Genesect [Not for the faint of heart]

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  1. #1
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Genesect [Not for the faint of heart]

    Quick warning - there is some nasty imagery in this, mostly around the end. Bit of stabbing, bit of blood, so if you scare easily, you may not want to read this. If you're a BMGer though, I expect you're demented enough to love this.

    He had created a monster. It was that simple.

    Looking at the Pokemon he had created, Doctor White smiled with a maniacal look in his eyes. He took a step back, slipping into the darkness. The only part of the small laboratory that was lit up was the medical table in which his product rested.

    "Genesect, are you ready?"


    Weakly, it sat up. Turning its head to face Doctor White, it emitted a growling sound. The old professor did not recoil. Instead, he started laughing.

    "You like your new body, Genesect?"

    Genesect growled again, and lunged at Doctor White - or at least it intended to. However, its arms were larger and heavier than he expected, and Doctor White laughed once again as he stepped away from Genesect.

    Genesect tried to get off the bed, visibly angry at Doctor White. However, it realized it was strapped to the medical table. Genesect tried to break free, but it was too weak. By the time it had given up, it was exhausted.

    "Perhaps you haven't quite adjusted to your new body?" Doctor White taunted, stepping back into the light. In his right hand, he held a small remote with a single red button on it. He pressed the button.

    Immediately, Genesect blacked out.



    I woke up. My head hurt. A lot.

    Closing my eyes helped me deal with the pain. For now, I kept my eyes closed.

    What had just happened, anyways? I couldn't remember anything... I felt different, however. I could sense my body being a different shape than it had been before...

    Looking around, I tried figuring out where I was. It was a large and almost featureless room. The walls were made of steel. There was a large mirror on one of the walls. I approached it.

    I could see my reflection. No longer was I the Pokemon I used to be. In my previous form, I had no limbs. I had been a tough Pokemon, encased in a steel shell that seemed almost unbreakable. I was still encased in a durable steel exoskeleton, but much had changed. Now, I am a much larger... creature. For the most part, I seemed humanoid in shape, although my body was purple and made of metal. My head was shaped like a large disc, and there were two large red eyes on my head, staring back at me through the mirror. However, the most intriguing part of my new body was a large cannon. A light on the back of it glowed orange, and I wondered what I could do with it.

    How had this happened? I racked my mind for answers, but I simply couldn't remember.

    All of a sudden, I heard a whishing sound. I turned around, and I saw that parts of the walls had opened up, revealing multiple tunnels. Immediately, many Pokemon startled to walk through the tunnels. Amongst them, I noticed a Donphan, a Nidoking, a Tyranitar and a Rhyperior. The rest of the group was made up of strong and advanced Pokemon as well. They were all roaring in pride, stomping their heavy feet on the ground with every footstep. I could hear the loud thud of many such footsteps, even amongst the loud jeers of the Pokemon. Overpowering the racket they were making was their stink. They smelled horrible - these Pokemon were obviously poorly cared for by their masters, whoever they were. However, these Pokemon were confident, and it seemed likely that that was because of what I assumed was pure strength, judging by the looks of them. I wondered what was going on.


    I heard a voice call my name. It sounded mechanically augmented, and I figured it must have been an announcer.

    "These Pokemon are going to attack you. Deal with them."

    As if on cue, the hostile group of Pokemon charged towards me. I had no clue what to do. There was nowhere to escape.

    Then, I remembered the large cannon on my back. Was it functional? How did I use it?

    As the large group of Pokemon ran towards me, I focused myself. Though I've never had a body like this before, I tried controlling my newfound body parts to do what I wanted. As I tensed up, I realized exactly what I had to do with the new muscles in this body. I tensed up the muscles the way they needed to be, and I felt something... powerful growing in my back. I realized I had activated the cannon, and I aimed the cannon at the group of Pokemon.

    A large orange beam of energy immediately exploded from the cannon... no, my cannon. The beam cut through the Pokemon like a laser, and I rotated my body so that I could cut through all of the Pokemon. Within mere moments, the raging stampede of Pokemon was no more.

    I was drained. Using my cannon had taken a lot out of me.

    "Good..." the announcer said, "Very good. I see you have already learned how to use your Photon Blaster. Now, you are very tired. However, as you get stronger and adjust to your new body, you will find that using the Techno Blast move will require less and less energy of you."

