The Forgotten Lab
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  1. #1
    Some say I'm part opossum Opossumguy's Avatar
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    Default The Forgotten Lab

    Attempted Capture: Qwilfish (Hard)
    Needed Characters: 20,000
    Actual Characters: 22,053

    A beginning trainer was sitting on a fallen log on Route 1 in the Unova Region, reminiscing of past events to his Pokémon.

    "Every Pokémon trainer has a goal. Hey, many of them have multiple goals," the beginner trainer told his starter Pokémon, a Lampent.

    This trainer's name was Ryan. He was a fifteen year old from Nuvema Town. He always wore a sweatshirt of some sort, usually a blue one. Being just over six feet tall, many people, literally, looked up to him. Adults were always appreciative of him helping out, and called him a pleasure to have in the town. Ryan was very quiet, though, and usually kept to himself. He always confided himself in his Pokémon, which he had since he was ten years old. Even before then, though, he always loved Pokémon, and constantly observed them in the wild. One Pokémon, in particular, had been on his mind for quite a while…

    "Well, Lampent, I am no different from the rest. One of the main reasons that I became a trainer was to win the league, of course. However, there is another reason, and this reason is near and dear to my heart."

    At this point, the Lampent just stared at Ryan, not knowing what he was talking about. In order to make him feel better, the Lampent gave him a small grin.

    "I'm glad you understand, Lampent," said Ryan. "Ever since I left Nuvema, I've had...a sense of loss. Years before I officially became a trainer, I walked over to the bay's guardrail and fed the aquatic Pokémon. I gave them a premium Water-Pokémon blend made from fresh herbs that my mom made in her garden. They never really liked the food. That was...until he arrived. About a week later, I met a Pokémon that I would never forget. It was a Water-Type, as well as a Poison-type. It was blue on top and cream on the bottom, with poisonous spikes all over its body. I visited him every day, and every day we grew closer and closer. We were inseparable after a year."

    Lampent wanted to dose off at this point, but it somehow knew that this story meant something to its trainer. Because of this, it started listening more attentively.

    "Now, being poisonous, the environment began to suffer because of the little foreign fish. Every last Frillish, Alomomola, and Basculin relocated. None of them could stand the poison seeping out of the Pokémon’s spikes. Naturally, the tourists who came to see the Alomomola courtship festival were disappointed to not see them there trying to attract mates. To make matters worse, they complained to Professor Juniper about the water quality," continued Ryan.

    "She checked it out, and said that it was a result of a Pokémon called Qwilfish, which wasn't native to the Unova Region, but instead to a region called 'Johto'. The town's citizens began to hunt down Qwilfish. One of which was a man with a Zebstrika. He ordered it to use Wild Charge, and run right into the bay. Since every other Pokémon had left, Qwilfish was helpless. As the Johto native screamed out in pain, his dagger-like eyes shot me a look that seemed to call out, 'why didn't you try to stop this?' Meanwhile, I just stood there in pain, with my heart clenched and my eyes and throat swelling with tears. Ever since, I went to the bay every single afternoon, Pokémon food in hand, hoping that Qwilfish would one day come back, and forgive me. Ten years have passed between now and that awful day, and I never forgot that dreadful, vile man's name. He was a man in his mid-thirties, and his name was Peter."

    Surprising itself by its forthcoming actions, the Lampent began to cry, and its light began fading, which was a clear sign of its sadness and remorse. The little, dark, sulking ghost-lantern scurried up to Ryan and gave him a hug, which was a grueling task due to its rather short arms, as well as its burning flame.

    “Thank you, Lampent. I knew I could count on you to listen. How about we go train? Your Shadow Ball could use some work.”

    Lampent was thrilled at the sound of this, because it loved battling.

    “I’ll just Surf us over to P2 Laboratory. Those Rangers over there will be very eager to battle you. Go, Oshawott!”
    Ryan threw the Poke Ball, and a stream of light emerged, eventually revealing a small, blue, otter-like creature holding a scallop shell.

    “Okay, Oshawott, use Surf!” Ryan yelled, as he proceeded to hold on to Oshawott when it began to swim. “Just keep going until we reach the island.”

