Frostic Dreams(Ready for Grading!Comments welcomed)

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Thread: Frostic Dreams(Ready for Grading!Comments welcomed)

  1. #1
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    Default Frostic Dreams(Ready for Grading!Comments welcomed)

    Pokemon aimed for: Snorunt
    Range:Medium
    Required length: 10,000-20,000
    Length with Spaces:14,408
    Length without:11,810




    Silent, ever knowing, always aware. That would be how you describe a trainer how has only one thing on his mind. Power. Absolute power. The trainer is training his Pokémon in harsh environments, building up an immune to their weaknesses, making them stronger through the sheer will and promises to be the best. The trainer is not a demon as he shares a tight bond with his Pokémon. They would gladly follow him into the smoldering pits of hell if required.

    Snowpoint City's Outskirts are a homey little area. Log cabins and opened fields covered in fresh, fallen snow. It would be a majestic sight if not for the constant blizzards pounding away at the area. A little boy in a log cabin played with his Flareon he had just received as a birthday present.

    “Granny, Grandpa. When are momma and poppa coming home from the store?" he asked as the heated kitten like Pokémon sat on his lap and purred.

    The grandparents were not even that old. Barely in there fifties. The grandfather had black hair streaked with gray and the grandmother was a brunette with a single yet classy streak of gray down the left side."

    “Soon Sam. Soon. Just let them finish up their errands and we can all sit down for dinner." the grandfather said as he sat down in a black leather recliner, his hands moving swiftly over a black matte finished video game controller. Gunshots and rocket fire was heard from the huge flat screen television. “How in the world does my son enjoy these?"

    The grandmother poked her head out from the kitchen and smiled at the two. “Dinner will be ready soon. With everything you all want." She peered to the left and saw someone from the main front windows. A figure in all black.

    A black trench coat adorned with buckles and strange designs in gray. Heavy black boots and a black mask covering up to the bridge of his nose were also in his attire. The final piecing of his appearance, although not visible, was a female’s golden heart locket with the words “Holon" engraved on the front. As soon as he stepped onto the front porch, he removed the hood, revealing his long messy black hair.

    “Hello anyone inside!" he said through the mask as he rapped on the door with his knuckles, *creating a resonating sound. The door slowly opened and the grandfather smiled.

    “Can I help you?" he said in his naturally cheery demeanor.

    “Have you seen this Pokémon around?" the young adult said as he flashed a picture of a Snorunt, his main objective. The odd triangle was a key partner in his journey.

    “Yes I have. They appear in groups around here, along with Froslass's and Glalies. Good luck finding them. Those groups are always nothing but trouble, causing hailstorms and what not."

    The black clad person nodded and dropped a brown rucksack onto the porch. Grabbing four Pokeballs outs, he turned around and began to set off.

    “My name is Komuro. I'll be back for that soon." Komuro said as he pulled his hood on and walked out.

    Ice, sleet, snow, frost. Four words he could not wait to forget. He just wanted some nice chocolate MooMoo milk but instead is trekking across barren tundra on the search for a Pokémon that’s barely above his knee caps. Fun.

    He decided to stick close to the out walls of the area, easier to navigate and spot more Pokémon. As he walked, trainer after trainer attempted to challenge him. Snowboarders, skiers even Karate masters training in the snow to heighten their abilities. One by one they fell.

    Various shouts and cries were heard as a Rhyperior, Dusknoir, Raichu and Gengar lay motionless on the ground, their bodies leaving silhouettes in the freshly fallen snow.

    Komuro turned away from them as his Gallade, Exia, scoffed at their weakness as he turned and followed his owner.

    “Ga.Gallade." he said crossing his arms, careful not to cut his master.

    “Don't be so cocky. That Gengar almost had you. You’re slipping.

    Exia turned his head and growled.

    “Ease up. We need this Ice type to get back home. And maybe find my sister....." he said as his hand went over his chest, feeling the faint heart outline on his undershirt. Continuing his trek, he made it to the forest right outside of Lake Acuity.

    “Yes! Now all we need is a-SNORUNT!" he yelled as he saw the triangle shaped Pokémon scarfed down a Rawst Berry. Komuro smiled and decided it was time for some old cartoony ninja action. Moving along the trees, Komuro's eyes never left the Pokémon. He moved up from the back, the soft crunching of snow underneath his boots fueling his adrenaline. The Snorunt stopped. Can Pokémon smell adrenaline? Because this one did. The chase was on and this Pokémon was booking.

