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Thread: Frosty chocolate milkshakes

  1. #1
    Schizophrenic Supergenius Banditos's Avatar
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    Default Frosty chocolate milkshakes

    Yep guess I'm doing another one. This took me about 3 months I think and I wasn't entirely sane writing but lets see how this does.

    ~~~~~
    My name is frost, and I have been exiled.
    It wasn't too long ago I was trying to take leadership of my confusion and got kicked out. Now here I am stuck between the spectrums in a distant corner of the ice cave waiting for a way out. This used to be a common way for us to get rid of those who turned traitor but I think I was the first one in a long time, I remember there used to be a lot of people who went through here but now it seems like it was forgotten about. So here I am just killing time till I figure out how to get out.
    Oh well it isn't too bad here. The scenery is nice, beautiful crystal stalagmites shooting from the icy floor, wonderous music made from the wind blowing in through the cracks in the cave a peaceful air around the whole place. Plus, as apex predator I don't have to worry about anything trying to attack me, I mean sure occasionally the random Swinub thinks it can handle me so I have to show it why I'm boss. Its fun exercise and it keeps me in good shape so no complaints. Still though quiet as it is it's still BORING. I cannot wait to get out of here.
    Well I'm starting to feel the need to feed so it looks like it's time to hunt. I think I heard some noises down that hole.
    Yes pay dirt, there's a large red and white avian down there holding a bag, a fat Delibird. These guys are really chicken though so I have to be careful about approaching it. Think the best way to sneak up on it to just amble on behind the heavy chicken, tap him on the shoulder and...
    "Del?"
    BLAM! Right fist right in the face, stupid bird never expected it. Oh how I love faint attack. Always good when you need a laugh, huh, aw, the poor baby didn't find it funny apparently. Sigh, looks like it's already running away, when will they realize I'm the top rung for a reason. I quickly freeze some of the air in my hand into a shard and took aim at the pheasant. As I flung the icy shard at it the bird did something I've never seen before, dodge it. It didn't dodge it that well and dropped its bag when it grazed the sack but damn it this things going to ruin my streak.
    I tried to run after it, but that bastard can sure hustle, oh well, maybe there's something fun in this bag. As I climbed in there I notice this thing is deep. Is this hammer space? I beat I could wait in here and the dumb critter will never notice me. Hee hee, this will show it to make a fool out of me. Guess I'll just lie in here and wait for it to come back, sigh, I hate waiting. Hmm you know I feel like I'm forgetting something. Can't Delibirds enter the Silver Spectrum, could this be the way to escape this frozen prison? I think I finally found a way to get out, oh glorious day, I might not even eat him out of thanks. Still the point remains that I have to wait for it to come back for the bag before I can go and I'm not sure how long this will take. Guess I'll just sleep till it picks me up.
    ~~~~~
    My dreams return me to my old confusion and what brought me to be exiled.
    It's not like I didn't expect to be, but I really thought that it would work. Just take out the old alpha, usurp him as the new one, no big deal. The whole mess could really just be chalked up to bad luck. It was the middle of the night and most everyone else was gone hunting I thought I could just kill him quick and easy and live the rest of my life as the ruler. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, when my frozen knife was about to cut into his throat, a large Ursaring came in and interrupted my assassination. The bear didn't cause any trouble, it was just lost and entered the wrong cave, but unfortunately it woke up the Alpha with a frozen knife inches from his windpipe.
    It doesn't take a brilliant mind to figure out what his first course of action was. He immediately grabbed me by my throat and threw me clear into the opposite wall. After he froze a large blade and placed it against my jugular he gave me one of two choices. Either, one, exile myself to the ice cave and be stuck in the middle spectrum, or, two, take the proud way out and die right here, right now.
    I chose the former and left my pride on the floor. The first day there I declared myself god like Jet Li in The One, I really liked that movie. The first week here not too bad. The second week things started getting hazy. It was by the end of the month I think I accomplished all I could and found I had nothing new left to do but watch the entropy occur. I think that’s when the madness set in. By now though I think that’s passed. I mean sure every now and then a wave of it washes over me and I go argue with an eggplant but that’s perfectly normal right?
    Oh well soon as the giant flying chicken comes by and takes me to a different plane in its magic bag of presents I will be free.
    ~~~~~
    The sensation of being lifted up woke me from my dream of the past. Now how am I going to pilot this guy...
    "Hey! Bird!"
    "?!"
    ...How did he make those symbols vocal? "I'm willing to make a deal. Get me out of this place and I won't use you as my next meal, OK."
    For a while I waited for a response from him. I wonder if he could even understand me. He hasn’t proven to be very communicative so far.
    “Very well then” a strangely aristocratic voice said.
    I felt the bird make a quick turn into a different direction and felt my stomach do a full three-sixty. When the world stopped spinning I felt the ground come up to rest near me. With a rather rude jostle the turkey released me from his bag.
    "Ow,” Jerk dropped me on my head, “thanks."
    Before I turned to leave he thrust a small box into my face. I accepted the present and quickly decided to save it for when I would need it.
    Finally being free lets you get your wants in order and first thing I want is something new to do. It seems the easiest way to prove I’m not still stuck in a land of entropy. Looking around though I don’t see much different from what I was used to, the whole land did seem a bit shinier but it’s not that much different from what I was used to. Same crystal spires jutting out from the ground, same frozen floor reflecting my beautiful fur. I wonder if I even did escape or if all that was a...
    “Why did you drag me here again? There’s nothing new here for me to catch.”
    Wait are those voices?
    “Wrong! I found a way to make some new ones appear.”
    Those ARE voices, and they don’t seem to be coming from my head.
    “Play around with your radio station there’s some foreign music that seems to attract foreign Pokémon.”
    So there are people here, I guess I am free. After months of imprisonment I can finally leave this place.
    “Why are there foreign ones here?”
    Just hope none of them see me, it would be a shame to get freed from jail only to get stuck in some kids box forever.
    “Don’t know, don’t care. Yes found it.”
    “Dunununun nah nuh nah naaa na nahanana”
    Hmmm not a bad tune but I prefer Wu-Tang.