    When the trio reached the island, they found the eager Ranger ready to battle them. “Hey, Alex, I’m trying to train my Lampent. You think you could help me out with a battle?” The Ranger, Alex, was a neighbor of Ryan’s who works on protecting the Pokémon along the sea routes, and was once a league-qualifying trainer. He had blond hair, green eyes, was also rather tall, and was about twenty-two.

    “Of course I can help. I’ve been trying to train this little one, so it will benefit us both,” replied Alex. With this, the battle commenced.

    “Come on out, Lampent!” Ryan commanded, and the eerie, ghostly lamp emerged from its Ball.

    “Show him what you got, Larvesta! Use your Flamethrower attack!” The small larva Pokémon created a small, blazing orb in its mouth, and fire spewed from it right toward Lampent.

    “Stand your ground Lampent.” Lampent did as commanded, and absorbed the fiery attack. “That was a great use of your Flash Fire ability, Lampent! Now, try out your Shadow Ball move!”
    Lampent, using its spectral energy, created a small, dark, orb of ectoplasm, and shot it towards the opponent. Sadly, it disappeared before it could hit Larvesta.

    “Hah, now’s our chance, Larvesta, use Bug Bite!” declared Alex, as his flaming larva charged towards Lampent and started gnawing on its arm.

    Lampent shrieked in pain, and its ominous voice echoed through the island. This phantom voice produced the desirable, perfect Shadow Ball, and Lampent shot it straight at Larvesta. The shot was a critical hit, and Larvesta went down.

    “Good match, Ryan, especially since you perfected Shadow Ball. Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out with something.”

    “What is it, Alex?” Ryan enquired.

    “Well, we Rangers recently became aware of suspicious activities going on at the P2 Laboratory. Apparently, there is a group of scientists that are experimenting on some of the local inhabitants of this ocean. Supposedly, they are taking the Water-Pokémon, giving them different technical machines to make them valuable, and then selling them to crime organizations in other regions for a high price. If these suspicions are accurate, it could lead to much more organized crime, and may eventually lead to full-on warfare. However, if we stop them, and release the Water-Pokémon, then we can make them much easier to arrest and bring down for good. Are you with me on this, or am I going alone?”

    “Oh, I’m definitely with you on this. Those scientists deserve to suffer the same way that the Pokémon did. What they’re doing is unforgivable. It would also explain the pollution in recent years, with all of the experimenting,” Ryan said.

    "Come on out, Politoed, and help me get to the laboratory," commanded Alex. As he said this, his Poke Ball released a medium-sized, green and yellow frog with a spiral. With a single bound, it landed straight in the water, and began to pull Alex toward the island.

    “Let’s go, Oshawott. You use Surf, too, and head straight for the island!” Ryan said, as Oshawott began to swim with all of its might.

    As the two heroes finally reached the island, they called back their water types.

    “I definitely don’t remember a huge building next to the laboratory, do you, Alex?” Ryan asked.

    “I don’t either. This must be proof of the vile acts they’re committing inside. Here’s my plan for breaking in. First off, your Lampent is a ghost type, correct?”

    “That’s correct. Why do you ask?”

    “Let me explain. As I was saying, first off, Lampent will sneak through the shadows unseen. It will have to dim its flame, though, so it needs to concentrate on that. Next, it will spy on the scientists, and see what we’re up against. After seeing exactly what they’re doing, and what Pokémon they’re using, Lampent will sneak back to us, and we can calculate our next move. We’ll take the scientists by surprise, free the captive Pokémon, and arrest the crooks once and for all.”

    “That sounds plausible, and crazy, but still plausible. You heard him, Lampent, sneak through the walls and dim your flame! Tell us what we’re up against!” instructed Ryan.

    Lampent then went into its ghostly form, and dimmed its light as commanded, and slipped through the walls. When it was inside, Lampent carefully observed. The result, however, was, literally, shocking. Inside, the scientists were hooking the Pokémon up to gigantic machines. These machines were hooked up to a technical machine, and the electrical current between the machine’s parts would forcefully electrify the move into the Pokémon, and it would learn the move whether they naturally could or not. Lampent watched in horror as a Basculin was forcefully taught Fire Blast, and, even worse, an Alomomola was taught Explosion.