    I heard the announcer speak, and his words ran through my mind. Photon Blaster... That must be my cannon. The Techno Blast must have been the beam I had shot earlier.

    "Now, we need to tame you. Otherwise, you may not like us, and that is a problem."

    I did not know what he was talking about at first, but I realized all too soon. As the voice stopped speaking, a loud buzzing noise immediately replaced it.

    It hurt. Bad. My ears were in pain. My brain was in pain. I screamed. A lot. I fell to my knees. I knew I had to get it to stop. I couldn't think straight, however. I realized they must be watching me, and I looked at the mirror. It must've been one of those mirrors that was also a window depending on which side you looked at it. There were no cameras in the room - there was nothing at all in it.

    Screaming, I pounded my fists on the mirror. I needed them to let me out. The buzzing noise was in my head, and it was too loud. I couldn't think. I just needed out.

    I desperately looked at the window-mirror. Hopefully, these whoever-they-weres would have some compassion. This just hurt so bad. It had to stop. Then, I realized what I would need to do.

    I built up another Techno Blast. When I was ready, I fired the orange beam once again. It smashed through the window, and immediately the buzzing noise stopped. I fell to the ground, too tired to do anything at all. I heard footsteps and shouting.

    Well, that was until I blacked out... again.


    Where was I now?

    I opened my eyes, feeling refreshed. I remembered falling unconscious after being really tired... right, I had used my Photon Blaster to force my way out of a painful situation. Obviously, I had been tired. In contrast to that, I felt great now.

    Looking around, I was in a dark room. I was shackled to a chair, and there was a spotlight on me.

    "Ah, good, you're awake!"

    I heard a human voice to my right. Turning my head, I saw an old man appear out of the shadows. He had a warm smile on his face, but his crooked intentions were visible in his hazel eyes. His voice had sounded very old, and he looked it as well. I didn't know much about humans in terms of their longevity, but it was clear that this man could not survive any more than five to ten years. Despite that, he seemed to be in relatively good health for someone of his age. Despite his frail frame and evident age, he walked with an energetic youth, and seemed not only confident, but relatively strong as well. [strike]The way he carried himself radiated confidence.[/strike] The professor looked familiar to me, but I didn't remember who he was.

    "Genesect, are you feeling well?" he asked.

    Unsure of what he was thinking, I simply nodded. The professor smiled.

    "Do you remember me?"

    I shook my head this time.

    "I'm Doctor White. I created you," he said.

    Instantly, I remembered him. Hate immediately started to build for the man as the memories rushed back; he did not seem to notice, however.

    "Now that you are tamed, you will listen to my every command. Do you understand?" Doctor White asked me.

    I did not know what he was talking about. Then, I remembered the painful buzzing experience from earlier. The point of that was to tame me - or rather, brainwash me, so it seemed. However, I didn't feel different. I felt as if I still regulated my mind, and I knew that if I had the opportunity, I would kill the man. However, since there was nothing to be gained from telling him no, I nodded once again.

    Doctor White smiled, believing he had succeeded. "Good! Now, to test your capabilities..."

    The shackles around me were released, and I got out of the chair. I turned to the professor, figuring it was time to get some answers before I dispose of him.

    However, I heard heavy footsteps behind me. Immediately, I turned around. Behind me was another Genesect, who looked just like me - although his body carried more wear and tear.

    "This is the Version 1 Genesect. Like you, he is completely tamed (at this, my heart started to beat a little faster). However, he lacks some of the upgrades we put in you, the Version 2 Genesect. You are stronger, smarter, faster, and in all other ways better. So, I want you to kill him - you will have to if you want to live, since I have already ordered him to kill you."

    Doctor White cackled a bit. I was completely shocked. Here was another Genesect who had probably gone through the same experience that I had, and now I was to kill him? This horrific idea didn't sit well with me since it was too much like killing a clone or copy of me.

    Obviously, however, these thoughts weren't running through the other Genesect's mind. This became evident when he started to run towards me.

    I dodged his clothesline, sidestepping out of its path. However, he caught me with a left forearm right in the face, and I realized I had essentially sidestepped into that one. The way he had curved his right arm for the clothesline had made it look much easier to avoid if I sidestepped to my right and his left, but apparently he had been waiting for me to sidestep that way. That must have been his experience factoring in, I realized. Though I had a technological advantage over him, he must have an advantage in terms of his experience. He was the Version 1 Genesect, and that meant he must have come before I did since I was the Version 2 model.

