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Thread: Garswoop

  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Garswoop

    Target: Gligar
    Length: 23270

    Rainbow Canyon Chronicles: Enter Lao!

    Garswoop Village

    In a small village, deep within the Rainbow Canyon region existed a village known as Garswoop Village, which was known best for its sandy terrain and rocky houses. Garswoop supplied many bricks and stone to build houses across the Rainbow Canyon. The manufactured houses were very successful and cured many shelter problems.

    Garswoop was full of houses made out of grey, rocky stone, which were built by the village. Legend believed that the population was created centuries ago from people who lived in the tainted, dark caves nearby. It was said that these caves lived with certain Pokemon and eventually had a brawl and were forced out. Therefore, the villagers stumbled across a quarry and started to build up their new homes. Warm water poured rapidly in the sandy floor from springs, which cooled down the villagers from sweltered heat. The warmth of the village steamed the residents a lot in the past, until they built the springs many years ago. The community was not a desert, however a rocky, quarry that was surrounded by trees.

    A tall, brown mountain full of trees stood high in the centre of the village. When following the neatly, paved pathway it led to a monument, which looked over the village. This brightly, lit shrine was dedicated to the original founder of Garswoop, but shrouded in mystery… Next to the carved in stone shrine had two bushy, green trees next to it with two flickered candles on the peak of them. The tiny, flames never blew out because the founder watched over the village… or legend had it. The founder of Garswoop had a trusty Pokemon partner, which nobody ever discovered its whereabouts. Many researchers of the quarry searched the caves, the monument, and the trees for clues of this Pokemon. However, it was a lot of wasted efforts because it was never spotted in the rocky canyon.

    Meanwhile, not far from Garswoop village was a trainee Ninja Trainer who wanted to be the best Poison Pokemon trainer. Therefore, training Poison Pokemon was his pastime favourite. The ninja apprentice was called Lao. Lao was quite short and wore a dark, purple jumper with a bright, grey skull on it. Similarly, he wore purple shorts, which came down to his bumpy knees. Lao shook his brown haired head quickly and his crimson bandana flickered violently with him.

    “Wow, the famous Garswoop Village up ahead!” Lao gleamed and tossed his fist into the cold air. Lao walked slowly across a rocky pathway, which led down a steep hill. The steep hill had hot temperatures that flushed in the direction of Lao. Lao squirmed for a moment. The sand appeared to be quick sand, one false move and it was a sticky situation. The ninja trainer knew all about his surroundings and knew how to inflict pain onto Pokemon. Lao rested behind a brute like pebbled rock, and crossed his legs.

    “This is a perfect resting spot,” Lao said to himself as he closed his blue eyes. “I and my Pokemon are tired from that last battle.” Lao had battled his cousin not so far from here and there was no Pokemon Centre, except Garswoop Village. Therefore, the ninja’s Pokemon friends were quite tired and needed medical attention.

    His female cousin was also a Poison Pokemon expert who had acted as Lao’s teacher from when he was a child. They had great relationships with each other in the past… until recently when they both had heard about the mystery of Garswoop. They had an argument who was the best Poison trainer and his cousin had a very bad temper. Therefore, she tore off in the direction of Garswoop Village.

    “It makes me so mad when my cousin beats me every time,” Lao grunted to himself behind the crusted rock. He slowly opened his eyelids and gleamed towards the bright, blue sky. He thought about Garswoop Village and the rumours of how it was founded. Lao had heard that the founder had a relation to Ground-type Pokemon as if they were his favourite. However, the information was unconfirmed.

    “Time to check this junk out,” Lao yawned and stretched up. The ninja apprentice walked from behind the rocky stone and slowly crept silently in the direction of Garswoop. Lao wanted to go to Garswoop to discover the mystery of the attacks that had recently occurred. “I am a ninja nothing scares me!” He patted his own brown haired head and dashed quickly down the steep, sandy hill. Lao’s brown sandals clopped silently as he speedily went down the hill and as he ran he saw something ahead.

    “STOP RIGHT THERE!” a fierce voice shouted and echoed across the mountain like hill. Lao’s eyes pierced and he applied his breaks… His sandals were torn up in the grainy sand. They fell off his ninja feet and were broken to pieces. The ninja boy was so frustrated he went to smack a nearby hard rock. However, he looked around the sandy hill and noticed nothing peculiar. Perhaps it was a bird.