    "So where are these new Pokemon"
    Guess I'll head the other way and not risk it.
    "Be patient they'll show up."
    Can barely hear them now. Really, hope that none of them go this way.
    “Dunununun nah nuh nah naaa na nahanana”
    That music is really loud I can hear it all the way over here.
    "HIT"
    "Huh?"
    I arch my spine backwards barely avoiding an orange palm smashing into the rock wall next to me. As I look over to see what tried to smash my cute face in, I find that it is not a foe that I have encountered before.
    Before me stood a rather round creature, it wasn't very tall, barely any bigger then me, and almost looked like it would be faster to climb over then walk around, and has a head that sort of reminds me of an onion. There is something about this creature that seems familiar but I can't remember what. It will probably come to me later, but in the here and now I gotta get rid of this kid and find a new place to mark as my own.
    "Listen I'm going to guess your new here. You don't know who I am and you probably don't care. Trust me you don't want to start a fight with me. You will lose. Now I bid you farewell." As I finished my little speech I started walking away satisfied that he won't try and follow me.
    Unfortunatly I was wrong and he tackled me from behind and brought me down to the ground. "Alright that's it I'm going to grant you your death wish, punk."
    Quickly leaping back up on my feet I prepare to show my foolish attacker why this is a huge mistake. I lifted up my claws and watched as a metallic shine swam over them, it looked pretty and I knew it was more then just for looks. I lunged at my foe and dug my metal claws into it's hide and slashed them against it's torso. Using his body as a springboard I lept backwards into the air. When I looked back though I was shocked that he didn't seem damaged at all. My attack barely fazed this guy. What is his deal?
    The weirdo took a little time to get back on trying to hurt me and immediatly thrust out it's palms in my direction. One strike after another barely giving me time to dodge, a few did strike my sides but none made a direct hit. This is not really much of a challenge really, Maybe if I keep this up I c-
    FWUM!
    Ow...
    He finally managed to hit me. Square center in the chest. Why does this hurt so much? Why am thinking in these broken sentences? Great, now that I started I can't stop. Wait these are more structured thoughts maybe I did stop. Why am I on the ground again?
    Blum Blum BlumBlumBlumBLUM
    Oh yeah... that guy. Why is he beating his stomach like that? It does make a neat noise. Maybe thats why he's doing it. Did he get bored of our fight? Is that brat trying to taunt me? Does he think he won? DOES HE THINK HE'S BETTER THEN ME? I WILL SHOW IT WHY I AM THE APEX OF THIS CAVE.
    I open my mouth and let lose an unending gale of wind that covers anything in its path in frost. When it reaches my yellow foe, wait, what is it called anyway, I'll have to ask before I finish it off. As his body froze I saw it still try and walk towards me. I upped the output of my Icy Wind and saw as it strarted leaving little frozen tails as it swept past him. I think I finally got him beat. After a few minutes of this his entire lower torso was covered in ice. It didn't take much longer for him to be completely frozen up to his head. I decided to let up on my storm and survey the damage done. I strolled around him looking at what has taken place admiring my handywork at freezing him. I guess I'll finish him off now, pity almost was a challenge. I lifted up my claws and swung them down ready to tear him some new face holes.
    Suddenly he tightened up his muscles and flexed them causing my beautiful ice prison to shatter and knock me backwards a bit from shock. Before I even had time to recover he was on me with a flurry of punches and kicks that were way to close up for me to dodge. If he manages to keep this up I think he might suceed in killing me. With a final blow he delivered a punch strait into m jaw sending me flying over a ridge and also knocking the present I got earlier out of my fur.
    Maybe if I can get that present I can heal up, I just hope that he doesn't notice it before I can get back on my feet. Unbeknownst to me though he does notice it and picks it up before I even manage to lift up one of my arms. With a quick swipe he opens up my present and peers inside.
    THOOOOOOOM
    The entire cave rattles from the force of the explosion
    ~~~~~
    In another part of the cave two bored explorers suffer the consequences of anothers action.
    "Aaaaah! What was that?"
    "I'm... I'm not sure but it looks like part of the cave collapsed. I think we are trapped in here."
    "But how will we escape?"
    "I don't think we can..."
    "..."
    ~~~~~
    In yet another deeper part, a hidden aristocracy revels in a recent plot.
    "It appears that the pox upon our homeland has finally been dealt with. To a succesful assassination my brethren, drink deep from your glasses."
    "Cheers!"
    ~~~~~
    Crawling out of the ditch I landed in I surveyed the aftermath of my present. There was no sign of my adversary just a clean outline in the wall. The explosion was strrong enough to blow open part of the wall. "Cool an escape route." I said to noone. As I got up and started to saunder over to the newly made hole I heard a noise that I always dreaded. A fluttering of wings multiplied by several dozen.
    "Zubats..."
    The fluttering grew nearer.
    "I hate Zubats..."
    The air around me grew colder. The cauldron of foes detected my presence.
    "I Hate Zubats..."
    The air around me froze into shards all held up by pure rage. The enemies were prepared to dive down on my position.
    "I HATE ZUBATS!"
    Hundreds of shards flew through the sky piercing wing and sending the ptreropine pups to the ground. I used the falling bats as a distraction while I gunned it for the newly made exit hole.
    ~~~~~~
    Do you know how bright your sun is?
    Really, try being without it for a few days then go outside.
    Do your eyes hurt? Now, imagine being stuck in a cave for a few months then stumbling outside.
    "Holy crap, my sockets!!!!!" This isn't turning out like I thought it would. "GYAAAGH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!!" Covering my eyes with my claws I ran as fast as I could, trying to find a dark place to hide.
    After a few minutes of running around like an idiot my eyes finally adjusted to the light. "Oh, wow..." The outside is much prettier then I remembered. The trees were streching out forever. Fluffy clouds floated through the sky creating momentary pockets of shade. The grass was silently waving in the wind. There was a noiseless breeze that swam through out the whole field. "Where... where am I?" I asked the field. After realizing that it is not going to answer me I got up and started walking through it. This place is nice but, it isn't somewhere I can stay, it is far to exposed I need somewhere cold and moantainy, I can't go back to my confusion, if I go back there I will probably be killed on sight.