    Lampent, overcome with anger, expanded its flame’s intensity to that of the sun itself.

    “Hey, did you see that light? I think we’ve been discovered! Attack the intruder by all means necessary, even if it means death!” a scientist demanded.
    Lampent quickly shot two Shadow Balls at the scientists, and then escaped through the walls. Sadly, both of them disintegrated before they could hit.

    “Alex, you were right! Those despicable scientists are committing acts of torture! And worst of all, they’re trying to PROFIT off of it! Not only that, but it looks like I didn’t master Shadow Ball after all!” Ryan screamed.

    “Just please calm down, Ryan. According to Lampent’s report, they’re experimenting on Water-types, so we can expect to see them use their creations against us. I’ll just use my Abomasnow to…”

    “There they are! Kill them! Make sure they don’t get away!” a scientist screamed, as he and an assistant charged towards Ryan and Alex.

    “Use Hypnosis, Politoed!” Alex yelled.


    After gaining their new scientist wardrobes, Ryan, Alex, and their Pokémon continued to approach the lab doors.

    “It’s okay, guys, the intruders were defeated, and I wiped their memories of this entire thing,” Alex reassured the other scientists.

    “‘Wiped their minds?’ What is this, a science fiction story?” Ryan whispered.

    “I’m more worried for their sake that they bought the lie…” answered Alex, jokingly.

    “Excuse me, do you mind telling me where the holding room with the captive Pokémon is?” Ryan asked a scientist.

    “Shouldn’t you already know where it is? You do work here, don’t you?”

    “Well, the intruders had their Pokémon use Amnesia during the battle, and he got in the way, so he can’t remember everything. Most of his memory should be fine now. That will also explain why we don’t know your names, so pardon us for that,” Alex explained.

    “Oh, sorry to hear that, guys. Anyway, the experimental room is two doors down on your left. By the way, your names are Tom and Ted,” he said with a smile.

    “Thanks, man. And good luck with your job!” said Ryan. “Wow, he was easy to fool. Nice job with the cover-up, too, Alex.”

    “Eh, you kind of pick it up along the way when you infiltrate evil organizations each month. I remember I first used that lie when breaking into the Galactic Hideout of the Sinnoh Region, and boy did I fool…”

    “Here’s the room, stay quiet about our true identities. Also, remember to stick with our story,” advised Ryan.

    The room had a peculiar, almost musky smell. Trash and failed projects littered the floor. It was poorly lit, with only two or three flickering lamps. Scientists were placing bets on whether or not a move will be successfully taught. One rowdy group, probably the newcomers as far as their ranks went, kept tapping the glass on the aquatic Pokémon cages, and antagonizing them. As the profit gauge on the wall went up, showing how much money they’ve earned from the start of the process, they cheered. In the bar section, they ordered their drinks and watched the sports being broadcasted from the Nimbasa City domes. Needless to say, they were also taking bets.

    “This place is awful, Alex,” Ryan whispered. “Let’s get this done reasonably fast.”

    “I’m on it. Follow me; I’m going to the technical machine chamber. Maybe we can free some Pokémon without them noticing…”

    “Hey, Ted! I heard what happened to you and Tim. Why don’t you come with us and have a drink, on the house,” one scientist requested.

    “I’ll be there in a minute. Order me my favorite drink while I finish something up,” Alex said. “You go on ahead. Maybe I can get some information out of them while they’re impaired,” Alex told Ryan.

    Ryan did as instructed, and went toward the cages. Inside, various Pokémon gazed up at him with wide, pleading eyes, almost as if they knew that he meant them no harm. As they were forcefully and cruelly handed off to the next scientist to be put in the machine’s chamber, almost as if it was a human conveyor belt. They gave out a cry, and then were shocked. Once they learned the move, they ordered them to use it on the other Pokémon, and if it worked, the Pokémon were crammed into Poke Balls and put inside of a crate to be shipped. If the move didn’t work, the Pokémon received multiple more shocks until the move was learned. It truly was a living hell.

