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Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

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    Default Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Gimme Gimme Doesn’t Get





    Look at that little sh&t, he think he just so cool well he’s not!. Your just a worthless little Litwick that's all you, and that stupid fire on top of you head. Well at least I can go out in the rain with out a flame resistant umbrella, dumb a$s yeah how do you like that you piece sh#t ! doesn’t fell good to have your feelings broke does it. Oh what hmm.. you going to cry now, little baby going to cry now, answer me!.

    “Venipede!.” yelled Bellsprout

    “Wait what.” Said Venipede

    “Man what are you doing out here the bell went off six minutes ago, Ms. Arcanine said to come and get you she is mad.” Said Bellsprout in low voice.

    “Oh, I guess I fell asleep.” Said Venipede

    “Well get up and lets go.” Said Bellsprout

    I got up, and went back to class I walked into the room, and Ms. Arcanine looked mad glaring at me, but it was okay as long as she didn’t call me out in front of the class.

    “Venipede.” Ms. Arcanine called to me.

    I’m in deep sh#t now

    “Umm.. yes Ms. Arcanine can I help you?” Said Venipede

    “Yes you can I want you to tell the hole class, what type of attacks are weak against ground pokemon?” asked Ms. Arcanine

    “Well there are Electric moves, and Bug moves, and Fire and poison, and flying type moves, that's all I think of” Said Venipede

    “Very good Venipede you my sit down” Said Ms. Arcanine

    Well that could have been worse, but i’m glad it was not.

    “Okay we are going to learn the type of pokemon are out there, and what to do if pokemon you don’t know approaches you now, there are a lot of pokemon out there that will hurt you and some will kill you, which is why you need to pay attention to what I say because it my save your life one day now, who can tell what to do if a pokemon is following you. Asked Ms. arcanine

    “I know Ms. Arcanine” Said Litwick

    “Yes Litwick” Said Ms.Arcanine


    “Well all of us know who lives in our town so, if you see a pokmon you don’t know you run away as fast as you can and find a adult” Said Litwick


    “Yes never try to handle something by yourself because a Pokemon my look small, but that does not mean it can’t hurt you. if you don’t know who it is, run, and get a adult, and tell them what is going on. And always remember to never try, and fight another Pokemon. There are a lot of powerful pokemon out there that would have no problem killing you, okay?” Asked Ms.Arcanine

    “Yes Ms. Acranine!” Said the class

    “I say no, what if I don’t want to run What if I fight back then what. My dad fights bad Pokemon all the time so, why can’t I?” Said Venipede

    ”You my think its a good idea, but its not Pokemon can be hard to fight. You’re mom and dad can fight them because they are just as strong, but you are still to young. Fighting a Pokemon that bigger then you won’t end well for you. And remenber there’s no shame in running away okay?”

    “Yes Ms. Arcanine” Said the class

    “Good now, go home and remember what you learned today class I will see you all tomorrow, and we will be talking about this over the next week class”

    School was out at last now, I could go to Machop’s house and play. I ran as fast as my little legs could go, I pass Mr. Snorlax as he was eating I also passed Ms. Swampert, Mr. Tyranitar, and Seismitoad who was a new neighbor in town. I liked to run through town, and play, but the one thing I could not stand was that all the people in this town do the same thing every day over, and over again. Mr. Snorlax he get’s up and starts to eat then, when he’s done he go’s back to sleep for the day. Ms. Swampert gets up then she feeds her new baby that hatched then, she go’s outside and rolls in the mud until she falls asleep. As for Mr. Tyranitar i’m not sure what he does he gets up, and go’s out to the forest and that’s all you see of him until he comes back. Seismitoad I don’t know what they do from what i see they, stay in there pond all day. The point was there is so much to do, and they sit on there a#s all day and do nothing, and the sick part of it all is they want us kids to do the same thing. Not me i’m not going to be like them that’s why I don’t stay in town. Were not allowed to leave the town, but I don’t care me and Machop, go out to the forest, and the hills, hell we go all the way out to Great Lake and if the adults have a problem with it, I don’t care. One day when I evolve i’m leaving this place for good. but until then I had to live with these Pokemon.
    A breeze picked up it felt good having that cool air pushing against my face. Machop lived at the end of town so, I had a long run and I was not all that fast, but I didn’t mind I like to run it fun. I kicked up a lot of dirt on my there, because my feet are so small they all rub against the ground, which makes a lot of dust. It so fun making all that dirt fly up in the air it makes people mad, but i don’t care because its fun!.