    I turned up to the mountains and let out a hefty sigh, I will miss it there but, I guess I need to find a new home. South is probably to warm for me so I won't even think about it. I have no clue what it is like up north but, I'm probably going to run into more of my kind and I don't want to risk that. I guess this just leaves west in my cardinal decision. I placed my talons against a tree trunk and said goodbye to this place.
    ~~~~~
    After a few days walking I finally started to see the trees thin out. I took this as an oppurtunity to climb up into them and stay out of sight. When there are open paths people tend to be in them. Most trainers seem to view trees as unpasssable barriers that they are forbidden to enter. Such silly creatures, I thought to myself.
    Peering through the trees I saw where my small journey had led me to. Some kind of really big lake. I remeber seeing this lake from the top of Mount Silver. They always described it as being a really angry place but being down here I'm not too sure why. It seemed really peaceful with lots of trainers around, and lots of pokemon, some of which I have never seen before. There was a little piggy looking thing on some kind of spring, it looked like it would of been a fun toy; a small, round, splotchy, quadraped, not terribly impressive but that is a really big mouth; a blue ball shaped fish bobbing in the water, another neat toy; a giant phantom eeriely floating through the sky, I think I'll stay away from him; and a giant reptilian beast which reminds me of a buffed up Rhydon leaning on a hous- VLAM- the remains of a house. This might be a good spot to see what changes have happened since I left. It's weird I used to know what every species was, there weren't that many then, but now it seems like they have doubled in number. I think the first time my confusion saw one of these new monsters was right when our alpha evolved. We were shocked and most of the others took it as a sign that he was the right one for alpha, I saw it as an oppurtunity for advancement.
    GRUMBLE~
    Oh, hey, my stomachs growling, I guess it has been a while since I last ate. Is there anything around here edible? Hmmm probably not a smart idea to try and eat one of the trainers 'mons, seems like a death wish to me. Is there anything in the lake to eat?
    Almost as if to just answer my question orange fish jumped out of the lake. Yay! I thought to myself I know these ones are not poisonous. I am going to have to go around to the more forested side of the lake if I don't want to be seen though. There is a nice little glade surrounded by trees over there that I can get too pretty unlikely that anyone would see me there. It'll take me a little longer to reach it but rather safe then caught.
    ~~~~~
    Meanwhile within the Lake of Rage.
    "Gather around comrades, it is time for us to rise up and reclaim our ancient throne. For too long have our people been treated as the lowest rung in the food chain. Fear not my people for soon we will return the order to how it was in the old. It will be as it was in our ancestors day with us treated as gods of destruction. We will rise with a glorious flare and all those who viewed us as cannon fodder will be put at our judgement. "
    Roars of cheer rang throughout the underwater currents while the general gave his speech. General Ivan was passionate about the U.M.S.R. and would stop at nothing to restore it to its former glory, even the most unthinkable of actions. This trait was handy seeing as how that action is what he plotted right now.
    "With these weapons we will be able to take out anyone who tries to overthrow us. I fear we will not get to use most of them though, for only one is needed to show the world the might of the U.M.S.R." He swam over and hit a radio reciever connecting him to our people stationed throughout the world. "Brothers are you all prepared to commence with Operation: Blinding Flash." With various confirmations from throughout the land I saw that my general was prepared to activate the missles.
    Not long ago we stumbled upon some nuclear weapons we were able to take from the humans. Ivan saw this as the perfect oppurtunity for us to restore our species to it's former glory and saw to them being installed in several bodies of water throughout the country. It really helped that we are in pretty much within every body of water so that part of the plan went by very easyily.
    "Admiral Boris," Ivan said looking at me, "prime the warheads. It is time we started the war, pity it will only last but a moment." I swam over and hit various keys on the launch control interface, I had to be careful, I don't know what happens if I hit the wrong key, but it is probably not pleasant.
    "Watch closely comrades, for when we rewrite the history books, this shall be the most important moment in the world. The very moment our missles launc the heavens will cry, and when the survivors look up to see what remains of their land they will see the face of their true rulers." He swam back over and prepared to enter the launch sequence.
    SHUNK! Some manner of frozen spear just sliced through the water and absconded with our general.
    "What???" "GENERAL!" "They have found out about our plans, prepare the cyanide." "Don't be an idiot, we left no trace. They have no clue it was us." "We have to get him back..."
    It falls upon me to go and track down our leader. With a mighty leap I burst from the water barrier and land upon the ground desperatly calling the generals name. I fear that if we don't find him the weapon will set itself off.
    I can hardly imagine the mastermind who figured out our plans.
    ~~~~~
    "Fishy fish fish, I got a fish to eat."
    This is exciting I got food again, it feels like ages since I last ate something. I'm glad to finally be able to fill my belly. I thought this to myself while I wandered a bit farther away from the shore. There was a nice little spot not far from the treeline where I could sit down and relax. Finally I can relax and eat in peace.
    KRAAACK
    "OW," I cried to noone in particular, "this thing hurts my teeth." I forgot that these things had really hard scales. Maybe I should of thought this through a bit more. Bluh, too lazy to find something else to eat might as well see if I can find some way of making this work.
    Maybe if I see who's around here I can get some help. I poked my head through the tree line to take a quick look around. I'm lucky that not to far from where I was sitting is a familiar orange/red pinto pattern. It had a trainer with him who seemed to be chatting up some femme. I need to try and get it's attention without letting the human notice.
    "PSSST!"
    The flaming lizard/duck thing turned it's head towards me. "?"
    How is it I'm the only one who doesn't know how to make punctuation verbal? "Hey come here I need a little help."
    As the walking inferno stepped closer I pulled out the skewered fish from the bushes. "Can you heat this up for me I need it completely torched."
    "Umm, sure but I can tell you know that it isn't going to make it any easier to eat." He said before he spewed a stream of flames from his mouth.
    "I know that but trust me, I'm a professional."
    "...Professional what?" He replied while turning off the flame
    "You don't question professionals. Now watch learn" I quickly froze the air around my hand and placed it on the superheated Magikarp.