    “Alright, one more to go for today, and then we’re done. This is the last one we have. Everyone, get ready for some nice profit!” one scientist declared. Many scientists cheered.

    As this gruesome scene went on, one scientist picked up a Pokémon, the last one of this set. This was no Alomomola, Frillish, or Basculin. This was a fish-like Pokémon with a blue and cream colored, round body. Its body was covered in spikes. It stared at Ryan in an unmistakable way. This was the Qwilfish that had befriended Ryan ten years ago.

    “STOP! Let me put this one on the belt!” Ryan screamed. While the men were distracted by this sudden burst of odd behavior, Alex started to push the crate toward the door. His plan was to throw all of the Pokémon back into the ocean.

    “Well, if you insist. Here, take it. The thing’s currently worthless, so just put it on the belt.” One man said to Ryan.

    “Hold on for just one minute. This isn’t even Tom! Look at his hair, it is clearly dark brown. Tom had jet-black hair,” a mysterious, shrouded voice said. Upon removing Ryan’s overcoat and glasses, it was revealed that he was, indeed, not Tom. “Well, if it isn’t Ryan. I remember you from Nuvema all those years ago.”

    “Who are you? How do you know my name?” asked Ryan, worried.

    “Maybe this will answer your question. Come on out!” As he said this, the source of the generator’s power stepped out from behind a curtain. It was a tall, powerful, Zebstrika.

    “Peter…I should have known! Why was I so naïve?!” Ryan asked himself.

    “This is in fact the same Qwilfish from ten years ago. I finally recaptured it today. You see, one decade ago today, this plant was started up. Now, a Power Plant starting up where the laboratory once was would have been suspicious, with all of the pollution. Luckily, I noticed you had a bond with this Qwilfish, and since Qwilfish aren’t normally found in Unova, it would be easy for the people of Nuvema to believe my lies. Qwilfish are perfectly capable of controlling their poisonous toxins, it was my sewage that was polluting the bay. After I scared the Qwilfish away, I declared that the Pokémon’s poison would not leave they bay, as it infected the algae and seaweed. Once again, human stupidity prevailed. Finally, the main reason the Pokémon left the bay was not even the toxins, but it was me capturing them all and selling them with illegal moves to crime lords for a high price. And to think, this whole business was made possible by you, who foolishly tried to befriend this little abomination. Just remember that, Ryan, as you take your last breath. Guards! Make sure that he doesn’t get his hands on that Qwilfish!” Peter explained.

    Meanwhile, Alex had silently sent out his Abomasnow, Politoed, and Larvesta to help him push the crate outside. “This is useless! We’ll never get this outside on time! Unless…Larvesta! Take this Rare Candy!” Alex yelled, as the guards were heading towards him. Upon consumption, Larvesta started to transform. Its body started to elongate, and giant red wings sprouted from its body. Larvesta had evolved into Volcarona!

    “Alright, Volcarona, use Fiery Dance on the scientists!” Alex commanded. Volcarona vigorously flapped its wings, producing flames on the tips. The flames grew immensely, and were shot towards the guards, who had no Pokémon of their own to defend themselves. It then shot a burst of fire at the crate, melting it quite fast. The Poke Balls were left perfectly intact, and Volcarona used Silver Wind to throw them all in the air above the sea, triggering the chain reaction to release them all.

    As the guards stared at the marvelous beast, they became so terrified for their lives that they all fled. As a finisher, Volcarona used a Quiver Dance and Fiery Dance combination. With its immense power, the scientists were all burned to a crisp, and were placed under arrest.

    Peter looked away from Ryan and saw that all but three of his employees were in handcuffs. “You filthy, worthless idiot, do you see what you’ve done? You’ve ruined my entire company! Zebstrika, use Wild Charge on that ranger!” demanded Peter.

    Zebstrika headed toward Alex at full speed, gaining electrical power with each step. It then leaped into the air, and made direct contact with the benevolent ranger.

    “Ah, I…can’t…move. Volcarona, send for help. Hurry!” Alex pleaded.

    “Alex! Don’t worry, we’ll get you out of here soon,” Ryan reassured him.