    I shook the blow off. More carefully, I waited for his next attack planning to counter it. My hands were out, ready to deflect blows. However, he must have realized this because he fired a Techno Blast at me. I was forced to sidestep again so I could avoid the attack.

    The beam faltered away, and the Genesect turned to face me. Knowing full well that he had all the momentum, I decided to get on the offensive. I started to step towards him, and he backpedaled. As I studied him, I noticed that his movements looked a little sloppier than they had earlier. I remembered the exhaustion I had felt after using my own Techno Blast earlier, and realized that the other Genesect was also suffering the fatiguing side effects of the move, albeit to a lesser extent. Right now was as good a time to get on the offensive as ever. I could claim the momentum, and perhaps even win the match now.

    I leapt at the other Genesect, aiming for his stomach with my shoulder. As my shoulder connected with its target, Genesect doubled over and collapsed.

    I knew this was my chance to finish him off. I would have to end him quickly if I wanted to capitalize on this opportunity, however - he was already starting to return to his senses.

    Charging up my Techno Blast, I fired the orange beam of energy at my downed opponent. However, he somehow rolled out of the way before the attack connected, and I quickly turned around to face him. He had rolled deftly to his feet, and threw a punch at my face. I ducked to avoid the punch, but I ended up falling over instead. As I lay on the ground, I felt my legs aching. Then, I realized it was not only my legs, but all of my body. The Techno Blast... It had exhausted me. I hadn't felt it at first due to the adrenaline coursing through me, but that didn't remove the fact that I was still gassed from the move.

    The Genesect stood over me. I saw him charging a Techno Blast in his Photon Blaster, though it was building up much slower than it had earlier. It must have been the fatigue. At any rate, I was too tired to roll away from it. All of my joints and muscles were aching. Was I done for?

    Knowing full well that this was my last stand, I tried to force up another Techno Blast. Like the other Genesect, I was tired. Despite that, I managed to get it off. I fired the Techno Blast, and it met that of the other Genesect's. They cancelled each other out, and the resulting explosion pushed both of us away. We were both thrown unceremoniously into the shadows.

    I groaned, shaking my head as I struggled to my feet. I was dizzy as hell, and I couldn't see anything since the only light in the small room had been a spotlight in the center where the other Genesect and I had been battling.

    All of a sudden, the spotlight disappeared, and lights - normal lightbulbs in the ceiling - flashed on. All of the room was now lit up. It was just a small and simple room with some medical equipment and wires connected to a medical chair - he one I had been shackled to - which had been knocked aside during the battle.

    I could see the other Genesect's body lying on the ground a couple meters away. He was still down, and it made sense. He had been standing up when the explosion occurred, so the impact had thrown him away with more force than it had done to me.

    "Finish him!" I heard Doctor White's voice, and I walked towards the other Genesect. Though he had been a very competent adversary, it appeared that the upgrades I had were too much of an advantage.

    Looking down, I charged up my Techno Blast. It was time to finish this thing, so I could move on to Doctor White. Then, I would be able to get some answers.

    Suddenly, I stopped myself. The Techno Blast in my Photon Blaster died, and I realized I couldn't do this. I had no right to do this to another Genesect. He had gone through the same thing I had, and almost definitely for a lot longer. Instead of killing him, I should be helping him. He was an ally, a friend, I realized.

    "What are you doing?" Doctor White snapped from behind me. I turned to face him, growling. This old man had nearly turned me into a cold-hearted killer twice now - once when he tried to brainwash me, and once again when he asked me to kill this Genesect. No, I've had enough of it.

    I heard the other Genesect stir behind me, and I turned and offered him my hand - a dangerous move if he was truly brainwashed. However, I had faith - faith that there was still a sentient Pokemon within him that wanted out.

    He stared at my hand for a moment, and then grabbed it. I pulled him up, and stared him straight in the eyes. He stared back. Suddenly, something in him changed. There was a spark in his eyes, and then he fell to his knees.

