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Thread: Gaol.

  1. #1

    Default Gaol.

    OCC: Switches between memories and current happenings and I also tend to use alot of Australian english. Eg Color = Colour

    The blazing light shone through the tiniest of cracks, into a room which was no bigger than 3m by 3m. The scent of soiled clothes and rat droppings reeked throughout the room. The room had little to nothing at all; there was a small brown mattress on the right side of the room and a small hole on the left most likely being used as a toilet for the inhabitant. The light shone through the crack as a perfect beam onto the large, twice enforced steel door. The door looked liked it had an opening which could only be operated from the outside. The walls were built with solid black bricks which soaked up most, if not all of the sunlight available. On the far corner came a twitch, an unnecessary movement made by its inhabitant. He started coughing; the sheer low pitch of the cough would tell you that this was definitely a male person. He started to crawl on his hands and knees, very slowly and looked like if he was agile and frail. He got to the back wall panting and put his hands up to slowly get to his feet, he reached for the crack and slowly put his mouth over it hissing and panting he received what he searched for, a badly needed burst of fresh air. After sucking as much air as possible he dropped back down to his knees, onto the hard cold stone floor which has already bruised and cut his knees many times over. He let his body take over; he was now just lying on the floor, as the sun rose the beam of light shone to his face. You could see that this face was in need of a mother, a carer or just someone to hug. The rugged texture of his face made it look like if there was a mountain peak on it, his cracked and bloodied lips, a nose which looked something that Voldemort would liken and his eyes which barely look open were swollen and red longing for the sun and moon. The man’s hair was straight and black, it had already grown down to his shoulders and covered his ears, and strangely enough he did not have any facial hair to go with his long mop top. The man was only wearing what looked like to be a torn and old dress, it was brown and seemed very thin, it was not enough to fight off the cold nights and even chillier winters.


    I crawled to the far left corner, the pain from the floor I have endured many times but it never seems to get any better. I slowly lifted up my mattress, this is probably all the energy I have for today. I tossed the brown mattress to the other side, it was hard and stiff, it would probably be better for me if I just slept on the ground. Towards the left corner had a small hole, it looked like a small rats hole when I first saw it but it is the perfect place to keep all my contraband items. I reached into the hole with my right hand; I could only fit two fingers into it as I reached in I felt an unusual emptiness, as that this will be the last time I would be reaching for my secret memoirs but I quickly overcame these feelings as my memories rushed back to me, back to the time of the sentence and then suddenly I am back in the spotlight, sitting with my hands cuffed alongside the Judge and a room full of reporters and general audience to watch this trial.


    The oak paneled room had a weirdly sweet arousing scent to it. The court room was big and spacious, as I walked inside to my left was 5 rows of grayish wooden benches, there was already around 20 people there, all staring at me as I walked into the courtroom with my hands cuffed and escorted by the police. I remember what I wore perfectly that day; I had a grey suit coupled with some newly polished black lace-up shoes and a spiffy purple spotted tie to add some color to my attire. As I passed through the rows of people sitting on my right and left I entered the courtroom area, I took a quick look up and saw the judge, looked like a stern old man, he was dressed in black robes with a white collar and was sitting behind a desk on the highest platform in the room. He had many pages and books open in front of him but what I noticed out of everything was the big thick bible he had his hand on, this guy looked to be religious.

    I was placed into the accused box and the court was getting ready to start. My lawyer, Arnold Hulber, has been a long time friend of mine since grade school, we have kept in touch since then and we share one passion, which is to create a world where Pokémon will be treated rightly as they deserve. I looked around the room and its sheer vastness surprised me, everyone had their eyes on me but out of everyone only one stood out and I saw the prosecutor, Lionel Jules. A smug man who did not mind bending the truth to obtain glory and victory, he sat on the opposite side of the room to me and gave me a smug smile. I was concentrating on my testimony and did not notice the Judge bang his hammer on the desk.

    “The Jury will now file in.” said the Clerk.