    “Not if I can stop it. Zebstrika, use Thunderbolt on the switch on the wall!” Peter said, using a skeleton key to get the handcuffs off of the scientists. “Fellow men, head toward the submarine! This place is going up in flames in fifteen minutes!”

    “If we’re staying here, you are, too, Peter. Lampent, use Inferno to trap Peter!” Ryan commanded.

    As the scientists guided the submarine away from the island, leaving their leader behind, all Peter could do was yell.

    “You want a fight? I’ll give you a fight. Go, Zebstrika!”

    “I’m always up for a challenge. Come on out, Oshawott!” Ryan said, throwing Oshawott’s Poke Ball in the air.

    “Zebstrika, use your Wild Charge on the otter!” Peter ordered, as his evil electric zebra headed toward Oshawott at the blazing speed of a fighter jet.

    “Oshawott, throw your Scalchop right at Zebstrika with Razor Shell!”

    Just as Zebstrika was closing in, Oshawott used its powerful attack just before collapsing because of the zebra’s super effective move.

    “Return, Oshawott. You put up a good fight. Alright, Lampent, it’s up to you. Use your Shadow Ball attack, Lampent!” Ryan said. Lampent responded, sensing its trainer’s strong hatred towards Peter, by creating a large, shadowy orb and shooting it at full speed at the foe’s Zebstrika. Making direct contact, Ryan was quite surprised that the move actually worked. “Perhaps you’ve mastered Shadow Ball after all, Lampent,” Ryan said with a smile.

    “Zebstrika, finish this kid off, and use Thunder on Lampent!” Peter ordered.

    His Pokémon charged up electricity, and shot a vast bolt of lightning at the lantern ghost, easily subjugating it.

    “Now, Zebstrika, use a Charge and Thunder combination, and kill that kid once and for all!” Peter said.

    Ryan’s life flashed before his eyes, and he was ready to die as Zebstrika began to launch the lightning. All of a sudden, something knocked him out of the way.

    “What just happened?” Ryan thought to himself. Instinctively, he looked to his side, and saw Qwilfish there, ready to help. “Qwilfish, do you forgive me for what happened ten years ago?” Ryan asked. The little Water Pokémon nodded and smiled at Ryan, showing its forgiveness.

    “Oh, isn’t that touching and sweet?” Peter asked sarcastically. “Zebstrika, kill that Qwilfish right before his eyes, use Wild Charge!”

    “Alright, Qwilfish, use Poison Jab on Zebstrika!” Ryan said. Qwilfish gathered its body’s toxins in its spines, and charged right at Zebstrika. In one shot, the beast fell, and fainted by the poisoning.

    “Forty-nine, forty-eight…” a mechanical voice stated, as the countdown whittled down to the last few critical moments.

    Luckily, Volcarona came down just in time, and started to carry Alex and Qwilfish. Before he left, Ryan went up to Peter, took Zebstrika’s Poke Ball, and said with a smile, “So long, Peter. They say a good captain goes down with his ship, so at least you’ve done something right.”

    Just as Volcarona lifted off, carrying Alex, Qwilfish, and Ryan, the countdown reached the ten - second mark. Ryan looked back one more time to see the entire facility burst into a fiery explosion.

    “Here’s Zebstrika’s Poke Ball, hopefully you can find it a good home,” Ryan said to the recovered Alex.

    “Any home’s better than the one he had before. Don’t worry about it, my colleagues at the Ranger Station will find him a good trainer. Hey, maybe one of them can take Zebstrika. He’s a valuable and powerful creature, and is sure to be good at protecting Pokémon. Anyway, I’ll drop you and Qwilfish off here in Nuvema. I’ll be returning to Sinnoh for now. Keep in touch, okay?” Alex asked.

    “So long Alex, and yeah, I’ll keep in touch.” Ryan said.

    As Alex flew off on the back of Volcarona, Ryan stared at Qwilfish, and smiled. “Hey, Qwilfish, how about you come along with me on my journey? It’s up to you.”

    Qwilfish looked up at the trainer and smiled, moving closer to his leg.