    SHATTER! The scales on the outside of the fish broke into a million pieces, leaving the muscles and organs exposed and blood kind of sprayed and dripping everywhere.
    "What was that Mag- HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"
    "AHHH I'LL NEVER UNSEE THAT!!!"
    "Neat."
    "Thanks for the help, bye." I yelled as I wandered back into the woods to eat my meal.
    After eating my fill of the bloody fish til just some bones were left I sat there for a while thinking about where to live. I'm starting to think I should just drift from place to place seeing as how I've yet to find a home so why fight it. The only problem is that I'll eventually run into someone who'll try and catch me for completion purposes, stick me in a box and then my life will be confined to some pen or something. SIgh might as well move o-
    FLUMP
    Some human just pounced on me and is not letting go. "AGH! Stranger danger! Stranger danger" I slash at this assailant yet this just prompts him to hold me at arms distance where I do little more then flail around uselessly. After a while it tires me out and my arms go limp.
    "Are you done?" He asks rather calmly. I nod tiredly.
    "Sooooo... why you freak out so much at some guy just wandering through?" he asked
    "You leaped on me, you started it." I snapped back at him
    "Oh yeah, that did happen,"he said staring into space" Sorry I just got excited when I saw you, I like your type."
    "What Ice or...?"
    "Nope, black chicks." He replied giving a razorblade smile, still holding me up in the air.
    There was a very long awkward silence throughout the forest as neither of us said anything to the other. He still had that same grin and it was wierding me out. I knew he was joking but this guy is really creepy. He's just standing here in a torn trenchcoat and camo pants and nothing else! Did he lose his shirt or something.
    "Well, you prally want a real explanation don't you." He said breaking the silence.
    "Wait a minute, you can understand me?" I asked that realization just dawning on me.
    "No, why do you think that?" He said with a predatory grin.
    "You're just messing around with me right, I'm not crazy or nothing am I?" I asked him almost a bit too quickly.
    "I don't know you to well so I can't say for sure but, yeah I'm playing with you. I can hear the mammals quite fine. It's all in the body language. Some of the reptiles too." He replied.
    "OK..." I have no idea what that means, "can you let me down now."
    He droped me down on the ground and sat down on the earth himself.
    "I just didn't expect to see one of your kind over here and thought you'd be a good addition to my team." He told me, at the very least he's straitforward.
    "Well sorry to say that your going to find another one cause I ain't gettin left in no computer corral or whatever they are." I told him getting up to leave
    He tilted his head to the side. "Computer corrals?"
    "You know those storage boxes that you leave pokemon in which aren't those six ones you always use." I said trying my best to describe it from the stories I was told.
    His head tilted back into normal position, "I don't think I got one of those."
    "I thought it was mandatory for all trainers to have one." I asked him.
    "Well I didn't get one of those, I've been carring around quite a few mons with me now. Plenty more then six, and if this one isn't going to some digital play pen," he held up another magikarp "I doubt that there is any limit to mine."
    "So you still capture pretty much everything that is new to you, you just have a larger carring capacity then normal." I said while turning my back to him.
    "Nope, I just go after the ones I like. Seems more sensible then keeping around alot of critters that ya ain't gonna use." He replied. I heard him get up too.
    "Huh, thats alot better then what I see other trainers do. Well, have fun with whatever you do weirdo." I said while walking away.
    "Wait where are you going?" He asked with a confused tone.
    "I'm leaving I hope you enjoy whatever it is you do."
    I heard a hint of malice in his voice, "You seem to be forgetting something, little one. You are one of the pokemon I intended to catch and use."
    "And I'm sure you'll run into one later." I said turning back to see his face shift to one of malice.
    "I am far too lazy to wait," he said with that razor blade smile returning to his face, "Tipsy Fox, go!"
    "NiiiIIIIIiiiiine," A large purpley-grey multi-tailed fox yawned at me. It was an elegant sight to see as it breathed out a small ember at the sky.
    "Wait why are you battling me? Shouldn't you try to find one willing to join you?" I quickly bargained with the madman.
    "You act as that's probable, besides I am rather lazy. Tipsy Fox, Will-o-Wisp." With a flash the Vulpines eyes glowed purple and small sparks of blueish flames fell out of it's mouth.
    Dang, I don't think I can escape from this guy and his fox, she has a major advantage over me especially if she can burn me. Maybe if I can prevent it from using that move I can stand a chance. "Come on now furball, you think that little ember, can burn anything?" When in doubt Haiku Slam, thats what I always say.
    As quickly as it's eyes changed they switched back over to their original red and the blue flames rapidly reverted to a normal orange and red color. The Ninetails launched these flames, instead of the ghostly ones, at me.
    The flames rolled against my body but I was not going to let myself lose to this wierdo. I need to find a way to beat him. As the flames let down I slid into the shadows of a tree behind me and used the darkness as cover to get behind my foe. while she was distracted by my disappearence I slashed my claws into it's side drawing blood from the strike.
    "The trees watch you trick, but we'll take action for it, is Payback time." I didn't expect him to know how to Haiku Slam. The shock of seeing someone else who took up this art causes me to not notice that his vulpine pet is now on top of me and about to fling me around like a toy. By the time I notice the shadow she already has me in her jaws and about to throw me into a nearby tree.
    KRUNCH!
    I hear my spine crunch on impact with the tree. I know it's not broken cause I can still feel the pain in my legs but it's enough to get me out of this fight. "I concede you bastard! Go on take your prize!"
    "Hey there little pup, I don't want you mad at me, lets make a deal 'k?"
    "Sigh, what's the deal? Keep quiet or you'll leave me in a ditch?"
    "You are way too cynical, I was going to suggest that if after a while you don't enjoy the trip I let you free, alright"
    "Fine, can I choose how long I wait?"
    "No."
    As he said that a bright red flash shot out and absorbed me.
    Goals
    (1) Sneasel <mystery revealed, I never said the species once til now> hard: 20-30k
    And
    (1) Magikarp easy: 3-5k
    Character count: at least 23k or I’m going right back and writing more stuff down
    Last edited by Banditos; 27th January 2011 at 07:17 PM.
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    Laptop fixed, yay! Now got AIM so challenge me if you find me. Add tyalbro19@yahoo.com to find me.
    Going to be gone Thanksgiving week so don't expect to see me much. Will return monday.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Frosty chocolate milkshakes