    "No... No! Don't tell me you just..." Doctor White's voice trailed off weakly. Well, that was understandable. Things must have taken an unpleasant turn from his perspective. He had thought that I had been "tamed", just like his other Genesect. However, after our battle, it became apparent that I wasn't tamed. Now, it seemed I had broken his control over the other Genesect as well (though technically, he never had me completely brainwashed).

    As I helped the other Genesect back up to his feet, he turned his head to face mine. There was something different about him. His body language was more friendly than it had been earlier. There was something in his eyes that hadn't been there earlier... It looked an awful lot like compassion.

    Meanwhile, Doctor White was having a mental breakdown. I had ruined an experiment he had probably worked on for years, if not decades. Given what he had done to me, it was a pleasant feeling. Still, I wasn't done with him quite yet.

    As soon as the other Genesect was on his feet, he made a clicking sound with his mouth. Though it was not a sound I had ever heard before, I understood it for some reason. It must have been our language.

    "Let's get him," the other Genesect had said.

    There was nothing more that needed to be said. We turned to face Doctor White, and he stared back nervously. We ran towards him in unison, and slammed him into the wall.

    "Uck..." he groaned, spitting out some blood before falling to the ground.

    "What have you done to us?" the other Genesect asked him in a calm but threatening tone.

    I stared at him, astonished. He knew the human language! [strike]What else could he do?[/strike] However, it was probably yet another thing attributed to his time spent as a Genesect - I expected he must've picked up the language somehow alongside Doctor White. As a matter of fact, it was plausible that Doctor White had implemented the gift of human speech into his system. However, it wasn't something that particularly interested me at the moment.

    "I asked you a question. Answer me!" Genesect pierced the back of Doctor White's lab coat with a sharp, spear-like appendage, and held him in front of his own face.

    Doctor White spat out some blood. His face was bruised and bloody, but the old man smiled nonetheless. A tooth was missing, I noticed.

    "You want to know? Bah! I won't tell you... Go ahead and kill me. This experiment has failed, and I have nothing left to live for..."

    The other Genesect growled, and looked at me.

    "We'll have to torture the answers out of him," he clicked in our dialect. He adjusted his grip on Doctor White so he had him in a full nelson, and continued, "Stab him in the chest."

    I nodded, looking at my pointed, needle-like arms. This was going to be a brutal act, but I felt no qualms about it. As Doctor White eyed me, I sank my right arm into his chest, followed quickly by my left arm.

    As I pulled my arms out of Doctor White, the old man coughed. He spat out more blood, and there was even more blood pouring from where I had stabbed him. Genesect asked, "Enough?"

    Laughing maniacally, he simply shook his head. Genesect motioned for me to continue, and I stabbed him once again.

    Doctor White shook his head once again. He was an incredibly resilient man. I didn't want to do stab him anymore however - I feared that I would kill him. He was already losing blood at a rapid pace, and I figured he had hours to live. We still needed answers, and we couldn't afford to kill him.

    The other Genesect knew this too, apparently. Instead of asking me to continue stabbing Doctor White, he lifted the professor, and slammed him down to the ground.

    "Tell me what I want to know, you bastard!" Genesect screamed at the downed old man. I saw a light glowing from his Photon Blaster, and I realized it was a Techno Blast charging up. He was losing his mind!

    "Don't kill him!" I exclaimed in our dialect, "He's our only way back to the way we were!"

    The other Genesect hesitated. As my words sank in, his Techno Blast faded away. Calmly, Genesect squatted down so his face hovered over Doctor White's.

    "This is what we're going to do," he said calmly to the old man. Looking at his arm, he continued, "I am going to let you tell me what I want to know. Every time you say no, I'm going to slowly cut off an arm or a leg. It's not going to kill you, but it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt bad."

    Doctor White smiled. He opened his mouth to say something, but Genesect didn't let him. Instead, he sent his knife-like hand into Doctor White's shoulder joint. Doctor White screamed as Genesect calmly sawed away at his arm. Even I had to avert my eyes - it was just horrible.

    "Alright, is that enough?" Genesect asked in a sinister tone. I looked at Doctor White.

    His right arm and shoulder were a bloody mess. However, I could clearly see that they were seperated. There was a painful expression on Doctor White's face - one that was undescribable. It was blatantly obvious, however, the pain the man was in.

    "Now, tell me what I want to know. What have you done to us, and how can we reverse it?" Genesect asked, gently pressing his sharp hand on Doctor White's right leg.