    “I think that’s a yes. Oshawott, Lampent, come out and look at your new friend,” Ryan said, bringing out his Pokémon. As the other Pokémon gathered around and watched, Ryan threw a Poke Ball at Qwilfish. As the ball began to shake, it was finally about to click, signaling a capture. Three seconds later...


    Well, hopefully this goes well, being my first story and all. Also, as a note, the "intro" here consists of the first three "paragraphs." I seperated the lines due to a piece of dialogue being included in it.
    Last edited by Opossumguy; 15th July 2011 at 12:01 PM.
    I love opossums. They shall rule the world. Oh, and I should be more active now.

  2. #2
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Forgotten Lab (Ready for Grading)

    I'll claim this one, partly due to request and partly because I need to grade more. It may be like two weeks before I put the grade up though, I hope you don't mind :x Moving and other things. IM me and we can talk about it if you like.
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  3. #3
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Forgotten Lab (Ready for Grading)

    The Lab Forgotten

    Sorry it took me a bit to do this. I think I explained to you why. I tried to go more in-depth because of it to give you more feedback. Being a writer myself, that's one of my favorite parts. These are just my opinions though, and they're probably different from say Alaska, Scourge, or Chris.

    Intro: You started out your story by your main character, Ryan, telling a story to his Pokémon about why he's doing what he's doing. All-in-all, it was a good opening. It let the readers know the objective of the character, hinting at what the story is going to be about without giving away too much.

    A lot of people like to give a ton of back story right off the top, but a lot of people get bored with this, so I'm glad you didn't. Fitting it into a narration by the character worked much better, and it allowed for some character development and showcased their personalities, like Lampent's grin even though he had no idea what the kid was talking about. You made the back story into something that was happening in the present, so good job there. It's also handy to introduce the main characters right away. A person on a journey is someone that many can relate too, so it's a good standard role.

    I'm satisfied with this opening. In the future, for harder stories that you write, if you want to spice up the intro at all, action is a good thing to start with. Not necessarily heart-throbbing, pulse-racing action, but even doing something interesting, like... muttering to themselves angrily or craftily trying to evade mall security. You could also have an odd or interesting starting character, like say a mime or a police officer.

    Again, those things might not be necessary depending on the theme or style of the story you're writing, but maybe worth keeping in mind.

    Plot: Your plot was very good. Money hungry villains with a slight twist in how they go about it. I did like how Ryan remembered the story wasn't exactly right because Peter was sneaky. How that was said was a bit cliché though. The villain giving a big speech near the end is a little overdone, or maybe too easy. I think maybe instead of one big chunk where he revealed everything, there could've been more of a conversation between the two so the details could be dished out one by one.

    I think parts of the story seemed a little rushed, like the scene I mentioned above. This was also the case when the two got past the scientists and when Alex dumped the crate. It seemed a little more like a summary than describing the scenes while they were happening. It's not too bad, and it didn't happen very often, but it's something to watch out for. I did like the whole theme of the story, and I think it just would've been a titch bit better if some of those areas were fleshed out a little more instead of skimmed over.

    Places like this are when Ryan is discovered. You said:
    Upon removing Ryan’s overcoat and glasses, it was revealed that he was, indeed, not Tom.
    However, there wasn't any indication of how they did this. Did Ryan willingly take off his disguise? Did they manhandle him and take off the gear themselves? This happened other places, like when the scientists were arrested and when Peter suddenly took out a key and uncuffed them. Keep watchful of scenes that speed through like that.

    Also, if you didn't want to flesh them out, a transitional phrase could've been used instead. I'll show you an example of where there was a skip without a transition.
    Lampent quickly shot two Shadow Balls at the scientists, and then escaped through the walls. Sadly, both of them disintegrated before they could hit.

    “Alex, you were right! Those despicable scientists are committing acts of torture! And worst of all, they’re trying to PROFIT off of it! Not only that, but it looks like I didn’t master Shadow Ball after all!” Ryan screamed.
    Here, it's not a very smooth transition from when Lampent was eavesdropping to when he was reporting. In fact, there's no mention of Lampent reporting what it saw at all. You could do a couple of things here. One way would be to put in a page break. That would indicate a change of scene and a time skip. You could also say something like “After Lampent returned and told them what it saw...” Those are just some ways, but it would make the reading flow better. This also happened after the lap blew up. I had to stop and go back and read to make sure I didn't miss anything.