    One by one the twelve jury members filled in, they sat on a special two row bench around 3m to the right of me, this way they could get a good look at everything I saw and do during the trial. Out of the twelve jury members only 2 were female; I found that quite surprising as for my case the more compassionate people the better the outcome for me. This was the first time I felt nervous, the jury were probably now gathering their first impressions on me right now and I need to do something to make that first impression good.

    “Good morning jury members.” I said softly, though with just enough emphasis so the all the jury members could hear me.

    The jury reaction after I greeted them was sure of a surprise, most of them turned around to me and seemed shocked that I would even talk to them, this was good as the people who turned around and seemed shocked must of already had a bad impression of me, now I am able to turn some of the jury members to my side. The court case was just about to start, I had a quick chat to Arnold about the schedule for the day and it seemed tight, I might have to cut down my testimony by a fair amount if it does goes that way.

    “The court will now start processing this case, please turn off all mobile phones and electronic equipment during the proceeding and stay quiet,” This time the Clerk sounded very adamant that we do stay quiet during the proceeding. “Please all rise for the Judge.”

    The courtroom all stood up to honor the judge today, his name tag I couldn’t quite make out but I think it said “Judge Hugh Repner”, he was quite a big man in stature and had a small beard growing off his chin. He waved his hand to signal the people in the courtroom to sit back down. He began to talk; his voice was loud and booming as it echoed throughout the room.

    “Today, ladies and gentleman we are gathered here today to trial the accused of Pokémon murder, this man has been accused of 1 count of Pokémon murder, 2 counts of Pokémon assault and 2 counts of Pokémon slavery, we shall now begin the trial with the testament of the prosecutor.”

    As soon as Repner read out the felonies I have been charged with I cringed, I never did any of the crimes I have been charged with, even though the evidence have been stacking up against me I would never ever do anything to intentionally harm a Pokémon, then a sudden bolt of panic hit me as I thought what if the jury doesn’t know that, I would be charged formally and thrown into gaol for the rest of my life and even possibly hanged for this. I have to fight these charges and win or else that would be the end of my life as we know it.

    Lionel started to make his approach to me to start his prosecution; before he could make it any further he was stopped by the Judge.

    “I’m sorry Lionel but before you start, what does the defendant plead to the charges?” Repner said this without taking his eyes off me; the pressure was now on my shoulders.

    “The honorable Judge Repner, I plead not guilty to the all of the above charges.” I replied, I tried to be as calm and collected as possible, didn’t want to twitch during it or do anything stupid that might make me seem that I was lying.

    A quiet rise of whispers ran throughout the court, most of the audience probably thinks that I am guilty and probably would of pleaded guilty to reduce the sentence, but they didn’t know anything. The reason the audience are even here surprises me, have you got nothing better to do with your life than watch an innocent man get trialed for something he did not do. I hid no emotion from my face as I said again, “I plead not guilty.” This seemed to settle the court a bit, I need to look strong in my reasons yet innocent to the jury, this should start swinging things into my side.

    Lionel started walking up to me, he was wearing a grayish suit with black lace-up shoes and a black tie, he was not a big man but his he had an unusual aura when he pranced around the courtroom, his presence intimidated the jury, I could tell by just looking at some of the faces of the jury when he was talking to them. He had a croaky voice but what he says still gets through the courtroom clearly. He was around the 184cm mark in height and was lightly built; his black glasses made him look like a bit of a nerd with his black combed over hair. He was definitely no pushover in the courtroom though, prior to the trial I had Arnold do some background research on Lionel and his team, they have been prosecuting Pokémon murders all over the world. It seemed like some of the cases they worked on had so much evidence against the defendant that you could get anyone to believe they murdered the Pokémon. Lionel’s approach was slow and he had his hands behind his back, I thought this was extremely cocky of him to strut down to question me, let’s just hope this works against him.

    “Purple spotted tie? Don’t you think this is the wrong occasion for a novelty tie?” he asked with a little giggle at the end of the question.

    That idiot, I thought.

    “Huh? Oh this?” I pointed to my tie as I retaliated with a sarcastic tone “This is a designer tie from Raffaello, if you knew anything about not being dressed like a garbage man than I would suggest you to be quiet.”

    He seemed annoyed at my little remark, it worked I thought. I need to get him angry or pissed off maybe then he will get sidetracked and will most likely forget his planned attack on me.