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory: I actually like the way you did your introduction. While you're intentionally mysterious about what exactly your main character is (it didn't take me long to guess, but it was easier since Sneasel happens to be one of my favourites,) and you make a bunch of offhand references to things like 'spectrums' and suchlike, the atmosphere of the story is such that a reader can actually piece together all the relevant information over the first few paragraphs. That's not to say it wouldn't have been nice to see a little more concrete information, but your introduction at least isn't significantly lacking, just scattered and mysterious.


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: A downside to the rather ethereal flow of the story is that it took a while for me to figure out where the heck your character was upon entering the 'known world.' After descending from Mount Silver to the Lake of Rage, Frost's location is more definite but never really completely clear.
    For instance, after the... Nuclear Magikarp sequence... you never really told us where Frost is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    "Fishy fish fish, I got a fish to eat."
    This is exciting I got food again, it feels like ages since I last ate something. I'm glad to finally be able to fill my belly.
    A moment later she's 'poking her head through the tree line' to talk to the... is it a Magby?... so we can assume she had already returned to the trees after finishing her fishing. It'd be nice if you included a bit of information about where your protagonist really is at the beginning of any given scene, and whenever she moves to a new location.
    Malleable Character Location Disease aside, it's clear enough what is going on: Frost, a Sneasel who has been exiled from her clan (called a 'confusion,') escapes a kind of vague in-between location where she's trapped, and, making her way out of the Silver Mountains between Johto and Kanto, arrives at the Lake of Rage, where she fishes for some doomsday-war-oriented Magikarp and then meets a Trainer who captures her. This plot is interesting and, while linear at first glance, only gets to its final point after much meandering through memories (Frost's failed assassination of her confusion's alpha) and asides (NUCLEAR MAGIKARP!) Being clear despite that is a feat in itself. Good job. =P