    The plot pleased me as a whole though. I did like the Ranger aspect you did too, making the story more than just a kid going on a journey and meeting a Pokémon. Rangers are near and dear to me ^^ Well done. I like the more complex ideas, and you'll need them as you write for more challenging mons.

    Grammar: Your grammar was pretty good, which made me breathe a sigh of relief. There were only a few things I'd like to point out, and then I have some general stuff to mention.

    One thing you need to watch out for is the comma splice, like this:
    “Zebstrika, kill that Qwilfish right before his eyes, use Wild Charge!”
    The 'use Wild Charge' should be its own sentence here unless you add a conjunction like and after the second comma.

    The only other major thing was unneeded commas. There were quite a few of those, like this one:
    Adults were always appreciative of him helping out, and called him a pleasure to have in the town.
    The comma here should be gone. Remember, when connecting like this, you only use a conjunction if the two parts are independent sentences with a noun. When just using a verb you don't use a conjunction. Also, in this case, since it's describing two things the people are doing, just and is fine. It'd be like saying 'I like apples and oranges'.

    Another thing you might want to watch for is this:
    The result, however, was, literally, shocking.
    I think there are way too many commas in that sentence. While it's grammatically correct with the phrases you used, it looks choppy with a comma after every word. I think this could be reworded for the same effect with less clutter. Even just getting rid of the 'however' would make it a little smoother.

    I'm also going to tell you a few things my teachers told me. One of these is cutting out unnecessary words. While it does increase your character count and is sometimes just the way you talk naturally, literature can flow better if you use less words to do it. Take this one for example:
    Those scientists deserve to suffer the same way that the Pokémon did.
    Here, I bolded the unneeded word. While it's not wrong, if you leave that word out, the sentence flows a little better. Flow is important when reading, otherwise you have to stop and go back and reread. I don't like doing that too much as I read a story because once you stop a few times, it's easier to stop all together. It's not a big deal, but just something to keep in mind in general when writing. I once had a teacher tear apart an essay I wrote by marking all the unneeded words and giving me a poor grade because of it, so this is a bit of a habit. I did find the information helpful though, so I thought I would share with you.

    Another thing to watch for is word choice. I didn't see many problems here, but one word I thought stuck out odd was here:
    and gave him a hug, which was a grueling task due
    While the dictionary definition is correct, the way it's worded sort of makes it sound like the idea of hugging was troublesome instead of the actual act. I'm only one person, but just something to think about.

    Other than that, this was good. There were a few minor things, like forgetting a comma when addressing Lampent, but those are things you just missed since all the other instances were correct. Just be sure to look over your story carefully when it's finished instead of posting it up right away. Reading it out loud is also a helpful thing. You could even ask someone to read it over for you just in case. That would take care of some of the small things.

    Dialogue: There wasn't really anything wrong with your dialogue, other than a missed tag here and there (which I'm assuming you know how to do and just missed because all of the other ones were done correctly). One thing about it though was that all your characters sounded pretty much the same. They were very proper in the way they spoke, and they even used the same tone a lot of the time. While it's technically correct, it's not very interesting after a while.

    To add to this, you could maybe switch up some of the words people use, like instead of saying 'want to' they could say 'wanna'. This doesn't have to be every instance that word pops up, but just once in a while to give it a little flavor. Think about how you would take to one of your friends (unless of course you do speak more proper-like, in which case sorry D: ), since Ryan and Alex are closer like that. Speech doesn't have to be proper all the time, and you can vary this according to what character it is. Like, your Ranger could speak proper all the time because he has an important job and whatnot, but maybe Ryan is more laid back. Your villain could perhaps rant and rave and chuckle, or maybe one of his scientist lackeys could stutter. Little personality quirks can really add to dialogue.