    Doctor White gulped. He was going into shock - I was surprised he had been strong enough to last this long, to be honest. This wasn't going to work...

    "Uh, uh..." Doctor White mumbled. His remaining hand was shaking, but it was clearly pointing at Genesect's cannon. And with that, he fainted.

    "Damnit!" Genesect roared, stabbing his hand into the ground in frustration. Doctor White was done for, it was obvious. Our plan had failed, and it seemed we were stuck this way forever.

    Despair overwhelmed me - I would be a monster for the rest of my life. I would miss out on all the things my peers would get to enjoy. Back home, my family was probably worried sick about me. I figured they were desperately looking for me, and it was a horrible thought as I knew they would never see me again. Anybody that did see me would think of me as a monster - they would want nothing to do with me. They would have good reason to, given what I was and will be for the rest of my life.

    My mind wandered to recent events. As I mentally recapped everything that had happened up until now, I realized something. Just before he had died, Doctor White had pointed at Genesect's Photon Blaster. What had he been trying to say? He probably just wanted a quick and painless death from Genesect, but that didn't seem entirely logical to me. His body language had made it seem as though he had been trying to say something to us instead of asking for death.

    I studied the Photon Blaster on Genesect's back closely. It was an unusual dome shape. It was large too - large enough to hold a small Pokemon, I realized. Something didn't look right about the Photon Blaster - there was no need for it to be so big and crudely shaped.

    Then, I realized the Photon Blaster was only part of the contraption on Genesect's back. Part of the Photon Blaster was certainly that - the Photon Blaster. However, the Photon Blaster was attached to the large dome - a part I had previously thought was part of the cannon. As I looked closer, there were indeed many wires connecting the two - wires that shouldn't have been there if they had been one machine. Instead, the large dome must have served some other purpose. Only one made sense to me - to house the real body of the Pokemon trapped within Genesect's body. It was perfectly logical - I had been a small Pokemon before I was Genesect, and I would fit into the dome. If my suspicions were correct, the real Pokemon within Genesect would've been small enough to fit inside the dome as well.

    There was a hunger in my mind - a hunger to escape. I knew where I was trapped within this body, and all I had to do was get out. However, it wasn't that simple. How did I get out? These thoughts raced through my mind, and I looked at the other Genesect. He was turned away from me, slumped in despair as I had been just moments ago. I had a theory about how to get out, and experimenting on this unsuspecting Genesect could confirm my theory and get me one step closer to returning to what I had been.

    Without any pity whatsoever for the other Genesect, I suddenly stabbed my two arms into his Photon Blaster. I felt him react, but he was too slow. I ripped the Photon Blaster off of the dome it had rested upon, and I felt the other Genesect crumple as he fell unconscious.

    With the Photon Blaster gone, there was just a simple dome on Genesect's back. Presumably, the Pokemon within Genesect's body was in that dome. With the tip of my spear-like hand, I carefully cut a large hole in the metal. Then I tilted Genesect's body so that the contents of the dome could fall out.

    First, a greenish liquid poured out. It was a clear liquid, and yet it was not as slippery as water. It slowly oozed out of the dome, and I could see electric sparks coursing through the mysterious substance.

    Eventually, I saw a Pokemon's body pour out. It was a small, pale green body. The Pokemon was unconscious, but there was a mean look in the way his eyes rested. A large horn grew from the top of his head, and his chest was a dark red. I recognized the Pokemon as a Larvitar.

    Embedded in the Larvitar's body were multiple wires - those wires stretched back into the dome. He would have to deal with those. So would I, I realized.

    If I was still alive when I came out, that is.

    The realization coursed through my mind. By removing myself from the dome, I could potentially be killing myself. As a matter of fact, I may have already killed the Larvitar - I didn't know.

    Was it a risk I was willing to take? I thought it over in my mind. Death was not particularly appealing... However, living a life in this monstrous form was not a pleasant idea as well. Grimly, I decided to risk it. I figured it was better to die than to live like this anyways.

    I took a deep breath, preparing myself. Doing this would be difficult if I fell unconscious the moment the Photon Blaster was removed as Larvitar had. I would have to remain conscious, or else this would not work.