    “Order, please stick to what is relevant to the trial.” Judge Repner bellowed.

    “So, you have been accused of 1 count of Pokémon murder, 2 counts of Pokémon assault and 2 counts of Pokémon slavery and you pleaded not guilty.” Lionel recounted. “Now, could you please recount for us today, what happened on the 29TH March 2009?”

    As soon as he asked the question, I felt a bit heated up inside, it was like as if someone turned up the heaters on or I was being boiled alive. The 29th of March 2009, it was the day that started all this, if I had done something else that day, or just stayed home this would never have happened; but I guess this is what they call “fate”. As I started to recall the moments that happened that day, it was like that someone had sucked me into a black hole and had taken me back in time.


    A loud bang had brought me back to reality, it was the steel door; I am once again back in my prison cell. I heard a loud voice from outside the cell. It sounded like the prison general with his Machamp.

    “Oi, number 2611, get ready to come outside for your monthly checkup and to finish your jobs for the day.” The General shouted.

    This was a small prison, off the coast of Santiago, it housed some of the most notorious Pokémon murders, the people who come in here don’t usually get out. Its maximum capacity is around about 60 prisoners, it’s built around a small island which was deserted until the military decided to build the prison here in 1981. The prison was small but sturdy, it was shaped as an outline of a rectangle, it was 2 stories high and as soon as you open your prison door you could see the courtyard and sky, the sky your only friend in prison, it has barbed wire fences all across the island to prevent any methods of escape and the general has enforced brand new technology which inserts a microchip inside the left thumb of prisoners to maintain and keep track of what prisoners are doing day and night, if anyone is out of place they will be caught and punished immediately. I have even seen some prisoners go to great lengths into escaping; some even cut their own thumbs off to prevent them from being tracked. None has ever successfully survived, many have managed to get to a respectable distance outside the prison but they have all been picked off by the “Nincara”. According to other prisoners the Nincara live in the sea surrounding the prison, they have been trained to maul and kill any prisoners who have done enough to escape the fences of Fox State prison. This was it I thought, my only chance to escape this place, I reached deeper into the whole on the left corner of my cell until I found a small round pebble like object, it was a Poke ball, revolutionary designed so it would be small and just had a small white button on its front for it to expand and to be used again. Along with the Poke ball I had two empty micro Poke balls, which when I need will expand and try to capture wild Pokémon just like normal ones. I rushed to put my mattress back into place as I could hear the general ruffling his keys against the prison door.

    I pressed the small white button on the pebble sized Poke ball, it enlarged immediately. This was the moment I have been waiting for ever since I was thrown into this wretched prison. I was able to smuggle in this Poke ball by swallowing it with a meal the day before I was sent here, after a few days the Poke ball came out in my feces, although it was not a pleasant experience looking for it. My hands tightly clutched the tennis ball sized red and white Poke ball; I pressed the white protruding button on the middle, a flash of white light and then this magnificent purple Pokémon appeared. It had two stubby feet on a round purple body; it had four wings coming out of its body with the top two having a teal tinge to it. It had two cone shaped ears coming out from above its eyes; its eyes were yellow with bright red pupils. “Crooo” it screeched as the Crobat flew out the Poke ball, only to hit the ceiling and to make a loud thud, the ceiling was made of stone and seemed to hurt Crobat quite a bit.

    “What in the world was that?” The General shouted.

    “Sorry it was my mattress, I had to flip it.” I replied, hoping that he would not be suspicious about it.

    As he opened the door, I could feel my heart beating on the bottom of my throat, as if it was going to jump out any second. It seemed like it was in slow motion, the door started to creak open and the light started to shine through to the cell. Crobat was behind me, waiting patiently for my orders while the door opened, centimeter by centimeter. I could now see the face of the General; he was a fat and ugly man, he had facial hair around his mouth and is very pudgy around the eye area. His long brown hair covered his ears and stopped at his neck, he looked around of 184cm but his waist size must be double that, his wearing an old army outfit looked as if he was trying to emulate the Che Guevara look as he even had the beret.

