Fontaine's Fountain

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  1. #1
    Somewhat Psychic Siless's Avatar
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    Default Fontaine's Fountain

    Intended Pokémon: Magikarp
    Characters Required: 3-5k
    Character Count: 4032

    I decided to write a short story for a Magikarp. I decided to write a short story set in Ransei of Pokémon Conquest. And then I decided to put these two together, so here you go.

    ---

    Nobuchika had no idea how he would be useful in this battle. Fontaine, the kingdom he was fighting to defend, was the kingdom of Ransei known for its rivers, lakes, and waterfalls. His allies benefited greatly from the water-based battlefield; with warriors by his side using Dewott, Piplup, and Wooper, there wasn't any risk for his team to be restricted by the rivers and canals of Fontaine.

    Nobuchika, however, did not have the luxury of being able to fend off attackers on his own like his allies.

    Nobuchika's partner was a Magikarp.

    Magikarp wasn't well known for its abilities, and often it was knocked out quickly in the battle just because attackers thought it was silly. Nobuchika couldn't stop relying on Magikarp, however; a special connection existed between the two. He couldn't explain it; all he knew was that similar bonds existed throughout Ransei between Warriors and specific Pokémon partners. Fontaine's ruler Motochika always relied on his Dewott, just as Nobuchika could his Magikarp. It just so happened that Dewott was able to battle effectively, and Magikarp far less so.

    The battle had been underway; Nobuchika had wandered off to the side of the battlefield, trying to keep Magikarp out of the dangerous tussle at the canal in the center. His allies seemed to be doing well enough, and he didn't need to be there; he didn't want them to worry about having to avoid hitting himself and Magikarp as well.

    "Hey, there you are! Magikarp kid!"

    Nobuchika could recognize that gruff voice anywhere. Over a few skirmishes in the past year, one particular warrior had decided Magikarp was an exceptionally easy target, and made a point to be the one to knock it out every battle. Nobuchika never even bothered to learn the warriors name; he felt that the bully didn't even deserve acknowledgment other than 'opponent'. It was clear the approaching warrior felt the same way, never calling Nobuchika anything other than Magikarp kid.

    Nobuchika laid Magikarp on the ground, preparing for the battle. The appraoching warrior directed his own Pokémon, a small Aron, who jumped out behind him. Aron proved to be especially troublesome for Nobuchika and his Magikarp before; while he could do very little in battle normally, at least Magikarp could bounce off of an enemy for a small bit of damage. Aron's natural armor didn't even allow that, and such a bounce would only result in Magikarp hurting itself. The most Nobuchika could hope for was to dodge Aron's attacks and try to outlast it...

    Nobuchika caught a glance of something out of the corner of his eyes. Holes littered the ground around them, each shaped like a miniature volcano. With this, Nobuchika had a plan, and perhaps he'd get this pesky warrior out of his and Magikarp's hair for a while.

    "Just try us."

    Magikarp bounced after feeling his partner's energy, and the battle began. Aron started with simple attacks, mostly attempting to get close and attempting a Metal Claw. Each time Aron got in range, however, Nobuchika directed Magikarp to splash away; to their left, behind Aron, about and around. Aron and his partner began to get similarly frustrated at the failed attacks; they needed something faster and stronger.

    "Aron, hit that fish with an Iron Head."

    Under Magikarp was one of the holes in the ground; water began slowly trickling out, tickling the Water-type. Nobuchika saw this, and his plan went into action.

    "Magikarp, take the hit!"

    Aron charged, and its armored skull connected with Magikarp, sending the Water-type flying. Just as the blow connected, however, the geyser under Aron erupted, launching Aron similarly back. Magikarp bounced a few times from the charge, but he was able to return himself to Nobuchika with a bit more pride than normal. Aron, on the other hand, was wiped out; Aron was naturally weak to Water-based attacks, and a geyser was no exception.

    Nobuchika picked up his partner. "Hey, Magikarp, let's go help out. We have a battle to win." With one warrior down, the pair headed to the canal, intent on fighting to the end.

  2. #2
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Claiming. Should be up relatively soon.

  3. #3
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fontaine's Fountain

    I felt that what I posted before was poor quality, so I decided to add at least a little more content to the grade. Not that important or anything, and I haven't changed the outcome, but I felt that I needed to add some more critiques to this story in order for the grade to be somewhat useful for Siless in the future.