    I got to Machop’s house, in front of it are stone pillars which surround the house all of them are spaced apart one foot from the other, its cool to look at. Machop has a lot of grass as well, its nice long and thick and it green color is so beautiful, and it looked so good I just want to eat it all!

    “Hi Venipede!” Called Machop

    I turned my head around to see Machop, he was at his front door waving to me so, I waved back then when up to his house before I devoured his front yard.

    “Sup Machop” Said Venipede

    “Not much I just got done eating, you want a berry?” Asked Machop

    “Sure i’m starving” Venipede replied

    “Okay here you go” Said Machop

    “Thanks Machop” Said Venipede in a grateful manner

    “You’re welcome now, did you want something?” Machop asked

    “Yes do you still want to go see the humans with me, or do you have plans?” Replied Venipede

    “Nope no plans for today so, when do you what to leave?” Machop asked


    “Well right now, if that okay with you?” Said Venipede


    “Sure why not, i’ll go get a snack for the trip” Said Machop



    I waited for Machop to come back out then, we left for the woods. Getting out of town was the hard part because the adults don’t let anyone go to the forest, they say if you go out there are some pokemon that might try, and eat you. But that's all bullsh#t me and Machop have been out there a lot, and never once have we been attack by another pokemon nor seen one. I like walking through the forest the trees are so big makes me wish I was bird pokemon so, I could fly away far and high in the sky, and just be free. We continued on until we came to the river it was small, but if you fell in you were in trouble but we had a way around that. Machop got a old log that floats so, we just use that to get across, and we use long sticks to push us across. We got in and went across the river, the water was clear we could see the fish in it like magikarp, there so dumb its so funny. We reached the other side, and got out the log and made our way through the rest of the forest, the ground was still muddy from the rain. Its fun to walk through mud when it get in my toes it feels so good. The sun had now, come out all the way and the forest looked better then before with the light shining on all the trees it reflects on the water they have on them, and makes rainbows on the ground the colors are cool to look at. We were have a lot of fun playing in the mud, and rainbows when I heard a voice come from my right.


    “You hear that Machop?” Said Machop


    “Yeah its coming from over there, want to go see who it is?” Replied Machop


    “Yeah lets move” Said Venipede


    We move over to the tree line that when, four humans appeared three boys and a girl. They were playing a game which, I didn’t know but it looked fun. Then one of the boys kick there ball over pass us. Me and machop got down lower, then one of the boys began to walk over to us.

    “Okay when I say we get up, and run like hell back to the river got it Machop” Venipede said in a low soft voice


    “Yup” Replied Machop

    He was almost in front of us, when the bigger one called him back

    “Hey jack get over here” Mark called

    “Oh what now, i’m getting the ball” Replied Jack

    “Shut up dumb a#s, and look over there at the tree line” Said Mark

    “What am I looking at?” Jack Said


    “Man you’re dumb, look at the little gray thing” Mark Said


    “Oh that thing hey, that’s a Machop” Replied Jack


    “That’s right now, here what were are going to do i’m going around to the back, and chase it out here the you use you’re pokeball a catch it okay” Said Mark


    “Yeah no problem, I got this in the bag” Said Jack

    The one human left I don’t know why, but I had a bad feeling that something was about to happen, and the last time I had this feeling Litwick set my butt on fire man that hurt. I heard another sound this time it was behind us I turned around, to see one of the humans coming up I looked at Machop then the human ran for us, we both got up and ran as fast as we could.