    “What in the world? How did you get that in here?” The General stuttered as he realized the Crobat behind me was rearing itself to be ready to attack. The General’s Machamp was behind him, waiting eagerly for the chance to attack. The Machamp seemed bigger than a normal one, it still had the 4 arms and was built like a brick shit house. Its skin was grey and on above its head was three brown ridges right above its eyes, its legs like its arms were quite muscular while Machamp had the full set of 4 fingers and a thumb it only had 2 toes.

    “Crobat, use Quick Attack!” I shouted, this was to stun them so I could escape from the doorway.

    As Crobat was flexing its wings getting ready to unleash its attack, Crobat is one of the fastest Pokémon in the world and should be able to knock these two out of the way with eaze. Crobat retracted its wings and flew straight at the General, knocking him out of the doorway and giving me a chance to run. I started running but I have been stuck in a cell for almost 2 years now and haven’t been able to properly stretch my legs, I ran for around 20 meters outside with Crobat on my tail and the General and his Machamp steadily behind us, my legs buckled and I could just feel my whole body weight come down on me.
    “Crobat, use Haze and shield me from them!” I shouted in pain.

    Crobat started to flap its wings forcefully as a dusty black mist started to pour out of its mouth, it quickly cover the prison area, the haze grew exponentially and was soon covering most of the prison.

    “Crobat, take me away, anywhere you can find just far away from this place!” I uttered and coughed through the haze.

    I grabbed onto Crobat’s hind wings as it started to flap away into the sky, I couldn’t see much as I still had a lot of black haze mist around me but I could feel a change, I was no longer stuck in that small cell and I finally felt a burst of hot but pleasurable ray hit my face, it was the sun. It had been too long since I’ve had true sunlight; the energy I gained from just being exposed to the sunlight is just amazing. I had a sense of energy run down my spine slowly, tickling every nerve on the way and finally making its way down to my toes, I felt rejuvenated, like a new man. Now all I have to do is to find somewhere to go, I will have to live out the rest of my life as a fugitive, hiding from the government.


    …it was like that someone had sucked me into a black hole and had taken me back in time.

    The summer weather in Santiago is something to die for, the sun shone bright through my bedroom window, after a great night’s sleep I was awake and ready to take this day head on. I lived on a farm estate which included a small river in the middle of the farm, the farm has been used for many generations of my family to train and breed Pokémon, I have recently upgraded the farm so it would be able to produce many Pokémon berries and medicinal food.

    I reached out to the right of me to press the snooze button on my black digital alarm clock; it said “8:45am”. My room was pretty empty besides my bedside cherry oak cabinet it’s walls was painted a pale blue color; I was never into the posters/decorations and just wanted my room to be clean. I slowly let out a stretch which twinges every single one of my muscles. I flicked my doona back as I got ready to get out of bed. I didn’t have much planned for today; I didn’t have to go to work until late this afternoon。

    As I got out of bed I was pondering on about what to wear, I decided that a plain white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. In need of some food I quickly rushed down to the fridge and made myself a breakfast of cereal and orange juice. My Pokémon were probably hungry as well, most of my Pokémon live out in the open, free range, feeding on the berries that grow on the farm. Though I have many Pokémon I only use around about a dozen for competitive battling, those dozen of Pokémon are vigorously trained to be the best and gather their full potential as a Pokémon. My favorite and most loved Pokémon was Houndoom, the flame dog Pokémon.

    I finished up breakfast and walked towards the back door to bring out supplementary feeding material for my Pokémon, not only do my Pokémon live on the farm but many wild Pokémon come to feed and graze every once in a while. As I opened the back door I looked outside, it was just beautiful. The grass was pitch green, every couple of square meters there would be a perfect tree filled with berries rustling through the wind and in the background was a gushing stream of water, the Pokémon would either grazing the grass, eating the berries, drinking water or just out and running around. This was the life I always dreamed of, perhaps missing a women but this was close to what I would call my dream fulfilled. As I took the feed out the Pokémon could smell the food from miles away, they came charging in like a stampede, the ground started to shake a bit; I had to control them somehow. I let out a long, sharp and stern blow of my whistle; this alerted all the Pokémon that they were not to come any closer without my commands. The Pokémon stopped this instant, “I have trained them well” I thought to myself. I put in front of me the large sack of supplements, it made a small thud as it hit the ground, I opened the package and usually I just let the Pokémon help themselves. I called out to Houndoom, to come and have the first taste of the newly shipped supplements. Houndoom was a greyhound like Pokémon, it had a red underside while the rest of its body was dark black, its tail was in shape of a spear which it can use for battle or for things like grabbing berries off trees. On top of its head were two curled horns, used for head butts and to show off its strength, on its body there were many protruding silver lumps acting as a protection mechanism for the Pokémon. It slowly, step by step started to walk towards me, Houndoom has always been a shy and timid Pokémon but that’s why I loved it so much.