    “What was that?” Lao said quietly to himself. The Poison Pokemon lover grabbed some spare black, sandals from his purple back pack, and slotted them onto his small feet. Lao soon put a spring into his step and dashed in the direction of the stone built community. However, nearby in the gritty, yellow sand was a creature that popped up their sharp, purple ears. The ears waggled slightly and then the being submerged back into the sand.

    Lao had finally reached the entrance of Garswoop Village. Near the entrance of the village were a number of murky looking caves, which had signs around them saying. “Beware of Danger.” Lao placed his hand to his chin and wondered what danger lies within the murky caves. The entrance to the quarry community had a manual rocky archway, with a carved stone statue that said the village’s name. Lao walked through the stone access. The ninja apprentice saw a number of workers that repaired the destructed houses.

    “I am sick of rebuilding our artworks!” a voice shouted. “Every time we rebuild them someone keepings knocking things down!” The voice came from a giant worker who had such a frustrated look on his beefed up face. He stood next to some medium, built up, rocky houses, which had shattered windows and some removed stones. Therefore, something or someone had sabotaged the houses.

    “Is everything okay?” Lao, asked the beefed up builder. Lao walked over across the grainy floor next to the coated worker. The worker had a large yellow coat and dark, grey trousers, which were covered in dust. He also wore a sparkled, brown hard hat.

    “NO. NOTHING IS OKAY AND NOW BUZZ OFF IT DOES NOT CONCERN YOU!” The worker shouted angrily whilst hot air burst out of his big ears. He slammed his worn down pick axe to the sandy ground and stomped off. The beefy worker stomped in the direction of a nearby “Garswoop Café.” Lao was so shocked on being shouted at that he spoke to the other workers. He saw one worker sat on a rock by himself.

    “This work is getting tough on my back,” the worker said to himself. This worker was known as Jay, which read off his small badge on his brown coat. Jay’s grey hardhat lay on the floor as he sat down on a smooth rock. The hard worker had been depressed lately due to all this work he had rebuilt. Jay’s yellow outfit had pockets filled with complaint forms. Most of these complaints were building repairs throughout the village that needed the attention.

    “’Ello Govner. Is everything jolly today?” Lao walked over and, said. Lao looked at Jay in the eyes and noticed he was worried. “You seem distracted...” The ninja trainer placed his hand out on the worker’s back and rubbed his back. Jay’s back clicked a little and felt good as new.

    “Wow! You fixed my back,” Jay shouted, with joy. “How can I repay you?” Jay stood up from the rock he was sat on and shook Lao’s hand. Lao seemed quite happy as he helped. For a ninja trainer he was quite soft inside.

    “There is one thing…” Lao said, whilst he thought. “What keeps happening to these buildings?” Lao looked at the house next to them, which had crunched up, missing roof tiles. It looked like something had destroyed them intentionally. The sun illuminated across the Garswoop village and the boulder like houses shadowed over both Jay and Lao.

    “Some strange creature keeps destroying them at night,” Jay explained. “Even when we try to pounce on the creature it uses too much speed to be seen. It even out schools our Pokemon.” Jay looked worried again as all his hard work were damaged. The villager’s patience are grew very thin.

    “That means I must stake out Garswoop Village tonight!” Lao said, and clenched his fist. “My cousin went through the Village not so long ago. Perhaps she might know something.” Lao looked up into the bright sky and wondered what she knew about the area. Jay turned to Lao and was about to say something until rocks pebbled from the house they were stood by. Sharp rocks, stumbled down the side of the rocky building and thumped to the sandy floor.

    “This just depresses me that creature from the caves outside of the village is the reason this happening,” Jay said, whilst he viewed down at the churned up rocks. “Why would this creature do this to the village?” He stumbled slowly away and waved goodbye to Lao. Jay had to rest up and collect some workers to rebuild the remains of Garswoop.

