That Generic Pokemon Story

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  1. #1
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    Default That Generic Pokemon Story

    “I’m going to go catch me a Pokémon today,’ said the Pokémon trainer.

    It was bright and sunny out in Vermillion City as Fred entered the city. People were crowding around the Pokémon Center in a panic so he decided to go see what was up. Apparently there had been some sort of accident as there were both people and Pokémon being brought in via stretcher. Running up to the crowd, he peaked through to see what was happening, He wasn’t all that big. Fourteen years old, short black hair and glasses. He squeezed his way through and saw that there were antidotes being brought in as well. Poking an old man’s shoulder, he
    inquired what had happened.

    “Oh well some young folks were down at the docks, partying and what not, before being attacked by something. Not sure what it was but they had some real nasty poison wounds. Third time this month too,” he said as he gave a very sympathetic look.

    “Hmm that’s very strange. Thank you for the help old man!” Fred said as he ran off, waving to the man. The man stuttered and yelled at him, waving his cane.

    “I am not old!”

    Heading to the docks, he found that not many people where around, only a lone fisherman casting his line like nothing had happened. He wore the standard orange vest and hat while his black rubber boots contrasted greatly. He reached into his tackle box and grabbed a lure to attach to the hook. The trainer wasn’t sure what his deal was but he approached him anyway. The footsteps on the docks where audible so the fisherman turned around, giving the trainer a light smile.

    “So are you here to catch the ‘Mystery Pokémon’? That’s what everybody is calling it,” he said, humming a tune while he spoke.
    The boy pulled out his PokeDex and started looking up types. It had to be a poison type since the victims had poisonings so that narrowed it down quite a bit. He thought that since they were docks it was possibly a water type too. Water and Poison. He set the commands into the Dex and it began finding matches. It brought up Pokémon that learned Toxic or poison moves. Fred went through the list and found that one Pokémon had a typing of Water and Poison. Tentacool. This would make the most sense and they have been documented to be sighted around this area.

    “So do you have an extra rod I can use?”

    “Nah but if you got to the fishing store at the end of the first street my brother is on duty, he’ll be inside. Just pick out something and I’ll cover the fee,”

    “Sweet! Thanks old timer,” he said as her ran off, leaving a disheveled fisher man looking at him oddly.

    After walking the street for a few minutes he came across the fishing shop that fisherman talked about. Upon entering the establishment, Fred found that the fisherman looked exactly like his brother. Height. Facial structures, everything was similar. He slowly approached the counter and began speaking to the trainer.

    “So what can I get you?”

    “So I was talking to your brother and he I could get a fishing rod here and he’ll pick up on the fee,” the trainer said as he looked at the myriad of rods on the wall. He found one that seemed fairly hi tech, very advanced as well. This could be what he needed. Grabbing the Super Rod from its hook and a Tentacool lure, he went to the counter and set the gear on the counter. The man rang the items up and sent him off.
    With his new gear ready, Fred was ready to catch this Tentacool.

    Heading back to the docks, Fred found the fisherman at the far end of the dock, drinking a beer while his fishing pole was routed in a stand. The trainer figured he wanted to get some rest while he did some fishing. Walking up next to him, he sat down and cast his line into the water. Smiling, he waited. The life of a fisherman was supposed to be one of patience and diligence. The person who said that must have been old. Watching the placid waters, he wondered if this would be easy or hard. He was only a starting trainer and only had two Pokémon but that should be more than enough. Squirtle could handle any water type while Pikachu could just zap it into submission. He was prepared. Suddenly he felt a tugging on his line and a long whirring sound coming from the line being pulled. He pulled his rod back as the fisherman watched. This thing wasn’t going to give up easily. Tugging once more on the rod, he pulled as hard as he could and a loud splash came from the water.

    Out from the water and attached to the line as a Tentacool, squirming around wildly. The trainer and the fisherman looked at the jellyfish oddly and wondered. Suddenly the Tentacool sprang up, balancing itself on its tentacles. Both were in shock but immediately threw his Pokeball and summoned his Pikachu. The little spark mouse jumped up and down hyperactively as it awaited orders from its master. The Tentacool used Poison Sting, firing purple darts at the Pikachu but it was running circles
    around the Tentacool.

    “Wow...I guess being hyperactive has its good points. Thundershock attack!”

    The Pikachu released massive bolts of electricity at the Tentacool and paralyzed it badly. Sparks surrounded it as it struggled to move. It winced and raised its body and summoned a massive wave that flowed towards them. The trainer panicked but then he remembered Pikachu’s strongest move.

    “Thunder!”

    The Pikachu had raised its stubby little hands to the sky and summoned a massive bolt of lightning down from the sky. It directly hit the Tentacool, sending it in a daze. Fred grabbed a PokeBall from his belt and expanded it by pressing the white circle in the middle. Rearing back, he threw it and sucked it in with a flash of red light. The ball shook Once..Twice..Thrice…

  2. #2
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    Default Re: That Generic Pokemon Story

    claim because I can

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    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: That Generic Pokemon Story

    Unclaiming.