    I placed my hand into the brown sack and grabbed a few pellets, the pellets were small around the size of an eraser, I crushed one in my hand to test the quality of the pellets, they mashed together instantly but I could tell it was full of fibre and that was great for the digestive systems of the Pokémon. I placed my hand again into the sack and twirled it around until I found a couple of decent looking pellets. I then placed my hand in front of Houndoom’s nose; it was intrigued by the new substance and sniffed it as it let out a heavy breath. At first it hesitated to eat out of my hand but after getting the first taste of it, he couldn’t stop. I was happy that Houndoom seemed to enjoy the new feed but all was turned upside down as I wondered why it stopped feeding. Houndoom started to make whining noises from its throat; it was like if something had scared him. Houndoom started to breathe fire out of its mouth without any control; the flames were so strong that the newly bought sack of supplements was scorched straight away. That is when the rampage started, Houndoom looked as if his face was strained and his massive body started to twitch in all directions. The other Pokémon were notably scared, I myself have never seen Houndoom act so impulsive and dangerous. I had to stop this somehow. I ran back into the house and searched frantically for my shotgun, my only interest was to just disable it somehow without vigorously harming it. I found my shotgun sitting inside my wardrobe cupboard; it was a Benelli M4, a powerful shotgun that was capable to fire many pellets of one load. I ran outside to confront Houndoom, what I saw next was something I will never be able to forget. I opened the backdoor to see that the grass was no longer pitch green, the trees were no longer rustling with the wind and the river just seemed to stop gushing, there lay Houndoom, in a bloody mess on the ground with its intestines and stomach hanging from its mouth. This was the last image I ever recall from that day, I later woke up a hospital bed.


    The sea, I was never one for heights but hanging off Crobat while it flew me across the sea was an experience and a half. I could feel the wind brushing past my ear with a gentle coolness to it; Crobat didn’t seem too bothered that I was hanging off her. I had no idea where I was going but I was hoping it was somewhere I could get a decent meal.

    As we flew further the weather started to turn against us, around 5 clicks to the direction we were heading in heavily storm clouds have formed and I didn’t want get caught in the middle of a thunderstorm with no one around. Underneath I could see a sandy island, the picture I was getting wasn’t perfectly clear but we needed to land urgently.

    “Crobat, let’s go down and check this island out.” I shouted.

    Crobat stopped its heavy flapping and started its descent down towards the island; it didn’t look like as if there was any sign of civilization but I would have to take that chance either way. As we got closer and closer to the island the sandy outlook turned into a fully blown sandstorm. There were bits of sand flying (the sizes of these ranged from a mere micron to some that looked like rocks) around everywhere and the humidity of this island meant that I wasn’t able to breathe properly. I could tell that Crobat was also getting hurt by the giant sandstorm we were in so we had to land urgently.

    The landing was rough, as we descended to find land the sandstorm started to die down, it looked like we landed on a small patch of grassland on what looked to be a deserted island. We landed with a small thud on the ground; Crobat dwindled down onto the ground as she was out of energy after carrying a person like me across the sea. I laid there for a second, just reminiscing about what had just happened, I looked up to the sky, surprising it was bright even after the sandstorm and the storm clouds have seemed to move away. I remembered my Houndoom, I remembered my farm estate and how I am never allowed to go back. It was never meant to be like this, I had it all set up but that all went down the drain. The supplements, the new feed I fed to Houndoom, the producers will be found and I will have my revenge known.

