A Five Star Egg! (Ready for Grading!)

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  1. #1
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default A Five Star Egg! (Ready for Grading!)

    A Five-Star Egg!

    Feathered-out blue-black hair was flattened on the grass, as the pale-skinned boy lay on his back. His dark-blue jeans’ knees were grass-stained, and his black converse had trod-on grass clumped on the bottom of them. He had a black, long-sleeved shirt on, and his hands were clasped and resting on his stomach. His cornflower blue eyes stared into the azure sky, and pure white clouds were dotted around the sky, and were drifting by slowly. A pink-bodied Bell Pokémon lay on his chest, the orb gently jingling around her mouth happily. She jingled in surprise, when she saw an oddly-shaped cloud. It was just shaped like an egg and nothing more. She was still surprised, nonetheless, because she knew that clouds just didn’t come in that shape usually. Putting herself on her feet, she leapt off of the boy’s chest with a flouncing hop, her bell ringing.

    “Chimey, what is it?” Argent Silverswift questioned the Chingling, raising an eyebrow. She pointed into the sky, ringing happily and twirling. Argent looked upwards, and saw the cloud. Well, that’s unique, Argent thought, wondering why Chimey was so excited. The reason was that she saw another object that was the exact same shape on the grass a little bit away from the partners. With much hopping in front of Argent’s face, Chimey eventually got his attention. Ringing noisily, she hopped towards the object on the ground. Then, rising up into the air, she hovered over the egg-shaped object. Argent ran over to the object, and kneeled down. He gently patted the object, realising that it was actually an egg.

    “Chimey, this is a Pokémon egg!”

    Chimey jingled in delight, and then floated towards Argent, peering at the egg. Chimey then began prodding the egg, whilst Argent examined it. It appeared to be a red-orange colour, and it had black spots all over it. Chimey then grabbed the egg, and then floated high up into the air with it. As she tossed it around, she caught it as well. Argent was worrying, and tried shouting to the Bell Pokémon, but it was obvious that she was deaf towards Argent’s cries to her. Then, she tossed it too far away for herself, and then it started to fall to the ground. Argent ran towards where he judged the egg would land. Preparing to catch it, the egg simply sailed over his head. He turned to see what would happen, and just as he thought the egg would smash on the ground, it simply levitated there. Argent heard the distant ringing of Chimey, and the noise that his ears received sounded very much like mischievous giggling.

    “Chimey! That egg smashing could nearly have ended the Pokémon’s life before it actually started!” Argent shouted loudly, frowning in frustration at his Chingling.

    The egg then floated into the air, and shot back towards where Chimey was. Chimey, who was staring at the levitating egg, then looked towards Argent. Then, Argent became wrapped in a purple glow, just like the egg, and then floated into the air. Floating towards Chimey, he asked her nicely to put them all down on the ground. Chimey jingled with a distinct reluctant tone, and then the egg floated into Argent’s arms, and then Chimey lowered herself, along with Argent and the egg, down onto the ground. Relieved to have firm footing again, Argent stroked the egg gently, as if it would reassure the Pokémon inside. Sighing, Argent wondered what the egg contained, and Chimey appeared to be thinking the same thing, as she wore a thoughtful expression. Argent sat on the grass again, and it was flattened down as he did so. As Argent looked around, he saw a number of Pidgeot, Staraptor and Fearow eyeing the egg suspiciously. As if… they were predators.

    You know, I don’t think those flying Pokémon are too friendly… Chimey thought, as she looked around with Argent.

    Chimey and Argent’s suspicions were right. The flying Pokémon shot through the branches, and then flew out of the tops of the trees. Sharply turning in mid-air, they began to dive through the air. Argent, his cornflower eyes wide in alarm, pushed himself from the ground, and began to flee in panic. Chimey began hopping pretty fast, her orb ringing around her mouth very fast in her haste to escape. Extremely scared, she rose up in the air, and then her orb began to ring quite loudly, and waves of energy were produced by it. The energy did not seem to affect the predatory Pokémon, however, and then Chimey floated off again, pretty fast indeed.