    Grammar, Sentence Flow: I don't know how much of it was intentional (given Frost's comment partway through, 'why am I thinking in these broken sentences?', not much,) but your sentences lacked a lot of the punctuation they needed. There were many phrases that needed commas to separate them, and to produce the brief pause that would make them sound like real thoughts or speech. When writing your story, or proofreading it, try saying it out loud; if something sounds odd, or seems to rush through a sentence without the pause you would put there if you were talking, chances are you've skipped a comma or something.
    A few examples, with commas that should have been added in red:
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    I tried to run away
    , but that bastard can sure hustle, oh well
    , maybe there's something fun in this bag.
    A semicolon or even a full stop after 'hustle' might stop this sentence from seeming too long. Informal insertions or phrases like 'Oh well,' should always have commas after them, otherwise it sounds odd. You try saying out loud, "Oh well maybe there's something fun in this bag," without pausing at all between 'well' and 'maybe.'
    Also, did you intend to say run away or run after the Delibird? Up till then, it sounds more like your character is inclined to give chase than to escape. =P Probably just a typo in that case.
    Another example:
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    Just hope one of them doesn't see me, it'd be a shame to get freed from jail only to get stuck in some kids box forever.
    A lot of stuff was missing from this sentence; I can understand colloquially removing the subject ("I") of the sentence, but it's a stretch to equate 'be a shame' with 'it would be (it'd be) a shame.'
    Finally, this one made me cringe:
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    The first week here not too bad, second week things started getting hazy by the end of the month I think I accomplished all I could, I had nothing new left to do but watch the entropy occur.
    Really long sentence; two commas. HRRRNNNNNG *dies*

