Thread: Frozen Knowledge: [Ready to Grade]

Targeted Pokemon: Snorunt
Required Length: 10,000 ~ 20,000
Actual Length: 10,586

Quick Note: [This is my first story, but don't go easy on me =P... ALSO this is a STORY DEAL with Webmaster. He wants to trade me a turtwig with toxic and rock polish for the snorunt]

Frozen Knowledge

Snowpoint City, the place of Sinnoh's north point, a midway point to many; end to a trainer's path for some. The freezing temperature up in the north seemed to drive away many trainers because of the quick climate change, but for Aegis it was nothing. His burning willpower melted even the most frostbitten blizzard winds couldn't stop him from searching for adventure. He walked through the knee high snow and saw a sign that had had ice hanging off of the cold, wooden board, and it read "Lake Acuity". Aegis breathed heavily as he glared at the sign with curious facial expressions. His red scarf swayed through the blizzard winds and he felt snow and hail pelt him; He was defiantly wondering about this place. He was told by a friend once that Lake Acuity was one of the three points that is said to hold the pokemon of "Knowledge", also known as "Uxie", and he was defiantly eager to see what all of this was about. He then walked forward, past the sign through the wintery forest and the blizzard began to clear down just a bit, which then became snow, and now only sprinkles of white crystal dust.



As he walked, he noticed that the blizzard stopped as if was commanded to, and everything grew silent. Aegis continued walking noting that this could be a good thing, now that everything was a bit more clear. Trees covered with white powdery coating could be seen from afar, but there was an opening in between some of the huddled trees. He then pushed himself to walk through the chilly atmosphere and brushed his arm against the broken branches to continue his path across the contiguous winter landscape. Aegis then saw a clearing up ahead and saw small rock formation far away from him. He then began to walk towards the strange rock structure, which seemed to be about a mile away.



Suddenly he then began to hear laughter from around him; It began to get closer and closer to him. He turned around and saw a lady that had strange purple hair, and she was wearing certain attire on that looked familiar, in fact, it was obvious who she was. She wore tight white clothing with a shining 'G' emblem on her chest. It was someone who was apart of Team Galactic, but she seemed a little different than the other members, she had an intense glare on her face, and her smile pierced through even the coldest blizzard. Aegis backed up just a little, knowing that this was one of his enemies, and he knew where this was going to end up.



"W-Who are you?" Aegis said as he shivered, now noticing the cold was getting to him. The lady then tilted her hip out and relaxed her hand on it. Her smile then turned into a smirk and she sucked the cold air through her nostrils. "That, is none of your business child, but I do know all about you, you have caused trouble with us for some time now, according to Mars and Saturn." She then puffed out a cloud of white smoke and she then continued her conversation with her target. "I'm here to take the pokemon of 'Knowledge', of course I'm also here to rid of you. Saturn and Mars already took care of your friends that wanted to help protect the other lakes, so I guess you, Aegis, are my victim of this lake."



Aegis then felt a movement from underneath his feet. He then began to sweat, and he then fell backwards landing into freezing water. His body temperature began to drop quickly and he knew he was in trouble. From above, he saw a Golem looking down on him, watching the death scene of it's prey. Aegis tried swimming to the surface, but he noticed that a mysterious shadow was right beside the Golem, and the ice was reformed. He felt his breathe slowly dwindle away as he struggled to reach the ice from underneath. He then tried banging on it with his hands and arms, but his strength was weaker due to the water slowing down his momentum. His strength began to drain, and the more he struggled to save himself, the faster he was to his death. Aegis then pulled out a pokeball from his bag slowly, but it then slid out of his hand and it began to drop to the bottom. He then slowly turned his body towards the pokeball, but it was too late.



His movement stopped and he couldn't move a muscle, his body was practically frozen in the inside, and his strength was gone. His sight began to blur and he closed his eyes, now only seeing the darkness of his eyelids; He knew it was over now. He then felt a water current rise up to his lower back, steel claws wrapped around his body and he then felt the cold water leave his presence, now only feeling his shaking body sting in the cold air. He gasped for breath and his eyes slowly opened, realizing that his Empoleon must have been released once it touched the bottom of the lake, but it was quite lucky due to the fact that the white button on the pokeball was the only place on the pokeball that released a pokemon from it. He slowly turned his head and saw a Jupiter laughing at his pain. A Golem and a Snorunt stood by her side glaring at their prey.The Snorunt must've been the pokemon that was used to seal the crack within the ice. He had to be more careful knowing that they were above the lake. One wrong move, and they were done for.