    I stabbed myself, my arms embedding themselves into my Photon Blaster. With great difficulty, I wrenched it off. It had been painful the moment I had penetrated the Photon Blaster - though it was mechanical, it was still a part of this body, and this was technically my body, or at least a body I was trapped within. However, when I yanked off the Photon Blaster, things became worse immediately. I screamed - the pain was too much. I couldn't black out, however - who knows what would happen? Struggling, I stuck the tips of my arms into my dome as I had done to Larvitar's dome. I could feel my consciousness fading away, but I managed to cut a hole open within the dome.

    At that point, the unconsciousness forced itself upon me. The last thing in my mind was returning to what I had been: a Ferroseed.
    Last edited by Nitro; 25th July 2011 at 05:53 PM.


    [18:11] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) nitro, you in here?
    [18:11] Nitro: hello
    [18:12] [Ranger Alliance]: (webdragoon1337) knew there was another cool guy in here

    [URPG Chat]
    3:44:43 (silverxchrome) Nitro is attractive. Source: I'm a girl.

  2. #2
    He Sees You... Dog of Hellsing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Genesect [Not for the faint of heart]

    Sorry this took so long to get up, work has been kinda kicking my ass the past few days @__@...

    A perfect example of how an introduction doesn’t have to go over the top to catch a person’s attention and hold it. Granted, the whole “created a monster” thing is kind of clichéd, but it still works because it keeps the reader, well, reading. After all, even though it’s somewhat clichéd, we still want to know exactly what’s going on here. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a good monster story?

    Next time, though, you may want to transition a little slower from the introduction into the main story. It seemed like it moved too fast, at least in my opinion. Why did Genesect attack Doctor White in the first place. After the initial attack you say it was angry, but what made it mad? I’m not saying you had to explain everything here; maybe just like some foreshadowing. Maybe Genesect could tell this person somehow did something bad to him?

    It seems, though, that the part where Doctor White used some remote to knock out Genesect was the rough part of the transition. By the time he uses it Genesect is already exhausted, so knocking him out in that manner seemed a bit…overkill. Perhaps Genesect could have broken his bonds but still become fatigued; however since he was free, he still posed a threat to Doctor White, and at that time it would make more sense to knock out a potentially dangerous creature.

    All in all, though, it was enough.


    I like the idea behind this story, but something about it confuses me, something that, at some point, should be explained to prevent such confusion. Basically, I couldn’t tell if a) the Pokemon were being placed in Genesect cannons and were controlling the actual Genesect, b) if the Pokemon themselves, via some genetic manipulation, were turned into Genesect and their the remains of their old bodies placed in protective shells, or c) if the Pokemon were placed in a kind of mobile suit that was formed after a Genesect. The first and third options seem more likely, though the fact that removing the Pokemon from the cannon might kill them (or at least cripples them to the point of being considered dead) makes the second a possibility as well.

    On top of that, we never really learn White’s reasons for doing what he did. Was it a personal goal? Was he being paid for his work? Was it secret government research? The only hint you give is that the experiment has failed…but what experiment? Why were ordinary Pokemon being subjected to this? Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I expected White to ramble on about his plans like the clichéd movie villain who just likes to hear himself talk about his evil plans. However, there’s always the possibility that the two rogue Genesect could have gone on a bit of a killing spree and come across some paperwork, or maybe an unlocked computer…maybe even a terrified lab assistant who would be more than willing to tell the two Pokemon what had been done to them in exchange for his life.

    I also have a bit of a problem with the realism in this. For one, Doctor White was beaten up pretty badly before giving up the ghost. Really, he should have been done for after getting smashed into a wall, stabbed several times and then bashed into the floor. Actually, the stabbing would have probably finished him; your heart and lungs take up a fair amount of space in your chest, and it’s unlikely that Genesect would have missed any of those organs by sheer chance. Even if he had, Genesect have fairly large arms (about the size of a human’s), and shoving them into a person’s chest would probably make wounds so big they would have most likely caused the victim to bleed to death in a couple of seconds.

    Also, how could Genesect version 1.0 (lol) speak the human language? Was he given a voice box of some kind, or a radio controlled by his willpower? It seems that it was simply thrown in for convenience to be honest, and that could have been avoided by a quick explanation. Again, a voice box of some kind attached to the Pokemon’s throat, or something of the like.

    One other thing; Genesect don’t have hands, just arms that end in those sharp stab-y pokey things lol.