    I opened my eyes slowly to realize the scenery around me. I put both hands on the ground and slowly picked myself up, I looked around and I was amazed. It seems like I have landed on the edges of a lake. The scenery around me was spectacular, I looked left to right, I was surrounded by bright green trees which looked healthy and thick. In the middle was a huge lake which I could not see to the other side, it was sparkling blue and with the sun’s rays shining on it reflected back a very powerful glare. My stomach started to rumble, it made a small gurgling sound before I actually realized it was me. I looked around but there were no signs of food, I had to improvise, I walked to the closest tree and looked up, it was huge, the shadow it cast from its top was enough to cover half a football field. I looked down for any logs or branches that may have fallen; they would be able to help me in searching for food or just starting a fire. On the far side of the tree there sat a nifty log that was the length of my arm and around the same thickness, it had an unusual bend to it and seemed very flexible as I picked it up.

    I commanded Crobat to fly over to help me mould this new fishing rod. Crobat reared its left wing back for power and as she sliced it down a gush of air ran past me, its Air Slash move was used its precise cutting movement and with just the right amount of power, shaved the log into the perfect fishing rod. Now all I needed was some bait and string. I was able create a makeshift string by having Crobat shave very fine pieces of bark off a tree and then stringing them together to make a long piece of very very fine string.

    “Crobat, search among the treetops for any berries or such, take a couple for yourself but bring some down for bait.” I shouted to Crobat.

    It flapped its wings up and ascended to the treetops and disappeared in an instant. I thought I might as well take a short nap, just to refresh myself before looking for some food.

    ~/Hour later/~

    As I woke I could hear the wings of a Pokémon coming closer and closer towards me, I wasn’t sure who it was. I opened my eyes but everything was still a bit of a blur, a big purple haze was coming towards me it slowly descended to land right next to me, it was Crobat. Crobat started to move its mouth in a way I have never seen before; she twitched and looked like she was going to vomit. Crobat opened its mouth and regurgitated a couple of berries, it was covered in purple slime but the berries were bright pink, around the size of a small golf ball. I stringed together the bait and rod carefully, it was very hard as the slime on the berries made it slippery and wet. I walked towards the lake and cast out as far as possible, with a wssshhh and a crack of the rod the stringed bait broke the surface of the lake. The bait started to sink travelling faster and faster, deeper and deeper until I ran out of string.

    For the first 10 minutes I sat there thinking this was stupid and I was never going to get anything but a twitch of the rod shook me right awake. It was like a sudden nerve impulse to pull on the rod, it was way too heavy. I probably just jammed it under an underwater log but the string was going crazy, it was travelling around the lake at amazing speeds, the surface of the water looked to be broken by the string and the thing that it had caught. I didn’t have the power to pull it up.

    “Crobat, ughhhh”, I clenched my teeth “Help me and take the rod and pull whatever it is under the water out!”

    I handed over the rod to Crobat; it used its stubby two legs to clinch onto the rod and started to flap its wings backwards. The act of flapping backwards made Crobat look quite awkward and funny; it looked as if it was a person attempting to backstroke in a pool. As Crobat’s face strained with the amount of power it had to use to pull out whatever was under the water I felt nervous. If what Crobat pulled out isn’t food then I don’t know what I will do next. I could see the reflection of what was under the water on the surface now, it was two bluish blobs. It was definitely something alive as it was splash and flapping around, with an almighty tug Crobat was able to pull the two blobs out of the water. The water that came with it drenched me and I couldn’t make out what it was. I rubbed my eyes to see what indeed I have caught with my rod. The first of them looked like to be a small seahorse; it was very small and had light blue scales. It had a cream colored belly and two cream colored fins. Its tail was curling up and down and seemed angry that it was pulled out of the water.

    The second of the two blobs seemed to take the shape of a blue hat; although this hat had two brown strings attached to its bottom and also had three bright red jewels on top of it. Its overall color was blue but it had a black underside.

    As I started to regain my vision I could make out that these two blobs were not food, it was two Pokémon. Horsea and Tentacool, they were still both fighting over the berry that I had strung onto my rod. They seemed to have landed on the lakebed; they were making quite a mess.