    Lao slowly walked off and wonder if his cousin Sasha was still in the Village or not. The ninja boy quickly dashed across the grainy, sand whilst his crimson bandana flickered in the gale winds. He planned to confront this creature and prove he was a worthy ninja. This was the perfect opportunity to help out because he knew how fast Pokemon’s movements and similar to his Poison Pokemon’s training as well.

    “I need a place to rest up until night time,” Lao said, and thought to himself. “Perhaps, I will set my tent up near that stony statue near the entrance.” Lao was always a hand on trainer who loved to sleep outside in his tent under a moonlit sky. Similarly, his Pokemon prefer resting up under Lao’s tent as well whilst they recover from hard battles.

    Later that night, as the night had fallen and the sky sparkled brightly with the full moon. Shining stars glinted, peacefully over Garswoop Village. Below the moon high in the sky was Lao’s murky, green tent, which was tightly zipped. Inside the tent was Lao in his bright blue pyjamas under a giant, green duvet that was on top of a blue comfy, air bed.

    Next to Lao under the bedding was a purple creature fast asleep. It was a Grimer. Grimer is a purple pile of poisonous sludge with two arms that had hands with three fingers. It has saucer-like eyes and a gray mouth. This creature was associated with pollution. The poisonous sludge Pokemon was Lao’s starter Pokemon and they have battled together for a long time. Both Lao and his Grimer would spend hours training to be like a real ninja and knew easily how to defeat opponents.

    “Grimer, how are you feeling?” Lao worriedly said. Grimer opened up its purple eyelids and glanced at the ninja in pyjamas. The sludgy Pokemon nodded and seemed at full health. Grimer battled Lao’s cousin’s Pokemon yesterday and lost, miserably. The poison creature was upset, however wanted to prove itself once again.

    “Don’t worry, Grimer!” Lao said, and shouted. “We have an important mission to get stuck into. First we have to pack up our tent!” Grimer nodded happily and they both slithered quickly across the sandy floor. Lao got ready to pack up the tent; however Grimer felt mischievous. Suddenly, a toxic ball of sludge was vaporised over the tent and it dematerialized into nothing.

    “GRIMER THIS OUR ONE HUNDRETH TENT YOU HAVE DESTROYED! WHY DO THIS?” Lao shouted angrily and just left the dematerialized tent on the floor and walked past the grey, stoned entrance. Grimer slithered across the sand behind Lao and sniggered. The mission the ninja trainer had in mind was to stop this ‘damaged housing massacre.’

    “We are almost near the caves,” Lao whispered to Grimer as they walked through a lot of grainy sand, and many rocks. They sweated a little within the hot weather. They slithered quietly through the dark only with a little torchlight to guide the way. It was rumoured the evil creature attacked deep into the night. Grimer stopped suddenly and sensed something near the murky caves.

    “What is it Grimer?” Lao whispered again, to his sludge creature. “Is it the Pokemon?” Grimer nodded slowly and was quite worried. They both slowly entered the cave and Lao flashed the light inside it. The cave echoed with each step they stomped. Around the cave was murky rocks covered in moss and a sandy floor, which had not been touched properly for a while. The ninja trainer walked slowly deeper into the cavern and noticed a flash of light back towards him. Suddenly, the flash got closer and closer…

    “Oh no,” Lao screeched. “What is that?” Lao shut his eyes quickly and Grimer did too.

    “Oh it’s you!” a voice shouted loudly, which echoed across the dingy cavern. Lao opened his eyes slowly and peeked to the female figure. Her flashlight beamed brightly into the ninja boy’s face and blinded him for a moment. The blonde haired girl released the torch from her face and revealed her dark-purple hair.

    “Gina, what are you doing in this cave?” Lao asked his cousin. Gina was the ninja cousin of Lao who taught him about becoming a ninja and training Poison Pokemon. The ninja teacher wore a purple jumper and purple trousers, which matched her shiny, silver shoes. She had beaten Lao yesterday and was quite heated up she saw him.

    “I am here because I heard this where Garswoop first started off was in these caves. Therefore, the Founder must have left some clues behind.” Gina explained to Lao in a strong tone. The poison teacher turned around and browsed some of the rocks around the room. Gina knew that the rocks that made houses in the Village were from these caves, which means the strange, evil creature must know this.