Aegis didn't have the strength to move so he was relying on his Empoleon at the moment. Aegis then noticed that Jupiter pointed at them without making any expression. "You really think you can win this, boy?" Aegis slightly smiled at her even though his body was at his weakest. He trusted his pokemon and he knew that he even though he was unable to give out commands, his pokemon were strong enough to take on even the toughest of enemies. The Snorunt and golem then charged towards Aegis at full speed, they weren't even taking orders from Jupiter, which seemed quite strange, maybe they were bonded well with their master. The Empoleon then dashed towards the rushing pokemon and quickly jabbed them both with a quick thrust of it's beak, also known as Fury Attack. The golem was thrown back a little, but landed on it's feet because the move was practically ineffective. The Snorunt then quickly gained balance in the air and then used Icy Wind upon the Empoleon and Aegis. Empoleon was losing speed and it began to embrace ice all over it's body, but it protected Aegis from the attack with it's arms. Empoleon was a tad bit slower, but the attack wasn't too powerful. Empoleon then took in a large breath of air and then let out a powerful Blizzard attack in the air. It was way more powerful than the Snorunt's icy wind, but even still the Snorunt could handle it. However, The Snorunt fell down on the ice hard and it fell through thin ice. It then jolted strangely due to an electrical current flowing all throughout it's body and fell unconscious in the water.




Aegis, still in the arms of Empoleon noticed that the Snorunt had an electrical chip attached to it's back. The pokemon weren't being controlled by Jupiter at all, but it seemed like there were given commands with the chips implanted on them. Aegis was then filled with anger, knowing that scumbags like Team Galactic were using the pokemon for terrible intentions. He then leaped from Empoleon and jumped into the freezing water wrapping his arms around it. He then held on to the ice that floated on the water and he grunted his teeth at Jupiter. "I will kill you, and your grunts one by one… you, will be victim number one.' He then detached the chip from the Snorunt's back and the Snorunt felt a sense of relief. Aegis then slowly climbed out of the water and Jupiter then laughed, cackling at the young trainer's attempt to stop her. The Golem quickly stomped upon the frozen ice allowing large rock formations to rise from underneath the lake and the entire premises was broken into separate ice pieces, revealing the water that was once enclosed underneath the ice. Aegis was out of the way from the attack, but Empoleon was hit by the strong attack, flying backwards and felt badly injured, but it grew worried for it's master and it then dashed forward with aqua jet and skid across the water, grabbing the young trainer in midair while he was clinging unto the Snorunt.



The Empoleon then landed on one of the ice pieces and it noticed that it was moving away from Jupiter. Jupiter was standing on a platform of ice that was moving towards the island. "Uxie will be ours…" The Empoleon took a step towards the edge of the ice to take off after her, but Aegis then put his hand on the stomach of Empoleon. "No, Jupiter is clearly the stronger trainer right now, we need to get this little guy back to top condition." The Empoleon nodded and let the ice move back towards the shore. Once they reached the shore, the Empoleon hopped down and let Aegis sit down in the snow. Aegis then reached in his pocket and pulled out a small bottle of potion, and sprayed it on the Snorunt's bruises. The Snorunt was still hurt quite badly, but it felt a little better and it opened it's eyes looking at the trainer above him.



Aegis smiled seeing that the Snorunt was now awake and he wrapped him in his arms, warming him with his body heat. "You'll be alright, I promise." He then took out an empty pokeball and he touched the pokeball on Snorunt gently. The Snorunt was then put inside the pokeball for safety as they traveled back to Snowpoint City. Aegis then weakly stood up with the help of Empoleon, they were very tired from the encounter. All of a sudden they began to hear a helicopter noise from above. Aegis looked up realizing that there was a helicopter hovering right over the island in the middle of the lake. He squinted and found that jupiter had a strange glowing orb in her hand. Inside the orb… was Uxie, captured by the hands of Team Galactic themselves. A ladder dropped down from the helicopter and Jupiter grabbed unto it with one hand while allowing the orb to rest within her arm. The helicopter didn't hesitate to rise into higher altitudes even though Jupiter was dangling at the bottom of the ladder.