    For an Ice type Pokémon it ran quite fast. Faster than he ever seen an Ice Pokémon run, but due to its size he *cut it some slack. Weaving in and out between trees, hopping over rocks and fallen branches reminded him of home. And why he needed this Pokémon to get there. The small Pokémon continued to scurry, creating a small path the Komuro to follow. It ran and ran and ran some more, leading him away from Lake Acuity. And to somewhere untouched by humans

    “Exia use Night Slash! Cut that sucker off!" he yelled as he ran off to the left. The blade Pokémon nodded and appeared from the tops of the trees, its blades glowing a sickly dark purple. It slashed in an X, raising a wave of snow to block its path. It responded with an Ice Beam and froze the wave of snow. But Exia was one relentless bastard. It sent a well placed Leaf Blade into the center of the frozen mound. The mound shattered into fragments but the Snorunt was nowhere to be seen.

    Snorunt had slipped away, running into in to a small crack in an ice colored wall. Komuro can to a sliding stop, Exia following behind shortly. Exia decided to touch the wall while Komuro turned his head and gasped.

    “Ummm are we in still in Sinnoh?" he said as they were soon surrounded by a cavern glazed with ice. “No possible way of climbing out if here." he said as he walked around the circular room. The sun shone through the top opening of the room and revealed many different markings, almost unknown. Komuro's hands scaled the walls as he reached the main door way.

    “Delta....." he said as he said as the symbol glowed faintly and then faded.

    “COOL!!!!!" said a young voice from behind.

    In a reaction, Komuro spun around with a gun aimed at a normal adults head as general precaution. But there was no head. Or adult. Instead he found a young boy, bundled in a puffy red coat who was now afraid and cuddling his Flareon tightly. Sam.

    Komuro turned to the boy and then to the gun and sighed. “It's not even loaded. Relax." Komuro said walked to Sam and crouched, putting the gun in his coat pocket. “Why are you here? Even I don't know how far away from the cabin I am.

    “Oh were not far from the forest. This is a secret cavern that’s guarded by Froslass." he said in a know it all voice.

    “Then how did I get through the illusion?"

    “Well I don-wait how do you know that it's an illusion?" the boy said baffled and confused.

    “Ghost type equals illusion. Simple enough." he said as he turned to the door. “It's not opening up so I'm going to blast it down. Get behind me." he said as he threw a pokeball into the air. A giant tortoise appeared with a moss covered body and a tree sticking out. His trusty Torterra.

    “B-But this is ice. How's a grass Pokémon going t-" Sam said as he stared in awe as Torterra's body glowed a slight red.

    “Colonello! Energy Ball!" Komuro yelled as the Colonello opened its mouth and formed a dark green ball of energy. The tortoise then fired the ball of energy with the force of a cannon towards the dead center of the door. As it sped towards the door, it turned a autumn red and a slight blaze.

    As a Pokémon born and raised in Holon, Colonello had a special type advantage added. A fire type advantage. Ever since as Turtwig, it's special attacks gained a slight fire type advantage. It strived to be Komuro's best Pokémon considering he was his first Pokémon.

    The wall was eighteen inches thick and was about to crumble. The wall was hit with the massive Energy Ball attack and exploded. Then came another explosion with the force of ten blocks of C4. The two made sure to hold on to their teeth. The door fell in fragments, creating beautiful rainbows.

    Exia and Gallade began moving the debris but were shocked at what they had found. A arctic paradise. It was a multi layered coliseum.

    “Amazing! Tank and I found the room a long time ago and tried to use Flamethrower the door down but no luck." said Sam as he gazed at the amazing coliseum. But while they were gazing, *the whole area erupted into chatter. Walreins, Glalies, Froslasses, Mamoswines Dewgongs, even a Lapras in a small fountain in the middle of the arena. Even the preevolutions of those Pokémon were watching. Over a thousand Pokémon all had locks on them.

    “There it is!" yelled Komuro as he pointed to the Snorunt in the north east corner of the arena. All the other Pokémon growled in unison and began to attack. Shards of ice and beams of energy flew at Komuro and Sam. Komuro dropped to the ground and pulled Sam with him. Tank shot out a powerful Flamethrower while Colonello shot flaming Razor Leafs from the red glowing tree on its back. It made short work of the volley. Komuro sprinted of down the long flight of stairs to reach the inside of the coliseum. A risky move.

    At the bottom of the stairs, a raging Mamoswine ran up the steep flight of stairs, tusks ready to get their ivory white bloody red.

