Fortress Beneath the Waves (WWC)

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  1. #1
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Default Fortress Beneath the Waves (WWC)

    Fortress Beneath the Waves


    So many great, or rather horrible battles had been fought near this land, and all for what? The once valued fortress that protected the land, and the once heavily protected land, have long since been returned to were it originally came from, deep beneath the sea.

    The humans that built the fortress have passed away; probably sadden by the lost of that which they worked so hard for. Although their descendants, they know that it’s not all lost. Some have seen it with they own eyes, others have just heard it on the news: the fortress is full of life. Water Pokemon of different species have gathered there. The area around the fortress had become a very popular breeding ground for them. Their babies are kept inside the now mossy stone walls where they live, eat, and play until they evolve or at least feel ready to venture into the open waters. That is, until the day they return to guide the new generation into the safety of the undersea stronghold. But, one can’t help but wonder, with so many different Pokemon out there, how save is it really?


    Chapter 1: Orange Courage


    The wind was blowing hard, open blue skies as far as the eye could see with the sun shining as a center piece. The land…What land? There wasn’t any visible for miles; just wide open seas. The cool breeze carried the salty smell of the waters and even its taste if someone would have actually been around to taste it, but no, no one was there, at least not above the water. It was under the water that the sea came to life. Pokemon of all shapes and sizes swam around looking for food, for fun, or just exploring. But, there was one spot where there didn’t seem to be any Pokemon.

    At a specific time of the year, you’d probably find too many Pokemon to count, but that time was far away. However, there seemed to be something moving there. It looked like a ball of moss with spiky yellow fins. The ball began to move towards what looked like a massive rock formation with green moss all over it. In reality, the formation was the old ruins of what used to be a military fortress. As the strange creature approached it, there appeared to be the only entrance as any other had been barricade with debris. The creature looked back. The way it looked, it was as if scanning the area, not for something, but for someone. Not finding anyone, it slowly backed into the fortress as if making sure it wasn’t followed.

    Inside, the creature shook off all the moss revealing what looked like a blue and red piranha, better known as Carvanha. That was a rare sighting in these parts for sure. As he slowly swam, sneaking from corner to corner, he found many hallways, although none of them were complete. A lot of walls have been destroyed, probably in war. Still, even with that, it didn’t seem to bother the little Pokemon that lived inside, or Carvanha either. There were red fish with long whiskers swimming aimlessly through the halls, Magikarp really, and that really seemed to be all that was in here, until Carvanha reached the center room.

    And that’s where they were, Pokemon, all small, but finally colors different than red: round blue Chinchou swam from corner to corner swinging around their yellow raindrop-shaped antennae, Flat Mantike with big eyes being followed by smaller light blue Remoraid, and even some purple shellfish with long tongues known as Shellder simply laying around on the floor. The gigantic room itself was damaged beyond recognition, although some formations and broken stones were a clear sign that this actually used to be more than one room. Carvanha’s eyes opened widely as he didn’t expect to see so many Pokemon in one place.

    For a moment, Carvanha thought that swimming here would gather no attention, but he was wrong. As soon as he was noticed, all the activity in the room ceased for a moment. Every Pokemon stared, some in surprise, some in fear, either way, within seconds, they all suddenly gathered in the corner furthest away from Carvanha. To think Carvanha thought he was in trouble, now it was different. With everyone being afraid of him, now he was in charge.

    Carvanha swam proudly to the center of the room, looking down towards the mess of Pokemon in that one corner. Then, Carvanha thought for a moment and figured it would be fun to see how scared of him they really were. With a smug faced, he swam forward and then opened his jaws. At that moment, just when the group of Pokemon seemed to be about to panic, a sharp piece of ice came from bellow and hit Carvanha right on the jaw.

    Carvanha was surprised and swam backwards looking for the source of the attack, but he didn’t have much time as immediately other shards were launched towards him. He swiftly moved to the right avoiding one only to place himself in the path of another and then two more hit instantaneously. The shards seemed to sting as Carvanha closed his eyes each time it got hit. But now, now he knew where the attacks were coming from. He looked bellow and there she was, a Shellder, but, not an ordinary Shellder, an Orange one, staring furiously at Carvanha.