    “What’s up Grimer?” Lao asked Grimer. The sludgy Pokemon sensed some pierced eyes that glared at it from across the murky cave. Gina just shook her head and explored the cave some more. Poison sludge shivered a little and realised Gina was in trouble. Grimer waved its purple arms violently around at Lao.

    “What is it?” Lao questioned. Grimer then quickly slithered in the direction of Gina across the murky shadows.

    “ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Gina screeched loudly, and echoed the caves. Small, sharp rocks pelted slowly down from the ceiling and crashed to the floor. Lao dashed speedily into another walkway, which seemed murkier than the others. The ninja trainer and his Grimer appeared in front of Gina. However, something was not right…

    “HELP ME!” She cried. On the cold, dingy ceiling was Gina trapped inside of giant, sharp rocks, which had been tightly shut together by something. Gina was so shocked by this that she passed out silently inside the rocky cage. A creature had used the move Rock Tomb and trapped her inside. Below the stone cage was her purple rucksack with all her Pokeballs inside and she was trapped from them. The ninja Trainer glanced up at his cousin Gina and was worried sick for her. Grimer slithered across the cold floor to assist Gina.

    “I don’t think so,” a mysterious voice cackled in the darkness of the cave. “I saw you come after me so I decided to play tricks on you.” The voice bounced off the walls and echoed into Lao’s ears. He squinted for a moment and worried where the voice came from.

    Suddenly, from the murky cave swept the evil creature. It was a Gligar, a small, purple bat-like Pokemon. It had blue wings, which are similar in function to a flying squirrel. Similarly, Gligar had pointed claws at the edges of its membranes. The creature pierced its sharp pincers on it forelegs and swaged its purple stringer.

    “What is that?” Lao shouted. Gligar hovered under the rock cage and glared with its triangle-shaped eyes, and clanked its sharp, grey teeth. The fluttered destructor seemed to be able to use human speech and hovered across the murky cave in the direction of Lao.

    “I saw you planned to come to my cave,” Gligar hissed loudly. “Why else would you enter this Village?” Gligar had watched Lao enter Garswoop Village when he came down that giant, sandy hill before the ninja fell over. The flying scorpion clanged its dagger-like teeth together and hissed at the ninja trainer. Grimer minimized a little into a small sludge puddle where he shivered in fear.

    “Grimer, we need to save Gina!” Lao shouted. “Man up, and let’s go!” Grimer opened up into is large, poisonous self and slapped the rocky ground. Gligar flapped its lavender wings and spat out its fuzzy red tongue.

    “This town has suffered my destruction ever since I found out what happened to my master!” Gligar hissed loudly and swooped quickly in the direction of the sludge. Gligar quickly sliced with its jagged claws onto Grimer’s venomous body and sliced a mark into it. The scorpion speedily swooped back into the foggy air and then focused its mouth. Suddenly, poisonous strings of stingers sprayed in the direction of the sludge.

    “Gri,” Grimer wailed. Poison Sting pelted the pile of purple sludge and it wailed loudly. Grimer’s slush-like body retracted in and outwards in pain. Gina on the other hand was so scared she passed out because of a claustrophobic condition. The so called confident trainer had never passed out before. Lao looked up slowly towards the grey, rocky ceiling and hoped his cousin was okay.

    “Grimer, use Ice Punch,” Lao shouted, and pointed at Gligar. Grimer waved its slippery fist around and it frosted over with cold ice. Ice Punch was flung in the direction of the scorpion Pokemon and dazed the creature. Gligar was chucked into the rocky maximum and then flew around the room with an angry look.

    “You’ll pay dearly for that,” Gligar snarled and then suddenly swooped down at Grimer. “Eat my Acrobatics!” Gligar dashed through the dark cave and grabbed Grimer with its teeth. The sludge creature was swung around the room in a circle and bashed into a sharp rock on the floor.

    “No, Grimer!” Lao wailed, with worry. Grimer had taken a lot of damage and Gligar seemed unscarred. The slippery sludge contracted and minimized its venomous layers due to a lot of pain. Cold air flushed across everything and caused a small gust. Lao’s crimson bandana flickered in the frozen gust and he pierced his eyes at Gligar. Grimer unexpectedly turned around towards the flying scorpion and sprayed sludge at it.