    “Run man run!” Machop yelled

    “Machop look out!” Yelled Venipede

    “Yes I got you, Mark get over!” Said Jack

    “What the hell are you doing? I said use you’re pokeball” Replied Mark


    “I would have but you took it now, use it this guy is strong” Yelled Jack

    “Okay here you do it I’ll watch this is just to funny” Said Mark

    “Okay gimme, gimme” Said Jack

    “Hey! my mom said gimme gimme doesn’t get, punk!” Venipede said in a loud voice

    I ran up to the human right before he got the pokeball, and bit him on the leg.

    “Owwwwww! what the f$ck, owww” Cried Jack


    “Ahahahahahahah! looks like that little guy want to fight you, what are you going to do ahahahah!” Mark laugh in a historical manner


    “Oww let go of my leg! get off me go on off I said, Acranine help” Jack called


    “Oh stop being a bi#ch man. Here I’ll get it” Said Mark


    I knew I had one second to get Machop free, that’s when I used my Bug Bite attack on him.

    “Owww help help!!! let go. Oh sh#t Machop get it Mark!” Cried Jack

    “Run Machop run!” Yelled Venipede

    Machop moved as fast as he could, and got back to forest but me I still had a fight to win Ms. Acranine was right behind me, when I turned around.

    “Acranine use you’re Flamethrower attack, and get this thing off me!” Jack commanded


    Ms. Acranine took a deep breath the let out a bust of fire, I jump of the boys leg.

    “Ms. arcanine what the hell?” Venipede asked

    “Wait Arcanine!” Said Mark

    I turned my head at the older boy, and he through some ball in the air it opened op then sucked me in it, I tried to get out but I could not it was not fun at all. I was a goner I didn’t know how long I had been in this but I was starving, and being in this ball hurt. Then a white light flashed in my eyes, I opened them up and that boy was there and Ms.Arcanine.

    “Ms. Arcanine, were am I tell me now!” Venipede commanded

    “Well you’re home now” Ms. Arcanine said in a soft voice

    “This is not home were did you take me! tell me now!” yelled Venipede

    “Who do you think you’re yelling at little boy!” Yelled Mr. Arcanine

    “And just who the hell are?!” Replied Venipede


    “I’m Mr. Arcanine, and you are?” Said Mr. Arcanine


    “The guy that’s about to knock you’re block off that’s who!” Yelled Venipede

    “Calm down Venipede” Said Ms. Arcanine

    “Calm down why would I calm down, I don’t know were I am, and you want me to calm down f$ck you” Said Venipede

    “Why you little!” Yelled Mr. Arcanine

    “Calm down dear he scared” Said Ms. Arcanine

    “I’m not scared!” Yelled Venipede


    “You are the one who when out to the forest not me, if you had done what I said you would have never been captured by Mark. Never go to the forest that what you were told, and you did it. Now I told you’re mom and dad what happened to you so they wont worry about you” Sain Ms. Arcanine

    “But there coming for me right?” Replied Venipede


    “No when you get captured by a human you cant go home he becomes you’re master now, you my not like it but that how it is get use to it” Said Ms. Arcanine in a low sad voice

    “No I wont i’m not doing anything he says to do I’m staying right here” Replied Venipede

    “That’s what you think” Said Ms. Arcanine

    Ms. Arcanine left out the room, I climbed up this stick thing when I got to the top I could see the forest I ran right for it, when I hit something I didn’t understand I could see it but I could go to it, it was like some thing was blocking the way, I knew then I would never get home I climbed down rolled up in to a ball and cried my eyes out. I knew in the back of my head I did the right thing saving Machop, but I didn’t feel good about it.

