The Four Lives of Morgan (Prologue) (Ready for Grade)

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    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default The Four Lives of Morgan (Prologue) (Ready for Grade)

    Pokemon Capture: Shellos
    Needed Characters: 5k
    Actual Characters: 5778


    The pain never ended. It washed over her like a wave, and like a wave, there was nothing she could do to hold it back. Another wave, another scream she had to bite back. Then without warning, the waves stopped. She sighed in relief and listened to the peaceful sound of rain falling on the roof. It was a sound that made her feel peaceful. It was a sound that tied her to a world she wouldn’t be in much longer. She slid out of her bed, onto the floor and found she could barely support her own weight. She limped to the door of her room and grabbed the cane she had left leaning against the wall.

    She couldn’t stand to be in her house much longer. It smelled like sickness and death and she knew the awful smell came from her. She knew the end was coming, had known it for a long time, but that didn’t make it easier. Dying was never easy. This would probably be the last day she would be strong enough to leave her house. When she realized this, a lump formed in her throat and tears stung the back of her eyes, but she refused to cry. I am only one, she thought. Even when I am gone, things will go on. There’s nothing to cry for. Nothing is being lost, except for me, and I’ll be alright. And with this thought she comforted herself.

    Lilycove, the town she had once loved, wasn’t any less depressing than her home. The sky was a dreary gray and rain continued to pour down onto her. A chilly breeze made her shiver, but she enjoyed it. The icy touch of it on her skin made her feel more alive, more connected. Normally, she felt as though she were attached to life by no more than a thin piece of thread. Her soaking wet clothes and hair reminded her that she was still here.

    She started walking toward downtown, then changed her mind and headed the other direction, towards the beach. Slowly but surely, the hard pavement turned into soft sand. She kicked off her sandals and left them by the edge of the road. So what if someone stole them? She wouldn’t have to buy another pair.

    Walking alongside the ocean always cleared her head. Even before she was diagnosed, she had liked being here by the edge of the sea. Something about the ocean was reassuring. It was so huge and powerful; so eternal. The ocean would always be there, even as people and Pokemon passed. The roar of the waves filled her head until she was no longer thinking, only moving forward. Finally, she began to come back. How long had she been walking? She looked around, but didn’t seem to recognize anything. She couldn’t hear any of the sounds of Lilycove. The only noise was from the sea and the endless rain. For a moment, she felt a twinge of fear, but it instantly faded into apathy. What could it hurt? There was no reason to go back. It might be better to die out here, away from everything. She started to walk again, but this time locked her gaze on a huge cliff ahead of her. She could see the entrances to hundreds of small caves on the outside. She would be able to get out of the rain at least.

    As she approached the caves, she noticed something moving a few feet in front of her. She slowed down and tried to sneak up to it. She had never owned a Pokemon; hadn’t even been close to anything bigger than a Wingull or a Zigzagoon. The little creature was a bright blue color and looked like a slug. The name was on the tip of her tongue. She had seen a nature documentary on them a long time ago. Shellos, that was it. But they didn’t live in Hoenn. They lived in Sinnoh, on the other side of the sea. She watched the sea slug Pokemon curiously. Suddenly, its head darted up as if it had been startled. It looked directly into her eyes and for a moment looked surprised. Then the corners of its mouth turned up in a grin.

    “Shel…los,” it said softly.

    “Hello, there,” said the girl, charmed by the little creature that was crawling towards her. It began to rub against her leg in an almost cat-like way. She bent down to pet it and laughed at the odd, squishy texture of its skin. “What’s your name?” she asked it.

    “Shell,” the Shellos replied.

    “Shell,” she tried out the name. “I like it. My name is-“

    “Morgan,” the Shellos responded for her.

    She stared at it with wide eyes. “My…you know my name? You can talk?”

    “Morgan,” it said again, as if that answered her questions. It began to slither away, then stopped and looked back. “Morgan,” it called to her.