    Carvanha was intrigued rather than angry. He looked at the Pokemon cowering in a corner and quickly back at Shellder. It was obvious that he pondered why this one wasn’t afraid. Carvanha swam closer to the floor, but keeping his distance from the Shellder. They both stared at each other, and soon it began. The water around Carvanha became turbulent as he was propelled towards Shellder for an attack. Shellder immediately rolled in her tongue and closed her shell. Just as Carvanha was about to strike, the orange shellfish’s exterior suddenly became smoother, shinier, and unknown to Carvanha, harder. Carvanha might as well had hit a wall as his attack connected. Giving out a small screech in pain, Carvanha bounced back a fair distance.

    “Shellder!” the bivalve Pokemon shouted as she opened up and a small ball of blue light was fired out towards Carvanha.

    Carvanha had just recovered from his previous impact when he saw the attack approaching, but there was nothing he could do as the attack was moving at an impressive speed. The light hit Carvanha right between his eyes giving out a tiny flash. As the flash cleared, Carvanha’s face was covered in ice. He began falling down and hit the floor face first where the thin layer of ice shattered. Carvanha shook the remaining ice off and stared directly at Shellder. Carvanha was now angry, or at least that’s what his face showed. Inside, he was curious about this one Shellder. Those attacks were strong, so, he probably wondered why a strong Pokemon would be hiding there. He now had a plan in mind.
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 29th December 2010 at 11:00 PM.

  2. #2
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fortress Beneath the Waves (WWC)

    Carvanha looked up as currents began building inside the room. Some of the Pokemon were moved by the water but quickly fought their way against it and back to their corner. The currents gathered in front of Carvanha as a blue sphere of energy began forming. Without wasting any time, Carvanha looked towards Shellder and the sphere was fired. Shellder didn’t seem intimidated by that attack at all, no. She actually jumped forward as she opened her shell wider. Just when the attack was about to hit, she closed her shell clamping the sphere and shattering it. Carvanha suddenly smiled. He felt like he had to try something else, just to see what she would do, but, he didn’t get the chance.

    While Carvanha was plotting on what to try next, Shellder jumped upwards and began to spin. As she did, the water around her began to swirl as well until it became a full Whirlpool. The Whirlpool was quickly moving towards Carvanha, but, he wasn’t too impressed. He jumped right into the Whirlpool and began swimming along its current avoiding damage, but not for long. Shellder suddenly began glowing in a full spectrum of light and, within seconds, the glow gathered in front of her forming into a beam that shared the same multitude of colors. The beam swiftly made its way to the base of the Whirlpool. Unknown to Carvanha, the Whirlpool began absorbing the energy from the beam.

    As Carvanha was about to jump out towards Shellder, he stopped moving. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt as if his physical energy was being pulled away. At this moment, the Whirlpool swallowed him and that’s where he noticed all the energy that had covered him. He was becoming frustrated and did the only thing he could think of. He aim upwards and swam as fast as he could. He struggled for a moment as he started focusing his energy. He managed to push the water back as the speed of his swim started to increase and, to Shellder’s surprise, he rocketed upwards out of the Whirlpool, but he didn’t stop there. He quickly turned around towards Shellder and opened his mouth letting out a jet stream of water.

    Surprised by the attack, Shellder couldn’t find a way to dodge in time. The stream of water hit her right in the front of her shell sending her flying backwards. She began opening and closing her shell to push the water back. As she did, she slowed down and regained her ground. She landed gently on the floor and glare at the intruder once again, or at least, on the outside, it was a glare. Inside, Shellder was actually enjoying herself. She hadn’t had good battle like this in a long time, and she could tell that he, whoever the intruder was, was really just playing with her. Why? She didn’t have the slightest clue.

    Just when she started preparing herself for the next attack, she noticed something different in her opponent; he was smiling. Yes, Carvanha was smiling. But, it wasn’t an evil grin. It was a peaceful smile. Carvanha nodded, as if thanking Shellder for the battle. Then, he turned around and swam away. Shellder was puzzled, but she wasn’t alone in that. All the other Pokemon gathered around her, staring in the direction Carvanha had left with curiosity.

    “Who was that strange character that came in here?” “What did he want?” Those were probably the questions in everyone’s mind. Except for that one brave orange Shellder whose face seemed lost in thought. Whoever that was, it was clear to her, she had to battle him again some day.

    In the hallways, Carvanha was happy to have found this place as he found his way out of the fortress, but, as he crossed the exit, the expression on his face changed. It became an angry one as he began swimming from side to side loudly as if looking for trouble. And trouble he seemed to have found as a shadow, no, two shadows seemed to approached him. Carvanha knew they were there, but he didn’t pay attention.