    On that similar note, another thing I think that could help is showing actions and reactions along with your dialogue. Did the character reach up to scratch his nose after he finished speaking? Did he stop to point or gesture at something? Did a different character recoil in shock after what his friend just said? You have a lot of stand alone dialogue, but I think that adding just something minor to it would help show the picture in a reader's mind better. This doesn't have to be on every line, since dialogue is perfectly fine by itself, but sometimes it's handy for helping describe what's happening.

    Detail/Description: In general your detail was good. Some parts were hit and miss though. There were times when it was awesome, like here:
    The room had a peculiar, almost musky smell. Trash and failed projects littered the floor. It was poorly lit, with only two or three flickering lamps.
    That whole section was very descriptive, and I found I could imagine the room very well.

    A few other areas I would've liked to see more detail in are the Pokémon moves during battle. Some of these were done well, like instances of Shadow Ball. Other times the moves were just mentioned and then ignored, like here:
    and Volcarona used Silver Wind to throw them all in the air above the sea
    How did it use Silver Wind? Did it shake as the air changed colors around him? Did the Pokéballs float steady or did they bob in the air? That sort of stuff, even just a quick little mention, would add a lot to the story. Like I said, some of them were described just fine, but since that was your first mention of the attack, it would've been nice to see how Volcarona pulled it off. The same goes for describing Pokémon. For some you did this, for others, not so much. While you don't have to go into every little detail, even things like color or general shape would be good.

    Also watch how you describe something. Look at this:
    Lampent, overcome with anger, expanded its flame’s intensity to that of the sun itself.
    and this:
    With its immense power, the scientists were all burned to a crisp, and were placed under arrest.
    The way you worded this makes it seem very literal. For the first one, Lampent probably can't get to the intensity of the sun because that would probably burn up part of the Earth. I think an adjusted metaphor would be better here, or perhaps a simile. Something that compares it to the sun instead of saying it practically was the sun.

    The second one makes it seem like 'burned to a crisp' kills them. At least, that's what I think about, since crispy involves blackened and whatnot. So when reading that whole sentence, it seems like they die and are then arrested: something that doesn't make a lot of sense. Again a figure of speech could be used here, or maybe adding the word 'almost' before burned.

    It was okay though, for the most part. There was enough detail to paint a pretty good picture in my head throughout the whole story, so that was fine. If you do go for a higher level mon eventually, I would suggest adding just a titch more.

    Length: Qwilfish is a Hard mon, in the 20-30k range. You had 21,845 by my count, so you're good there.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: I like this section best. This is where I get to dump everything I wanted to mention but didn't know where to put. These are usually small, nitpicky housekeeping things that aren't too big of a deal but are probably worth mentioning.

    The first thing I wanted to point out was your time line. Ryan is fifteen years old. Ten years ago the Qwilfish fled after they had bonded for a year. This would've made Ryan four or five years old. That's a bit young for some of the things he did and thought. I'm not saying it's impossible, but something that stuck out to me.

    Another thing I thought weird was how Ryan smiled at Peter before leaving the lab. Ryan struck me as a good-natured kid that likes to do the right thing, as shown by his willingness to help Alex. They're essentially leaving the guy to die as the place blows up, and it just struck me strange that he would first trap the guy there and then smile about leaving him. It seemed a bit cruel even though Peter was a jerk and probably deserved it. It's not good or bad, but I thought it a little off from what Ryan's character is like.

    Also, it was weird that you didn't give Lampent a gender. This was true of some of the other Pokémon too. They were referred to as it ;-; They're main characters too. They need some love D:

    There was only one major thing that stuck out as unrealistic. Upon breaking in and disguising themselves, they explained away the oddities with the Amnesia story. Amnesia seems to be a self inflicting move, so it's hard for me to visualize how someone would 'get in the way' to be affected by it. Also, the scientists didn't seem to question it at all, just accepted it and moved on. This happened with wiping their minds as well. It could just be that there was no reaction from the scientists from the dialogue, like I mentioned before.

    Again, just nitpicky things, but I'm one that pays attention to small details.

    I did like the Rare Candy part. I thought that was really creative. It's just the type of thing to happen at a crucial moment near the end so the heroes can save the day.

    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
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