    “How the he-" he said looking at the oversized monster as the stairs began to crumble and break apart. He needed to get away when a shadow appeared behind him and wrapped him into a bright rainbow colored light. Soon the shadow and Komuro disappeared, leaving the Mamoswine crashing down to the ground. Its horns became impaled into ground as he struggled to get up.

    Komuro appeared in the middle of the arena and collapsed to his knees. Teleport. “Ughhh still never get use to that." he said as a green hand touched his shoulder, a look of concern plastered on her face. “Maylin!!!" he said happily as the Gardevoir smiled back and embraced him. She was warm in this frigid hellhole.

    “Alright come out!" he yelled as he threw his last Pokeball into the air. Out came a red and yellow Pokémon whose body was burning and ready for battle. His Magmortar turned its arms into cannons as a wave of Pokémon charge from all side. Soon Exia landed on Komuros front. And along with Colonello.

    Now a Pokémon the size of a tank landing on a frozen slab of ice would normally shatter into pieces. But it barely cracked. “Waaaaaaaait for it."
    BOOM!!! The ice shattered, leaving
    Komuro and Maylin on a slab separated from everyone else. Looks like its improvising time.

    The Snorunt was afraid. She shivered behind a Froslass and Glalie. Parental. They wanted to get rid of the nuisance once and for all. And the best way to do that was a combined Blizzard attack. The frosted attack speed towards the group, roaring with the parents desire to be left in peace. Komuros will was stronger.

    “Drop that Blizzard with a dual Flamethrower!" Komuro yelled as he saw a Walrein speed at him with a Super Fang ready to gnaw. The sheer rush from the attack rocked the small ice plate he and Maylin stood on. He pushed Maylin back and hopped back as the Super Fang tilted the ice plate, sending the two flying. Lucky they were sustained by the Gardevoirs psychic. Battle on.

    The two stood on the freezing water, outlined by a blue outline. Komuro tapped his foot on the water and found he would not go beneath the surface. “Hehe I feel like a ninja." he said as he started into a run across the water. Exia suspended himself on the water with Psychic in order to protect his sister. The Gardevoir needed perfect concentration to keep itself and Komuro afloat.

    Komuro ran and ran, hopping over the bodies of different Pokémon. He saw Collonello biting into the tail of a Dewgong and flung it pack of Sealeo, creating a pathway. Komuro smiled and jumped high, with the help of psychic, and landed on a pillar. He saw the Snorunt out the corner of his eye and watched as it saw as it shot an ice beam at his feet, sticking him to the pillar. The beam continued until it got to his waist when it was struck with a Flamethrower, sending it into a wall. Sam came into the arena to see his Flareon ready for his first fight.

    “I can do this. Just watch me!" he yelled as he saw commanded another flamethrower which was met with a powerful ice shard. The Pokémon was getting to ornery for Komuros taste.

    He needed to first get unstuck. The Froslass had appeared before him with a hypnosis attack to get him asleep but was soon met with a Fire Blast. The Magmortar wasn't even looking as it pinned a Walrein beneath its other cannon. The blast knocked the Froslass into the upper ceiling, leaving a Kanji shape for fire in the ice. Froslass slumped out and fell to the ground. Komuro snapped out of it and started to break himself from the ice. The Glalie roared and fired a Sheer Cold attack the started to freeze over the arena. As soon as it made it halfway, a green light struck it down into a crater. Exia walked out of the crater and gave Komuro thumbs up. He returned it and pulled his feet free.

    “Alright let’s finish this." he said as he jumped from the pillar and glided through the air to the other battle between Sam and the Snorunt. More Pokémon came charging from the other sides but Magmorter shot more Fire Blasts at the groups. No one got up back from that.

    Sam's first battle actually was going pretty well, despite the fact he stammered constantly. But the battle was pretty much wrapped up one the Flareon leaped at the Snorunt and bit it hard. A pillar of flames erupted from it and exploded. A dust cloud waved over and began to clear. The Flareon landed on all fours by Sam while the Snorunt groaned and tried to get up.

    Komuro floated down by Sam and wasted no time. The blue outline faded as he turned to Maylin. She was resting against Colonello. He smiled and silently thanked her. “Sorry for making you battle little dude." he said as he pulled out a pink pokeball with a small red heart on the top. “And sorry with leaving you with no reward." he said as he tossed the pokeball at the downed Snorunt. Same groaned and accepted it. He just had his first battle. No complaints.