    Morgan felt like she had no choice but to follow. The Shellos lead her past several cave openings and into what seemed like a canyon in the cliff. High walls rose up on each side of her and the sound of the ocean became almost hypnotic. Her Pokemon guide led her further and further into the maze, until finally, she found herself outside a cave. Somewhere inside, she could see a pulsing blue light.

    “Follow me, Morgan,” the Shellos said in a sing-song voice and she did.

    The cave was humid and oddly warm. Morgan felt safe inside of it, especially as she was bathed in blue light. It was a pale blue, almost white, that seemed to light up everything and make things almost translucent. She looked down at her arms and found she could see the bones and muscles inside of them. Her normally bright red hair was now an odd violet color.

    Finally, Morgan reached what the Shellos has been leading her to. She fell to her knees. In front of her, was a conch shell that seemed to be the source of the light. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. It seemed to fill her mind and she could focus on nothing else.

    “Touch,” the Shellos urged her.

    Morgan slowly reached forward and touched the conch. A tingling sensation ran up through her fingers and spread until it felt like every atom was alive with some manic energy. The world around her vanished and Morgan heard singing. The singing grew louder and louder and then there was silence.

    To be continued....
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 3rd April 2011 at 08:43 PM.
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    Default Re: The Four Lives of Morgan (Prologue) (Ready for Grade)

    Claiming this! :L

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    Default Re: The Four Lives of Morgan (Prologue) (Ready for Grade)

    Introduction/Plot:

    You give a great account of both the physical and mental pain Morgan suffers and you introduce straight away some very prominent themes, such as death and sorrow in how she has almost given up with life already. It was a really nice touch by using waves as a metaphor for pain and how the waves ended up becoming a recurrent subject as she heads to the beach for her final time. The use of powerful buzz words like pain being repeated again and again really do start to take ahold of the reader's interest. We really do get a great description of Morgan's mental state from the first to paragraphs.

    But, it almost seems redundant as we don't learn a thing about the world she lives in, what she looks like, how she has come so close to death. There are a little too much loose ends given for the reader to really have their suspicion aroused. I would recommend actually making sure that you have gotten a few things out from the introduction; did you capture the reader's attention, briefly ignite the plot's fluid, describe the most central characters and locations! Okay, how can we visualise this girl or the location, whilst still maintaining the depressing and ominous feel introduced?

    ~Hint at how she looks; was her dirty hair obscuring her vision, or perhaps her skin was pale from her inability to leave the house, or better yet, were there dark rings beneath her eyes from sleep deprivation caused by her disease?

    All in all, it is definitely a good intro, excellent in some areas, a little lacking in others. Repetition did help, but don't overuse this for fear of boring the reader.

    The plot was quite interesting, despite its shortness. I can tell that this is just a prologue of sorts and that there will be other, lengthier chapters to come. The characters were introduced effectively in the sense that the only other character, Shellos, appeared when not much was happening. Despite being a little slow and being relatively bare, it was still an interesting read and would encourage me to read on in further chapters. So, good job.

    Detail:

    The detail s were rather patchy, to be honest. There wasn't a clear description given of Morgan or Shellos asz characters. It is vital that these are described to us so that they'll be memorable in later chapters and the reader can get a clear mental image of the characters. When Shellos was introduced, it was basically, "oh look, a blue Pokemon not from here." There are so many aspects of Shellos' appearence you could take advantage from -> squishy, "huggable" appearence, permanent broad grin, the wavey patterns it has all along its body and so on. Is theur anything distinct or special about it to make it stand out? Is it different that a the other Shellos for some reason, other than the power of human speech?

    Now, with scenery, there were three different locations mentioned in this story: her house, the beach, the caves. And I'm gonna re-enforce the word "mentioned" here. We know so little about them when we could use a lot more.

    Keep an eye on this section from now on, 'kay?

    Length:



    Grammar:

    You be real purdy in this here section.

    Personal Opinion:

    All in all, this was a little better than average. But with so many stories under your belt, I expected more. Granted, this is only for a simple ranked 'mon so you'll definitely get it. Please watch out for the physical aspect of details from now on. I'd hate to see good plotlines go to waste, or, somewhere less than perfect XD.

    Shellos captured

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