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    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: That Generic Pokemon Story

    Claimed for grading.

    ... and I'll try not to kill myself when I see a grammar error that I've pointed out to you before.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: That Generic Pokemon Story

    Excuse the frivolity within this grade. I'm feeling Christmassy today.
    Introduction: Your introduction was about as exciting as a sock. Sure, it's great that he's going to go catch a Pokémon, but the thing to think about is... why? I'm pretty sure people don't just spontaneously decide to do things. Oh, but wait! Drama! Someone has just been brought by on a stretcher, followed by other people and even Pokémon. What could have happened, asks the reader? This is where your introduction swiftly turns into something decent, that at least makes an attempt to grab the reader's attention and makes them care enough to keep reading. After all, who wouldn't want to find out exactly what happened to these severely injured people? That last sentence was sarcasm, by the way - you haven't conjured up enough description or emotion to make anyone care about the people and Pokémon. Try to at least give some kind of appeal from the people (and by that no-one wants them crying out, "SAVE MEH!!1ELEVEN!2". You should aim to describe their bad condition more, and how people may have been worried for them, etc. I'm sure you can come up with a solution.)

    Also, poking an old man in the shoulder is something I wouldn't recommend to get a positive response. He'd more likely be annoyed, but I guess the people in your story are quite cheerful! All in all, adequate for a Simple-rank Pokémon.

    Plot: I think I've gone over this a tiny bit; Fred randomly decides to capture a Pokémon, walks into Vermillion, sees people dying and crap, then decides to get to the root of the problem. Who knows, it might just get him a Pokémon? That would be just what he wants! What is strange is that, by the time Fred arrives at the docks, the attacker has already been identified as a Pokémon and has also gained itself the title of the "Mystery Pokémon". This jump makes it seem a bit too unconvincing of a story, and the little tension that you've built up will drop if people notice the same mistake. Fred's detective skills are great, by the way. What can cause poisonings and lives in water? Of course, Tentacool! I'm surprised that Fred didn't think of Tentacruel first, as they seem to be the more aggressive of the Tentacool line. /shrug.

    Also, they were "documented" to have lived near that area. By whom? Allah? Fred? Tentacool themselves? Other holes appeared too; why wasn't the brother on duty the least bit suspicious when Fred turned up out of the blue and asked for a rod, the expenses of which to be covered by the other brother? Fred could have been a potential thief. Check through stories in the future for these kinds of errors.

    Grammar/spelling: I don't even want to grade this section. You don't ever actually take into account what people are saying here, imo. But sure, let's fix your grammar for the sake of it. I'll be quoting things from past grades of mine for you:

    First, we'll talk about your use of commas and their appropriate use. So, we have these things called clauses. Independent clauses are ones which can stand okay in a sentence by themselves, as they just involve the subject and a verb. Example: My dog likes pizza crusts. 'Dog' is the subject and 'like' is the verb. A dependent clause is one which is an incomplete thought, and cannot be left in a sentence on its own. Example: Because of this. Two dependent clauses can be joined together, and a dependent clause can be joined onto an independent one. We'll take this into one of your sentences to see the difference.
    Dialogue errors - not too many, but something to get your attention. Split dialogue up into their own separate paragraphs, because in some places you've had them squashed together, which detracts from your story's layout. Secondly, when addressing someone in speech, put a comma before/after their name. Thirdly, if someone asks a question or exclaims something, the pronoun of the thing which is speaking is not capitalised unless it's a proper noun, seeing as the sentence doesn't end with the dialogue. Lastly, a comma is used when someone is described as actually speaking, but a full stop is used when someone's speaking, but you don't describe them with an actual dialogue tag.
    If you at least take those points into consideration in your next story, then I will be pleased and happy for you. The main thing with grammar and spelling is to know what you're doing, check over it and check over it again. If you're really stuck for help, ask someone to help you proofread. In time, you'll learn.

    Detail/description: Try to include some better description, using more advanced vocabulary. Usually, poison emits a very particular scent - you can use this to your advantage with description. We have no idea how the world around Fred smells and feels - in fact, we barely have an idea of how the world looks. You've gone for minimal description within the story, and it's plain - you're basically doing the "A was in B with C doing D" thing. While not only making the story boring and uninteresting, the reader will lose out on what's going on, and your plot simply can't move as well without fleshed-out descriptions. I think that I've pointed the importance of description out to you enough, and even if you haven't taken it to heart, I can at least tell you again.

    Think of everything in your story - if it's appropriate, describe it with the necessary terms. What did the poison wounds look like? What did the various old men look like, or even smell like? Was the Pikachu owned by Fred a simple blob that had hands? What were the sights at the dock like, and did it smell like the seaside? What did the rod feel like? These are a couple of questions that can get you thinking, and hopefully you can fix this as time goes on as well.

    Length: 5,646 according to my character count thing. You're over, but only just. ._.

    Outcome: I let you get away with things too easily. Tentacool is captured. Please read over the grade and THINK about what you're writing. Rushed stories really don't get anywhere.

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