    Meh, good enough for a Ferroseed lol.


    For a Hard level Pokemon, the description was lacking, to be honest. You gave us a lot of basic visual description, but there were plenty of times when you could have fleshed things out to give us a better mental image of what was going on. Doctor White, for example. I only see him as a generic white man, nothing very special about him at all. Was he a skinny, frail-looking man, or, despite his age, did he still look fit and healthy? Was he Caucasian, Hispanic, African American, Indian? What did his hair look like?

    On top of that, there was really nothing in the way of other sensory descriptions. How did Doctor White’s voice sound? Was the room where Genesect fought that horde of Pokemon hot or cold? Could Genesect still smell things, or did he have no nose with which to smell (as insects generally use their feet or antanne to smell/taste things with)?

    The more you tell us, the better we can picture the scene, and when we can really imagine it, it lets us care more about the characters and what’s going on in general. It also has more of an impact on the reader’s emotions when you really want to convey things like terror or anger . On the other hand, when there are very few details for us to go on, it’s harder to get an idea of what things are like, and when it’s left up to us to decide these things, it can make a story boring or uninteresting (as most people will fill in the blanks with generic things, such as I did with Doctor White).

    This also includes the use of imagery, comparisons, contrasts, and the like. Metaphors and similes can make a story more exciting just by the inventive words used to explain how something is. Saying "the apple is red" is kind of boring compared to "the apple is a vivid crimson hue". Sure, it means the same thing, but the latter is more lively, more engaging. And hey, that's what people read for, to be engaged. Kind of like...uh...things that need to be engaged? You know what never mind, that turned out horribly XD.


    Considering the size of the story I didn’t see too many issues here, so let’s go ahead and get this section knocked out:

    The only part of the small laboratory that was lit up was the medical table in which his product rested.
    *”In” should be “on”. Otherwise it sounds as though Genesect is actually inside the table lol.

    There was nowhere to escape.
    *This makes the statement sound like the complete opposite of what you’re trying to say; instead of making it clear Genesect wants to get away, this sound like he not in a place or situation he wants to get away from. It should be worded “There was nowhere to escape to”.

    It hurt. Bad. My ears were in pain. My brain was in pain. I screamed. A lot. I fell to my knees. I knew I had to get it to stop. I couldn't think straight, however. I realized they must be watching me, and I looked at the mirror. It must've been one of those mirrors that was also a window depending on which side you looked at it. There were no cameras in the room - there was nothing at all in it.
    *You did this with multiple paragraphs. What’s “this”, you ask? Basically, you have a lot of very fragments hanging around, and while this can be a useful tactic in certain cases, if it’s overused it just makes your sentences sound too short. In turn this can interrupt the flow of the sentence and make paragraphs feel awkward. In this particular case, you could have built the paragraph like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    It hurt, and quite badly at that. My ears were in pain, my brain in agony. Screaming raggedly, I collapsed to my knees, knowing I had to get the pain to stop. However, the haze of anguish kept me from thinking straight. A tiny part of my mind realized I was probably being watched, and somehow I managed to focus on the mirror on the wall. I’d never seen one, but I’d heard of mirrors that could also be a window, depending on what side you were standing on. This was most likely one of those, and I was on the mirror side; I couldn’t see anything on the other side, only what was reflected in the room I occupied.
    Obviously I’m not saying you have to have worded it exactly like that, but you can see I have a good mix of shorter sentences and longer ones. You never want a story to contain too many sentences of a particular length; too many short sentences and your story feels, again, like a child’s book. Too many long sentences and you start having mile-long run-on sentences, dozens of comma splices, and a story that sounds like a medical textbook. You want to have a solid combination of the two, which will give the best feel to your story and not make it jarring and awkward to read.

    "This is the Version 1 Genesect. Like you, he is completely tamed (at this, my heart started to beat a little faster).
    *Everything in the parentheses should be its own sentence that’s separate from the dialogue. As it is now, this is telling us Doctor White’s heart is beating faster, since his dialogue was never ended before you added this statement. That being said, it should look something more like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    "This is the Verizon 1 Genesect, who is, like you, completely tamed.” Upon hearing this, my heart started to beat a little faster.
    The only other thing I noticed was the fact that you split up your paragraphs quite often. Generally you only need to start a new paragraph when starting a new idea or when dialogue between two or more characters is taking place. There are certain places in the story where paragraphs could have been combined instead of separated. An example would be here:

    I heard the other Genesect stir behind me, and I turned and offered him my hand - a dangerous move if he was truly brainwashed. However, I had faith - faith that there was still a sentient Pokemon within him that wanted out.