    “Hello who are you?” Said Slakoth

    I rolled over on my feet. there was a pokemon here, I didn’t what it was so I asked

    “Um.. who are you?” Replied Venipede

    “Hey I asked first” Said Slakoth

    “Okay i’m Venipede, and you are?” Replied Venipede

    “I’m Slakoth, nice to meet you” Said Slakoth

    “Yeah nice to meet you to. you look like you need a nap” Said Venipede

    “Oh that’s how I always look it the way I was born” Replied Slakoth

    “Oh i’m sorry I didn ‘t mean it like that” Said Venipede

    “That okay i’m use to it” Replied Slakoth

    “So, how did you get here?” Venipede asked

    “I was with my mom and a human found us my mom took my brothers, and sister and got them to a safe place then she come back for me, but the human had a pokemon fight her and when they started to fight, the human took me away from my mom. How about you?” Slakoth Replied

    “Me and my friend were out in the forest playing when, a human found us he got my friend but I jump on him and attack, he let Machop go and I got captured that’s how I got here” Said Venipede


    “Do you want to be my friend, I don’t have any?” Said Slakoth


    “Sure I could use one right now” Replied Venipede

    “Cool so, what do we do now?” Slakoth asked

    “I’ll tell what we do i’m going to get you home along with my self. So here what we do. We do what the human wants us to do then when we get its trust we make a run for it Ms. Arcanine will be hard to fool but she not as smart as she think she it sound good?” Replied Venipede

    “Yes” Slakoth yelled


    “Okay Slakoth lets do it” Said Venipede


    To be continued




    Last edited by Black Reaper; 11th April 2012 at 11:02 PM.

  2. #2
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Oh yeah, I need to claim this, don't I.

    /lick
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  3. #3
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Introduction: Your introduction was a bit lacking. It gave us some insight to your character, but not so much about his background, where he is, or why he's there. These are some important aspects that a story needs in order to open up to its readers. Try to include these in the future.

    Plot: It was an interesting plot, to say the least. A Pokemon school isn't something I see often, and a realistic one at that. The fact that Venipede gets captured is also an interesting twist. It gives us insight to the Pokemon's side of these stories. Ultimately, it was an entertaining plot. Gold star. <3

    Description: The bits of description that you had in this story were very enlightening. My only problem I found with this was that there were large gaps in the story where there wasn't any description at all, and some parts that contained all of it. In the future, try spacing it out some. If you had dialogue tags, this would make it easier. That way, after a character speaks, you could describe what they're doing, or feeling.

    Characters: Through your story, we can see the beginnings of character development. You show what Venipede is feeling and his reactions to the world and the situations he's in. If you add dialogue tags to the end of your quotes, this will significantly help to better develop your character.

    Dialogue: You have enough dialogue in your story so that the reader can tell what's going on, which is good. However, you have a serious lack of dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are the parts of the sentence that go after, or sometimes before, a quote. For example:
    "I like cereal," said Bob.
    "said Bob." would be the dialogue tag. Without these, it can be very hard to tell which characters are talking, especially if there's more than two. It also makes it hard to distinguish when another character comes up or leaves. In future stories, try adding some dialogue tags. It'll only make them better. (:

    Grammar: Unfortunately, this is where I encountered the most problems at. The frequency of the multiple errors that you have just outweighed your entire story. Here are some nifty tips that you should use in future stories:

    Always remember punctuation at the end of your sentences, even in quotes. However, you only need one. So, pick the one that suits the sentence best and stick with that one. :3
    ...[it makes people mad but i don’t care because its fun!.]

    When dealing with quotes, always put a comma before the ending quotation marks when it's followed by a dialogue tag(get those too!). If it's just the end of the sentence and no dialogue tag follows, a period is fine. And of course if someone's yelling or asking a question, you can use exclamation points and question marks accordingly. For example:
    [“Oh I guess I fell asleep”] should look like, ["Oh, I guess I fell asleep," Venipede said.] or ["Oh, I guess I fell asleep."] if there is no dialogue tag.

