A Fishing Sport(Ready for Grading)
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Thread: A Fishing Sport(Ready for Grading)

  1. #1

    Default A Fishing Sport(Ready for Grading)

    Pokemon attempted to catch: Goldeen
    Reccommended count: 5k-10k
    Actual length: 7824

    A fishing Sport

    Damian Hikotori gasped at the selection of rods to choose from. He couldn’t believe that this Pokemart had so many. "Hey kid, you like fishing?" a rough voice said. Damian spun around on his heels. The man behind the counter stared at Damian. The boy nodded slowly, not sure what to say. The man just pointed to a poster on the window. Walking over to it, Damian read slowly to himself.

    The 5th Annual Twinleaf town Fishing Contest!

    Hello and welcome all anglers! We are proud to announce that here, at Sinnoh’s very own Lake Verity!This years contest hopes to draw over 300 anglers from all over the world. This contest has bought some of the biggest water type pokemon Sinnoh has ever seen. Most of you may know the rules, but in case you don’t, here they are

    -Only Rods, Reels and bait supplied by Team Lake Acuity may be used
    -Any pokemon caught in this competition may be kept
    -All pokemon must be caught by normal means
    -No stealing pokemon from other trainers
    -There is NO entry fee for trainers
    -Overall, have fun!

    We hope to see you there! Remember, Lake Acuity at noon Thursday, August 11.

    "Noon tomorrow!" Damian said to himself. To top things off, he was only one town away! He yelled a quick "Thanks" to the cashier, then ran out of the door, headed for Lake Acuity.

    Just arriving at the gate for the route that connects Twinleaf and Sandgem, Damian decided to release his pokemon. "Come on out, Sparky!" Damian exclaimed. He threw a red and white sphere into the air. A pokeball. The sphere opened, releasing a red beam. The beam hit the ground and began taking shape. The shape turned into Sparky, Damian’s Pikachu.

    The sun shone on Sparky’s fur, making it a gold color. "Sparky, we’re headed to Lake Acuity!" Damian announced. Sparky looked up at Damian, her eyes wide with excitement. With a cry of excitement, she took off, Damian chasing behind. The trip back wasn’t very long, as the towns were only about three miles apart.

    Trainers stopped what they were doing, staring at Damian and Sparky as they ran past. The two didn’t care, only focused on the path ahead. They jumped ledges and bushes, scaring many wild pokemon.


    As the lake came into view, Damian and Sparky sped up the pace, not wanting to be late. As they arrived at the gate leading to Lake Verity, the pair saw a sign that stopped them in their tracks.

    Lake Acuity will be closed until 11:30 am on Thursday, March 11.

    Damian looked at his watch. 6 pm Wednesday, March 10. A whole day early.

    "Well Sparky, looks like we’re camping here."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The next day......

    Damian and Sparky walked into the warehouse full of rods an bait. Looking at all the different rods was amazing. After looking at each rod very carefully, Damian decided on a green 48 inch rod. The rod fit perfect in Damian’ hand. Grabbing a Tackle box off the shelf, Damian handed the cashier a voucher for the equipment.

    Walking to a far edge of the lake where their was no other anglers, Damian set to work. He opened the Tackle box and pulled out a package of bait. The label said "Caterpie bites". Damian knew that it seemed horrible to use Caterpie, but it caught some of the best fish he had ever seen.

    Rigging up a hook, Damian cast out into the clear water. He could see pokemon jumping all over the lake. Today was going t be a good day for fishing.

    A mere seven minutes later, while Damian was pondering the thought of if a fish was going to bite today, his bobber moved. The red and white sphere bobbed up and down in the water, until it finally was completely submerged. That was when Damian set the hook.

    The fish instinctively dove for deeper water when the hook set. Damian let it pull line for a minute, hoping his trick would work. After the fish pulled about five feet of line, it decided the hook was no longer a threat and began coming back to the surface. Damian instinctively started reeling in line, not wanting to lose the fish.

    The fish jumped, splattering water everywhere. A beautiful Goldeen flew into the air, the sunlight reflecting off of Goldeen’s scales. The Goldeen shimmered as it plummeted back into the water. Damian continued reeling line, trying his best to no lose the Goldeen. This Goleen was one of he biggest Damian had ever seen.