The ladder began to rise from the bottom of the aircraft, and Jupiter then looked back at Aegis smirking at him with a deadly glare, mocking his defeat. Aegis then crunched his fist as he watched the woman escape with the pokemon of knowledge. The helicopter slowly began to fade out of view and Aegis needed to think of a way to stop Team Galactic from going further with their plans, especially now that he and his friends failed to protect the pokemon of knowledge, emotions, and willpower. Things may have looked bad for Aegis, but he wasn't going to give up, his passion and love for pokemon was too great for anyone to beat him.

Claiming. Though don't expect a grade immediately, I'm still on vacation. Should be up by late next week ;)

Introduction: You begin your story by giving a description of a familiar Sinnoh city and your story’s protagonist, Aegis. He’s a strong-willed boy who is exploring the northern lake of Sinnoh in search of the Guardian of Knowledge, Uxie, but his search is cut short by a Team Galactic member. This was kind of a warning sign to me. A boy who wears a red scarf is searching for a legendary Pokemon, and ends up having to save it from Team Galactic. For me, it felt like I was sitting on my couch playing my copy of Diamond. I’ll touch on this a bit more in the Plot section.

However, I did think your introduction did what most introductions are supposed to do. You gave us background on the main character and setting of the story, and you set up what happened later. A little more description of the main character would’ve been alright, but you did well enough anyway, so you’re alright here.

Plot: Okay, there aren’t too many issues here, but one just sort of stuck out for me. The plot was alarmingly familiar, and reminded me a bit too much of the later section of the Generation 4 games where you are sent to Lake Acuity to defend Uxie from Team Galactic. In fact, that seems to be exactly what happens in your story. Your main character, Aegis, is attempting to defend Uxie from Team Galactic, but is thwarted by one of their leaders. A battle ensues, and Aegis gets pretty much handled by Jupiter.

During the battle is where your plot seemed to deviate from the one used in the games, which is good! Aegis notices an electrical chip planted on the back of Snorunt, and realizes that Team Galactic is using these to control their Pokemon. This sickens Aegis, and he jumps into the water to rescue the Snorunt. Aegis’ Empoleon takes his trainer and the Snorunt to the edge of the lake, where Aegis heals Snorunt with some potions. While doing this, however, Team Galactic makes their escape with Uxie, leaving Aegis frustrated.

The second half of this story was much better than the first, because it added a new element. Instead of reading about an event in a game I’ve played, I was reading something new and exciting, and wondering what would come next. An original plot is the foundation of a good story, so be sure to remember this in the future. I found nothing wrong with the latter half of this story, and even enjoyed it, but the first half was a bit too familiar for me.

Also, this plot seemed to set up another story in the future. Perhaps Aegis and his friends pursue Team Galactic in search of the three lake Pokemon? If so, the story ended well, giving a cliffhanger of sorts, and leaving the reader wanting to read the next installment. If it wasn’t a “part one”, then the ending wasn’t really fitting. The main conflict in the story wasn’t really resolved. However, I think what you were going for is Aegis abandoning his attempt at defeating Jupiter, and instead deciding that rescuing Snorunt was more important. I won’t count off too much for that, but keep in mind everything else I mentioned.

Grammar: Ok, there are a lot of major problems in this section. Most of them are things that a lot of new writers do incorrectly, and this being your first story I wasn’t really surprised to see them. You’ll get better at a lot of these as you write more, just try to remember them as you write in the future.

First off, your overall spelling wasn’t always correct. I noticed a few spots where you had words misspelled, but they could’ve been typos. To insure that this doesn’t happen, I suggest not only typing it in Word, which has a built in spell/grammar check, but also proofreading it a few times before finally submitting it. By doing this you catch the obvious mistakes, and the more you read, the more likely you are to catch the ones that don’t stick out so much.