    Read your story out loud to yourself; it may feel wierd to do so, but if you find yourself naturally wanting to pause between two words, chances are there should be a comma, semi-colon or colon between them. Punctuation, please. Please.


    Detail, Description:
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    Oh well it isn't too bad here. The scenery is nice, the air is peaceful, and as apex predator I don't have to worry about anything trying to attack me...
    I can see that you wanted to keep Frost's species a secret for as long as possible, barring hints like the introduction of an evolved form for Sneasel along with the new Generation II Pokémon, but there's no reason you couldn't have gone more into detail about things like the aforementioned 'nice scenery.' What do Frost's surroundings look like?
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    Looking around though I don’t see much different from what I was used to, the whole land did seem a bit shinier but it’s not that much different from what I was used to.
    Again, what is 'what I was used to?' Give us some details, and specify what it is that's shiny (sheets of ice, gleaming in tiny bits of sunlight that glimmer through cracks in the rocky ceiling?)
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    After a few minutes of running around like an idiot my eyes finally adjusted to the light. "Oh, wow..." The outside is much prettier then I remembered. The trees were streching out forever, the grass was silently waving in the wind, there was a noisless breeze that swam through out the whole field.
    Good; however, to be frank, you could have done more. Way more.
    There are other places, like the aforementioned post-fishing scene, where you neglect to describe Frost's surroundings entirely. Unfortunately, this is the level of writing at which such omissions seriously hurt your chances at a catch: you'll need to step it up.