    Finally, the fight was over. The Goldeen grew tired and Damian reeled i in, knowing the hardest part was still to come. He gave the line one last hard tug. As he did this, he called upon his partner. "Sparky, use thunderbolt!" Damian commanded.

    Sparky instantly appeared out of her pokeball, already charging electricity. Sparky shot this electricity at Goldeen, shocking the pokemon. Goldeen fell into the shallow water. Reacting quickly, Damian leaped to his Tackle box, grabbed a ring net, and threw it towards the water. It went past Goldeen, trapping Goldeen in the shallow water, Allowing Damian to battle it.

    "Ok Sparky, use thunderbolt again!" Damian commanded. The small yellow mouse began charging up electricity again, her fur crackling with the electricity. She released a bolt of lightning, but the Goldeen reacted quickly. As the bolt came near her, Goldeen jumped to the side and spun. Using the spin to further help her attack, the Goldeen used horn Drill on Sparky. Sparky flew backward, hitting a tree. She was slow to rise. Looking at the Goldeen now, Damian could see the fierceness in her eyes.

    "Ok Pikachu, back off until Goldeen uses horn drill again! The Goldeen lunged forward, spinning as she went. Damian muttered something to Sparky as the fish leaped. "Start charging up a thunder."

    Sparky's cheeks crackled, and the Goldeen's eyes widened as it realized her mistake. Sparky released her best electric attack yet, nearly frying the fish. Goldeen dropped to the ground, nearly fainted.

    Damian took his chance. Pulling a pokeball out of his pocket, he tossed it at the pokemon. The sphere rolled once....twice...click! Damian had caught it!
     
    Damian jumped into the air in excitement. He was sure this was one of the biggest pokemon he had ever caught. Damian jumped into the air, dropping all his fishing gear. He ran back for the lodge, hoping to turn his catch in before anyone else. Running inside the lodge, he went straight to the attendant's counter.
     
    "Hello, welcome to the Ver-" the attendant started.
     
    "I'd like to turn in this Goldeen!" Damian shouted. Shoving the pokeball into the attendants hand, he grabbed a piece of paper and filled out the details.
     
    "Well, I'm guessing you caught a big one with how excited you are," the attendant said. "You can go back to fishing, we will call you when the tournament is over," the attendant explained. Damian walked back to where he was fishing, picking up his gear, re-baiting and casting out again... waiting anxiously for the results.
     
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
    The bell rang, announcing that the weighing was over. Damian ran to the lodge, wanting to see the results.A stack of Papers were on the attendant’s desk. The attendant picked them up, and began naming off contestants, handing them their pokemon and result paper. Damian was looking at other people's papers as he waited. He knew he would win after seeing some of these.
     
    "Damian Hikotori," the attendant announced.He grabbed his paper out of the attendants hand, anxiously wanting to see the result. What he saw stopped him in his tracks.
     
    Damian Hikotori,
    You have placed second overall, with a Goldeen weighing in at 10.8 pounds.
    Your prize is 1000 poke, which is in this envelope. Thank you for participating and we hope to see you next year!
     
    Damian looked down at the paper, his mouth wide open. He couldn't believe this, second place! He was so sure of that Goldeen.
     
    Damian walked out of the Lobby, walking towards wherever his journey took him.
    "Ill be back next year, and I'll win," Damian said to himself.
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
    my stats[/SIZE]|ranger

  2. #2

    Default Re: A Fishing Sport(Ready for Grading)

    /LICK

    THIS IS MINE. ALL MINE.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  3. #3

    Default Re: A Fishing Sport(Ready for Grading)

    Introduction: You waste no time in jumping right into the story here. It's kind of a put off, but because it's such a fast paced story, it doesn't detract all that much from it. In the future though, try dripping in a little more about the character first before you actually jump into your plot.