    “Crobat, use Thief on the berry!” I shouted out to Crobat.

    Crobat descended slowly to first survey the scene, it stretched its two legs and then placed them behind its body to increase speed and be more aerodynamic. The purple bat started to flap its wings forward to gather speed and as Crobat got closer it hit both Tentacool and Horsea with its wings, allowing the berry to pop freely as it flew up into the air. The berry started to fall to the ground when Crobat swarmed in and opened its mouth to take it.

    Both Horsea and Tentacool seemed agitated, they now had their gazes stuck on Crobat. Horsea started to uncurl its tail and reared its head back, I wasn’t too sure what it was doing but it was made clear when a jet of water shot out of its mouth. At the same time Tentacool shot out a needle like object out of its mouth opening, it was purple and it was aimed straight for Crobat.

    “Crobat, evade Horsea’s Water Gun!” I shouted, “It doesn’t matter if Poison Sting hits you, you should be able to take the hit!”

    As the jet of water was headed for Crobat it twirled in the air with its wings out to break the forceful Water Gun. The Poison Sting was coming straight for Crobat; it had no chance or time to evade it. Crobat was hit with the Poison Sting and she looked hurt.

    “Crobat, hang in there!” I said, “Use Confuse Ray on both Horsea and Tentacool!”

    As I shouted out my command Crobat’s eyes started to twirl inside its head and then yellow beams in the outline of a circle started to travel to Horsea and Tentacool, the beams hit them head on and Horsea and Tentacool were both dazzled. Horsea looked like it was rearing its head to try another Water Gun, as it bloated its mouth the water seemed to just blow out of control, it hit Tentacool and it was now even more dazzled. Tentacool’s gems on its head started to glow, the red transparent gems turned to an opaque dark red color, it was trying to use Supersonic but Tentacool was too dazzled to move and just dived straight to the ground hitting itself.

    “Crobat, finish it off with Sludge bomb!” I commanded.

    Crobat saw the two dazzled Pokémon running in circles on the lake bed, it seized its opportunity. Sludge bomb was one of Crobat’s favorite moves and she uses it with perfection. Crobat took a deep breath and exhaled but with the breath, out came a purple sludge which blasted towards both Tentacool and Horsea. The purplish black sludge hit Horsea and splattered everywhere and knocked it backwards 5 meters, the rest of the sludge was diverted to Tentacool, both Pokémon were covered with the black poison and where knocked out, it seemed like the only sane thing to do was to catch them.

    I reached in my back pocket of my old prison dress to the two empty micro Poke Balls. They were the size of a small pebble, I clicked on the white button on the middle and they immediately enlarged to fill my hand. I tossed the Poke balls towards Tentacool and Horsea, it hit them both square on the head, a white flash and..


    Attempting to Capture:
    Horsea and Tentacool
    Last edited by Team Evolution; 17th January 2011 at 11:50 PM.
    (3:38:28 PM) [URPG Leaders]: (ojajrrj) TE is trolling
    (3:38:32 PM) [URPG Leaders]: (ojajrrj) the leaker has motives
    (3:56:16 PM) [URPG Leaders]: (sniperxpwnage) although it's also worth consideration of how we're seemingly pinpointing all the blame towards TE when supposedly, a staff of ours is at fault
    (3:56:47 PM) [URPG Leaders]: (imsocorn) Its important that we deal with TE
    (4:02:00 PM) [URPG Leaders]: (hkimf) Yes, permanently ban TE.

    good, you guys know how to pinpoint the error

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Re: Gaol.

    I came here for two reasons: to grade stories and to chew bubblegum. AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Re: Gaol.

    Intro: You pull the reader into the action from the very beginning of your story. Right away, we're locked up with your main character in a dirty prison cell. He is beaten, bruised, and half dead. You describe his condition brilliantly. Just from reading this, I feel like the victim of a mugging. Why is this guy in jail? What happened to him? Where is he where he would be treated so cruelly? Your intro raises all of these questions and makes the reader want to find out the answers. This is what a good intro is all about. Capturing the reader's interest, establishing a setting, and introducing the main characters. You do all of those brilliantly. Congrats.

