Forgotten (Rated T for disturbingish events and language)

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  1. #1
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Forgotten (Rated T for disturbingish events and language)

    Pokemon Aimed For: Ralts
    Necessary Characters: 10k
    Actual Characters: 11023


    What you say or do doesn't matter: only feelings matter. If they could make me stop loving you—that would be the real betrayal.
    -1984 by George Orwell



    When I woke, I felt soft sunlight on my skin. The warmth enveloped me and I sighed in contentment. I opened my eyes. Everything around me was beautiful; I was lying in a soft patch of grass next to a small brook. I saw dirty, grey buildings in the distance, but even they were amazing in their own way. I felt as though I were seeing everything for the first time.

    What a wonderful world, I thought dreamily, yet somehow, the thought seemed flat, almost meaningless. Troubled, I dug in my head, trying to find a memory to compare this day to. There was nothing. I felt panic rising in my chest and I tried to remember simple information. What was my name? Where had I come from? It was all blank. I tried to calm myself. There’s a word for it. It starts with an a… I dug deep into the recesses of my mind, until I found the word. I grabbed it and struggled to bring it to the surface of my consciousness. There! Amnesia… I had amnesia. Having a proper diagnosis made me feel a little bit better. Now that I knew what the problem was, I could think of a way to solve it. To start, I went over to the stream and stared into it, searching for my reflection. My body was a pale white, my head green, striped with red. I felt another name hidden beneath the currents of my thought. Ralts… It wasn’t my name, but it was a name. It was what I was. With nothing better to do, I began to walk towards the buildings.

    As I walked, I began to look at everything around me. Flower… I thought as I passed a red, fragile little thing rising from the grass. Pidgey… As a small brown bird Pokemon flew by. After a while, I started to feel a shooting pain in my side. I looked down and noticed something I hadn’t seen in the brook; an ugly purple bruise on my side. I briefly wondered where it came from, before deciding that it didn’t matter and continuing on my way. Then I began to hear voices.

    “How is Test Subject #596?” said a deep voice.

    “At last examination, he was bruised, but able to battle. He is physically healthy and the Psych Manipulation seems to not have any negative effects on him,” responded someone who sounded more feminine.

    “Very good,” the first voice said. “If all goes according to plan over the next few weeks, we’ll start administering the drug to our first human test subjects.”

    “Very well, sir.”

    I heard one pair of feet walking away and one coming closer. Curious, I stayed where I was. When the human came into view, I felt an odd sense of déjà vu. She seemed so familiar… Curly black hair, green eyes that gleamed with intelligence, a white lab coat… All of these things seemed to trigger a memory in mind that stubbornly refused to reveal itself to me.

    “Hello, there, 596,” she said to me sweetly, and reaching down, she picked me up in her arms. “Time for more training today.” She held me against her chest so that I couldn’t see our surroundings. Still, I could feel the warmth of the sunlight fade and the chill of air conditioning take its place. We had gone inside one of the buildings. I felt us turn around a few corners, but soon enough, we came to a stop. She set me down on a tile floor and I blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the fluorescent light. “Ready for your first battle of the day?” Without waiting for an answer, she turned and left the room. I looked around and found myself in a gray, concrete room. I heard a grinding sound and quickly turned towards it. A portion of the wall opposite me was sliding open.

    From the opening came a monstrous, serpentine Pokemon that was an ugly shade of purple; a color almost identical to my bruise.

    “Battle 1,” I heard an electronic voice say. It seemed to come from the ceiling. “Ralts vs. Arbok. Commence battle.”

    “Arbok, use Bite!” someone shouted.

    “Dodge and use Psychic, Ralts!” It was the woman’s voice. I still couldn’t place where I had seen her before, nor could I remember anything.

    The cobra Pokemon slithered towards me, its mouth gaping open, fangs dripping poison. I shivered and felt myself freeze up. Then, as if in a trance, I leaped to the side with lightning speed, barely avoiding the venomous Bite. I felt a twitching inside of my head and a wave of Psychic energy flowed out of me and struck the Arbok, which roared in pain.

    “Don’t let it stop you, Arbok! Use Crunch!”

    “Psychic again, Ralts!”
    Once again, I felt an odd sensation in my head, but this time, I didn’t move fast enough. I felt blinding pain as my opponent sunk its fangs into me. The pain was more intense than anything I had felt in my entire life. I looked down and could actually see its curved teeth buried in my side, venom gushing into my veins.

    “Son of a bitch!” a human voice yelled from somewhere behind me. “Call the emergency health department, this guy’s going to critical!”

    I felt myself being picked up by a pair of warm hands as my vision started to go blurry. As everything went dark, I found myself face to face with the female scientist from earlier. Before she had seemed fairly pretty, but now her features seemed distorted, her mouth twisted in a scowl. “This one is too weak,” she said. “He’s no good.”