    He stared at my hand for a moment, and then grabbed it. I pulled him up, and stared him straight in the eyes. He stared back. Suddenly, something in him changed. There was a spark in his eyes, and then he fell to his knees.

    These two paragraphs can be combined as the second one is still following the idea of the first; that the main character is offering assistance to the other Genesect in getting up and no longer being a slave to to Doctor White. The wording would need to be altered just a bit in order for it to sound right, but having too many short paragraphs is kind of the same as having too many short sentences. It makes the story look more simple than it really is, which can take away from the reading a bit for some people. Again, you never want paragraphs that stretch on for entire pages, as readers do need a break between paragraphs (really, how many people like reading huge walls of text that make their eyes bleed? XD), so again, try to mix up the lengths between short and long to get the best flow for the story. Of course, if you’re ever writing a story where it’s SUPPOSED to have a story-book feel to it, then totally disregard this and make very short sentences and paragraphs lol

    Other than these things, there were a few other minor errors that I think were done in accident and therefore probably don’t need mentioned. Pretty good job on your part, I love stories where there aren’t many grammatical errors, but hey, I is a Grammar Nazi, so ^^’.


    Not really a battle, per se. It was sort of interesting to see these two relying more on physical strength and experience than SPAMing their various moves. However, I would have liked to have seen a bit more going on here. Maybe not so much in the way of moves, but perhaps a mention of Ability being used; perhaps the main character’s upgrades could have included something to let his Download Ability raise both of his attack stats instead of just the one that corresponded to the lower defense stat of his foe? After all, battles aren’t just comprised of traded blows. Other things can influence them; Abilities, Natures, Personalities, and the environment. Granted, there wasn’t much in the way of environment that you could have used here, but it’s always a nice factor to keep in mind.

    Also, don’t forget to give us descriptions of the battle. How did certain things sound, for example? The charging of a Techno Blast would probably have some kind of noise associated with it. How did an attack feel when it hit? Was it painful, cold, or hot? Did it burn or sting? Did it have any sensation at all? Things like this help us get into the swing and mood of the battle.


    I liked the idea behind the story and your grammar/spelling was pretty good. The story is more than long enough and the battle, while a bit short and restricted, was still interesting because of the reliance on physical, non-Pokemon-attack style.

    Unfortunately, the flaws in the plot, combined with the all-around lack of details, conspires against you. The biggest thing about this is the fact that your target Pokemon is only mentioned once, and only at the very end of the story. Yes, I know you mentioned that it was done on purpose, but for a Pokemon of this level, Ferroseed really needs to have more of an appearance in this other than a very brief mention at the end, especially when that mention seems more like an after-thought than anything else. The best place to put something like that would have been after Genesect was knocked out because of the device White used on him. Perhaps he could have had a dream about a family of Ferroseed or something. It doesn’t have to be something that makes it obvious that Genesect is actually a Ferroseed, mind you. Just a couple of paragraphs were Ferroseed was mentioned, for whatever reason, would suffice here.

    That being said, I’m sorry to say Ferroseed Not Captured. Toss in some description, clear up one or two of those plot holes (how Genesect version 1.0 could speak would be a good one), and make a longer mention of Ferroseed for me, and it’ll be yours. PM me when you’re ready for the regrade.

    Also, I’m SO EFFING SORRY (again) that it took me so long to post this. It’s been a serious FML week @__@.

  3. #3
    He Sees You... Dog of Hellsing's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
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    Default Re: Genesect [Not for the faint of heart]

    All right, let's see here.

    Well, the explanation for how Genesect could talk was a bit vague, but at least it's something lol.

    I would have liked to see more direct mention of Ferroseed, but even though it was vague you did still add something about it. Still kinda borderline here but I'll give it to you this one time.

    Could have done with more description, honestly, but I'll settle for what's here.

    In the future make sure your target is mentioned more than just in passing and try to work in more details and such, and not just visual ones either.

    Ferroseed Captured.


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