    I’ve got to think of something! Argent thought in panic. We’ve got to protect this egg – no matter what!

    Now, Argent and Chimey were fleeing through dark woodland, and caught glimpses of numerous Haunter, Gastly, Duskull, along with a collection of Bug-types including Butterfree and Beedrill. Thankfully, none of the woodland Pokémon were paying attention to them; otherwise they would be extremely helpless. As Chimey and Argent manoeuvred around the trees and leapt over logs, the flying Pokémon were catching up on them. They had to have some kind of miracle in order to escape the persistent, pursuing Flying-types. Argent was extremely panicky, and his breath became shaky, and his legs became less firm as he ran. He saw some sunlight shining through an exit, and he ran for it. Chimey had been trying every single move that she had, but without much effect. She was able to clear away a few of the Flying-types, but it wasn’t enough.

    As they got through the exit, Argent quickly skidded to a halt, chipping some rocks and sending them over the ledge of the sheer drop. There was a cliff here. Argent, Chimey and the egg were stuck in this one place, and had nowhere to go at all. Argent was shaking with fear, and Chimey was emitting alarmed ringing noises. The evil-looking faces of the Flying-types, with the scared faces of Argent and Chimey – a sharp contrast in feelings.

    “Help us!” Argent yelled loudly. But no-one was around to hear him.

    Chimey lightly hopped forwards bravely, and Argent wondered what trick she had up her sleeve. Whatever it was, Argent desperately hoped that it would save them.

    As Chimey closed her eyes, the flying Pokémon spiralled nearer, targeting the egg. Argent closed his eyes, and hoped with extreme desperation. The flying Pokémon were much nearer now. Chimey opened her eyes, with a smirk on her face.

    But was it too late for what she was about to do?

    Chimey let out a sharp ring, and then stars shot outwards from her body, and Argent braced himself, making sure to protect the egg. A star collided with him, and he wasn’t moved much. However, the stars smashed into the multitudes of flying Pokémon who had invaded the airspace, and knocked them clean out, and knocked them away. Argent, thankful that this ordeal was over, relaxed his body. Looking towards the egg, he noticed that there was a crack. Could it be… hatching?

    “Chimey, come quickly. The egg is hatching!” Argent exclaimed to his Bell Pokémon, beckoning her over.

    The Chingling hopping over quickly, she peered at the egg as the crack widened. As the crack widened further, the red-orange egg with the black spots began to glow. The white light becoming blinding, Argent shielded his eyes. Chimey had little energy to do anything, so she sat and watched as the shell split in half, and the white light subsided, leaving the shape of a Bug-type Pokémon in Argent’s arms. Realising the glow had ceased, Argent took his arm away from his eyes, and looked down at the Pokémon in his arms. He smiled, as he saw the newly-hatched Pokémon open his eyes.

    The Pokémon that had hatched from the egg was a Five Star Pokémon. A Ledyba.

    As the Five Star Pokémon opened his eyes, Argent stared into them, and the Ledyba stared back at him. Those black eyes penetrated the cornflower eyes of Argent, until the Ledyba made a noise.

    “Ledi? Ledy-ba?” the Ledyba squeaked, believing that Argent was his parent, as he was the first thing that the Ledyba saw. “Ledy!” the Ledyba squeaked, attempting to hug Argent with all six of his arms. Thinking that the Ledyba was cute, Argent hugged the Bug-type back, glad to have a new friend. Argent, the Ledyba clinging to his shirt, stood up and stretched out his arms tiredly. It had been an extremely long, tiring day, both for Argent and Chimey, who levitated onto Argent’s shoulder, and fell asleep there quickly. That Last Resort attack had drained Chimey of energy completely. The Five Star Pokémon had decided that it would stay with Argent, and it was basically the perfect end to an exciting, yet scary, day.