I’d also like to point out your capitalization. Once again, this is a fairly common mistake amongst new writers, but be sure you capitalize everything Pokemon related. This includes Pokemon names, any items like Potions or Pokeballs, and basically anything else that begins with the prefix “Poke-“. I noticed that you weren’t consistent in capitalizing the Pokemon’s names, and even some of the other characters’ names throughout the story. Just make sure that you have everything correctly capitalized so it’s easier to read.

Another thing is your usage of “It’s” and “Its”. This is a pretty easy fix, so once you understand it you probably won’t do it anymore. Basically, “Its” is possessive, and “It’s” is a contraction of “It” and “Is”. For example, you wouldn’t say “That’s it’s Pokeball”, because you’re pretty much saying “That’s it is Pokeball”. I think that was the way you used it the most in your story, “It’s” where “Its” should’ve been, so in the future just decide which one it should be before writing. Most people just think that it’s always a contraction.

Your punctuation was also pretty iffy. I noticed you were putting a lot of semicolons here and there, and most seemed to be used properly, which isn’t an easy thing to master, so good job. But, there are also some bad things. There were a few times I noticed that you needed to put a comma or period somewhere to keep the sentence from being a run-on. Some of these long stretches didn’t have much punctuation at all, and on the other hand you would have five lines of text with upwards of 20 commas. Overusing them can make it blocky and awkward to read. There were also a few places where you didn’t need a comma at all, for example:

"That, is none of your business child…”

The comma after “that” isn’t needed at all. A tip for deciding when to use a comma is to read the sentence out loud, and whenever you pause, put a comma there. Never ask yourself “does this sound better with a pause?” because it probably will. Instead, ask yourself “does this sound better without a pause?” Basically, just write like you talk, and put commas where you take natural pauses in speech. Here’s a little checklist of when to use commas.

Here’s another basic grammar issue I noticed. You should always begin a new paragraph when a new person begins speaking. You would often have lines of dialogue inserted in a big paragraph, when the dialogue should really have its own place. It doesn’t matter if the speaker doesn’t have much to say, you still need to be consistent with this. Also, I noticed that the structure of your dialogue wasn’t quite what it should be. The following is a correct line of dialogue:

“Let’s go to the park,” said Bill.

Just put quotes around what the person said, and if there’s something after the dialogue like “said Bill” in this sentence, end the dialogue with a comma inside the last quotation mark. Normally it would be a period, but since there is still more in the whole sentence, you end it with a comma, and then end the entire thing with a period.

Occasionally I noticed that you had a sentence that was really awkwardly worded. The reason being you either left words out, stuck too many unneeded words in, or just used the wrong word when you should have. Here is an example:

“His burning willpower melted even the most frostbitten blizzard winds couldn't stop him from searching for adventure.”

I think I get what you meant to say here, but when I read this the first time I was really confused. If you keep having issues like this, try reading your story out loud. If it doesn’t sound like something you would say, don’t write it. Correct it so that it sounds good, and you don’t have to stumble over it while reading. Also, make sure you have the correct word where you need it. I found a few spots where you had a similar sounding word in the wrong spot, here’s and example:

“He then held on to the ice that floated on the water and he grunted his teeth at Jupiter.”

I think instead of “grunted” you meant “gritted”. Not really a big mistake by itself, but I caught stuff like this all throughout the story, so it presented a bit of a problem. I’d also like to point out that you tended to use the same words a lot, to the point of it being repetitive. The word “then” was the main one. I couldn’t count how many sentences started with “He then did this”. Be sure you change things up a bit, and avoid using the same words or series of words over and over again. It makes it a lot more entertaining for the reader.

Overall, the grammar was pretty bad. It was mostly basic mistakes that get better with time, so just practice everything I pointed out and you should be alright in no time. Review basic sentence structure rules, comma usage, and capitalization rules before writing your next story, and it should help loads.

Detail: Your detail wasn’t too bad. I think I mentioned earlier that I would’ve liked to have seen more detail on the main character, but overall I think you described things ok. The battle, landscape, and the Pokemon’s moves were all given ample description, so I’d say you’re pretty good here. For future stories, definitely give us a visualization of your character. Being the writer, you know exactly what this person looks like because you imagined him, but we rely on you telling us everything about him to get an idea of his appearance. What color is his hair? Is he short or tall? Keep things like this in mind for future stories.