    “We’re supposed to keep them alive anyways. They can still be used for other kinds of testing,” another voice responded.

    Then there was darkness.

    When I opened my eyes, I felt warm all over again. Then, there was a terrible, stabbing pain all over my body. I began to moan.

    “Shh… ”someone whispered in my ear. “Everything is going to be just fine now.” My head felt…damp. I blinked in confusion.

    “You? Who are you?” I asked. Whoever had spoken to me wasn’t a human. They sounded like another Pokemon.

    “I don’t know,” they answered.

    Finally, my fevered brain was able to detect the source of the voice. It was coming from my left. I turned my head and came face to face with the most beautiful Pokemon I had ever seen. She was taller than me, but not too much taller. Her body was cloaked in what appeared to be a white sundress and she had long green hair and legs. Two ruby-colored eyes stared into my brown ones. “Don’t try to talk,” she told me. “You’re very weak. Just listen.”

    She bent closer to me, her mouth right next to the side of my head. “Don’t act like I’m saying anything,” she whispered. I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing, trying to look like I was sleeping. “That’s good,” she said, “Listen carefully. I was battling another Pokemon, a few days ago. He told me this was some kind of testing facility. Up until he told me, I woke up every day with no memory of myself or my life. They’re drugging us so we forget ourselves. If they try to feed you anything, don’t take it, okay? If you don’t eat anything, you’ll be fine.”

    I nodded, barely moving my head, just enough so that she could see.

    “That’s good.” She pressed her mouth to my head and my heart stopped. “I’ve been trying to talk to you the last couple of days. I’ve seen you around. I know you can fight them.”

    Me? She thought that I was worthy? I felt warmth flowing through my chest.

    “What’s your name?” I whispered, barely moving my lips so that only she could see.

    “My name is Kira. I took it from the name of my species. I have no other.”

    “Then who shall I be?”

    “Hmm… I think I’ll call you… Psych. I saw you today when you defeated that Arbok with Psychic.”

    “I defeated it?”

    “Yes. It fainted after it bit you.”

    “Wow.” Against my will, my mouth formed an ‘o’ of surprise.

    Then I heard footsteps.

    “How is the patient, Subject #233?”

    “He is doing well,” Kira said mechanically. Kira. My Kira. My heart went warm again.

    “Then you may move on to the next patient, 233.”

    Footsteps again, but this time they went farther away.

    “I have to go now, darling.” She leaned in again and kissed me on the mouth this time. “Remember not to eat or drink anything.”

    She walked away and I sat still, wondering how I could be so lucky. This might as well have been the first day of my life and I had met an angel, and one that now was mine. I felt a little faint. I shut my eyes, and as I fell asleep my last thought was of her.

    During the night, I woke briefly and heard voices.

    “Time to give him the IV for the Psych Manipulation.”

    Someone murmured their assent. I listened closer as I thought I heard my name.

    “Help me find the vein.”

    My arm was picked up and rubbed at different angles. I tried to move it, but found I couldn’t. I felt paralyzed. Then, there was a pinprick of pain that quickly faded.

    “There we go. He’ll be fine in the morning.”

    And then I began to feel myself slipping into the void. I tried to claw my way back. I had to stay awake! Had to, had to… my eyes flickered open for a moment, then closed of their own accord. I couldn’t keep them open. It was like trying to hold up a mountain. The effort was too much. I gave in to the shadows at the edge of my mind; I let them drag me down.


    When I woke, I felt soft sunlight on my skin. The warmth enveloped me and I sighed in contentment. I opened my eyes. Everything around me was beautiful; I was lying in a soft patch of grass next to a small brook. I saw dirty, grey buildings in the distance, but even they were amazing in their own way. I felt as though I were seeing everything for the first time.

    I got up when I heard someone approaching me. I turned around and came face to face with the most amazing Pokemon I had ever seen. Kirlia, my mind told me. Deep down, I felt another memory tugging at me. The sensation was unpleasant and I ignored it.

    “Come on, Psych,” she said.

    “What?” I asked, confused. “What’s a Psych?”

    She turned to look at me. “Psych?” she sounded startled.

    I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I think you must be confusing me with someone else.”

    Then again, what was my name? I couldn’t recall. That was unusual. And where were we? Just then, a human came around a corner. Her expression was fierce and she glared at the Kirlia.

    “I knew you would cause trouble!” she said angrily. She grabbed the Kirlia with both hands. The Kirlia struggled, but to no result.

    “Help me, Psych!” she screamed. “I can’t attack her! They never taught me!”

    I had no idea what she was talking about.

    “Please!” she was hysterical now as the woman carried her away. I felt an odd twinge in my chest, but nothing more. “Please, Psych! I love you! Please help me!” She began sobbing violently. Slowly, her screaming faded into the distance.