    Suddenly, two red octopus-like creatures ambushed him, wrapping their tentacles around Carvanha, as if trying to imprison him, and it worked. Creating a cage with their bodies, the two Octillery, as they are commonly known, dragged Carvanha away. They kept on swimming, but strangely, Carvanha didn’t show any resistance.

    Eventually, they three arrived at dark blue stone wall, or at least it seemed dark blue since the murk in this area was thick. The wall was filled with openings, but strangely, each of them had what looked like bars made of ice. Could this be a Pokemon prison of some sort? There were several large blue fish with yellow faces swimming back and forth in front of the caves as if patrolling the area. Judging from the yellow spheres in their antennae, these must have been Lanturn.

    The Octillery kept swimming to the top cave where they carefully approached the bars. They both stared at the bars, focusing, and suddenly shot out of their mouths what, for a moment, looked like flames. Although the water was quickly putting out the fire, the heat was enough to melt the ice, but only a little, just enough for them to open their arms and push Carvanha inside. Immediately, the two shot out a strange blue lighting from their mouths which quickly rebuilt the bars. Carvanha finally reacted and attempted to tackle the bars, but a Lanturn quickly appeared on the other side with electricity sparking out of its body. The serious look on Lanturn’s face was nothing to joke about, so Carvanha turned around and headed towards the air bubble at the top of the cave.

    There, another larger Pokemon was waiting. Dark blue, red eyes, a yellow scar on its forehead, and of course, big sharp teeth; Sharpedo is what they call it, probably for its shark-like appearance. It looked menacingly at Carvanha, but Carvanha didn’t show fear. He actually smiled and began making a strange coughing sound. Was he trying to speak? If he was, this was no language known to humans. Either way, Sharpedo seemed to understand. As Sharpedo listened, it began to grin evilly. Clearly, it was plotting something, and was actually excited about it. The two Pokemon looked at each other and nodded as they dived deeper into the cave.

    “Sharpedo!” shouted the shark-like Pokemon as they stared at the darkest corner of the cave. A pair of glowing eyes opened up from within the shadows, but, Carvanha and Sharpedo weren’t scared. They were waiting expectantly.

    Outside of the cave, the Lanturn were all still patrolling the area, when suddenly, the bars from the top cave burst open. Immediately, all the Lanturn turned around and began swimming in that direction, but at that moment, a strange sound filled the water. It was like a ghostly moan, or more like a ghostly screech. Its pitch kept changing back and forth from high to low. The Lanturn all seemed to be pain and even the moaning sound of the other prisoners could be heard as everyone was suffering from these strange notes. All the Lanturn began to fall to the bottom of the wall; all of them severely weakened.

    Back in the cave, Sharpedo and Carvanha were safely waiting in a patch of dry rock above the bubble of air. As the sound subsided, the two Pokemon jumped into the water and swam out of the cave followed by a larger creature. Whatever the creature was, it had the save evil glare as the other two. And now they were all free.

    …to be continued…


    *End of Chapter 1*



    Author's notes:

    -Target Pokemon: Carvanha (medium)
    -Characters: Aprox. 14,000
    -Characters required: 10,000
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 29th December 2010 at 10:59 PM.

  3. #3
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fortress Beneath the Waves (WWC)

    Because this is for the WWC and you still have time to work on this story, I'm going to be more detailed than I usually am with stories of this length. You're an experienced author, so bear with me, please =)

    Introduction:

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    The once valued fortress that protected the land, and the once heavily protected land...
    The repeat of "protected land " so close to each other seems a bit wordy to me. It did serve a purpose an introducing the fortress and this mysterious land to me, but still a little wordy. That's more of a personal feeling than a concrete opinion. If you agree with me, than there are many ways to adjust that sentence. "The once heavily protected land and the once valued fortress that protected it..." Though even that revision seems a touch off to me. Luckily, it's just an example. You can tinker with the introductory sentences and see what you come up with.

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    Although their descendants, they know that it’s not all lost
    I can see that you were trying to go for a personal touch here via use of the word "they", but it came off as confusing to me. Ask yourself if this sentence would be better if it was "Although their descendants know that it's not all lost."

