back to the water, and found there the most amazing thing he had ever seen."

That ending was creepy. Good job... I guess? *shudder*

Magikarp: Caught.

P.S. Deluded, not diluded.