    I wandered over to the brook to get a look at myself. I looked into the calm, blue waters and saw that I was a… Ralts, I heard a voice in my head say. Then I saw the huge wound on my side. It looked horrible. I gasped in surprised. Then I calmed down. I would be okay. The humans would take care of me. After all, they had taken that crazy Kirlia away. I couldn’t seem to remember anything about the day before, or the one before that, or any day but this one. Still… it was a nice day and I felt safe. I felt like something was missing, but I couldn’t recall what it was; and as long as I didn’t remember what it was I had lost, it wouldn’t bother me, right? Maybe forgetting wasn’t so bad.

    AN: Don't read until you've read the story.
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 14th May 2011 at 10:25 PM.
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  2. #2
    the vibration pokemon Nitro's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forgotten (Rated T for disturbingish events and language)

    Plot: Interesting, and a very good read.

    Right off the bat, you hooked my attention. The whole amnesia thing piqued my interest, and then you capitalized with the voices talking and the all-of-a-sudden battle Psych was forced into.

    Throughout the story, you kept things mysterious. Until Kira explained things, we didn't know much, and it resulted in a very mysterious atmosphere as I read the "middle" of the story.

    Though it was a good feel, I personally think you could've explained things a bit more at the end. You did to a degree, but it wasn't complete enough that I fully understood what was going on immediately.

    There were a lot of things I didn't understand. For one, exactly what is this whole thing about? Why is Psych being used as a test subject, and what are the nature of these tests. As a reader, I'm a bit displeased with the lack of information revealed at the end of the story.

    However, if there is going to be a prequel or sequel (which I don't think there is since you didn't mention one), then this is more acceptable.

    Another thing I have a problem with is when Kira said she was in love with Psych. After what had transpired, it was a bit obvious. However, the phrase "I love you" is a really strong phrase. When Kira said it, it seemed random, and it didn't make the impact on the reader it should have.

    Now, I admit that Psych had no clue what was going on. However, I think that if you're going to have a character say that s/he loves another character, you either make sure it makes a big impact or you don't use it all. After all, hearing the words "I love you" sparks perhaps the most emotional feeling of your life. In stories, you need to translate that impact into words. You can't say it and have it make no impact at all because then it just feels... awkward.

    Though there were problems, I feel your general storyline was good. Not perfect, not even great, but good enough for me. The storyline is enjoyable, creative and well thought out. Though there are other important things that factor into this section, your storyline is good enough. While it's not perfect, what you've done is appealing enough to readers.

    Isn't that the whole point of a story?

    Length: Clearly, you're in the clear.

    Grammar: Almost perfect. There were a few careless mistakes, but I saw something else that concerned me.

    At times, you seemed to clump paragraphs together when they could've been stretched out a bit more, especially when there was dialogue in those paragraphs. For example:

    “Hello, there, 596,” she said to me sweetly, and reaching down, she picked me up in her arms. “Time for more training today.” She held me against her chest so that I couldn’t see our surroundings. Still, I could feel the warmth of the sunlight fade and the chill of air conditioning take its place. We had gone inside one of the buildings. I felt us turn around a few corners, but soon enough, we came to a stop. She set me down on a tile floor and I blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the fluorescent light. “Ready for your first battle of the day?” Without waiting for an answer, she turned and left the room. I looked around and found myself in a gray, concrete room. I heard a grinding sound and quickly turned towards it. A portion of the wall opposite me was sliding open.
    You could've spread it out more. Though it won't be exactly the same as what I will do, I will show you an example:

    “Hello, there, 596,” she said to me sweetly, and reaching down, she picked me up in her arms. “Time for more training today.”

    She held me against her chest so that I couldn’t see our surroundings. Still, I could feel the warmth of the sunlight fade and the chill of air conditioning take its place.

    We had gone inside one of the buildings. I felt us turn around a few corners, but soon enough, we came to a stop. She set me down on a tile floor and I blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the fluorescent light. “Ready for your first battle of the day?”

    Without waiting for an answer, she turned and left the room. I looked around and found myself in a gray, concrete room. I heard a grinding sound and quickly turned towards it. A portion of the wall opposite me was sliding open.
    You had unnecessarily long paragraphs a couple of times. When you're writing, try to shorten your paragraphs a bit and space out your writing. When you shorten your paragraphs, it accomplishes a couple of things. A couple of shorter paragraphs are more reader-friendly than one paragraph, so it helps keep your reader interested. It also makes your story look cleaner, and less squished. Perhaps most importantly, however, it helps the reader absorb more of what s/he is reading.

    And then, as I said earlier, you had a few careless mistakes. A few as in like two or three. And those were involved with a missing space or a misplaced space.

    Yeah, you did pretty well here. Good job. Keep in mind what I said about spacing out your paragraphs, though. :0

    Description: In your introduction, you nailed your descriptions. Immediately, you gave me an idea of the setting, and I could legitimately picture the scene in my mind.