    Plot: Interrrrrresting plot. You tell it through flashbacks and flash forwards (not to be confused with the dead TV show), but in a way that's not overly disorienting. I like it. Your character lives an ideal life on a farm with his Pokemon, when one day, he finds one of his Pokemon murdered. From there, he goes on trial with his entire life on the line. We have flash forwards to prison (or maybe hes flashing back to the trial), so we can assume it didn't go too great for him. The story ends with him escaping with his Crobat to an island, where he captures a Horsea and a Tentacool. The breakout scene reminded me of the Shawshank Redemption....Was it inspired by that? Anyways, another strong section.

    Dialogue: There wasn't much of it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Unfortunately, your dialogue was a little bit fragmented and hard to read. More on that in Grammar.

    Grammar: *flinches* Don't take this section too hard. Everyone has their Achilles' heel and the rest of your story makes up for this part.

    The blazing light shone through the tiniest of cracks, into a room which was no bigger than 3m by 3m.
    That comma doesn't need to be there, and while it's not really incorrect, you should try to write out the whole word for numbers and measurements. Think of it this way: it'll add more characters to your story.

    there was a small brown mattress on the right side of the room and a small hole on the left most likely being used as a toilet for the inhabitant.
    You could add something after 'left'. Like, 'that was'. It would make the whole sentence flow better.

    He started coughing; the sheer low pitch of the cough would tell you that this was definitely a male person.
    This sounds a bit awkward. Maybe something like this?

    He started coughing; the sheer low pitch of the cough made it clear that he was definitely a male.
    He started to crawl on his hands and knees, very slowly and looked like if he was agile and frail.

    After sucking as much air as possible he dropped back down to his knees, onto the hard cold stone floor which has already bruised and cut his knees many times over.
    'Has' should be 'had.'

    You could see that this face was in need of a mother, a carer or just someone to hug.
    'Carer' isn't a word. The proper word is caretaker.

    Towards the left corner had a small hole, it looked like a small rats hole when I first saw it but it is the perfect place to keep all my contraband items.
    'Rats' should be 'rat's'

    I reached into the hole with my right hand; I could only fit two fingers into it as I reached in I felt an unusual emptiness, as that this will be the last time I would be reaching for my secret memoirs but I quickly overcame these feelings as my memories rushed back to me, back to the time of the sentence and then suddenly I am back in the spotlight, sitting with my hands cuffed alongside the Judge and a room full of reporters and general audience to watch this trial.
    Maaaaaajor, run-on sentence. No pulling a James Joyce. Baha. Nerd joke.

    Anyways, there was a lot more, but you see where I'm headed with this. This section really hurt your story. You need to practice your grammar a bit more. There's free websites available and if you use the newest version of Word it corrects a lot of stuff. Failing that, Open Office is a free program that does a lot as well. It's not quite as good as Word but it helps. If nothing else, get someone to check stuff for you. Without all the weird grammar issues, your prose could be amazing. I can tell. So don't let something like this hold you back. ^^

    Detail: Your detail is epic. Even with all the grammar problems messing up your prose, your description still shines through. I would go so far as to say you could very easily write at a professional level with some improvement. You provide excellent imagery of every scene, every character, every Pokemon, and every move in battle. If you could work on your prose and sentence structure, you would be amazing!

    Length: You needed 25k and had about 34k. You're good to go.

    Reality: Nothing about this story was terribly unrealistic. I would've liked some of the spaces between the trial and his jail time filled, but that's just me nitpicking.

    Personal Feelings: You have the makings of a WONDERFUL FREAKIN AUTHOR. The only thing holding you back is some of the grammar problems. If you noticed, that's really the only bad thing I had to say about your story. The rest was freakin awesome! Unfortunately, the grammar made your story hard to get through and brought it waaaaay closer to failing than it ever should have been. Still, you did a great job, so I will reward you....Not like that....

    Outcome: Horsea and Tentacool....captured.

    You had some problems that almost stopped you from having a successful capture, but everything else was so badass, I couldn't hold these back from you. Enjoy your Pokemon! Hope they help your gym out!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît


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