    “I hope you know what I went through to protect you,” Argent joked, chuckling and scratching the Ledyba’s chin. “I think I will call you Ledi,” Argent decided, smiling at the Ledyba.

    As Argent walked towards the orange, peaceful sunset, he thought over the day’s events. It really had been a Five Star Day…

    The End.

    Intended Pokémon: Ledyba
    Last edited by Buoy; 20th April 2010 at 03:32 PM.

  2. #2
    Senile EmBreon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    The sewers

    Default Re: A Five Star Egg! (Ready for Grading!)

    Story/Plot: A very cute and sweet story for the bug. All of the typical elements we look for in short stories were included, and you did a great job coming up with an unconventional plot. I’m not sure if folks here are aware that the cliché “boy walks into a forest an catches Pokemon” concepts are frowned upon, but coming up with other, more creative storylines is a major plus in the eyes of a Grader. And that’s exactly what you’ve done here. You took a simple idea and made it your own, and made it unique. I was very warmed by Argent’s and Chingling’s adventure to save the Pokemon egg.

    I’m not sure if this is your first story or not, but what I will say is that the more creative you are, the better your story is perceived. What keeps a reader reading are new and fresh ideas that they haven’t read time and time again. If you ever attempt a Pokemon in a more difficult category, go for your most intriguing and into-depth ideas. I’ve noticed that authors who stray away from the anime-themed ideas and use more unusual ones, tend to receive better feedback.

    Regardless, I found this story fitting and perfectly acceptable for the ladybug.

    Grammar/Spelling You conquered this area and I honestly don’t even feel a need to include it. :P Even your dialogue usage was flawless, which seems to be the place most people struggle on. If there were any mistakes or even typos, I didn’t notice them and I’m not going to waste time going through and nit-picking something so I have content to put here. Especially considering the difficulty level of the capture.

    Well done.

    Detail/Description: Here’s where I do have a little premise to advise you on. While normally, Graders tend to push the writers to include more description in their stories, there is a thing as too much detail. Shocking, I know. :P But in this case, it was the adjectives. Take the first paragraph for example:

    Feathered-out blue-black hair was flattened on the grass, as the pale-skinned boy lay on his back. His dark-blue jeans’ knees were grass-stained, and his black converse had trod-on grass clumped on the bottom of them. He had a black, long-sleeved shirt on, and his hands were clasped and resting on his stomach. His cornflower blue eyes stared into the azure sky, and pure white clouds were dotted around the sky, and were drifting by slowly. A pink-bodied Bell Pokémon lay on his chest, the orb gently jingling around her mouth happily. She jingled in surprise, when she saw an oddly-shaped cloud.
    While great in moderation, these details become easily overwhelming when packed so close together and used as frequently. They are important to create visuals, but a reader can only comprehend so many images at once before they lose sight of the entire picture.

    Space out your descriptions and spread them more mildly throughout the story.

    It is also a good idea to prevent yourself from describing too many things at once because it hampers the flow of your story. Such as explaining entirely what your character looks like in a large paragraph. It becomes tedious to read large amounts of description.

    Other than this, however, you did very well showing us the world you’ve created, and it was a pretty picture.

    Length: Almost 9k; plenty for a Simple mon. Overachiever. :P

    Battle: This was actually an interesting concept due to the fact that the Pokemon you aimed to capture did not partake in a battle. It’s refreshing, actually. It was a bit short and one-sided, but it was interesting and I actually felt the adrenaline of your Chingling and its trainer. I feel I need to revamp my grading format due to the fact that battles are no longer a required element of stories, but it may take a while to break that habit. XD

    It was great to read something that felt more realistic than a turn-based gameboy styled battle, though. A great job.

    Outcome: Well, you’ve clearly gone above and beyond the requirements for the small bug. So, Ledyba definitely captured! Keep up the good work, and good luck with future stories. :3

    ^Supposed to be a baby Ledyba in a stroller. XD



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