    Be sure to end complete thoughts as one sentence before going on to the next. If not, your sentence will become a run-on, which is baaaad~! D: For example:

    [“Yes never try to handle something by yourself, because a pokemon my look small but that does not mean it cant hurt you if you don’t know who it is run, and get a adult and tell them what is going on And always remember to never try, and fight another pokemon there are a lot of powerful pokemon out there that would have no problem killing you okay”]
    This is a run-on sentence. It has no punctuation and has multiple thoughts. One way you could fix this is:

    [“Yes. Never try to handle something by yourself because a Pokemon may look small, but that does not mean it can't hurt you. If you don’t know who it is, run, get a adult, and tell them what is going on. And always remember to never try and fight another Pokemon. There are a lot of powerful Pokemon out there that would have no problem killing you, okay?”]

    There were also other errors in this paragraph, which I have bolded for you. 'Pokemon' is a proper noun and should always be capitalized. 'Can't' is a contraction and needs an apostrophe before the 't'. When listing items, put a comma after each thing listed and put an 'and' in front of the last one.

    Also, when you start sentences with words like "so", "well", "also", and so on, you need a comma behind it. Same thing when ending a sentence with "okay".

    [school was out at last now, I could go to Machops house and play.]
    Sentences always begin with a capital letter, and "Machop" is possessive. It's his house. So, 'Machops' would need an apostrophe before the 's'.

    [school was out at last now, I could go to Machops house and play. I ran as fast as my little legs could go, I pass Mr. Snorlax as he was eating I couldn’t help but think how he gets all that food in his mouth, I would have to ask next time I see him if I have time.]
    Your tenses also get mixed up a bit sometimes. Try to pick one tense, usually people go with past, and stick with it. Present tense just gets really confusing at times, so past would probably be best.

    Climax: Your climax was really hard to understand. I got the general idea of it once Venipede was with Ms. Arcanine at the end, but the dialogue session before that was really hard to read. If you had dialogue tags and more description in between the quotes, it would have made it a lot better and it would have been easier to read. Try to keep this in mind for future stories. o:

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  4. #4
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Black Reaper contacted me to say that FrozenChaos would not regrade this.

    After looking over the story and FC's grade, I'll say, Venipede captured! It seems Black Reaper has added the dialog tags that were requested.

    @FrozenChaos; If you feel that this story's edit is not satisfactory, you may overturn my re-grade. Since I did not read the original version of the story, I can't judge the corrections too well.

    - Kat


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  5. #5
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
    Black Reaper contacted me to say that FrozenChaos would not regrade this.

    After looking over the story and FC's grade, I'll say, Venipede captured! It seems Black Reaper has added the dialog tags that were requested.

    @FrozenChaos; If you feel that this story's edit is not satisfactory, you may overturn my re-grade. Since I did not read the original version of the story, I can't judge the corrections too well.

    - Kat
    I'm sorry! D: I was getting around to it, but my work schedule this week just blew up and I haven't really wanted to grade anything because of it. x_x; However, this is totally fine, because after looking over it, he indeed did what I asked. I'm just sorry it took so long to get around to it. @_@
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  6. #6
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gimme Gimme Doesn't Get

    Quote Originally Posted by FrozenChaos View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
    Black Reaper contacted me to say that FrozenChaos would not regrade this.

    After looking over the story and FC's grade, I'll say, Venipede captured! It seems Black Reaper has added the dialog tags that were requested.

    @FrozenChaos; If you feel that this story's edit is not satisfactory, you may overturn my re-grade. Since I did not read the original version of the story, I can't judge the corrections too well.

    - Kat
    I'm sorry! D: I was getting around to it, but my work schedule this week just blew up and I haven't really wanted to grade anything because of it. x_x; However, this is totally fine, because after looking over it, he indeed did what I asked. I'm just sorry it took so long to get around to it. @_@
    No problem, totally understandable. :)

    - Kat


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