    Plot: Your plot was actually alright. It's very apparent from the first sentence onwards. It's a bit predictable, but that's perfectly alright. You make it work for you, and it definitely gets the job done. Gold star. <3

    Description: You have some spots of marvelous description, particularly when you describe Sparky's fur in the sunlight and the size of the Goldeen. Other than the main focal points in your story, you did add some background description, like the trainers stopping to watch Damian and Sparky run and then their feelings towards them. These are very good points to have in a story, and these are important parts of good story writing. Keep it up. Every little thing matters, believe it or not. Little idiosyncrasies about every character in your story, major or minor, can have an impact on the reader. It's your job as the author to blend and weave a perfect amount of these together in such a way that it makes your readers come back for more. I definitely see potential for that here.

    tl;dr. Go back and read that.^ Gold star. <3 Keep writing.

    Characters: Your characters are alright. Damian seems like a happy-go-lucky, gotta catch 'em all type, which is alright, but try not to let it happen too often. Mix it up a bit by throwing characters with contrasting personalities in there. This is for future reference, of course. What you have here works well with the plot and there's nothing wrong with that. We're just trying to up your game for when you go for that really hard story 'mon. (;

    Dialogue: Your dialogue does well to further help develop your character, by the way. Dialogue is what powers your story. It's what moves it forward. How else was Damian to know about the fishing contest? Well, that random Pokemart man told him about it! You balanced out your dialogue well. Not too much, not too little. Good job. Gold star. <3

    Grammar: Alright, here we go.

    [...at Sinnoh’s very own Lake Verity!This years contest hopes...]
    I'm nearly positive that this is a typo. There should be a space between sentences lol.

    [6 pm Wednesday, March 10. A whole day early.]
    Try not to use number numbers in your stories. If its under 100, spell out the word. Over 100, go crazy with the number pad lol. Also, a.m. and p.m. need their dotsies. :3 Dates are okay though, I guess. I mean. They don't bother me personally, but it might bother other graders.

    [-insert the fishing contest poster text from the beginning here]
    I also feel like this should be in quotes. Things on signs and such should be in quotes.

    [Most of you may know the rules, but in case you don’t, here they are]
    Before you introduce a list, you should have a colon.

    [The shape turned into Sparky, Damian’s Pikachu.]
    THIS IS GOOD THIS IS GOOD THIS IS GOOD. When using a Pokemon's nickname in a story, ALWAYS actually say what it is SOMEWHERE. This is good. :p

    [With a cry of excitement, she took off, Damian chasing behind. The trip back wasn’t very long, as the towns were only about three miles apart.]
    Your use of the word "back" here kind of confused me. It makes it sound like Damian went there and then.

    [Lake Acuity will be closed until 11:30 am on Thursday, March 11.]
    Again, things on signs and the like should be in quotes, just to avoid confusion with the rest of the story.

    [Damian and Sparky walked into the warehouse full of rods an bait.]
    Typooo. It should be "and", I'm pretty sure. Reading over your work, or having someone else read over it, should eliminate problems like this. Cause "an" and "and" are both words, and "form and from" are both words. ehh, spell check won't catch those lol.

    [Today was going t be a good day for fishing.]
    't' however, is not a word. xD

    [This Goleen was one of he biggest Damian had ever seen.]
    blergh, typos.

    ["Ok Sparky, use thunderbolt again!"]
    ["Ok Pikachu, back off until Goldeen uses horn drill again!]
    [Damian took his chance. Pulling a pokeball out of his pocket,]
    [He was sure this was one of the biggest pokemon he had ever caught.]
    For future reference, Pokemon's moves and Pokemon specific items and places should be capitalized. (And if you want to get REALLY technical, "pokeball" is actually "Poke Ball." silly, I know.)
    Just watch out for things like this, and you'll be fine. It's mainly typos anyway, which isn't a problem. Mistakes happen. But once you start writing for harder Pokemon, well. That's serious business! You'll be fine if you keep these things in mind though. (:

    Climax: The climax of this story was interesting indeed. As expected, Damian battled and caught the Goldeen he encountered. However, he didn't win the contest! This is actually a good thing, because it would be expected that he would. Surprising the reader is a good thing! Keep doing that. :D Gold star. <3

    Plausibility: Absolutely.

    Flavour:
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

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