    “I'm going to feel really bad if it's a boy."They both watched as the ball shook once, twice, trice......
    Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 22nd November 2010 at 12:37 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Frostic Dreams(Ready for Grading!Comments welcomed)

    Claimed. Because if I don't this will end badly for me.....
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Frostic Dreams(Ready for Grading!Comments welcomed)

    Intro: The intro is great, because it introduces us to Komuro's personality. He's ruthless, he gets what he wants, he does whatever it takes to win. It gets the point across and it makes the story interesting. Who is this guy? He sounds badass. Like maybe he's Indiana Jones and James Bond combined. We don't know, but we want to find out. Also, it lets us know how loyal his Pokemon are, which I have a feeling will come into play in later chapters....

    Plot: The plot is simple, but unique at least. We also have some hints for next chapter, such as Komuro's lost home and sister. Also, can I congratulate you on using Holon as a plot point? I thought I was the only one who knew what that was. It's pretty interesting in any case and I'm sure it will really add to this story. In the future, try to add a little more to the plot though. All that really happened was Komuro met some old people and a little kid, chased a Snorunt, and got in an epic battle. For higher rank Pokemon, I'd want just a little bit more. However, this isn't too bad, so yeah.

    Dialogue: Your dialogue was mostly fine, but you had a lot of grammatical problems with it (which I tore apart below). You do make the characters sound natural in the way they're speaking, which can be difficult at times, so good job on that.

    Grammar: I know you typed this up on your ipod, but you still had a lot of grammar issues, so make sure to check these out.

    building up an immune to their weaknesses
    'Immune' should be 'immunity'

    he asked as the heated kitten like Pokémon sat on his lap and purred.
    'Kitten like' should be 'kitten-like'

    Barely in there fifties
    'There' should be 'their'.

    Just let them finish up their errands and we can all sit down for dinner." the grandfather said
    Change that period to a comma.

    revealing his long messy black hair
    There needs to be a comma in there, like this:

    revealing his long, messy black hair
    “Hello anyone inside!"
    Put a comma after 'hello' and change the exclamation point to a question mark.

    along with Froslass's and Glalies
    Pokemon names are the same for plural and singularl, so it should just be 'Froslass' and 'Glalie'.

    He just wanted some nice chocolate MooMoo milk but instead is trekking across barren tundra on the search for a Pokémon that’s barely above his knee caps.
    You need a comma after 'milk'

    He decided to stick close to the out walls of the area
    Is 'out' supposed to be 'outer'?

    Snowboarders, skiers even Karate masters training in the snow to heighten their abilities
    You need a comma after 'skiers'.

    Various shouts and cries were heard as a Rhyperior, Dusknoir, Raichu and Gengar lay motionless on the ground
    You need a comma after 'Raichu'.

    he yelled as he saw the triangle shaped Pokémon scarfed down a Rawst Berry
    'Triangle shaped' should be 'triangle-shaped' and 'scarfed' should be 'scarf'.

    “No possible way of climbing out if here." he said
    'If' needs to be 'of' and the period needs to be a comma.

    Komuro said walked to Sam and crouched, putting the gun in his coat pocket.
    You need a comma after 'said' and after 'Sam'.

    Ever since as Turtwig, it's special attacks gained a slight fire type advantage.
    It should be 'Ever since it was a Turtwig' or something similar. Also, 'it's' should be 'its'.

    coliseum
    This should be 'colosseum'.

    Lucky they were sustained by the Gardevoirs psychic
    Psychic needs to be capitalized, because all moves are proper nouns.

    Detail: You do a good job describing the scenes in your story, the characters, the Pokemon, and the Pokemon's moves. In the future, try adding a little more detail to the Pokemon, because you were just a little bit short there. Also, you repeat adjectives a lot, so maybe try an online thesaurus or something of that nature. Oh and maybe try to explore the landscape a little more too. I'm sure you could think up amazing descriptions of Sinnoh, Holon, and wherever Komuro's journey takes him.

    Length: You needed 10k and you have about 14.5k, so you're fine.

    Reality: There was nothing particularly unrealistic about this story that I noticed. Yay! No plotholes. ^^

    Personal Feelings: This story was all right. In the future I'd like to see your plots become more complex and a bit more detail. Also, work on your grammar a lot please. It might be easier if you type everything up on the computer rather than your ipod. Or try reading some of your story out loud to make sure it sounds right. Anyways, to the part you wanna hear:

    Outcome: Snorunt.....captured.


    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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