    Introduction: Stories with a length of only a few thousand characters heavily rely on their introductions. In my opinion, you realize that the introduction is just as important as I think it is. Even though this story doesn't have too much of a plot (and I'm not asking you to give it too much of one either, that would just be ridiculous with the length of your story), it still made sense with the introduction you gave. If we had been exposed to purely action, your story wouldn't have made any sense, so I actually appreciate that you took the time to stress on the beginning of your story.

    So yes, you did do a nice job with the introduction. We were exposed to all the main characters and given a brief sample of the tone of your story, which are both essential pieces of a successful introduction. Nice job here.

    One thing that I really liked about your story that made it really original was its setting. I've never read a story that took place in the Ransei Region, and I've never played the game either. Even still, I could tell that this story was a reflection of the games as the story seemed to be more strategy based and a puzzle game than the main series games. Very interesting to read, and it gave your story a level of complexity that it otherwise would not have had.

    Story: This was fun to read! No, there wasn't anything amazing to read here, but it still was enjoyable. Again, I'm not asking for you to pump out a masterfully thought-out story for just a Magikarp; what you gave us was more than enough. It was humorous, light-hearted, and easy to read, which is something that's lots of fun to be able to grade for a story of this rank.

    From what I could tell, Nobuchika and his pokemon matched up personality-wise, which sort of made the Magikarp a symbol in your story. It wasn't just about the Magikarp conquering the Aron. It was about Nobuchika being able to finally realize that he and his pokemon weren't useless. This was evident in the beginning of your story when the other Fontaine warriors were able to battle and defend their nation. However, as the story progressed and Nobuchika became able to use his pokemon effectively, we saw that he wasn't actually dead weight. In the short amount of length we were exposed to in this story, we saw lots of growth in a single character, and that's something that readers crave. Nice job.

    Going along with what I just said above, something that would actually be quite enjoyable would be to see a sequel to this story. Nobuchika's grown in this story, and it would be very interesting to see him when he's finally realized he can be a help to his nation. Who knows, maybe in the next story, Nobuchika would be the leader of Fontaine? Maybe he'll be a valiant warrior? You have so many possibilities to continue this story with, and I think that any sequel you created to it would be yet another fun read.

    Now, to the climax. One thing that I have to say: sweet, sweet justice! These characters that we're introduced to in the introduction really had their time to shine in this story, even if it was a relatively short story in itself. Seeing that Aron get creamed by a Magikarp who used its surroundings to its advantage instead of its lack of power was fun to read. It made the possibility of a Magikarp actually defeating another pokemon completely logical, which gave your story originality and humor, which were two very fun pieces of the story.

    Grammar/Conventions: Coming from another grader, I would expect perfection! Thankfully, you gave it to me. Very, very few errors throughout this story. Honestly, I only spotted one error throughout the whole thing when I was first reading it, and I didn't find many more after I read through it closely. Nicely done here.

    Only thing that I might advise for you to keep in moderation is semi-colons. They're wonderfully useful tools, yes, but they can get a little repetitive. Think of it as a constant repetition of the same kind of sentences. The reader gets annoyed when he/she is always reading the same sentence structure over and over again. Again, nothing too important, but it does make the flow of your story seem more natural. Instead, you could replace them with a comma and a conjunction to add some variety to your story. This is more a suggestion rather than a requirement, and it should keep the flow of your story consistent.

    Length: The minimum character requirement for a pokemon of Magikarp's rank is 3,000 characters, and the guided maximum is 5,000 characters. It actually kind of amused me how you were almost exactly at the median, with just barely over 4,000 characters. You're fine in this regard. Actually, you're almost perfectly average!!! :P

    The story didn't seem to stretched out either. Nothing felt too forced, and, while the story mainly did consist of the battle and the introduction with little to no build up to the climax, it sort of had to be. Otherwise, the other parts of the story would have been lacking, which would have brought down the entire story along with it. It could have been a little longer as well, but it didn't really have to be. Like I said, this story was fine for getting a Magikarp. Asking more of anything would be stretching the requirements for a pokemon of this rank, which is not what I'm asking you to do.

    So yeah. You're fine here.

    Results: I hope you like temporarily useless fish because your Magikarp is Captured! This story is above and beyond the expectations for a pokemon of the easiest rank. It was a fun read and easy to read in a single sitting. Nothing too complex here, but it still definitely deserves a floppy red fish. Enjoy, and I hope you keep writing!

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