    “Grimer!” Grimer angrily shouted. The toxic Sludge bubbled across the cave and splashed at the scorpion creature. Gligar flew back slightly and shook its purple head. The flying creature then swooped down at the poisonous sludge and swung its sharp pincer at the sludge. The dagger smacked Grimer in the head and concussed the sludge creature in pain.

    “Hah, take that!” Gligar cackled, and hissed. Grimer groaned in pain on the rocky ground and fainted. The cold air flushed over the battle arena and small rocks tumbled with it. Rocks pelted Lao in the chest and messed up his lavender t-shirt. Red transparent light beamed at the sludge and returned it to its Pokeball.

    “Go, Zubat,” Lao shouted, and tossed the ball through the air.

    “The villagers must have sent you because you are stronger then them,” Gligar hissed. “Ever since they killed my Master…” Gligar fiercely flashed its wings open and awaited its next opponent. A small blue, bat creature flew out of the transparent red light. Zubat fluttered its purple wings and squeaked. This bat creature had no eyes but could use its ears to locate the enemies.

    Lao and Zubat had been friends for a year or so now, and both had a rocky start to their friendship. Zubat used to be so angry because it was taken away from its mother Crobat and blamed Lao for it. However, the Crobat had been bullying its own baby Zubat and that is when Lao decided to capture it. Now they are best of friends. Zubat then sworn to protect its ninja master no matter what.

    “Zubat, use Bite,” Lao shouted. Zubat fluttered across the dingy cave and mashed Gligar’s purple head. Gligar screeched a little and then counter attacked through the air with a slash. The scorpion creature shook its violet head and then slashed Zubat’s blue body with a sharp claw. The bat tumbled through the air and hit a crusty rock.

    “Take that Zubat,” Gligar hissed. “I will avenger my Master!” Zubat fluttered to the air and then sprayed a Sludge Bomb in the direction of Gligar. A poisonous, purple sphere bubbled at the scorpion creature and splashed all over its purple body. Gligar panted for a moment and breathed deeply. Lao gave thumbs up to Zubat and then started to smile.

    “Do not worry Gina,” he said. “I will get you out of there after we defeat Gligar.” Zubat dashed across the shallow cave and spread its purple wings outwards. Suddenly, they shone brightly, and illuminated up the room. The bat creature plunged at Gligar and sliced through the air. Wing Attack bashed the scorpion backwards and it spun around into a sharp rock.

    “Ergh,” Gligar growled in pain, as it slid down the rock. Zubat fluttered around violently and squeaked loudly. “My Master… I will avenge you for your ideas to convert the city into a stone prison...” Lao noticed what Gligar had said and questioned why the Village would be imprisoned by rocks.

    “Zubat, use Air Cutter!” Lao shouted. Zubat flapped its wings back and forth whilst sharp kunais of air sliced in the direction of Gligar. The air cutting effects sliced all over the scorpion’s purple body. Gligar flew carelessly in pain towards Zubat and bashed with its lavender head. Its body rapidly pushed backwards through the air and crashed into some pebbled stones. Gligar welted in pain and then fell onto some rocks…

    “Master, I have failed you,” Gligar hissed quietly, in agony. “This Village killed you because you founded the Village and wanted to imprison them inside. However, since then I had sworn to protect your wishes before you died… To wreck havoc and take your revenge on them. Luckily I escaped master before they chased me, because I was your strongest Pokemon.”

    Gligar’s head flopped to the shadowed ground and it shut its eyes. Lao’s Zubat had also fainted next to some rocks. Suddenly, the sharp rocky cage shook violently and released Gina… The cousin was still absorbed within the tight rocks, and they refused to move.

    “They stabbed you through the heart with a rocky javelin…” Gligar whispered, and panted. “By prison, you meant Kingdom of Garswoop… but how were the dumb villagers meant to understand your goals?”