    This level of description remained constant throughout the entire story. Even when Psych was re-amnesiafied (pardon that), you described the setting though you had already done so earlier. That, by the way, really helped us understand

    just how Psych felt after being... re-amnesiafied. ;) As a matter of fact, you actually did the whole re-amnesia thing very well. I could really understand what Psych was going through because of your descriptions.

    However, as good as this was, this wasn't perfect.

    I mentioned it earlier, and I'll say it again: If you're going to use the phrase "I love you" in a dramatic scene, make it mean something. Now, my solution earlier was either altering the plot or not using the phrase. However, as this is the Description section, there is a description-related solution as well. What is it?

    Describe the scene so that it does make an impact, obviously.

    This is what you did:

    “Please!” she was hysterical now as the woman carried her away. I felt an odd twinge in my chest, but nothing more. “Please, Psych! I love you! Please help me!” She began sobbing violently. Slowly, her screaming faded into the distance.
    Immediately after that, Psych simply looked into the river at his reflection. There was no mention of the fact that Kira had said she loved Psych from that point on. What I think you could've done to improve this via descriptions is by expanding on the description of Kira's sadness/despair when Psych didn't help her after she said she loved him, or by describing how Psych felt when he heard the she loved him. If Psych didn't feel any emotion, then perhaps you could stress his lack of emotion in a way that impacts the reader and makes them think "oh, this is horrible" or something.

    You need to make an impact, otherwise the "I love you" will seem out of place.

    The other thing worth mentioning right now is that your descriptions regarding how Psych felt throughout the events of the story were below my standards at various points during the story. Like, they were there, and I had an idea of how Psych felt emotionally (this doesn't include the amnesia bit because that's more of an experience than an emotion), but I don't think it was juiced out enough.

    If I was in that scenario, I'd be traumatized, confused, or something along those lines. It is an unusual experience, and it helps your reader understand what your main character is going through (since I doubt any of your readers have experienced something like this before in real life) if you describe the main character's emotions as the story progresses. You really need to stress the emotions so that they get across to the reader, especially in a story such as this.

    Yes, there were issues. Yes, those issues were somewhat big. However, as I read your story, I could imagine what was going on. Perhaps the emotions were missing and the "I love you" was awkward, but in spite of that you did a great job here. Definitely enough for a Medium Pokemon.

    Battle/Climax: Everything in a story is supposed to build up to the climax. Yours did. The events of the story led to the chance meeting with Kira which explained everything (which is not your climax, but the part right before it and the part that is supposed to strengthen it the most and the part that DID strengthen it the most), which in turn led to the actual climax.

    When Psych woke up again, Kira was snatched away. She screamed I love you, and then was carried off into the distance. Then, we had a paragraph where you showed the reader that Psych forgot everything, and didn't really care about Kira even though she loved him.

    The actual "forgetting-it-all" nature of it is a bit horrifying, and the dramatic sentence was a great way to end the story. However, the things that took place just before it during the climax were a bit confusing and they seemed random. The problem is that they were unexplained.

    Why was Kira there, like what was she trying to accomplish? What is the human referencing when she said that she knew Kira was going to cause trouble (clearly something in her background, but we do not know)? Also, some of the events seemed a bit sudden and rushed, which certainly didn't help.

    As I read the climax, it just felt a little random to me. I feel you could've stretched it out and included a bit more information so that the reader would have an easier time understanding what was going on.

    Now, the general idea of what you had going on was good. The stuff going on was good stuff to have in a climax. The scene where Kira wakes Psych, but Psych doesn't know her. Then the human comes, which inspired a bit of fear for Kira and Psych in the reader, and then there was the sad scene where Psych simply didn't care enough about Kira even though she loved him. To top it all off, there was the dramatic ending that inspires horror.

    However, though what you planned to do in the climax consisted of solid ideas, you couldn't build up the necessary details to support it.

    Of course, if there is going to be a sequel/prequel to this story, then some of the things would be better explained later. However, looking at this story as a standalone story, the climax is just a bit weak in terms of the background information needed to support the climax.

    On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is perfect and 1 is husnain, then I'd say you are somewhere around the 4-6 range with your climax.

    Outcome: There were weak points in your story, and some of those were pretty big and bug me quite a bit.

    Bug-types are typically weak Pokemon, though (ucwutididthar), and to me your story was strong enough for me to stamp you with a Ralts Captured!!!

    Make sure to work on the things I mentioned, however. You need to make sure your climax, and your storyline in general is supported by a strong foundation of details and background information so it doesn't come off as random/sudden/out of place/etc. Desribing your character's emotions as the story progresses is also a must for next time.

    Enjoy Gallade (because I KNOW you aren't evolving that into Gardevoir. :/)

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