Battle: I don’t always include this section in my grades, but your story seemed to revolve around the battle, so I figured I’d add it. For the most part, I liked it. It wasn’t too unrealistic, as some battles seem to be. A young trainer is overwhelmed by a much older, more powerful member of a criminal organization. Sounds good to me. Aegis met his match and realized it. He didn’t pull some crazy trick out of his ass to win it, he just knew when the back down, even if it meant letting Jupiter get away with Uxie. Also, you tended to not focus on game mechanics for the battle, instead using the Anime as a platform. I can’t tell you how much this helps stories. You did pretty well here.

Realism: As realistic as anything in the Pokeverse. Little animals running around shooting ice and rocks at each other. Works for me.

Length: Snorunt is Medium Rank, which calls for 10,000 characters. You had something like 600 over that, so you’re good. However, it doesn’t hurt to shoot for the higher end of the character range. If you’re lacking in the detail section or something, but your story is way over the required length, it could end up saving you. You’re fine here, though.

Personal Feelings: Well, it wasn’t that great of a story to be blunt. I know it’s your first story, and it showed in your grammar. The sheer amount of grammar and spelling problems just made it really hard to read and enjoy, and the questionable plot didn’t really add anything to the first half of this story. I did somewhat enjoy the battle, though, which sort of livened up the somber tone that the rest of the story carried.

Verdict:

I’ve been mulling this over in my mind for a really long time. Usually first stories are forgiven of their mistakes, but this one really had a large amount. I asked myself if I would’ve passed this if it wasn’t your first story, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if it being your first story was enough to salvage it, but I still don’t believe it is. For now, Snorunt not captured! I really didn’t want to fail this, seeing that it’s your first story, but I wouldn’t be doing my job as a Grader if I let it pass. The problems I addressed are fixable, and you’ll surely get the hang of them as you write more.

If you want to modify the story a bit and submit it for a regrade, you’re more than welcome to. I think that if you just fix the problems I addressed, you’ll be more than fine. If you do rewrite this, send me a PM with the new story, and have everything you’ve modified highlighted or bolded, basically anything to set it off from the rest. I’ll make my new decision then and post the verdict here. I expect many improvements. I’ve seen you RP in your battles, you’ve got it in you ;)

@dabeatmaster123

Frozen Knowledge Regrade

Grammar Revisions: Much better. You seemed to have fixed the problems I pointed out in the original grade, save for a few possible typos here and there. The dialogue punctuation was still somewhat spotty, but overall it was a massive improvement, so good job.

Plotline: Well, you didn't really change this, but it's fine. I don't expect you to write up something completely new. I think you got the message last time, so I want harp at you for this. Just remember what I said in my first grade.

In Closing:

Not really a long regrade, but to be honest the major flaws were Grammar and Plot. Your story was a lot more readable, and I hope that you take the advice I gave you and apply it to future stories. A huge part of story writing is remembering lots of grammar rules and stuff, which comes with experience and time. Since you managed to fix most Grammar problems, and since I think you understand the whole Plot issue, I see no reason not to give you Snorunt. Write your future stories like you wrote the last half of this one and you should be golden.

Originally Posted by Roulette Dares

Frozen Knowledge Regrade

Grammar Revisions: Much better. You seemed to have fixed the problems I pointed out in the original grade, save for a few possible typos here and there. The dialogue punctuation was still somewhat spotty, but overall it was a massive improvement, so good job.

Plotline: Well, you didn't really change this, but it's fine. I don't expect you to write up something completely new. I think you got the message last time, so I want harp at you for this. Just remember what I said in my first grade.

In Closing:

Not really a long regrade, but to be honest the major flaws were Grammar and Plot. Your story was a lot more readable, and I hope that you take the advice I gave you and apply it to future stories. A huge part of story writing is remembering lots of grammar rules and stuff, which comes with experience and time. Since you managed to fix most Grammar problems, and since I think you understand the whole Plot issue, I see no reason to give you Snorunt. Write your future stories like you wrote the last half of this one and you should be golden.

He means he sees no reason not to give you Snorunt. Go ahead and add it to your stats. Sorry for the confusion.

OH, sorry about that. Good catch ST. Yeah, Dai, Snorunt is yours.