    “I will save you!” Lao shouted. Lao threw a kunai at the Rock Tomb prison, however it bounced back quickly to the ground. The ninja trainer was flustered and then grabbed a Pokeball. He tossed it through the frozen air and it soared at Gligar. The transparent, crimson light consumed Gligar and bashed to the floor… and wiggled…

    Gligar had attacked the Village because the Founder (His Master) wanted to be the ruler of Garswoop, and control a Kingdom. However, he referred to Kingdom back then as a Prison. Therefore, the Villagers got the wrong end of the stick and hunted the founder down. They stabbed him through the heart with a rocky javelin that was hand made by their Pokemon within the actual quarry. The Founder was killed on top of the Garswoop Mountain where his statue is stood tall and watched over the village… RIP… His name was Jay...
    Last edited by Fossil Fusion; 16th April 2012 at 03:37 PM.
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
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  2. #2
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Garswoop

    CLAIMED. Expect a grade sort of soon.
    Last edited by Buoy; 23rd April 2012 at 02:13 PM.

  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Garswoop

    Introduction: The introduction seems quite simplistic, I guess. Firstly, the location -- Garswoop Village -- is described. Locations are indeed important to describe, especially if you've made them up yourself, so that people know, at least on a general scale, where the story is actually taking place, otherwise the characters may as well just be trundling through blank space. I mean, Garswoop Village isn't described as much as it probably should be, since there's still a lot of detail I can tell is missing about the place -- maybe because of all the sand, it smells like a desert or feels swelteringly hot all the time? In any case, you've managed to show a basic impression of the location in your intro, which is always good.

    You've also successfully brought a conflict into play -- the scared Pokémon that destroys everything? By mentioning it so early on in the story, the readers are going to start guessing about what will happen -- obviously the mysterious Pokémon will be a big part of it. While this works to your advantage in this instance, if you're beginning other stories, make sure not to mention things in your introduction that could be seen as a main subject in the story if you're not going to elaborate on it in the plot. That's sort of misleading, and although it could work as a "BAHAHA, I TRICKED YOU!" sort of thing, it's generally not taken that way. It can be kinda frustrating for a reader.

    All in all, your introduction was a little below what I'd consider to be acceptable for this level -- it wasn't very compelling, very drawing. It seemed a little childish in the way you worded it, really, and felt a little awkward to read. I suppose rewording it would work a little better than what you have at the moment, but it's not far off from being a good introduction. :>

    Plot: Well, as we all know, the story is about the subduing of the mysterious creature that destroys everything -- when Lao gets to Garswoop, we see that artwork has been destroyed, which is no doubt due to the work of the creature that no-one knows about. Lao asks one of the workers for the details after randomly rubbing the worker's back, and shortly sets off to see what he can do about the problem. He meets Gina and goes to defeat that Gligar chick. I suppose it's not a bad plot for a Medium-ranked story. In theory, it sounds all right, and you have made a good effort to play the plot out, although in places the story seems a little strange (especially rubbing some random stranger's back -- does he want to be raped or something?).

    The story only really gets interesting when Lao gets to the cave, though, which is both bad and good -- bad, because me saying this doesn't really make the rest of the story very interesting in my opinion (although maybe in those of others'), but good because there is a point where things really start to peak. The final confrontation kicks off between Lao and the Gligar, and we finally start to learn why the creature is so destructive towards the village where he used to take residence, presumably. Through the Gligar's desperation, we learn a lot about his background, and the way in which you have the creature say it gives the story a good deal of emotion, and gives the scene a powerful voice, unlike what was seen previously in the story -- I like the effort you've put in to make the story finish in a good way.

    However, after the great work of the climax, the conclusion lets you down -- things are tied up, certainly, with Gina being successfully rescued and Gligar being subdued by the Poké Ball, but the very last paragraph is a very brief explanation of why Gligar did what he did... but that's already been addressed. Gligar himself explains in the story why he did what he did, and a short explanation is not a very powerful ending -- it's about as good as 'and they all lived happily ever after' in this context. You need to stir some emotion into it. The conclusion leaves the reader wanting more at this present time, and you've got a very weak ending here.

    The plot was original, and the peaking point was fantastic... however, I'd like you to think on your conclusions a little bit more, as well as your characters doing nonsensical things.