    In general, my impression of the intro was good. It gave me a peek at the plot and caught my interest by introducing me to questions like "What is this fortress? What about these Pokemon? What happened to the land?"

    --
    Grammar 'n yada-yada:

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    The once valued fortress that protected the land, and the once heavily protected land, have long since been returned to were it originally came from, deep beneath the sea.
    "It" should be they, since you are talking about both the fortress and the land it was on.

    There were a few typos. The only ways to fix that is by proofreading more (several times, at different times of the day) and/or get a beta (a friend who reads your fiction) to look through your story and find the things you've missed. Normally I wouldn't suggest a beta, especially since you didn't have a notable amount of typos, but when the story is important, then a beta might not be a bad idea.

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    But, one can’t help but wonder, with so many different Pokemon out there, how save is it really?
    'How save is it' or 'How safe is it'?

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    With a smug faced, he swam forward and then opened his jaws.
    Smug faced what? Smug faced grin? Or maybe you meant simply "With a smug face..."

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    ...a sharp piece of ice came from bellow and hit Carvanha right on the jaw.
    Bellow or below?

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    The Whirlpool was quickly moving towards Carvanha, but, he wasn’t too impressed.
    "But" is not usually followed by a comma. Preceded by a comma, yes, but not followed by a comma.
    --
    Your Use of Description:

    One of your strongest areas was description. While you were visualizing this story, you remembered all the senses (sight/sound/smell/touch/taste). It shows that you really put thought into this story.

    There are times you should be vague with a reader and times when you should be specific. Usually, the reader appreciates if you go the route of being specific (unless you have a good purpose to being vague). Example:

    Quote Originally Posted by From FBW
    The shards seemed to sting as Carvanha closed his eyes each time it got hit. .
    'Seemed to'? Why not say 'The shards stung Carvanha' or some variation of that sentence? I can see this is your chosen style throughout the story--to slowly bring the reader into the events as they unfold. Which is fine. I just think that is one moment where being specific would have had a greater impact.

    When you use specific words over vague words, then you can make more of an impression on the reader. The vague words in that quote actually aren't too bad as this section of the story isn't that notable. Just remember that when you come to important parts of your story, being specific (like "a dozen" over a "handful") can a tool in your arsenal of tricks to really impress upon the reader that [whatever] is important.

    Also, you suddenly switched Carvanha's gender--from "it" to "him". I was not confused, but I did notice the change. There was no explanation offered for why Carvanha's gender was discovered, which leads me to think that you unconsciously switched pronouns. Unless you show the discovery or change of genders or whatnot to the reader, than you should keep the gender consistent.

    --
    Plot:

    Starts off with a mysterious fortress, then comes in with a cute Carvanha swimming around and ends with Carvanha following this mysterious large Pokemon.

    I dunno. I know this is only part of a forthcoming series of chapters, but I still have questions that you will to answer in later chapters: what's up with the fortress? And the mysterious Pokemon that Carvanha is with currently? And why was he captured, exactly? And the Shellder--will we see her again? It seemed like she and Carvanha might have a future relationship.

    Anyway, to talk about this chapter, which is what you will be graded on: when Carvanha was being taken to his prison by the Octillery and than when Carvanha meets up with Sharpedo, I started to lose interest. I don't know if that is a personal feeling, or perhaps because you did more telling than actually showing me the events. It's a kind of important part to your story and while you didn't skim over it, you did tell me what was going on more than showing me. It is a personal preference here: like telling me that Sharpedo was planning something vs. letting me come to that conclusion my own with helpful hints from you.

    There are many questions that I have about the plot, but this is only the first chapter, so it is understandable that there are questions.

    --
    Battle:

    Good. As far as strategy goes, the battle was okay. Not stupefying good strategy, but decent.

    What I am more impressed by though is your decision to take the battle and turn it into a big moment in the story and do it well. The battle accounted for a good chunk of your story. Because you remembered to include the Pokemon's emotions and the environment, I was actually interested in the battle.
    --
    Length:

    Approx. 13,900 characters =)

    --
    Conclusion:

    There are still a lot of questions left unanswered and if you were going for a harder level 'mon, I might make you go on more with the story. But you're not and this is a promising start to your story, so...Carvanha captured! Congrats =) It was an interesting read.
    --
    Other: I found Carvanha's seeming lack of emotions when he was captured interesting. I'd expect more of a reaction, but perhaps there is a good reason that will be revealed later on why he was not very worried.
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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