    Dialogue: Your biggest problem with dialogue in this story is that it was very difficult to tell who was talking. After Frost is dropped off by the Delibird, the two disembodied Trainer voices are difficult to tell apart. The same goes for the exchange between Frost and the Trainer who's trying to catch her at the end of the story, even more so because it's such a long dialogue... You would do very well to put qualifiers or descriptions after each line of dialogue, for example (additions by me in red):
    Quote Originally Posted by Banditos
    "Well you prally want a real explanation, don't you?" the Trainer asked me, abruptly changing tack.
    "Wait a minute, you can understand me?" I said as the fact that he had actually responded to my questions a moment ago.
    "No why do you think that?" he shot back with a playful but somehow predatory grin.
    I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're just messing around, right? I'm not crazy or nothing am I?" I asked.
    "I don't know you too well, so I can't say for sure, but, yeah I'm playing with you. I can hear the mammals quite fine. It's all in the body language." At least he seems like he's answering seriously this time.
    "OK..." I have no idea what that means, "can you let me down now."
    He drops me down on the ground and sits on the earth himself.
    "I just didn't expect to see one of you over here and thought you'd be a good addition to my team," he explained.
    I'm not impressed. "Well sorry to say that your going to find another one cause I ain't gettin left in no computer corral or whatever they are."
    I bolded the words 'drops' and 'sits' because you suddenly changed to the present tense and then back (though the change back wasn't obvious because there wasn't anything but dialogue for another 14 lines.)

    Your dialogue should have actions woven into it, to make it more interesting. For example, which of the following two exchanges builds the characters better?

    "I dunno. They never told me."
    "Well, find out!"
    The man turned and fled.

    or,

    "I dunno," the lumpish man said, scratching his head and giving Beryl a worried, submissive look. "They never told me."
    "Well, find out!" snapped Beryl, her already strained patience reaching its limit. Watching as the black-clad goon turned and fled, she sighed and forced her clenched fists to relax. Why do I always get saddled with blundering incompetents for underlings? she wondered exasperatedly.

    The latter gives the reader a much clearer idea of who's talking, and a stronger impression of what they're like.


    Battles: Most of the story isn't based around battles, but the one near the end is pretty well done. Haha... Haiku Slam. xD The attacks are described better than anything else in your story, though unfortunately that's the case for most stories that lack descriptive detail.


    Character Count: 26,269 characters.


    Overall: The atmosphere of the story made a scattered 'introduction' permissible and even laudable (since you did it well and included all the most important information in those scattered bits.) The plotline was clear despite its convolutedness, and your character, an exiled Sneasel named Frost, brought interest to it by showing the reader that she can think of unorthodox but effective ways through each and every situation up to the end.
    What really hurt this story, to be honest, was the fact that descriptive detail fell completely by the wayside, when it needn't have done so. It's the work of a few sentences to explain where your character is at the beginning of a scene, and only half a paragraph to flesh out that explanation with good imagery that will paint a clear picture in your reader's mind.

    I enjoyed reading this, but kept having to back up and revise my image of what's going on because of some hint that Frost isn't really where I thought she was ("Oh, she's on the lake shore fishing for Magikarp... no wait, now she's poking her head out of the tree line.")


    Result:
    Sneasel: Not Caught.
    Magikarp: Caught.

    Feel free to do some editing, then IM me on AIM or PM me on the forums for a re-grade.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 24th December 2010 at 04:55 PM.
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    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Frosty chocolate milkshakes

    There's a lot more description and clarity in the narrative now, and you added more dialogue tags that indicate who's talking. It makes a difference, and I can say that the story now merits a Sneasel catch. Good job!

    In future, if you write a story that isn't clearly a constant internal monologue by the main character, like this one, you'll want to organize your paragraphs a bit better. Usually a significant change in the topic, or a description of actions performed by a different character/entity's than the rest of the paragraph, merits a line break.
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