    Grammar/spelling: You did fall down quite a bit here. First off, your tense switches -- you switch from present to past and past to present a lot within the story. Your introduction is a prime example: you say that in a village, a Pokémon 'lays', but then you go on to say that the village 'was known as', which is pretty much switching from past to present. I'm crap at writing in present tense myself, since my brain is hardwired to write in past, but I do have some advice for you: stick to one tense in the story -- past is better than present, as you're less likely to screw it up. I mean, sure, if you're feeling like you can do it, then do it -- I'm not going to advocate anti-present tense simply because I felt you weren't able to pull it off. Try to get it right, though. *pats*

    You also love your commas when describing things, even if they aren't necessary. You've got 'brightly, lit' in the second paragraph -- the comma isn't necessary at all. Brightly is an adverb to describe how 'lit' it is. And even if there was more than one adverb there, you wouldn't put a comma in -- you don't put in commas between an adverb and a verb, or an adjective and a noun (which explains 'tiny, flames' in the second paragraph, too). You also have 'bushy, green trees', which isn't incorrect, but the comma isn't needed there either -- you can do with or without.

    The founder of Garswoop had a trusty Pokemon partner, but nobody could find information on what the creature was, nonetheless know what had happened to it!
    Corrected. :> If you wanted to use 'which' instead of 'but', you'd have to omit 'on what the creature was' (you forgot the 'the' in the story), and use 'know' instead of 'knew', seeing as you're saying 'could'.

    “I am sick of rebuilding our artworks!” a voice shouted.
    You don't need to put 'a' in capitals -- after an exclamation mark in dialogue, you leave what comes after uncapitalised unless it's a proper noun, like a name, or if what comes next is not a speaking verb. Also, quick note on speaking verbs: 'said', 'shouted', 'wailed' -- they're all speaking verbs, yes, as are many more. Things like 'gleamed' or 'smirked' are not speaking verbs. You don't 'smirk' words or 'gleam' words. ._.

    Finally, addressing people or Pokémon in dialogue -- here is a detailed description of how you should go about it, written by yours truly. You've made the mistake of forgetting the appropriate commas in addressing within dialogue in some parts of the story -- mainly when Lao is shouting at Grimer.

    Detail/description: You do include a lot of description throughout the story, and seem to have a good sense of visuals -- you describe a lot of things visually, but you need to incorporate the other senses. Smell, sounds, touch -- these are important, too. You can reach to the readers further through more than just visuals, make them really know what it's like wherever you're describing. You know how to say where things are and where they belong and what they look like, but there's a little more to it than that -- you just need to work on thinking about what you can talk about, rather than how you can say it. There's no point in having fancy talk about how cool the air bed looks if you're not going to say how the tent smells, what sounds are coming from the village and how the bed actually feels, rather than 'comfy'.

    I've said this before, but you word things a little awkwardly and childishly. It feels like a children's story in places, but the simple solution is to vary sentence lengths and structures -- short sentences for emphasis, longer sentences for more description. You also should be including some more advanced vocabulary -- a good way to do this is look at something you have written. Are there words there that could be replaced in favour of better synonyms? If so, that's probably a good sign that you should replace it to make it a little more... mature, I guess.

    Length: A little over the maximum requirement. Well done. :>

    Outcome: Gligar is not captured. I didn't feel that your introduction nor your conclusion were strong enough, and you did have many problems with your grammar. However, you pulled up in certain areas -- your description of how things looked, the length to your story, and definitely the climaxing point of the tale. To nab your Gligar, I'd like you to reword or rewrite both your introduction and your conclusion, and I'd like you to use what I pointed out in the grammar section of the grade to identify and fix as many of the grammar errors pointed out as you can. PM me when you want me to regrade, or if you want something in the grade cleared up.

    Good luck on the fixing up of your story!

  4. #4
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Garswoop

    All right. You've done everything I asked, and the story has definitely pulled up in standard as a result. You've done more than I asked you to, in fact, by including some more description in the drier areas. Just be a little more careful of your grammar, as it can be a little off-putting and confusing to readers. Work also on trying to get some more oomph into your conclusion -- a good story leaves the reader feeling something at the end. Think of emotions and how you can play on them, and try to put those feelings into writing to make a powerful conclusion. Cliffhangers are one form of this -- they use tension at its most extreme to leave the reader unsure, to make them want to read more. Just give it a little thought.

    However, this time... Gligar is deserved and captured. Have fun, I guess.


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